Tuesday, 30 June 2009

NY Teachers Paid to Sit on Their Asses

Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offences ranging from kiddie fiddling to bank robbery and domestic terrorism are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing with themselves, surfing the Internet or throwing arrows at a Barky O’Barmy dartboard.

Because union contracts make it extremely difficult to fire tenured teachers for anything less than first degree murder or genocide, they have been banished by the school system to its ‘rubber rooms’ - off-campus office spaces where they wait years – or even decades - for their disciplinary hearings to materialise.

The seven hundred-plus teachers so ostracised can practice ferret juggling, work on conspiracy theory blogs, paint nude portraits of their feisty female colleagues – or simply jack off all day - anything in fact but school work.
They’re still entitled to paid summer vacations just like their classroom colleagues and enjoy weekends, holidays and production bonuses throughout the school year.

Because the teachers collect their full salaries of $70,000 and up, the city Department of Education estimates the practice costs the taxpayers $65 million a year – which the D0E blames on union rules – and definitely not their own stupid regulations.

"You just basically sit there for eight hours – until the effin’ bell goes," said Garfield Glitter, who spent nine months in a rubber room, officially known as a ‘temporary reassignment centre’ – for holding ‘comparative anatomy’ lessons with his 15-year old female biology class students.

Jake McTwat, an ex-Gulf War Delta Force vet’, worked as a temporary gym teacher in East Harlem until he was suspended following complaints that he’d turned his class pupils into martial arts ‘killing machines’.

"If the principal wants you out, you're history," said Fuk Yew Tu, a high school paranoia teacher who has been in a reassignment center for three years after accusing an assistant principal of being an alien Grey stooge for Reptilians from the Draco star system.

Similarly, Candida Snatchrot, was suspended following allegations of nymphomania and that she had been ‘flogging her golly’ to her teenage male students and then posting photos and webcam footage of the amorous encounters on Facebook.

Once their hearings are over, they are either sent back to the classroom or fired. However due the fact their cases are heard by 23 arbitrators who work only five days a month, stints of two or three years in a rubber room are common, and some teachers have been there for decades.

Ms Fellatia van der Gobble was suspended from active classroom duties in 1992 after ripping the scrotum off an abusive male student who dared grope her exposed buttocks as she bent over a desk – she retired in April on full pension and benefits – her case still unheard after 17 years.

The nickname ‘Rubber Room’ refers to the padded cells of old insane asylums, which disaffected educators claim is fitting, since some of the inhabitants are genuine headbangers and don't belong in the classroom – as teachers or pupils.

Miriam Scruntberg is an art teacher who’s been in a rubber room near Madison Square Garden for three years after she was accused of being a ‘whingeing cunt’ by her principal following her complaint against a pupil who had stabbed her with a pair of scissors.

She passes her reassignment centre days by painting watercolors of her fellow detainees and the adjacent woodlands visible from the windows. "The days just seemed to crawl by until I started painting," Scruntberg told Pox News, “Now I have regular exhibitions of my work at a Greenwich Village art gallery.”

Dinsdale Barfstein, who has been in a Brooklyn reassignment centre since 2007, told a reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette that he was falsely accused of throwing the bird at school governor following an argument.
Barfstein has used the time to start his own rubber room-based call centre and built another career in tele-marketing – all via the in-house phone.

The Heart & Soul of Collateral

A private finance company in loopy Latvia is offering residents loans secured by nothing more than their immortal soul.

The Riga-based firm, ‘Lucifer Loans’, does not require a credit history record or proof of employment and grants loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) to any adult of 16 years or older after he or she signs a short agreement - in their own blood.

According to the diabolist covenant the only security required of the borrower is their immortal soul, which they are asked to confirm as their personal and wholly-owned property : free of all easements, liens, encumbrances, mortgages and legal restrictions.

The loan is subject to one percent per day in interest until full repayment is contractually completed.
The period of full repayment – on any amount - is 90 days, and in case the borrower fails to return the money – with all due interest paid - the creditor gets full possession of their soul on the advent of the next full moon.

Dinsdale Scrunt, financial correspondent for the Tortoise Polishers Gazette, spoke to the IMF’s Chief of Usury, Sheldon Greedberg – a career bankster – who opined of the Latvian loan offer “It’s not a bad deal really – whereas normal loan sharks or banks have you by the balls and suck the life’s blood out of you, these guys simply take your immortal soul – deal done and dusted.”

Conversely the Lucifer Loans personal finance company offer has generated a hail of criticism from Christian religious groups, whose legal experts question the duration of the soul-selling contract – for ‘Eternity’ as simply too long.

One obvious problem with the advertised loan agreement is that baptized Christian believers will, upon dying and arriving at Heaven’s gates, be required to have their immortal soul scrutinized by Saint Peter for traces of heinous sin and undue wear and tear that might have deprived it of sanctifying grace and thus be a cause for infinite damnation in the fires of Hell.

However if your soul was used as collateral to secure an unredeemed loan in a ‘signed in blood’ Faustian pact with some shady Latvian finance company acting as a front for Satanic possession, then you’re fucked with a capital ‘F’ – so go straight to Hell and do not collect £200 as you pass GO.

Monday, 29 June 2009

Slavery Shame of Rothschild Bank

Two of the biggest establishment names in the City of London have previously undisclosed links to slavery in the British colonies – from which they profited greatly – according to a report in the current issue of the gutter press Scandal Rakers Gazette.

Nathan Mayer Rothshite, the Zionist Kike banking family’s 19th Century patriarch, and Homer J. Crapfield, founder of Crapfields, an ambulance-chasing City law firm, benefited financially from slavery to the tune of millions of gold guineas, records from the National Archives show, even though both duplicitous institutions had hypocritically declared they were opponents of the slave trade.

Far from being an amnestied phenomenon of distant history, slavery remains a highly contentious issue in the United States, where the Rothshites and Crapfields are still both active players.
Companies alleged to have links to past slavery injustices have come under pressure to make restitution – or at least say ‘Sorry folks’.

JP Morgan, the investment bank founded on the opium trade, arms, and slave-dealing profits, set up a generous $100 scholarship fund for black students studying in Louisiana after apologising in 2005 for the company’s historic ruthless usury in facilitating highly profitable billion-dollar loans to finance slavery.

The archival documents have already prompted one of the banks named in the records to take action in the United States.

When the Emancipation Weekly News approached Royal Bank of Scumland with information about its Slaves_R_Us predecessor’s links with human bondage, the bank researched the claim and shit kittens, then promptly shredded their slave-dealing archives in entirety and made a High Street branch cashier - a certain naturally sun-tanned Moses O’Dinga – their new marginalised group Vice-President for Dodgy Overdrafts.

In 2001 healthcare benefits company Aetna, was one of the first to apologise for its Third Party, Fire and Theft insurance policies written on slaves in the Southern states 140 years earlier.

Wachovia Bank, since acquired by Wells Fargo, also apologised for its predecessors having owned and profited from slaves and set up a programme offering $1 billion in loans to fund start-up black drug dealerships.

In October 2001 students at Yale University pointed out its past links with slavery. The university noted it had already funded a research study into the innhuman trade, titled “Slavery - Was it really such a bad thing?”.
Brown University has set up a commission to look into slavery and how it could work as a minimum wage forced labour scheme in the 21st Century and beat the recession.

But it is the disclosures about the outwardly pious – but truly duplicitous -Rothshite and Crapfield clans that are likely to prompt the biggest stir for their mendacious improbity.

In the case of Mr Rothshite, the documents reveal for the first time that he made personal gains for his voracious banking family by using slaves as collateral in banking dealings with unscrupulous slave owners.

This might surprise those conversant with the typically duplicitous Rothshite role in organising the loans that funded the UK government’s bail-out of British slave owners when colonial slavery was abolished in the 1830s.
However this was normal for the two-faced Shylock money-grasping syndicates who played both ends against the middle – and each other – to ensure maximum profits for themselves.

The chief archivist of the Rothshite family papers, Miriam Moronberg, reacted with disbelief and experienced an involuntary bowel movement when first confronted with the contents of the National Archives records, swearing on a stack of Torahs that she’d never heard mention of such links before.

Fellatia van der Gobble, the Dorkberg Professor of History at Harvard and author of ‘The World’s Wanker: A History of the House of Rothshite’, said the documents showed “how pervasive slavery was in the structure of British wealth in 1830 and if it wasn’t for the diligent moral efforts of the likes of Thomas Clarkson and William Wilberforce then Rothshite and Co. would still be drawing profit from slavery unto this present day.”

In Crapfield’s case, the records reveal that he and his scumbag immoral sons had scores of slave-owner clients, mostly based in the Caribbean.
The lawyers acted as trustees of the owners’ estates and in several cases claimed unpaid legal fees for the firm through the government scheme set up to compensate owners after abolition.

Wilf McTwat, a University College London janitor who examined the documents while sat on the toilet, informed the media he hoped the records would hopefully promote a more accurate apportionment of blame on the architects and profiteers of the global slave trade financed and managed through Britain – with the Rothshite and Crapfileds topping the Guilty index.

McTwat told a reporter from the Golly Lasher’s Gazette : “We need to fill the gaps between those who deny slavery’s role and those who believe Britain was built entirely on the blood of slaves – and name the inhuman bastards who directed and financed the forced diaspora of the Negro peoples into bondage – to serve their Honky masters in far-off foreign lands.”

Conversely Rothshite and Crapfields PR apologists were quick to point to their client’s predecessors’ anti-slavery credentials as defence against charges of moral turpitude.

It was claimed that Nathan Mayer Rothshite had been a prominent civil liberties campaigner with many like-minded associates and “against this background, these allegations appear inconsistent and misrepresent the ethos of the man and his business." An Ashkenazi Jewish moneylender with a conscience ? – what an impossible paradox.

Homer J. Crapfield was reputedly an active member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster “which was committed to the abolition of the slave trade” on the one hand while dealing with slavers on the other - applying the moral excuse of the Biblical Manifest Destiny doctrine that the sons of Ham shall forever serve man.

This ensured huge usurous profits – again a paradox – but nothing unusual when human nature harvests financial gain from human frailty and the exploitation of their fellow man - and empathy is surpassed by massive Sterling capital returns.

Iran Arrests UK’s ‘Baker’s Dozen’ Agents Provocateur

The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Jaffacake classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’.

The Iranian media earlier reported that thirteen local staff at the UK’s diplomatic mission had been detained by the Basij militia for their ‘considerable role’ in post-election demonstrations – from inciting riots to supplying US-made cheat software for Diebold ballot counting machines to anti-Mahmoud Ahmasmadashell rabble.

UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede – applying his customary lack of logic and common sense - called the arrests of Iranian citizens - by Iranian police – under Iranian laws - for crimes committed on Iranian soil – and against Iranian property - as ‘outright harassment’ and ‘an infringement of their human rights’.

