Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Prince Edward Demonstrates the Royal Prerogative

The RSPCA has said it’s looking at claims Prince Edward may have struck a pair of beaters with his official scrote whacking stick on the Queen's Sandringham estate in Norfolk over the Christmas holiday period.
The investigation started after complaints following the publication of pictures of Edward, Earl of Wessex, holding his stick over a pair of terrified, screaming peasants.
Buckingham Palace said the prince waved his stick to break up a fight between the two servants who were squabbling over who got to keep a dead vole.

The RSPCA said it had started a fact-finding exercise, not a full inquiry, but spokeswoman Virginia Thrush stressed the complaint would be treated like any other even though His Highness was a Royal Prince, 16th in line to the Throne, and historically-entitled to beat the shit out of bolshie commoners under the ancient decrees of Magna Carta.

Ms.Thrush further told the press "We’ve received a very small number of complaints from members of the public who are concerned by this rather silly story they’ve read in the press and we're dealing with it as we would any other complaint."
When asked exactly how many complaints her office had received she sheepishly admitted “Around six million so far.”

The Royal’s traditional Sandringham New Year’s Eve “shoot anything that moves” party, planned for tomorrow afternoon, is mainly focused on feral game birds now the stocks of wild boar have been depleted to the point of extinction, and a 1927 Act of Parliament banned the nobility’s customary Yuletide “skewer the peasant” hunts.

This current incident involving Edward is a close replay of a Christmas 2005 event of when beaters disturbed a roosting flock of Arctic cassowarys ahead of the shoot. One flew close to Prince Philip, 184, a veteran sadist who gets off on shooting anything that bleeds. The geriatric Prince blasted the bird with both barrells but only succeeded in blowing its legs off.

Edward, who nobody trusted to play with a loaded gun, was picking up dead eagles, hawks and swans for dinner when he noticed the injured cassowary. Unlike the Queen, who carries a small gamekeeper’s claw hammer for dispatching wounded game and wingeing commoners, the Prince used a handy length of 4 x 2.

“The bird was flapping around the moorland as the useless cloth-eared cunt tried to hit it,” said a Royal onlooker who wished to remain anonymous (Gamilla Porker-Balls).
“He appeared to be trying to do the right thing by ending its misery — but it looked rather messy and clumsy. Most definitely a botched job.”
“It eventually decked him and grabbed his bollocks with its beak. That was when the screams started and his bodyguards moved in and double-tapped the poor creature. It really was an absolute Chinese fire drill. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”

Not that the Royal Family are strangers to scandals concerning their blood sports pastimes.
Prince Phillip was pilloried in the press in 2007 for being a party to a barbaric hunting event where an aardvark was ritually rogered with a cucumber then bludgeoned to death with ceremonial Masonic golf clubs.

Prince Ranga, the Royal Cuckoo, was questioned by police and the RSPCA in October 2007 on suspicion of going on a shooting spree with AK47 assault rifles with ex-school chum Spotty de Villiers and snuffing several breeding pairs of hen harriers, a protected and endangered species.
However, charges against the ginger minga were dropped after the police officer handling the case turned up with his pelvis nailed to the Plodshop door.

Prince Edward acquired his love of bloodshed while attending the Gordonstoun Academy for Sado-Masocism, in northern Scotland, where he was appointed Head Puff in his last term.
Known by the sobriquet Foggy as he was so thick and wet, and a bit of an all-round wanker, Edward went on to study at Cambridge where he earned the nickname Brown Windsor as he adored taking it up the botty.

He miraculously graduated from St. Sodoms College with a third class degree in Arts, only the fourth member of the Royal family to achieve this distinction due their incessant interbreeding and swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool, resulting in them being a bunch of thickies.

After turning down the job of King of Estonia, a position offered in 1994 by the leaders of Estonia’s now defunct loopy Royalist Party, Edward assumed the title Earl of Wessex. (just try finding that on your satnav)

In June 1999 Edward married the Welsh Princess Sophie Rhys-Slapper, who set a Guinness world record for screaming during the labour and delivery of their tenth child, and went on to achieve public fame by using her Royal connections to influence her personal business dealings, becoming known in Fleet Street as “that grasping twat Sophie.”

Monday, 29 December 2008

eBay Auctions Bonanza for Unwanted Xmas Gifts

Online auction website eBay is experiencing a post-Christmas business bonanza with people getting shut of unwanted Xmas gifts and other useless seasonal tat.

However, all that glitters is not gold and many items are drawing no serious tenders. Such is the case of a rejected Jeremy Clarkson petrolhead theme book gift, costing £25, and advertised at a starting price of ‘one penny’, which attracted zero bids.
In fact the useless lanky clot himself attracted but a single bid when put up for auction by Mrs. Clarkson in January this year, and that from a granny who wanted his scalp as a celebrity brillo pad memento.

A quick search on auction site eBay using key words such as 'Christmas’, ‘unwanted’, ‘crap’ and ‘tat’ already brings up thousands of results.
12 year-old schoolgirls trying to sell off the Christmas deliveries of their lecherous Spring-time pregnancies.
Scores of cuddly rabbits, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, aardvarks, kindles of kittens, litters of puppies : all of whom have by now blotted their proverbial copy books and become surplus to requirements.

Digitally-enhanced blow-up colour wall posters of cosmopolitan-theme inebriated group contribution Pavement Pizzas, freshly vomited around the perimeters of the Trafalgar Square fountains : starting bids of £5. Several hundred copies sold so far. Winning bidders should state with or without carrots.

With many eccentric relatives and limpet-like family friends only just departing this weekend after yet again wearing out their seasonal welcomes, many more people will soon be online to rid themselves of their unsolicited crap Christmas gifts. Socks by the million, gaudily-painted plaster of Paris figurines, silly slogans burned into sections of genuine orange box driftwood intended to hang behind the bog door. The list is endless.

A 100/1 scale model of the Forth Bridge complete with re-painting instructions. An actual clockwork giraffe: key missing. A deflowered Barbie the Nun doll, underwear ripped and torn: starting bid £10, now up to £3,280.

And just to confirm that the world is still as barmy as ever, from seller Mistress Messiah of Smegmadale Heights, the dried skin atop a bowl of custard, perfectly resembling the face of Christ as represented on the Shroud of Turin.
eBay reference: Item number: 360113272706 / THE HOLY CUSTARD OF CHRIST. (bowl included).
A startling 184,275 bids since Boxing Day. Auction closes 24:00 hours on New Year’s Eve. Current bid £2,842,655:45p by benny#16 of Rome.

Sunday, 28 December 2008

Most Idiotic Nuisance 999 Calls of 2008 Revealed

A Smegmadale Jewish priest, Rabbi Sheldon Scrunt, dialled 999 when staff at Manchester Airport's W H Smuts bookstore would not allow him to use the toilet, then subsequently shit kittens when the plods turned up and arrested him for making a nuisance emergency services call.
He was later released with a good slap round the head after pleading extenuating circumstances for making his call as he suffered from an enlarged prostate and also chronic IBS due his rhubarb addiction.

This was one of many "frivolous" calls made to Greater Manchester Police during 2008, which dealt with 5,000 emergency reports over Christmas alone. The force has urged the public not to dial 999 for "ridiculous or barmpot" reasons.

One woman dialled triple nine to complain she was unable to get through to Strictly Come Dancing to vote for Tom Chambers in the final so the obliging operator phoned her vote through instead. (Mr. Chambers later collapsed after suffering a massive fart attack while demonstrating the Loughborough Limbo and underwent an emergency on-site colostomy, performed by an attending RSPCA vet')

While a hoax caller reported Santa was breaking into a Wythenshawe house with Rudolf, police also received a 999 call from a man who complained staff at Asbo Ronnie’s Chew & Spew had wrongly put mushrooms and anchovies on his pizza then told him to go and fuck spiders when he complained.
Emergency services responded within the hour by ram-raiding the offending Ronnie’s outlet with a Land Rover and knee-capping all staff before burning the building to the ground. A police spokesman told the media “Fuckin’ anchovies: we hate the bastard things.”

A Bench Hill mother of three, 16 year old Slitzy McTwat, rang triple nine to seek assistance in performing CPR on her children’s pet squirrel that was discovered on the porch in a comatose state.
Attending anti-terrorist squad officers, who happened to be in the neighbourhood on a mingin moggy hunt, appraised the situation and informed the distraught woman the squirrel wasn’t dead but had gone into seasonal hibernation mode.
The officer then proved his point by shooting it with a Taser which resulted in the animal ricocheting round the room several times before disappearing up the chimney.

One Moss Side Afro pole dancing slapper rang 999 on Christmas Eve to file a complaint of GBH after her bikini line Brazilian waxing session had gone totally overboard and torn out both her labial chastity piercings. Once again officers faithfully responded to the call and loaned the distressed female a pair of stainless steel handcuffs as a temporary replacement.

Sweden’s Straw Goat Torched Yet Again

A giant straw goat erected each Christmas in the northern Swedish town of Bonkers has been burned down - yet again.
The 50 foot high animal has been torched 23 times since it was first erected in 1966. It has also been reverse-rammed with a sleigh, blasted by an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber and had its legs and horns cut off with chain saws.

The vandals are rarely caught, though in 2001 a 300 year old Lapland tourist known to Swedish authorities as Santa Claus spent 12 days in jail after being convicted of setting it on fire while in a drunk and disorderly state while attending a Christmas Eve fancy dress party in the adjacent park. He pleaded diminished responsibility after a skinfull of sherry and was duly deported.

In 2007, the goat managed to make it through the festive season unscathed and was stored away in a secret, fireproof, location.
The Xmas Goat committee spokeswoman Anna Muffitch said this year's unlucky creature was set on fire early on Saturday morning with flamethrowers, white phosphorous grenades and napalm.

