Sunday, 31 January 2010

PC Jobsworth Tops UK Hate Parade – Again

A Smegmadale-on-Sea van driver has been fined for blowing his nose - by the same shit-for-brains plod who ticketed a woman for littering in 2009 when she dropped a £10 note out of her back pocket by accident.

When bespoke craftsman tortoise polisher Bazzer Scrunt found himself stuck in a queue of traffic with a runny nose, he instinctively pulled on the handbrake, knocked the van out of gear and reached for his hankie.
However, the simple act of pulling out an innocent snotrag and blowing his beak earned him a £60 on-the-spot fine because he was 'not in proper control of his vehicle'.

Police Constable Ghengis McTwat (nicknamed PC Shiny Buttons for his nasty and officious Gestapo-style approach to the job) also handed out three points - even though Mr Scrunt had his handbrake on and was stopped in a long queue of traffic awaiting the town’s notoriously slow Kuntford Junction traffic lights to change to green so he could proceed.

Now Mr Scrunt, a 96-year-old father-of-fourteen, faces a potentially expensive legal battle to clear his name after vowing not to pay the fine and declaring himself ready to join the august ranks of the celebrated 13th Century Smegmadale Martyrs – who suffered ‘death by buggery’ at the hands of the despotic King John’s seneschals for refusing to pay the exploitive ‘Duck Tax’.

However, Bazzer Scrunt is simply the latest victim of PC McTwat, who is himself no stranger to controversy concerning his policing duties.

A few months ago, this same zealous officer issued a £50 fixed penalty fine for littering to unemployed Candida Mingerot, who accidentally dropped a £10 note in the street as she left a Pound Stretcher outlet.

In 2008 PC McTwat was responsible for the arrest of two Moroccan campers who were waiting for a ride at one of Smegmashire's Doggers Forest bus stops and charged them with ‘loitering with a tent’ – apparently justified as McTwat considered them “dodgy Arab beardie types wot might be up ter no good.”

PC McTwat has been previously reprimanded by the Smegmashire force’s Chief Constable for harassing a mock turtle in a local pet shop window and was demoted back to the rank of PCSO Pavement Licker for six months.

Conversely McTwat told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “This bloke Scrunt’s one of yer typical white van driver scumbags wot woz stopped in traffic an’ had a Smegmadale Window Lickers football club decal stuck on his windscreen holding up the tax disc.”

“Nobody’s forgot their last winnin’ match against my team - Luton Gimps United – an’ when he starts takin’ his effin’ hands off the wheel an’ blowin’ his effin’ nose then that simply took the biscuit – especially so as it constitutes a direct and blatant contravention of the EUSSR’s ‘Nose Blowing Act’ of 2009”

Ms. Fellattia van der Gamm, a Harley Street clinical psychologist, was hired by the Neo-Nazi Gazette to construct a psychological profile of PC McTwat, which the tabloid news sheet hopes will assist Mr Scrunt win his court case – if the DPP – against all better judgement – decides - it is in the public interest to prosecute the driver.

One Smegmadale police whistleblower who spoke with Dr van der Gamm on conditions of anonynimity (PC 28439 Tittletattle) opined 'Total nonsense like this is the very opposite of good policing. McTwat is known as PC Shiny Buttons for his lack of common sense approach to the job.”
'It is supposed to be about serving and protecting the public - not embarking on some petty personal power trip.'

According to Dr Gamm’s diagnosis, PC McTwat, a former Luton Council tomcat strangler, suffers from an egocentric complex due a lack of self esteem and having no toys as a child – coupled to erectile dysfunction - which is why he turned out to be such a total wanker.

Dr. Gamm continued “What we have here is a person for whom the English language lacks the necessary lexicon to describe him – and his pathological egocentric condition. His head is so far up his own arse he can’t see the wood for the trees.”
“While he may well be the product of a broken home – which he probably broke – he should never have been allowed to join the ranks of any official body where he has power over other members of society.”

“PC McTwat is the perfect stereotype candidate – an arrogant power-hungry pisspot – excuse me – despot – with a sadistic streak who would jump at the chance of volunteering to turn on the concentration camp shower’s Zyklon B valves and light the gas ovens.”

“I suppose the general public should count itself lucky PC McTwat’s not a member of the Met’s SO19 Armed Response unit otherwise there would be no Brazilians nor electricians left alive around London.”

"This is yet another shocking example of educationally sub-normal clots being recruited into the police force and harassing innocent motorists simply because they are an easy target.”

"To suggest that a driver could be prosecuted for blowing his nose while stopped in a traffic queue – or pulled over and cautioned for laughing while driving as per demonstrated in Merseyside last year - is ludicrous beyond belief.”

“Whatever next? Can we expect to hear of people being stopped for sneezing or coughing while they are at the wheel?"
”Even if the PC is an idiot you would expect at least one of his superiors to recognise this is nonsense and put a stop to it – but alas this appears not to be the case.”

So, nose-blowing, gobbing, laughing, farting or whatever – perhaps ‘blowing’ in general might end up as a criminal offence.
Remember all the shit that hit the proverbial media fan when it became public knowledge that Monica Lewinsky had been ‘blowing’ Dodger Bill Clinton in the Oral – sorry – Oval - Office.

Have you ever been pulled over by the plods for committing some stupid offence while driving – such as scratching your crotch or looking at road signs? Are you paranoid about your facial expressions or body language while driving?

Do you suffer from any psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or an extreme irrational mistrust of people in blue uniforms? Do you believe Plods only wear stab vests as 95% of the public would like to knife them?

Send us your thoughts and comments by entering our 'Win a Hankie' competition using the online form below and we’ll have the EUSSR’s Brussels' office conjure up a new daft traffic law to target you personally.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

Why Your TV Licence Fee is Astronomical

The BBC Trust chairman, Sir Sheldon Weaselberg, claimed more than £33,000 on expenses in the six months to the end of March, including £1,260 on a ‘disco lap dancing limousine’ ride home from London to Birmingham after last year's televised Strictly Come Thieving awards.

In total, 13 BBC trustees claimed £78,394 on dodgy expenses in the six months to the end of March – an increase of some £75,000 from the previous year.

The trustees spent almost £30,000 on accommodation, £14,593 on cabs and "long distance luxury limo’s", £18,754 on first class RattleTrack rail travel and £8,327 on ice cream, condoms and pirate copy DVD’s.

Weaselberg's expenses were the biggest by far, coming to £33,567. Of that figure, £14,567 was paid to the Albanian-run ‘Rub n Tug Limo Service’ of Soho, and £19,116 on other other nefarious expenses including almost £10,000 on visiting massage services and male prostitutes from the elite ‘Catamite Agency’.

Weaselberg also shared a £10,445 bill for a Christmas drinks reception jointly hosted with the BBC director general, Mark van der Kuntt, for "invited external guests and stakeholders". The rowdy piss-up and tit-ogling session staged on the 10th December last year was held at the BBC’s Scumbag House headquarters in central London.

Previously CEO of the City’s prestigious ‘Embezzlers SA’ hedge fund which went bankrupt during the collaspse of the chaotic financial markets last year, earning him a mega-bucks golden handshake, Weaselberg told a reporter from the Fiddlers Gazette “Well, if our MP’s can get away with their fraudulent expenses, why can’t we?”

“I mean to say, what is wrong with me buying a £300 designer exercise wheel for my pet hamster when Sir Peter Sniggers MP can have a taxpayer-funded duck island with gazebo built in his back garden pond for Titch and Quackers.”

However the hordes of unwashed common peasants that comprise the British public have taken umbridge and are questioning why their exorbitant TV licence fees - which primarily fund the BBC – are being squandered by hedonistic moochers like Weaselberg – whom they view as a part of that percentage of the silver spoon elitist fraternity that uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are stealing from.

Bazzer McTwat, head of the public oversight body ‘Scumwatch’ told a reporter from Fux News “BBC Trust my effin’ arse – how can yer ‘Trust’ a light-fingered git like Weaselberg?”

“Once again here we are presented with several examples of their shameless and absurd sense of entitlement of dipping their greedy paws into the taxpaying general public’s proletariat purse.”

“It’s no effin’ wonder the Beeb can’t afford to produce any quality documentaries or plays anymore and we ‘re all stuck watchin’ re-hashed crap from the 1960’s if these so-called ‘Trust’ leeches are bleedin’ them dry.”

The ‘untrustable’ trustee with the next biggest expenses claim was Alison Hoggitt with £12,762, followed by Jeremy Filch-Perks with £11,654, and Janet Leigh Pilfering with £10,806.

Sir Dermot Numpty clocked in as the most frugal, claiming just £42 for inner tubes, a rear tyre and puncture repair vulcanising patches for his push bike which he used as transport to facilitate his BBC Trust duties around the countryside.

Hmmm, just what Diogenes went searching for in vain – an honest man.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Who Needs Job Qualifications?

The latest and greatest politically correct bullshit legislation to emerge from the EUSSR’s Brussels’ ‘Ministry for Stupid Regulations’ Fuhrerbunker is directing employers not to post adverts for ‘Reliable Workers’ as it discriminates against the ‘Unreliable’.

Breaches of this stellar piece of bureaucratic idiocy carry heavy fines and a possible three month custodial sentence due such being legally interpreted as prejudicial - and marginalising individuals and groups that lack quality higher educations and the necessary training to achieve skills that would secure them employment in society’s upper echelon professions.

Recruitment agency manager Fellattia van der Gobble was especially careful to ensure her advert for hospital workers did not offend on grounds of race, religion, age, disability or sexual orientation. However, she hadn't reckoned on discriminating against a wholly different section of the community - the completely useless.

Ms. van der Gobble, director of Deadwood Recruitment was stunned when a branch of the Jobcentre Plus in Twatford, Norfolk, said she could not include the phrase 'reliable and hard working' in her advert because it could be construed not only as offensive but also discriminatory against ‘unreliable’ and ‘lazy’ people.

Fellatti told a reporter from the Idle Gits Weekly “During my 35 years in job recruitment I’ve heard anything so ridiculous. If the matter wasn't so serious I would laugh my bollocks off – if I had a pair.”

So, God help the medical, legal, teaching and other professions if this absurd nonsense takes hold and offenders are dragged before the Equality and Human Rights Inquisition for breaches or infringements.

Such a ‘politically correct’ regulation thus equates to mean the police and security companies can no longer advertise for ‘Honest’ job applicants as it will obviously discriminate against dishonest applicants - and the criminal classes in general.

NHS adverts for cardiac surgeons can no longer detail the fact the applicant should preferably have prior medical training and an extensive knowledge of the blood circulatory system and human anatomy.