Iran has repeatedly accused foreign powers - especially Britain and the Great Satan - of stoking the unrest that swept the country after the 12th June election, which handed President Ahmasmadashell a decisive victory of 110% of the cast votes.

In the fallout of the crisis Tehran expelled two British diplomats in the past week and the UK has responded with a similar measure by cancelling the import of shipments of Iranian mangoes, jumbo figs and smoked goat meat.

Secretary Millipede told a reporter from the Regime Change Gazette that about thirteen UK agents – er - mission employees - had been detained in total, but some were released after having their fingernails ripped out and signing confessions of complicity to promote political unrest.

“We are still concerned about a number of our local staff who to our knowledge are still hanging upside down in the cellars of Tehran’s police headquarters and being deprived the use of a toilet.”

“Whatever these wimps are tortured into admitting to save their own worthless snitching skins, the idea that the British Embassy is responsible for instigating any portion of the demonstrations and protests that have been taking place in Tehran recently shall be vehemently denied – even if they do have proof we caused a spot of aggro’.”

A strong diplomatic protest had been lodged directly with the Iranian authorities, but there had been no official response, apart from several bricks and a petrol bomb thrown through embassy windows.

Sunday, 28 June 2009

Scandalson Tugs Brown’s Puppet Strings

The rodent-faced Lord Peter Scandalson of Slimeborough – aka ‘Vermin in Ermine’ - stitched up a deal with New Labour’s deadweight PM Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown for a tame Iraq inquiry to protect his former mentor Tony Bliar, according to a report leaked to the Rumour Mill Gazette.

Business Secretary Scandalson apparently coerced the inept Brown by giving the numpty clot a Chinese burn and poking him in his good eye with sharp pencils until he coalesced to picking a panel of establishment stooges who would probe the Iraq conflict quagmire with the desired apathetic sense of determination – in exchange for his support in heading off a Cabinet coup against the beseiged Prime Munster.

However with the original plans blown out of the water following a public outcry of “Whitewash”, the Government yesterday engineered yet another U-turn – in an attempt to disappear up their own arse.

Foreign Secretary David Millipede said for the first time that the panel chaired by Sir Jarvis Shitpot, Minister for Cover-ups, will be able to ‘Name, Blame and Shame’ those involved in the worst foreign policy disaster since the last foreign policy disaster. (Afghanistan? / Coalition of the Willing?) – as long as his name wasn’t mentioned on their shit list.

He also said it would be possible for witnesses to give evidence on oath – and swear on their Mother’s grave - then lie through their teeth as usual – or face a pariah’s stigma and political ostracism.

An authoritative report in the Daily Shitraker this week lays bare how Prime Munster Brown was coerced by Lord Scandalson into a futile attempt to protect the besmeared reputation of career scumbag Tony Bliar, and, by association, his own.

Scandalson had played a similar role in recommending Lord Mutton as a compliant and manipulative stooge to investigate the dodgy suicide (murder) of weapons scientist / inspector Dr David Kelly who’s bloodless body was discovered on a grassy knoll at Harrowdown Hill in Faringdon, near his Oxfordshire home, after reportedly slashing his wrists with a pork sausage.

Apparently Dr. Kelly had upset an already precariously-balanced Bliar government apple cart by daring to suggest, in his superbly-qualified opinion, that Saddam Hussein and Iraq possessed no weapons of mass distraction that could be rained down on the UK within 45 minutes – and hence presented no threat to the continuation of Western civilisation and Life on Earth.

Further Kelly’s about-to-be-publicised scientific opinion that the 9/11destruction of the WTC Towers 1 and 2 had been caused by a combination of micro-nukes - and the deployment of an advanced physics 'molecular dissociation' weapon - which reduced the twin tower’s concrete and core steel to powdered dust – was the clincher for having Meir Dagan’s rabid hi-fiving Mossad crazies knock him off – exercising their customary level of bull-in-the-China-shop sophistication in making Kelly’s murder look like suicide.

Fellatia Sodomberg, a Pox News journalist close to senior New Labour figures, reported on the dodgy deal : “Scandalson – on Blair’s behalf – set down specific conditions for the Iraq war inquiry.”
“The deal forced on Brown was explicit. Not only were the hearings to be held in private, but the committee would, as with the Mutton - Jeff inquiry, be composed of ex-public school chinless wonder faggots who were wholly manipulative due their recorded past sins and misdemeanours.”

Brown was instructed by Scandalson to ensure that the members of the inquiry would, in the words of Sir Morton de Grasseur, the official Civil Service snitch, keep the truth buried under a swathe of DA 01 notices, the official secrets act, and ‘interests of national security’ bullshit excuses.

Last night another snitch, who has known inquiry chairman Sir Jarvis Shitpot from their public schooldays together, told reporters “He’s vulnerable because Scandalson knows all his arse bandit BD/SM peccadilloes.”

However, Sir Montague Moron, Tory MP for Old Scrotum, revealed that secret papers from the ‘What the Butler Saw’ report on the legality of the war, which Tony Bliar concealed from his Cabinet, would make ministers ‘shit their pants’ if they were published as part of the new inquiry – and these were what Scandalson was hysterical about keeping buried as there was no “Get Out of Jail Free” clause attached to any of them.

Questions are now being raised in the House of Conmans by Labour back bench rebels and opposition MPs over the fact Scandalson has been promoted to First Secretary of State and Lord President of the Council – personally ruling a sprawling Whitehall empire with ten ministerial underlings – and is totally unaccountable and not answerable to anyone but the pathetic Gordon Brown – if then.

Thus MP’s want Scandalson brought to book for his devious manipulations and summoned before Parliament to answer embarrasing questions from MPs like any other secretary of state.

While it has been speculated that the treacherous Scandalson might do the honourable thing and fall on his own sword, critics have been quick to point out that the arrogant egocentric scumbag doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘honour’and has skin thicker than a rhino’s arse.

It is now hoped that Whitehall’s ruling civil service mandarins will force Brown’s hand to dismiss Scandalson from any form of UK government office – or at least exile him back to Brussels, where as EU trade commissioner he performed beyond expectations – waving his ‘trade defence instruments’ sword at all and sundry – in true Quixotic fashion - and totally pissing off the Chinese industrial juggernaut – while ensuring the creation of low-value jobs that paid minimum wages, and simultaneously crippling Europe’s ability to create high wage jobs.

Little surprise that Scandalson is the wunderkind toast of the New World Order’s Masonic-Zionist mutant elitist oligarchs.

A question posed – if Tony Bliar is brought to book for his leading role in kick-starting the illegal invasion of Iraq – and charged with ‘crimes against humanity’, might he still be permitted to assume the post of the EU Presidency (if the rigged election goes ahead) and run said office from the cramped confines of an overcrowded British top security prison cell?

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Lost Ark-Nappers Admit Possession

The patriarch of the Orthodox Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Ethiopia says he will announce to the world today his schedule for the unveiling of the Ark of the Covenant.

Apparently this piece of Biblical era flatpack furniture is claimed to be history’s most prized archaeological and spiritual artefact, which has been hidden away in the dusty shithole cellar of an Ethiopian church for two and a half millenniums, according to the Italian news agency Corruptioni Press.

The Ethiopian Abuna Pauolos, in Italy for a meeting with Pope Benny Mk XVI this week, told the news agency, "Soon the world will be able to admire the Ark of the Covenant described in the Bible as the container of the holy tablets God gave to Moses for his bad back.”

The announcement is expected to be made this afternoon from the Hotel Extravaganza in Rome. The Abuna will reportedly be accompanied by Ethiopia’s dreadlocked Rastafarian Prince Highly Unlikely and Italian Mafia Grandee Duke Amadildo de Custard.

"The Ark of the Covenant has been hidden in Ethiopia for many centuries, since the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem was destroyed by the Babylonian vandals in 586 BCE,” Pauolos told press reporters.

"You common peasant heathens and infidel types have only seen the Ark in a Steven Slimeberg movie but I, as a VIP patriarch, have seen it with my own eyes.”
“But now you all, for a small facilitation fee, will be able to come to Ethiopia and see the unveiled Ark and take photos with your digicams – and make a wish too. This will really boost our tourist trade.”

According to Pauolos, the actual Ark has been kept in one church in Axum, but to defend the treasure and maintain the secret, scores of copies were built and placed in every single church in Ethiopia - so now nobody really knows which one is the real thing since the batteries in the genuine article went flat around a thousand years ago.

For the benefit of those lacking any form of education, the Ark of the Covenant is the sacred container of the Ten Commandments - as well as Aaron's fishing rod and a couple of kilos of manna (shelf life expiry date suspect) the mysterious low-cholesterol food that kept Moses and Co. alive while wandering in the wilderness for forty years without the aid of a compass or a Sat-Nav DGPS - during their journey to the Promised Land – Canaan - where the Palestinians used to live quite peacefully before the Israelis stole it in 1948.

The Bible relates that the Ark was built to the specifications of God as He spoke to Moses in divisions and multiples of talents, cubits, spans and letheks – which worked out to be approximately the same size as a modern day sideboard – mounted with a pair of full winged gold leaf cherubim – much the same as one might buy from Ikea or Wal-Mart.

While the Orthodox Christian Ethiopians believe the Ark is destined to be delivered to Jesus the Messiah when He reigns on Mount Zion – the Temple Mount in Jerusalem - conspiracy theorists claim the unveiling of the sacred Ark at this time is a dirty Rothslime Masonic Zionist plot to kick start the End of Times and initiate the Apocalypse by micro-nuking the Al Aqsa Mosque and wiping out any and all Islamic presence in Jerusalem - so the Third Temple of Solomon – a top priority in the Jewish eschatology - can be built on the site and usher the Coming of the Jewish Messiah - Lucifer.

Wouldn’t it come as an all-mighty (no pun intended) shock to the Shylock hierarchy if Allah or Mohammed - or Jesus Christ turned up instead.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Asylum Seeker Repatriation a Meg-Bucks Flop

A multi-million pound scheme formulated by the UK government to help failed asylum seekers and their children return home to their Third World shithole countries of origin resulted in just one family being repatriated, according to a Whitehall report leaked to the Welfare Spongers Gazette.

This was apparently Mr & Mrs Hector McTwat and their four scallie bairns who were forcibly tossed back over Hadrian’s Wall into their native bonny Scotland's heather after covertly setting up home in a Liverpool squat and posing as scrounging Scousers to claim jobseekers allowance and DSS welfare benefits under the ‘political refugee’ asylum seekers mandate.

The pilot scheme at Smegmadale-on-Sea, operated by PFI company ‘Migrants Fuck Off’, was aimed at reducing the number of children locked up in detention centres each year while their parents were vetted for criminal associations back in their home countries.