The three tonne festive Yuletide goat was originally designed by local artist Sven Dorkpuller to attract Christmas winter sports tourists to the seasonally-snowbound town of Bonkers, which is 106 miles north of the Swedish capital.

When quizzed by the press as to why a goat had been selected to represent the Christmas season Ms. Muffitch explained “Sven has poor eyesight now and our original choice of design was a reindeer, but this is how his creation turned out.”

But in its first year it was burned down on New Year's Eve and since then has been attacked regularly. In 2005, it was torched by a group of fancy dress arsonists disguised as the Nativity’s Three Kings, accompanied by the Gingerbread Man, Little Red Riding Hood and the Muppet Show’s Swedish chef.

Authorities in Bonkers have tried to protect the goat using fireproofing chemicals, security guards and a web camera. In 2004 the vandals set fire to the goat the day after construction was completed and stuffed the webcam up the security guard’s rear passage.

Said one local resident “We don’t like goats.”

Saturday, 27 December 2008

Afghan Warlords take the Viagra Falls Leap

America's CIA has found a novel way to expand its business dealings with their fickle stable of aging despotic Afghan warlords – ensuring they receive copious supplies of the sex-enhancing drug Viagra to boost their flagging virility, according to a Christian Science Shitraker report.

The C.S Shitraker said it was one of a number of enticements being used to elicit fresh and detailed human intelligence reports on Taliban activities from the hinterland’s tribal warlords.

CIA Agent Seymour P. Dongrat, a former lawn mower mechanic, told the media “Hey, whatever it takes to get this here war won and keep our operations going.
The warlords look after the oil and gas pipelines, so we keep ‘em supplied with arms and pre-book their full year’s crop of opium for our heroin business.”
“Oh yeah, covert op’s need lots of black cash. Whatever it takes to make friends and influence people.”

"Whether it's building a school, knocking off their competition, trading opium for weapons, supplying them with blonde pussy for their harem, or simply handing out Viagra : it works better than the old Vietnam philosophy that ‘when you’ve got ‘em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Didn’t work with Charlie, and these guys are even dumber and more hard core.”

In one case, a 60-year-old warlord with forty wives was given a goat’s bladder packed with hundreds of the little blue sex stimulants and a few days later supplied US intelligence agents with detailed Taliban activities in return for another bucketful of the magic bullet ‘hard-on’ poppers.

The C.S. Shitraker mentioned the CIA had utilised a long line of creative inducements to suborn the warlords into playing ball with them. Dental work, US visas and air tickets to visit the Great Satan, medical supplies, whatever their minds might conjure. And if they didn’t cooperate? Always a single shot from a .308 M24 sniper’s rifle or a charge of C4 in their khazi, and do better business with the next unwashed warlord wannabe.

Rumours that the CIA have also used Viagra to torture their Muslim captives are rife across the Middle East war zone. Where prisoners are trained to resist interrogations they might be surreptitiously fed massive doses of ground up Viagra in their meals, then, when in a state of extreme sexual arousal and agitation, thrown into a cell with a couple of buxom female pigs.
One prisoner that was subjected this torturous ordeal resisted the temptation to hump the pork but wanked himself to death overnight.

Postmen’s Union Decry Pet Attacks

Police do not take pet animal attacks on postal delivery workers seriously enough, irate union leaders told press hacks during their annual Christmas piss-up at Smegmadale’s Fighting Dog and Pikey pub.

The claim comes after postman Sheldon Scrunt suffered severe injuries when he was savaged by two supposedly-tame man-eating Komodo dragons while delivering a batch of spam junk mail to a fortified end terrace on Smegmadale’s Skidrow Housing Estate.
“Them effin’ lizards bit ‘is bleedin’ leg off at the bollocks,” his transvestite partner Sally Scrunt told the media. “’e’s ‘ad no fuckin’ appetite since an’ ‘is sex drive ‘as gone all tits up as well.”

Communication Workers Union health and safety officer Ms. Candida Gimp said “Some police officers don’t know enough about the law on dangerous pets.
We want to see the police taking vicious pet attacks more seriously.” She opined the 1991 Dangerous Pets Act had "failed" and called for new legislation to allow the authorities to act earlier, with anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for savage or offending pets.

“The current law does not apply to private property which is where attacks on staff are most likely to take place,” Ms. Gimp added. "Too many times postmen, milkmen and newspaper delivery boys are cannon fodder for these animals.”
"There seems to be an acceptable cartoon caricature image of small furry pets tearing into postmen with razor sharp claws and teeth in the mindsets of the British public. Being attacked by a deranged guineas pig or hamster simply isn't funny."

The law and public services personnel are in a quandary over solutions to this problem.
Earlier this year a cat burglar was attacked and savaged by a kindle of feral Sudanese kittens while breaking into a Sodding Chipbury residence in the early hours of the morning. The police prosecuted the owners of the house and the burglar received a six-figure sum in compensation for his injuries and psychological trauma.

Juxtaposed to this farcical legal judgement is the case of Rumanian immigrant Virginia Twatrot, who while working as an Ann Summers saleslady, was attacked by a flock of Greater Crested Budgerigars as she canvassed her product line around a sedate Dorkford cul-de-sac.
Ms. Twatrot fought off the budgies with her riding crop and a Rampant Rabbit vibrator, killing a score of the birds while suffering severe talon and beak wounds herself.
The RSPCA filed a case against her for animal cruelty which resulted in a large fine and her subsequent deportation.

Homework Failure Pupil Battered to Death

An Egyptian court has sentenced a schoolteacher to 300 hours of community service work for beating a pupil to death because he had not done his homework.

Maths teacher Atilla bin Atwatt threw the 15 year-old schoolboy out of the third floor classroom window as an example, to impress on other pupils their responsibility to hand homework assignments in on schedule.

He told the Sharia court he only meant to discipline the pupil with a good scare and did not mean to really hurt him. However, as the pupil just lay on the concrete playground area where he had landed, moaning and groaning, and bleeding profusely, refusing to return to the classroom and stating he could not walk, Mr. bin Atwatt lost his temper, gave him several kicks in the guts and a few smacks round the head with his regulation claw hammer.

The teacher's lawyer was quoted as saying in court: "Hitting a difficult pupil is not banned in schools and my client did not break the law, only the pupil’s skull."

Observers say the case has been seen as a shocking reminder of the failings of Egypt's state education system which has not been updated since the time of the First Dynasty Pharaohs, when torture and beheadings in schools were commonplace and an accepted norm.

The incident, at the Ronnie Nasser Institute of Sadism on the outskirts of Alexandria, has caused a national outrage.
Education Minister Achmed al Stupidius told reporters “We cannot find good trained schoolteachers as they all piss off abroad to work where the wages are better. Hence we get the chaff from the local prisons, copping an early parole plea if they take a teaching job, then struggling to control classes comprised of several hundred children.”

“This was the problem with Mr. bin Atwatt, a recently released mass murderer who had taken an NVQ 1 teaching course while in the clink. The frustrations of academic life simply get too much for them to handle.”

“We are trying hard to tackle violence in schools and have now issued new statements and regulations on the limits of corporal punishment, and have banned teachers from carrying guns, swords and cudgels.”

Iranian Anti-Christ Delivers Alternative Xmas Message

Allowing Iran's president to deliver Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message has been judged by some government know-all’s as ‘the biggest media bollock dropped in 2008’.
President Mahmoud Ah’madasmedad, in a repeat of his popular Tehran stand-up comedy act, will be shown telling British viewers "the general will of Islamic nations is to destroy the evil Zionist Israel and return Palestine to it’s rightful owners : the Gaza gangsters.”

Channel 4’s decision has angered some MPs, who branded him a "dangerous fanatic" with anti-Semitic, anti-gay and anti-fast food views.
Tory MP for East Oiks, Mork Prattchard told reporters “Channel Four has given a political platform to a man who wants to annihilate Israel and continues to persecute Christians at Christmas time, just like the Romans did, feeding them to the lions and not saying sorry after.”

Channel 4 justified its actions, saying they were offering viewers an "alternative world opinion" from that which is normally force fed to a gullible, brain-dead public by the Zionist dominated Western media on a daily basis.
A Channel 4 spokesperson told reporters “It’s all about free speech. Even world leaders who are absolutely bonkers have a right to express their opinions,even if they do want to nuke Israel.”

The speech, in Farsi with Serbo-Croat and Swahili subtitles, is its 16th alternative Christmas message and will be shown after a brief introduction to Mr. Ah’madasmedad putting his views in context while lying on a psychiatrist’s couch, Channel 4 stated.
In the speech President Ah’madasmedad will congratulate the people of Britain on the anniversary of the birth of Jesus of Nantwich, whom for some oddball reason he erroneously believes was born in Cheshire.

Labour MP Louise Bigconk, chairwoman of the Smegmadale Jewish Movement, said: "I condemn Channel 4's decision to give an unchallenged platform to a loony who denies the holocaust while preparing for another, and claims homosexuality does not exist while his regime hangs gay boys from cranes in the street. Who will deliver next year's alternative Christmas message? Will it be Atilla the Hun or Colonel Madman Ghadaffi?"

Israel’s Ambassador to the Court of King James’s, Rabbi Isaac Crunt, told the media: "This man is a deranged Islamic despot who is working towards the annihilation of Israel. He should learn to embrace and love his neighbours as we do with those gormless Palestinian twats who squat on our doorstep.”

Channel 4's first alternative Christmas message was delivered by gay icon Quentin Crisp in 1993. Mr. Crisp was, by a strange coincidence, hung from a Tehran crane jib while on a shirt-lifters ‘Persian Pleasures’ holiday tour of Iran only last year.