Further, adverts for posts in the teaching profession must abstain from the phrase ‘Must like children’ as it will be construed as prejudicial to those misanthropic members of society who detest adolescents - and conversely present an open invitation to attract raving paedophiles.

Job descriptions in an advert such as that for a laboratory biochemist can not longer post the criterion "Must have at least a First Degree in Biological Sciences including Biochemistry" lest it offends and discriminates against those who fail the criterion as they couldn’t be arsed ever going to school and only ever achieved an NVQ 1 in delivering gratis newspapers and Chew n Spew restaurant fliers.

Conversely 16-year old Ghengis McTwat, an unemployed nose-picker from Smegmadale-on-Sea, posted a related comment on the Jobcentre’s website.

”Bravo and well done Jobcentre Plus!”
It's about time someone stood up for the lazy. Being a very lazy person myself I've found we are a very discriminated section of society.”
“I've been unfairly sacked on many occasions for doing nothing at work and employers never seem to take my laziness into consideration.”

“I believe we should now go to the next stage. Employers should provide beds for lazy staff, as I've found some companies only supply chairs that are totally unsuitable for dossing and after a night playing on 'X Box’ – and I need 4 or 5 hours catch-up sleep when I get to work purely for health and safety reasons.”

Thursday, 28 January 2010

The Secret of Moaning Lisa’s Enigmatic Smirk

For centuries art historians – and too His Regal Nastiness, the Emperor Napoleon - have stood to ponder and hypothesise over the Moaning Lisa's sphinxian smile – and what Leonardo actually saw and was thinking at the time his charcoal crafted her mouth.

Reflecting on her infamous foul temperament, was this Cheshire cat grin the result of wind, the lack of a frontal denture – or had she just finished playing suck and swallow with the bisexual master artist?

For Professor Guido Fuctifino, head of forensic pathological anatomy at Bolognasti University, Moaning Lisa shows clear signs of constipation – most probably due the customary diet of olives, donkey meat, raw Savoy cabbage, turnips and Chianti - and she might well have just dropped an especially gnarly fart – or taken a massive dump before ‘assuming her pose’ - hence the visible facial relief.

Conversely, according to the renowned Tuscan art historian Dr. Luigi Pepperoni, Lisa was the wife of a wealthy Florentine silk merchant - Francesco del Giocondo – and while the early 16th Century Italian Renaissance period painting has, through the passage of centuries, earned such complimentary titles as La Joconde - and too the derogatory La Slappera (the Moocher) – it has – on the one hand - been almost unanimously acclaimed as the mythical embodiment of eternal femininity – a work of spiritual and mystic significance – while on the other, critics have pilloried Mrs. Giocondo as just another cheap Gherardini family scrubber out on the cadge - who would throw anyone and their dog a smile - and drop her knickers - for a couple of ducats.

Dr. Pepperoni makes reference to reams of letters and folios that passed between various branches and members of the extensive Giocondo family in which Francesco’s missus is repeatedly labelled with the unkind sobriquet of ‘Moaning Lisa’ due her constant whingeing.

However, after accessing and researching Pepperoni’s documents, Professor Fuctifino claims his medical examinations reveal more than artistic viewings, and he believes Lisa might well have earned her nickname as a whining twat due an acute chronic condition of strangulated haemorrhoids – caused by rampant anal sex with multiple dogging partners during her adolescent years.

Per contra, Leonardo Da Vinci's 16th Century portrait of Moaning Lisa was not the only work of art to receive the Professor's medical diagnosis.

He also suggests the facial blemishes in Botticelli's ‘Portrait of a Scabby Youth’ reveal the Papal catamite was not stricken with adolescent acne but rather these unsightly marks were healed chancre scars from the condition of Tertiary syphilis.

Professor Fuctifino has even diagnosed the artist Michelangelo himself - depicted in Raphael's ‘The School of Athens’ – wherein he deduces from a combination of visual examinations and reference to historical documents that his swollen knees in the painting might well appear to indicate excessive uric acid - and gout - but in fact were a result of getting a good kicking the previous day from the Pope’s Swiss bodyguards for dragging out the redecorating of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling from the requested quick once-over cheapo paint job into a protracted career duration work of art.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Why Haiti?

Yes, why indeed are the Illuminati elitist fraternity thugs – possessed by an absurd inherited sense of entitlement - targeting poverty-stricken Haiti with their nasty HAARP arrays to cause a devastating earthquake and thus generate a ‘disaster zone’ scenario wherein they can invade the island republic en masse in the name of delivering “humanitarian aid’?

Believe it or not a table-rattling 7.0 reading on the Richter scale isn’t that strong a quake – but every fucking thing around Port au Prince fell over and collapsed due the shithouse structural strength of the buildings and lack of rebar and quality cement in the concrete – not to mention the lesser mud hut habitations and squatter shanties.

But the Yanks were on the ball with aid relief in the form of thousands of assault troops kitted up like an army of occupation all ready and raring to go several days before the quake struck. Now there’s Occidental foresight for you.

Thus it’s little wonder President O’Barmy needs an extra 30,000 troops to reinforce General Billy Bob McChrystal’s US Cannon Fodder Regiments in Afghanistan if he’s diverted 15,000 to Haiti to help dispense Shock n Awe Red Cross food parcels – and establish permanent military bases.

So, what has Penury Island got that the greedy grasping neo-con Zionists running the US want so badly?

Well, apart from the massive deposits of unexploited offshore oil and gas around the island, terrestrial geological survey reports indicate the presence of huge accumulations of rare earth elements and minerals – the so-called hen’s teeth mega-bucks Unobtaniums – with a very nuclear ‘uranium’ topping the list.

But for that group of Mamon-worshipping Imperialist inbred mutant scum that uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are suppressing and stealing from it’s not just about the mineral wealth and natural resources.

Actually it’s all symbolic and the black Haitians will never be forgiven for their ungrateful audacity in kicking out their rightful white Masters – the cheese-eating French surrender monkeys - in 1791.

This was the year the negroes of the colony of Saint Domingue – under the leadership of Rastus O’Dinga Jaffacake – who had risen up in unison in the first successful slave rebellion since the time of Spartacus – defeated and duly evicted the French barbarians and brought about the elimination of slavery - plus the establishment of Haiti as the first republic ruled by people of African ancestry.

Now they’ve been taught yet another belated lesson – ‘Don’t fuck with Whitey – or else’.

Obviously the US-generated acts of brutal bio-warfare experiments - specifically infecting the majority of the Haitian population with AIDS in purposely contaminated World Health Organisation hepatitis vaccinations during the early 1980’s - wasn’t considered punishment enough for their earlier 18th Century transgressions.

From the corrupt kleptocratic leadership of US puppet Papa Doc Duvalier – followed by that of his porcine basket case son Baby Doc – Haiti has been subjected to continual privations by a grudge-bearing West for the heinous crime of throwing off the yoke of extortionate and suppressive servitude from the cradle to the grave.

Ah well, magic is as magic does, so being the West Indian home of Dahomean voodoo they can always cast a few Baron Samedi type curses on their Kenyan brown brother in the White House – and his gang of career criminal kike underlings. Ain’t payback just a real bitch.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

D-Notice Slammed on Kelly Inquest Report

Vital evidence which would solve the mystery of the dodgy death of Government weapons inspector Dr David Kelly will now be kept under wraps for all Eternity – a time period of similar duration to the Biblical ‘Forever and Ever, Amen’ span – according to Sir Marmaduke Bogbrush, the official Parliamentary whistleblower.

In a draconian and highly suspicious decree, Lord Mutton, the peer who chaired the controversial inquiry into the scientist’s death, acting on a directive from Sir Marmaduke Koverup at the Ministry of Whitewash, has secretly ordered – in true Stalinist fashion - that any and all mention of Doctor David Kelly be immediately expunged from the official records, history books, the House of Conmans toilet’s grafitti wall, Wikipedia - and especially Google.

This includes the eradication of archived files relating to Kelly’s birth certificate, church christening entry, marriage certificate, grammar school reports, university degrees, passport applications, council tax payments, driving license - and most definitely his medical records and the tampered and concocted results of the ‘in camera’ post mortem examination.

It should be remembered that Dr Kelly was smeared by the members of Bliar’s government who publicly revealed it was he who had leaked the story - that the ‘weapons of mass distraction’ dossier was a crude work of fiction and more at scent than substance - to the Daily Shitraker’s Chlamydia Muffrot - the celebrated investigative reporter and author of the best-selling biography of Russian oligarch Oleg Mobsaroubles – ‘The Devil Reads Pravda’.

Speaking to the press outside the Cock and Bull Tavern, ex-New Labour spin doctor and career scumbag Alastair Scambell ventured that Lord Mutton’s imposition of a D-Notice basically puts an end to the scandal that did surround this now unmentionable non-person - (Dr. David Kelly - RIP) – and makes it a criminal offence under the Terrorism Act to even mention his name in the company of polite society.

Scambell informed Pox News “The sneaky whistle-blowing twat only stage-managed his suicide in that manner to make it appear as though he’d been murdered and thus cause a whole shitpile of trouble for us boys running Downing Street and Whitehall – and trying our fucking best to keep the Middle East British.”

The move, which has already re-stoked the conspiratorial fires of speculation about the true circumstances of Dr. Unmentionable’s death, comes just days before Tony Bliar is due to appear before the Chilcot Inquiry into the illegal invasion of Iraq to present a prima facie smorgasbord of mis-truths, factual distortions and absolute bare-faced lies to justify the overthrow of another sovereign nation’s leadership and government in the name of Zionist neo-colonial expansion and commercial profit.

But for Bliar and the Chilcot Inquiry, there’s no ifs or buts about it – to initiate a war of aggression is not only an international crime – it’s the supreme international crime against humanity – and Bliar’s as guilty as all Hell.

Only now has it emerged that a week after his inquiry was completed, Lord Mutton took this unprecedented covert action to ensure all vital evidence that proved Downing Street ordered Dr. Unmentionable’s murder remained a state secret forever.

One set of documents leaked to The Daily Shitraker revealed that a vital witness statement not produced in evidence at the inquiry concerned the written testimony and photographs provided by a certain Mr. Arthur Scrunt, an ardent bird watcher who was concealed in his hide in Dogger’s Wood on the afternoon of Dr. Unmentionable’s demise – and not only observed but photgraphed three typical MI6 types attack and snuff the doctor - then leave his lifeless body propped up against a tree.

Unfortunately Mr. Scrunt was unable to appear at the Mutton Inquiry to testify due falling victim to an extraordinary hit-and-run accident and suffering fatal injuries while mowing his front lawn.

