Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Egypt to Ban Pseudo Hymens

A leading Egyptian Islamic scholar has demanded (based on his own barbaric vigilante authority) that people caught importing a female virginity-faking device into the basket case country should be arrested by the Mutaween religious police, summarily tried under Sharia law and face the death penalty if convicted.

Mustafa Jaffacake told a reporter from the Maidenhead Gazette that supplying the item was akin to spreading vice in polite Egyptian society - a crime punishable by death – or even worse - under Islam’s Stone Age Sharia laws.

And what a strange brand of law that is – while targeting subservient women for their pre-marital indiscretions – or transitory moments of erotic pleasure – averts its reproving gaze from falling upon the blatant instances of rampant zoophilia and homosexuality among its menfolk.

The hymen-simulating device, which apparently slides inside a woman’s worn-out vagina, is said to grip tighter than a Shylock’s wallet once moist with pussy juices and releases a red liquid imitating blood when the groom’s erect member barges it’s way inside her – thus allowing a female to feign virginity on her wedding night – even if she has previously worked as a two-bit hooker around Sharm el Sheikh and had enough lengths of cock up her snatch to put a handrail around Cairo - twice.

Apparently the affront caused by the use of such a device is rooted (sic – no pun intended) in the stigma concerning pre-marital sex (for women) in all the 14th Century chauvinist Arabic and Pan- Islamic societies – where they are classed as mere sexual chattels and often subjected to the brutish practices of clitoridectomy and infibulation to enforce their ‘virginal purity and fidelity’.

Conversely the counterfeit ‘virginity intact’ contraption is seen by Westernised Asian and Oriental women living beyond the manic clutches of fanatical Dark Ages Islamic religious zealots as a cheap and simple alternative to hymen repair surgery - revirgination or hymenoplasty - which is carried out in secret – or advertised openly – by a multitude of backstreet cosmetic clinics throughout the Middle and Far Eastern countries.

Professor Jaffacakes, one of Egypt’s leading academic eunuchs and an Islamic lecturer at Alexandria’s prestigious Nasser al-Fuckwit University, told Pox News the device undermined the moral deterrent of fornication.

Apparently the bonkers prig of a Professor took exception at the import and use of the pseudo-vestal pussy devices after a group of his students drew his attentions to a female personals website and specifically an article posted by an Egyptian chick named Kelana in December last year - just prior to her marriage to a Luxor camel farmer - on how she could fake her virginity being intact.

http://www.steadyhealth.com/can_i_use_artificial_hymen_on_my_wedding_night__t160937.html

Kelana’s sans-hymen predicament arose from a tight (sic) budget while studying at Giza’s Last Oasis College and her father went bankrupt after investing in a dodgy pyramid scheme.

She then self-financed her studies up to post-graduate level by bonking Western tourists around Aguza’s Corniche el-Nil nightspots until after having more pricks than a dartboard her snatch ended up with the elasticity of a stale donut and she posted enquiries about obtaining and using a surrogate hymen on the Steady Health website.

Prof. Mustafa Jaffacake’s students backtracked the website blogs and url links to come up with ‘artificial virginity hymen replacements’ being manufactured and marketed by the Japanese Gigimodo adult sex toys company of Tokyo – which has now been blasted with abusive and threatening e-mails from not only an irate Jaffacake personally but also such radical militant groups as the Islamic Brotherhood - to the Taliban - to the Jolly Jihadi suicide bomb vest nutters brigade themselves.

http://www.gigimo.com/main/product/Artificial,Virginity,Hymen,2299.php?prod=2299

Indian Space Probe Finds Water on Moon

A surprising amount of water has been found to exist on the Moon's surface, especially so in the craters which have been discovered to contain muddy puddles just waiting to be drained and the liquid purified for drinking.

Data from India's Vindaloo 1 space probe - which recently landed on the Moon for urgent repairs while on its way to Mars - shows the entire lunar surface holds molecules of aqua vitae in abundance which could be squeezed out to provide ample supplies of drinking water and also become the medium for irrigation projects once lunar farming takes off under Monsanto’s planned ‘Moonseed’ project.

The two on-board Currynauts - after bodging repairs to their spacecraft’s garam masala hot fusion tandoori nuclear drive engine and fixing the windscreen wipers – radioed the surprise discovery back to their base at India’s Cape Chapatti space centre yesterday.

The quantity of water is believed to increase closer to the Lunar poles - the very places the Apollo missions never bothered going after Neil Armstrong stepped in a puddle in the Sea of Tranquillity and got his socks wet.

Cape Chapatti mission chief Dr. Ramjam Jaffacake told Fux News “Well, there’s bound to be water of some kind there otherwise why did those regions of the Moon get named ‘Seas’.”
“Our Currynauts have found large lakes of frozen water at the Moon’s northern polar region so the next time we send a manned space probe we’ll be equipping the boys with ice skates, pucks and hockey sticks.”

Based on the Vindaloo 1 Currynaut’s findings it is now believed the NASA space agency probe that impacted the Cabeus A crater near the Moon's equator last March and disappeared without a trace hasn’t actually become another X-File but more likely had really ’splashed down’ and sunk into the depths of the crater’s lake.

On the subject of X-Files Cape Chapatti today lost communications with the Vindaloo 1 Currynauts after they reportedly went ‘fishing’ in a nearby crater, with the final distorted radio message from mission leader Ratwat Bumsore stating “Hey, we’ve just hooked a real big one here” - followed by a series of horrendous screams and lots of splashing.

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Libyan Nutter Enthralls UN Assembly

It was meant to be a day of global reconciliation, when the new Kenyan Messiah of the Free World (sic) would miraculously wipe clean the slate of the past eight years of Neo-Colonial Imperialist US hatred and herald an era of unity and brotherly love under the New World Order’s military-industrial Zionist jackboot.

This might well have been so were it not for a short man, swathed in bedsheets and a funny little felt hat waving his arms around and shouting “Where’s me effin’ tent – which of you twats nicked it?” – bursting onto the UN’s centre stage - which brought the entire proceedings to a Marx Brothers style impasse.

So the best laid plans of counterfeit Hawaiian demigods and other Rothslime shadow government stooges and traitors went totally tits up when the element of diabolical chance stumbled into the thick of the planned political posturing ceremony of egocentric self-promotion and aggrandizment – and turned the entire sordid affair into a Keystone Cops comic extravaganza.

Colonel Muammar al Maddafi - for it was most certainly he - grabbed his Andy Warhol-guaranteed 15 minutes of fame at the UN building in New York yesterday and ran with it until the soles and heels of his Wal-Mart sandals overheated and fell apart.

In fact the numpty Colonel ran with it so hard he stretched it to an hour and forty minutes - six times longer than his allotted slot, to the dismay of UN delegates and guests alike – legions of whom fell into comas while others headed for the toilets to vomit.

On this - his first visit to the US - and in his maiden address to the United Nations General Assembly - Maddafi fully lived up to his reputation for eccentricity, bloody-mindedness and verbal diarrhoea – providing a quality performance of stand-up comedy to rival – if not surpass – some of the best Las Vegas casino and nightclub acts combining political satire and wit with risible slapstick.

The capricious Colonel started off his farcical performance by tearing up a copy of the UN charter in front of startled delegates – then hit the Truth Button dead centre when he accused the security council of being a terrorist body – and next called for Dubya Bush and Tony Bliar to be put on trial for kick-starting the illegal Afghan and Iraq wars.

The entire assembly erupted with a stentorian conflicting mix of derisive laughter from Western representatives and clamorous applause from Third World delegates when Maddafi demanded $7.7 trillion in compensation for the centuries-long ravages of colonialism on Africa - and declared that the Sneezy Pig swine flu pandemic was a biological weapon created in a Zionist military laboratory to snuff Arab types and Muslims in general – all without pausing for breath.

Following a quick swig of rancid camel’s milk from a goatskin bota hanging from the podium, Maddafi turned once again on the terrified audience and - pointing an accusatory finger at the Israeli Ambassador - demanded to know which Rothshite stooge sanctioned Mossad and the Corsicans to snuff JFK in Dealey Plaza when he threatened to shut down the rogue state’s nuclear weapon development programme in 1963 – and then sealed the death pact by issuing presidential decree EO 11110 and ordered the Treasury to start printing their own United States Notes to replace the Zionist banker cabal’s Federal Reserve Note dollars – and put the Fed’ out of business.

All of the above – everyday rhetoric for the self- proclaimed North African King of Kings - long a sponsor of terrorism against the infidel West – who seized the Libyan leadership slot in a 1969 military coup d’etat and abolished the corrupt monarchy in favour of an even more corrupt revolutionary council – headed by himself - as Great Leader for Life – and by default – the Mahdi of the Islamic world.

Hence little wonder so august a personage was enraged with his reception as a Head of State guest of the US and New York who – on arrival – was rudely informed he couldn’t erect his customary tent in Central Park.
Hmmm, now there’s gratitude for supplying all that low-sulphur crude oil to the infidel West.

Starkers Krauts Hit the Hiking Trail

Germany has a history of being traditionally tolerant of nudity – especially so having been caught with their collective pants down in two World Wars across the past century - but a plan to give naked ramblers their own wilderness path is still some way from being granted a passport to social acceptance.

A Deutsche nudist campsite manager, Heinz Fiftyseven, aims to establish Germany's first official naked ramblers' footpath - an 18 kilometre route through the Bareaarze Mountains.

"But some people are against - it is not directly supported by the community – especially so the old spinster types and the mothers of those adolescent Heidi-style Aryan blonde pig-tailed goatherds," the 96-year old Heinz told a reporter from the Flashers Gazette.

However he claims fans of Freikuurperkultur - Free Body Culture, or FUKK for short - have expressed support for the scheme as it would attract naturist tourists to the economically-depressed Wankka and Dorkmunster areas, in the central German mountain range.
Plus, Herr Fiftyseven is quick to point out, half-clothed or fully-clothed walkers would be free to use the path also.

"It's a secluded area, away from traffic," Heinz maintained. "In the old former communist East Germany GDR people used to come here for group dogging sessions and enjoy masochistic weekend getaways."

Heinz informed the Yodeller's Gazette that several groups of die-hard naturists had already tested the trail prior to its planned official opening next May – which had revealed some areas that were being classified as ‘uncomfortable’ to ‘downright dangerous’ – with these ranging from infestations of March flies, wasps nests, nettles, poison ivy and thistles - to overgrown barbed wire fences that could well prove to be potential scrotum rippers.