Others who have previously given the alternative Christmas speech broadcast include such talentless egocentric clots as French actress Fidgitte Bardot, former X Factor slapper Sharon Osbourne and TV chef Gordon ‘Tourettes’ Ramsarse.

Friday, 26 December 2008

Shattering the Myth of Barack O’Barmy’s Origins

Born where, and to whom? What are his familial antecedents?

His mother: reportedly an Irish-American white Atheist woggle weaver from Kansas (precisely the same place as another Wizard of Oz character: Dorothy, and her canine pal Toto).

His father: reputedly a black Muslim Kenyan banana straightener, whom his mother divorced two years before he was born.

His step-father: supposedly a Wahabi Muslim Indonesian transvestite, employed as a Jakarta-based snake oil vendor, married Mrs. Obama when Barack was four years old.

One paternal Iraqi Arab uncle, Saddam, that became a brutal military dictator, infamous for his Weapons of Mass Distraction.

A maternal black Irish cousin, Spudsy, who terrorised Ulster in the early ’70’s by throwing exploding taters at British troops.

Three paternal aunts, one of whom, Lizzy, was present when Barack was born in Hawaii, the second, Dizzy, whom was present when Barack was born again, in Kenya. The third aunt, Tizzy, was present when Barack was born yet again, this time in Dublin.

The man himself: Barack Hussein O’Barmy: his place of birth and actual nationality vary with the changes of the wind and the teller of the tale.
Hawaii, and thus his claim to US citizenship. Indonesia, Kurdistan, Tristan da Cunha, Nibiru: the 12th Planet, Israel, Scunthorpe, Eire, Diego Garcia, Tierra del Fuego and even that he was cloned from Rhesus monkey and hamster genes by alien Greys at their Mount Shasta underground base.

Yet another rumour, the most popular and likely to date, is that he was calved in Kenya. However, if he was born there, in 1961, it was then under the jurisdiction of a foreign power, Britain, and he is thus ineligible to be president of the U.S. Not only that, he is an illegal alien on American soil. Green card revoked.

Rumour holds he was educated as a radical Muslim in Indonesia but found it politically expedient to join the Christian United Church of Pancake Tuesday Adventists to counter the fact he’s a camouflaged Islamic radical bent on concluding America’s demise as a world superpower and heralding in a martial law state policed by foreign security services.

Speculation that he’s one of Mossad’s Zionist-Judaic mind slaves goes unmentioned in polite, Gentile, company. However, the fact he constantly referred to Hillary Rodent Clinton as “that goyim dyke slut” during the election primaries does nothing to dispel this rumour.

So, the controversy rages on: unresolved. Or does it?

Earlier this month saw the passing of FBI senior G-man turned super-grass, Mark Felt, aka the Deep Throat of Watergate renown and Tricky Dicky Nixon’s eventual Nemesis.

While confined to a California hospital early in November, dying of congestive conscience failure, a member of Felt’s family informed him Barack Hussein Obama had won the US Presidential election. His reply was: “Barack who?” followed by a recognitive “Ah, the coloured guy. The Illinois illusion.”

This led to Felt eventually revealing the whereabouts of tapes and documents that have since become known to investigative journalists and political conspiracy theorist nuts alike as the O’Barmy X-Files.
Felt’s header to the files states : “When a nobody become Somebody, a junior Senator for Illinois runs for President, and is voted into office, then check their credentials very carefully, and those of their backers with even greater scrutiny.”

The first two names to appear through the clearing haze of Felt’s crystal ball were Zbigniew Brzezinski and George Soros. The master conjurer-illusionist and the global financier. The public puppets of the shadowy global Puppet Masters.

While Shrubby works his notice as the incumbent president, still possessed with the personality of a Galveston trailer park and being as much fun as chemotherapy, his ersatz replacement, O’Barmy, doesn’t even exist in terms of physical reality to even inherit these faults.
He’s an illusion. A hologram. An imaginary figment of the US voting population’s pre-conditioned mindsets, with the sham birth certificate controversy diverting attention from the fact he simply is not real.

He’s an apparition, a smoke and mirrors phenomena that a novice Starbucks employee might create by screwing up a latte during their first day on the job. Not too dark, nor too light, just an odd sickly shade of brown resembling baby shit.

The first coloured president ! Just what the darker-skinned segments of US society always wanted since the ratification of the 13th Amendment. A leader that shall eventually prove far from sweet to the core, with a lingering bitter aftertaste which will scour the throat raw.

Thus Max Felt stated “It’s not the birth certificate that’s a fake : it’s the man himself : he doesn’t exist. It’s a wilderness of mirrors, all Scotch mist.
There’s no real Rev. Wright controversy, no Donald Young corpse to trip over, no Larry Sinclair cocaine or blowjob scandals. They’re all distraction ploys on a grand scale. Believe the scandals hence believe in the man. He’s a figment of the US population’s collective imaginations. He does not exist.”

"The psychopaths that really run the world are playing sick games and laughing in our faces at the collective stupidity. After the tear-jerking trauma and resentment caused by 9/11 they’re giving the US voting public a coloured Muslim President who isn’t even an American citizen and is even dumber that the Shrub. Now that is rubbing our noses in it.”

“All these fantasy scandals involving classical villains and pantomime characters, add a sense of reality to their daydream presidential figure. He’s a black and white hologram. Obama doesn’t exist, he’s more at scent than substance.”
“There is no birth certificate: Hawaiian or Kenyan. No correction fluid tampering. The global military-industrial complex run the US elections and the Obama myth is their current cartoon projection of choice for President.”

“It’s a fact that Junior Bush never called a single shot in eight years. This two-legged concoction of political fiction is only here for two reasons. To declare martial law and kick off World War Three.”

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Queen’s Xmas Speech Broadcast from Slum Tenement

The Queen and other members of the Royal Parasites are spending their Christmas holidays at a slum tenement squat in Liverpool’s dilapidated Kensington district as a change from their normal festive season retreat to their plush Sandringham estate in Norfolk.
This is being done as a gesture of magnanimous goodwill and to display their ability to rough it along with the rest of the recession-hit British public.

The family arrived for an early morning sausage and bacon barm’ breakfast at a Kensington Salvation Army soup kitchen and Christmas car boot where they participated in prayers and a shared roll-up with other less fortunate members of society.

Princes William and Harry, clad in their best charity shop hoodies and Doc Martins, joined local yobs for an informal football match at Newsham Park on Christmas Eve, enjoying a few spliffs and meths breezers before moving on to vandalise the neighbourhood.

The Queen traditionally delivers her address from Buckingham Palace's music room, where she stands in front of a grand piano that displays family photographs, with a large Christmas tree in the background.
This year she posed, legs astride, clad in wellies, a hi-viz donkey jacket and beanie, outside an Onslow Road slum terrace with the windows boarded up, leaning on a burned out Vauxhall Astra, smoking a roll-up.

Her Majesty’s Christmas Day speech voiced concern over the economic downturn and deepening recession, and the financial turmoil it may bring to the Royal coffers if the British public don’t get their fingers out and work harder.
The Queen, in an unusual candid aside, went on to say: "People are touched by events which have their roots far across the world, such as the price of bananas in the Philippines or if Somali pirates also celebrate Christmas."
"Whether it’s the fucked-up state of the global economy or violence in a distant land, the effects can be keenly felt here at home as this shit-house Labour government have been the cause of it all."

During the broadcast the Queen mentioned the recent 60th birthday of her eldest son, Charles, the Prince of Wales, and speculated she would have to remain enthroned as head of state and forego retirement as “Charles is such a cloth-eared clot, good for talking to the house plants and not much else.”

Prince Philip, interviewed by reporters while scrounging through dustbins on Prescott Road for worthwhile cigarette ends, expressed a personal opinion that this wasn’t exactly the Kensington he knew, and found Europe’s Capital of Culture 2008 to be a “mingin’ shithole.”

SNP Want Spaceport

The Scottish National Party, not universally renowned for its grasp on reality, and in thus keeping with tradition,have decided during their recent Parliamentary Christmas piss-up, that they want to have their own spaceport

The party's Westminster leader, Angus McTwatty, slightly inebriated after several bottles of festive spirit, announced to the press he wants Richard ‘Beardie’ Branson’s Virgin Galactic to use RAF Goosebump in his Moray of Eel constituency as a centre for space tourism.
The airbase, once a prime target for a Soviet first wave nuclear attack, has already been identified by Virgin as a possible location for a commercial space enterprise if the site’s numerous potholes and mole hills are sorted, and the gangs of homeless “See you Jimmy” methaholic squatters removed from the airfield’s bunkers.

"The prospect of space flight from Scotland is a serious and exciting one," a florid-faced Mr. McTwatty told reporters while taking a leak behind the Conservative back benches.
The Speaker of the House of Commons, Gorbals Mick McClot, MP for Glasgow North South, and a fellow Scot, is backing Mr. McTwatty’s proposal that the Highlands develop the UK’s first spaceport.

The SNP revealed to the national press the full details of their plan to make the Highlands a global hub for space travel, launching kilt-clad Jockonauts and astro-tourists into orbit in their new nuclear haggis-powered Caledonian-McBrain Tartan Lines space shuttles.

Virgin Galactic's starship, Calamity 1, a converted Stagecoach double-decker bus fitted with wings, which will also be used by Space Scotland to launch tourists into orbit, took to the skies over Moray on Sunday, with the test flight being observed with amused interest by NASA in Houston.