Bazzer McTwat, leader of the ‘Justice for Dr. Kelly’ movement yesterday informed the gutter press he had now established the ‘Justice for Dr. Unmentionable’ movement in compliance with Lord Mutton’s D-Notice.

McTwat told a reporter from Fux News “The inquest into Dr Unmentionable's death got suspended before it could begin on the orders of Tony Bliar’s big mate Lord Falconer – wot was Lord Chancellor at the time. He used the Coroners Act to designate the Mutton Inquiry as 'fulfilling the function of an inquest' – wot scored an all-time high on the Bullshitometer – just to cover Bliar’s guilty arse.”

“We all know Dr. Unmentionable got snuffed before he let any more cats out of the top secret bag and dropped Bliar and Bush and Co. right in the shit for the dodgy weapons of mass distraction dossier and illegally invading Iraq – just ter please their Zionist bosses.”

“Now Mutton’s slapped a D-Notice on the entire issue wot carries the legislative constraints of the Official Secrets Act, the Prevention of Terrorism Act, the Police and Criminal Evidence Act, the Contempt of Court Act, and laws relating to obscenity, libel, race relations, sedition, incitement to disaffection and treason - amongst others – and then have the bare-face audacity to turn around and inform the public and the Fourth Estate they’ve got nothing to hide.”

“So, once again here we have the sleaze-ridden serial scumbags of the ‘New Labour’ (sic) party leadership kowtowing to the Zionist Illuminati’s military ruling class – them wot manages and owns the global media and uses it to control public perceptions of reality and fiction.”

“Here they’ve got caught manipulating senior jukebox civil servants – specifically the highly pliable Lord Mutton – and working against the good of, and the best interests of, the British voting public by coercing the said Lord Mutton to bar the release of all medical records, including the real and true results of the Dr. Unmentionable’s post mortem – and order them to be kept secret in perpetuity.”

”Lord Morton Mutton’s a disgrace to justice and a disgrace to the most basic human decency – that’s why Tony Bliar stuck the twat in charge of the inquiry. As fer Bliar, I’ve always considered the English language lacks the necessary words to describe him and his sick condition. History will not remember him and his ilk kindly.”

Monday, 25 January 2010

UK Terrorist Threat Raised to 'Arrrhhhggg!'

The UK terror threat level is being raised from "Substantial" to "Scary" according to a report just leaked by whistleblowers at MI6’s top secret False Flag Op’s and Propaganda Department.

A banner headline article in this morning’s ‘Cry Wolf Gazette’ claims this could well be the worst terror threat to menace the UK since the last terror threat.

That occurred over the Christmas holidays and prompted airport security authorities to raise a ‘Paranoia 1’ alert and impose the forced removal of departing passengers’ jockey shorts, knickers and skimpy thongs after a brainwashed Nigerian – Muhammad bin Patsy - posing as an al Qaeda suicide martyr - attempted to blow up an in-flight commercial aircraft by setting fire to his Jimmy Choo Choo designer skiddies – but fortunately only succeeded in singeing his own pubes.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, New Labour’s recently-appointed Minister for Jingoism & Scaremongering, informed Fux News that al Qaeda leaders - now relocated to the Yemen to take advantage of the cheaper cave rent rates - had kitted out hundreds of suicide volunteers with high explosive ‘Crotch Bombs’ to wreak devastation on the infidel West – and their own genitalia – in a supreme New Year effort to destabilize our hated Democracy and liberal freedoms.

Sheldon Weaselberg, chief of the Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre (JTAC) - a Rothshite-funded 24/7 agency based in Tel Aviv – has spent the past few days analysing the imminent threat of Islamic extremist terrorist attacks on British targets.

The JTAC has now concluded there’s been enough attention paid to the victims of the HAARP-engineered earthquake that accidentally struck Haiti instead of Iran a couple of weeks ago – an unfortunate incident which has by now provided a plethora of media coverage to facilitate public distraction from the real-time covert issues threatening their very existences.

Weaselberg advised Downing Street it’s now time to get the UK’s useless-eating peasants focused back on nasty Islamic terrorist threats and constantly looking over their shoulders before they become engrossed by the imminent General Election fiasco - and the banks go tits up in yet another Busby Berkeley spectacular insolvency extravaganza.

Minister Bogbrush told the gutter press the new alert level means another 7/7/2005 false flag terrorist attack by manky Mossad agents is considered "highly likely" to provide the Labour Party with some modicum of election credibility in being able to efficiently deal with a national crisis and not make a total fuck of things as they did in the past by snuffing every foreign-looking electrician in the Greater London area.

Bogbrush continued "We still face a real and serious threat to the UK from international terrorists, so I urge the public to remain vigilant and keep reporting suspicious goings-on about dodgy Muslim neighbours to their local council’s Snoop n Snitch Officers or simply dial 999 and get through to the Border Agency’s Xenophobia Division.”

The UK currently maintains five levels of terror threat, ranging from ‘Sweet FA’ - meaning any further attacks are unlikely as the Met’s SO19 Armed Response Squad has just snuffed all suspicious-looking Islamic terrorists disguised as Brazilians - to ‘Shit Scared’ - when a nuclear Sneezy Pig Flu bomb attack is expected in the next couple of hours.

The current ‘Scary’ level is next to the top of the scale and means all good Christian God-fearing public citizens and patriots should stay well clear of evil infidel mosques, caves, the London Underground - and especially the No 30 Stagecoach ‘Hackney Wick to Marble Arch’ bus route – particularly when the bus takes an unprecedented detour via Tavistock Square.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

US Assault Rifle Sights Blessed by God?

A staggering expose has this week been published following a joint investigation by the UK’s premier gutter press tabloid ‘The Daily Shitraker’ and the Zurich-based ‘Warmonger’s Gazette’ monthly.

Both respected publications reveal that coded references to Biblical and other religious passages have been methodically and purposely inscribed on gunsights widely used by NATO’s Coalition of the Bloodthirsty military forces in Iraq and Afghanistan – and Yemen – and Somalia – and by the IDF in Gaza – and anywhere else aggressive warfare pays big dividends for the Zionist bullies.

The markings on the ACOG Night Vision scope include "2COR4:6" and "JN8:12", relating to verses in the Biblical books of II Corinthians and John.

The Gospel of St. John 8:12 reads: "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but shalt see his enemies coming and slay them with a single arrow."

The nod to part of the second letter of Paul to the Corinthians, found on the company's Reflex Snuff-a-Raggie sight, references the text: "For God, who proclaimed, 'Let light shine out of darkness and make his arrows fly true from our bows to smite the Saracen scum in the name of Christ.”

Spot-a-Wog Corporation, the US-based manufacturer, was founded by a devout Christian gospel preacher – Reverend Billy Bob McTwat - and his Scots scientist cousin Ghengis Kuntt – an optical engineering genius renowned as the inventor of the clockwork haggis peeler and cat's eyes that wink in the dark.
This pair of religious zealots prophetically proclaimed the infidel and heathen hordes of the world as the future army of the Anti-Christ Incarnate – especially so the followers of Islam and African pagan Juju men.

Now the issue has been thrust into the spotlight by the US Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) - an advocacy group that seeks to preserve the separation of church and state in the military – apart from when it comes to funerals.

MRFF spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gamm told Fux News the inscriptions could provide the Taliban and other infidel enemy forces with a significant propaganda tool.
"Everyone is worried that if they were captured in combat the enemy would use the Bible quotes against them in captivity or as some other form of coercive propaganda."

Conversely Spot-a-Wog’s CEO – Jim Bob McTwat - told the media the company "has been working to provide America's military men and women with high quality, innovative sighting systems for the weapons they use so they can snuff a heathen with every round fired.”

"As part of our faith and our belief in service to our country, Spot-a-Wog has put scriptural references on our products for more than two decades to prove that God is personally on our side.”

"As long as we have men and women in danger while waging our neo-colonial imperialist wars we'll continue to do everything we can to provide them with both state-of-the-art technology and the never-ending support and prayers of a grateful military-industrial complex and the Zionist banking community.”

However, in a letter sent to US President Barky O’Barmy on Thursday, the head of the Interfaith Alliance – Ms. Jennie Cidal - stated the gunsights "clearly violate" the Geneva Convention – much as does everything else the Coalition of the Bloodthirsty puts its hand to.”
"Images of American soldiers as Christian Crusaders come to mind when they are carrying weaponry bearing such verses – slaughtering Muslims by the wagonload.”

The raised lettering religious references on the ACOG gunsights are, in the main, taken from the Old Testament - which pacifist critics have been quick to point out was copied from the bloodthirsty Jewish Torah.

The D7:1 reference on one batch of Reflex sights tags Deuteronomy 7:1 – which embraces genocide and proclaims righteous warriors to ‘Snuff the scabby Saracens’.

2K18:27 references the Old Testament’s 2 Kings 18:27 – where enemies should be made to “drink the piss and eat the shit” of the victors – definitely a Geneva Convention no-no after the deviant debacles and scatalogical scandals of Abu Ghraib's ‘Shock and Awe’ extravaganza. .

Going right out on a fragile limb of the Political Correctness tree, the inscribed codex N31:18 refers directly to Numbers 31:18 – which not only urges but divinely licenses victorious Jewish warriors to engage in acts of kiddie fiddling and paedo’ sodomy with the captured youthful progeny of their vanquished enemies.

Hmmmm, that Biblical go-ahead should suit the sadistic pederasts comprising the ranks of the US military and their brutal Renta-Thug Slackwater / XE mercenary buddies right down to the ground.

To close, the reference M19:12 on Spot-a-Wog’s ACOG Reflex gunsights alludes directly to the New Testament’s Gospel of Matthew 19:12 – which specifically recommends castrating one’s enemies so they can’t breed any further aggie members of their tribe that might become future vengeful nuisances.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Prince William Meets the Antipodeans

Prince William has been kept ‘officially busy’ and out of London’s nocturnal fleshpots this past couple of weeks due running errands for his Granny down-under - and enjoying a right Royal Mooching session to boot.

Kicking off his grand tour in New Zealand, the future king participated in rounds of traditional Maori snotty nose-rubbing Hongis – and too several Hangi’s (pit barbeques) served up with helpings of the suspicious-sounding ‘fairy bread’ – then mingled with the slack-jawed multitudes of IQ-deficient spectators - patting legions of ethnic minority peasants on the head and asking them “Have you come far?”

One cheeky reporter from Christchurch’s Daily Shitraker gutter press news tabloid shouted “Hey matey, is it right you’re the effin’ Anti-Christ?” - to which the Prince just smiled - and threw him the Evil Eye and the Horns of Satan.

