Saturday, 30 April 2011

Taliban Beat ‘Great Escape’ Record

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the biggest fuck-up since their last major fuck-up, the Afghan government have allowed scores of freedom fighters belonging to the hard-line fundamental Islamic Taliban Dan Gang to infiltrate the national penal service and pull off a Get Out of Jail Free prison break scenario that beats the World War Two Nazi Stalag Luft II POW camp’s ‘Great Escape’ record.

Bala’a il A’air Ibn Zamel, the Minister for Incompetence, whose purview covers the administration and security of Afghanistan’s hit and miss prison system, informed one reporter from the Fugitives Gazette that officials at Manuke Khara Prison in Kandahar City, the one-time Taliban capital, discovered they were short of some 480-odd inmates at breakfast time on Monday morning – a motley collection comprised of Jolly Jihad terrorists and generalised criminal scally types.

“They were very conspicuous by their absence – apparently nobody came down for their Corn Flakes and Vegemite on toast when the meal bell was rung. The guards summoned the Warder from his digs at the local brothel on Zeenat al Sharmuta Street and they then rang my office in Kabul to report the prisoners had become X-Files and been abducted by aliens from the Planet Niburu.”
“However closer investigation discovered a very deep hole in one of the ground floor ‘Honeymoon Suite’ cells, hidden under a prayer mat – which the local police wasted two hours looking into.”

“They eventually summoned Mr Mohammed bin Mole of the Kandahar Spelunkers Club and after Colonel Ras al Shitbag held a loaded pistol to his head he volunteered to go down the tunnel and lead a team of our military police and prison guards, and find out where the prisoners had escaped to."
"They eventually surfaced over half a kilometre away behind Hakim’s Halal Kebab shop on the corner of Goat Bonkers Street – and found themselves confronted by a mountain of excavated earth and rock whose burgeoning height and mass seems to have gone deliberately unnoticed by local officials over the months the Taliban have been digging their tunnel - which had bypassed police checkpoints, the prison watch towers and concrete barriers topped with razor wire. Oh well, shit happens I suppose.”

Meanwhile, over in Kabul, General Liwat Istimna, the chief of President Hamid Kami-Karzai’s notoriously brutal National Directorate of Security and Chairman of the ruling Kleptocracy Party, informed a press hack from the Potholer’s Review that they suspected the elaborate tunnel was the work of the Taliban sapper mastermind, Achmed ibn Himar, formerly the chief civil engineer for Wormhole Construction in Kandahar until one of the infidel US Predator drones demolished his children’s school with Shitehawk missiles after mistaking it for a Taliban flatpack furniture factory - and he swore vengeance against the diabolical agents of the Great Satan.

The local police and prison guards were only too happy to get their greasy palms crossed with silver for allowing foreign news reporters to photograph the roughly hewn deep hole that had been punched through the cement floor of the Honeymoon Suite prison cell with the jack hammers found hidden under the bed – along with a diesel-powered air compressor – the presence of which strongly suggests Taliban collusion with prison guards – who are further suspected of supplying keys to the scores of cell doors that were found to be unlocked – and their occupants gone.

Hmmm, such is the predestined end result when graft and corruption have become institutionalised and the kleptocracy that poses as the government and regional administration centres of US muppet Hamid Karzai are incapable of functioning without it.

The 1,200-inmate capacity Manuke Khara Prison had been part of a plan to bolster the government's presence in Kandahar. The facility underwent extensive security upgrades (a new padlock for the front gates) and tightened procedures after 900 prisoners were freed in a brazen Taliban assault in 2008 when dozens of Islamic freedom fighters on motorbikes and two suicide bombers attacked the prison.
One career self-harming suicide bomber, Shaheed al Ka-Boom, set off an explosives-laden tanker truck filled with stolen NATO Semtex at the prison gate while a second bomber blew open an escape route through the back wall.

One Afghan government official familiar with the Manuke Khara Prison, Mr Mustapha al Weaselfish, spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity, explaining that while the external ‘above ground’ security has been greatly improved, the internal controls were not quite up to scratch – with Taliban prisoners reminding the guards of their Islamic faith and suborning them to their righteous cause. Hence the situation became one of the prison being run by the Taliban, who were in constant mobile phone contact with their outside commanders, and who masterminded the prison break.

However, following a recent wave of assassinations in Kandahar, this most recent breakout underscores the ‘amateurs posing as professionals’ weakness of the Afghan administration in the south despite an influx of NATO troops, mega-bucks funding and US 'military intelligence' (sic) advisers – and further serves to highlight the undiminished spirit and resourcefulness of the Taliban despite reversals of fortune. Obviously, to all intents and purposes, the insurgency to drive out the Western foreign devil invaders doth prosper.

Thought for the day: And the US’s Coalition of the Willing are talking about calling a halt to their Operation Never-Ending Warfare campaign in Afghanistan – withdrawing to battlefields new and handing the ‘good fight’ against the fundamentalist ‘opium crop burning’ Taliban to President Hamid Karzi’s pisspot army?
Hmmm, within three months the Taliban would be in control of Kabul and Karzai would go the same way as the Soviet muppet Mohammad Najibullah – dragged out of the UN compound by Ahmad Shah Massoud’s Taliban fighters, publicly castrated – then hung, drawn and quartered in Aryana Square. Such is the meritorious fate of Quislings and traitorous stooges.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Friday, 29 April 2011

Barky’s New Birth Cert’ Better Class of Forgery

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

US President Barky Hussein O’Barmy, the dodgy Kenyan Muslim cuckoo squatting in the White House and impersonating an Ivy League-educated Christian American, has finally caved to pressure and displayed a brand spanking new copy of his phoney ‘Hawaiian’ birth certificate.

The Washington press corps were sympathetic and too, overtly supportive, with the consensus being “Well, at least it’s a more professional bit of counterfeiting than the previous one – which stuck out like a sore thumb, with the words ‘Kenya’ and ‘Nairobi’ amateurishly deleted with typex fluid, then ‘Hawaii’ and ‘Kapiolani’ scribbled in with pencil.”

The Shite House hopes the move, which comes after interminable months of negative speculation, will be a final blow to the so-called 'birther' movement which maintains the President was born in Darkest Africa and has as much right to be the US President as does that other celebrity muppet - Kermit the Frog.

However, the three year delay in actually producing a copy of the document is being viewed by Barky’s detractors as a most definite sign of dirty dealing and leaves the President open to accusations that the birth certificate produced now is yet another prime example of masterclass forgery by the CIA’s or Mossad’s superb counterfeiting artists.

Conversely, Pres’ O’Barmy told one reporter from the Scamsters Gazette “This ‘birthers’ issue has been going on since Georgie Soros and Brzezinski proposed me as a Presidential candidate, and then they sat back and watched with laughable bemusement how easy it was to get elected without even producing a fucking birth certificate – further compounded by the stupidity of the American public and political establishment for allowing me to take the oath of office - only in America, baby.”

“So, to kill the controversy and keep everybody and their dog happy when I run for a second term, we’ve posted the Hawaiian certificate on my Facebook page as I’ve more important things to do – like dealing with issues that are vital to Baron Rothshite and Tel Aviv – and preparing for the invasions of Syria and Iran and kick starting World War III with China the via the medium of our ‘Iraq 2’ military actions against Libya. Then the anti-Gaddafi revolutionary forces keep control of the oil and gas resources, and we slam the door of opportunity and commerce in China’s face in our first move to shove their pesky competitive noses out of Africa altogether.”

“Now that should scotch the nasty rumours that claim the only reason behind our attacks against the Arab Muslim world is revenge for losing the Holy Land Crusades to the Saracens 800 years ago – even if the same is true of our HAARP earthquake attack on Haiti and the ‘humanitarian aid’ invasion – as payback for kicking our honky imperialist French buddies out in 1804. Believe me, the Illuminati kikesters never forget a slight.”

Alas, regardless of finally presenting this shoddy hoax of a scanned birth certificate for public viewing as the legitimising factor for his Presidency, Barky is still hobbled by a swathe of credibility issues of Biblical proportions concerning both his domestic and foreign policy objectives.
Primarily these include his kikester-infested administration’s deliberate refusal to question Israeli human rights violations against the Palestinian populations of the West Bank and Gaza – and the wholesale murder of Freedom Flotilla peace activists - juxtaposed with his broken campaign trail promise to close down the iniquitous Camp VI Guantanamo Bay terrorist detention facility in Cuba – an abomination whose entrance gateway sign bears the grossly hypocritical motto of ‘Honor (sic) Bound to Defend Freedom’.

While the White House’s venal agenda is transparently obvious to all and sundry as being determined and set by AIPAC and the Wall Street kikesters – O’Barmy’s own mental competence, (or rather lack of such) stricken by the Bell Curve Syndrome and the fact he can’t deliver his laughable Hope and Change speeches (which amount to no more than an insult to the voting public’s intelligence) without the aid of an ear-piece cue and the ubiquitous teleprompter – call into question his suitability and qualifications to sit behind the Oval office desk.