Germany’s nudist walkers freely advertise the dates of their planned naked walks on the internet to warn prude ramblers of their presence on the trails - but if espied then clothed hiker’s reactions are usually more at surprise than anger – and often elicit outbursts of laughter when some middle-aged Hausfrau might remark at being confronted with a nude rambler’s exposed swinging tackle “Mein Gott – it looks like a penis – only smaller!”

Monday, 28 September 2009

Frivolous Academic ‘Cheese Butty’ Research Hit

The New Labour government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come under attack from the Tories – yet again - for commissioning academic research into such insane project studies as how to make the perfect cheese toastie sandwich – and - is sword-swallowing actually dangerous? – does torture really hurt to the point of an ‘Ouch’ factor? – or could a clan of meerkats write a Shakespeare play? - and whether a cartload of monkeys would be able – given sufficient time and money - to build an atomic weapon.

To wit: if you let a troop of monkeys loose in an Aldermaston nuclear laboratory will they eventually come up with a 20 megaton neutron bomb?

Doubtful, as they’ll probably try to eat the fissionable materials then all suffer from radiation poisoning as their hair falls off in clumps and they haemorrhage from every bodily orifice and finally bleed out.

The nuke-building exercise in question was jointly commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money with the Israeli and US governments - in concert with Oxford University anoraks and boffins - to test the feasibility that if a troop of chimps could build an atomic bomb then so could the Iranians.

However it apparently took researchers three months and £2,000,000 to find this out – plus having to apologise profusely to Regent Park Zoo’s Primate Department for returning a van load of borrowed chimps in a snuffed state – all tucked up nicely in lead-lined body bags - and glowing in the dark.

Now the Lib-Dem and Tory political opposition parties are demanding changes in how public money is awarded for idiotic university research, and academics will henceforth have to show their research results will be of use to anyone – or their dog.

"Some trivial findings often come out of long-term work on much more serious stuff," claims Fellattia Sodomberg, of the University College Union. “Just look at the quantum breakthrough made by Professor Julius Camembert and his students at Cambridge this summer - the formula for the perfect toasted cheese sandwich – sought after since the time of the Pharaohs – and before."

Now known as the Camembert Formula – and nominated for the Nobel Prize for Snackies – it involves a mathematical equation based on the thicknesses and types of cheese and bread being used – plus toaster timings gauged down to nano-seconds of infra-red heat applied on the ultimate Acklroyde Dynamic heat scale.

The six month research project was jointly funded by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money and the prestigious British Cheese Council, and carried out by Professor Camembert and his team at Cambridge University’s College of Numpty Dumpty Studies - a fitting sequel to his previous research into the perfect way to dunk a biscuit.

Further down the path of ‘asinine’ research surveys, in July this year, as part of a Department of Education ‘Literary Leap Forward’ experiment - several laptop computers were placed in the meerkat enclosure at Smegmadale Zoo to monitor the lexicological output of the resident Herpestidaes.

The aim was to test the "infinite primate theory", which states that if a curious meerkat hits buttons at random on a pc keyboard for an infinite amount of time, it will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of Shakespeare.

However the theory was slightly flawed in practice as after a month the meerkats had totally destroyed four of the machines, used them as a crapper, and mostly typed the words ‘fuck’ and ‘off’.

Conversely one dominant male had repeatedly rounded on other members of the clan if they came near his laptop, and while definitely not tapping out ‘Hamlet : Part Deux’ – or ‘Lady Macbeth Returns’ – did in fact manage a legible volume titled ‘Harry Potter gets a Parking Ticket’ and composed a startling white paper on how to solve the current financial crisis and heave Britain’s bogged-down arse out of the recession – which is currently being studied and adopted by the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Reuters stop press: A mystery nuclear explosion at the UK’s Aldermaston Atomic Weapons Research Establishment last night - which has devastated Berkshire and a fifty mile radius of surrounding counties - including the western portion of the Greater London area - has now been blamed on a suicide hit squad of Jolly Jihadi terrorists who had gained access to the facility’s weapons lab disguised as chimpanzees being used in a research project - who left a one month time-delay detonator coupled to a thermonuclear bomb they'd assembled from discarded tat and bits of scrap dumped in the lab’s recycling bin.

US Paranoid over Iran’s Nuke Programme

Iran concealed a fully operational second uranium enrichment plant in defiance of Israeli-led calls for transparency over its nuclear plans, according to the perjurious Zionist stooge President Barky O’Barmy.

A group of sycophantic spokesmen for the US, UK and France told a reporter from the Cry Wolf Gazette that the UN and the IAEA had to be given immediate access to inspect Iran’s nuclear facilities and urged tough new sanctions to force the Ahmadashell administration to comply - while Russia and China publicly claimed they didn’t give a flying fuck and enjoyed watching Israel and their Western schlemiels squirm over what Iran did and or did not actually possess in the way of military weapons grade nuclear materials.

Conversely Iranian President Mousemuck Ahmadashell denied that the facility was in breach of IAEA rules.
Iran informed the UN about the second enrichment plant on Monday, stating it was not yet fully operational and was part of the country’s domestic nuclear energy programme and nothing to do with the clandestine weapons projects that the paranoid warmongering Israelis keep harping on about to anyone daft enough to listen.

While Tehran has previously acknowledged it has one enrichment plant in the Numbnuts Mountains, their decision to build a secret facility represented a "direct challenge to the basic compact" of the global non-proliferation regime, US President Barky O’Barmy declared - making a statement in Pittsburgh, where the evil Rothschild puppeteers are manipulating his strings to perform and voice their mandates before a G20 summit.

Speaking alongside fellow Rothslime muppets - UK Prime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Broon and French President Nicolas Teakozy – the counterfeit Hawaiian O’Barmy told the assembly it was time for Iran to begin meeting its international commitments and doing what the New World Order chiefs demanded.

Iranian officials were quick to deny the latest plant was any kind of clandestine project.
"This installation is not a secret one, which is why we announced its existence to the International Atomic Energy Agency," Ali Akbar Jaffacake, head of Iran's nuclear agency, told the Nuclear Proliferation Gazette – further stating Iran did not need to inform the IAEA of any new site until 180 days before nuclear materials were placed in the facility – those being the IAEA’s own gospel rules.

Construction on the facility - believed by the US to be large enough to contain 3,000 centrifuges – adequate to process weapons grade uranium for several nasty nukes - started in earnest in mid-2006, according to the I-Spy Review.

When President Ahmadashell questioned the fact nobody seemed to be complaining about the outlaw terrorist state of Israel stockpiling nuclear weapons O’Barmy told the UN Assembly that Israel didn’t have any such devices – but even if they did it was okay with Uncle Sam as they’re Jehovah’s Chosen people – and God’s on their side.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Prince Chazzer: Environmental Saviour

His Royal Highness Charles - the bat-eared Prince of Snails - is urging the common landless peasants of Merrie England to give up their cars in favour of walking or public transport to try to reduce carbon emissions and save large sections of the planet that he and his Mum own personally.

The Mutant Prince, who has two Jaguars, two Audis, a Range Rover, a couple of quad bikes for himself and Gruntzilla- the Royal Slut - and still drives an Aston Martin given to him by the Queen on his 10th birthday - told a reporter from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette that he and his family had a Divine Right to own as many cars as they liked and it was the duty of the common herd of sheeple to commit to personal sacrifices so the Royal Prerogative of Privilege above all else might be maintained.

Speaking later in an interview with Desmond Scrunt on the Fux News channel’s ‘Spoiled Brat’s’ programme the numpty wing nut-eared Prince claimed the principle of “elevating the pedestrian above the car” was one of the guiding factors of Poncebury – his model feudal development in Dorset that is styled on Stone Age habitats and promotes a cave-dwelling existence as being eco-friendly and sustainable a la the Messianic Al Gore’s core philosophy in his Climate Change Propaganda Bible.

“It’s not just the cars and such”, Chazzer pontificated, “The peasants need to be turning off their central heating systems and lights at night and growing their own vegetables – and washing their socks by hand.”

The Prince, in a foreword to his Maintaining the Monarchy report, also highlighted how green building materials could help tackle the problem of climate change. “What we need is to grow more bamboo here really but the damn British weather isn’t quite up to the task.”

“However we’re doing quite well with James May’s Lego houses – and my Duchy Originals has come up with a spiffing scheme to build family-sized sheds out of straw bales and use sheep’s wool for insulation – then coat the whole lot in horse poo.”

“Plus I’m pushing that silly Scotsman Broon to have his Ministry of Housing do a full census and ordnance survey of all the inland and coastal caves around Britain to accommodate the homeless peasants when their gaffs get foreclosed by the banks and building societies.”

“So you see, old Chazzer’s not just a pretty face – we do come up with some brilliant ideas at times. Hoof the cars off to the scrapyard – or recycling thingie – whatever – then every one can ride around on donkeys and horses and what have you. That’ll help out on the EU’s new cap and trade carbon exchange taxes gnawing away at the old unemployed welfare benefit giro, won’t it eh. – and the poxy Arabs can shove their oil.”

Prince Charles, long known for his bizarre custom of chatting with plants, and a personal problem of struggling with actual everyday reality, seems further afflicted with short-term memory loss when it comes to environmental polluters and the prune-faced Mark 2 model Mrs. Windsor – Gruntzilla – whose foul habit of chain-smoking Scambert and Stuttlers full strength Navy Cut ciggies puts out more smoke and smog per day than a Chinese steel foundry blast furnace.

Nontheless, until the Man who might be King sells the Royal Yacht and a few of his castles, starts driving one of the ubiquitous little green hybrid 4-wheel deathtraps, sells the royal jets and takes commerical flights, and moves into a 3 bedroom suburban eco-friendly wigwam, the common peasantry shall doubtlessly continue to ignore his self-serving holier-than-thou hypocritical nonsense.

GOP Leader tells Cancer Victim: Beg for Charity

US House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-Va.) wins the award for Scumbag Politician of the Week – a widely contested prize around Congress these past few years - with both Democrats and Republics running neck and neck in the qualifying heats.

However Cantor took first place in the contest with ease when he told a Richmond woman – one of his own GOP-voting constituents suffering with stomach cancer - she should be out on the streets begging for money to pay for her treatment if she didn’t have medical insurance.

So here for us all to survey and learn by is the Cantor Plan for unemployed zero income Americans who may have lost their health insurance after being laid off by a company whose CEO is still making a million dollars per annum thanks to taxpayer-funded government bailouts.

First she should sell all of her lifetime possessions to pay her ridiculously-inflated medical costs - with the side benefit that this would make her a poverty-stricken and homeless derelict - and thus she would therefore qualify for health programs for the poor that the majority of Republican Congressmen and Senators don’t support.