The entire management of the scheme has been criticised by the Chief Inspector of Prisons Ms. Candida Moron – and the Children's Commissioner for England – Sir Garibaldi Glitter - as a total balls-up of Biblical proportions run by incompetent PFI project imbeciles.

UK Border Agency spokeswoman Gwatcha O’Dinga told Pox News “We am having to in-ves-tigate dese gollywog type asylum seekers who am comin’ to de UK on de false pre-ten-ces sayin’ dey am political refugees when dey is really war criminals on de run who am only after a free ride on de back of us British taxpayers.”

“So dey all get locked up wid dere kids in de immi-gration de-ten-tion centre until we can put dem on a banana boat headin back to dere country where dey am come from.”

Each year 25,000 refugee children are locked up 24/7 in immigration removal centres with their parents who have been refused asylum – which is arguably an improvement on starving to death - or simply being snuffed - by the ruling Genocidist party back home in ‘darkest wherever’.

The Home Office then stated it was committed to finding alternatives to detention and in an attempt to bring down those numbers they set up the ill-conceived one-year pilot project.

The aim was for families who had reached the end of their asylum claims to stay in grace and favour housing – or a five-star hotel -and their children would go to school locally to get awarded Asbo’s or earn GCSE’s in knife fighting and mugging while their parents went out pedalling drugs and shoplifting until the next of Ms. O’Dinga’s scheduled banana boats was heading back to the asylum seeker’s homeland.

The project, which began in November 2007, aimed to see 15,000 families pass through its doors in the first year.
But the scheme, which cost just over £50 million, dealt with just 13 families and only one repatriated – the Scottish McTwat clan.

Conversely Hymie Kuntenberg, deputy chief executive of Refugees-R-Us, maintains the PFI scheme was not a failure and said very valuable lessons were learned – to the sum of several million quid in his personal offshore tax-exempt bank account - thank you.

Supermart Slimming Salads Packed with FAT

Pre-packed salads are definitely not the healthier option, with some supermarket lunchtime snackie items higher in calories and fat than a Big Mick Greasy Burger and High-Col’ Toxic Twisty Fries from the local Chew n Spew - according to a report in the current issue of the 'Heart Attack Gazette'.

Researchers from ‘Slob’ and ‘Couch Spud’ magazines also looked at 20 different salad combinations from the major ‘Eat Healthy’ deli’ counters of the Greedy Grocer and Grotty Grocer –and the prestigious M S (Moronic Spendthrifts) - supermarket chains, finding all contained high levels of MSG and aspartame - precisely what dieticians refer to as ‘carcinogenic crap’.

One ‘Pesto Pasta Duckbill’ salad from Pukesbury’s scored so high on the nasty cholesterol and colourings / additives index that it surpassed the Old English staple snackie of Drippin’ Butties – which were renown for inducing insta-strokes and cardiac arrests – and producing Mr. Creosote type obesity.

M S spokeswoman Fellatia Fuctifino told the media their Pasta with Tomato & Dockleaf Polack Pigeon "was not a salad and is not labelled as a salad, so we are confused as to why Slob magazine have included it in their salads report.”

However Slob editorial staff were quick to point out the meal was stacked on the slimmer’s salad shelves – right next to the chocolate √©clairs, doughnuts, fold-away body bags and chewable condoms - and did indeed contain double helpings of evil artery-blocking fatty crap.

Pukesbury’s 'Snobs' range of ‘Health Shelf’ shite included 'Smoked Hedgehog in Aspic' which Couch Spud mag’ assessed as being double the calorific equivalent of eating a portion of the Grotty Grocer’s 'Prawns Drowned in Mayonnaise' salad, which caused bulimic field correspondent Rita Slag to vomit up while eating at their top-end ‘Anorexic’s Delight’ slimming snack bar.

Covert audio and cam-corder footage of Ms. Slag confronting the snack counter staff with the complaint that “This mayonnaise tastes like semen” elicited a reply from the female chef of “I wouldn’t know – I’ve never tasted mayonnaise,” was deemed as wholly unsatisfactory and not in keeping with the mandated company policy of denying everything without an attorney present.

Conversely Greedy Grocer spokesperson Morton Scrunt told the media “We clearly label the ingredients of our slim salad products on the packaging but who the hell is going to buy the shit if we print alongside the fact that 'This meal contains calories and tumour-inducing additives – like all processed foods do – and will not assist in weight loss'.”

Thursday, 25 June 2009

‘Unemployed’ to be Redefined by Oxford Dictionary

Hull and neighbouring grotty Grimsby currently top the index of British cities with the highest rate of youth unemployment, a study by the Lazy Gits Review has revealed, with 99% of under-25’s claiming jobless benefits (or wagging school) – and 100% of over-25’s collecting unemployment pay and tax credits.

When interviewed by a reporter from the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly as to why Hull and Grimsby had the highest percentage of unemployment in the UK, Ms. Candida Fuctifino, the Minister for Part-Time Jobs, claimed it was due the collapse of the fishing industry and the fact that idiotic EU-imposed catch quotas had been further reduced to four crates of cod or half a dozen dogfish per week.

Ms. Fuctifino further elaborated “I have empathy and pity for these youths, but if there are no jobs to apply for then logic denotes that they’ll remain unemployed until someone hapless foreign billionaire philanthropist sticks his neck out and invests in a labour-intensive industry – such as coal mining or canal digging.”

“Obviously the government can’t afford to invest in any more lost causes, and the youth of Hull and Grimsby seem to pass each day with a parasitic ‘hands-out’ misguided human sense of entitlement – that the world – or Life – owes them something.”
“With public financial outlay deteriorating sharply, the only way Hull or Grimsby are going to achieve additional fiscal stimulus is by going out and robbing a bank.”

Most youths in Hull and Grimsby were born to unemployed parents, and several, when interviewed, were unable to name anybody they knew who had ever been employed – in any capacity.
Three out of ten youths didn’t even know what the word ‘job’ meant, two out of ten thought it was a swear word, and six out of ten thought ‘employed’ was a serious medical condition for which there was no known treatment – or cure.

While even the Cambridge-based Peppercorn Pessimists believe the majority of the UK will start to make a recovery from the current recession by mid 2010, the Oxford Optimists research group admit that the Hull and Grimsby areas are a failed social experiment that defies Darwinian evolutionary logic, with all forecasts in agreement that the populations will be back living in caves and existing as hunter-gatherers - or will have become extinct - by 2015.

New Labour’s covert plans for Operation Parsimony, excogitated by the Fascist and hegemonic Kafkaesque / Orwellian 'Tavistock Institute for Sheeple Control' – are to build a ‘segregation barrier’ south-east of York, encompassing the Humber Estuary from Hull to Grimsby – including Scunthorpe – which are set to be implemented early next year – with the populations of the ostracized communities forced to resort to cannibalism or relocate to mainland Europe.

On a brighter note drug addiction figures in Hull and Grimsby are down to zero for the first time in years due the fact nobody – or their dog – can afford to buy any smack or snort or smoke. The main mood-altering / mind-blowing narcotic substance of choice right now is wild rhubarb – which is usually swallowed by the spoonful – with custard.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Trust Me – I’m a Pilot : Que?

Dozens of holidaymakers returning to grotty Newcastle in the UK refused to fly after they were asked to act as human ballast.
A jammed rear cargo hold door meant luggage could only be loaded into the front of the Thomas Cook Disaster Tours plane at Spain’s Mallorca Palma Airport.

Passengers were asked to move seats to the rear of the faulty aircraft to re-distribute the weight so the plane sat level and not nose down, but seventy-odd terrified tourists left the potential flying coffin, fearing for their safety after a couple of bodgers from the airport’s Shit-Fit workshop failed to repair the damaged cargo hatch door with a crowbar and sledge hammer.

Thomas Cook Disaster Tours official spokeswoman Fellatia van der Gobble told the obituaries correspondent from the Undertakers Gazette that it was standard procedure for airlines to ensure cargo and passengers were evenly distributed, and there was no real safety risk – except if the rear cargo hatch door fell off during the flight home.

Passenger safety concerns were further aggravated by the fact the in-flight movie was ‘Final Destination 4’, which apparently did little to boost confidence in the aircraft’s capacity to fly to Newcastle - and arrive in one piece.

Those who refused to fly on Saturday were snubbed by the travel agents when requesting alternative – and safe – transport home and had to arrange a substitute means of travel for themselves – with some swimming to the mainland then catching shuttle buses - or walking - back to the UK.

Vinnie McScrunt, who booked his holiday through Scallies Tours, told reporters “The problem is like, stuck out there on a bunch of poxy Spic islands, yer ‘ave ter fly – or swim - ter get on or off ‘em, so Thomas Cook’s Deathtrap Airlines ‘ave yer by the effin’ Balearics, if yer get me drift like.”

Candida Muffitch, a 17-year old mother of three, told the media "The pilot came out to speak ter us an’ sez it was perfectly safe fer us all ter sit at the back of the plane ter balance the effin’ thing cos all the luggage woz stuck up the front.”

"Then me mate Chantelle asks ‘im if the cargo ‘old door could open when we woz in the air at 35,000 feet an’ ‘e calls ‘er a shit-stirrin’ cunt an’ ‘as ‘er chucked off the effin’ plane – so I sez ‘fuck this’ an’ fuck Suicide Tours - an' got off meself too."

Ms. Van der Gobble further informed reporters "We are disappointed that despite reassurances from the captain and crew, a number of passengers failed to have faith in Thomas Cook and decided not to travel."
"The fact the plane did crash in the Pyrenees during its flight back to the UK was due to bad weather and had absolutely nothing to do with the faulty cargo hatch door falling off."

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

US Kingmakers Choose New Shah for Iran

Washington’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’ Masonic Zionist fantasy foreign policy schemes regarding the Islamic Republic of Iran have now seen the Manifest Destiny quest for regime change choose a new ruler and prime minister.

The Obama administration’s desired form of government would be a Constitutional Monarchy, with the Head of State being Reza Pahlavi, the wastrel scumbag son of the former wastrel scumbag Shah Mohammad Reza Pahlavi – a virtual chip off the old corrupt block who ran away to hide in the 1978-79 Islamic revolution and never came back.

Much as the criminal enterprise known as the Bush administration had Hamid Kharzai ready to fill the Afghan presidency in 2001 and renta-crook Ahmed (watch yer pockets) Chalabi ready for Iraqi leadewrship in 2003 – O’Barmy’s advisors now have Pahlavi ready to be King - and Kansas-born slimeball Skunky Sobhani as his Prime Minister.

