Afghan Opium Bank Goes Up In Smoke

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As Afghan police beat back a restive crowd of government workers at the capital’s main branch of the Kabul Bank of National Insolvency on Friday as they attempted, with vexing futility, to cash their monthly pay cheques, this scene provided a perfect illustration of the degenerating economic and financial instability of the Third World kleptocracy following nine years spent under NATO (read US) patronisation and monetary control – even with the money-spinning opium production under the stalwart control of the government’s Ministry for Graft & Corruption.

More than 5,000 government employees, including police officers, National Army soldiers, goat census takers, burkha weavers and school teachers, mobbed the sole Kabul Bank branch that remained open, only to be kept at bay by uniformed and armed thugs from the country's National Directorate of Security (Gestapo by another name).
The crowds pressed in so closely that the NDS heavies started punching men and women alike to keep them back – with the guards seizing and destroying the cameras of journalists attempting to take pictures of the riotous debacle.

So much for nine years of Western influence on the Afghan muppet government of US stooge and career kleptocrat President Hamid Kami Karzai - and the fleeting spectre of Democracy, transparency and journalistic freedom.

As one media reporter possessed of no little wit and a sense of ironic humour so aptly phrased it – “We never had a bank run when the Taliban were in charge.”

Mr Ghaban Manuke Khara, who started his political career as head of the Ministry for Goats and quickly advanced to the elite post of Opium Production Secretary, was this week appointed as Governor of the Afghan Central Bank and tasked with sorting out the current monetary fiasco that constitutes the nation’s financial system.

Mr Manuke Khara, a man who still believes wood grows on trees, explained to the media “This is a knock-on effect of the West’s recession affecting us too. Just look at our housing market. When the Taliban and Mullah Mohammed Omar, peace be upon him, were in charge you could afford to build a two-up two-down mud hut for a couple of hundred Afghani’s. Now you can’t even rent a converted goat shed or an en suite cave up at Tora Bora for less than three thousand Afghani’s a month. The economy has gone to the dogs since these interfering Americans came here and usurped the Taliban. The moronic cretins chased away the strict rule of our Islamic Sharia law and replaced it with Chaos.”

The standoff was the latest setback for attempts by President Hamid Kami Karzai's administration of sticky fingered larcenists to control public fears about the future of Kabul Bank of National Insolvency, whose top two ‘bankster’ executives were removed from office last week – in handcuffs – after the discovery of a series of shifty off-the-books loans and property investments in dodgy Dubai.

Since then, panicked Afghans have withdrawn their savings, causing a run on the bank that has seen the withdrawal of half of the bank's purported 500 million Afghani’s reserve of liquid cash.

Mr Istimna ibn Himar, a quality control inspector at the Ministry of Burkas, was among the people demanding their salaries at the Kabul Bank, claiming he had not been paid in two months. “It is the end of Ramadan and I’ve not had anything to eat for a fucking month, apart from a chair leg to chew on. Now it is Eid al-Fitr and I cannot celebrate as the bank has shut its doors and I can’t cash my cheque.”
“It is a mafia of Karzai’s cronies who own this bank," referring to ousted chairman Shitbag Ali Snook and the chief executive Mongoose Tuti-Fruti. “The Central Bank might well claim to have frozen their assets but in truth all that means is they’ve shifted their deposits to Iceland.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.