Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Emirates Palace Hotel – owned lock, stock and houris by Abu Dhabi’s ruler Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer – a Bedouin chieftain whose family have been in the divan and breakfast lodgings (Oasis Tents) cum camel hire (Renta-Hump) business since the time of the first Hajj to Mecca and right through the Crusades – plus still claim hereditary grazing rights on every hotel lobby carpet in the entire Persian Gulf region.
As is the norm for Sheikh Fizzy and his family of spoiled brat wastrel siblings and progeny, Christmas is always a time to say “Fuck the Sharia”, skull back a few pints of fermented goat’s milk and put on a festive season’s pretentious display of hedonistic waste and ostentatious squandering - with a robot Santa on a camel and a jewel-encrusted Christmas tree which the Extravaganza Gazette reports is worth over £11 zillion quid – including the ‘glow-in-the-dark’ Archangel topping the tree – crafted from the finest depleted uranium to ensure a half-life of illumination until New Year (2050) is heralded in.
While the tree, sitting in the sumptuous lobby of the 3,000-room hotel with the trunk overlaid in gold leaf - is only worth a mere £10,000 nicker as a stand-alone item of high-class firewood, the jewellery adds more than £11 zillion quid to the worth of the glitzy display, according to the hotel’s general manager Hans Moronstein.
Items of jewellery studded with scores of precious stones are draped on the tree's branches. The bracelets, necklaces and watches which adorn the 300 foot tall Giant Redwood contain several zillion diamonds, pearls, emeralds, sapphires and other precious stones and baubles - along with more traditional Muslim Jolly Jihadi decorations – such as sheep’s eyeballs, fragmentation grenades and Infidel’s scrotums.
Moronstein told reporters that the hotel has a tree every year, but this Christmas Sheikh Fizzy wanted to do something different.
“We did mull over the idea of a Holy Trinity crucifixion as we have plenty of thieves and convicted criminals to nail up there – but we convinced his Highness that crucifixions were more of an Easter thing.”
“While the vast majority of the population of our oil-rich Abu Dhabi are Muslims, this is a very liberal country as the indigenous menfolk – well, the one’s who can afford the little luxuries in life – simply adore coming here in an evening to gamble, get drunk and screw around with our exotic Asian hand maidens up in the Happy Ending Rub n Tug Massage Salon on the top floor – just opposite our Naughty Nomad Casino - and Crazy Ali’s Penthouse Bar.”
The Emirates Palace planned on petitioning the Guinness Book of World Records to certify the tree as the world's most expensive – however they have been referred to the entry for Baron Ja’akoff Rothshite in London, head of the Rothshite bankster crime syndicate family – who has his tree adorned with the binding fiscal encumbrances, liens and impediments and other assorted debt documents of every cash-strapped country on Earth.
Stop press: Rumours that the Emirates Palace Hotel’s Christmas tree went missing last night – cut down and stolen by a crew of Al Qaeda scallies posing as lumberjacks – with the incident caught on CCTV footage – remain unsubstantiated. Reports vary but police believe this may be the work of the Iran’s notorious ‘Arboreal Blaggers Gang’ who chopped the tree off at the roots with chain saws - then did the same to the hotel’s 24/7 security detail.
Tel Aviv were conspicuously quick off the mark to contact Sheikh Well Before Using, the Director of Abu Dhabi’s Western style Plod Squad, to deny Mossad had anything to do with the theft – regardless of what the CCTV footage showed.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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