It was at this juncture certain critics commented that if the woman was unemployed, homeless and penniless – and dying of cancer to boot – then she was the ideal candidate for our compassionate government to give up on as being of no further use to society and would only constitute a burden to the Medicare system.

Several suggestions were fielded that she take to the city streets in her best hooker dress and flog her golly to pay for her treatment.
However if that plan of action failed, Cantor advised the woman to get on out and around with a begging bowl and a “Dying of Cancer’ sign hung round her neck – and play on human sympathy. Yes “Sympathy” – an odd word that’s in the dictionary somewhere between ‘Shit’ and ‘Syphilis’.

So Eric Cantor’s scheme is a spin-off of the biblical injunction to sell your possessions and give the proceeds to the poor – but in this scenario you sell your possessions to become poor – nice one – very original - while the wealth is kept by those who profit handsomely from the healthcare system.

Oh well, for a pro-Zionist who canvasses all-out support for Israel on the one hand and condemns aid in any form for a war-ravaged Palestine on the other, does anyone actually expect Cantor to promote benevolent charity to be doled out for those cast into the twilight fringes of the social spectrum?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

UK Churches "Seek the Meek" Week

A senior bishop claims the Church of England must shed its upper class ‘Mamon & Snobfords’ supermarket image to attract more of the ‘Grotty Grocer’ type of unemployed landless peasant worshippers away from Sunday morning breakfast TV and Scrapheap Challenge repeats – and back to God’s exalted Sabbath portals.

The Right Reverend Rupert Fuctifino, Bishop of Smegmadale – unfortunately the type of man who believes wood grows on trees - is frustrated by the view that the church is only for the ‘highly-educated’ or ‘suited n booted’ academic types who read the Sunday Shitraker’s ‘Culture’ magazine supplement.

The good Bishop – bless – that most dangerous of creatures : a man of Faith in an unseen Divine Power - considers Jesus would "just as likely be in the queue at a Grotty Grocer supermarket branch – for his copy of the Daily Sport and a pack of 10 Lambert & Butler ciggies – or even buying a tin of Spam or a carton of Pol Pot ‘Genocide ‘flavoured insta-noodles" - as shopping at upper-class Pukesbury’s or Mamon & Snobford’s.

His remarks coincide with a mega-bucks ‘Back to Church You Heathen Bastards’ campaign to attract lapsed worshippers into pews on Sunday and boost the Church of England’s flagging offertory plate incomes and overall dwindling finances.

It comes after provisional figures published earlier this year showed average Sunday attendance in the Church of England fell from 978,643 in 2002 - down to just 3 in 2009 – all of which were Albanian Muslim pikeys sizing up the joint’s security and the church roofs for a lead-nicking exercise.

Bishop Fuctifino told a reporter from the Atheists Gazette "Even today I meet people who think you have to be a good sort who helps old ladies across the road and would never drown a litter of unwanted kittens to be the type of person who goes to church.”

"That's so wrong in this day and age – we’ll take anybody now – Asbo scallies, chavs and hoodies; muggers; benefit cheats; druggies – and their dealers; prostitutes; Catholic bumboys; lesbians; extraordinary rendition torturers; mass murderers; Muslim suicide bombers; cannibals – even MPs.”

“We as spiritual mentors hold pride and purpose in our mission to educate the stupid unwashed heather masses in accepting the ontological proof of the existence of the Holy Trinity and the Ressurection.”
“Really, we’re all here to seek our equitable place in Heaven at the right hand of God – or on His left if things get a bit too busy and packed.”

A YouTube message has also been posted by the Bishop of Smegmadale – the Reverend Fuctifino - which invites people to "come as they are" to church on Sunday – complete with a rap song and dance accompaniment - which on last week’s Sabbath unfortunately turned into a fiasco when several people showed up in pyjamas and slippers – plus a visit from the local Smegmadale Nudist Colony’s born-again types– resplendent in a state of full birthday suit undress.

AccuWeather Forecast for Today - Sunshine - Que?

‏E-mail to AccuWeather HQ
From: Lugay Six-Five (lugay65@hotmail.com)
Sent: 22 September 2009 – 09:52:28
To: accuweather@crapforecasts.com

The AccuWeather site boast : “AccuWeather has developed a new algorithm that calculates what the temperature really feels like outside - named (appropriately enough) the RealFeel Temperature.

Windchill and apparent temperature only tell part of the story. The RealFeel factors conditions such as the amount of sun, elevation, carbon exchange cap n trade rates, atmospheric C02, overnight bullshit levels - and so very much more.”

What a pile of crap - why don't they come up with an advanced algorithm that can detect if it's raining or not - like sticking their head out of the Met' forecast centre window? Unless the entire shebang has been outsourced to India and the actual Met’ office is now in New Delhi.

AccuWeather it is not - more like Inaccuweather. The site's url is posted below for today's WA14 / Altrincham / Greater Manchester area weather : Currently sunny - with sun / light cloud throughout the day.

It's been pissing down – classical ‘raining cats and dogs’ fashion - since dawn - and still is - with skies blacker than a kaffir's arse !

So much for the scheduled charity garden party and barbeque.

http://www.accuweather.com/ukie/forecast.asp%20partner=accuweather&traveler=0&postalcode=WA14%201JT&metric=1

*************************************

RE: Forecast Accuracy Feedback‏
From: AccuWeather Customer Service (conductor@accuwx.com)
You may not know this sender.Mark as safeMark as junk
Sent: 22 September 2009 10:45:11
To: 'lugay65@hotmail.com' (lugay65@hotmail.com)

Dear Lugay, We have received your email. Thank you for your updated information on the weather conditions in your WA14-1JT locale being wholly at conflict with our forecast – ie: Sunshine vs Heavy Rains.
This phenomena actually falls under ‘force majeure’ or an ‘Act of God’ so we at AccuWeather are not responsible if our forecast is over-ridden by Heavenly dictates.

For your reference, your email has been recorded and tracked on reference #527910 as forwarded to our Customer Complaints team at the Primate House section of the New Delhi Zoo.
Your email will be reviewed and we will respond based upon your specific inquiry – weather permitting.

If immediate emergency rescue assistance is needed – such as due severe flooding or blizzard conditions snowfall, please contact our Customer Assistance Center at (814) 235-8650 – between the hours of 09:30 and 09:45 am and leave a message when you hear the tone.

For your information, all of the AccuWeather.com's forecasts (including the 15-day and Hour-by-Hour) are updated each week or so.
If the conditions have not altered significantly for your locale – such as a typhoon making landfall - the forecast may not appear to change.
Most of our maps are updated four times per month – or thereabouts – depending on staff being interested or simply can’t be arsed. *

Due to the high volume of emails we receive, AccuWeather.com cannot guarantee a personal response.

However, please be assured that your email has been received somewhere in our shambolic system and forwarded to the appropriate AccuWeather.com department – who are trained to deal with such annoying e-mails and complaints concerning the shithouse accuracy of our forecasts – by either shredding or tossing them into the nearest trashcan.

Please be advised and reminded that AccuWeather.com is a ‘free’ forecasting service so what the fuck do you really expect for nothing – Utopia with a rainbow on the horizon?

Friday, 25 September 2009

PoxoShitSlime Gagging HPV Drug Claimants

A mother who is initiating legal action against the PoxoShitSlime pharmaceutical giant – claiming her daughter was left partially paralysed after being shot up with their toxic HPV anti-cancer vaccine – has been told by local authority’s Gestapo style ‘Bully Squad’ that the teenager is to be put on the social services ‘at-risk’ register if she goes ahead and pushes her public outcry for an investigation.

Candida McScrunt informed one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that allegations she is abusing her 13-year-old daughter Chlamydia are an attempt to ‘shut her up’ as she is demanding an inquiry into the safety of yet another of Big Pharma’s untested dodgy drugs – this one purportedly used to protect girls against the sexually transmitted human papillomavirus that reportedly causes 70% of cervical cancer tumours.

Chlamydia collapsed immediately after being given the jab at school and has spent nearly a year in hospital – suffering from Galloping Twatrot and a variety of other ailments including muscular paralysis and repeated seizures – and a compromised auto-immune system – all of which have now left her with brain damage and paranoid psychosis.

Mother, Mrs McScrunt, 26, is now consulting lawyers about taking action against pharmaceutical giant PoxoShitSlime for turning her daughter into a crippled basket case and wants a full investigation into the safety of their vaulted HPV superdrug - Kunt-Guard.

She is being supported by pro-bono lawyer Ms Sue Fleecem QC - a legal beagle for both the ‘Burn the Monarchy’ and the ‘Anarchy Rules’ radical political parties - who is launching a multi-million-pound class action suit on behalf of dozens of teenage girls in the UK who have suffered adverse affects after receiving PoxoShitSlime’s HPV Kunt-Guard vaccine - including Chlamydia.

The 13-year old from Smegamadale has been unable to walk unaided since having the jab last October and is an in-patient at the local NHS ScumMed Primary Care Trust hospital.

Tests have failed to find anything physically wrong so dumpty doctors - under the Big Pharma thumb for their junkets and Christmas perks – now claim Chlamydia is suffering from ‘learned illness’ behaviour and have called in social services.

A report from Smegmadale’s NHS office accuses Mrs McScrunt of fabricating Chlamydia’s illness and says: ‘Children’s Services recommend that Chlamydia becomes subject to a Child Protection Plan under the criteria of emotional harm as she is being coerced by her mother to sue our mates at the PoxoShitSlime corporation.’

However Mrs McScrunt told a reporter from the ‘Happy Hysterectomy Gazette’ the ‘emotional harm’ accusation is nothing more than an attempt to gag her and halt the campaign to publicize her daughter’s plight and warn other parents about the dodgy vaccine’s deadly toxic side effects.

Ms. McScrunt concluded ‘At first, they tried to tell us Chlamydia was imagining it. They even suggested I may have Munchausen’s syndrome by proxy. They have now told me Chlamydia is to be placed on the at-risk register, and that I’m abusing her mentally and emotionally by publicising the fact that the PoxoShitSlime Pharmaceutical Corporation have poisoned my daughter with all the crap aluminium, mercury and squalene they put in their dodgy Kunt-Guard vaccine.”

“I refuse to let their threats silence us – so let them take Chylamdia into care – I’ll still sue them – they’ll have to Grassy Knoll me to shut me up now – or do a David Kelly act and stuff my guts full of Co-Proxamol then slash my wrists with a blunt penknife to hide the Dextroprypoxythene injections – scumbag bastards.’