Thought for the day: So, the media have been warned off regarding the conflicting evidence elicited from his Auntie Winnebago Jaffacake in Mombassa, to quote: “Dat little Barky boy, coffee wid cream, he’s de son of ma brudder an’ his honky bitch Annie an’ woz born here in Kenya, in our old village of Nyang’oma Kogelo. Now why he wanna say he woz born in dis Hawaii place is a snub on us an’ all of Africa if he’s denying his banana-munchin’ brudders an’ sistas.”

Alas, Barky’s just another stooge and a pawn in a long line of the ZioNazi Rothshite crime syndicate’s puppets, obeying his Master’s voice - lest he gets 'Grassy Knolled'.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Syrian Envoy’s Wedding Invite Scotched

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Adopting a flawed policy of ‘nothing like leaving it to the last minute’ the Syrian Ambassador to the Court of St. James invitation to Friday's ostentatious pageant (royal wedding) was this morning withdrawn after Foreign Office officials claimed it would be inappropriate for him to attend now the UK have marked the brutalist Damascus government down on their shit list as the next in line for a spot of enforced regime change due their mistreatment of radical socio-economic reform activists.

The decision to invite Dr Sami Jaffacake had recently been the subject of swathes of criticism, amid condemnation of a violent crackdown on pro-democracy protesters in Syria. This move follows advice given to Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the vulgarian Crown Prince of Bahrain (and heir apparent to the Kleptocracy Throne) this week to politely decline his invitation and avoid being an embarrassment to the royals – or himself - when crowds of human rights and wrongs activists pelt him with eggs, over-ripe durians and bags of doggy poo outside Westminster Abbey.

The cross-dressing Foreign Secretary, Willy ‘Cuddles’ Vague, told one reporter from the Pariahs Gazette that Dr Jaffacake’s presence at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleclass would be unacceptable - with Buckingham Palace and Prince Philip sharing that view.
Conversely Dr Jaffacake informed a press hack from the Backstabbers Weekly that he didn’t understand what the problem was or why the invitation had been withdrawn. “This is because President Assad shoots a few Bolshie radical anarchists? I really do not understand the influence of the Zionist media’s black propaganda and smear campaigns on the decisions of Posh Dave Scameron’s government. What bleeding heart liberals Britain is now ruled and controlled by. Well, fuck them too – and I want the Harrods gift-wrapped tea towels wedding present returned.”

A number of Labour MPs, including former foreign secretary Slack Jack Straw – a man with the personality of a chemotherapy clinic - went into his customary whinge mode and expressed concerns about the invitation - contrasting it with the decision not to invite former Labour prime ministers and political pariahs, Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown and Tony Bliar - the celebrity war criminal turned self-promoting Mid-East peace broker (a job he’s obviously still failing to achieve results with considering the current scale of conflicts there).

Straw complained to the Malcontents Review “It’s okay for all these Lib-Dum blokes to get invited – and the old school Eton chums and Bullingdon chew and spew renta-vandal club members like the barmy London Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense. However, I don’t see many Labour Party names down – apart from Eddie Millipede, the idiot Child Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit."
"Just look down the invitation list, it’s a right pig’s ear - while Tom and Dick have been invited, their younger brother Harry missed right out – yet Uncle Tom Cobley and all get to sit in the front row. Bloody Freemasons and secret handshakes yet again, no doubt.”

Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the Crown Prince of Bahrain and King Bongo-Gongo Chuckabutty of Swaziland, both of whose fascist regimes have recently clamped down on pro-democracy protests, were invited to the wedding on 29 April – but they too acceded to Foreign Office advice and pulled out over the weekend so as not to overshadow the event due the actions of their despotic blood-stained regimes.
Conversely, while King Bongo-Gongo will not be attending the wedding ceremony and reception piss-up, his Swaziland Vuvuleza Orchestra will be providing their ‘Wedding March’ recital as Katie Middleclass walks down the aisle at Westminster Abbey.

Did you receive an invitation to Wills and Katie’s do? Ah well, tough shit if you missed out – there’s always the ginger-mingin Prince Harry’s wedding yet to come. Do you think 70 zillion quid’s a fair price for the British public to fork out for their wedding bash? – even if the occasion does bring in mega-bucks of income – as none of that will end up in the taxpayer’s kitty but all in the cash registers of private commercial interests.
Do you think the money could be better spent on filling in the burgeoning pandemic of potholes currently infesting the nation’s highways and byways? How about pursuing tradition and getting Katie Middleclass’s Dad to foot the bill? How about them saving us the expense and getting hitched at the registry office – or living over the brush like the rest of our society?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Vague Tells Syria: “Watch it – or Else!”

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s closet case Foreign Secretary, Willy Vague, the Tory MP for Old Scrotum, acting from a safe distance of several thousand miles and getting carried away with his own illusionary self-importance, today took it on himself to warn the Syrian Arab Republic’s leadership to “Watch it!” over their kicking of a few dissident arses – or else he’d have the UN Security Council pass another No Fly Zone resolution and send in the heavies – just the same as Libya.

Vague, a moronic hypocrite who still believes wood grows on trees, informed one gutter press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that he utterly condemns the violence being used by Syrian military forces against Bolshie anti-government saboteurs and Western-backed terrorists – and further demanded accountability concerning reports that the Syrian Ba’athist government’s 14th Gingham Tea Towel Brigade had detained protesters without trial or access to lawyers at a Guantanamo Bay style concentration camp in total disregard for their human rights – threatening that the UK and its ZioNazi partners were considering the use of ‘harsh measures’ against President Assad’s Damascus regime.

Shit-stirring black propagandists and character assassins working for Ox-Rat, the pro-Zionist international snitch and grasser whistle-blowing watchdog, claim more than 2,000,000 people were killed on Monday by government forces using tactical nuclear weapons to stifle further dissent – prompting the issue of a warning for all UK citizens in Syria to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.
Vague said there were about 700 British nationals in Syria – in addition to the MI6 and 22nd SAS Regiment’s agent provocateurs currently posing as Renta-Camel vendors as a cover for their false flag sniper-fire and grenade-tossing random killings of pro-democracy reform activists which are then automatically blamed on Bashar al-Assad’s paramilitary Plod Squad.

In a statement to the House of Conmans, the Foreign Secretary made the fatal miscalculation of announcing Syria was the next on the UN’s hit list for a round of sanctions and a forcible dose of regime change if they continued to resort to violent repression against the poor activists striving to achieve a programme of radical socio-economic reforms.

Many of the Western-backed Syrian muppet stooges are demanding that President Assad resigns, with those calls being met by an intensified crackdown in recent days as Assad publicly declared that with regard to the continuing global recession and the demand for senior executives being so depressed, he had no intention of quitting just to please a bunch of ingrates, and end up stood in a long queue at the Damascus Jobcentre to claim a pittance of a few Syrian quid per week.

To further compound Syria’s woes, the President of the United States of Israel, Barky O’Barmy, has also advised American citizens to get out before sanctions are imposed and the Predator drones start blasting the shit out of the place with DU-clad Shitehawk ‘tent piercing’ missiles.

On Monday army tanks were reportedly mobilised to Deraa, the one-camel shithole at the centre of protests, with Zionist black propaganda merchants peddling a tale that troops opened fire killing more than a thousand people - although that claim has yet to be independently verified by the News of the World’s phone-hacking journalists.

On the brighter side, Thomas Cook Tours have today announced a 50% cut in their standard rates for two-week vacations in Afghanistan, Syria, Yemen, Bahrain – and Libya – with a freebie lucky bag containing a flack jacket, Kevlar helmet, a digital Geiger counter and a First Aid for Dummies handbook thrown in.

Thought for the day: Reflect well on the brazen hubris and blatant audacity of these Western pro-Zionist hypocrite stooges, these Friends of Israel Club members, as they might conspire to condemn the reported violence being visited on demonstrators protesting for socio-political reforms by the Libyan and Syrian government, yet turn a blind eye to Bahrain’s barbaric treatment of the same, and wholly excuse (don’t say a word / criticism not allowed) the rogue state of Israel for their crimes against humanity in besieging the Arab Muslim Palestinian population – of the usurped (stolen) sovereign nation of Palestine – behind a thirty foot high Great Apartheid Wall and subjecting them to a fish-in-a-barrel / slow cook system of genocide.

The ZioNazi-dominated US and European powers are guilty of no lesser crimes than Libya’s Gaddafi or Syria’s Assad - if reports of the violent nature of their protest suppressions do bear any semblance of veracity - for they promote military actions against another sovereign state under the perjurious banner of humanitarian concern to protect civilians when in truth they consider the entire human race as being no more than cattle and hold such in utter contempt.

