In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A Smegmadale-on-Sea resident has this week registered an official compliant with the county police authorities over being repeatedly plagued by the numpty Plod Squad calling at his house to either search the premises or arrest him in error, due to a postal address mix-up.
Mr Wilf Fuctifino, of 13, Scally Terraces, told one reporter from the Fuckups Review his home had been raided by police forty-six times in the past eighteen months - more often than not in the middle of the night – due them confusing his house with a neighbouring address at Scally Alley.
Mr Fuctifino, a 69-year old retired wheelbarrow mechanic, related that during the last Christmas period the stupid plods had mistakenly barged into his house five times, disturbing friends and family as they turned the place upside-down searching for terrorist paraphernalia – then summarily arrested him on suspicion of treason.
“The fifth time woz on New Year’s Eve when they tossed the house searchin’ fer guns an’ bombs – then cos they couldn’t find fuck all I gets me sad arse tasered an’ handcuffed an’ dragged down ter the cop shop wiv a black bag over me head. Then some plain clothes twat comes an’ starts threatenin’ me with waterboardin’ if I don’t tell him where the rest of me Abu Dujana Brigade suicide pact Jihadi mates are an’ where we woz hidin’ our weapons of mass destruction.”
“So I sez ter this pillock ‘Will yer stop referrin’ ter me as Mohammed the Mad Mullah cos me effin’ name’s Wilf an’ not some Shaheed Semtex suicide vest terrorist bomber called Mohammed al Ka-Boom. I don’t know what an’ effin’ madrassa is, nor have I got any radicalised relatives in Pakistan or Afghanistan – or any fuckin’ where else wiv the name endin’ in ‘stan’.”
“An’ I’m not the local effin’ Anti-Christ either – cos if yer just after arrestin’ a few yobs yer should have a go at that bunch of Asbo wannabees wot lives down the road on the Spewall Green housin’ estate an’ leave me an' the missus alone.”
“Wot a balls-up – I know we all watch these comedy programmes on the telly, like Operation Good Guys an’ the Thin Blue Line wiv that Mr Bean bloke in charge an’ wot shows the plods up ter be a right bunch of thick wallies wiv shit fer brains - but yer don’t expect it in real life when they come round an’ kick yer door in at 3:00 o’clock in the effin morning about four times a week just cos their sat-nav systems are fucked up an’ none of the thick twats can read a map or an A to Z. Seriously, I’ve seen better organised bleedin’ riots.”
"After the first few raids two years ago we put up a sign sayin’ ‘No Muslim Terrorists Here!’, then they come an’ kick the door in again an’ some MI6 dildo starts blabberin’ away in Arabic an’ we’re all sat there like – hands on our effin’ heads – an’ tells them ‘Have yer seen the effin’ sign stuck up by the door?’ – an’ they sez that’s a regular trick wot Islamic terrorists pull ter throw the cops off the scent.”
Stop press: A mysterious deep hole has appeared in Smegmadale-on-Sea’s High Street – the police are looking into it.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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