The Kunt-Guard HPV school vaccination programme followed clinical trials in 2005 on more than 18,000 girls around the Third World - all under the age of 16 – and 90% of whom are now either dead or suffering paralysis alike Chylamdia .

As of last night no one was available at Scumborough Council’s social services Bully Squad to comment on the case but both PoxoShitSlime and Whitehall’s Department of Ill- Health stated there was no ‘solid’ evidence that the vaccine carried any side effects – any more so than drinking Monsanto’s Special Sunny D’ GM orange drink – the one with the aspartame-boosted organic nano-particles and the taste of ‘real oranges’ (whatever they are) – that often caused nausea, muscle weakness, dizziness, severe headaches, blurred vision and the loss of feeling in parts of their body – especially when used as a mixer with multiple shots of meth’s or Kinky Cossack vodka.

More about PoxoShitSlime’s Kunt-Guard HPV anti-cervical cancer vaccine from the corporation’s spokeswoman Dr. Fellattia Weaselberg :

"More than 1 in 10 doses (say 9) may cause pain, redness and swelling at the injection site, headache, aching muscles and muscle weakness, and perhaps epileptic seizures – nothing to worry about – these symptoms should disappear naturally after a few weeks.”

"More than 1 in 100 doses (99?) may cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, abdominal pain, acute vaginal itching, red skin rash, hives, joint pain, high fever and paranoid delusions – once again – just transitory side effects.”

"More than 1 in 1000 doses (998?) may cause upper respiratory tract infection, dizziness, a hard lump at the injection site – usually called a tumour - and vaginal tingling or numbness depending on just how lucky you are.”

“If the side-effects get serious or you develop symptoms not mentioned in this leaflet, tell your doctor - or alternatively seek the advice of a registered undertaker.”

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Car Drivers to Blame for ‘all’ Bike Crunches

New Labour’s Ministry for Daft Ideas has come up with a brilliant scheme to introduce novel laws in a bid to promote greener transport methods and are considering making motorists legally responsible for all fender-bender accidents involving cyclists or pedestrians - even if they are not at fault.

Government advisers are pushing for changes in the civil law that will make the most powerful vehicle involved in a collision automatically liable for insurance and compensation purposes – so if a mother with a baby’s push chair collides with a scallie on a skateboard – she’s responsible?
Que – excuse me – did Broon’s shit-for-brains government just make common sense and Hegelian dialectic redundant as well as moral responsibility?

The move, intended to encourage a quantum leap switch to environmentally friendly modes of transport – like walking - is likely to anger some drivers - many of whom already perceive themselves to be the victims of money-grasping speed cameras and Gestapo styled traffic wardens.

However legions are set to argue that it is the intentional kamikaze behaviour of some cyclists — particularly the lemming types who jump red lights and ride the wrong way along one-way streets and dual carriageways - that are to blame for a significant number of crashes.

Conversely policy-makers believe radical action is required to get people out of cars and onto bicycles - or to walk more. Less than 2% of journeys are at present made on pedal-power bikes or Shank’s pony.

Other proposals to promote greener — and healthier — transport include the imposition of blanket 20 mph speed zones on residential streets for cars – while roller bladers and BMX cyclists will be able to tear-arse along at whatever Mach speeds they can achieve with ‘leg power’.

Supporters want such measures to be included in the government’s National Cycling Plan and Active Transport Strategy, due to be published as soon as the Treaty of Lisbon is ratified and Brussels can legally impose their Big Brother totalitarian European Federation communist state on us all with impunity.

Jacko McScrunt, chief executive of Hellhound Bikers, an agency funded by the Department for Transport (DfT) to promote cycling, said four key policy changes were needed.

“We wanna see the legal onus placed on motorists when there are accidents – even if the cyclist is a head-banger or the pedestrian’s on a suicide mission."
"We want speed limits reduced to 20mph on suburban and residential roads; cycling taught to all schoolchildren – especially the couch tater slob types - and four lane cycling provision included in major planning applications for future roads and motorways.”
“Further, we also want adequate cycle lanes through the Channel Tunnel and across all the EU states – so that should keep the Brussels’ transport bod’s busy for a while.”

Such proposals will be seen by some as part of a battle for control of Britain’s roads between motorists and cyclists.

In London, where cycling has bucked the national trend and increased sharply, clashes are already common – with celebrity Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense getting knocked off his own bike again recently by one of the City’s pervasive death-dealing bendy buses – the outcome of which resulted in the bus driver being incarcerated in the Tower of London’s dungeons on charges of attempted murder and domestic terrorism.

Last week Guido Fuctifino, one of the ubiquitous number of television celebrity chefs, described to a reporter from the Daily Shitraker his joy at running a group of cyclists off the road and into a hedge while test-driving a new Aston Martin sports car.
Fuctifino was forced to apologise after thousands of angry cyclists protested and the offending sports car was posted through his front door letter box in bite-sized bits - along with the well-gnawed bones of his barbequed Doberman guard dogs.

Ghengis McTwat, a columnist for The Cormorant Stranglers Gazette, was similarly coerced to backtrack last year after suggesting that piano wire should be strung across roads to decapitate cyclists.
McTwat claimed he was only joking, but statistics show that cyclists are actually among the most vulnerable road users, with 85,115 deaths last year alone – without counting those snuffed in collisions with shopping trolleys while biking around supermarkets.

Last week lobbyists for cycling, skate boarding, roller blading, walking and jogging groups met with Fellattia van der Gobble, the Highways and Byways Department official in charge of sustainable transport who is drafting the national ‘Get Off Your Arse and Leg-It’ scheme to press their case for radical changes in traffic laws by penalising motorists who fail to demonstrate obligatory courtesy and ignore safe distance factors involving cyclists.

However placing the onus of responsibility on motorists is perhaps the most controversial move under consideration.
Such a scheme would lay the presumption of blame against whoever was driving the most powerful vehicle involved in an accident, so they or their insurers would be liable for costs or damages – and possible criminal prosecutions.

If a cyclist were hit by a car, the presumption of culpability would fall on the vehicle driver, while a cyclist would automatically be blamed if he or she knocked down a pedestrian while biking along the pavement.

Transport Minister Lord Norman Donut opined to Fux News that it was wrong to see cyclists and motorists as separate and opposed groups. “Many cyclists are motorists and many motorists are cyclists – just like myself.”

“Simple changes in the law that assume one party is in the wrong because of what they drive will not help harmony on the roads,” Lord Donut concluded - just before being run down by a mob of scallies on skate boards, roller blades and BMX bikes.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Nigella’s Sexpress Reveals All

Celebrity television chef and Hottentot-arsed slapper Nigella Porkson has this week revealed for the Daily Shitraker some of her best kept secrets.

Who would have suspected that Nigella prefers take-away Chew and Spew fast food junk to the crap she cooks up for goggle-box cuisine addicts and cordon bleu celebrity gourmet posers - and really is an insatiable nympho’ who does disgusting things with cucumbers, eggplants and courgettes before serving them up as table fare.

Known by the sobriquet “The Queen of Food Porn”, Nigella is neither a trained chef nor cook, and has assumed a distinctly relaxed approach to her cooking – such as sitting legs akimo on the kitchen table and masturbating herself with a twelve inch salami while waiting for the roast to finish cooking.

Conversely one blatantly green-with-envy sour grapes critic and greasy spoon chef Gary McScrunt had occasion to opine to reporters from the gutter press in the Pikey’s Arms pub that if Nigella didn’t have “great tits and blow job lips then no bugger would bother watching the talentless twat make a bollocks of grilling a rack of fish fingers.”

This comment was obviously a reference to her latest program which featured her preparing multiple "easy-to-make" meals and got carried away with her own verbosity and did a King Alfred on the piscine digits – cremating the lot to a crisp black charred mess.

The domestic goddess recently appeared live for an interview on Scandal News where she discussed her latest book ‘Nigella Sexpress: 130 Recipes to make a Pig Puke’ (Ripoff Publications – £18:99) and came clean about her repulsive habit of eating finger foods like spaghetti, fish and chips, and Cumberland sausages in bed – while having rampant sex with Pikey immigrants or Polish plumbers.

Nigella further revealed her naughtiest kitchen secret yet : how she ended up with old botox-features - Slimy Simon Cowell - as an uninvited guest at one of her dinner parties - and pissed in his Dog’s Bollocks consomm√© then laced the clot’s Vermicelli al Varda course with a few of her wiry short and curlies – rounded off with a good dusting of pubic dandruff on his cormorant and rhubarb strudel.

Guinness Records : Hardest, Oldest, Smallest & Tallest

And now – the latest Guinness World Records :

A two-time Guinness record holder is hoping to enter the prestigious compendium yet again with a third placing by completing 100 push-ups in 60 seconds – using his penis – while viewing stimulating televised images of a belly dancer to keep him focused and phallically erect.

Indian cormorant strangler Bongbong Natterjack from Madras claims the attempt will take him one step closer to achieving his goal of having three Guinness records in his name.
His two previous records include breaking a stack of concrete slabs by delivering a karate blow with his cock - and ramming the same erect male member through a one inch thick plank, which - while successful - resulted in hospitalisation for the removal of several large splinters.

The world's oldest known living person has celebrated her 135th birthday this week.
Fellattia Sodomberg was honoured at a pole dancing bar in Las Vegas with live music, a letter from President Barky O’Barmy – which apparently made her vomit and brought on an asthma attack - and a champagne toast with a three-tier cake and candles – a slice of which her great-grand-daughter chewed for her first.

Friends sang to her as she performed her regular nightly erotic dance routine and was presented with an ‘Oldest Pussy on the Planet’ certificate from Guinness World Records before getting several crisp $100 bills tucked into her bikini bottom.

Heho Pingpong, the Guinness Book’s shortest man, tells the Daily Shitraker he prefers running a restaurant to craving fame.
The 92-year-old, who lives with his younger sisters in China's Inner Mongolia, is just 73cm tall - making him officially the shortest little git on Earth – a veritable Tom Thumb.

Mr. Pingpong’s greatest fear in life? – getting trodden on by drunks. His greatest pleasure – having sex with cats or wire-haired terriers.

Sultan Kosen, who measures 8ft 1in (2.47m), has officially had his status as the tallest man on the planet verified by Guinness World Records.

He visited London's main sights this week to get measured up for a batch of custom-made condoms – and was filmed by news hacks towering above other pedestrians as he mingled with crowds outside Big Ben – where he reached up – in a moment of mischievous fun - and adjusted the minute finger so it was running a half-hour fast.