All are puppets to sinecurism – this vile corporate political duopoly that has allowed private economic power and multi-national business interests to dominate governments and forward the diabolical agenda of the Protocols of the Elder of Zion and achieve global domination via the medium of multi-theatre military campaigns – to the benefit of the few but the detriment of the many.

So, fuck the Rothshite ZioNazi kikester crime syndicate, and the Freemasonic New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

China Stamps on Christian Worship

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Scores of Chinese Protestants were arrested on Easter Sunday as they tried to gather for an al fresco church service in Beijing - and stand accused of being part of a radical religious cult bent on overthrowing the dystopic Big Brother government of the Peoples’ Marxist Utopia.

The Beijing-based Minister for Brainwashing, Mr Flip Flop Fong, a senior member of the geriatric-ridden Politburo, told gutter press hacks that “Last week it was the radical heavy metal pop group Falun and the Gongs stirring up political dissent. Now we have Reverend Fuk Yew Tu and his ‘Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’, the there’s that Father Sum Dum Fuk and his ‘Church of What’s Happening Now’ – and then we get these Pancake Tuesday Adventists who don’t have a chapel to pray in so they congregated in the parks last Sunday to worship a heathen chocolate rabbit idol they call the Easter Bunny.”

Ms Sue Doku, of the US-based Christian China Aid Association, told one journalist from the Thought Police Gazette that the crackdown on Christian worship had taken on a sinister repressive turn over Easter with worshippers caught in possession of a ‘lucky’ (sic) rabbit’s foot or a Cadbury’s chocolate cream egg being arbitrarily arrested and placed in criminal detention at Beijing’s notorious Smiley Face Transplant Organ Donor Prison.

However this repression is widespread across the length and breadth of China – and into Buddhist Tibet also – and while China's constitution guarantees freedom of religious worship the incumbent Communist regime simply cannot afford to brook any tolerance of a belief system, whether religious or political, that might pose an interrogative challenge to their flawed Marxist ideology.

Just last week Chinese police from the infamous Thug Squad raided a Tibetan Buddhist monastery in Lhasa, killing two monks and maiming several more, following the barbaric example set by Saudi Arabian troops currently deployed in Bahrain to suppress civil liberties and pro-democracy protests.
Apparently tensions have been high since a Lhasa monk, Wonton Willie Wu, set himself on fire with decaffeinated petrol last month in protest against fuel price hikes.

Speaking to one press hack from the Barbarians Gazette, the Minister for Discipline, Genghis Pak Lunch pronounced “What have these Tibetan whingers to complain or demonstrate about? They are all part of the People’s Marxist Utopia of China now – and that’s as good as it gets.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

NATO Impose New Libyan ‘No-Drive’ Zone

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In total conflict with the statutes and provisions of the UN Security Council Resolution 1973 (2011) to enforce a ‘No-Fly’ Zone across Libya to assist the useless General Ras al Nastygit and his anti-Gaddafi rebels in overthrowing the national government, NATO have now adopted their ZioNazi bosses ‘No-Drive Zone’ and a ‘Let’s Bomb Gaddafi’s House’ mandate to try and snuff the elusive nuisance and diminish the strength of his military to zilch.

Hence to achieve this objective a squadron of RAF Tornado fighter aircraft was successfully re-rigged over the Easter weekend with cannibalised spares and attacked three armoured personnel carriers, a full rank of black cab taxis, a Mr Whippy ice cream van and a Domino’s Pizza delivery motor cycle on the outskirts of the besieged city of Misrata yesterday.

Ms Chlamydia Muffitch, the Prime Minister’s spokeswoman told Downing Street reporters "We must prepare for the long haul – Iraq Mk 2, lots of depleted uranium ordnance and three-headed babies once again. This is not a new policy, simply a broad statement of fact and a re-interpretation of the United Nations Resolution 1973 from a ‘No Fly’ zone to a ‘No Travel’ zone for Gaddafi’s troops and supporters.”

On Sunday, in a deliberate dirty finger 'stuff it' contradiction to Pope Benny XVI’s Easter ‘Peace on Earth’ speech from the Vatican, a NATO air strike, carried out by US Predator drones, demolished several civil service buildings at Gaddafi's compound in Tripoli with Shitehawk missiles but typically failed to damage the crazy Colonel’s armoured tent, manufactured from a mix of canvas and Kevlar, and made specially to order by Millets Outdoor Camping Supplies.

General Billy Bob McMoron, the NATO commander, when questioned at a press conference by a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette over the justification for attacking Gaddafi’s ‘Fuhrer Bunker’ compound and snuffing scores of civilian employees, gave the sardonic reply that “This is what we military types refer to as ‘acceptable collateral damage’ which actually translates in any language as ‘dead non-combatants and civilians’. Hey, these guys sup with the Devil so they’re fair game and fuck the Geneva Conventions and Amnesty International.”

“Just wait until these human rights group pukes, who are always whingeing about foreign-funded armed insurrections against legitimate appointed governments, dare turn their backs for five minutes and we’ll have a land invasion force on the ground to help the rebels out and be killing every fucker old enough to bleed. Then the oil majors will be in there faster than shit through a goose and seize control of the Bisto and Marmite wells – and good old Halliburton can come and rebuild the place.”

Thought for the day: It makes no odds who wins or loses (Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Syria, Bahrain, Yemen, Pakistan, Iran – Somalia, Ivory Coast - or the West Bank and Gaza) – just look at the massive profits to the Zionist Kikester military-industrial cabals who are pulling the UN and NATO strings – every time something goes ‘Bang!’ or ‘Ka-fucking-Boom!’ their cash registers go ‘Ding!’ and clock up a shitpile more dollars – and the banksters who finance the warring parties grow fatter on the usurious interest that the loan debt generates. And that’s what it’s all about – mega-bucks war profits - plus maintaining and expanding US Yidster military and commercial hegemony across the known Universe.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Bahrain Prince Warned Off Royal Wedding

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the vulgarian Crown Prince of Bahrain and heir apparent to the Kleptocracy Throne, today informed a reporter from the Despots Gazette that he has been advised not to attend the royal wedding of Prince William and Katie Middleclass next Friday due the ongoing unrest in the micro Gulf kingdom, broadcast widely in a series of disturbing reports by the eagle-eyed Amnesty International and Ox-Rat human rights and wrongs watchdogs, of imported Saudi Arabian renta-thug troops running amok, raping anything with a tight hole, then maiming and killing thousands of pro-democracy activists staging protest rallies and demonstrating for regime change – along with the doctors and nurses who treat their injuries.

The slack-jawed Sheikh Fizzy, who was to represent his autocratic father, His Regal Ruthlessness, King Kess Emakk ibn Zamel, at the ceremony has agreed to take the Foreign Office’s advice and miss out on this chance of a trip to the UK for the wedding and hang out around Soho on the lash, revelling in a few all-night Lucullan drinking sessions, gambling at the casinos, then picking up Grenadier Guardsmen out moonlighting as male prostitutes and catering to the perverted sexual tastes of stinking rich Arab sodomites.

The Crown Prince, a chinless wonder who’s descended from a long line of inbred brutish Philistine scumbags, dating back to the 13th century Saracen warlord, Sheikh Ras al Nastygit, told gutter press hacks in Manama that it was with deep regret that he had reached his considered decision and didn’t wish to be an embarrassment to Willy and Kate on their special day by being the cause and instigation of any type of demonstrations by human rights activists in London over the state of emergency and despicable violent treatment meted out on the pro-democracy protesters in Bahrain, who were - possessed with false optimism - crying out in vain for their civil liberties to be finally recognised and the implementation of long overdue political and socio-economic reforms.

According to a recent post on Julian Blancmange’s WickedLeaks whistleblowing website, the Home Office was quick to scotch a suggestion from Sheikh Fizzy to fly a couple of plane-loads of Saudi Arabian troglodyte thugs over to guard his regal personage while in London and keep order around Westminster Abbey during the wedding ceremony.

However, Whitehall mandarin Sir Wormhole Bogbrush opined to press hacks “For Christ’s sake, we already have enough problems with taxpayer objections to footing the bill for this wedding to the tune of 60 zillion quid when it should be paid for by the bride’s father as per established tradition. We’ve been inundated with complaints as to why Wills and Katie can’t simply have a civil partnership and live over the brush like everyone else – or get hitched at the local Registry Office for a fraction of the cost.”
“All we need is for this semi-civilised goat-shagger to ship in a gang of their Saudi mercenary yobs and start a live fire exercise around Westminster, targeting British protesters.”

During a later interview with the BBC’s ‘Scum Watch’ programme, Sheikh Fizzy further explained “Really, I don’t want our hard-line commitment to a monarchical system, and the three month state of emergency declared to undermine and stifle the popular opposition, to be the source of any complication to the festivities and am now only too happy to oblige with the Foreign Office’s advice and stay at home.”