Then young Prince Willy was off to pastures new - on the cadge and glad-handing around Aussie.
His three-day trip to Australia included visits to an outback ranch where he donned a pair of wellies and became a member of the Antipodean Sheepshaggers Society.

During a visit to Sydney's Royal Botanic Gardens – where a roast emu barbie was held in his honour - the Prince, alike his numpty father Charlie, chatted with several exotic potted plants and enjoyed a few intimate private moments fondling a koala bear.

However a visit to Holdsworthy Army Base near Sydney appears to have been the publicity highlight to the Prince’s Aussie tour.

Wills, in the true Royal tradition, being a congenital bloodthirsty homicidal maniac - a character trait inherited from his Greek grandfather Phillip - was invited to demonstrate his ‘killer instinct’ and marksmanship at the Airborne Dingbat Brigade’s shooting range – much to the delight of accompanying news hacks who later sang his praises as a ‘Master Sniper’

Commenting on the Prince’s marksmanship, Colonel Rupert Lickspittle, 96, commander of #2 Toady Company, told Pox News "If we had soldiers come in and do that on their first day they would be a master rifleman of sniper quality in a couple of weeks. Young Willy’s got eyes like a shithouse rat.”
“Er - does that bit of brown-nosing qualify me for a Knighthood or a mention in the Queen’s Honours list?”

Will’s shooting skills were further praised by Australian troops who had been promised a couple of cases of cold stubbies by the Royal Equerry if they said something nice about the Prince’s performance and didn’t laugh.

Lance Corporal Bruce McBruce told Fux News “The Prince is effin’ dynamite – he hit every target we threw up at him – including the half-pissed Abo’ Bungs who can actually run like hell across the butts when yer start firing tracer rounds at them.”

Not wishing to piss on anyone’s bonfire, but of course William hit the fucking targets.
Kitted out with a Belgian FN F89 Minimi 5.56 x 45 mm bipod-mounted light machine gun – a weapon equipped with a recoilless shoulder pad, further fitted with a C79 telescopic sight and loaded with a 100-round M27 disintegrating-link belt of ammo – and a firing rate of 1,100 rounds per minute cyclic - plus an effective range of one thousand yards – how the fuck could he miss anything when firing at targets a mere fifty meters away.

Wills had the further significant advantage of not being bothered by distractions – such as the Taliban or some other annoying Muslim terrorist cunt firing back at him.

For Christ’s sake, David Blunkett could hit the fucking target with that rig and setup – even without Sadie spotting for him.

But as the Brit’s are fond of saying “Bless” – for the clot might just side-step his numpty father and be the next King.

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Friday, 22 January 2010

Skewed News Views Roundup

Mr Bogbrush Jaffacake, Chairman of the Indian Premier League, and his esteemed colleague Mr Dingbat Chuckabutty of the Chennai Super Scammers, have announced their plans to export cricket to the United States.

However the likelihood of such ever becoming a reality is being bandied around and questioned even in polite social circles.
To wit, can a bunch of shit-for-brains redneck Yanks ever take cricket to heart – with critics at Britain’s prestigious MCC posing the most relevant question of : why bother?

Considering the total fuck up the colonial clots have made of our beloved sport of Rugby: now reformatted as A-merican football – and too the traditional English schoolgirl game of ‘Rounders’ – which they’ve turned into a free-for-all faggot match called ‘Baseball’- what cultural devastation are they likely to visit upon the historic and noble sport of cricket?

The mind boggles to ponder, when to the majority of IQ-deficient Ham Shanks, the name Cricket is synonymous with that of a discount rates mobile phone company.

…………………………………..

Now the UK is in the run-up to a General Election by mid-year and we can finally get shut of the bunch of lying twats who currently comprise the ranks of the incumbent New Labour party – and the scheming Peter Scandalson - BBC’s Radio One is launching a novel political programme to get inside the heads of the wannabe candidates who mean to run for High Office.

Titled ‘Duck Island Discs’, the slot will be broadcast live from the House of Conmans and concentrate on prospective MPs and too those disgraced in the recent excessive expenses scandal – questioning what juicy criminal materials they might have stored on data sticks and secreted CDs.

It was hoped to open the programme season by interviewing ‘Mr Duck Island’ himself – Sir Peter Sniggers – but apparently he will be busy helping police with their inquiries and spending some time in retreat from society – at Her Majesty’s Pleasure – in the dodgy MP’s wing of HM Scumbag Prison – quite possibly squatting in the same cell once occupied by such political sleazebags and serial liars as Jonathan Aitken and Jeffery Archer.

The disgraced – albeit brass-necked - ex-MP Neil ‘The Wheel’ Hamilton and his super-slapper wife Christine volunteered their celebrity presences as guests on the show’s pilot until they were informed there was no huge fee forthcoming and told the Beeb to ‘Stick it!’

…………………………….

Formula One world racing champion Jenson Button is to be made an honorary citizen of his home town in Scumerset and have a new footbridge named after him.
Members of Frome Town Council voted to give him the civic honour in recognition of his achievements of driving cars very fast and repeatedly breaking the speed limit.

Mayor Morton Scrunt told a reporter from the Numpty News Review "The footbridge is going to be built across Frome High Street – connecting the Fighting Dog & Pikey pub with the Greasy Cod chippy an’ do away with the old pelican crossing thingie due our pensioner types getting clobbered by cars on a daliy basis cos they don’t wait for the little green man to flash.”

“Anyway we thought it would be a good idea to name it ‘The Frome Flyer’ – but our local postman’s already been awarded that title delivering mail on his red bike – so we the decided on the Benjamin Button MBE Memorial Footbridge – an’ we’re going to have bright red, yellow an’ black go-faster stripes right along it – just like his Formula One Brawn FO108W Mercedes."

“Personally I wanted to put young Jenson up for a Nobel Prize but apparently they don’t do one fer motor racing – yet.”

…………………………………………..

Following a bout of arm-twisting and an extremely painful Chinese burn administered by party leader Posh Dave Cameron, the Tory Shadow Chancellor Georgie Osborne has agreed to repay to the House of Conmans’ piggy bank the £1,936 he fiddled on his MP’s expenses.

The expenses anomaly was scrutinised and investigated by Parliament's Standards Commissioner and related directly to Osborne’s second home allowance claims after a complaint was received from an anonymous back-stabbing Labour party whistleblower (John ‘Who ate all the Pies’ Prescott).

The inquiry discovered that not only was Osborne not entitled to claim for a ‘second home’ allowance, he wasn’t even entitled to claim for a ‘first home’ as he lives in the garden shed behind his Mum’s ground floor council flat in east London’s Skidrow Hamlets.

Osbourne told reporters he was sorry he’d been caught with his sticky fingers in the till and would be more careful next time – especially when he’s appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer in June.

…………………………………………..

Across the globe, in the South-East Asian basket-case Republic of the Philistines, the news media is concentrating on the latest developments in the case surrounding the Mindanao Island slaying of forty-plus political opponents of the ruling incumbent scumbag Governor of Maguindanao Province - Andal Ampatuan Snr.

Now known as the Ampatuan Massacre, forensic police investigators last week concluded that the bulldozed mass grave concealing forty-seven bullet-ridden bodies – mainly women and journalists - was definitely not the result of a religious cult suicide pact but actually one of large scale politically-motivated homicide.

The leading villainous protagonist in this slaughter has now been identified as the son of the provincial governor - the Datu Unsay town mayor Andal Ampatuan Jnr. – now incarcerated behind bars in Manila and awaiting trial.

However political critics have been quick to point out that the term ‘Justice for All’ is going to prove more at scent than substance for the families of those murdered as the Ampatuan clan are as thick as thieves with Philistine's President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and her ‘Super Sleaze Corruptioni Party’.

Such opinions might well be proved correct now the Office of the President has appointed a manky Muslim Supreme Court Justice 'Judge Ronnie Ampatuan' (no relation) to hear and try the case.

Addressing a Grand Jury, Judge Amputuan informed them the original charge filed against the accused - Andal Ampatuan Jnr - of Mass Murder had been reclassified as Self Defence, and was now being further reduced to Justifiable Homicide – case dismissed.

…………………………..

The prestigious Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Film Festival – due to be held in downtown tropical Haiti this weekend - will now take place in the boring old salty Moron State of Utah instead.

One highlight is set to be the Sunday Surprise screening of a film documentary by the notorious British graffiti street artist Wanksy, whose work has decorated his home town of Bristol, Israel's West Bank ‘Apartheid Barrier’ and Barky O’Barmy’s grass hut birthplace in Kenya.

Wanksy’s docu-movie ‘Exit Through The Shit Box’ will have its world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival, his agent Darth Sith told a reporter from the Enigma Gazette.
Billed as "the world's first street art disaster movie", its inclusion in the festival has been shrouded in so much secrecy it’s rumoured even Wanksy himself doesn’t know what it’s about.

Wanksy is renowned for teasing his audience, giving authority the big finger, and continually pulling the wool over people's eyes to stage unexpected stunts.
Last year the artist installed a twelve foot dildo on top of Bristol's Town Hall tower, and once smuggled a four metre high inflatable elephant into the Cabinet Room of No 10 Downing Street – which went unnoticed for several months.

The film, according to Bristol-born Bert Twatt – a deaf, dumb and blind tortoise polisher who claims to know the artist personally - "It's the story of how one man set out to film the un-filmable - and failed – if yer gets me meanin’ like".

Conversely Wanksy has both mythologized and subverted his own image, so the film could raise more questions than it answers.

The film is further rumoured to contain exclusive footage of Wanksy himself and many of the world's most infamous graffiti artists at work painting ‘Gordon’s a Cunt’ along the top of Hadrian’s Wall.

However, until the film is shown, it is not known whether Wanksy's true identity will be revealed.

The UK’s premier High Street betsters - Shit-or-Bust Bookies – are giving odds-on that his identity will remain a secret – but contrarily setting odds of 100 to 1 of him turning out to be no other than Lord Lucan – and 65 to 1 odds he’s actually Top Gear’s mystery stunt driver - the Stig.

Conversely, according to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, we don’t know shit from Shinola.

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Wednesday, 20 January 2010

The Political Correcting of Peppa Pig

The iconic animated children’s television character Peppa Pig will be seen wearing a seatbelt in future episodes after parents raised concerns over young children mimicking her lifestyle catch phrase of “Fuck Tomorrow - Live for the Moment!” declared when she appeared as the celebrity guest on Top Gear – racing against The Stig sans safety harness - with kiddies thereafter refusing to wear seat belts while in the family car – arrogantly proclaiming “If Peppa does it – so can we!”