The prototype starship blasted off from Moray’s Cape McClunt astroport just after lunch, on an orbital trajectory, and attained an altitude of almost three hundred feet before the main haggis-fuelled booster rockets overheated and exploded in a sub-nuclear fireball, causing the craft to splash down in the North Sea, triggering a tsunami that swamped the Shetlands, resulting in several pounds-worth of damage.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Catholic Priests to Face ‘Sex Drive’ Tests

The Roman Catholic Church has issued guidance for future priests and nuns to have psychological tests to weed out those unable to control their sexual urges.
The document, approved by Pope Benedict XVI and made public on Thursday, is rumoured to state these will include sitting naked while attached to a polygraph and viewing a medley of provocative erotica and screened salacious photos of semi-clad nuns and choirboys.

Vatican spokesman for Carnal Affairs, Cardinal Viagra Mozarella, told reporters “We have to put a stop to our priests humping members of their church choirs, it’s costing us a fortune in law suits. The die-hard homo’s are tolerable, they only bugger each other; or the wanking addicts who sit in the confessional jacking themselves off. It’s the paedo’s we’ve got to get shut of : and the zoophiles too, bonking sheep and other pretty voluptuous farm animals.”

Another senior Vatican priest who spoke to the Christian Weekly Shitraker on conditions of anonymity, (Fr. Venereal Priapus), said a series of recent sex scandals had contributed to the rewriting of the Churches deviant employee guidelines.
He said screening would hopefully help avoid further ‘tragic situations’ caused by what they termed psychological defects, such as novice priests who had deep-seated homosexual tendencies, or were complete wankers.

Among other traits that might make a candidate unsuitable for the priesthood, the Vatican’s new advice lists "uncertain sexual identity : not knowing if one is Adam or Steve, or wishes to be Madam or Eve."
The term "excessive rigidity of character" was elucidated as to mean priests with a constant erection; and "strong affective dependencies", translated to Mother Superior / Dominatrix worship by both male and female seminarians.

The document also makes reference to heterosexual urges, which while still frowned upon, are far preferred by Vatican elders than a Church renown to consist of strapon dildo-clad lesbian nuns playing 'hump the penguin' behind closed convent doors, and arse-bandit paedo’ priests buggering each other and their soprano choirboys.
It further states seminarians should be barred if the Vatican’s new sexual arousal testing makes it ‘evident the candidate has difficulty living in celibacy’ : that is, if a novice priest or nun declare they’d sooner be scourged and crucified than go without a good shag every couple of weeks.

The proverbial scandal scales were tipped last August when a Catholic church academy in Austria, the St. Sodom’s Seminary for Latter-Day Pederasts, was shut down after revelations that students openly indulged in homosexual conduct and several required sphincter replacements to prevent their bowels dropping out.

Gay rights groups have accused the Church of using homosexuals as scapegoats to disguise and conceal a long and established history of abuse scandals, dating back to the crucifixion of Christ, and the Inquisition, through to aiding Nazi war criminals by furnishing them with Vatican passports, to the recent cover-up of a Curia Cardinal being caught fragrante delicto in a Jacuzzi hot tub at one of Rome’s infamous massage spa's, with a pig, two sheep and a fifteen-year-old Albanian pole dancer.

Monday, 22 December 2008

Romania Sets Silly Season Record

Almost 50,000 people in the Romanian capital of Bucharest have set a new record for the most clots dressed as Santa Claus.
A total of 49,826 red and white clad clunts with flowing snowy beards gathered in front of the city's parliament building, presenting festive gifts to the homeless and unemployed politicians waiting in a jobseekers allowance queue.

Observed and scored by Ms. Tally McStout of the Guinness World Records organisation, they paraded through the cobbled streets handing out seasonally-wrapped gifts, economically recycled from the city's main landfill site.
Lucky recipients received parcels containing such traditional Romanian Christmas treats as a mouse in a bottle, artistically-contorted wire coat hangers, and selection boxes of honey-filled cockroaches coated in crunchy smoked squirrel shit.

Romania hopes to break other records during the Christmas - New Year week's holiday, including a night-time laser lights display of 10,000 flash frozen convicts impersonating snowmen, willing to risk hypothermia while vying for an early release parole prize.

"It's Christmas spirit, we're all better and more generous this time of year," the Bucharest Weekly Shitraker quoted Mayor Soddin Osprey as saying. "I've even paid my Albanian au pair girl half of the two years back salary I owe her."

Mayor Osprey told Romania's Radio Active the city was also planning on attempting to set a Guinness record with the world's largest sausage but due a breakdown at the King Wenceslas Dobberdork condom factory, producing the sausage skins, this project had been postponed.

However he was optimistic that the world's longest Christmas cake, which is currently being mixed and baked in the freshly-drained Danube-Bucharest canal, will attain its intended 73 kilometre successful conclusion with a full coating of marzipan and icing.

Awarding Mayor Osprey the coveted Santa record trophy, Tally McStout of the Guinness World Records told the press "They've really made a fabulous effort. Some of the women Santas have been growing their beards since July."

The event easily broke a previous record of 39,618 simultaneously gift-giving Santas set in Taiwan, in 2003, who paraded through Taipei greeting tourists and spectators alike with the traditional Chinese Xmas rice cake and a happy face kick in the shins.

A similar event in Lagos, Nigeria, last year, turned into a disaster when the Santa parade of 27,000 unemployed 419 scam artists went on a looting rampage, picking pockets, mugging tourists and gutting several major department stores of all stock, including the light fittings and doors.

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Rhubarbie Declares “Zimbabwe is Mine!”

Deranged African dictator Robert Rhubarbie celebrated his 138th birthday anniversary this week at Harare's prestigious McDinga's chew and spew burger outlet, declaring to press reporters that "Zimbabwe is mine, Lord Carrington and David Owen done gave it to me," and rejected calls from ANC leaders to step down as he has proven himself to be less than useless as a political leader, and a bit of an all-round wanker in most other departments of human endeavour.

The politically-confused Marxist-Fascist- Moaist Pancake Tuesday Adventist despot told delegates of his ruling Zanu-Bonkers PF party at the ostentatious birthday bash "I will never, never, never, never surrender,” adding profound emphasis to the last ‘never’ bit.

Mr Rhubarbie added he had sent a letter to the country's main opposition leader in Botswana, Morgan Unpronounceablename, inviting him to be sworn in as prime minister.
“However, it is not my fault if de letter is not delivered because de second class postage stamp has done gone and fallen off.”

However Mr Unpronounceablename told reporters he would pull out of power-sharing talks unless abductions of his supporters stopped as he was fed up of having to visit the mortuary every morning to identify them.
He said more than 4000 members of his Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) were missing and accused Rhubarbie’s Zanu-Bonkers PF party of orchestrating a campaign of terror.

Rhubarbie’s Gestapo chief, Rastus Mongrel (a hardened custard addict) challenged the veracity of this statement on Radio Harare’s Psychopath Hour “Dey am not missing at all. He done sure know where dey all is: buried in de shallow graves at de Harare landfill.”

Zimbabwe, which currently tops the UN’s Third World basket case list, is gripped by economic collapse and a cholera epidemic. The UN on Thursday reported that the death toll from the disease had risen to 1,123 and that 20,896 infected people had been issued on the spot fines for shitting in the street by the regime’s community genocide officers.

UK Assistant Secretary for Neo-Colonial Basket Case Affairs, Jendayi P. Dorkpuller, meanwhile told the press “Mr. Rhubarbie is as much use as tits on a bull and needs to step down. Half the country’s population are crapping themselves to death due the current epidemic and there’s no food on the supermarket shelves to feed them. In fact there’s no supermarket shelves either, as they’ve all been eaten weeks ago. So, cholera aside, you have a nasty case of : If you don’t eat you don’t shit, and if you don’t shit you die.”

Thursday, 18 December 2008

UK Media Watchdog Comoffit Barks at BBC

The BBC has been fined £95,000 by media watchdog Comoffit for broadcasting scores of quizzes which listeners didn’t even have a cat in Hell’s chance of winning.

The competitions ran on eight editions of Dermot O'Shyster’s Radio 2 show in 2006 and five Bony Heartburn programmes on BBC London 94.9 in 2005 and 2006, earning the BBC over £20 million.
All were pre-recorded the week before however, so there was no way listeners could take part in them, with even less chances of winning Jack Shit.

The Tom Robinson Show on BBC 6 Music was also judged to have breached the regulator's code after making up the name of a £10,000 prize competition winner in September 2006 : a certain Mrs. T. Robinson (no relation).

These were "serious" breaches of consumer trust and on-air apologies were needed, Comoffit ruled. The BBC "accepted" the findings, saying secrecy protocols and operational procedures had since been tightened to Spartan standards and they wouldn’t get caught with their pants down again.

Radio 2 was fined £70,000 for eight breaches between June and December 2006 and told to broadcast the watchdog's findings on-air "at a time, and in a form, to be decided by BBC Director General Mork Thompson: specifically at 02:00 am on Radio 7’s Greatest Graveyard Hits.

The Comoffit report stated O'Shyster's Saturday afternoon quiz show was pre-recorded on these occasions "due to the presenter's other work commitments", specifically checking on his offshore numbered bank account deposits.

When the competitions were run, winners were randomly selected from a list of listeners who had paid their television licence on time, the report added.
The watchdog added it was "very concerned by the repeated, pre-meditated and deliberate decisions to include competitions in pre-recorded programmes that were broadcast 'as live'", especially on programmes with such blatantly suspicious names as “Ripoffs”, “Two Short Planks Question Time”, and the “Thickies Quiz.”

Comoffit also said it was "wholly unacceptable" that the BBC had known about these breaches and hence “knowingly misled the public” but had decided they were not serious enough to be declared in a previous "trawl" of even worse mistakes which they had no intention of owning up to.