Stuck in a Groundhog Day political time warp US officials seem to think that a CIA type Operation Ajax coup d’etat is going to play out again as it did in 1953 when Donald Wilbur and Kermit ‘Kim’ Roosevelt Jnr. engineered the criminal overthrow of the democratically-elected Prime Minister Mohammed Mossadegh – to the detriment of the many and benefit of the few – with that ‘few’ being oil companies threatened with nationalisation.

The chief promoter of the O’Barmy administration policy is Masonic Zionist stooge Michael Ledeen, who has written and lectured obsessively about regime change in Iran on behalf of his Rothschild masters – and all from the unique vantage point of never visiting the country or studying Persian and Farsi culture.

While Reza Pahlavi is, like his father, a poser and hedonistic wastrel – his interest in being Shah is exclusively one of personal greed and extracting revenge for Daddy’s 1979 overthrow by the Jolly Green Giant Islamic fundamentalist movement.

Conversely Sobhani’s interests in regime change are very clear and very consonant with Masonic-Zionist American desires – and wholly commercial.

He professes that supporting a secularisation of Iran would lead to easier transport of Caspian oil through Iranian territory – with said secularisation being beneficial for Israel – who had excellent ties with Iran prior to the1978 / 79 Islamic Revolution.

Elimination of the clerical regime in Iran would eliminate support for the Iran-backed Lebanese Hezbollah and lead to renewed trade between Tehran and Tel Aviv – and the desired dismantling of Iran’s nuclear ambitions in toto.

Ledeen, Sobhani and Morris Amitay, former director of the principal Israeli lobbying group, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) joined forces at the American Enterprise Institute in a seminar entitled The Future of Iran, in which they called for regime change – with the fatally-arrogant Sobhani publicly putting a price tag on the operation, stating “You can buy yourself a Free Iran today for $20 million.”

Nice to know the United States still holds the spirit of sovereign self-determination and its own Monroe Doctrine in high esteem.

Is Charlie Windsor a Sponging Git?

British taxpayers involuntarily funded the opulent and ostentatious lifestyle of the bat-eared Prince of Wales to the tune of £30 million last year - an annual rise of almost 25% in the midst of a global recession, according to Clarence House accounts.

The main cost was a 48% rise in official travel by air and rail, which increased to £10:75 million.
Charles travelled more than 50,000 miles to attend 658 official engagements during his 60th birthday year – collecting presents, shaking hands with Third World despots and quaffing vintage booze - which is pretty tough going for any party animal – hangover’s excluded.

Charles's private income increased by a paltry 1% - to £16.4 million during the last financial year – more than your average council Asbo housing estate of British peasant stock families – in total - will earn in a lifetime – and Charlie still has to sponge off the taxpayer?

Radical anti-Monarchist campaign group ‘Parasites Out’ - which is pressing for a summer of ‘Revolutionary Regicide’ - has called on the government to stop funding his extravagant lifestyle - publicly questioning with regard to Charles’ wife’s addictive bad habits - “Why the fuck are we paying for that old slag Dragonilla’s stinkin’ ciggies, bottles of gin and wrinkle filler?”

Charlie’s senior aide, Sir Morton Scrunt, said the rise in official travel costs was due to long-haul trips to the Far East and South America.
“Good God, we can’t have the next King of England dossing down at some poxy flea-infested squat or the local YMCA in Rio or Madras. Top notch five star hotels cost five star prices.”

The annual financial review suggests the Prince helped to raise £25 in support of his core charities through a car boot sale – flogging off his old cardigans and back copies of the Blue Blood Mutant’s Monthly Review.

A keen environmental campaigner, Prince Charles also presided over a substantial cut in carbon emissions at Clarence House during the year to April.
Fossil fuel use was reduced by 15%, the report said, when a halt was called to the felling of oak trees for firewood and the gardening staff’s insta-meals replaced with recycled low cholesterol compost salads.

In the year to April, the surplus generated by the Duchy of Cornwall - the ten thousand acre landed estate given to the heir to the throne by his Mum - increased by only £85 million – mainly through the sale of their organic Duchy Originals high grade rhubarb.

The accounts reveal £6.2 million went on staff salaries and security, £650,000 on his gardens and more than £5 million on official entertaining and receptions – including the running and maintenance of the estate’s Happy Haddock fish and chip shop.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Speaker Election turns into Political Shitfight

The race to become the most powerful House of Conmans Speaker in modern history is being undermined by egocentric party whips who are trying to install chinless wonder Margaret ‘Hanging Baskets’ Beckett as their anti-reform candidate.

Bonkers Beckett, who has previously fucked up every post she’s held in the New Labour government, now has aspirations to further corrupt the Parliamentary democratic process through the role of Speaker.

The ten candidates for the position of Speaker have been delivering their final pitches to MPs in the Conmans amid an atmosphere of acrimony and confusion, with Labour whips accused of an establishment 'stitch-up' to install their own slack-jawed broomstick pilot – Bonkers Beckett - while backbenchers warned of poll 'skulduggery'.

The scandal-ridden Beckett, dumped from government two weeks ago, is pulling all stops and favours – including sexual if anybody is hard-up enough to be tempted - to get herself the job and it is this rancorous backdrop against which MPs will elect a successor to fellow scandal-ridden MP ‘Gorbals Mick’ Martin today.

Senior Labour figures, with PM Gordon ‘Incapabilty’ Brown in the thick of them, have been accused of colluding with Conservatives and other lickspittle political stooges to ensure that the incompetent money-grabbing Beckett is elected today.

Political focus groups claim with authority that Labour is being damaged disproportionately by the row over MPs’ expenses because people believe that Parliament is controlled by Labour – with a common opinion being that appointing a Tory Speaker might be the best way to challenge this perception.

However, over the weekend Ladbrokes Bookies reported that, after a late flurry of betting, Tory MP favourite Bertwhistle Fuctifino had slipped to third place behind Bonkers Beckett and Lib-Dem MP ‘Ming the Merciless’ Campbell, chairman of the Corrupt Privileges Committee.

Ten candidates have stated they want the Speaker’s pension – er job - but only four — Ann Porkcombe, Sir Alan Plonker, Whitby St. Custard and Sir Quentin Scrunt have named their 12 sponsors publicly.

Pandit Dhobiwaller, Michael de Twatte, Carlston Dockleaf, Sir Mingin Campbell, Sir Patrick MacFuckwit, Margaret Bonkers Beckett and Bertie Fuctifino have all declined to do so.

The Daily Shitraker has learnt that the Labour whips, who enforce the Government’s will in Parliament, are also trying to limit reforms that would give MPs more power over Government and meddling with the composition of the parliamentary reform committee.

Opponents fear that they are trying to water down its power and ensuring Beckett’s election as Speaker would contribute greatly and directly in achieving this crooked objective.

So with the balloting and Machiavellian machinations likely to continue well into the late hours of the night, and Bonkers Beckett the favourite by a short head, perhaps more than a single candidate might muse in their minds the 12th Century words of Plantagenet King Henry the Second when referring to another Beckett : “Who will rid me of this troublesome bitch?”

When a winner is declared their supporters drag them to the Speaker’s chair in a display of mock reluctance - a throwback to a time when being Speaker carried the risk of death at the hands of a Monarch who was displeased with the will of the House of Conmans.

Is The Stig a Tory MP ?

To viewers of the Top Gear petrol-head show, he is the androgynous Transformer : part Man / part Cyberdork - whose arteries course with low-cholesterol STD oil additives.

But the true substance of “The Stig”, the BBC motoring programme’s reclusive Mystery-Bot racing driver, was revealed yesterday to be somewhat more prosaic.

The identity of the cult character, who test-drives cars around the Top Gear track, was divulged at the weekend as Ronnie McScrunt – a pre-op’ transvestite and former London taxi driver who played the part of a green wheelie bin in Guy Richie’s last movie flop “Fuck off yer Scouse Twat”.

Before starring in Top Gear he had a varied career that included a two week stint in the Salvation Army's Sniper Squad, part-time espionage work for MI5 impersonating a potted plant in al Qaeda’s London public relations offices, and a job winding cuckoo clocks at Harrods.

McScrunt got into motor sports in 1994 when he raced in – and won - a Scalectrix Formula One competition at Brands Snatch – a breakaway career move from his mundane job as a call centre advisor for the Samaritans - charging £3 an hour giving "Just do it!" motivational speeches to potential suicides.

While the identity of McScrunt, a reformed WD40 addict, being the white-suited Stig has been an open secret within the transgender side of the motor racing world for some years the Sunday Shitraker outed the secret after following up a rumour that a man had ordered a large batch of personalised gay-themed Christmas cards with the Stig’s photo on the inside – with and without his ubiquitous helmet.

Confronted by reporters from the gutter press McScrunt admitted “Okay, it’s a fair cop - I’m Spartacus.”

Conversely critics and nay-sayers have jumped on the story, claiming it is a publicity stunt by the BBC and the Top Gear producers to simply boost flagging interest in a ‘ Macho Mano’ programme that many viewers are beginning to find boring as there are very few people ever killed during the vehicle stunts or in multiple pile-ups.

An online survey poll resulted in a unanimous opinion that the Sunday evening show now lacked ‘blood and guts’ - with many viewers swapping channels to watch the gore-laced BBC religious favourite ‘Songs of Praise’.

The cult surrounding the character has grown because he is routinely introduced on the show with a humorous reference to his alleged non-human faculties – like the fact he chews nails and spits rust – and bites the heads off rabid ferrets.

Introductions include “Some say his voice terrifies council bailiffs”, and “His bitches reckon he has bollocks the size of grapefruits.”

Today’s press is fielding claims that the real Stig’s identity is former racing champ Michael Shoechucker - juxtaposed with UK driver Benjamin Button, the naturally sun-tanned Lewis Hamilton, Bristol-born celebrity grafitti artist Wanksy, and further speculation that Stiggy sounds exactly like the squeaky-voiced Tory MP for Old Scrotum and Shadow Minister for Garden Sheds: Mr. Wentworth Thort-Nott.

In a candid aside to motor sports reporters Max ‘The Masochist’ Mosley - FIA president and celebrity neo-Nazi bondage enthusiast – told Pox News “Ever wonder why nobody can find Lord Lucan?”

Sunday, 21 June 2009

NASA Moon Mission is Ploy to Bomb Iran

The US O’Barmy government’s plan to bring forward NASA’s scheduled October 2009 ‘Moon bombing’ to this coming week has sinister connotations according to one Washington rumour mill.

A NASA lunar orbiter was scheduled to bomb the Moon's surface with a two ton kinetic explosive device to create a five mile wide crater in a purported search for water.

However the re-scheduling of the mission to next week has been exposed as a plan to deliberately have the bomb miss the Moon by miles, swing back towards Earth and impact instead on downtown Tehran – targeting the offices of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadashell instead.

