Official: Payday Loans Declared 'Debt Traps'

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The House of Conmans Business, Innovation and Skills Select Committee, headed by Labour MP Adrian ‘Two Plums’ Bailey, has heard testimony from diverse consumer groups which have condemned the greed-ridden immoral practices of the burgeoning payday loan industry who are taking advantage of this ‘no end in sight’ recession and Broken Britain’s flatline economy to ensnare hard-up families into a cycle of usurious debt.

Ron McTwatt, the pro-Marxist founder of the Ripoffs.com website called for Wonga’s cute Granny figure puppets and catchy jingles to be banned from peak time television as such are purposely designed to target child audiences with mesmerising sound bite magic – as used by politicians to captivate the common herd voters when out on the election ballot canvassing trail.
“This is an identical strategy the Common Purpose social engineerin’ outfit copied from Joseph Goebbels in the Nazi era an’ use in their NLP mind control / brainwashin’ techniques – now Wonga an’ their effin’ ilk are usin’ it fer groomin’ our sprogs ter be loan addicts an’ the next generation of chronic borrowers - bollocks deep in debt.”

Bev Titwank, spokeswoman for the Short-Changed debt charity, stated for the public record that “What these scumbag kikester moneylenders are doing with their telly adverts is a disgrace - an iniquitous practice which is morally reprehensible. They’re aiming to convince kids that borrowing money is a social norm, creating an actual ‘belief system’ in cash out of thin air. Live now and pay later – with Mammon, the God of Greed as the ultimate, omnipotent deity.”

“Just look at this other bunch of bottom feeders, Freddy Fagin’s Payday Loans – yet another tentacle of the Rothshite Kosher Nostra’s crime syndicate. It’s all fuelled by greed and loan sharking usury – and with 5,000% APR interest rates quoted as normal, this presents an iniquitous moral crime surpassed only by child molesting - or the US-approved theft of Palestinian lands by the outlaw Israeli government.”
“Further, the Committee will have perhaps taken note that this social blight doesn’t go down too well in the nations of Pan-Islam where usury is condemned in the pages of the Koran and a crime under Sharia Law.”

“Plus this skewed notion of a voluntary regime set up by these dodgy lenders to allow themselves to self-regulate and enforce the way loans are marketed and granted – and defaulters chased up – is a moronic scheme. That’s like having PC Foxy holding the keys to the henhouse and being expected to carry out an impartial investigation into the case of the missing chickens.”

“It all comes down to the simple fact that payday loans are a debt trap – a rigged game with money conjured out of thin air - and this scam we refer to as the crapitalist monetary system, fielded by corporate-dominated governments, has been fixed since its inception – along with the fractional reserve banking scam - to the detriment of the many and benefit of the few.”

“Just take a look at the YouTube video footage this bent Amigo Loans outfit used – showing two Mexican Zetas Cartel characters armed with machetes and chopping the heads off loan defaulters to get ‘the message’ across about the definition of ‘short term’ - which prefixes the actual ‘loan’ wording.”
“Then we have QuickQuid running a commercial in which a gang of ne’er do well gyppo travellers approach the loan applications desk and simply flash their gold teeth to show they have collateral – then get handed a bag full of fivers – which is meant to demonstrate the company can grant and dole out loans faster than shit through a goose.”

Conversely, in their own defence, bosses from Wonga and Mayday First, among other leading firms, also gave evidence to the Committee, insisting the vast majority of their customers are happy to repay a 5,000% rate of interest on the £100 quid they borrowed the previous Friday and don’t really mind a couple of heavies coming round mid-week to remind them that repayment is due by Saturday – or else.
Wonga’s head of late payments policy, Atilla van der Kuntt, told MPs: ‘Our core business is aiming to lend to people who have no choice and don’t whinge at having to pay us back at ridiculous rates of interest - that’s how we make money. The vast majority of people cough up on time - unless they want their legs broken or their kids snatched and sold to some pikey child sex trafficking ring.”

Appearing on behalf of his newly-founded Scab-Cash Inc and in defence of the entire exploitive loan sharking industry, 19-year old financial whiz-kid Mr Shylock Scattstein gave testimony that following a lecture from Rabbi Snipcock after being caught attempting to strip the lead flashings off the synagogue roof to support his drug habit two years previously, he went into rehab’ and signed on at his local Asbo Central College for a course of night school classes, earning a NVQ1 Master of Usury diploma on how to create money out of nothing and use it as a silent weapon to gain control of people’s finances and property – and eventually an iron fist strangulation grip on the short and curlies of entire sections of Broken Britain’s sick society.

The adverse side of the coin was heard from Ms Fellattia McSkanger, an unemployed 16-year old mother of three and resident of Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate.
“These effin’ payday loan ad’s on the telly do me fuckin’ head in when yer got the kids ballin’ down me fuckin’ ear ‘Mum, Mum, why don’t yer take out a Wonga payday loan then we can all move ter Spain an’ get out of this shithouse British weather’. Really, I could strangle the little twats at times.”

“I wanted ter be a catwalk model an’ rake in mobs of moolah but me arse is too big cos of all the junk food crap they serve up fer school lunches, an’ the only qualification I got is an NVQ 1 in Welfare Benefit Fraud.”

“Anyways I only cop a loan off the fuckers once a month - when I’m on the rags an’ can’t go out floggin’ me golly down at Doggers Wood in Wythenshawe Park – an’ if I pull a couple of three-holer tricks in a night then I can afford ter pay back the money, includin’ the skyrocket interest rates, the next day.”

Thought for the day. Irony personified: Kerry ‘Blonde Moment’ Katona, Atomic Kitten singer and a shit-for-brains reality TV star, appeared in CashLady ads until she was dropped like a pet scorpion on crack after being unable to muster up the cash to repay her loans - and was consequently declared bankrupt back in 2008 due running up more debts than some Third World kleptocracy regime.

The only good part viz credit card debt and usurious bank loans and mortgages etc is that when the entire crapitalist money magic shebang goes tits up, the slate’s going to be wiped cleaner than Dandini’s tambourine.
Hmmm, we wonder if these bankster and loan shark types have thought this one through yet?

Regardless, fuck the kikester moneylenders and the Freemason Satanists - and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.