As well as Comoffit's investigation, the BBC Trust – (which no-one now does) – was effectively created to act as an in-house watchdog for the BBC and launched its own inquiry into the quizzes, only to discover it had won four of them.

Comoffit chief Sir Darcy Splifta told reporters "These competitions were run unfairly and therefore did not match the expectations of the likely audience.”
He added that the cases were "serious" and "did involve audience deception" because listeners were "misled.”
Further, the BBC Board of Governors suggestion that the entire scandal should be swept under the rug and everyone keep shtum, as the British public were too thick to realise they had been done over, was rejected as being a ‘show of bad faith’.

In response to the two reports, the BBC then issued a statement saying that "These historical breaches were tackled by a comprehensive action plan that included a major training project for over 19,000 staff, all of whom have now been made redundant in recent cutbacks.”

Also last week Comoffit released its judgements on a number of other matters, including the furore over the naming of a cat on Blue Peter.
The show's production team rigged a children’s online poll in 2006, in which the winning entry - Twathooks - was disregarded in favour of the name Fuckwit.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

MP Censured for 999 Boiler Call

A London MP has been called a ‘dizzy twat’ for dialling 999 after hearing strange noises from her GCH boiler.
Hornsey and Wood Green Lib’ Dem’ MP Dimples Featherbrain called emergency fire crews as something mechanical went violently squirly inside her boiler causing it to spark, shake, rock n’ roll and make typical broken boiler noises.

But Bwian Gobbshite, Conservative chairman of London's fire authority and a close neighbour, said she wasted fire service time and should have called a plumber.

Miss Featherbrain said she feared the boiler was going to explode and cause massive devastation across the city.
The boiler in the basement of her home in Highgate, north London, recently purchased from a Belgravia car boot sale and installed by Polack Pete’s Plumbing Services, developed a fault at around 22:00 GMT in the incident last Saturday night.
"The floor was shaking, the Christmas tree fell over, the cat shit itself and the noise was so loud it could be heard in Hyde Park," Miss Featherbrain told BBC Radio London 94.9. “I was terrified too and pissed me knickers.”

She fled the house with her two Albanian male escort companions and called emergency services on her cellphone from a safe distance away.
"You don't run out into the street at that time of night in the freezing cold dressed only in leather bondage harmess, a peephole bra’, and a pony-tailed buttplug stuck out of your bum for frivolous reasons."

Firefighters arrived on the scene promptly and fixed the noisy boiler with several blows from a sledge hammer. Fire Officer Bert Lugnuts informed attending reporters “The noisy bloody thing were fucked anyways-an’ it’s definitely fucked now. It’s what is technically known as bolloxed.”

However, Fire Authority chairtwat Bwian Gobbshite criticised her actions, saying there could have been a serious incident elsewhere, such as a cat stuck up a tree, and it was a waste of time and money.

He described her actions as typical Lib’ Dem’ hysterics, and the after-effects of the White Lightning and meth’s Breezers she was seen quaffing in the local Pissed as a Newt pub earlier that evening.

"This was not a triple nine emergency. If your boiler is making a noise you switch it off. I think MPs, especially Liberal Democrats, should be setting a better example by taking night school courses in hands-on plumbing repairs and get a CORGI certificate."

Miss Featherbrain, who had a restraining order issued against Gobbshite last year for stalking offences, responded by saying she would do the same again if her replacement boiler went into self-destruct mode, and Mr. Gobbshite could kiss her big white botty: Not!

Gangs and Guns Rule Scouseland’s Streets

Chief Inspector Rigby Ratstamper, commander of Liverpool North’s Plod Squad, told the media “Guns are the weapon of choice for the teenage gangs of Europe’s Capital of Culture 2008.”
“Of course if the little scrotes can’t afford a gun then any old weapon will do: claw hammers, bread knives or a balk of 4 x 2, with a six inch nail driven through one end.”

“But our upper-end teenage villains, with mobs of drug money to spend, are now better equipped that the British army troops deployed in active conflict zones like Iraq and Afghanistan.”
”Kevlar vests, night vision gear, sniper’s rifles, anti-personnel mines and the odd tactical nuclear device, I might add. These young yobs have the lot and like to play rough. We just stand back and let them get on with it. Kill each other off, sort of thing.”

CCTV footage of boys, hardly out of childhood, wielding revolvers, shotguns and shoulder-held ballistic missiles while jumping on police cars, was posted on YouTube last weekend after a minor tiff broke out along the Croxteth--Norris Green demarcation truce border over two chav gang members, Sheldon and Seymour Scrunt, having a quick grope at Titsy O’Gammer, the Croxteth Crew’s chief bitchlet, and calling her ‘a cunt in cunt’s clothing’.

This developed during the Saturday night into a mile long battlefront, with howitzers and tanks being deployed by the Croxteth Crew. The Norris Green Knobhead gang responded in like fashion, sending in their Apache helicopter gunships and laying waste to Craven Wood and scores of chew and spew fast food outlets bordering Smegmadale Lane, in repeated napalm strikes.

The Croxteth Crew retaliated by targeting the Norris Green Rentaslum Housing Estate, decimating two square miles in a radioactive fireball when a 155mm tactical nuclear artillery shell was lobbed in by mistake during howitzer barrage.
Early reports estimate over thirty thousand dead and £25 worth of damage to property.

Scouseland gang members are traditionally recruited from an early age. One nine-year-old ranga chavette who can’t be named for legal reasons, (Feral Beryl McSlag) was recently arrested for carrying a locked and loaded Ingram MAC 10 machine pistol and a M56 fragmentation grenade in her Hello Kitty school satchel. “I just wanted ter scare the shit outa me teacher if she gives me any crap over not doin’ me homework,” was the juvenile reply. Bless.

C.I. Ratstamper, commander of Liverpool North’s Plod Squad said: "Many gang members are the third generation of families who have never worked and were born into a sleazy scrounging lifestyle, whose entire incomes are derived from DSS, jobseekers allowance and criminal activities.”

Dr. Candida Twatscratcher, professor of Sociology at the University of Liverpool, explained to the media "Crime is all they know and so have no recognition of normality to be rehabilitated back into.”
"Around their teen years they get mental diarrhoea and lose the moral aspirations that can change their lives for the better by legal means, hence resort to a life of crime, for which you can’t really blame them considering the wages of sin are tax-free."
"Hence their instinct, behaviour and moral compass is far off what we describe as normal. I believe the best we can do is to replace the huge European Capital of Culture 2008 signs on every road leading into Liverpool with the slogan - Beware: Here there be Psychopaths!”

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

SATS Test Fiasco Inquiry Board Scratches Head

A Ministry of Education inquiry, headed by Lord Dorkbungler, into the chaos affecting the Sats tests taken by school pupils in England this summer can’t make its mind up about what went wrong.
Exam’ watchdog chief, Dr. Ken Crunt, labelled by the press as the person responsible for the mess, has resigned ahead of Lord Dorkbungler’s findings.

Dr Crunt, who headed the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority, quit at the weekend over what he called the "delivery failure" over the tests, when scores of cartons of unmarked exam papers were discovered being sold as graphic designer wallpaper at a Smegmadale car boot sale by a syndicate of Albanian pikeys.

There is rumoured speculation that the Tirana-based Sats-n-Twats examination grading company who won the bid to score UK school exam papers were responsible for dumping 60% of the unscored SATS returns on a landfill site.

Before the publication of the report into last year's problems, the Sats-n-Twats exam company has been announced as the "preferred bidder" to take over the running of the 2008 tests by Deputy Education Secretary and Smegmadale MP, Kostas Tatswiller, a former Albanian eyeball twister.

Speaking ahead of the inquiry results, the head of the ATL teachers' union, Dr. Chlamydia Twatrot said there needed "to be a complete overhaul of testing methods in English schools where we have the thickest children in Europe striving to achieve a D+ in anything that does not involve video games.”

Smegmadale’s Asbo Central Headmistress Candida Muffitch told reporters "Lessons must be learned from this year's debacle about the commissioning and delivery of education products and services by foreign-owned private companies such as Sats-n-Twats, whose Albanian grading officers don’t even speak English."

The Labour government’s Children's Secretary Ed Ballsup has announced the problem will not recur as there will be no further compulsory Sats tests due the deepening recession forcing the school leaving age to be dropped to twelve years old.

Media speculation that a sister company of Sats-n-Twats, specifically the Tirana-based Jobs-4-Knobs employment bureau, will be the preferred bidder for founding a job creation scheme and employment venue for the 12-year-old school leavers, was refuted as an unfounded rumour and ‘chaff from the gutter press mill’ by Sir Jeremy Ffinch-Pillock, the government’s newly-appointed Minister of Denials.

Monday, 15 December 2008

Dutch Heavy Ankles Disease Strikes Brits

Ever experience a couple of cold winter, or pollen-strewn summer, days of coughing and wheezing, taking yourself off to the doctor and telling him you feel like shit?

In Holland you’d probably be diagnosed with a severe respiratory infection and chronic asthma and have prescriptions for fourteen different types of medication, an emergency referral to a specialist in pulmonary disease or find yourself quarantined and under sanitized scrutiny by the Centre for Disease Control.

However, back in the UK you’d wait a week to get an appointment with your local NHS GP for a second opinion, and after five minutes in his consulting room, would emerge empty-handed but with a new diagnosis. You have a cold.

Nobody’s suggesting the Dutch are a nation of hypochondriacs (apart from me) but they do take their health as seriously as Brits take football.

But while stuffed-up orifices (nasal congestion and constipation) may be a common symptom on both sides of the North Sea, there is one disease that only our Netherlands neighbours appear susceptible to, and which they whinge about most : the ‘heavy ankles’ syndrome. I put it down to a psychosomatic disorder: until I came down with it myself.

