Khymer Genocidist Demands Clemency

Former Khmer Rouge prison chief Douche Bagg today shocked the UN-funded war crimes tribunal by demanding to be released on the final day of his trial for crimes against humanity, shoplifting and double parking in a restricted zone.

The UN’s Chief Prosecutor, Mr. Fuk Yew Tu, told reporters that Douche’s demand had left him “shocked.”

Douche, whose real name is Sum Dum Fuk, admitted being responsible for ordering the deaths of 150,000 people who refused to acknowledge that Pol Pot’s Insta-Noodles were the best in Cambodia – but cited the tried and tested (unsuccessful) Nazi Nuremberg defence that he was simply following orders.

General Douche commanded a prison from where mega-zillions of moderate intellectuals – and anyone with an IQ that ranked in treble figures - were killed in a series of fields now known – aptly enough – as the "Killing Fields".

His demand for clemency has cast doubt over the sincerity of his earlier demands of forgiveness from the victims' families – or else – with him telling kinfolk that he knew where they all lived.

Douche Bagg, a former Phnom Penh tomcat strangler, said he had co-operated fully with the Tribunal and had been detained since 1999 – during which time he had seen the light, renounced manky Maoism as his creed and become a born-again Christian (even though brought up a Buddhist) – recently converting to the Cheeses Crust Church of Latter Day Pizzas.

Douche’s lawyer, Mr. Shao Mai Sam, confirmed he was asking to be acquitted on the grounds that he was never a senior member of the Khmer Rouge hierarchy and was simply doing his job of snuffing smart-arsed academics and university intellectuals who were far too clever for their own good.

More than 150,000 inmates are thought to have passed through the gates of Douche Bagg’s prison which was known as Uncle Pol’s Happy Camp 21.

The vast majority were tortured with loudspeaker broadcasts of the Communist Manifesto, the Thoughts of Chairman Mao and U2 albums, then coerced into confessing to imaginary crimes against the regime and forced to strangle themselves.

Several zillion Cambodians died from starvation, overwork or boredom under Potty Pol’s brutal Khmer Rouge regime in the 1970’s when they abolished religion, schools and currency in a bid to create an agrarian utopia which turned the country into a total Third World basket case where the smartest guy that could be rounded up after the genocidal purges of the intelligencia was an Angkor-based wheelbarrow mechanic with the IQ of two score and ten.

General Douche Bagg is the first of five leading Khmer Rouge figures to face the UN-backed tribunal.
The joint trial of four other - more senior - Khmer Rouge leaders of the Maoist regime that ruled Cambodia from 1975-1979 is expected to start sometime in 2015.

Douche announced at the end of his closing statement to the court : "I am an old man who simply did his job and I now have a bad back like Quasimodo’s from all the hard labour and am deserving of sympathy - thus I am demanding the Tribunal to now release me so I can appear in the celebrity spots on Strictly Come Dancing and the X Factor - thank you very much."

Obviously Douche’s attempt to elicit sympathy fell on barren ground with the Tribunal Prosecutor advising him that ‘sympathy’ was in the dictionary – located somewhere between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.