A licenced tomcat peeler from Mardin in eastern Turkey, Kosen told Fux News “Hopefully now that I'm famous I'll be able to meet lots of girls. I'd like to get married and am going on a blind date next week with Heho Pingpong’s little sister – courtesy of the Guinness team."

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Ungrateful Iraqis Don’t Appreciate US Invasion

The US House Overshite Committee on International Ethnic Cleansing, Human Wrongs and Justifiable Genocide met today in Washington to discuss issues of sovereignty and stability in Iraq and the country's longstanding financial obligation of reimbursing the US-led coalition nation forces for the costs of invading - then occupying - their country for the past six years – at great ‘continuing’ expense in the terms of body bags and funerals.

During the hearing Iraqi Minister for Firewood - Saleh bin Muttonleg - and former Iraqi interim Minister for Tents - Ayad Ali Wigwam - both members of Iraq's Council of Representatives - and high ranking cadre leaders of the Shite ‘Fill Yer Pockets’ ruling political party - spoke about Iraq's future and called for a "moral and responsible" withdrawal of U.S. troops – preferably before Christmas.

Both stated for the record that the invasion of their country was not only wholly illegal but totally irresponsible – for while Saddam Hussein might have been an utter nasty prick they were better off under his dictatorial suppressive iron fist rule than having John Wayne and Co. devastating the country’s infrastructure to the present Stone Age level just so Halliburton could get even richer by ‘rebulding the place’ and let the Renta-Thief US energy companies bleed their oil and gas wells dry for sweet Fanny Adams.

However 96-year old U.S. Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher : 46th Redneck District Of California – (a former draft-excused tomcat strangler) tore into the Iraqi representatives and berated the Iraqi people in general for their lack of gratitude to the US for invading their country and making a total fucking mess of it.

Rohrabacher went into verbal diarrhoea motor-mouth mode – his face turning an apoplectic purple – as he launched a fanatical spittle-laden diatribe against the pair.
"I have never heard one word of heart-felt thanks or received a letter of appreciation from the Iraqi peasants about the 4,300 Americans and Blackwater mercenaries who lost their lives while bringing them the Shining Light of Democracy," he exclaimed, banging the table with his forehead for added emphasis.

"We went to Iraq to try and free your people and now we're being blamed for sectarian violence," he screamed. "Don't blame us because you’re all a bunch of blood-thirsty savages still living in the 14th Century."

A defiant Saleh al Muttonleg responded, "You were the ones who pushed your troops into our country. We did not invite you – so now you can all fuck off again – and please take your scumbag Israeli mercenaries with you."

It was at this point an exasperated Rohrabacher threw up his hands and stormed out of the room for a caffine boost to calm his shattered nerves – unable to deal with the unfair use of Hegelian logic and opponents telling the truth.

In the aftermath of Rohrabacher's psychotic tantrum Rep. Bill Delakuntt (D-MA) quietly stated to Mr. bin Muttonleg and Mr Ali Wigwam that Weapons of Mass Distraction, and not Iraqi freedom, were the reason the U.S. & Co. invaded Iraq - even though there were none ever found – mainly due the fact they didn’t exist in the first place - and the military just decided to stay regardless – camped right next door to their next intended targets – Syria and Iran.

Rohrabacher – no stranger to controversy for his ‘good ole boy’corn-pone IQ and moronic public statements - was named "Countdown with Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" in April 2007 for condoning extraordinary rendition – and torture in general – as being permissable – so long as performed by Uncle Sam’s army boys - with his closing remark of “No shit – ain’t war jest Hell” being roundly booed by the studio audience.
Critics – and even friends and family alike – freely admit Rohrabacher can be taken anywhere twice – the second time to apologise.

In the November 1996 issue of the Warmonger’s Gazette Rohrabacher was reported as saying that the Taliban were not terrorists or revolutionaries, that they would develop a disciplined Southern Baptist style society that would leave no room for terrorists - and that the Taliban posed no threat to the United States.
Oh yes - just the man to have representing you in Congress – a true prophet with his finger on the international poltical pulse.

Do you think the Iraqis are a bunch of ungrateful twats for failing to recognise and appreciate the US-led coalition invasion as a Godsend (Allah-sent) that got rid of nasty old Saddam and left their infrastructure and social order in ruins and made a right Balkans of the place?

Do you agree the US should get Iraqi oil for free for the next 100 years to pay for all the bombs, shells, missiles and bullets we’ve used there?
Regardless, where else could these guys get their entire sovereign terrain covered with Insta-Mutant depleted uranium dust for next to fuck all cost?

E-coli Epidemic Closes Petting Zoos

Parents should not allow young children to touch animals at petting zoos around the Southampton area of the south coast of England, a Porton Down germ warfare centre microbiologist advised a reporter from the Daily Shitraker amid fears of an E-coli 0157 epidemic beating the forecast Sneezy Pig H1N1 flu pandemic to the starting post.

Professor Helmut Fuctifino opined that the kiddie age groups were the "most likely to touch – or pet - the animals" and "the most difficult part of the population to get to wash their hands as they had a bad habit of sucking their fingers after just sticking them up a pygmy goat’s bum or stroking some psoriasis-ridden meerkats.”

Conversely Fuctifino stated that parents should not "abandon the idea of visiting" the coastal regions petting zoos, but they should "think very hard" about letting children under five touch the animals with their hands – rather have them wear surgical type latex gloves or better still simply poke at the animals with a sharp stick to promote the desired audible response.

He further emphasised that kiddies should be totally discouraged from French kissing any of the animals – especially so the dwarf Alpacas.

Critics described Professor Fuctifino’s suggestions as ‘totally bonkers’ as the entire concept of a ‘petting zoo’ was lost if the kiddies couldn’t experience ‘close communion’ the animals.

Following the routes of strange coincidence, documents released this week under the Freedom of Information Act at the Kew Archives reveal that between the winter of 1965 and November 1967 a series of Government trials involving the release of 'microthreads' - (just like the man-made Morgellons Disease nano-particle virus currently being spread via chemtrails) - covered in E-coli 0157 bacteria were carried out upwind of the Southampton area by scientists from the neighbouring germ warfare division of the Microbiological Research Establishment at Porton Down.

As Churchill the Bulldog might proclaim: “Oh yes!” - the very same Southampton area just hit by a fresh outbreak of E-coli 0157 bacterial infections at the local kiddie’s petting zoos.

Monday, 21 September 2009

Is Nigeria the Real ‘District 9’?

Nigeria's hapless basket case government went into total bonkers format this week by demanding cinemas across the African continent, Europe, Asia and the Americas stop showing the recently-released science fiction film ‘District Nine’.

The Nigerian government claims the film denigrates the country's image as the Renaissance centrepiece of modern Africa - and shows the population up to be a bunch of corrupt criminal savages and cannibals who do nothing but butcher each other, run 419 e-mail scams and eat aliens from outer space.

Propaganda Minister Ms. Numpty O’Dinga told the Fux News ‘Corruption Central’ programme "De name of our former president Useless O’Banjo was done clearly spelt out as de head of de criminal gang in de movie an’ our ladies shown like black nigga slapper hookers sleepin’ wid de extra-terrestrial beings wot done look like big prawns."

"We am feelin’ very bad about dis cos de film am clearly denigratin’ Nigeria's image as de 21st Century Renaissance Florence by portrayin’ us as if we am cannibals an’ criminal types wid de IQ of a rock ape.”

The central theme of the film is about alien refugees who set up home in a South African shanty town called District Nine – obviously based on Cape Town’s infamous District Six black kaffir 'Criminal Central' ghetto.
While all and sundry are in agreement that the storyline is a loose allegory about apartheid and recent violence by South Africans against foreigners, Propaganda Minister O’Dinga – a certified paranoid delusional – claims it clearly takes aim at Nigerians.

Ms. O’Dinga informed amused hacks from the gutter press that she had ordered the Nigerian film and video censors board to enforce all cinemas to stop showing the film and confiscate every copy.
"I am also have done formally written to Sony Pictures Entertainment - de company dat am produced dis film, demandin’ an unconditional apology for dis unwarranted attack on Nigeria's image - an’ lotsa dollars in compensation," she added.

O’Dinga also stated she had demanded they review the film and remove "all offending portions that injured our image as a nation” – which basically translates as removing all black persons.

Conversely the ‘District Nine’ movie’s director – South African Pik van der Poof – told the Daily Scandalmonger “Ms. O’Dinga’s claim stating that my film shows Nigerians in general – from the government bureaucrats on down - to be a bunch of corrupt criminal scallies and cannibal savages who do nothing but butcher each other, steal oil, market conflict diamonds, do dodgy arms deals with rogue states and run 419 e-mail scams is quite accurate.”

“Unfortunately for the lady it is also perfectly true – apart from the fact they don’t eat aliens from outer space – not yet anyway – but let’s just wait until some have the misfortune to land in Lagos and we’ll see what happens then.”

Prima Donna Maradona Mugged by Taxman

In the surreal world of overpaid celebrity soccer prima donnas Argentina’s national team manager Diego Maradona has been hit, mugged, fleeced, done over and truly dusted by Italian tax police in the country’s northern province of Bonzo : where the former SSC Napoli star is currently undergoing treatment at a health clinic for ‘stress’ after Argentina's hopes of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup were shattered in a humiliating 3-1 home defeat by their historic archrivals Brazil in Rosario.

Madona transferred from Barcelona to Napoli in Italy's Serie A league for a record fee of £6.9 million in 1984.
However, during his time in Italy, Maradona's personal problems increased. He developed a mega-buck cocaine addiction and was zapped with US $70,000 in fines from his club for missing games and practices, ostensibly because of 'stress' – caused by his drug supplier not turning up with the ‘goodies’.

After serving a 15-month ban for failing a drug test for coke – plus suspicion over his affiliation with the Mafia-linked Camorra crime syndicate - Maradona left the Napoli team in disgrace in 1992 – owing what Italian tax collectors referred to as ‘lots and lots of effing lira.”

The Italian news agency El Scandalozo reported that Maradona faced a bill of 37 million euros ($54.43 million) from his time at Napoli, where he played a Messianic starring role between 1984 and 1991 - earning several zillion lire per match.

According to the Bonzo Provincial Tax Police Chief Guido Corruptioni, the former soccer star was forcibly divested of his diamond ear-rings – four per ear – each worth some 5,000 euros – totalling a recoup of 40,000 euros for the taxman’s coffers.

Rumours concerning the forcible removal of his Prince Albert genital piercing jewellery – a 27 carat blue diamond topside clitty tickler curved barbell - remain unconfirmed but the ailing superstar was noted to be walking strangely after the tax plod squad raid.

