Shoelace Sammy Jailed for Burglary

A hapless teenage burglar found hanging upside down by his shoelaces from a window of the house he had broken into has been jailed for life in an attempt to protect him, and the public at large, from his own stupidity.

Sammy ‘Asbo’ Snitgruber, 16, of Dickhead Street, Smegmadale, was sentenced at Lancashire Assizes after pleading guilty to 127 counts of burglary and 14 counts of buggery involving household pets and a duck.
Snitgruber was found suspended from the window of a house in Murphy’s Law Crescent after getting his foot caught on the window’s latch while trying to escape the property in August with a refrigerator, a washing machine and the owner’s cat.

When arrested by a responding police patrol, Snitgruber declared he had been carrying out his community service order and was cleaning the windows of the house and ‘slipped’, catching his shoelaces on the window catch and became suspended upside-down.

Summing up the case Judge Fred Dread told the court “This was clearly a case of breaking and entry, albeit a wholly incompetent and pathetic one, which left the defendant dangling from the window frame for several hours.
Mr. Shitgruber possesses a truly appalling criminal record for a boy of 16, much of it related to his addiction to White Lightning and hard drugs since he was expelled from kindergarden.”

Snitgruber was sentenced to life imprisonment, less the 59 days he had already spent remanded in custard.
The sentence also incorporated penalties for six counts of possession of AAA drugs, five previous bound over orders for breaches of the peace, four suspended judgements for duck buggery, three assaults on police officers, two shoplifting thefts and one for possession of a partridge in a pear-shaped tree.