“Seriously, we definitely don’t want our little fly-speck kingdom to be the next one to get slapped with a UN Security Council no-fly zone resolution just because we shot a few unwashed Bolshie peasants and end up on the Zionist kikesters' New World Order shit list for invasion like Libya and Syria – and Iran – so they can steal our oil and gas. Please, we already have the Great Satan’s 5th Fleet sat on our doorstep in Manama with 4,000-plus infidel Yankee sailors – so no more.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Tory Fuhrer Defends Political Nepotism

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The sanctimonious Posh Dave Scameron has this weekend defended the insidiously corrupt right to bestow internship placements on the noxious and incompetent offspring of friends and colleagues – whereas the Prime Minister's views conflict directly with those of his Lib-Dum deputy Mick 'Janus' Clogg, who believes the practice not only presents a class barrier to social mobility but stinks like a festering midden of simony more so than mere nepotism.

Scameron, a man now stricken with severe credibility issues, informed one gutter press hack from the Scandalmongers Gazette that he saw no problems in awarding work experience positions to friends and personal acquaintances and had recently offered a clerking internship in the House of Conmans accounts department to a neighbour’s son, Rupert Fudgeberry, who couldn’t get a job in the real world due the fact he didn’t have the brains to shit straight.

However, Irwin Bogbrush, the Labour party’s Shadow ‘Minister for Absolute Drivel’, expressed in a privileged Parliamentary speech that “The problem here lies in the fact that these internships are bestowed as patronage to the bungling sprogs of fellow Freemasons and the like - and never on the underprivileged yet meritorious kids of the bloke who cleans Mr Scameron’s windows or cuts the lawn.”
“This represents an abuse of position and power – an actual corruption of political office – to award some talentless oick a station of employment that demands a certain measure and degree of competence, while others, more superbly qualified and of a greater industrious nature, are snubbed due the fact they didn’t attend Eton nor enjoyed membership of Oxford University’s Bullingdon Chew n Spew Dining Club – or know how to do any secret handshakes.”

Speaking candidly and in confidence to a reporter from the Daily Shitraker in the House of Conmans’ saloon bar later, Bogbrush opined “Criticism aside, our Prime Minister maintains he sees nothing wrong with bestowing a “leg-up internship" on this Rupert Fudgeberry character – which to my discerning nostril bears more of the scent of a beast with two backs ‘leg-over’ than a leg-up.”
“At the end of the day someone’s getting marginalised and screwed over, and it isn’t the Horray Henrys and Galloping Godfrey poofter types that seem to be bred by, or attach themselves to, the Tory aristocrats’ ruling clans. Yet another disgusting example of abuse by Britain’s elitist fraternity in Whitehall and Parliament - you might well compare Scameron’s lax views of socio-political right and wrong with the Borgia papacy.”

In a total contradiction to his Master’s voice, deputy PM Mick Clogg went into ‘blackbird bickerage’ mode and criticised the monopolisation of valued internships by the children of the snotty-nosed and well-connected - and publicly shouted down the elitist Conservative fraternity and their absurd sense of entitlement during a ‘blabberwocky’ reveal all piss-up at the Bolshevik Arms pub in Soho.

Here Cloggy was supported and cheered on by career political nihilist Vince Cobble and a few more of the Librarian-Dummercat rebels – including the dipsomaniac ex-Lib-Dum leader Chaz Kennedy until he realised, in typical Jock tradition, that the next round was his shout and pissed off home faster than a rat out of an aquaduct.

Regardless of comeback and stricture from the Conservative whips, Cloggy especially urged corporate entities, such as the City’s major rip-off banks, to appoint interns in a more open and democratic manner, to enable and afford young people from disadvantaged backgrounds the same opportunities to get into competitive high salaried careers where they can feather their nests and donate lots of money to the Lib-Dum Party coffers.

Conversely, the Tory Party office told the media they were quite shocked by Clogg’s comments and pointed out that as from April 2012 the coalition had now mandated that all civil service internships would be available through a simplified process regulated by enhanced transparency – requiring the applicant’s fathers to be Tory Party donors with a 12th degree Freemasonry rank or above and belong to an exploitively expensive golf club.

Thought for the day: While nepotism is a curse of patronage on society in itself, what further damns this practice is the fact the majority of these dodgy appointments of slack-jawed, inbred clots to posts of officialdom that demand competence, and qualification in something more than being pretty good at Monopoly or tennis, is the corrupt tragedy of ‘sinecurism’ - corporatism where political parties and governments are not only sponsored, but actually controlled by private economic power.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Pestco Stage ‘Easter Blaze-athon’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Scores of people were arrested and eight police officers sufficiently traumatised to the extent they had to receive emergency legal advice from a gaggle of ambulance-chasing lawyers and filed a swathe of personal injury claims following violent clashes with Bolshie demonstrators at Smegmadale-on-Sea, sparked by an Anarchy Now organised military-style raid on a newly-opened branch of the ‘Pestco Extra’ Greedy Grocer supermarket chain.

The ill-feeling towards the siting of the store dates back to March 2010 when a row of semi-derelict cottages in the Pikeys Crotch bohemian commune area of Smegmadale, specifically Slumborough Terraces, was sequestered under a compulsory purchase order issued by a cabal of bent local councillors - and court bailiffs from the Renta-Thug Security Agency used brute force to evict scores of squatters who had ‘legally’ occupied the empty dwellings - to facilitate the property’s demolition and the construction of the disputed Pestco supermarket.

Since the evictions the marginalised squatters have been forced to camp out in the adjacent Doggers Woods, with the Anarchy Now militant nihilist group taking up their cause and threatening retribution against the capitalist usurpers following the mortal demise of several of the artsy colony’s senior members, including Dinsdale Spatchcock, the internationally-renowned ‘nose flute’ busker, who collectively stripped to their birthday suits and froze to death during last winter’s weeks-long sub-zero cold snap - as a felo-de-se protest against their eviction and the building of the despised supermarket and all that such monopolising establishments present to the dislocation of traditional and parochial society.

People living in the area who opposed the siting of the Pestco store petitioned several council meetings prior to the evictions and demolitions that they didn’t wish to see Pikeys Crotch lose its colourful artistic character and feared small scale local businesses would be threatened by the dirty discount sales tactics fielded by the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains – all to no avail – hence their remaining singular option of resorting to violent means to broadcast their protest nationally.

Seventy-plus radical demonstrators were arrested and charged with public order offences which ranged from throwing petrol bombs into the supermarket, looting, and crucifying the Pestco manager with a Happy Easter sign hung around his neck and several Cadbury’s cream eggs rammed up his back passage.

Six hundred plods from the Smegmadale Riot Unit were mobilised to quell the disturbance and fought running battles with hundreds of protesters, who showered them with hails of bricks, bottles and poop-scoop bags filled with ripe dogshit in an effort to get their bank holiday weekend message across.

The Pestco chain’s CEO, Shylock Scattstein told the media, “We build them a nice new store but these communist Luddite types want to stay with shitty little corner shops and their alternative Dark Ages lifestyle, so they burn the supermarket down to the ground as a protest – and when the Fire Brigade arrive they take sides with the protesters and just sit and watch as the place goes up in flames. So, we’ll get the insurance money from this disaster and build a branch where people will appreciate it.”

Conversely, Gnasher McScrote, the radical author of the acclaimed iconoclastic condemnation of credit card capitalism and our materialistic society: ‘A Day in the Life of a Soft-Boiled Egg’ - and spokesman for the revolutionary Anarchy Now dissident group - told one press hack from the Daily Shitraker “We’re a schismatic community of non-conformist writers, poets, artists an’ minstrels wot’s given the Big Society the effin’ finger – so bollocks ter these Freemason twats wot’s runnin’ the effin’ council - classin’ us as a bunch of perv’s an’ vagrant alkies an’ drug addict scum an’ havin’ us all evicted from Pikeys Crotch wot’s bin our effin’ home fer years. Effin’ discrimination is wot we calls it – why don’t they just put up an effin’ big sign sayin’ “No Pikeys or Gyppos!” an’ have bleedin’ done wiv it.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Scameron to Block Broon’s IMF Bid

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative coalition Prime Minister, Posh Dave Scameron, today informed one gutter press hack from the Backstabbers Gazette that he intends to block celebrity Scottish bungler, Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown, from becoming head of the International Monetary Fund.

Scameron, a man stricken with severe learning curve difficulties himself, stated for the public record that someone who was Chancellor of the Exchequer and then in the Prime Minister’s seat, and was unaware there was a festering debt problem of Biblical proportions with the UK's economy, might not be the best person to run the global finance watchdog.