The 96-year-old soccer legend was reportedly being treated for obesity problems and stress at the clinic after weighing in at 280 pounds while wearing a pair of jocks - and having bitten his fingernails down to the first knuckle.

In 2006, Italian authorities seized two dodgy Rolex watches worth an estimated 100,000 euros ($140,700) from Maradona during his appearance at a news conference in Naples.

One report by the Association of Italian Tax Dodgers claims Maradona still has 22.4 million euros ($33 million) to fork out – which may result in the forced removal of his gold teeth – and perhaps certain transplantable organs – with a healthy kidney currently fetching up to $100,000 on the Italian black market.

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Killer Biscuits Banned in EU Coffee Shops

The latest piece of asinine legislature to emerge from the EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money in Brussels involves HSE risk assessments for every possible human function and endeavour – from brewing a cup of tea or coffee to opening a can of soup - to cleaning your teeth and gargling - to wiping one’s arse and – to – believe it or not - a risk assessment ‘danger rating’ index for eating biscuits.

Apparently the EU’s Brussels-based HSE division have had a team of Barbary rock apes flown in especially from Gibraltar and ensconced at the Brussels Zoo’s Department for Advanced Guessology’s computerised think tank working around the clock – 24/7 – to compile the ‘cookie danger rating index’ before someone in the EU Parliament is severely maimed by a biscuit and sues the living shit out of them in a personal injury claim.

Has the world truly gone mad? Yes – definitely and absolutely – no argument there boys and girls – as we tread steadfastly on and ponder the risk assessments they’ll conjure up next - with justifiable anxiety.

Let’s step back for a brief moment and consider the simple phrase of “What If” that the EU’s primate department seem to be employing as a core philosophy foundation stone mathematical algorithm for their risk index assessments.

Sure – what if I snap a ginger cookie in half and a piece of biccy shrapnel hits me in the eye? Well, you’ll probably rub your eye, pull out the gingery fragment and eat it – and get on with your day.
Doubtful you’re going to need to consult a personal injury lawyer and undergo corneal transplant surgery.

What if – yes ‘what if’ indeed. What if that stupid piranha-toothed git Edward Heath hadn’t signed the UK up for the European Common Market as soon as the French super-Anglophobe Charlie de Gaulle popped his clogs.
What if a Grantham grocer’s menopausal slag of a daughter hadn’t de-industrialised Britain in the name of future Tory glory?
What if that effeminate twat John Minor hadn’t signed the dodgy Maastricht Treaty and we were still an insular sovereign state?

What if NASA and Co had run a risk assessment on the manned lunar landing project for Apollo 11 and decided it was too risky – then had the audacity to go and stage and fake the entire affair with a Hollywood film crew inside a hanger at Nevada’s Area 51?

So we have Armstrong and Aldrin (the one with the limp and no head for heights) - and pilot Collins - getting no closer to the actual moon that anyone else on Earth and thus selling the whole schmiel to the American people as good value for their tax dollars – then have the further cheek to blow a raspberry at the Ruskies and tauntingly bellow – “Look what we’ve done Ivan! – wanna Moon rock?”

‘What if’ the first cavemen had done a risk assessment at rubbing two sticks together and decided it might be dangerous – a fire hazard for instance – we’d still be eating raw food and shivering our bollocks off in winter.
The wheel would never have been invented – nor boats – nor steam engines – and definitely not flying machines.

Would the Great Khan have even stepped outside the Steppes? – Doubtful. Would the Vandals, Romans, Huns or Goths ever conquered anything? Not a hope.
Would the Vikings have sailed to Newfoundland? Not a cat in Hell’s chance – they’d have stayed home and gone fishing – perhaps – if the local shaman did a risk assessment first and decided it wasn’t too dangerous.
Would Jesus and the disciples have given Pilate and the Sanhedrin a pile of shite? Never- far too risky as they might have gotten crucified.

Would Captain James T. Kirk, Bigears the Vulcan and the Starship Enterprise have boldly gone where no man had gone before? – Fuck no!

Now – in their infinite simian wisdom - the EU’s Department for Advanced Guessology’s primates have calculated the biscuit most likely to cause someone an injury during a tea or coffee break - labelling the seemingly benign custard cream the world’s most menacing snack, on the basis of something they’ve termed the Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation (BITE).

Accidents have included people falling off a chair while reaching for the biccy tin, sustaining burns after dunking a biscuit in scalding tea, and being hit by fragments flying through the air and becoming ‘cookie casualties’.

Other people have reported choking on crumbs and damaging a tooth or filling on a particularly hard biscuit. One unlucky person ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit – which really falls under the heading of ‘you can’t mend stupid’.

Perhaps even more unusual 20% of people had sustained ‘biscuit-related injuries’ such as poking themselves in the eye with a biscuit while concentrating on other matters- such as watching the telly or ironing the cat – with an odd 15% being bitten by a pet or other wild animal trying to get their biscuit while their attentions were otherwise distracted.

However, the Brussels Zoo’s ‘Monkey Business’ brigade have now tested the physical properties of scores of popular types of biscuits along with aspects of their consumption such as 'dunkability' and crumb dispersal" – which comes
across more as a field evaluation for the brisant qualities of a prototype hand grenade or anti-personnel mine more so than a snack cookie.

According to the Monkeylab’s calculations, here is the full list of the EU's riskiest biscuits, together with their 'danger' rating :

Muslim Custard Creams 6.28
English Custard Creams 5.64
Fig Biscuit 4.34
Chocolate Wagon Wheel 4.1
Jammy Dodger 3,92
Caramel Wafer 3.74
Rich Tea 3.45
Poor Tea 3.40
Garibaldi 3.38
Bourbon 3.34
Oat Biscuit 3.31
Digestive 3.14
Ginger Nut 2.99
Shortbread 2.90
Longbread 2.83
Muesli Bar 2.76
Nice Biscuit 2.27
Nasty Biscuit 2.24
Iced Biscuits / Party Rings 2.16
Chocolate Finger 1.38
Jaffa Cakes 1.16

Stop Press : Oriole peanut flavoured cookies have now taken the actual ‘biscuit’ due nut allergies – rating in at a deadly 7.58 since the deaths of a coven of menopausal broomstick merchants at a Smegmadale Townswomen’s Guild meeting who suffered traumatic adverse reactions to the nut-laced snacks during their customary tea and biccies sojourn – and promptly went into respiratory arrest mode en masse.

Have any of your family or friends suffered a serious biscuit-related injury? Do you wear goggles and other protective clothing when eating biscuits? Were you aware of the burgeoning number of cases of people committing suicide with biscuits? Have you ever read of the celebrated Yorkshire Biscuit Murders case?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a complimentary tin of our all-new EU Monkey Brand safe-for-purpose blotting paper biscuits.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy.

Innovative Indonesia : One Step Forward - Two Back

In an all-out attempt to catch up with the 21st Century and their high-tech’ Occidental peers, the foot-dragging Muslim community of Sumatra’s basket case Aceh province seem to be stuck in the Islamic year of 1430 and have just taken a further step backwards into their barbaric past by unanimously approving a numpty Sharia law sentencing convicted adulterers to be stoned to death - with half bricks, cobbles or any other hefty lump of throwable geology.

Indonesia's Sumatra province of Aceh – long recognised over the Dutch Colonial period for being a startling example of cultural barbarism - has passed a new law making adultery punishable by stoning to death, a member of the province's parliament informed a reporter from the Dark Ages Gazette.

The bloodthirsty law was unanimously accepted as kosher by Aceh's pro-Muslim regional legislature, assembly member Bathroom Ali Rancid told the media.

Opponents had tried to delay the law, saying more debate was needed because it imposes capital punishment – especially so if the myopic rock-throwers are halfway accurate and hit some poor adulteress on the head.

Sharia law was partially introduced in Aceh in 2001, as a proffered segment of the toothless Jakarta government’s deal to pacify separatist rebels and stop them killing off army troops faster than Central Command could breed and train replacements.

A peace pact brokered in early 2005 followed the US military conveniently exploding two 50 megaton nuclear bombs at extreme bottom depth in the north-west end of the Sumatran Trench – off Palau Simeulucut island - causing the Boxing Day Asian tsunami that snuffed billions of hapless rickshaw drivers - and heralded a cease fire to the 30-year Muslim separatist insurgency when the whole of Aceh ended up to its tits in seawater, dead fish and mud.

Many of the former hard-line fundamentalist Muslim rebels then entered Aceh's government - hell-bent on innovating such radical cultural changes as the mandatory use of full cover hijabs or burka’s for their suppressed womenfolk, lashings for a variety of offences - including farting in the mosque, buggering goats in a public place – and eventually – stoning for simple acts of adultery.

"This law will be effective in 30 days with or without the approval of Aceh's governor," claims shit-for-brains hard-line assembly member Bathroom Ali Rancid – a former colour-blind traffic light technician.

Conversely the governor of Aceh, himself a one-time rebel with the Free Aceh Movement, is opposed to strict Sharia law as he considers – from a common sense perspective – it might do little to promote tourism – especially so if foreign visitors are stoned to death for throwing a leg over one – or more – of the province’s multitude of voluptuous whores that are omni-present in any of the bars or nightclubs – all owned by rich ex-rebel Muslim assemblymen and their corrupt crony cohorts.

For the Christian unenlightened, married people convicted of adultery can be sentenced to death by stoning while unmarried people can be sentenced to 100 lashes with a cane – or anything else that might hurt and prompt the offender to scream – in top decibel fortissimo fashion – “Fer fuck’s sake – Insh’Allah – that effin’ hurts.”

The law also imposes severe penalties for rape, homosexuality, alcohol consumption, gambling and parking on double yellow lines – with sentences ranging from a slap on the right wrist – with a sword – to decapitation for a second offence – and double-decapitation for a third. Fourth-time offences are a rarity but carry even stiffer penalties when they do occur.

Within the backward Islamic archipelago of 36,000 islands that comprise ‘modern’ (sic) Indonesia, Aceh is the only province allowed to apply archaic Sharia laws.
But with the province preparing for its first election since the 2005 peace deal ended years of separatist violence, the Sharia police's role has become increasingly controversial – and numpty-dumpty stupid to boot.

An hour before dusk and the newest sadistic recruits to Aceh’s law enforcers - its Saudi / Spanish Inquisition style Mutaween Sharia police - are getting ready for the evening ‘harassment’ patrol.