The CIA have reportedly poured billions of worthless greenbacks into Iran to finance dodgy radical groups in their attempt to stir up post-election riots and bring about either a military coup or at least regime change to a US / Zionist friendly non-nuclear leadership.

However this plot has gone totally squirly as the US Mid-East analysts still don’t understand the first principles of Persian culture and Zoroastrianism, or about Islam itself, and regard the Iranians as Arabs and not a wholly separate, Farsi-speaking, race of people.

Now the military-industrial cabals hawks are demanding a positive strike and the best way to bring this about – apart from letting the Israeli nutcases loose to blast the living shit out of the place and kick-starting WW3 - is a tactical strike on the successfully re-elected Iranian leadership so a political group friendly to the Great Satan and the Zionist mad dogs might be installed into the intended power vacuum – much as is now the case in Afghanistan and Pakistan – where muppet governments allow US mercenary troops to target and kill whoever they like –with innocent civilians normally topping the list.

Thus NASA’s bunker busting two ton deep penetration kinetic bomb is the ideal answer to creating a five mile wide crater in the middle of Tehran – with president Mahmoud Ahmadashell’s personal office at the epicentre – and the Yanks holding the ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card excuse of “Hey – NASA fucked up – they missed the Moon! – Big Whoops – and Sorry”

Conversely, while the doves are attempting to expose the intended US ‘Moon Bomb’ strike on Tehran and hence expedite its abandonment, others are publicly petitioning for the ditching of NASA’s L-CROSS mission plan to actually bomb the Moon, citing the US-ratified Outer Space Treaty which specifically requires that “The Moon and other celestial bodies shall be used by all States - Parties to the Treaty - exclusively for peaceful purposes”.

The UN’s worthless Outer Space Treaty states the establishment of military bases, installations and fortifications, the testing of any type of weapons and the conduct of military manoeuvres on celestial bodies shall be forbidden. This has now been ratified by 125 nations – including North Korea, Iran and Chad.

These groups further state that if the true intent of the L-CROSS mission Moon bombing is a hostile act by NASA against known Grey and Draco Reptilian extraterrestrial civilizations and their vacation settlements on the moon, then NASA and by extension the U.S. government are guilty of aggressive war - which is the most serious of war crimes under the U.N. Charter and the Geneva Conventions, to which the U.S. is subject – but to date take absolutely no fucking notice of when in pursuit of egocentric commercial, military and political gains.

So far the Daily Shitraker has been unable to contact the Moon-base offices of the Grand Thetan for comment concerning the planned NASA mission.

Worst Fears Confirmed : World Gone Mad

Prospective buyers from around the globe, including North Korea, China and Somalia, have been calling auctioneers Floggit & Sons concerning the sale of a 76-acre stretch of Cornish beach.

Shitdale Sands near St. Scabs has been put up for auction, with a guide price of £50,000.
The Shitdale Sands beach has been owned for the past 19 years by a certain reclusive Mr. Ben Gunn who now wishes to capitalise on the investment to fund his retirement at the Grotty Grannies Care Home.

Morton Volestrangler, from auctioneers Floggit, told Pox News the beach had already attracted a lot of interest from as far away as China - and a blue chip pirate company in Somalia who have filed Letters of Intent and Credit for an amount rumoured to be at the top end of the seven figure range.

Volestrangler added "There is an established covenant against any sort of development but absolutely nothing to stop the new owners anchoring their fast attack craft in the bay and hoisting a Jolly Roger flag on the beach.”

“Really, with all the caves along the cliff walls it’s ideal pirate territory, hence the Somali interest for launching buccaneering raids into the English Channel due all the flack they’ve been getting recently around the Gulf of Aden.”

The 16th Century covenant, signed by King James 1, entitles the owner of Shitdale Sands all rights to flotsam and jetsam, beached whales, wrack, driftwood - and seasonal oil slicks from leaky Greek tankers.

***************

Last week the Dublin headlines were awash with the story of vegetarian pickaxe throwing champion Sheamus Murphy discovering a dead mouse in his seasonal Christmas malt loaf.

Still in Cornwall, Mrs. Fellatia McGammer, of the coastal town of St. Sodoms, found a whole mouse in a jar of curry sauce purchased from a local branch of the Grotty Grocer supermarket chain.

Fellatia bought the jar of Extra Special Rodent Masala sauce to prepare her husband’s favourite spicy seagull curry for dinner and discovered the mouse after she emptied the jar and noticed that the sauce was a bit lumpy.

Fellatia told the Cormorant Strangler’s Weekly "I'm not particularly squeamish cos I used to work at a local extreme rendition centre kicking the shite out of hoodies and yobs but an effin’ big mouse in me curry was a bit of a put-off.”

She said staff at the Grotty Grocer outlet where she bought the jar of Extra Special Rodent Masala sauce from were "as good as gold" when she went in to complain and replaced the product with one of their top-of-the-range ‘Finest’ products - guaranteed to be free of all types of pestilent vermin.”

Grotty Grocer spokesman Frank Fuctifino told the media “So what – it’s just another effin’ mouse – nothin’ unusual – an’ it woz dead too.”

Government health and sanitation spokesman Candida Thort-Nott told Pox News “There is no reason to connect the curry sauce rodent incident with the one in the Irish malt loaf – and even less reason for speculation that this is the harbinger of mass mouse suicides – lemming style – due the effects of global warming.

****************

The BBC’s online news this week posted a gourmet recipe for an authentic medieval way to roast a porpoise.

Celebrity chef Heston Bloomintwat – owner of the famed Manky Mallard restaurant chain - came across the unique recipe while researching the ‘Vomitaria Maximus’ cookbook - compiled by master cuisiniers to King Richard II - which is part of a collection of medieval cordon bleu texts written on stretched sheep’s scrotums and held by the Crapford Library in Scumborough.

Now an edition of the cookbook dating from the early 15th Century, compiled in about 1420, has been digitalised and uploaded to the library's website.

Ghengis McTwat, keeper of manuscripts, informed reporters it contained hundreds of recipes.

The roast porpoise recipe, for instance, begins, in Mid-English, "For to make a roasted porpoise first get thyself into a boat and row out to the deep estuary and open sea and there catcheth thyself one of medium size with line and hook. Cook over a medium heat wood fire for several hours, turning regularly, until porpoise stops screeching and is confirmed to be dead. Serve with fresh truffles and chestnuts.”

Among the recipes are exotic dishes featuring badger in aspic, rack of peasant, poached cormorant, pickled stoat stuffed with crispy dormice - (vermin in ermine) - and more recognisable names like blackbird pie, rhubarb crumble and blancmange on toast.

While the adventurous chef might well be tempted to try out some of the recipes, the ingredients, once commonplace in 15th Century Merrie England, might be difficult to source at today’s Greedy Grocer supermarkets.

One tempting comprehensive recipe for “a banquet to feed a multitude” instructs the cuisiniers to “Get thy lazy arse out to the forest deep and dark wherein thy should target a stag of fourteen hands height and bring to mortal demise with use of arrow and bow – then snuff the daylights out of downed beast with a blunt mace.”

Not exactly an ideal method of preparing for a Sunday afternoon barbeque for the urban-bound hunter gatherer type.

***************

Spread out in the Jolly Pillocks sunny beer garden in deepest Dorset last weekend, 65 people – their faces rigid with pain and disgust – gathered in the annual quest to be crowned the King of the Stingers.

There is no easy route to winning the World Stinging Nettle Eating Championship, held each year in the village of Clotford Wood near Numptyport.
It takes skill, it takes endurance, it takes great blistering chunks out of what used to be your mouth – and it takes a bigger pair of bollocks to try for the crown.

Competitors are served two-foot-long stalks of organic home-grown nettles from which they pluck and eat the leaves. The bare stalks are measured and the winner’s the one with the greatest accumulated length – of stalks.

"They taste bleedin’ evil an’ yer shit’s a bright green colour for effin’ days after – plus yer haemorrhoids get stung to fuck an’ back too. But it’s worth it, just fer a laugh,” 95-year old perennial competitior Frank Scrunt told a reporter from the Masochist’s Gazette.

The noble nettle, the Urtica Docia, is a nutritional powerhouse, rich in iron, potassium, calcium and abundant vitamins – when taken as a tea or boiled vegetable source. However the leaves are covered in thousands of microscopic hypodermic needles each filled with boric acid which provide masochists with that beloved painful ‘rush’.

As a grand finale to the annual nettle eating competition – and after downing several pints of Old Wifebeater or Headbanger lager – the assembled participants and spectators strip naked and roll, topsy-turvey fashion, down the 1 in 4 slopes of Screamers Hill through the meter-high crop of stinging nettles – before coming to a howling and agonising halt in a specially-prepared pool of leech-infested liquid cow shit.

*******************

The world is in the grip of a “virulent” new strain of Jew hating anti-Zionism, Chief Rabbi Sheldon Scruntberg told the Whingeing Yid Gazette.

He claims Jews have been physically attacked, schools targeted and cemeteries desecrated – in reprisal for the atrocities levelled against the innocent Palestinian civilian populations of Gaza and the West Bank by the mad dog Israeli military.

“My brother Hymie and I were in a caf√© last week having a bacon sandwich and some goyim Gentile scumbag plumber came in, looked over at us, and declared out loud “Is that Zyclon B gas I can smell?” It was most upsetting.”

Whereas in the past hatred was focused against Judaism as a religion or Jews as a race, the focus this time is on Zionist Jews as a nation. The rise in the number of attacks on kikes in December 2008 and in 2009 coincide precisely with Israel’s genocidal assaults on the Palestinians of Gaza.

“It begins as anti-Zionism — but it is never merely anti-Zionism when it attacks synagogues or Jewish kosher take-aways,” Rabbi Scruntberg told Pox News.
“In the post-Holohoax world the single greatest source of authority is human rights — therefore the new Jew baiting is constructed from the language of human rights – and Israel’s human wrongs against her Palestinian neighbours.”

“The UN has also fanned the flames. At the World Conference against Racism in Durban, Israel was accused of the five cardinal sins against human rights — racism, apartheid, ethnic cleansing, crimes against humanity and attempted genocide. But – hey – remember - we are God’s chosen people and it’s our Manifest Destiny to rule all the other goyim heathen races.”

“There had been after the Holohoax a kind of taboo and that began to break, then the yid hating went viral with the anti-globalist movement.”
“Within 24 hours of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre on 9/11 people shouted from the rooftops it was ‘Mossad wot done it’ – the same with the London Tube bombings and the micro-nuke at the Sari nightclub in Bali.”

“Now my congregation come to me and ask : “Why do the goyim scumbags hate us Jews and world Zionism?” – and I have to answer “Probably due the fact we have very short memories – about the WW2 Nazi ghetto’s and concentration camps – and stealing Palestine and renaming it Israel.”