Fellattia Gammer, CEO of the UK-based cartoon and animation company Pork Bellies, told a reporter from the Social Engineering Gazette “We’ve taken careful note of the criticisms from viewers and parent groups and have informed our political rebel scriptwriters to start modifying Peppa’s behaviour to suit the EUSSR’s neo-Stalinist social engineering policies - or else they're for the boot.”

“From now on Peppa will be wearing sensible shoes – and her seat belt. No more lewd lesbian scenes – and she definitely won’t be engaging in casual sex without ensuring her male partners wear condoms – especially for any dogging and cluster fuck segments.”

“No more suck n swallow games behind the farmyard sties – or shooting up on H with used syringe needles either. We’re even considering have her go teetotal and give up the Meths Breezers and swigging pints of Marsden's Premium Mayhem Juice – maybe wear nicotine patches and stop smoking too. Really set the kids a good example and provide a virtuous role model to follow.”

“But please remember that Peppa was originally intended for a more mature audience – just like the Scumsons and South Pork - but got hijacked by the kiddie programme schedulers for political and commercial reasons.”
“So next season Peppa won’t be shoplifting anymore or doing internet sex-for-sale webcam sessions – or flogging her golly around low life wine bars – then getting backstreet abortions. No more bouncing cheques, ATM scams or credit card frauds either.”

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, a spokesman for the TV regulatory body Ofcom, told Fux News “Peppa was going off the rails as far as we were concerned – especially so during the Sneezy Pig swine flu pandemic last autumn.”
"The government and Big Pharma were so relying on Peppa’s producers to contribute to their vaccination campaign with a spot of positive piggy propaganda to convince the kiddies to get their Grunt-Gone vaccine shots.”

“But oh no, Peppa’s anarchist creators have her whistling past the graveyard at midnight – giving Big Pharma corporations and the NHS the finger - telling them to stick their toxic vaccines up their proverbial arses and proclaiming to all and sundry that the World Health Organisation’s global pandemic announcement is an absolute scaremongering scam to decimate the world’s useless eating peasant population and get the survivors micro-chipped and dosed up with contaminated injectable prophylaxes.”

“They even had one scene where Peppa and her farmyard mates corner the WHO doctor – a bi cross-eyed duck named Professor Quack – and use him as a dartboard by hurling dozens of Oinkyitis swine flu vaccine syringes at the poor sod – then kick the living shit out of him.”

“Over Christmas the show’s producers had the gall to stick Peppa Pig back on her soap box rostrum with one of those Obama-style teleprompters - pontificating about the Copenhagen summit and how AGW doesn’t stand for Anthropogenic Global Warming but Al Gore’s Wealth."

“The she starts harping on about the fact global warming’s all propaganda and simply another big social engineering scam to carbon tax the peasants to extinction and impose further controls – and then she points to the damning burden of proof – a meter-plus of snow and sub-zero temperatures across the entire UK and northern Europe.”

“I mean, this animated pig character has a larger viewer following and fan club than Big Brother, the X-Factor and American Idol combined. The brain-dead sheeple around Europe believe Peppa’s the new Messiah – and yesterday she used her TV spot to claim the Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq War is more scent than substance – and Tony Bliar told Alastair Scambell to have David Kelly murdered before he let any more cats out of the bag and started on the truth about 9/11.”

“So Christ knows what she’s going to come out with in tomorrow’s broadcast – probably blame the Haiti earthquake on the Ham Shanks and their HAARP array.”

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Polacks Bleed UK Pension System Dry

Zillions of unemployed scrounging twats, Balkan war criminals and penniless pikey types from across the EUSSR are flocking to Britain as ‘National Insurance tourists’ - claiming access to the generous benefits and pensions – candidly proclaiming “Some bloke in Brussels sent us.”

Dodgy Polish-owned 100 zloty companies with UK offices are encouraging unemployed sponging gits who live in Poland to pay a one-day visit to London for an appointment at a JobCentre Plus to obtain a National Insurance number and open a UK bank account.

The lure is £240-odd per month Jobseekers Allowance plus both Child and Working Tax Credit top-ups – and the promise of a British basic pension of £412.75 compared with just 130 grotty zloty a month in Poland.

An investigation by the Daily Shitraker discovered how UK-based representatives of unscrupulous Polish firms regularly collect unemployed workers at British airports. These agents have already set up appointments at a nearby JobCentre and bank for their ‘clients’ who pay a modest completion fee once their benefits start to roll in.

According to the numpty dumpty terms of the Treaty of Lisbon legislation – which no fucker or their dog ever bothered to read – foreign welfare benefit spongers from the EUSSR can legitimately claim to be unemployed and claim their Jobseekers Allowance in the UK – then sign on every fortnight by telephone or computer from anywhere in the world.

Conversely Martin Bogbrush, chief executive at the TaxPayers’ Alliance, told Fux News “This is the latest example of benefit shopping where the UK is targeted as we have a lax and flawed system of Biblical proportions which the pinstripe and bowler career clots in Shitehall and Downing Street never thought to fix before jumping head first into this administrative nightmare they call the European Union.”

Career criminal turned legit’ businessman cum welfare benefit advisor Mr. Leech Kunttoff, whose firm in the Polish city of Zcumbagsky urges unemployed Poles and other Baltic state nationals to “Sponge off the English Queen”, and insists his business is completely legal under the new EUSSR laws.

Out of work Lithuanian pop singers Titsup Trollenberg and Olga Kostalott, previously with the now-defunct girlie band Gladys Gorgon & the Grottmeisters - whose single hit – ‘Do You Wanna Gdansk’ - reached number one in the Estonian top ten - had resorted to flogging their gollies around Hyde Park’s Whingers’ Corner to earn a few bob.

Olga and Titsup told a journalist from the Moochers Gazette “Leech Kunttoff got us an appointment with the Jobcentre Plus place in Skidrow Hamlets and they gave us National Insurance numbers and pay us lots of British pounds into our bank accounts every two weeks.”

“Now we don’t have to rent out our pussies to cheapskate Arab tourists who demand a discount for anal and suck and swallow dogging sessions or clusterfucks – then pay you in dodgy dinars, dhirams and riyals.”

Monday, 18 January 2010

Sino-Poofters Pageant Gets Jackbooted

A Chinese gay pageant - claimed to be the first to be organised in the country since the reign of the 6th Century Sudoku Dynasty faggot Emperor Fuk Yew Tu - was disbanded by riot police from Beijing’s Morality Squad – with coordinators nailed to the pavement and fences around Tiananmen Square or treated to that old Tibetan favourite - gift wrapped in barbed wire.

The initial municipal permit granted to hold the Mr Gay China event was thought to mark a new openness and acceptance of the burgeoning 200 million strong community of raving poofters in China.
Homosexuality was illegal in the Middle Kingdom until 1997, and officials described it as a mental illness until 2001 – after which it has been labelled as simply ‘a dirty and disgusting habit’.

The pageant's organiser, Flip Flop Fong - a former pavement licker - informed one reporter from the Shirtlifters Gazette they had been hoping the event would mark a positive step towards greater awareness of gay people in China - awareness and acceptance – not awareness and repression.
“Those thugs from the Morality Squad were so rough and butch – I was shit scared and peed my pants - then broke a fingernail climbing over the barriers to escape the tanks. Really, what a mess – nylons laddered to hell and mascara all down my cheeks.”

One of the pageant judges, Yu Wan Wank, told Pox News "It is our Politburo of senile old farts who deny us freedom of personal expression – they say that not only does the Christian Bible but also our own Taoist sages and religious writings class homosexuality as an abomination.”

“But the Maoists are now following what the Kuomintang’s General Cash Mi Chek did when he napalmed the outlawed Peking Poofs Parade in 1947 – then did the same to the Shanghai Sodomites Extravaganza the next year - taking offence and calling us all sexual deviants just because we prefer shagging men’s arses versus women’s pussy. It is very vulgar to say we prefer the smell of shit to the smell of fish.”

The Mr Gay China male contestants were competing at the trendy Tiananmen Square ‘Bum Bonkers’ basement nightclub to qualify for a place in the ranks to represent China at the Worldwide Mr Gay pageant next month in Norway, when a barrage of flash grenades and CS gas canisters were lobbed through the air vents and doors.

A great majority of the 150,000 people who turned up to join in the pageant, many from the Falun Gong Faggots Club, either fell victim to the hails of assault rifle fire and grenade shrapnel or were squashed under battle tanks tracks as the pageant turned into a frantic scramble to escape persecution – with survivors trucked out and interred at the Beijing’s Happy Organ Donor Transplant Prison.

Are you a gay person living in China? Do you face difficulties because of your sexuality? Do you flaunt your gayness – or are you still a mixed-up closet case that can’t pee in a public urinal if someone’s stood next to you – or do you sneak into the girlie toilets and have a sit down slash?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a free transgender surgery assessment.
If you would rather your comments remain anonymous, please cross the box ‘no publicity’ below and we’ll add you to our burgeoning list of blackmail victims.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Keep Death off the Footpaths

A burgeoning number of high-profile accidents involving the ubiquitous urban mobility scooters have raised concerns over the fact that the geriatric / disabled drivers cannot be prosecuted or banned from driving – which has prompted legislators in the House of Conmans to push for the introduction of licensing laws and a driving competence test.

With a factory-set top speed of 5 mph for the battery-operated mobility scooters designed to travel on pedestrian pavements, you might think that it was hard for their users to drive dangerously.

However senior citizens and disabled ‘mobility maniacs’ are having their scooters fine tuned at ‘Pimp My Ride’ to run at speeds of up to 25 mph – which many achieve regardless of safety to shoppers as they put their clog down and careen flat out through supermarkets and shopping malls after a morning session on the discount Bitch Thumper and Old Headbanger lagers at their local Wetherspoons Pisshead Clinic.

No official statistics exist for the number of accidents involving the scooters, but urban legends have sprung up around the country of old ladies steering into shop windows, mobility scooters trundling along motorways and even people driving off railway platforms in front of Rattletrack trains.

Police have legions of complaints of injuries to pedestrians. Only last year 15-year old chav Ronnie Scrunt was knocked down by a 96-year-old woman driving a mobility scooter on a ‘pedestrians only’ street in Smegmadale as he walked innocently along texting his mates in the local drug rehab’ clinic.

When his hoodie got caught in the wheels of the machine, Scrunt was dragged down the pavement screaming as his white shell suit was torn to shreds and the stone deaf driver - Mrs Gladys Twatt - carried on apparently unaware of what had occurred.
Since mobility scooters are exempt from the Road Traffic Act the police were powerless to act against the driver.