The numpty Brown has recently been linked with the IMF job in press reports, with Labour leader Ed Millipede (the Child Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit) claiming his old boss was superbly qualified to screw up the books - and his role in causing the UK’s economic crisis in 2007-2008 by bailing out insolvent banks with the taxpayer’s money instead of letting them go to the wall in grand Darwinian fashion, had been an outstanding piece of fiscal legerdemain that the likes of Robert Vesco and Bernie Madoff would be proud of – turning a recession into a Prozac-resistant deep depression overnight.

Conversely, Scameron told the BBC’s ‘Knobhead Hour’ political analysis programme that the IMF top post required someone who at least had an O-level GCSE in Maths and was possessed with a high degree of extraordinarily competence – like himself – but for which Brown’s qualifications and abilities, as a washed-up politician, fell far short of the mark - especially so with his pathetic record of being an inveterate loser at Monopoly.

“Just look at what he did in the setting up the UK's Financial Services Authority in 1997 without appreciating the complex relations between global institutions – and then put that career kleptomaniac and freeloading oick John Bourne in charge – what a fubar. Now it’s been left to us to resolve the whole mess and my Tory Chancellor Georgie Osborne’s thankfully decided to scrap the entire gravy train institution.”

“You know, if the IMF needs a ‘Jock in a Tartan Frock’ to make the tea, feed the cat, and look after the car park, then Gordon’s probably their man. But a role that’s going to involve keeping both eyes on the ball – well, old Cyclops simply isn’t up to it. Same as if he was appointed to a diplomatic role and went round calling people ‘bigots’ as soon as their backs were turned.”
“Really, isn’t it about time Gordon simply retired and took on a nice little Bargain Booze ‘Stop n Rob’ franchise in Glasgow – which the Lib-Dem’s Mr Kennedy could help out with the running of and stocking the £2 quid a bottle Chateau le Plonk shelves?”

The incumbent head honcho at the IMF, French bean counter Dominique Strauss Khuntt, whose five-year term of office is due to end next year, is expected to stand down ahead of this date to run against the incumbent midget Sarkozy for the French presidency, amid much media speculation that Gordon Brown could replace him. However, as the UK and other major Western economies have an effective veto on the appointment of the IMF's managing director it looks like Scameron’s intimated threat could screw up Broon’s chances big time.

Senior Bank of England economist Percy Higgs-Boson, a sitting member of the IMF’s Third World Debt Policy Committee, suggested Cabbage Patch Dave’s stance was vindictive and small-minded – and probably rooted in high society snobbishness as Gordon hadn’t attended Eton or been a member of Oxford University’s Bullingdon drunken mayhem and vandalism club.

“Let’s be quite honest here. Gordon might be viewed as an accident just waiting for somewhere to happen but he’s not a total moron, so let’s give him a chance to prove his worth and earn a few bob for his retirement fund. I’m sure he’s learned from his mistakes by now and hopefully won’t fuck up the global financial system while in the IMF’s Captain’s chair like he and Alastair Darling did with the British economy.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Malaysia’s ‘Gay Tolerance’ Scores Zero

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Ms Mingeeter Dildodo, Malaysia’s Minister for Political Correctness, personally narrated to a reporter from the Poof Bashers Gazette, draws focus on a Spartan martial style camp set up by the Department of Education to correct the effeminate behaviour of Muslim schoolboys – which she claims violates the law and should be abolished forthwith.

Sixty-nine juvenile boys from St Sodoms School for Latter Day Fudgers, aged between 13 and 17, and identified by teachers as ‘budding shemales’ due their feminine mannerisms and predilection for wearing mascara and lipstick, trying on girl’s clothes and sitting down to pee, began a stern regime of counselling this week at Camp Kai-Tai in the Genting Highlands rainforest to discourage them from turning into transvestites or raving faggots.

The students have been mandated to undergo four weeks of religious and physical education to guide them back to a proper path in life – such as attending their local Mosque madrassa’s Jihad courses and training to become a shaheed Semtex suicide vest terrorist bomber alike the revered Muslim martyr, Mohammed al Ka-Boom - and not have other men's cocks stuck up their arseholes – or be providing suck n swallow blow jobs.

Conversely, Minister Dildodo believes this is yet another typical example of Islamic dogma and intolerance, and that singling out these children based on perceived feminine mannerisms is traumatising and harmful to their mental health – plus the entire essence of the camp violates Malaysia’s Child Act, which protects children without prejudice and allows them a certain degree of self-determination.

How much of a degree of self-determination is argued by the Education Secretary, Mr Liwat Pondan. “If we allow any digression from the accepted norms of our Muslim society the next thing we’re going to end up the same as the corrupt and decadent West – alcoholics, rug-munching lesbians, turd-burgling arse bandits, drug addicts and Catholic paedo’ priests. Now all that type of perversion might be acceptable in the United States of the Great Satan or Amsterdam or Hamburg or Marseille or London – but not in downtown Kuala Lumpur and under the strict edicts of Sharia law.”

“Hence we intend to nip this kind of errant sexual behaviour in the bud or the next thing they’re going to be into these breast-enhancing female hormones and growing boobs and performing fellatio on other boys and allowing themselves to be buggered – then they’re taking out bank loans so they can afford transgender surgery and have a woman’s pussy. This is not the image we wish to portray to the world that half the male population of Malaysia are shirt lifters and closet banjies (ladyboys).”

Rupert Pukimak Kau, director of the gay rights group ‘Iron Hoof Pride’ also jumped on the publicity bandwagon, but to criticise the measure, saying it promotes homophobia in the Muslim-majority country - where gay sex is still illegal anyway and poofters face discrimination from government policies - such as the hypocritical legal statute that makes sodomy – between men - punishable by 20 years in prison (oh yes, a sodomite’s paradise) – but no such criminal statute exists to punish a man who gives his girl friend or wife a stiffy up the back passage and she ends up constipated for the next week.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

EUSSR to Form Own KGB

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Eurocrat hierarchy in Brussels are busy burning the midnight oil, scheming through the hours of darkness to set up a new EUSSR counter-terrorism agency that the Ripoffs Gazette forecast will cost British taxpayers hundreds of zillions of pounds – precious funds from the public purse that were ear-marked as Merry Christmas performance bonuses for struggling bankster’s.

News of the top secret spy agency’s formation was leaked to Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers watchdog charity by whistle-blowing moles operating deep inside the Brussels-based kleptocracy – who estimate the body could turn into a European-wide secret police force that would make the KGB look like PC McGarry’s Camberwick Green plod squad.

The EUSSR’s current counter-terrorism tsar Aldous de Sleaze, a former French urinal attendant, envisages the new organisation working alongside the community’s bloated diplomatic corps, headed by the piranha-fanged Foreign Affairs Secretary, Baroness Carrie Gashton – aka Big Brother’s ‘Sister’.

Monsieur de Sleaze is conspiring to amalgamate a series of existing EUSSR security agencies including Eurocreep, ScumCop, Spicprick, PikeyPol, Cesspit Plods and GyppoTech - all to be pulled together in one body with draconic sweeping powers to conduct unwarranted phone taps and make arbitrary arrests and no-limit detentions based on nothing more than intuition, a shifty sideways glance or the colour of a bloke’s socks – a system based on the highly efficient 1933-1945 Nazi German Gestapo model.

However critics fear that once given licence and free rein then the new agency will become yet another bloated bureaucracy wielding Kafkaesque powers across the expanse of the 27 nation dystopic community – staffed by the usual mental midget sociopaths and pariahs that seek dominant control over others through the medium of a badge and a uniform with shiny buttons.

Gnasher McTwatt, director of Ox-Rat, opined to one gutter press hack from the Tyranny Gazette “Yeah, just yer wait an’ see wot the fuck happens. Effin’ agents on every street corner an’ bus stop and train station platform – demandin’ ter see yer all-new biometric ID card wot’s gonna have all kinds of personal shit on it – even down ter wot colour skiddies or thong yer wear on a Tuesday. It’s just gonna turn out ter be an even more intrusive policing agency than wot we’re stuck wiv already wiv all this 'panopticon society' CCTV shite – checkin’ and controllin’ every effin’ thing yer do. And yer know wot comes next, don’t yer – effin mobile brain scans - wantin’ ter look inside yer fuckin’ head ter see wot yer thinkin’.”

Would you like to sign up and be a part of our ‘Secure Europe’ EuroPlod force? Can you learn to say “Ello, ello, ello – wot ‘ave ‘we ‘ere then?” in German, French or Serbo-Croat? Would the authorised right to give some swan-roasting pikey a good kicking appeal to the sadistic side of your nature?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could be wearing a nice black uniform complete with double lightning flash runes and a death’s head skull on the epaulettes – empowered to stop and search whoever takes your fancy – including the tasty MILF with the big tits and bubble buns that lives down the road.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Risk Aversion Turns Kids into Wimps

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A recent survey commissioned by the Libservative Coalition’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has found that traditional playground games like British bulldog, conkers and pissing competitions are disappearing from many of England's schools.

