Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A 96-year old Smegmadale-on-Sea great-grandmother has won her fight against a pair of £50 fines issued after she reportedly picked up the wrong pile of dog crap.
Mrs Hilda Bigott, a former cormorant peeler, was accused by Smegmadale Council’s Stasi-trained park wardens, on hire from the Renta-Thug security quango, of failing to clean up after her pit bull terrier Slugsy decided to take an impromptu dump in a field.
The council’s Snoop Squad bizarrely claimed Mrs Bigott had scooped up a pile of poop dropped by a different dog.
However, when she refused to pay a fixed penalty notice, rightfully claiming “So wot’s the problem - it’s all shit at the end of the day?” she was threatened with court action.
Mrs Bigott, of Crapford Way, told a reporter from the Poop Scoop Gazette she’d been texting one of her toyboys on her new Apple i-Phone when Slugsy ran off and took an unscheduled shite after munching down one of his favourite super-spicy Jalfarezi doggy-snack bars.
After she cleared up the steaming pile she was approached by two men – Wally Scrunt and Jacko McMoron – both wearing local authority council hi-viz jerkins with 'Senior Jobsworth' swastikas emblazoned across the front.
“This effin’ McMoron skinhead twat comes up all intimidatin’ like – wiv his stinkin’ bad breath an’ festerin’ acne - swingin’ an effin’ pickaxe handle around an’ showin’ off his Taser gun, an’ sez it woz the wrong pile of poop wot I bagged up an’ that he woz gonna issue me wiv an on the spot fine of £50 for not baggin’ up Slugsy’s mess and another £50 quid for stealing someone else’s pile of crap.”
“So I gets right pissed off like wiv this stupid prick an’ I picks up about another six piles of shite wot woz lyin’ around an’ shoved it right under his nose an’ sez “Are yer effin’ happy now chuckles?” – an’ the knobhead grabs me arm and sez he’s still gonna fine me – that’s when Slugsy bit him on the arse an’ I belted the pair of cloth-eared wallies wiv me Zimmer frame.”
Appearing at Smegmadale Magistrate’s Court on Monday to contest the fines, Mrs Bigott gave her version of events to a sympathetic bench of contemporary pensioner types, while the council’s bungling prosecution team failed to establish nor prove which of the several bags of canine crap exhibits gathered up by Mrs Bigott were actually dumped by Slugsy – if any – as K9 DNA tests had revealed each sample contained traces of super-spicy Jalfarezi doggy-snack bars.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Thought for the day: If Paddington Bear shits in the woods will it contain traces of a Jalfarezi curried biscuit snack bar?
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