The level of concern is now such that a committee of MPs will begin an inquiry looking at safety implications. One of the issues they will examine is whether geriatric scooter drivers should get some kind of formal examination of competence and training before going out on to the streets – such as establishing if they are blind – and know what the brakes are for.

Last October the case of Wilf Bogbrush – a one-legged chronic Alzheimer’s sufferer - made the tabloid gutter press headlines when he drove up Skidrow-on-Sea’s North Circular with his souped-up mobility scooter, forgot which exit he wanted and carried on driving around and around all night.

By dawn Wilf’s pacemaker and scooter batteries both needed recharging – which resulted in scavenging shitehawks pecking at his corpse for days in a lay-by until the local council’s highways department operatives body-bagged his remains and took it to a landfill site to be ritually buried by bull dozer.

Conversely the ‘driving competency’ theme has already been put into practice by Great Yarmouth Police on a voluntary basis to instruct brain-dead wrinklies how to handle their speed machines.

The impetus was generated by the volume of complaints about accidents being caused by geriatrics around the UK’s retirement central – where the average age of the population is 85 and the town carries the derisive sobriquet of Oldieville

PC Fellattia Gobbler conducted media hacks on a tour of the police’s mobility scooter training centre, recently established recently established at the spacious One Foot in the Grave Retirement Home.
“Our purpose is to advise oldies that if they’re totally blind or suffer chronic Alzheimer’s and don’t know where they’re going – or how to get home again - they shouldn’t really drive a mobility scooter.” ”The aim is to foster safe driving and pavement etiquette.”

“Here we have a line of unemployed hoodies and other assorted yobs serving out their community service orders - with two metres in between each of them – which marks out the slalom course the old dears have to weave their vehicles through.”

“This is meant to be representative of how stupid pedestrian shoppers stand in awkward places on the High Street - pissing about with cell phones. Plus we have other hazards which include roadwork signs, pot holes, hedgehogs and badgers, and speed bumps."

"Have you ever driven one of these before?" PC Fellattia asks the 93-year old Hilda Slagg.
"No," Hilda candidly replies, with a wink of her glass eye, then adjusting her hearing aid and goggles. "This is me first time. So what do yer press ter make it go fast?"

Moments later, as her scooter tears off to the screech of smoking tyres, there is a crunch of breaking bone and a series of howls and scream as Hilda’s nearside back wheel runs over one yob’s Doc Marten boots and she proceeds to scatter the remainder of the slalom file like tenpin skittles.

Saturday, 16 January 2010

US of A : Mother of all Hypocrites

In a most disgusting display of total hypocrisy the US State Department (that’s the one run by the bottom-feeding Mena Mafia’s matriarch Hilarious Rodent Clinton) has called on the United Arab Emirates to review a court ruling which acquitted a member of Abu Dhabi’s ruling royal family of torture charges against a common landless peasant.

The court found Sheikh Ibn Zamel Kahara al-Nastygit not guilty of abusing an Afghani peon - on grounds of justifiable assault and battery.

However PJ Crowley – a US State Department jobsworth informed the Hypocrites Gazette that questions had been raised inside the Oval Office by the Kenyan Bossman – who as acting Global Policeman and Arbitrator of all Human Rights & Wrongs around the known Universe - would welcome a careful review - or else.

US television channels broadcast a YouTube video last year of the hapless Afghan merchant being violently slapped around the head with a stocking full of ripe camel shite – then getting a live conger eel shoved up his back passage without the aid of KY lubricant.
The tape showed Sheikh al Nastygit apparently torturing the man, named as Ibn Himar Kess Emakk, in the desert at night – kicking the living shit out of his worthless hide, then driving over him with an SUV.

The sheikh, who is the half-brother of the UAE's president and ruler of Abu Dhabi, Sheikh Bala’a il A’air al Shite Sharmuta, was acquitted on Sunday while five other defendants were found guilty and sentenced to death by goat buggery.
The case marks the first – and most probably last - reported investigation of a UAE ruling family member.

The State Department’s Crowley announced to anyone interested enough to listen that all members of Emirati society "must stand equal before the law" and President O’Barmy was concerned to obtain justice for the poor Afghani victim of this horrible crime.”
“We desire a careful review of the wrongful decision to let this royal scumbag off Scot free – and to ensure that the demands of justice are fully met in this case."

The judge delivering the verdict in the trial did not bother to explain the quite obvious reasons for the acquittal –Sheikh Ibn Zamel Kahara al-Nastygit is the ruler’s brother and the judge personally didn’t fancy being run over with a 4 x 4 SUV or see his grand-kids nailed to the front door – or get a conger eel enema.

Conversely Wheelie bin al Garbage - the official press spokesman for Abu Dhabi’s ruler - Sheikh Bala’a il A’air al Sharmuta - informed the Hypocrites Gazette “Who does this Kenyan Yankee impostor - this Mister Teleprompter O’Barmy think he is? – commenting on our human rights record when he gets a Nobel Peace Prize for sanctioning the murder of Afghani civilians and providing arms to the Zionist scum of Israel so they can butcher Palestinian children in Gaza with impunity.”

“The United States is a rogue outlaw nation founded by sodomite Satanist Freemasons – and financed by the profits derived from the opium trade and human suffering: black African slaves and the genocide of the true owners of America – the Red Indians.”

“They boast to the world they are the Beacon of Democracy, the Land of the Free, and in their sanctimonious duplicity have the audacity to question someone else’s human rights and justice record.”

“Just look at Abu Ghraib Prison and Guantanamo Bay – and joining hands with the Israelis to murder 3,000 of their own citizens on 9/11 and blame it on the illusionary al Qaeda so they can invade Afghanistan and have their precious gas pipeline and control the opium crops.”

“Their shameless Republic is run by Zionist Shylock scum bankers who try to control the world like global bullies – with their Project for a New American Century to dominate the Middle East and steal our natural resources.”

“Oh yes – their credo; “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
“What God – Satan? What liberty and justice? What hypocrisy!”

Friday, 15 January 2010

New Airport Body Scanners Reveal All

Well, the NWO eugenics genocidists only managed to kill off a mere global handful with their recent Sneezy Pig swine flu epidemic – (apart from in the Ukraine where the WHO spread the bubonic plague-spiked version) - and not many more with the dodgy toxic Grunt-Gone vaccines either.

So, how to kill off five billion useless eating peasants and leave the remaining half billion work-ready and compliant – but sterile?

While the following list contributes to the sluggish end result of reducing the global population – wars, famines, droughts, plagues, depleted uranium, chemtrails, street and pharmaceutical drugs, toxic vaccines, GM and irradiated foods, fluorides, aspartames, hormones in meat, psychotropics, cell phone radiation etc, et al – we now have the long-intended Naked Body Scanner units being installed at airports – to be followed by all immigration points, ports, train stations, shopping malls, schools, public toilets – and wherever.

Thanks to the pathetic – and failed - Merry Christmas false flag airline bombing attempt by a brainwashed Nigerian career numpty – Muhammed bin Patsy and his Crotch Bomb – the Establishment have forced through the excuse they need to keep us all safe from nasty terrorists by introducing the pervert’s delight - virtual strip-search NBS machines.

The soon-to-become ubiquitous NBS units are designed specifically to irradiate the useless eaters / peasants from arseholes to breakfast time – under the false premise of security checks.
Oh yes, these units – basically a T-wave machine – will irradiate the unsuspecting peasantry skeleton deep – making a total fuck of your testicles / ovaries, cause bubbling in the DNA structure – and turn any pregnant gal’s embryonic foetus into Mickey the Autistic Mutant.

So, thinking about a private vasectomy or fallopian ligation? Save the pennies. Just take a couple of trips through your local airport security system and get sterilized for free – plus kick-start a choice selection of nasty cancerous breast or prostate tumours.

Regardless of the Establishment cabal’s denials that the NBS units cannot store or transmit strip-search images – don’t believe a word of it – they can – and will.
Much to the delight of the sicko pervert and paedophile operators this type of job seems to attract – providing hours of masturbation fantasy material viewing nude images of your missus – or your kiddies – or perhaps you.

These Naked Body Scanners transmit a high-energy beam of Terahertz rays that pass through the subject to digitally create a blue alien image of the persons naked figure plus reveal concealed weapons, metal-encased explosives and detonators, Tampax, pessaries, suppositories, butt plugs, enforced chastity devices – and of course – genital piercing jewellery.

While any amount of radiation is dangerous with a Capital D, it is accumulative in the bones and organs – and DNA - thus poses a serious threat to all living cells through which it passes, leaving behind a trail of destruction and genetic mutations.

Hence these virtual strip searches, in addition to damaging our DNA, will be setting the stage for the expansion of a profitable world-wide cancer epidemic – profitable for the big Pharma’ corporations that is.

So, a piece of advice for the frequent flier – get your health insurance doubled up – and fast.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Katz Amongst the Islamic Terrorist Pigeons

Who says Big Bad Al Qaeda takes credit for a bombing? Rita Katz. Who gets us copies of the latest and greatest newly released bin Laden homilies on Blu-ray DVD? Rita Katz. Who gets us pretty much all information telling us Muslims are a bunch of terrorist suicide bombers who hate our Western freedoms and Democracy? Rita Katz. Okay, so who der fuck is Rita Katz?

Rita Katz is the Director of the Washington-based SITE Institute – the primary source for intelligence used by Western news services, Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA – and your friendly neighbourhood psychopaths: Slackwater / Xe. And what, you may well pertinently ask - are her qualifications for manning such a prestigious post?

Well, while she was born in Basra (Iraq), she’s an Ashkenazi Jewess, claims both US and Israeli citizenships, once served in the IDF as an infantry groundsheet, is a brainwashed member of both AIPAC and B'nai B'rith - and has a Dutch Uncle called Seymour Weasleberg.

Further she has a classical kike beak, eyes like pissholes in the snow, and looks – from a distance- like a reject from Auschwitz. Actually, up close, she more resembles a week-old corpse with chronic kidney problems.

Readers might recall her younger brother Bob Katz – an ex-art student who worked for Urban Movers - getting court marshalled for certain deviant sexual offences while employed as a greeter at Iraq’s infamous R & B Hotel (Rape & Buggery) - Abu Ghraib Prison.

Katz’ SITE company – the Search for International Terrorist Entities - has more critics than enough – most of whom maintain she gives terrorists a bigger platform than they would otherwise have – or deserve - and that her immersion in the world of ‘spies’ has removed whatever grasp on reality she may have ever possessed when it comes to inflating terrorist threats and scare-mongering the US public into crying “Help - save us! – and fuck the Constitution and Bill of Rights.”

