According to research just published in the British Journal of Aesthetic Twatology the latest craze to displace the tanning parlour cult of looking like a darkie immigrant and contracting melanoma is undergoing surgery to create perfect vulval genitalia.
Apparently surgical procedures to improve the appearance of the female sex organ for both psychological and physical reasons are on the rise right across the UK.
Dr. Marius van der Kuntt, a resident gynaecologist at the Smegmadale Clinic for Perfect Pussies explained to a reporter from the Camel Toe Gazette that cosmetic labial surgery involves reducing the size of the vulval ‘beef curtains’ - the lips (labia minora) which cover the vaginal opening – especially so if a woman treads on them while walking about naked.
Labioplasty, as it is known, costs about £3,000 privately (per flap) and is offered for a variety of reasons. Some women complain that wearing tight clothes or riding a mountain bike or sitting astride their Sybian vibrator is uncomfortable, while others claim they are embarrassed to spread their legs in front of a sexual partner due having piss flaps like Roy Rodger’s saddle bags.
But Dutch consultant gynaecologist Fellatia Quimm and Hong Kong psychologist Yu Wan Fuk challenged the ethics of offering women surgery to address such insecurities, suggesting it was advertisements in women’s magazines for a "homogenised, pre-pubescent genital appearance" which created these anxieties in the first place – with menopausal females especially investing in surgery to have once again a ‘pussy like a teenage slapper’.
They also suggested that any pain apparently caused by protrusion of the stretched labial folds may well have a psychological root - noting that male genitalia (a swinging cock and a pair of bagged bollocks) protrude much further without causing major discomfort – unless kicked in them directly.
The number of women undergoing labioplasty nationwide is unknown as the majority of the operations are performed privately, however last year procedures on the NHS increased by 70% on the previous year to well over ten thousand.
Dr. Candida Snatch, a cosmetic surgeon who carries out not only labioplasty procedures but also vaginal suturing and hymen restorations to provide a virgin-like tighter ‘fit’, told Fux News "I haff seen women who haff serious hypertrophy and some wiv gashes like buckets due them fisting and sticking all kinds of fruits and vegetables up there – then they want to haff a tight cunt again.”
“When I haff finished they vill haff a very pretty beaver and their nookie is so very tight – like a mouse’s ear – a ‘hippopota-mouse’!”
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