“The root of the problem started when we got the Romans to murder Jesus Christ - plus historically being known as a bunch of all round greedy sneaking cunts. It’s simply our nature and we’ll never change”

**************

Rocky the rooster has ruffled a few feathers in a rural Smegmashire village with his ‘dawn-on-the-dot’ early morning wake-up calls.

Killjoy urbanite neighbours living in Fuckwit Wood held a protest march and filed complaints with the local council’s environmental health officers about his loud cock-a-doodle-do’s.

Rocky’s owner, Feral Beryl McScallie , a 16-year old mother of four, told the media “It’s wot yer can expect living right next door ter the New Forest – sorta ‘countryfied’ isn’t it eh. It’s all these townies comin’ ‘ere wot’s complainin’ – not the locals wot woz born ‘ere.”

To comply with a council noise abatement notice Ms. McScallie has had to black out the windows of the garden hen house to keep Rocky from realising it’s dawn until a later – and more reasonable hour - or face a fine of up to £5,000.

Ms.McScalie’s partner, 86-year old Alfie Scrunt, told Fox News “These second home townie twats come livin’ up here ter get outa the city an’ enjoy the country life then complain about normal countryside noises.”

“Old Rocky’s not a happy rooster bein’ stuck in the hen shed until nine in the mornin’. It’s havin’ a negative psychological effect on his macho rooster image and a direct abuse of his human rights as a chicken – not bein’ able to crow on schedule.”

Rocky - who started out in Life as an inconspicuous and non-descript large brown egg – was unavailable for comment.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Safety Rules Ruining Childhood

UK teachers are being handed fifty page instruction guides warning of the dangers of adhesive Prick Sticks and other hazardous classroom materials such as chalk and string - fuelling claims that health and safety rules are ruining education and stifling traditional healthy outdoor pursuit upbringings for children.

Staff at the Personal Injuries Claim Primary School told how they had been subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre guidelines to stop schools being sued in the event of an accident – or a pupil going postal with an assault rifle over poor exam results.

One career teacher who spoke candidly with the media on conditions of anonymity (Ms. Gladys Scrunt) revealed the school ordered adults and children to wear gloves, goggles and face masks when using Blu-Tack.

Another told how the school banned them from using spray foam when marking out spaces on the games field in case a child slipped and drowned in it.

Going even further to the extreme, the traditional three-legged race, the sack race and the egg and spoon race were dropped from Sports Day because they were considered too dangerous following a lengthy risk assessment – and on reflection of the gym master getting skewered while measuring out the javelin throwing event in 2008.

However the pillow fight contest has now been approved on condition the participants wear helmets and body armour.

More than nine out of ten teachers reported school trips had been toned down or cancelled because of safety concerns – such as a recent trip to the Smegmadale Safari Park being scrubbed due fears that some of the children might get eaten by hungry wild animals.
One annual excursion to the beach has been shelved permanently after a risk assessment revealed children going swimming in the sea might get wet.

It follows conclusions in a Government-funded report last year that "perceived health and safety regulations were felt to have systematically undermined communities and the quality of their children's education".

The report was initiated after a 15-year old female secondary school pupil, who can’t be named for legal reasons (Fellatia McGammer), broke a fingernail during art class and had to be rushed by ambulance to the nearest manicurists.

Ms. Rita Scrunge, a spokeswoman for the Department for Children, Schools and Families told the education correspondent for the Cormorant Stranglers Weekly : "We urge schools to take a common sense approach to keeping pupils safe but a calculated amount of risk is part and parcel of growing up and we do not subscribe to a cotton wool culture of a sanitised childhood."

Asked for his opinion on the current health and safety hurdles facing schools, 96-year old registered sex offender Harry Slug told reporters “I never went to no school but I used ter play wiv the kids that did.”
“I ‘ad ter start work in a coal mine when I woz six years old ter ’elp feed the family cos me Dad woz inside like fer murderin’ the neighbours an’ me Mum was on the gin bottle 24/7 an’ floggin’ ‘er golly. But it never did me any ‘arm. I love ‘angin’ around schools.”

Twelve-year old Danny McTwat from Smegmadale’s prestigious Asbo Central High told reporters “Yeah right, it’s bleedin’ barmy - we ‘ave to do an effin’ risk assessment before we cross the fuckin’ road ter go ter Bargain Booze or Threshers fer a few cans of Old Headbanger lager an’ a pack of fags.”
“Wot tosser thinks up these daft regulations, cos I’m not votin’ for ‘im.”

Non-Kosher Electrons now Anti-Semitic

A story on the front page of the Daily Kike Whinger reports that an orthodox Jewish couple are suing their neighbours in a block of flats at Smegmadale-on-Sea because they claim an automatic security light breaks a religious prohibition and discriminates against them.

Mrs. Dimwitty Dorkberg, the head teacher of the Jewish orthodox St. Schmuck’s College of Latter Day Foreskin Choppers, and her klutz of a husband Sheldon, claim they are kept prisoner in their holiday flat on the Sabbath because if they go out they trigger the light in the communal hallway – much the same as they do on every other night of the week when venturing abroad.

As if the Nazi Holohoax has never happened, Dimwitty and Sheldon are imprisoned in their Auschwitz Towers holiday home on the coastal town’s Gaza Boulevard sea front - by an electronic device.

While it is a well-established scientific fact that electrons are negative - at least symbolically - from now on they fall under the category of anti-Semitic.

The Dorkbergs, in typical display of numpty dumpty Jewish logic, claim their human rights are being breached and are suing the flat's management company, which includes their 35 neighbours, for failing to accommodate their archaic religious beliefs.

For readers who are unaware of the idiotic nuances of the orthodox Jewish religion, they hold that the Talmudic prohibition of lighting a fire on the Sabbath also embraces the switching on of electric lights. Their heathen Sabbath begins at sunset on Friday and lasts until Saturday night.

The Dorkbergs moved into the flat in the spring of 2003 when the common access hallway lighting was switched on all through the hours of darkness – which was apparently okay as the Dorkbergs themselves were not turning on the light.

However, when the management company fitted the motion sensor light switches to each level of the building’s hallways six months ago - to save energy and money – this meant that when the Dorkbergs exited their flat onto a pitch black hallway they turned on the security lights –which is a big no-no in the Talmud’s kosher brochure for Sabbaths.

The couple claim they were advised by solicitors Greedstein & Fleecem they had a strong claim in opposing the installation of the motion detector switches.
They have now issued a county court writ against the management company, saying it has discriminated against them on the grounds of their bonkers religion and want an override switch fitted for their personal use – so they can stumble around in the dark and fall down the stairs.

The claim also accuses the company of breaching their rights under the Equality Act 2006 and Human Rights Act 1998.

All observant orthodox Jews trace the switching on of electric lights back to the lighting of a fire, one of the original 39 Sabbath prohibitions.
Conversely Jews possessed by some modicum of common sense make an exception in the case of security lights because of the safety implications.

However the Auschwitz Towers Management Company told a reporter from the Jew-Baiters Gazette that the installation of an override switch would set an "unacceptable precedent and the Dorkstein’s legal threats were an act of barratrous pursuit.”

One resident, Jack Himmler, commented: " There is a feeling that things should not be changed just to suit that pair of fat whingeing yids in their upstairs flat when everyone else is happy with the new security lighting system.”
“There’s been a meeting about it and many of the residents are not happy and want to start a pogrom.”

The Auschwitz Towers company is made up of three directors who all live in the block and represent the 36 flat owners.

In a statement to the gutter press Barry Goering, a local BNP councillor and the official company spokesman declared : “My fellow directors and I believe that all lessees at Auschwitz Towers support the actions taken by the management company to reduce communal lighting electricity costs, and to minimise repair and maintenance costs by preventing heat damage to light fittings and prolonging their life."
"Hence it is, overall, a money-saving measure - which to penny-grabbing Yid types should present an appealing modification.”

“The directors further believe that all other lessess support the installation of movement sensor controls in the hallways and have no personal problems with their installations. Further Mrs. Dorkberg calling other residents a bunch of goyim scumbags isn’t a tactical or diplomatic approach to resolving the conflict.”

The chief inspector for Smegmadale-on-Sea’s Health and Safety Executive, Mr. Ronnie Eichmann, told reporters “Typical – these people maintain and exercise Dark Ages religious edicts that should have been binned decades ago."
"If they have the lights turned off every weekend to suit their daft whims then what happens when a neighbour goes tits up in the dark?”
“However, what do you expect from a religious cult who still snip the ends off their cocks because ‘God’ told them to.”

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Benefit Cheat Impersonates Dead Mother

A New York man has been arrested for impersonating his dead mother in order to claim $415,000 in social security benefits and rent subsidies – and get a regular endorphin-boosting transgender experience high.

Seymour Slimeberg, 49, is accused by prosecutors of regularly dressing up in a wig, two-piece and pearls, and make-up in order to ‘look like Mummy’ and fool the authorities.

The alleged scam has been going on ever since Mr Slimeberg’s mother, Miriam Slimeberg, died after accidentally cutting her throat while shaving in 2001 - at the age of 96.

Slimeberg, a former doorknob polisher, faces charges of grand larceny, forgery, conspiracy to defraud and criminally impersonating his mother with intent to deceive.

Wearing heavy make-up, false boobs, stick-on varicose veins and using a walking stick and fake ID - and accompanied by a man posing as Mrs Slimeberg’s nephew Sheldon - Mr Slimeberg would, according to prosecutors, collect benefit checks, visit banks and even attend weekly meetings at the Jewish Mothers Guild to conjure up semi-legitimate reasons to exterminate the Palestinians and bomb Iran.

When Mrs Slimeberg died her son Seymour is accused of furnishing the funeral director with a tampered death certificate, a false social security number and date of birth so that Mummy’s mortal expiry would not show up in government records.

He is then alleged to have started claiming $7000 a month in social security benefits in her name on top of his own dodgy claim for false disability benefits.

Slimeberg has also been accused of filing for bankruptcy in his mother's name, and then collecting $139,000 in rent subsidies from the numpty city government’s Housing Support Authority.

Another man, Isaac Greedstein, 47, (rumoured to be Slimeberg’s live-in faggot lover) is accused of pretending to be Mrs Slimeberg’s nephew Sheldon, and was accompanying Mr Slimeberg on 29 April when - posing as his mother - he renewed a driving licence in her name.

Unfortunately for Seymour the licencing authority inspector, Moshe Finkleheimer, had known the real Mrs. Slimeberg personally and alerted police authorities to the scam.

Finkleheimer told a reporter from the Red Sea Pedestrian’s Gazette “Hellfire, I used to bonk Miriam Slimeberg for years after her husband Shmucksky snuffed it – and I recognised that sneaky little drag artist twat of a son of hers – Seymour – as soon as he stood in front of me. What a dumb klutz.”