As Washington’s MI6 station chief, Sir Woodruff Thort-Nott opined to Pox News “I’m convinced the little Shylock bitch believes her own intelligence inventions – which I blame totally on Tom Clancy for his novels – those Katz has adopted as a terrorist hunter’s Bible – or maybe a Torah in her case.”

“Seriously we find her obsessions disturbing – always eager to find plots where they don’t exist – and she never lets hard facts get in the way of selling the next impending al Qaeda strike to the intel’ agencies.”

“Really, most of it is Mossad-generated self-serving bullshit to keep us all on our toes – scarified and constantly looking over our shoulders and suspicious to the point of paranoia of what the foreign beardie type sat opposite us on the bus - fingering his worry beads - has in his backpack – a halal Spam sandwich for lunch or a nuclear device.”

“Then we get presented with the occasional false flag terrorist attempt – like the pathetic Xmas Day fiasco on the Amsterdam – Detroit flight which will now serve as an excuse to invade Yemen. Wholly transparent, with Mossad’s dirty little fingermarks all over it – just the same as 9/11 and 7/7.”

While Katz might boast of achieving an NVQ 1 Diploma in Office Stapler Maintenance, and with a great many investigative journalists convinced Israeli intelligence “helps” her with her information – accurate or inventive – no evidence exists that she is qualified in the field of Spookology – in fact a bartender has more intelligence gathering experience.

However nobody verifies the substance of her reports. SITE claims Al Qaeda did it again and it hits the papers as gospel truth to the gullible Islamophobes.
Katz’ SITE agency says Israel only snuffed a couple of thousand Palestinian schoolkids in Gaza as they were a direct threat to the IDF – and that’s gospel too.

Psychological manipulation to induce mass hysteria. The sheeple hearing what they’ve been conditioned to believe.

So, what does Katz’ SITE Institute really do? Apart from act as PR for the outlaw Israeli state, promote their perennial ‘Victim’ image – and maintain the Holohoax myth – plus castigate and label any and all who might question Israel’s Zionist motives or actions as Holohoax deniers and anti-Semites.

Katz and her snoop dogs browse the internet for information - invariably information that Israel has invented or manipulated and wants disseminated globally – which is then – veracity unchecked - sold off as news, seen on Rupert Mudrock-controlled TV, reported in the gutter press and passed around the internet as though it were actually true.

Did the information come straight out of Mossad HQ – or from some fantasist dog-wanking triple-K redneck hater in Texas - or from a terror cell in shitty Surabaya – or Yemen?
Nope, we don’t have an effin’ clue. But can you imagine buying information on Islamic terrorism from a split-arsed Israeli amateur spook whose father was executed as a spy by the Iraqis? Well, that’s Ms Rita Katz for you – warts and all.

Due the service it does for Israel, perhaps the SITE Institute might be better renamed the Zionist Propaganda Institute.

As we are all aware, propaganda attempts to achieve a dual role. It fabricates phoney reasons to justify acts of barbaric cruelty or insane greed – and it blames people for things they didn’t do because the people doing the blaming really did it themselves.

Just what the Zionist scum running the US and Israel require to justify their neo-colonial Century of War against Islam and the Third World.

So, the next time you see a group of Palestinians dancing on top of a white van and hi-fiving each other and someone tells you they’re celebrating a terror attack, it’s more than likely they’re attending a birthday party.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Broon Declares Islam4UK March a Big No-No

The Downing Street-based Trotskyite porridge wog currently charged with running the country, Prime Minister Gordon Broon, has issued a most severe and ominous “See you, Muhammad!” warning to a radical Islamic group planning a protest march in a Wiltshire town famous for honouring the bodies of fallen soldiers as they pass through on their way from RAF Lyneham to their final resting places in the old military cemetery behind Tesco.

Mr. Dogbite Jaffacake of Islam4UK has written to the police commander of Wootton Bassett informing him his organisation is planning a protest march to honour all the Muslim civilians snuffed by the illegal occupation troops in Iraq and Afghanistan – which will be highlighted by the protesters carrying 500 symbolic coffins shoulder-high.

The Islam4UK group apparently chose the town to attract publicity to the fact that wherever neo-colonialist aggressors set foot in the shadow of Islam’s flag, then they’ll be coming home in body bags every time – which certain critics have pointed out to be quite a piece of hypocrisy when these very same economic migrants and refugees from oppression and poverty are actually guests on British soil.

Frank Scrunt, a Wootton Bassett resident and former Sergeant with the 21st Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment who lost both testicles to frostbite while serving in the Falklands, told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette “These effin’ Muslim gits come over ‘ere an’ build their mosques and what ‘ave yer an’ claim welfare benefits or drive taxis an’ get on the NHS cos their own effin’ country’s an’ effin dump ruled by mad Mullahs an’ Sharia laws an’ then they start tellin’ us ‘ow ter run Britain an’ ter get our arses outa their ex-Third World shithole terrorist ‘avens.”

Conversely Islam4UK spokesman Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, a former Kabul tomcat strangler and founder of the Luton Halitosis Society – long suspected by MI6 of having extremist links to the militant Saracen Martyrs Club and the Jolly Jihad Society, told the Headbangers Gazette “We’re all fuckin’ sick an’ tired of hearing about yer freedoms an’ democracy an’ all that crap – what a bunch of brain-dead wankers.”
“We want yer out of our country and take yer effin’ democracy wiv yer – an’ stop nickin’ our opium poppies.”

However, the Minister for Sorting Shit Out, Sir Irwin Bogbrush, informed Fux News “This radical Islamist group that planned a march through Wootton Bassett to honour the Al Qaeda and Taliban Muslims killed by our troops in the Afghanistan conflict has today been banned under the UK’s Terrorism Act 2000.”

“The Islam4UK persona they seem to have adopted only cloaks the fact they are actually the outlawed al-Muhajiroun group – so any more crap or lip out of them and they’ll be on the next plane back to Helmand Province with a Predator drone targeting the Verichip implanted in their arse.”

Mr Fizzy Al Kaseltzer vehemently denounced the government’s action in declaring Islam4UK / al-Muhajiroun a terrorist organisation, and denied any of their members were involved in violence.
"I rebuff the statement that any of our members have been involved in violent activities or the promotion of terrorist acts or asking anyone to carry out any sort of military operations – and if anyone says we did then they’re gonna get a nasty bomb through their letter box.”

Ulster’s First Nympho Goes Ga-Ga

Iris McSlagg Robinson, the 65-year old wayward slapper wife of Northern Ireland’s First Minister is to stand down as an MP and Member of the Legislative Assembly as further evidence is revealed in the tabloid gutter press that she misused her elected political office to achieve personal criminal ends and appropriate illegal fiscal gains.

Juxtaposed to this scandal, pressure is now mounting for her cuckolded husband Peter Robinson – the MP for East Felony, to explain his involvement in her dodgy financial dealings.
Earlier this week, the Daily Shitraker alleged Mr Robinson failed to inform the relevant Parliamentary authorities his wife had illegally obtained £50,000 from two property developers who were then favoured by being awarded untendered government building contracts.

The BBC’s ‘Scandalmongers’ programme claimed First Lady McSlagg had obtained the money from two property developers in her Stranglehold constituency in County Down - which was paid to her 19-year-old toy boy, Hugh Jampton, to help him launch the trendy Dead Slug CafĂ© – of which she took £5,000 as a ‘facilitation fee’.

Last week the ginger minger McSlagg issued a press statement announcing she was leaving politics due to reasons of gross embarrassment after breaching the Bible’s 11th Commandment - Thou shalt not be found out - and having her nefarious sins exposed in the public arena.

The financial impropriety allegations were followed by a public admission by Mr Robinson that his wife had recently attempted a David Kelly style suicide in the woods but her penknife – just like Kelly’s – was too blunt to draw sufficient blood – following which she went into a total manic depressive state claiming “I can’t do fuck all right – even killing myself. I’m effin’ off to that Euthanasia Direct place in Switzerland.”

First Minister Robinson and McSlagg were married in 1970 and have several children fathered by her various lovers, rent-boys, gigolos, male prostitutes - and a donkey.

The Daily Shitraker this morning reported that McSlagg had transgressed virtually every rule in the Code of Conduct for MPs and councillors – and had to go.

Conversely Mr Robinson's solicitor, Ms. Sue Fleecem of Upshot, Bagsnot & Shitpot, claims that at all times their client had acted with propriety and fulfilled nearly all Parliamentary requirements – and it was hardly his fault that his wife was an utter and complete sticky-fingered cunt with an insatiable appetite for virile young men who weren’t too adverse to gray pubic hair and playing ‘Grab-a-Granny’.

Apparently Ms McSlagg, apart from being a raving nymphomaniac, also suffers from a rare type of St Vitus Dance which prevents her from keeping her legs closed for more than a few minutes at a time.

McSlagg, a former pole dancer at the Harland and Wolff Shipyard’s social club, went on to work in the prestigious Belfast Sluts-R-Us nightspot, where she met husband-to-be Robinson while flogging her golly to the highest bidders in the nightly Raffle-a-Twat tombola competition.

Mrs McSlagg Robinson is a celebrity figure around Belfast’s BD/SM fetish community and famous for her unique collection of pre-Columbian dildos and ticklers - many of Mayan origin.
Rumours are currently circulating that McSlagg has a previous criminal conviction – for being drunk and disorderly and committing a sexual offence with a 4 x 4 SUV trailer hitch in a public place.

McSlagg was affectionately described by friends as a money-grabbing menopausal maniac who was always a problem when her inflated ego surpassed what limited intellect she possessed.

The scandal-ridden and now-disgraced MP – in an attempt to avoid questioning by Belfast police officers - is currently undergoing treatment for depression at the Lord Lucan Memorial Hospital in Paraguay but has dutifully sent a Sorrygramme e-mail to the House Speaker at Stormont.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Ghetto Mindset Israelis Build Another Wall

In an attempt to demonstrate its congenital affection for grotty ghettos - and further segregate itself from the outside world and Reality - the Israeli government has approved plans for the construction of a barrier along its border with Egypt in a bid to keep out manky Muslim militants and other illegal migrants posing as Red Sea pedestrians.

Slime Minister Binman Nuttyahoo informed one journalist from the Pogroms Gazette the decision was taken to secure Israel's ‘Promised Land’ borders and ‘Chosen People’ status, but that refugees from the US with large investments and donations to make to the knutty Knesset would still be allowed to seek entry and go land-grabbing on the West Bank.