Thirty per cent of the 666 school staff surveyed across our sceptred isle reported that the age-old chasing game of ‘Tar and Feather the Poofter’ had been banned from their school following legal actions and personal injury claims.
Fourteen per cent said pupils were now banned under HSE regulations from playing conkers and a further nine per cent said the sport of ‘Leapfrog’ had all but ceased to be practiced due fears of it turning into a prurient ‘beast with two backs’ sodomite rape-athon if gay pupils got carried away at the sight of another male bending over.

A full and unanimous 100% were of the opinion that schools were becoming increasingly hazard averse due the moronic and obsessive culture of health and safety risk assessments before putting one foot before the other - with teachers, lecturers, support staff and school leaders in agreement that the most dangerous playground pastime was now cellphone texting - which occasionally resulted in a trip to the local A & E with a broken fingernail.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, head teacher at St Rupert’s School for Latter Day Wimps in Smegmadale, told one reporter from the Pitfall Gazette that "The local education authority directed us to ban games of conkers in the playground even if the players were wearing body armour, goggles and work gloves due the fact that nut allergy sufferers are increasingly allergic to the atomised dust thrown up by them when they get twatted really hard and shatter." – the same as depleted uranium shells and bombs causing a 10,000 year radiation hazard on the battlefield.”

“Actually though, in my personal opinion, it’s all more at scaremongering propaganda and more likely a ‘nutty allergy’ with them going bonkers over conkers. If we go out for a nature walk down through the local Doggers Wood and the kids want to play hide and seek, they’ve got to be kitted out with a GPS locator beacon in case any of them get lost.”

“Since this calamitous coalition government got into power and all the protests over tuition fee hikes and local government spending cuts kicked off, the kids have been watching the demo’s on the telly and started their own make-believe Plods and Anarchists game, where someone would be in a wheelchair and get tossed out and dragged across the road – and another would pretend to be a news vendor and get beaten to death, and one of the girl protesters would have her orange juice drink mistaken for a suicide bomb and get her face punched in – and all good clean fun too – until the Plod team started ‘kettling’ the Protester team and several pupils were badly scalded with boiling water.”

“While we recognise the need to keep children safe, they still need to take measured risks to develop real life skills and be permitted to explore their physical and mental limits - and thus learn to negotiate physical tasks at their own pace - which they obviously can't do if they don't encounter risk.”
“Good gracious, when I was a schoolgirl, if any of the boys hadn’t lost a few teeth in a fistfight or fallen out of a tree or down a cliff and broken at least one arm or leg by the time they were moving from primary to secondary school they were labelled with the stigma of being a sissy.”

“To see how far this idiotic EUSSR-mandated health and safety risk assessment culture has progressed towards total madness, even our school boy scout and girl guide troops are now restricted when setting up camp fires to inform the local fire brigade the day previously so the site can be inspected and types of foraged dead wood checked for suitability as kindling and for burning – and then the effort’s further impeded by regulations stating there must be at least two Type A fire extinguishers on hand , plus one bucket of sand and one of water – and a fire blanket – and a mobile smoke alarm.”

“My God, just imaging the risk assessment required if any of our kids wanted to play ‘spin the bottle’. Pre-checks for STD’s, kitted out with condoms and vaginal pessaries – plus written consent to get kissed or groped. Now where’s the fun in that?”

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

RAF Typhoon Aircraft Spares Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Earlier this week an RAF Typhoon, Britain’s most advanced fighter jet, carried out a bombing raid over Libya, dropping a full skip load of paving stones which destroyed a Misrata orphanage and the adjacent Akim’s Halal Kebab outlet.
It was the first time the RAF's latest warplane has carried out an actual ground attack mission as opposed to sitting on a runway or in a hanger at Pikey’s Crotch Airfield in Norfolk due lack of fuel or owing to the acute shortage of spare parts and operational ordnance – such as windscreen wipers, fan belts, machine gun ammunition, HE bombs and Shitehawk missiles.

The MoD was quick to release a video of the successful strike, with blood-soaked screaming children running around like headless chickens while passers-by looted freebie kebabs from the ruins of Akim’s stall.
MoD mandarins are hoping that the video will deflect some of the criticism of the Typhoon project, which Sir Armitage-Shanks, head honcho of the Parliamentary public accounts committee, claims is more fucked up than a soup sandwich.

They further noted that of 48 Typhoon pilots on the books able to fly the aircraft, only eight were fully trained for ground attack missions – with the remaining 40 still having problems with forgetting to release the handbrake and synchronising clutch/gear change shifts.
However, the RAF was keen to point out that past problems of having insufficient fuel and bombs have been resolved after borrowing some from the Libyan rebels - plus they now had significantly more than eight pilots ready to carry out bombing raids – ten to be exact.

That said, the RAF was in a piss-poor state materially and clearly stretched when meeting all its operational requirements – hence dropping ‘paving stones’ on the Misrata orphanage and Akim’s ‘chew n spew’ fast food stall - and not clusters of Texas Instrument’s finest 500 pound GBU Paveway laser-guided bombs or a couple of canisters of super-screamer Napalm B - a profit-spinning Dow Chemical innovation.
(Yep, Dow Chemical – the same company whose website carries the ironic, hypocrisy-loaded banner of ‘Protecting the Planet on Earth Day – and Every Day’ – and no mention of how well their napalm sticks to kids).

In a condemning addition to their already-caustic report the Parliamentary committee claimed that the RAF were cannibalising aircraft for spare parts in order to keep the maximum number of Typhoons in the air on any given day – a factor Air Marshall Borkum-Riff fielded and buck-passed with political proficiency – blaming the snafu on the small group of key industrial suppliers who alone possess the technical and design capability to build, upgrade and support the jets – whose ranks include Halfords, Bike Shack, Quick Fit, Pikey Pete’s Car Boot Emporium and B & Q - for refusing to supply further spares until the MoD pay them for their last pre-Xmas 2010 gift wrapped shipments.

The overall cost of maintaining the Tornado programme is now estimated at £20.2 billion quid, with the cost per plane rising from £72 zillion to £126 zillion nicker since Chancellor Georgie Osborne upped the ante on VAT on luxury items.
Further, the Parliamentary committee complained that the MoD had been unable to offer a coherent explanation that made any fucking sense at all of a 2004 decision to equip the Typhoon fleet for ground attack operations at a cost of £119 zillion quid apiece, only to switch them back to an air defence role in 2009, a year after the upgrade was finally ready – and the ridiculous ‘Save a Civilian’ no-fly zone combat operations began over Libya – which required ‘ground attack’ fighter capabilities.

In a closing aside to the Parliamentary public accounts committee report, Armitage-Shanks summed up the entire RAF operation with a concisely-damning "The history of the Typhoon fighter aircraft represents yet another example of over-optimism, bad planning and an unacceptably inflated bill for the taxpayer. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Agenda 21 Rears Ugly Head Again

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

This week’s online English language edition of Der Ubermenche, the neo-Nazi magazine for all budding Messianic despots and genocidal eugenics proponents, contains an in-depth interview with Prof Hans Joachim Schellnhuber, the German ‘eco-facist’ Director of the Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research.

Schellnhuber, a reformed rhubarb addict who still believes wood grows on trees, announced during the interview that he would soon unveil his personal Master Plan for transforming global society.
Que? An anorak totally lacking knowledge in the studies of anthropology and sociology, proposing the answers to correcting Mother Nature’s frequent aberrations and the foibles of Homo sapiens lie in the advanced guesswork hit and miss science of Climatology?
Now that’s got to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and send a shiver down the spine – another fucking German with a plan to transform our pale blue dot and human society into their concept of Utopia.

Is it just me or does a pervasive sense of déjà vu kick in here? Authoritarian Nazi morons sorting the Aryan wheat from the Neanderthal chaff inside the barbed wire confines of some shithole whose communal showers stink of Zyklon B gas and has an ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’ sign over the gates.

Alas, it’s the same old story under a different moniker. Agenda 21, the Thousand Year Reich, the Project for a New American Century, the New World Order – but still the Khazar-Ashkenazi kikester’s active game plan for achieving the aims of the racist Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion – no less than total global domination.
Hmmm, just the title is sinister enough in itself: ‘The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion’ – but what kind of prophetic intellect could dream up such a graphic piece of counterfeiting to serve as the ultimate anti-Semitic black propaganda smear against the Jews – a forgery so well concocted that every single one of the twenty-four venal ‘Protocols’ has, to date, come to pass just as this purported Tsarist Russian Okhrana-drafted forgery originally predicted - and all to the benefit of the evil Zionist cabal – at the material detriment of a series of third parties, of course.

However, call it what you will, it all comes down to the secret Satanic cabal of insane power-mongers, this Masonic ZioNazi elitist fraternity - deluded by their absurd sense of ‘genetic superiority’ and entitlement - imposing their hegemony to implement a massive 90% cull of the human species – those the self-appointed Illuminati pondscum kikesters term as ‘goyim’ – the so-called ‘useless eaters’. Human cattle that their God has contemptuously deemed will serve them as slaves.