Fascinated, and pained, by a malady to which British people previously appeared immune, I went to an Amsterdam pharmacy and asked the smiling young chemist if she could advise me on remedies for ‘heavy ankles’.

"Oh, tough shit,” she replied, “I only get it when I go hiking in the summer months,” and indicated an entire aisle of pills and potions, then handed me a jar of stinking green ointment made from an extract of Brussels sprouts, tincture of tulips and clarified pike semen that I was suppose to rub into my legs, from ankles to groin, on a twice-daily basis. Did it work? No.

Odd thing was that while I was back in the UK the heavy ankles symptoms continued, and continued, and continued.
Bugger the doctor I thought, go see a chiropractor, and did. I related my problem had only recently occurred while in Holland and had continued since my return to Mother England. She ‘ummed’ and ‘ahhed’, took a single look at my feet and recommended I dump the hobnail clogs.

One week back in the Doc Martins, no more heavy ankles syndrome. My secret remedy. Fuck the Dutch, and their Uncles.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

How to Revoke Israel’s UN Membership

The Gaza Strip is now the largest holiday camp on the Mediterranean coast. Although the 1.5 million Palestinians living there have perfect security, cut off from their belligerent, war-mongering Israeli neighbours right next door, by walls and fences, minefields, snipers and gunship patrols (both airborne and naval) their begrudged portion of the Holy Land, previously known as Palestine, has become more at Prison than Paradise.

Deliveries of food, medicine and fuel are made difficult or halted altogether. General malnutrition is increasing throughout the population. Water supplies and drainage have ceased to function. Children die for lack of healthcare. Tunnels to Egypt, dug by hand, are the only breathing space for Palestinians born with mole genes in their DNA.

Journalists and diplomats are denied entry lest they see the human suffering, a Holocaust in the making, and proclaim the Truth to an ignorant and apathetic world.
Yet Israel the oppressor is planning further military efforts to subjugate their blood-brother Semite neighbours even further into a state of degradation.
The Palestinians in Gaza are now a perfectly mirrored reflection of the Jews in the Nazi-blockaded Warsaw Ghetto of 1942.

Does anyone ever learn from the mistakes of History? The bullied are the bullies now become.

The current political situation can be flopped squarely on the shoulders of Israel’s fanatical Zionist leaders. If they hadn’t given Mossad the go-ahead to snuff Palestinian moderate leader Yessir Marrowfat with a sneaky dose of thesame radioactive Polonium 210 poisonous crap they used to shut up Russian dissident Alexander Litvinenko, then there might be a chance of a peaceful solution.
Instead, the Zionist loonies are stuck with trying to negotiate with the brickwall attitude of a militant Hamas and their Gaza gangsters who have so far proven to be as stubborn as Israel’s own hawk leaders.

The UN might apply the term ‘apartheid’ in connection with Israel’s dealings with the Palestinians and consider sanctions with the former South Africa serving as a model. This was conveyed to the UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon at a meeting on November 24th 2008.
It was recently suggested a popular movement demanding that the UN revoke Israel’s membership. The international community, through the UN and/or its own national assemblies, has the power to put tangible pressure on Israel in order to stop its war crimes.

Not once, during the past 60 years, has Israel shown any intention of living up to the requirements stipulated by the UN, in connection with the country’s membership in 1948, namely that the Palestinians who had been evicted from their homes should be allowed to return at the earliest possible opportunity.

The eviction of eighty per cent of the Palestinian population who lived west of the 1947 armistice line, and Israel’s refusal to allow them to return, is the main human rights argument for expelling Israel from the UN. Not only has Israel interpreted and played the Partition Plan like a poker hand, to suit its own selfish ends, but has, by its actions, thwarted the grounds – fragile from the start – for its UN membership, compliments of a Zionist-controlled US government.

It can be questioned from the aspect of human rights legislation whether Israel is a legitimate state, as her independence was earned by taking the blood of others in outright terrorist attacks against the British Mandate, and too against the established Palestinian / Arab community.

Even the ill-conceived Balfour Declaration, which entirely lacks human rights status, notes that a Jewish national home in Palestine should in no way encroach upon the rights of the Palestinians. Neither did US President Truman recognise Israel as a Jewish state. On the contrary, he ruled out precisely that formulation before making his decision to recognise Israel.

The UN could now embark on a boycott of the apartheid state of Israel and, with the threat of expulsion from the UN, demand that Israel allows the evicted Palestinian refugees to return in accordance with the requirements of UN resolutions 194 and 3236.
These requirements are also named in the UN resolution (181) Partition Plan for Palestine, approved by the General Assembly in November 1947, and not by the UN Security Council. The plan was accepted by the Zionists Jews in Palestine but rejected for excellent reasons as unjust by the Arab states.

Yet how can any such accord ever be established when Israel still unilaterally lays claim to a considerably larger portion of land than that originally designated by the UN : specifically their Protocols of Zion-stated Nile to Euphrates objective, and a Zionist Israeli-led world government, their coveted New World Order / Big Brother scenario, based in Jerusalem and backed by a covert nuclear arsenal.

However as Israel holds the flattering Guinness world record for ignoring UN resolutions, and the Jews and Zionists rule the world’s financial institutions and media, and the US government : both Senate and Congress, manipulating the strings that have controlled each of their consecutive White House puppets since they snuffed Kennedy.

Hence it is obvious they shall never concede to anything that does not first meet their selfish and mean-spirited objectives.

In the words of Chief Rabbi Isaac Scrunt : “The world shall one day bow before the strength of Zion.” Perhaps, and there again, perhaps not.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Faux Pas over Inappropriate Chinese Text

There were red faces on the editorial board of one of Germany's top scientific institutions, the Leipzig-based Max Planck Institute, after it ran the text of a handbill for a Macau strip club and knocking shop on the front page of its latest scientific journal.

Editors were under the impression they had printed an elegant Confucian poem to grace the cover of their special issue of the Max Planck Forschung journal, focusing on China’s burgeoning Falun Gong organ transplant industry.
However, instead of poetry they had accidentally selected a text effectively proclaiming "Hot Housewife Whores in Action!" on the front of the third-quarter edition.

In what effectively amounts to a faux pas of Biblical proportions, the institute’s magazine editorial team have been committing ritual seppuku by disembowelling themselves with staplers and defenestrating out of the upper floor windows rather than face the public embarrassment any longer.

The previously-respected research institute wanted Chinese classical texts of artistic elegance to adorn its journal. Instead, it discovered to its horror, it had chosen a racy flyer extolling the lusty details of lecherous housewives at a Macau strip-joint / brothel, promising naked burlesque acts by pretty-as-jade three-holer whores with hot bodies, to entertain foreign visitors.

Prior to publication, the institute magazine’s editorial office had consulted a German sinologist at the local Pisshead Beer Keller for a translation of the relevant text. The sinologist concluded, in a brief moment of apparent soberity, that the text in question depicted classical Chinese characters in a non-controversial context and decided it was actually a Confucian poem.

The institute’s director, Herr Dr. Helmut Krudd, offered profuse apologies to the Leipzig-based Chinese consulate for what might be viewed as a cultural insult.
However the faux-pas seems to have sparked more in amusement among Chinese readers, several of whom broke into raucous laughter and commented “Stupid iriot Germans don’t know shit from shinola.”

The journal has since been updated online and its cover now carries the title of a book on the Middle Kingdom by the Swiss Jesuit, Isaac Scrunt (1576–1630). The Jesuit text in question is "Illustrated Explanations of Strange Chinese Sexual Bondage Devices".

Stop press latest: Max Planck Institute to be renamed Max Wank Institute for Linguistic Fuck-Ups.

Barclay Sisters to Quit Sark

Risking the perils of breaking their customary Trappist code of silence and avoiding publicity like the plague, the senile multi-zillionaire Barclay twins, Doris and Noris, are rumoured to be closing down all business investments on the tiny Channel Island of Sark.
This appears to be the latest display of their renown spoiled brat exhibitions of huff and pique over not getting their own way, which has previously earned them the moniker of the ‘Terrible Tantrum Twins’.

Sark recently held its first election since the dawn of time, due the Barclay’s self-serving political and legal manoeuvrings, to shrug off its peculiar feudal rule status.
The tantrum twins had positioned and backed several candidates to ensure their Pro-Reform party took power and seized control of the island’s government, so they could overturn the no-cars law and declare their neighbouring island of Brecqhou finally independent of Sark’s laws and legislative oversight.
However, the island’s ‘establishment’ obviously saw through their self-interest scheme and the public vote firmly rejected their candidates.

If the Barclay sisters do withdraw business investment and support from Sark then the possibility of massive unemployment must be seriously considered as 25% of the island’s sixteen residents, including two stray dogs, work for Barclay interests.

The Barclays, the eldest of thirty children, whose parents died of exhaustion when the twins were twelve, were Siamese twins, born conjoined at the wallet and separated by a Harley Street saddler at three months of age, with the wallet being successfully divided between them.

After studying Oriental Legerdemain at the prestigious Uri Geller Institute for Advanced Spoon-Bending they laid the foundation stones to their massive fortune with the invention of the left-handed corkscrew and a patent for camouflage wallpaper before going on to own several newspapers including the disgraced Hollinger tycoon Conrad Black’s national daily, The Smegmadale Shitraker.

The reclusive tax-exile twins celebrated their 125th birthdays last week at their palatial mock-Gothic Brecqhou Island care home (Alzheimer Towers ) where they revel in scandalous opulence, indulging in such hedonistic delights as indoor nuclear tests, vibrating commodes, hot and cold running Filipina chambermaids in every room, and solar powered stair lifts.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Police Support Worker to Sue for Shooting

A civilian support worker who was shot during a police firearms ‘Double-Tap the Terrorist’ training session is to sue the force over the incident.