Following his arrest police searched Slimeberg’s house and discovered troves of incriminating evidence of benefit fraud - and disguise paraphernalia that he used to impersonate his Mother – even down to padded bra’s to supplement his own sagging man boobs.

The Art of Mass Distraction

The BBC ‘Front Page’ news headlines today announced that the celebrity brother of actress Mia Farrow (who?) – the sculptor Patrick Farrow (another who?) - had died, aged 96, in what police described as suspicious circumstances - for a man of his age.

This Earth-shattering front page announcement will no doubt reverberate throughout the known Universe for Time Immemorial and alter the way everyday shit-for-brains peasants conceive the Divine Meaning - and Purpose - of Life and the Immortal Soul.

The BBC’s top headlines list included such philosophically-profound revelations as :

MySpace to cut staff by a third - to create more space.
NY man charged with impersonating dead mother.
Nevada senator admits having kinky affair - with goat.
Mia Farrow’s brother stops breathing – believed dead.
Economists forecast end to US recession by 2055.
Mexican Bishop chokes to death at Houston Taco Bell Chew n Spew.
South American Andes could collapse due global warming ice build-up.
Pig makes nest in Central Park tree – lays egg then flies off.

Futher newsworthy occurences made mention of Paris Hilton checking into Canterbury’s Priory Clinic - to have the scabs and spots sand-blasted off her bony arse and get her rotting snatch pressure washed.

And that, folks, was the World Headline News.

Any mention of US-made Israeli battle tanks squashing more Palestinian children in Gaza? – Nope.
Any word about how many mothers gave birth to deformed abominations in Iraq this month due ingesting air and water contaminated with depleted uranium? – Not a whisper.
An updated figure on the millions of peasants unemployed globally due the incompetent bankster-generated recession? – Nary a one.
News of arrests in the Maddy McCann kidnap case – who was snatched-to-order in Portugal and sold to Belgian Satanists for ritual sacrifice purposes? – Not a single column inch.
Any hint of what really happen to the four hijacked aeroplanes – plus passangers – on 9/11? – Not this week – and don’t hold your breath either.
Any explanation as to why the Afghan opium and rhubarb narcotic crop growers are enjoying bumper harvests in US-controlled areas of the country? – Shhhhh – don’t say a word!

Such is the pathetic state of the news since ‘parties of self-interest’ monopoly control of media was sanctioned by government regulators and not a single scintilla of objective opinion involving any semblance of truth permitted to see the light of day since.

The next great corruption came with the advent of Rubenesque boobs being published on Page Three of national dailies globally – even in the Vatican Herald and the Amish Gazette.

However, back to the headlines that perennially beguile the masses:

While Mia Farrow’s name is only significant in Satanist circles for having a baby named Rosemary, her brother Patrick, a reformed mayonaisse addict, was apparently quite well known for his art decor razor wire fences and Dali-esque hanging baskets which he exhibited free of charge on Facebook.

Funeral to be held at the Church of Latter Day Flying Spaghetti Monster in Aardvark County, Vermont. Family and close friends only – no flowers.
The Rumour Mill Press reports that Woody Allen will read the eulogy.

One item of sea change news just in : London Mayor Boris Bonkers Nonsense is facing mass protests over his plans to rip up the inner city’s curb stones in a ‘naked roads’ / ‘shared surface’ scheme that will provide car drivers with greater space and opportunity to run down dozy pedestrians and squash them against the walls of buildings.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Obama’s ‘Czars’ : a Zionist Shadow Government

Another Zionist Jew is President Barky O’Barmy’s latest ‘Czar’ appointment as America falls further under the total domination of one of the world’s tiniest – yet wealthiest and most influential minority groups - Yids.com.

Washington Zionist Jewish attorney, Ken Crapberg, will now have the power to actually determine compensation of the senior executives of seven firms that have received US taxpayer bailouts.

Executives at companies such as the American International Extortion Group (AIEG), Banksters of America and General Malfunction, will be marked for special oversight by Crapberg who will be operating inside the White House with complete autonomy to pillage the public purse as his greedy fingers so wish.

This latest move by the puppet teleprompter President reflects his masters’ agenda that companies cannot decide for themselves on matters of pay but will now have a corrupt self-interest Zionist kike deciding compensation arrangements.

This, of course, comes on the heels of O’Barmy hypocritically reversing in toto his declared policy on the call for salary caps for elite banksters and other scumbag key executives.

O’Barmy’s ‘Czardom’ brings the US another dangerous and precarious step closer to a blatant Soviet-oriented socialist Zionist government in what is supposed to be, and what was, an American republic – with a Constitution and a Bill of Rights that used to work until the New World Order career criminals of the Bush administration emasculated them.

With O’Barmy’s latest appointment, Zionist-Shylock power in America’s legal and economic infrastructure expands and intensifies to staggering fresh levels of corrupt manipulation.

America’s bailout scam payoffs to wealthy, top Zionist Jewish banksters last year - as ordered by an usurious Fed and venal Wall Street - showed the world how far the US has been contaminated and enfeebled by the pestilent parasites spawned by global Zionism.

Crapberg becomes the newest member of what can quite arguably be called O’Barmy’s Zionist shadow government.
Keep clearly in mind that these ‘czars’ - appointed by O’Barmy without Congressional approval - not only oversee Congressional-approved cabinet members, but act as independent national policy makers – with their real masters in Tel Aviv following egocentric Rothschild hawk orders.

O’Barmy’s kike czars are a slick way of governing without having to answer to Congress. However the rapid and easy accumulation of power by White House czars threatens the established constitutional Montesquieu system of checks and balances.

Oversight of federal agencies is the responsibility of officials approved by the Senate, not appointees of the White House who operate - with complete autonomy – to the detriment of the many and the benefit of the few – specifically themselves.

Mischievous press hacks have circulated a rumour that foreskins are now banned from the White House and its phone directory devoid of all goyim WASP names – now replaced with a collection of simoniacal and nepotistic corrupt Ashkenazi Zionist Yid scumbags such as Greedberg, Shitstein, Rattman, Graftenheim, Steinberg and Bergstein (no relation) – plus a whole caboodle of nasty inbred mutant Frankensteins.

Prince Harry may be Stripped of Title

British Royal Cuckoo Prince Harry is still the toast of the Big Apple this week.
Throngs of unemployed peasants have lined the streets of Manhattan to greet Britain’s popular pisshead prince with open arms – and in the ladies’ case – also open legs.

Little do they realize that ginger minger Harry could soon be stripped of his royal title because it’s quickly becoming widespread public knowledge he’s not the biological son of bat-eared weirdo Prince Charles, an investigation undertaken by the Daily Shitraker has revealed.

A longtime employee of Harry’s mother Princess Diana, who wishes to remain anonymous (Candida Twatrot) claims that the Royal Family was involved in a massive coverup to hide the fact that Diana’s ex lover James ‘SuperCad’ Hewitt is Harry’s real ranga-haired father.

According to the source, genocidal maniac and fascist serial killer Prince Philip threatened Hewitt’s life if he didn’t go along with the coverup.
“Phil the Greek told Hewitt he would personally see him chopped up for corgi snacks if the truth ever leaked out.”

Candida, who is currently collaborating on yet another ‘Diana’ book - with ex-butler Paul Buttprodder - for Rumour Mill Publishing’s ‘Scandal Press’ editions, further revealed “It’s impossible that Charles is Harry’s real father. Hewitt was on the scene as Diana’s lover two years before Harry was born.”
“Diana stopped having sex with her bat-eared clot of a husband years before she got preggers with Harry. Just take a look at the little ranga twat and then Hewitt – both ginger mingas with pointy faces like a pair of sneaky shithouse rats.”

The massive coverup involved Hewitt lying to every bugger and their dog about when his dalliance with Diana actually began. Originally he told the press he met Diana in 1986 – and Harry was born in 1984.

Under hypnosis for a television interview Hewitt admitted he met Diana in 1981 and gave her a regular bonking for years before – and after - Harry was born – as Di’ was horny as all hell and Charlie was off rolling about in the compost – naked and al fresco fashion - with pseudo-aristocratic renta-slag Dragonella Parker-Bowles.

A relative of James Hewitt confided to the Daily Shitraker that Diana told Hewitt he was Harry’s dad but has denied it due Phil the Greek’s threats on his life.
“Bloody hell, Harry should call James his real father,” the relative continued.
“Fer Christ’s sake, yer don’t need any of that hi-tech DNA testing – it’s effin’ obvious that old bat-ears Charlie’s his Dad.”

If Harry is stripped of his Royal ‘Prince’ title he will then be eligible to sign on as unemployed at the local job centre and apply for Jobseekers Allowance – and then see if he can afford to continue his West End night club carousing until the early hours on £60 per week.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Card Fraud Probe Targets 300 Plods

More than 300 of the UK’s elite Scotland Yard ‘Plod Squad’ are suspected of defrauding the taxpayer of billions of pounds by abusing their corporate credit cards – presenting an even worse case of felonious excess than the MP’s expense scandal - according to a report seen by the Daily Shitraker.

Auditors from the independent Scumbag Creative Accounting who have examined the American Excess expenses of 3,500 officers involved in fostering false flag terrorism and organising high profile crimes have reported one in three detectives to the Metropolitan Police's internal investigators.

One senior officer, Superintendent Arthur Corruptioni, appears to have spent £14,000,000 on his Amex card in one year, without authorisation, due going undercover and adopting the guise of an eccentric millionaire.
Items bought without permission include a palace, an Aston Martin coupe, gold lame suits, women's fetish lingerie, an ocean-going yacht and a Betty Boobs personal blow up love mate – the one with real hair and vibrating vagina.

The scale of the suspected fraud, disclosed in an internal Metropolitan Police Authority report, will send shock waves through the force equal to a Level Eight earthquake on the Richter scale.

Until now the investigation into expenses fraud was thought to have focused on fewer than 40 officers – all of whom conveniently died of Manky Mallard duck flu recently.

The report’s release comes days after Met Commissioner Sir Paul Slimeson heard the potentially damaging disclosure that six officers face investigation over claims a drug suspect's head was forced into a lavatory then flushed while they got high on his shipment of premium grade Burmese rhubarb then gave him a jolly good rogering up the back passage.

Metropolitan Police Authority members last night expressed their dismay at the scandal.
London Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense, told Pox News "It beggars belief that our police, who are supposed to be solving crime, are suspected of committing fraud on a grand scale worse than Ponzi scam artist Bernie Jackoff."

Auditors at the Metropolitan Police Authority have spent two years examining receipts from the accounts of more than 3,500 officers. The Amex cards were issued in 2006 to detectives from ‘special operations’ who had been trained to say “Ello, ello, ello – what ‘ave we ‘ere then, eh?” in several languages – including Arabic and Pashtu.