They line up on the back of a pick-up truck, women on one side - men on the other – the guys wearing uniform baseball caps and clutching walkie-talkies while the women wear their camouflaged burkas and carry pickaxe handles to indiscriminately belt offenders of their unwritten rules – most of which are conjured as the evening goes on – made to fit for purpose and having zero foundation under Islamic law.

As the truck moves through the early evening traffic it doesn’t take long to find their first target - a cyclist on a store delivery bike wearing a ‘Jesus Loves You’ tee-shirt. They pull him over and beat the living crap out of the hapless sod with their cudgels – regardless of the fact he’s a practicing Christian from the Church of Latter Day Morons..

Conversely the Sharia police should observe religious tolerance as is their charter so wrote. Their brief is quite specific - to check for alcohol and gambling, for anyone not conforming to the Islamic dress codes and for signs of sexual contact between unmarried couples : male-female / male-male faggot bonding or – Allah forbid – female- female lesbian activities.

Recently one scandalously perverted case of male - goat – male – female – goat – female – male – male cluster-fuck dogging session was referred to the Sharia court of the Imam in the provincial dump of a capital - Medan - for judgement.

Thus, while the province's novice untrained mercenary law enforcement zealots are watching over the public's behaviour - and with archaic Islamic law standing for so much here now - who is going to be watching over them? Allah? Doubtful.

Are you in Aceh? What is your reaction to the new adultery law? Would you cast the first stone? Of course not – but how about the second?

Send us your views using the online form below and you could win a free trip in the Aceh province’s virtual reality time machine back to the year 1430 – all ready to join in the Ramadan fast and go on a Happy Haj to manky Mecca.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Karma : Riot Squad Cops Gas Themselves

Eighteen trainee officers have suffered burns to the faces, gone blind and had their lungs permanently damaged during a CS gas spray training exercise for the Greater Manchester Police’s ‘Riot Plod Squad’.

The rookie recruits - hired from the redundant ranks of New Labour’s quango Renta-Thug sadist agency - were made to walk through clouds of the chemical mist to experience what it would be like to be ‘herding and kettling’ crowds of unruly jobless peasant demonstrators and other domestic terrorist types without the protection of gas masks.

Since the incident occurred at the Bell End extraordinary rendition centre at Smegmadale last week GMP has suspended CS spray drills while an investigation is carried out into how the training exercise batch of chemical toxicant came to be spiked with a blend of Zyklon B ‘Shower Power’ gas and the nerve agent Sarin GB.

CS is used in spray form by many police forces as a tool for riot control - and a temporary incapacitant to subdue violent and aggressive offenders – such as drugged-up grannies pushing into the weekly pension giro queue at the Post Office.

It is further deployed to disperse mobs of protesters attempting to lynch crooked politicians for buggering up the economy and causing a crippling recession while simultaneously stuffing their own pockets with goodies from the Parliamentary Renta-Perk pork barrel fund.

All affected cadet officers were placed on restricted duties after the fatal training day last week – with nine recruits being provided with white walking sticks and Labrador guide dogs, a further six booked in for NHS cornea and lung transplants and the remaining three confined to the GMP mortuary.

GMP spokesman Inspector Gordon Fuctifino told a reporter from the Snafu Gazette that the rookie squad had emerged from the cloud of CS gas staggering aimlessly or on their hands and knees – vomiting litres of green spew and coughing up bloodied lumps of seared lung tissue.

"As part of initial police training officers are given a level of exposure to CS spray so they can understand the impact it has when used on defenceless unemployed peasant types involved with illegal demo’s – however the effects usually elicit bouts of coughing and a few tears – and not have the recruits resembling the survivors of Hiroshima.”

Inspector Fuctifino concluded "An initial review of the circumstances surrounding the training balls-up has been completed and apparently the dodgy batch of CS gas had come from a shipment recently delivered from Tel Aviv – the same brand as the Israeli Defence Force use against Hamas and their the Gaza Gangsters – and those naughty Palestinian children who throw stones at the IDF’s battle tanks.”

“However we’ve now shipped it back under warranty as it’s not exactly what we ordered – with a quite strong letter of complaint attached.”

"All those recruits who were affected in the training exercise - not just the ones who have already submitted personal injury claims through the Ambulance-Chasers-R-Us law offices - will be given medical support by the GMP – like cornea and lung transplants – or decent Christian burials where required."

Wilf McScrunt, spokesman for the Anarchist’s Popular Front, told a reporter from the Fubar Review “Serves the twats right – now they know ‘ow we feel when they blast us with the shit every time we ‘old a bit of a demo’ outside the effin’ Town ‘all ter protest against stupid wheelie bin fines an’ council snitches pokin’ their effin’ noses over yer garden wall ter see if yer ‘ave a new shed.”

Friday, 18 September 2009

UK Attorney-General to Prosecute Self – Que?

British Slime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown and his merry band of sycophantic bottom feeders at No 10 Downing Street today pronounced to an unruly mob of scandal-frenzied hacks from the Daily Shitraker and the Rumourmonger’s Gazette that they maintained "full confidence" in Attorney General Baroness Scumland of Walthamstow amid claims she illegally employed a Pacific Islands shemale - allegedly not permitted to work in the UK as her main educational and skills qualifications for visa entitlement came under the headings of ‘paddling dugout canoes’, ‘making ‘lei’ garlands of jasmine flowers’ and ‘collecting coconuts’.

It emerged on Wednesday that Baroness Scumland employed transgender domestic help Lolo Tilapia, from Bonga-Bonga in the South Pacific, for six months at her Middlesex residence as a ‘trainee under-the-carpet sweeper’.

Baroness Scumland’s press agent, Sapphie Dildodo, told Fux News that Lolo was immediately sacked when the Baroness was informed by the New Labour government’s Chief Snitch – Major Darlston Grasser - that a budding scandal might just be ready to erupt in classical Biblical fashion and be spread across the front pages of the gutter press for her employing cheapo illegal immigrant labour.

Baroness Scumland – a barrister by profession - has since maintained the lie – out of an obvious sense of self-preservation – that she hired Ms Tilapia in "good faith" and thought she was entitled to work – regardless of her lack of official Borders Agency documentation.

Conversely, Baroness Patty Scumland was – by a strange quirk of damning fate - a Home Office minister when the new immigration laws were drawn up.

However certain Parliamentary back bench Conservatives critics of the true ‘heckling’ variety – with the MP for Old Scrotum - Sir Jarvis Snivellington-Snide – the Shadow Minister for Back-Stabbing - leading the affray - claim Baroness Scumland had got things "badly wrong" – as usual - and was lying through her predatory teeth to avoid being targeted by civil – or criminal - charges for her ‘ignorance of the law’.

Under the Immigration, Asylum and Nationality Act, employers and private persons (Attorney-Generals included) who knowingly take on an illegal worker face a two-year prison sentence and an unlimited fine.
Those who unknowingly take on illegal workers face a mere maximum fine of £10,000 – and get 5 points slapped on their Renta-Immigrant permit.

Despite No 10's support Fux New's Westminster political correspondent Candida Machiavelli reported that Baroness Scumland would remain under pressure until she clarified what actual legal documents she had viewed prior to hiring Miss Tilapia – apart from a letter written by her mother providing a reference that stated “Lolo am a good girl an’ knows how to use a brush to sweep shit up an’ can catch fresh fish from de lagoon.”

It is understood Ms Tilapia arrived in the UK in 2008 when she swam ashore at Beachy Head with a crew of shipwrecked Somali pirates who’s rickety wooden dhow was sunk by a passing Dutch supertanker sailing out of Rotterdam which had totally ignored their Jolly Roger flag and the “Stop – you are about to be boarded by pirates” sign hung off the main mast.

Baroness Scumland’s spokeswoman Ms. Dildodo stated emphatically that the Attorney-General had "never knowingly employed some ‘off the books cheap labour kaffir", adding that she had hired the help in "good faith" – regardless of race, colour or creed – as long as they were ‘minimum wage’ orientated and claimed their work visa was ‘in the post’.

"The Boss was eventually presented with a British entry visa stamped on the back of a Corn Flakes packet - which led her to believe that Ms Tilapia was entitled to work in this country.”

But Kermit Scrunt, of the Immigration Advisory Service, informed Pox News that employers had to comply with Border Agency guidelines - including checking the visa status of prospective employees on passports – regardless of how stupid the potential employees were – or whatever minimum rate they were prepared to work for.
"The perusal of a forged National Insurance certificate pasted to the back of a breakfast cereal packet in itself is insufficient to escape a civil penalty," Mr. Scrunt advised the Cockle Pickers Weekly Review.

New Labour MP for East Calumny Keith Vaz - Minister for Dodgy Deals - and no stranger to a few personal nasty scandals himself - said he believed - from his own corrupt point of view – that Baroness Scumland would have "satisfied herself" that all the necessary checks were done – and the press and media should back off and drop the matter – as his crony mate Lord Peter Scandalson had all their addresses and knew where everyone lived.

Conservative MP Sir Jarvis Snivellington-Snide concluded that the Attorney General had questions to answer about her conduct with this matter throughout.

"This is a government that states all small employers should be prosecuted if they don't know the immigration status of their employees and yet we have senior ministers who can't be bothered to make the checks themselves," Sir Jarvis informed the poofta barman at Whitehall’s Fighting Dog & Pikey Arms public house.

“She might well be the government's chief legal adviser who oversees all criminal prosecutions in England and Wales – but – in this case – probably not her own.”

Thus here the gullible and long-suffering British public are yet again presented with another blatant instance of politicians – especially so the New Labour variety - that have come to represent everything rotten about our so-called democracy : arrogance, cynical contempt for the tax-paying public, institutionalised dishonesty, an exaggerated sense of entitlement and the complete absence of shame for whatever crimes and misdemeanours they commit – while castiagting the peasant masses for the slightest transgression of their novel asinine EU regulations.

On the subject of scandals Ms. Lorem Ipsum, Lib Dem MP for Upper Shitcreek, opined to an interviewer from the Dogwankers Gazette that “New Labour’s coffin now seems to have more nails than wood.”

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Binmen : Cheap Proxies for Teachers

Thousands of untrained staff – including night club bouncers, postmen, driving instructors and even binmen – are being used as "cheap labour" to cover for absent teachers according to a report leaked by disaffected snitches at the Ministry of Education.

By law only fully qualified teachers and licenced assistants can take lessons in state schools, but the report identified instances when untrained staff – so-called "cover supervisors" with the academic qualifications of a Barbary rock ape - were taking their place for weeks – if not whole terms - at a time.