The unnamed civilian employee (Mikas Konstipatus) was injured last May at the Smegmadale-on-Sea Extreme Rendition Centre’s firing range while holding up a one meter target with a print of Mohammed Alleycat on it.

Police spokesman Pierre Du Dork told the BBC: "I can confirm that we are facing legal action. It was most unfortunate that Mr. Konstipatus, who is Albanian, looks very like your average archetype Brazilian terrorist. Our officers got carried away and shot him several times in the head. Luckily they were only firing clips of 9mm Irish paintball ammunition so he survived the incident with only partial brain damage."

“We had been running basic anthropology / racial types recognition seminars for our firearms officers to avoid them multi-tapping any more South American electricians by mistake. However when it came to hands-on-n-go the entire team ignored the Arabesque dummy targets and all trained their guns on PC Ahmed, our complimentary Paki’ plod. Luckily they were only armed with blanks at the time so the worse outcome was Ahmed shitting his pants and excused duty to change his uniform.”

The training session was part of an induction course for new anti-terrorist squad officers to provide them with basic firearms awareness and terrorist recognition skills : the barrel end points towards the target / shoot anyone with a beard, backpack or suntan.

The Independent Police Coverup Commission (IPCC) spokesplod PC Candida Muffitch told reporters the six officers involved in the incident will have to appear before a misconduct hearing, although they will not face criminal charges by the DPP as all have pleaded ‘diminished responsibility’.

No More Effin’ & Jeffin’

A ‘swearing in public’ ban has been introduced by Smegmadale Borough Council in the run-up to Christmas, which councillors say will be maintained into the New Year to try and eliminate the town’s reputation as Asbo Central.

The effin’ and jeffin’ regulation has been imposed by the council in an effort to reduce anti-social behaviour by the town’s resident drunks and yobs over the Christmas period.
Flyers have been put up in the city centre’s Rub & Tug massage parlours, opium dens and chew and spew takeaways. Stickers will be used on beer mats in pubs and clubs also.

Smegmadale Mayor Bernard Clot, millionaire entrepreneur owner of Clots-R-Us and community support agency RentaClot, told the media “We might not hold the prestigious European Capital of Culture status of neighbouring Liverpool but we can definitely do our bit to clean the town up over the Christmas holidays.”

The town centre has now been liberally plastered with posters declaring such slogans as ‘No Aggro-or Else!’, ‘Keep yer Drunken Gob Shut!’, ‘Pissing in Doorways Prohibited!’ and a ‘No Spewing Here!’ with technicolour renderings of a drunken chavette vomiting in the street with the header caption ‘Pavement Pizzas Banned’.

Offenders caught effing and blinding, taking drugs, doggying in doorways, shitting in public waste bins, pissing through shop letterboxes or sticking knives into community support officers could be handed an on-the-spot fine of £80.

Norman Springbok, spokesprat for the freedom and civil liberties campaign group Expletives-R-Us, told reporters “They can’t do this. It’s every Englishman’s right to go out and get pissed-rotten drunk at Christmas, then stand in the middle of the street takin’ a slash and gobbin’ off at passers-by. It’s all part of our traditional Yuletide festivities.”

Last week huge 'Respect Smegmadale' banners were displayed on the sides of buses, as part of the council’s campaign, which resulted in a troop of Banksie wannabe’s giving them a grafitti once-over with the slogan ‘Fuck Smegmadale’

In 2005 the local housing authority tried to impose a ban on swearing at the Skidrow council estate which resulted in the crucifixion of four RentaClot community support officers and the housing authority’s office being torched.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Miracle Crap-Mangler turns Zoo Poo to Compost

A Smegmashire zoo has invested in manufacturing a recycling breakthrough £150,000 methane-fired Hotrot shit-flinging machine to turn the mountain of manure produced by its animals on a daily basis into an exotic blend of veggie patch friendly compost.

Twatcross Menagerie Park Zoo in Smegmashire has about 1,000 mammals, birds and reptiles, most of which have huge tusks and teeth, and even bigger arses, contributing to the five acre midden on a daily basis.
Most are possessed by large appetites, which, after regular dietary input, produce up 800 tonnes of waste (poo-poo) each week, depending on individual bowel temperament.

The zoo’s chief crap spokeshoveller Wally Carbuncle told reporters “We got the idea from our own canteen and reverse-engineered the principle.”
“Our cook, Hilda, takes decent food, puts it in the oven and it comes out tasting like shit. With our in-house design all we’ve done is reverse the process: we put shit into the Hotrot shit-flinger and it comes out as summat decent. High-grade compost in fact. It’s that good yer can roll it up an’ smoke it. Want a drag?”

The Hotrot in-vessel composting system supposedly converts waste into compost in just more than two days, including everything from half-digested holly bushes to car tyres, plastic bags to cardboard coffee cups and the occasional zoo visitor that got too close to the lion enclosure.

Zoo conservation officer Claire Python said: "We bought the food, fed it to the animals and it came out at the other end. Now we collect the shit up, compost it, grow stuff for the animals, like sprouts, turnips and cactus, which then goes back into their mouths. It's an economically-sustainable method of keeping our waste on site and profiting from it. No more smelly landfill charges either."

Ms. Python advised the press that in estimating actual shit-on-the-ground ratio finances and logistics earlier this year the staff had discovered that their herd of camel-toed Lithuanian alpacas could drop up to fourteen pallets of house bricks per week each if given uninhibited access to a sufficient supply of sand and cement. “This was a boon for the local building merchants and our self-financing scheme.”

Staff said elephants were usually the biggest contributors to the process apart from last week when Chippo the Mongolian Hippo came down with a dose of the Bombay trots after eating two troughs of Beef Vindaloo and red cabbage, stalling the entire reprocessing cycle with a single evening’s excretary output.

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Yet Another Clarkson Faux Pas Cleared by Ofcom

A typical bad taste joke made by career clot / overpaid Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson concerning lorry drivers murdering prostitutes wasn’t really very funny Ofcom has ruled.
The media regulator received 3,398,000 complaints and the BBC more than 17,800,003 over the comments made by Clarkson last month during a Sunday evening Songs of Praise sermon.

Ofcom ruled Clarkson "Is a total pillock and used exaggeration to make one of his trademark lame jokes. We realise Mr. Clarkson is about as funny as chemotherapy, but that’s the best product the BBC can scrape out of the bottom of their proverbial barrel nowadays.”

The presenter's comments came after forklift truck driver Lefty Wright was given a community service order sentence last February for killing five prostitutes in Ipswich.

At the close of his Songs of Praise sermon, Clarkson drew comparison with everyday jobs and that of a lorry driver. To quote: “Other people’s jobs always seem better until you come to do them. Take lorry drivers: change gear, pick up prostitute, change gear, have a grope, change gear, check mirror, murder a prostitute, change gear, dump body, change gear, pick up another slut, handbrake on, more murder. That's a lot of effort in a day."

Ofcom added it considered the majority of the Songs of Praise audience would have understood Clarkson's comments as being made for comic effect, and were in keeping with what would normally be expected from someone of his gutter press background and established reputation for opening his mouth before engaging brain and uttering stupid remarks.
The report further stated that while Clarkson’s comments were in poor taste they were not meant to imply all lorry drivers were prostitute murderers, only a small percentage.

Last month Labour MP for Ipswich Reginald Mole called for Clarkson to be sacked, labelling his tasteless comments "a dismissible offence".
Five women working as prostitutes were murdered in Mr Mole's constituency in 2006, which is a fair indicator of the type of law and order situation that exists in Ipswich under Mole’s leadership and administration.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Centenarians Top UK Workforce

Phyllis Scrunge, a Smegmadale great-grandmother, celebrated her 100th birthday today by receiving a telegram from the Queen then going out and doing an eight hour coal heaving shift.
Mrs. Scrunge, who has buried five husbands (two while still breathing) told the BBC “It’s the exercise that keeps me fit, luggin’ hundredweight bags of nutty slack down coalholes. Then I go for a few pints of bitter down the pub, just to keep me bowels regular like. I used to sup the Guinness but it plays merry bleedin’ hell with me piles these days.”

Wilf Crunt, the only surviving licensed polecat straightener left in Shropshire, who passed the 108 mark last July, still puts in three days a week and spends every spare hour of his leisure time on the golf course, usually knocking out two sets of eighteen holes every Saturday.
“It’s th’ arthritis got to me ‘ands a coupla years back, but I can still get a fair grip on a ferret or polecat to get th’ kinks outa it. Me grasp of a golf club ain’t too bad either.”
Quizzed by reporters as to the secret of his longevity and good health he opined “I puts it down to givin’ up smokin’ when I were 85 an’ ‘avin’ a quick wank in th’ bath every night. Keeps me prostate active.”

Charlie Scrotum, a former Skidmark-on-Sea mole stamper until well into his 90’s, will reach 110 years of age on New Year’s Day. “Always a good excuse to get doubly-pissed,” he joked with press reporters. “I ‘ad ter give up the mole stampin’ cos I were gettin’ tunnel vision, but I got a job down at the local garden centre as a wheelbarrow mechanic. That keeps me busy seven days a week. I need the overtime, yer see, ter fund me bad habits – goin’ out clubbin’ every weekend an’ payin’ fer sexy escorts. I still like the young pussy, yer see.”

Charlie had a parting word of advice for the press and today’s youth : “If all you buggers want ter stay fit an’ healthy like, then eat a bucket of stewed rhubarb a day. It keeps my old tadger up, I can tell yer.”

