Witchcraft Duo Burned at Stake

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An African couple from Kinshasa, capital of the DR Congo, who tortured and murdered 15-year old Winnebago Jaffacake, a relative they accused of using witchcraft to make the breakfast toast burn every morning, were today punished according to the latest statutes of Brussels EUSSR Equal Rights legislation – and burned at the stake.

Yodcoco Tadpole, 29, and her partner Twatcha N’kunta, 28, both in London on economic refugee / welfare benefits application visas, were described as being a rather superstitious pair of tossers and found guilty of the murder of Ms Tadpole’s younger brother Winnebago on Christmas Day in 2010 after days of being ‘water tortured’ in the family bath - to extract a confession that it was his magic spells and curses that caused the toaster to burn slices of bread - and not the fact the machine was actually fucked when bought for £2 quid from Pikey Pete’s Car Boot Emporium the previous week.

In addition to the burned toast issue, the deceased was further accused of using a magic spell to ‘mute’ Mr N’Kunta’s ‘Snap, Crackle and Pop!’ breakfast cereal and curdle the milk.

According to Plod Squad and CPS evidence and testimonies, the bath has been filled to the brim with cold water and a chair rigged to act as a ducking stool – to which Winnebago was sat and bound then submerged to extract a confession for his crimes of sorcery – a method described by the Prosecution’s Ms Sue Fleecem QC as the medieval equivalent of the CIA’s modern-day water boarding technique.

In light of the legion of injuries suffered by her younger brother, the Prosecution refused to accept Ms Tadpole’s plea of accidental death that Winnebago drowned after he was placed in a bath for ritual cleansing and inadvertently dropped off to sleep.

During the trial, the court heard the coroner’s autopsy evidence that Winnebago’s body bore physical signs he had been attacked with knives, sticks, metal bars, ceramic floor tiles, bottles and a hammer and a chisel by Mr N’Kunta, who also used a pair of pliers to tear off both his ears for bringing kindoki (witchcraft) into his home.

The Winnebago sisters, Minjeeter and Candida, aged 9 and 3 years old respectively, escaped further attacks after confessing to being witches while Winnebago was singled out as the guilty party after shitting his pants while being hit over the head with a claw hammer.

Has anyone cast a black magic spell on your kitchen appliances recently? Have the acoustics of your breakfast cereal suddenly gone silent? In your opinion what is a fitting penalty for practicing witchcraft: a community service order or an Asbo - or burned at the stake?

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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