The report - left behind a lavatory cistern in a Whitehall pub toilet in exchange for the classical thirty pieces of silver - reveals that untrained staff were being deployed in the toughest classes, with the lowest ability pupils, where it is often difficult to recruit full-time teachers who have any interest in wasting their time and efforts trying to teach brain-dead yobs and yobettes about anything – or are awaiting trail for beating problem pupils to death with the science class weights and measures set.

Professor Waldorf Fuctifino, a senior Education Department career snitch – told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker "Cover supervisors from one local council’s refuse collection division were teaching and commenting on pupils A-Level mock exam work in Quantum Sematics – posting marginal notations and comments such as – “That’s a crock of shit – do it again – or else!”

"They are not trained or in any way qualified to be making those type of judgements. The people we met had previous careers working in the post office and mental institutions – as inmates - or being a wheelie bin emptier – and even High Street shit-pickers."

Some headteachers acknowledge they used cover supervisors because of "budgetary concerns" – they can be paid as little as £1.50 an hour – especially so the Albanian pikey immigrant types or unemployed Chinese cockle pickers - who’ll actually put in a full day for a pack of Pol Pot noodles and the promise of a pay review when the Tories win the next election.

The report reveals the New Labour government and Ofsted’s current five-year drive to reduce qualified teachers' working hours from forty per week to zero – to coincide with the imminent enforcement of the EU’s Communist Federation of Europe manifesto where children’s education will be a thing of the past - hence the huge rise in the number of unskilled classroom assistants - some with an NVQ1 Diploma in Basic Drain Clearing Technology.

National Union of Teachers spokewoman Rita Scrunt told Fux News "It's fine to use moonlighting bouncers or taxi drivers as cover supervisors for short periods while the actual teacher pops out for a quick nervous breakdown – or a relaxing bifta – or to take a crap - but when we learn that they’re actually laying out their own syllabus for the kids and running the classes day in and day out then something is seriously fucked up.”

Former soldiers and military stockade guards – kicked out of the Army after being found guilty of charges of cruelty at Abu Grahib Prison in Iraq - are also known to have been employed in schools where overall discipline had been lax and the odd Chinese Burn or broken fibia has been necessary to gain a child’s actual focused attentions.

The report further reveals that some schools in the Smegmadale area are still employing ex-bouncers from Renta-Thug as cover supervisors, raising concerns that they were being used as "crowd control" and sacrificing the quality of children's education – especially so after several unruly pupils were found buried in shallow graves at the far end of the school playing fields with their tongues ripped out and necks snapped.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – blended with a modest touch of Yeast Logic.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Yob Fined for Getting Cat Stoned on Ganja

A teenage yob who was filmed on a mobile phone forcing a neighbour’s terrified tomcat to inhale cannabis while captive in a clear plastic laundry bag - before swinging it round his head like a Gaucho’s bolas - was slapped with an Asbo to stay away from animals for 10 years today.

The unemployed 17-year old Ghengis McScrunt – a career welfare benefits scrounger currently studying for his NVQ1 in Social Stupidity - was further handed a £10 fine and a three month jail sentence, suspended for two years, for supplying a Class B drug to a domestic pet by the Smegmadale-on-Sea Magistrates Court.

The forced ganja inhalation - described by the prosecution as "not a very nice thing to do to Tiddles" - was carried out in his Mum’s Scumborough Council Estate home’s back garden and filmed on his mobile phone - then later uncovered by police investigating another matter concerning McScrunt’s involvement in getting a sheep stoned on crack prior to a perverted zoophilia dogging session with the zonked-out ovine woolyback by a gang of his pissed-up mates following an Old Headbanger lager boozing session.

On the short video clip McScrunt’s voice could be heard, in between bellows of raucous laughter, shouting: "The moggie’s stoned outa its effin’ head!"
The spaced-out cat was then pulled out of the bag and deliberately tossed over the hedge into a bordering garden where a savage and rabid Pit Bull terrier was on the prowl.

The mobile phone footage shows the cat looking cross-eyed at the dog then launching itself into attack mode and ripping out the startled canine’s throat before exiting stage left through the hedgerows at a speed normally only achieved by guided missiles.

Fellatia van der Gobble, prosecuting for the RSPCA, told the court "Putting poor Tiddles in a draw-string plastic laundry bag and then blowing cannabis smoke into it is very naughty – however this is not a first offence for young Mister McScrunt."

“He has a past history of Timothy Leary type experiments with animals and narcotic drugs starting with doping up his sister’s pet goldfish by putting their mother’s Valium in the bowl’s water.”

“This was quite a minor offence compared to adding marijuana seeds to his Granny’s pet parrot’s food – since which the poor bird has been suffering acute attacks of paranoia and shouting “I ain’t see Shergar!”

Ms. van der Gobble continued : “Last year McScrunt was given a police caution after he fed his father’s Viagra tablets to a male pygmy goat at the local kiddie’s petting zoo - after which the animal went into a drug-fired sexual frenzy and buggered a pot-bellied pig, a pair of Alpacas and a flock of geese – which traumatised several of the younger visitors who were heard exclaiming ‘Mummy Mummy – what’s Billy the Goat doing to Goosey Gander?”

Speaking to a reporter from Stoned magazine, police Inspector Jack Fuctifino confided that McScrunt had boasted to his mates of an ambition to reach the lofty criminal heights of Public Enemy Number One but had so far only achieved the rank of Public Nuisance Number Seven on the police files and - while being a total twat - was still a long way off claiming the title of local Anti-Christ.

Would you like to be stuck in a plastic bag and forced to smoke ganja? (of course - wouldn't we all) Have you seen any sign of poor Tiddles recently? Who actually let the cat out of the bag? Do you get sexually aroused when visiting petting zoos?

Send us your comments using the online form below and we’ll send you a link to the YouTube phone footage of Tiddles snuffing the Pit Bull terrier.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Brownie Guides now Terrorist Suspects

Two Smegmadale Police Community Support Officers are under investigation after they allegedly stopped and searched a six-year-old Pakistani Muslim girl using their unconstitutional anti-terrorism powers as an excuse for harassing behaviour that stinks not only of racism and religism but also what spectators classed as an act of lascivious perversion.

The plain-clothed officers are further accused of carrying out a stop and strip search on her 10-year-old sister who was accompanying the six-year-old to their Brownies meeting.

A series of complaints were filed by passers-by - who filmed the incident on mobile phones - after the girls were stopped as they walked towards the local community centre.

The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said it was taking the incident 'very seriously' when they announced a full probe was underway.
It was 'particularly worrying' that two young children had allegedly been stopped and strip-searched in the middle of Smegmadale’s High Street in broad daylight by two PCSO’s from the Renta-Thug security agency who are both listed as convicted paedophiles in the Sex Offenders Register.

Today's disclosure will heighten concern about the police's use of the Section 44 power of the Orwellian Terrorism Act of 2000 where officers can stop and search suspects without reasonable suspicion - just for a bit of a laugh or to harass darkies or Jolly Jihadi types – or – as in this particular case – to participate in a spot of perverted kiddie fiddling.

Police Commissioner Sir Pilchard Weaselberg announced last month that use of such searches would be scaled back after criticism from the Government's terrorism watchdog, Lord Jarvis Snivellington-Snide of Kuntsford, of the excessive number being carried out against non-whites around the country on the idiotic premise they might all be Muslim suicide bombers.

According to Snivellington-Snide “The British plods are so thick they can’t even tell the difference between a Brazilian electrician and a genuine Jolly Jihadi Arabic-type Muslim suicide bomber – no wonder I can’t get the wiring finished in my loft extension.”

Independent Police Complaints Commission spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gobble told Fux News that the girls – who can’t be named for legal reasons – (Famita and Indra Chuckabutty) - had been stopped by the two off-duty plain clothed PCSO’s and searched for bombs and weapons of mass destruction as they both looked like ‘very dodgy Paki types’.

“Our IPCC investigation will examine whether the use of these powers in this case was lawful, reasonable and correctly carried out.”
“However it must be remembered that these two girls were wearing militant-type dresses – and such being junior Brownie Guide Scout uniforms does not detract from the fact they were acting suspiciously by carrying a sealed biscuit tin containing what the two PCSO’s considered to be an improvised explosive device – even though it turned out to actually contain home-made mince pies.”

France’s ‘Telecom’ now Suicide Central

French Telecom workers staged protests on Thursday over a wave of a suicides that union leaders blame on the company's failure to help staff deal with the stress from restructuring (read mass firings, redundancies and lateral – more at descending - promotions).

About 10,000 employees downed pencils and rallied in Paris with 5,000 others gathering outside corporate headquarters in the city of Troyes after a 93-year-old executive stabbed himself in the back forty-seven times with a whiteboard marker after learning that he had been demoted from Vice President (Stationaries) to tea boy.

The VP – Claude de Twatte - was recovering in hospital after undergoing a self-esteem transplant but the incident came right on the heels of another worker taking his own life with a six inch desk stapler last week - becoming the 472nd French Telecom employee to commit suicide in just over 12 months.
"There is a deep feeling of revolt – it may be time for another storming of the Bastille and to dust off Madame Guillotine," union official Renault Scrunte informed Fux News.

”The VP exec’ in Troyes – Monsieur de Twatte - started from the bottom and worked himself up each rung of the career ladder. Overnight he was told that he would be doing a less interesting job – tea boy - due the need to reduce staff salaries and boost director's bonuses."

The CGT union said that French Telecom promised Thursday at a company health and safety committee meeting to suspend all restructuring measures until the end of October and hire 100 extra human resource counsellors from Samaritans to deal with suicidal staff.

The CFDT union charged last month that there was a link between the suicides and management style at French Telecom, which has been undergoing massive restructuring to become more competitive – by getting rid of 8,000 career staff members and outsourcing their duties to a call centre in Somalia.

"We want answers from French Telecom," CGT union activist Denis de Crepe Suzette told a reporter from the Merde Jour Gazette.
"There is a real problem linked to the changeover during the past three years from a publicly-owned company to one that has adopted Japanese hari-kiri-style management which constantly culls staff to bump up their bonuses.”

French Telecom's head of human resources said the company, which remains partly owned by the state – 0:5% - was stepping up training of its 20,000 ex-KGB and Stasi managers to help them detect potential suicide cases – then fire some other hapless twat with a thicker skin instead.
"I am confident that we can improve the situation," Olivier Prepuce told Le Crappe newspaper.
But he argued that the number of suicides among French Telecom's 100,000 employees was not on the rise. There were 280 suicides in 2007 and 297 in 2008 and only 536 so far in 2009 – which he views as an acceptable figure considering the recession and linked inflationary rates for job-related deaths.