Taxpayers’ Noses Rubbed in the Brown Smelly Stuff Again

HBOS: A chilling case study of institutional arrogance, misuse of power, flaunted extravagance and avaricious excess.

Less than a month after being given a multi-billion pound survival handout by the taxpayer, the Royal Wank of Scotland has blown £330,000 on a secret champagne junket to celebrate the gross incompetence of its senior executives.

The 370 Halifax / Bank of Scotland mortgage staff and their guests guzzled down Bollinger RD champagne and Snot Island oysters while watching TV comedian Patrick Kielty (who charges £20,000 a show) tell jokes about the credit crunch, whooping with shameless delight as he cracked funnies about homeowners having to 'scrimp and save'.
Ribbing the boozy bankers concerning their excesses following the recent bail-out and while Britain suffers a financial crisis, Kielty apparently told them: 'Your secret is safe with me!' before calling a national tabloid and grassing the whole gang up as a bunch of brazen, dogwanking wastrels.

A shit-faced HBOS whistleblower, in an inebriated attack of conscience, told the Daily Crapraker “There was absolutely no expense spared. We had the best of everything - great food, expensive wine, glam’ strippers with shaved gashes, you name it. The public punters are all in the wrong jobs, poor cunts.”
Speaking on conditions of anonymity, the supergrass (Arthur Skrunk of HBOS’ Old Rope Investments division) rounded off his eruption of verbal diarrhoea.
“It’s fucking outrageous really, considering all the recent troubles at HBOS. We all had a good time though, took a day off work and got paid for it too.”

The bankers and their partners threw the lavish party to mark their 'success' after a year in which the collapse of the banking industry has led to a global financial meltdown.
The supposedly stricken bank laid on the celebration amid extraordinary secrecy to try to prevent details reaching the public, even cancelling the original planned venue of hiring Buckingham Palace from Prince Phillip for their bash. However, the booking was shit-canned just days ago amid growing public anger at greedy banks.
A cloak-and-dagger operation was then devised by the HBOS’ mercenary ‘Hit and Run’ division to shift the party 350 miles north to bonny Scotland and hire Edinburgh Castle as a base for the weekend’s pigswilling debauchery session.

Only a month ago both HBOS and RBS, which owns RatWest, crawled cap-in-hand to the Government, whingeing and bawling for help from public coffers.
But this did not appear to weigh heavily on the minds of the memory-deficient forty Masonic executives from the Wankassurance department of RBS and thirty of their smarmy lard-arsed partners.

As they arrived in Edinburgh on Saturday night, they were handed crystal flutes of champagne and seated for a six-course banquet of Highland stag, wild boar, peacock, black swan and Tasmanian gerbil, accompanied by fine wines, port and brandy.
According to loose-lipped insiders, the evening included a theatre performance of the touring ‘Madonna gives Guy the Finger’ musical extravaganza, followed by dancing to the Joe Loss Paraplegic Orchestra and the Massed Pipe Bands of the Gordon Highlanders.

But despite holding the black-tie ball in private, executives gave the game away as they crawled drunkenly along the gutters outside the castle in the wee hours of Sunday morning, covered in spew, pathetically trying to proposition men in tartan skirts for blow jobs or reciprocal anal sex.

The scheduled guest speaker, the stoat-faced Baron Mandelson of Foy, freshly-christened with the House of Lords soubriquet ‘Vermin in Ermine’, cancelled his appointment due receiving treatment for cancer of the personality.

However, in direct contrast to the media’s criticism of the banquet, Candida Muffitch, spokeslag for HBOS, insisted: “I don’t know what all this brouhaha is about. It was a modest affair, an event we hold every year to reward our star performers, even if they have managed to create a major financial clusterfuck.”