Such is the sad state of the human condition when we have megalomaniacs like Schellhuber loose and afforded the opportunity to voice their unqualified arrogance and homicidal opinions in the media; to express their distorted view that human society needs to be scaled back and managed by an elite group of Olympian ‘sages’ who know what’s good for the sheeple they hold in contempt.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day: Fuck Herr Professor Schellnhuber’s scheme for putting euthanasia back on the Agenda 21 menu for the majority of the human race – and double-fuck the ZioNazi Freemasons and their New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Banksters: Ring Fenced or Necks Wrung?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s Independent Commission on Banking, working under the direction of Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, the Libservative Coalition’s head honcho at the Ministry of What Can We Fuck With Next, has released an interim report recommending that all British-based banks' retail operations should be "ring-fenced" from their investment banking arms – unfortunately falling well short of emphasising that the two should operate as separate entities and not continue with the fatally-flawed fallacy of being segregated by a half-metre high Chinese Wall that every fucker and their dog can reach across and dip their sticky fingers into for purposes of sub-prime mortgage exposure and financial derivatives speculation.

The commission was established by the government in June 2010 to review the criminal incompetence of UK banks after the gambling casino doctrine and practices of derivative-addicted banksters caused a financial crisis of Biblical proportions and left the public purse bleeding like a stuck pig from bailing them out to the tune of zillions of quid – an amount economists still refer to as ‘a very big pile of dosh’.

However regulators and critical public watchdog bodies alike are already voicing their fears that the ICB’s final report, hopefully due for release sometime in the next five years, will not recommend the ‘Darwin Awards Solution’ to be imposed on banks that are faced with insolvency and collapse in the future – with failing financial institutions allowed to go to the wall under the philosophy of ‘survival of the fittest’ – hence weeding out the inept bunglers from the bankster’s ranks – as per the singular case of the St Shylock Bank of Latter Day Kikesters which was picked up by the Nigerian ‘419 Bank’ at one penny on the pound and the entire operations moved to Lagos.

Conversely, one vociferously fierce banking sector critic, the spokeswoman for Ox-Rat, the public watchdog charity, Soundbite Sally McSkank, informed a press hack from the Spendthrifts Gazette that “Government guarantees of support for the banks - with taxpayer’s money as the resource of bail-out salvation - encouraged an unhealthy culture amongst lenders and borrowers of taking excessive and ill-understood risks.”

”The ultimate solution of course is to dismember this sinister corporate political duopoly that allows big business interests to dominate government and demand implicit protection for their fiscal gambles. In my opinion banks should henceforth be mandated to hold more cash in reserve to protect against future crises, and that creditors, not taxpayers, should be liable for any losses. While ring-fencing the retail side of a bank’s operations might fall short of what many creditors demanded – that the banksters were castrated then strangled with a barbed wire garrotte – it will hopefully prevent future cases of insolvency and being bailed out with public funds.”

“Regardless, with the Bank of England’s piss poor 0.5% interest rate set to skyrocket to 4% and above within the coming months to combat this galloping inflation conundrum, which will add more than a £100 quid per month to a typical mortgage, families need to brace themselves ready for yet another round of evictions."

However, Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, interviewed on the BBC’s Bankruptcy Hour programme, announced “It’s not a matter of us running out of money again and having to go cap in hand to Uncle Mervyn at the Bank of England to do one of his quantitative easing tricks and print off another truckload of £20’s. We’ve got plenty in the kitty from what we’ve saved so far in laying off half the country’s Plod Squad and re-scheduling the ‘Pikey Patching’ of last winter’s resulting potholes in the UK road system with a blob of tarmac until 2015 – weather permitting.”
“One thing I must say and dispel these nasty rumours going around that the entire purpose of the IBC review is to protect the actual retail banking customers and ‘not’ ring-fence the bankster’s bloated annual bonuses to ensure they don’t lose out if their bank goes tits up.”

So, how the fuck did we actually end up being ruled and governed by corporatism - and a greedy, grasping voracious strain of Shylock corporatism at that too. Okay we know it goes back to Jewish money lenders in the Temple of Mammon - then the Vatican has made an artform of dominant commerce out of religion since the year dot AD.
But for the UK it probably started – this modern theme – with the Stuart monarchs – specifically that cunt James 1st – the great monopoly seller – and the 1694 formation of the privately owned Old Slag of Threadneedle Street – the Bank of England (read Bank of the Black Nobility) – to act as the Government's usurious bankster and ‘debt-manager’to finance William of Orange's incessant foreign wars.

Since then its role has developed and evolved, centred on the mis-management and minting of the nation's currency and its position at the centre of Britain's current bankruptcy system.
As of today it is controlled by a cabal of Satanists posing as Sabbatean-Frankish Jews – headed by that sinister, blood-sucking Illuminati elitist, Baron Ja’akoff Rothshite.

Thought for the day: So much for the Independent Commission on Banking when the UK’s High Street retail financial institutions are allowed to operate this criminally-moronic and fatally-flawed ‘Fractional Reserves’ deposit and loans system where they can lend out a ‘supposed’ maximum (often more) of ten times the amount they have on deposit.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Defra Combat Sheep Rustling

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Spring lambing season’s in full swing - with a nice shoulder of baby sheep from your local Greedy Grocer supermarket chain now so exorbitantly priced that most people have to call their bank manager first to get permission to buy a couple of chops and a jar of mint jelly.

So, little wonder the rustlers are taking advantage of the fact the sheep aren’t kept locked up in a high security barn but left to wander around the fields all night – hence they’re out and about kidnapping the junior mutton stocks during the hours of darkness and cutting a tidy, albeit criminal, profit with no fear of more than a community service order sentence if copped as rustling sheep is no longer a hanging offence.

While one innovative Ulster farmer in the heart of Carson country came up with a spiffing idea of dying his sheep flock orange to deter the rustlers – which is fine if there’s going to be a fashion fad for orange sweaters this coming winter - Defra, on being informed of this security measure, have taken it one step further and shipped in a container load of radioactive waste from Japan’s defunct Fuckupshima nuclear power station to mix with hi-viz yellow sheep dip pigment and produce a glow in the dark effect so farmers can count their woolies at night.

In an interesting aside to sheep rustling, sixteen lambs were discovered driving what turned out to be two stolen cars when they were pulled over for speeding on the M5 by a police patrol car from Smegmadale’s Moron Unit.

When PC Fuctifino approached the first car, a 4 x 4 Land Rover, one lamb was sat behind the wheel, with two lamb passengers huddled up on the front passenger seat sharing the same safety belt – and a further five lambs spread out across the rear seat – along with a man and woman who identified themselves as Wolfie the Shepherd and Red Riding Hood.

On discovering the self-same situation in the other vehicle, a Mitsubishi Shogun, again packed with eight lambs and a certain individual sat in the back who gave his name as ‘Mint Sauce Mick’, PC Fuctifino rightly suspected someone was trying to pull the wool over his eyes and logged on to the DVLA database to check the registrations of the vehicles – only to find both had been reported stolen earlier that morning.

The three passengers pleaded ignorance to the fact the vehicles had been nicked, claiming the lambs were on a day out excursion to watch the annual sheep dog trials at Old Scrotum and they’d simply come along for the ride.

As neither of the lambs behind the wheels of the 4 x 4’s were able to produce valid licences or proof of identity – and also smelled strongly of alcohol - they were summarily arrested and taken into custody on charges of driving a stolen vehicle while intoxicated and pending further investigations.

Ms Candida Muffitch, the director of Mutant Monitor, the GM foods watchdog, opined to a reporter from the Chimera Gazette concerning the incident “This is where growing GM Frankenfoods and cloning farm animals is leading us – now we have a flock of Dolly look-alikes who’ve evolved into the most dangerous of creatures – sheep with ambitions and a sense of purpose.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Friday, 15 April 2011

Poofters Tossed Out of London Pub

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Two men, who candidly described themselves as ‘a bit gay’, have told press hacks of how they were ordered to leave a central London pub after a member of staff objected to them snogging at the bar.
Rupert Gammer, 23, a resident of Pikey’s Crotch, told a reporter from the Cottagers Gazette that he and his friend Ginger Simon, 26, were thrown out of the Jolly Fudgers pub in St Sodoms Square, Soho for having a quick smooch and a cuddle.

Rupert, a Samaritans call centre counsellor, articulating in his best Polari, continued “I mean to say, it isn’t as though we were having a quick charver in the khazi as we simply don’t do tootsies trade. We were just gargling a few drinkies and chatting about our friend Bradley’s remould job in Morocco and getting a bit giggly perhaps about him having the full cut and tuck and calling himself Blanche."
"Anyways, I gave Ginger Simon a peck on the lips and had a quick grope of his willets and stuck my tongue in his ear, then this piece of rough trade who says he’s the Landlord comes over and calls us a pair of ‘iron hoofs’ and threatens to kick us out of the bungery if we carried on being obscene.”