The scheme was then extended to the specialist crime directorate, which was originally formed to counter organised crime and not commit it, as well as conduct sensitive inquiries such as the ongoing “Who’s really Prince Harry’s Dad?” investigation.

The cards were issued for travel and subsistence, so that officers did not have to plead poverty and resort to begging – or muggings - while on long-running investigations away from their Scotland Yard base.

Sources have told the Daily Shitraker that some detectives had fallen into the habit of withdrawing hundreds of pounds at a time from ATM cashpoints then going to a casino for the afternoon. Other officers appear to have filled in blank receipts from Rub n Tug massage parlours to account for millions in cash payments.

One resentful source who missed out on the illicit cornucopia said: "Some of the top plods bought three-piece Harris tweed suits while in the Far East and claimed that they needed them for work. However it doesn’t take much nous to realise that it was 45 degrees in the shade, and not exactly the weather for a waistcoat."

The number of suspected fraudsters will be presented to the Independent Police Coverups Commission at a meeting tomorrow if auditors have enough fingers to reach a total.

Only detectives suspected of overcharging by more than £100,000 have been referred to the DPS. Its investigators are believed to be examining hundreds more files stacked up neatly, right next to the shredder.

Last month, three officers were arrested for allegedly making "inflated" expenses claims while investigating Mossad’s false flag 7th July 2005 London Tube bombings.

They were suspected of misusing corporate credit cards while they were based in Leeds examining the backgrounds (planting incriminating evidence) of the Pakistani pastsies.

Jihad Loonies Possess Weapons of Mass Distraction

An Irish sleeper cell of militant Islamic radicals switched to full terrorist mode yesterday with the detonation of a new type of hi-tech explosive device in a busy Dublin city centre shopping mall.

The ‘Fenian Jolly Jihad’ group is believed to have direct contacts with both the Real IRA and the False IRA, and further rumoured to receive direct technical aid and military ordnance supplies from Argos and B & Q outlets in Pakistan's Swat Valley.

Forensic experts from Ireland’s anti-terrorist squad have determined the explosives deployed in yesterday’s bombing were of a unique and distinct manufacture, and produced at Taliban Dan’s main base inside Afghanistan, then shipped into the country via Fed-Hex’s ‘Smiley Face’ parcel post service.

In a fiendish shift from the traditional terrorist makeshift anti-personnel favourite – the nail bomb - which was easily discovered by metal detectors – Jolly Jihad have developed a highly-brisant synthetic explosive by blending a lethal cocktail of industrial strength Evo-Stick adhesive with Rapid Araldite epoxy resin and silly putty Semtex.

In-house CCTV coverage recorded the previous night revealed the terrorist cell gained access to Dublin’s hectic city centre Paddy Mall through a basement cargo entrance after the night shift security guard - Sheamus McDuff - had eaten supper then sneaked off for his usual postprandial ‘Irish power nap’ - and went to asleep for three hours.

The explosive device was hidden under the Paddy Mall’s central atrium fountain and scheduled to detonate during lunchtime – at 12:30 pm precisely – when the mall was at it’s busiest.

CCTV footage taken only seconds before the explosion shows throngs of shoppers passing the fountain area. When the bomb’s reverberations dissipated and the smoke cleared, hundreds of innocent shoppers were discovered stuck to the mall walls, store front windows, ceilings, roofing beams and the mall floor itself.

Responding emergency service crews and the fire brigade began the task of rescuing shoppers from where the blast had thrown them – carefully levering them free with crowbars from whatever portion of the building they had become glued to.

Anti-terrorist squad chief Mick McTwat told reporters “The problem is once yer get the buggers loose an’ set them down then they get stuck to something else. I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is a new type of weapon we’re dealing with – the first ‘No-Nails‘ bomb.”

Police have set up watch at the major sea and air ports but believe the suspects may have gone to ground to plan their next sticky atrocity which technical officers fear may be evolved and upgraded to contain nuclear superglue as the primary ingredient.

Evidence linking the bomb explosion to the Fenian Jolly Jihad group was discovered in the basement cargo handling area where the terrorists had left a wheelbarrow containing a ‘Thick Mick’ low-viz donkey jacket, a copy of Bombs for Dummies, a wheelbarrow operator’s manual and copies of the Koran in both Arabic and Gaelic.

Several Chew n Spew fast food cartons lying around the wheelbarrow contained the remains of the terrorist’s dinners - an Irish mixed grill comprised of mashed potatoes, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, jacket potatoes and chips.

Heading the list of suspected terrorist felons is County Down-born Osama bin Murphy, who as a radical Muslim student at Dublin University in 1997, declared he would one day be Public Enemy No 1.
However police records reveal that to date he had only achieved the dizzying heights of being named Public Nuisance No 7.

Murphy was last heard of in Lebanon where he was reported to be training as a Semtex vest suicide bomber for Hezbollah but handed in his notice and quit after realising it wasn’t precisely the long-term terrorist career he had envisioned.

Other wanted members of the Fenian Jolly Jihad brigade include Achmed Kelly, Mohammed Riley, Abdul O’Sullivan, Faarooq Connolly and their hellcat moll - Bridgette O’Burqah.

While no fatalities were recorded from the bomb’s explosion, scores of cases of involuntary bowel movements were reported.

Monday, 15 June 2009

London Bus Tour Bores Passenger to Death

A Polish tourist who purchased a ‘Live Tours London’ bus ticket was driven around the city thirty-four times after staff failed to spot he had died en route, an inquest heard in evidence.

Pawel Snuffsky, 85, died during his trip on the tour bus, but stayed in the garage overnight and was still in his seat when the bus went out the following day.

Early morning tourists boarded the double decker bus, unaware Mr Snuffsky was in fact deceased.
He was on the bus for at least six hours the following day before another passenger raised the alarm, the city’s Smegmadale Hamlets Coroner's Court heard.

A certain Kostas Fuctifino, an Albanian pikey visiting friends and relatives in Belmarsh Immigration Prison, sat next to Mr. Snuffsky and tried to strike up a conversation while attempting to pick his pockets - but when he received no reply thought his co-passenger was asleep.

However when the bus braked sharply to avoid running over Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense on his mountain bike, Mr. Snuffsky slumped forwards.
When Mr Fuctifino tried to sit him upright again he noticed he was stone cold, with rigour mortis setting in, and realised he might possibly be suffering from a common human condition referred to by doctors as ‘death’.

Disciplinary action is now being taken against the shit-for-brains staff of the Live Tours London Bus Company.

The driver of the concerned Live Tours London bus, Arthur Knobhead, had noticed Mr Snuffsky on the top deck but 'forgot' about him when he could not wake him up, the inquest was told.
Apparently Snuffsky got on the tour bus at 2:00 pm the previous afternoon, with the buses's CCTV footage showing him slumping forward in his seat an hour later.

However none of the other passengers spotted he had croaked and he was found by the driver at 1.30am the following morning who thought he had crashed out after a skinful of Headbanger or Old Wifebeater lager, as he had a bag of empty cans beside him, so he then said ‘fuck it’ and went home for the night.

Morton Scrunt, accident prevention manager for the Live Tours London Bus Company, told the inquest hearing the driver thought Mr Snuffsky was asleep and tried to rouse him at the company’s Mortuary Cross bus garage but gave up after noticing the empty lager cans and surmising Snuffsky was pissed out of his head.

Coroner Dr Harry Shipman declared a post mortem had determined the cause of death was an overdose cocktail of drink, drugs and fast food Chew and Spew salmonella burgers.

Apparently Snuffsky was a registered rhubarb addict in his home town of Blitzed, near Cracow, and it is thought he had bought a sub-standard grade or adulterated fix of the narcotic green rhubarb powder from a dodgy dealer in London, then suffered heart failure after snorting a couple of tracks while on the tour bus.

Live Tours London Bus Company spokeswoman Fellatia van der Gobble spit the proverbial dummy at a press conference following the inquest - bollocking journalists for reporting in the tabloid gutter press that Mr Snuffsky had died of boredom during his third circuit of the city tour.

Sunday, 14 June 2009

MI5 Recruits Teachers as Snitches

Military Intelligence Five (an obvious contradiction in itself), the UK’s domestic security agency, has commenced a recruitment drive in its expanding war against nasty fanatical Islamic terrorists, by stating that the preferred applicants are school teachers due their inherent people-handling skills make them ideal candidates for the role of sneaky spies.

An advert placed in the Spooks n Stoolies Gazette trade paper urges school staff to apply because they can "build trust and relationships with all sorts of individuals".

The post - for an operational intelligence officer - carries a salary of £35,425 plus benefits (free body bag and burial) broadly similar to that of an experienced secondary school teacher.

Teachers who successfully pass the recruitment process will find themselves taken out of the classroom and into the heart of intelligence gathering and propaganda conjuring – with training in goat bonking and how to live off a handful of sand a week.

According to the job description, they will be responsible for building contacts with people who can provide information of relevance to national security – such as Mossad double agents who might provide details on where Israel’s rogue intelligence service is going to pull its next false flag terror attack and which Tube trains they intend blowing up.

The advert in the Spooks n Stoolies Gazette, states: "Your experience of dealing with people means you can build trust and relationships with all sorts of dodgy creeps, which makes you the ideal candidate for developing a career based entirely on deception, treachery and betrayal."

“Your acquired and trained ability to spot a cunt from a mile off, spy the nigger in the woodpile, tell the difference between shit and shinola, and pick out potential Muslim crazies in a crowd of chavs, yobs and hoodies will be your key to operational success.”

According to MI5's website, the agency aims to frustrate terrorism, prevent foreign espionage and pre-empt the use of weapons of mass distraction.

Home Office spokeswoman Mata Hairy told the terrorism correspondent for the Jolly Jihad Weekly : "There are a wide range of career opportunities available with MI5 for para-military teacher types who wish to become glorified informers in our Grassers Unit, and don’t mind being suspected of perfidy by every fucker and their dog – and will probably end up being found snuffed in a wheelie bin with their fingernails pulled out.”

Current head of MI5, Sir Waldorf Fuctifino - a one-time Cold War spy who was personally parachuted into Soviet-era Bulgaria disguised as a doormat, spent months stabbing CSS agents with a ricin-tipped umbrella before being reassigned to the agency’s Cormorant Stranglers unit – and was himself a former teacher at St. Sodom’s College for Latter Day Pederasts before being recruited into the exalted ranks of the nation’s espionage agents.

So if you fancy a timely career change and the chance to spy on, and grass up, all kinds of greasy unwashed infidel heathen wogs, then fill in our online application form below without delay.

But just remember you can never tell anyone – even your Mum or faggy boyfriend - about your new career as an MI5 stoolie – and if you spill the beans by accident then you’ll have to kill them straight after.