Further to this there will be no restrictions placed on the entry of the ubiquitous military and financial aid from the US and Europe – which are the only things keeping the illegal terrorist state plodding along.

On Sunday, Mr Nuttyahoo declared he had received the go-ahead from Baron Rothshite to begin the construction of sections of barrier that would block the main infiltration routes along the 666 km frontier, and initiate the installation of anti-personnel mines and positioning of advanced surveillance equipment – specifically snipers equipped with US-manufactured Barrett M82A3 rifles.

Going into total hypocrisy mode Nuttyahoo told the Warmongers Gazette that Israel would "remain open to refugees" from conflict zones – excluding Gaza and the West Bank - but added: "We cannot let tens of thousands of dodgy Muslim sweatshop workers infiltrate into Israel through the southern border and inundate our country with illegal aliens."
“Just look at the trouble we’ve had stealing the place off the Palestinians since 1948 already.”

Egyptian security sources claimed Israel had not informed them of its plans, but they held no objections to the wall so long as the barrier was built on Palestinian soil and not Egyptian sovereign territory.

The project - named Operation Segregated Enclave - is set to cost $270 million and take two years to complete – with construction funds coming from the US-based Zionist-AIPAC ‘Begging Gits Foundation’ - and Baron Rothshite’s loose change.

Conversely the alternative news channels – those not owned by Zionist apologists and Rupert Mudrock - expressed unanimous disgust at this latest incidence of the illegal terrorist state’s perennial habit of adorning themselves with the badge of Victim – yet again - which they wear and display with pride – plus much mention of the pogroms past and Holohoaxes visited upon God’s Chosen People by the heathen masses and Gentiles in general.

Israeli’s rabid kike supporters and PR mouthpieces – as per usual - were quick to take the bait and react, condemning critics as anti-Semites and Holohoax deniers - castigating all and sundry who refuse to pander to their self-serving illusionary grievances and chronicles of victimisation - and woe betide those that question their motives or dare make mention of the privations of the marginalised Palestinian people suffering under the IDF’s tyrannical jackboot.

Further, not that Israel’s leaders have ever given a flying fuck about their illegal and extra-judicial mercenary activities, the International Court of Justice in The Hague has issued an advisory ruling that all of Israel’s ‘Apartheid Barriers’ were illegal and should be removed.

Those sharing a common border with the outlaw Zionist state - specifically Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and Egypt - have jointly agreed that a wall around the whole of Israel isn’t such a bad idea - to keep the warmongering scumbags in there.

Monday, 11 January 2010

Spud Genius Invents the ‘Peelie Bin’

An Irish inventor, Professor Sheamus McTwat, with the direct backing of the Ministry for Wasting Time and Money, coupled with donations from the Common Purpose social engineering group, plus corporate sponsorship provided by the Wetherspoon Pub chain, has transformed the ubiquitous black wheelie bin into a mobile public toilet in a bid to stop people urinating through shop door letter boxes along south London’s night-time streets.

Persons caught short while on a pub crawl can piss into a funnel fixed to the side of the bin which channels the alcohol-loaded urine to the bin’s base, where it’s chemically treated, then distilled and recycled into a top grade brand of cheap liquor known as Alkie’s Delight – a favourite discount tipple with binge drinkers and shit-for-brains teenage types who frequent the Wetherspoon chain and can’t afford to buy Shite Lightning cider or Meths Breezers on their Jobseekers allowance.

McTwat, a Dublin-based designer, has been testing his innovative ‘Peelie Bin’ around London’s Scumdale Hamlets Sink or Swim housing estate to tackle anti-social behaviour with the hope of primarily putting a stop to yob and scally elements pissing on pensioners and disabled persons with mobility issues.

Social engineering group Common Purpose – not to be confused with the bottle-nosed dolphin rescue charity Common Porpoise – are pushing Prof. McTwat to further adapt the ‘Peelie Bin’ by installing a sit-down toilet feature to persuade drunken yobettes and pissed-up slappers to stop peeing in the gutters – or telephone boxes.

However, he feels that might simply encourage drunks to plonk their arse down and take a crap too – which would then overload the onboard chemical distillation plant.
Speaking to a reporter from the Pissheads Gazette McTwat ventured “The final recycled product is gonna taste like cheap piss anyways – we don’t want it tasting like someone’s shit in it as well.”

The inventor will be remembered as quite a regular face on TV last year when he won the consolation prize on Crapheap Challenge for his ‘automatic hedgehog peeler’ – which unfortunately saw Channel 4 inundated with complaints from ‘Spiny Norman’ loving viewers and an ‘animal cruelty’ court case filed by the RSPCA.

Sheamus’ other 'Pikey' patent designs include cat’s eyes that actually‘wink’ and ‘meow’; speed bumps that shout ‘Ouch!’ if you go over them too fast; and a series of traffic signs – each with a bird’s nestbox built into them – which brought a hysterical public response when some career wit noted that the ubiquitous pole-mounted traffic speed camera units were already roosts for the local council’s ‘spot fine’ vultures.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Global Warming Cause of UK’s Big Chill

New Labour’s all-powerful Ministry for Carbon Exchange - recently established to replace and encompass the Department of Global Warming, the Ministry of Scaremongering, the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, and the Alastair Campbell Institute for Black Propaganda – has issued a full spectrum media release to the tax-paying peasantry stating the current cold snap which ominously descended across Europe like an ironic avenging angel in the wake of the blizzard-stricken Copenhagen Summit, is in fact simply a result of EUSSR scientists using HAARP weather control technology to shift massive CO2 deposits out of the skies of Northern Europe to Equatorial Africa - where the gollies have never heard of the Anthropogenic Global Warming myth so don’t notice it getting any hotter.

Professor Guido Fuctifino from the East Anglia-based Institute for Advanced Guessology and Weather Data Juggling informed the Climategate Gazette “The HAARP CO2 trans-migration system’s still in the experimental stage since we created Hurricane Katrina and we simply moved too much from over the UK to central Africa - so it got very cold – and very fast too.”

“Unfortunately, while we are getting the hang of moving large CO2 deposits from across Europe and dumping it into the upper atmosphere of Third World shitholes we haven’t quite perfected how to move it back again if the need arose – as per the UK’s present Arctic predicament.”

“But not to worry – as soon as supplies of domestic heating gas run out next week there’ll be dead oldies and homeless street people frozen to death all over the country and when they thaw out the decomposing gases will soon start warming old England back up again – just in time for yet another splendid barbeque Summer.”

Hence, in light of the Biblical scale irony of the Gaia Spirit / Mother Nature whipping up a blizzard that dumped snow on the Copenhagen convention where world leaders assembled to hold a summit to impose their draconic new legislation to halt the AGW phenomenon, here’s some hard-as-ice cold facts on the hot topic of the global warming and carbon credit cap n trade exchange scams in the wake of the Climategate scandal that are potent enough to freeze a bevy of MPs to their dodgy expense claims.

The current six inches-plus of snowfall and ensuing 24/7 sub-zero temperature doesn’t exactly support St Albert of Gore’s gospel of global warming predictions – nor instil confidence that anything the twat says is in any way related to the truth - or give cause to support a hefty cap n trade carbon exchange tax system – especially so when a record Xmas cold snap deservedly hit Gore's own home town of Twatsville, Tennessee.

In fact temperature’s dropped so low that even the snow-bound sycophants comprising the BBC's meteorological forecast staff had to admit that observational evidence (British Scareways grounded and the Rattletrack cross-country train service frozen to the rail lines) could no longer be ignored and were forced to ask “Hey Big Al’, what der fuck happened with yer global warming prophecies, huh?”

Heathrow-based British Scareways issued one advisory that air travel passengers should call their respective scarelines first before putting on snowshoes and walking to the airport to find their flights to Tyrolean winter sports ski resorts have been cancelled.

Overnight temperatures of -20 C are widespread, leaving stranded commuters and homeless peasants frozen to bus shelters, road signs and pavements as rock salt supplies for road gritting operations were depleted and local council highway maintenance workers broke into fish and chip shops to commandeer stocks of the white gritty shit.

Thousands of schools remain closed with warnings that some exam candidates could have to wait five months to sit GCSE and A-level modules across the UK if severe weather conditions prevail through next week.
It has been suggested that if the Arctic conditions do not dissipate by July, and a new Ice Age has kicked in, then the entire secondary education syllabus will be modified to include certificate qualifications for Igloo Construction, Dogsled Handling & Care, Reindeer Husbandry and Low Cholesterol Cooking with Seal Blubber.

Further, alternate news sources are enjoying a heyday, hurling scoops of fresh steaming derision at Defra’s announcement that recent Brussels legislation legally compelling farmers to grow the EUSSR / Monsanto-patented ‘Trump-less’ flatulent-free meadow grass to cut down on bovine SBD gnarly farts and belch-based methane emissions will solve 50% of Europe’s ‘rural emissions’ criteria.

Conversely pettifogging local bureaucracy has so much invested in the global warming myth (scam) that local council Carbon Footprint Gestapo officers are hot to trot and ready to act on information received from the newly-opened Grassers & Snitches 24/7 call centre, and will be working hand in hand with Civil Enforcement Officers and the Mandatory Compliance Squad to enforce Cap n Trade regulations at every aspect of the suburban residence level.

This will involve the integrated Cap n Trade Stasi checking individual household colour coded wheelie bins for ‘recycling abuse’ and issuing on-the-spot fines.

While the Nobel commission has demanded the return of President Barky O’Barmy’s Peace Prize after he committed 30,000- plus extra troops – and replacement CIA spooks - to fight an illegal war of aggression and occupation in Afghanistan, rumours that they have demanded the same from St. Al Gore for the award presented for his scare-documentary “A Convenient Pile of Bullshit” have yet to be confirmed.

However, as Climategate has now ironically revealed, Gore and IPCC scientists have been hard at work for years hiding evidence of global cooling and the Northern Hemisphere experiencing the birth pangs of a new Ice Age.

Gore has thus proved himself a typical lucre-grasping political whore and career hypocrite - and a member of that elitist egocentric minority percentage of the human race that uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are stealing from.

His actions further confirm the greedy git is sadly lacking in any form of true substance or sincerity to act as a role model for advertising the merits of carbon exchange cap n trade when his personal carbon footprint is bigger than a Sasquatch’s.

News fresh off the wire advises the UK’s Borders Agency has been put on full alert and is currently fielding extra temporary staff seconded from Bellmarsh Immigration Prison to police the entire length of the South Coast after the English Channel froze over during the night and hordes of foreign undesirables and refugee types started to do the ‘Jesus Trick’ and walk across the waters from Belgium and France – to the lyrical strains of an en mass chant of “Welfare State”.