“Well, we promised to behave our naughty selves and had another Migraine Mixers or three, and Ginger kept fondling my crotch so I got all hot and bothered and gave him a big sloppy kiss, then this naff old baggage with tattoos on her forearms and horrid dentistry came up behind the bar and says to me “Right, enough’s enough - you and yer bitch can eff off out of here right now – if not sooner!” – so we scarpers double quick before someone got a good slapping.”

Ginger Simon, a Kentish Town manicurist who only recently poked his head out of the closet door, confided to the media that he was “left traumatised and shaking and in tears – with mascara running down me cheeks and me new silk Jimmy Choo-Choo blouse” - after Mrs Chlamydia McSlagg, the pub's landlady, told them to “Piss off down Doggers Woods where yer belong wiv the rest of the arse bandit faggots.”

Rupert and Ginger Simon today posted a graphic description of their terrifying experience on Facebook, cyberspace’s number one social backstabbing website – with a warning to all those of the gay persuasion to boycott the Jolly Fudgers pub – and after filing a complaint with the Soho Plod Squad for discrimination on sexual grounds, have further forwarded a second complaint to Troublespot Taverns, the pub’s owners, who are now part of the giant Pitbull Brewery group.

Ms Mingeeter Dildodo, a legal beagle with Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot (Solicitors) and a gay rights activist, informed one press hack from the red top Rugmunchers Review “This type of treatment of gay persons is not on and I’ll be pushing the Met’s police force to fully investigate the matter and file charges under the statutes of the Anti-Discrimination Act 2003.”

Conversely, the Landlord of the Jolly Fudger, Mr Genghis McSlagg, informed the media “It ain't a matter of homophobia but we don’t need a couple of effeminate douchebag turd burglars comin’ in our pub an’ getting’ pissed an’ rabbitin’ on about the joys an’ delights of anal sex wiv another bloke while they’re stood at the bar fiddlin’ wiv each other’s privates - then goin' around mixin' wiv polite society an’ spreadin’ this AIDS thing wot all these bumboy types seem ter catch.”
“Seriously, I kid you not, it does my effin’ head in ter see some geezer wearin’ a tart’s makeup wiv his tongue down another bloke’s throat an’ gropin his crotch. Like the Bible sez – poofters are an abomination – an yer don’t wanna start arguing wiv the Bible an’ the word of God now do yer.”

“It’s not that long ago it woz a criminal offence wot carried a custodial sentence – then a bunch of shirt lifters in Parliament got a law passed in 1967 wot made it legal fer blokes ter shag each other like two dogs goin’ at it – an’ wiv all this political correctness an’ equal rights an’ discrimination bullshit yer can’t even object ter their disgustin’ public behaviour. So wot stupid law are they gonna pass next – make it compulsory ter be a poof an’ take it up the arse?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

Dubai Tops Vacation Murder Hotspots

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

For any of us who identify with the human community it’s bad enough getting mugged while on vacation, or involved in even a minor fisticuffs altercation with the locals. However, when you get arrested for making a stink while rightly complaining that your £1,000 quid per night 7-star deluxe hotel room service is shite, then get a good kicking in the kidneys and ribs from the local Plod Squad’s barbarians in a police cell – well, that’s the time to thank your lucky stars you had the foresight to take out the IATA travel insurance with a comprehensive health care plan attached – plus the all-inclusive funeral expenses.

Which is precisely what Bazzer McScrote, 39, from Slumborough Hamlets in East London will now require after being beaten to death while in the 'protective' (sic) custody of the Dubai police.

The UK Foreign Secretary, Willy Vague - (currently just camped down the road in Qatar where he and a cabal of like-minded warmongers are in conclave and plotting how to breach the UN’s no-fly zone ruling on Libya so they can actually invade the place and snuff Gaddafi - or send in NATO’s secret weapon – U2 frontman Bono – and bore the eccentric Colonel into exile) - has demanded a full investigation into the disturbing incident, informing one press hack from the Sadists Gazette that this was as bad as news vendor Ian Tomlinson getting twatted with a steel baton and shoved violently to the pavement by PC Simon Harwood, one of the London Met’s Thug Squad officers, at the G20 demonstrations on April Fool’s Day in 2009 – then having the sheer audacity to drop dead as a result – right in front of news cameras.

Vague has also instructed the British Consular staff in Dubai to kick up a bit of a stink and get some guarantees concerning the safety and continued well-being of four other Britons held at the same notoriously brutal Bur Dubai police station on the corner of Bala’a il A’air and Ibn Zamel streets.

The gospel according to reports in a number of red top gutter press tabloids claims the deceased, Mr McScrote, was arrested on the 6th April over a row at the luxury Burj Al Arab Hotel while on holiday. Apparently McScrote had requested room service from the hotel’s in-house Happy Ending rub n tug massage parlour, with a Thai masseuse, Ms Katoy Ai-Heea, providing the therapy. Apparently she also offered extra ‘sensation’ services for $50 which included an erotic ‘suck-swallow-suck’ blow job.

However, the story from the front desk concierge, Mr Umak Sharmuta, who spoke to journalists on conditions of anonymity and a 200 dirhams back-hander, revealed that a wholly dissatisfied Mr McScrote complained to the hotel’s manager that Ms Ai-Heea’s ‘love you long time sucky-sucky’ performance was far less satisfying than promised.

McScrote further explained that this lack of professionalism was compounded by the fact that she gagged and spat a whole gob-full of ejaculated jism out of the window then went and cleaned her teeth in the bathroom with his brush – and had added insult to injury by making his haemorrhoids bleed due her sharp fingernails while giving him a ‘finger-fuck’ prostate massage – concluding with a loudly proclaimed “So if that’s the best the Burj al Arab can offer in the way of a 7-star blow job then I want an effin’ refund!”

Apparently the hotel manager, Mr Ghaban Kess Emakk, a person afflicted with severe learning difficulties, refused to refund the $50 and further called the police to file a complaint that McScrote had solicited a member of the hotel staff to prostitute herself and perform a lewd and perverted sexual act for money.

McScrote was duly arrested and regardless of his protests of innocence and shouts of “Yer raghead dog wankers!”- carted off in the meat wagon to the Bur Dubai police station where he was allegedly given a good kicking and sodomised with a truncheon, then left in a solitary confinement cell for several days – until being discovered in a stiffening rigour mortis state on Tuesday morning, the12th April and later pronounced dead on arrival at the downtown Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer Memorial Hospital.

So, read this, tremble and beware all you would-be Persian Gulf tourists. Dubai, alike the rest of the seven United Arab Emirates, might well be posing as civilised holiday destination yet is still populated by a bunch of goat-bonking Bedouin savages whose police force is comprised of a gang of xenophobic cretins who like nothing better than getting one up on heathen honkeys – especially so visitors from the Great Satan – and since 9/11 and the illegal invasions of the Islamic sovereign states of Afghanistan and Iraq, that pet jingoist hatred now also extends to include Britain.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, spokeswoman for the London-based ‘Detained In Dubai’ support group, told press hacks that “Apparently the only qualification required to join Dubai’s police force is an NVQ 1 diploma in Basic Barbarism – and thus stands it in similar stead to the emirate’s fucked up judicial system which consists of the Court of First Instance, the Court of Appeal, and the Court of Castration.”

Likewise, Candida Mingerot, the director of Ox-Rat, the international human rights and wrongs watchdog charity, told the media “Bazzer McScrote gettin’ arrested like that’s a load of old bollocks cos prostitution’s effin’ rife in Dubai an’ the other emirates cos of all the ex-pat high rollers an’ rich Arabs wot want ter shag a bit of foreign pussy – an’ the whores pay off the cops every week anyways. So the bastards give the lad a right kickin’ then leave him banged up in solitary fer a week an’ never check on him an’ he snuffs it – chokin’ on his own spew.”

“Not exactly conformin’ ter Article 25 of the UAE Constitution wot provides for the equitable treatment of persons wiv regard ter race, nationality, religious beliefs or social status, is it – an’ definitely not doin’ owt ter promote effin’ tourism.”

The porcine and egoistic, self-promoting Dubai Police Chief, Dhahi Khalfan Tamim, informed a gaggle of reporters that “This man McScrote is thought to be a self-harmer that has taken his own life to make us look bad and damage the reputation of the Burj Al Arab Hotel – which was the pride of Dubai until we built the Burj Khalifa – the tallest hotel in the Universe. It is his own fault he got arrested – first making some hanky panky with the massage girl then complains she did not swallow his vile infidel seed – and that her fingernails were too sharp for his back passage – then insults the arresting officers by calling them camel jockeys and sand niggers. So now he is dead – Insh’Allah.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.