China Blasts EU-Dalai Lama Meeting

China has lodged a ‘velly strong protest’ against France over Saturday's ultra-secret meeting in Poland between the French president Nicknack Teakozy and the Dalai Lama.
Beijing’s Deputy Foreign Minister, FeFi Fo Fum, summoned the French ambassador to China to protest Tibet’s petition to join the EU, the Wanking news agency reported.

However, Rampant Rabbit, spokesmonk for the Dalai Lama, informed reporters Tibet has always been, spiritually, a part of Europe, dating back to the time of Marco Polo, the European explorer who introduced a novel type of gourmet Venetian mint (with a very small hole in the middle) to the Tibetan people.

The exiled Tibetan spiritual leader was reportedly in Poland to attend the annual Christmas piss-up for Nobel Peace Prize winners when he met Mr. Teakozy, the current EU president, quite by accident in the discount booze section of the Wdzyxcty Polska Supermarket.
Mr. Teakozy had got stuck in Warsaw due the airport being snow-bound following his meeting with the heads of the EU eastern member states, there to discuss the bloc's climate change plans to combat global warming and work out why it was so cold.

Nonetheless, Chinese intelligence sources claim the meeting between Teakozy and the Dalai Lama had been secretly scheduled weeks before to discuss Tibet’s entry into the EU.
In protest at the French president’s involvement, and displaying a typical fit of Chinese huff and pique, Beijing descended into its usual spoiled brat-tantrum mode and cancelled an EU-China summit which France was to host early this week.

"President Teakozy’s deceitful actions have undermined the political foundations of Sino-French and Sino-European ties," Deputy Minister Fum told the press. “We shall never speak to them again and their name is now crossed off our Christmas card list.”

The French president, who did not meet the Buddhist leader when he visited France for a facelift and a Brazilian wax job in August, appealed for calm about Saturday's meeting.
"The Chinese are more full of shit than a Peking duck,” Teakozy told the press. "Their reaction to my having a couple of pints of Guinness with the old Lama bloke is yet another typical example of Beijing’s idiotic hubris. They are tilting at windmills again.”

“The world needs an open China that participates in global governance and doesn’t behave like a petulant child, taking offence at trifles," said Mr Teakozy. "China needs a powerful Europe that gives work to Chinese enterprise and access to our markets to sell all the useless crap they manufacture."

“If Tibet wants to join the EU, then why not. But the Chinese are deceiving themselves if they believe Brussels has the power to enforce discipline among the 27 countries of the European Union. We can’t all be as ruthless and totalitarian as China and just run dissidents over with tanks in Tiananmen Square. Well, not yet anyway.”

The 173-year-old Dalai Lama this week told European lawmakers he was seeking Tibet’s entry into the EU so then Brussels would be its governing body and hopefully NATO troops might kick the Chinese out of Lhasa so he could go home.
“Why does everyone fear the Beijing’s government’s paranoid rants? They are so frightened of their own shadows, why is anyone frightened of them?
See what they do to dissidents, sell their organs for transplants. See what they do to my friends who practice Falun Gong. It is time the West realised China is a toothless old cat, all bluster and more scent than substance.”

However, his meeting with Mr Teakozy has prompted grass-roots anger among Chinese bureaucrats, some of whom have called for a boycott of French letters.
At a Beijing branch of the giant French supermarket chain Merde, a girl gang of violent chavettes hired from RentaMob pelted the storefront with bricks and yak shit, yelling at the BBC news team “Yankee go home! We will not shop here or buy French crap again.”

Merde, the biggest purchaser of Chinese goods in France, employs several million workers in China at their third-rate tat sweatshops.

The Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gnatsoup, (Benny to his close friends) is on a tour of European countries that has included meetings with the Belgian and Czech prime ministers, as well as fellow Nobel Peace Prize-laureate Leech Walesa, the former Polish president, to stir up as much shit as possible for Tibet’s Beijing-based antagonist.

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Hillary Rodent Clinton’s Debt Dyke Crisis

Hilarious Rodent Clinton is scrambling to reduce her massive campaign debt before she becomes the US Secretary of Sleaze, when federal ethics laws – and political sensitivities – will severely hamper her ability to do so. (Granting her nomination is ratified and the burgeoning debt dyke doesn’t burst first)

Washington analysts have speculated, with tongue in cheek, why Clinton is bothering to observe such political niceties now when she has a history of riding rough-shod over any semblance of legal integrity in the past.

The former first lady is receiving financial help from the E-Bay auction sales of her husband’s infamous Presidential ML-10 tie collection and siphoning off very discreet amounts of accumulated interest from the mega-bucks Mena drug sales loot stashed away in their Liberian and Swiss numbered bank accounts.

The Clintons plan a special Whitewater Christmas fundraiser this month, which will give wealthy donors a final chance to buy some corruption-free face time with the future Secretary of Sleaze hopeful.
The Rodent, and her Artful Dodger husband Bill, will headline a major debt retirement event in New York, at the Paula Jones Memorial Arena, on December 15th. Tickets range from $50,000 to $1,000,000 with top donors earning premium first rights to enjoy a grope, and have backstage nude photos taken, with the former first slapper.

Ms. Sapphie Dildodo, spokesdyke for the New York senator, informed the media Ms. Clinton wishes to avoid being caught or implicated doing anything that suggests she is leveraging her new post for money-grabbing advantage. However, she admitted the appearance of a conflict of interest is always possible when low-life lobbyists give money to politicians with an established seedy background.

"If nothing else, there's the embarrassment element," said Brad Dorkgummer, a former dog wanker for the Federal Election Commission. "A Secretary of Sleaze nominee trying to raise campaign debt payoff money is kind of ugly. But Hillary fits the bill to a tee in those departments anyway.”

At the beginning of November, Clinton owed $75 million to vendors from her failed presidential bid, according to campaign finance records. The largest share of the debt – about $53 million – is owed to Crystal Ball, the disastrous polling firm of ostracised Presidential drug and blowjob buddy, Larry Sinclair.

Barack O’Barmy's personal Kenyan-Indonesian protection team are rumoured to have sent an email yesterday, signed by vice-president-elect Joe Bidet and religious guru Rev. Lefty Wright, requesting Crystal Ball cancel Clinton's inflated campaign debt – or else discuss the matter in person with the late Donald Young.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Eerie Silence at Zimbabwe Diamond Mine

An eerie yet pregnant silence permeates the scrub region locating the remote Chiadzwa diamond fields, apart from occasional bouts of gunfire, an odd anti-personnel mine explosion and the ensuing screams.

Mr. Muti Fruiti was one of the first ‘get rich quick’ cretins to descend on Chiadzwa when word spread that diamonds had been discovered in the arid and impoverished part of Zimbabwe’s Maniacland Province.

Muti Fruiti, 31, an unemployed nit-picker and father-of-nine, was wallowing in the aura of perfect peace and freedom that only absolute poverty can provide.
He was a mere six years in arrears with the sub-prime mortgage he had taken out on a two bedroom cardboard box where he lodged with his family in the old township of Shitcreek on the outskirts of Harare.

When word reached him about the discovery of diamonds, Mr. Muti joined thousands of other desperate paupers and unemployed beggars in the rush to Chiadzwa, then an unknown and desolate place up the arsehole of beyond. A few months later his life had been transformed.
Suddenly he was living on Hovel Street in the middle-class suburb of Slumville, the proud owner of a Corgi pedal car and a number of buy-to-rent sheds on Skid Row that had previously been beyond his wildest dreams.

Once Mr. Muti dug up the shiny pebbles from the dried-out river creeks he could immediately sell them to buyers who had entrenched themselves around the diamond fields.
Dealers flocked from countries all over the world, including Iceland, Tierra del Fuego, the Cameroons, the Macaroons and the Festoons, Antarctica, St. Helena, the Norfolk Broads, Belgium-on-Sea, Guinea Bissan, New Guinea, Old Guinea, Gold Guinea and Guinea Pig.

The dealers were prepared to part with as much as four tins of corned beef and a carton of Polo mints per carat - a handsome price considering diggers could sell stones up to 15 carats in weight each day.
Mr Muti's only problem was the police and their dogs that would constantly chase him and his fellow miners from the fields.
But Muti and his illegal cohorts soon found a way round that obstacle - they formed syndicates with the police officers and dogs manning the fields.
Suddenly, poor plods earning less than $5 a year were wearing shoes and underpants and riding new bicycles, with their dogs chewing on prime cut Aberdeen Angus beef shin bones.

The Zimbabwe authorities launched several operations to rid Chiadzwa of illegal miners but the avaricious hunt for precious gems, combined with the collusion of bent coppers, allowed the mining operations to continue unabated.
Then two weeks ago Mr Muti was surprised to see sinister dark helicopters hovering over the diamond fields. The heavily-armed Black and White Mercenary Show had arrived in town.

That heralded the beginning of a brutal campaign to remove illegal miners and the illicit diamond-dealers once and for all. It was dubbed the Hakudzokwi Kumunda, a Matabele phrase meaning “Get your bollocks blown off if you come back here.”

An excess of 20,000 illegal diggers, who had come from all over Zimbabwe to make the diamond fields their permanent homes, shit a mix of kittens and bricks, then fled in all directions like a business of lemmings on amphetamines.
Within a week of the operation starting there wasn’t a single live miner left in the diamonds fields.

The ‘Crisis in Zimbabwe Coalition’ is now calling for the alleged violations to be documented so the perpetrators can be brought to justice once normality returns to the country: sometime in the next hundred years.

Zimbabwe’s ‘Lawyers for Human Rights and Wrongs’ accused the private army of the De Queers Grabbitall Diamond Consortium gemstone monopoly for the helicopter gunship attacks that have claimed the lives of hundreds of illegal miners in the area, creating heaps of insta-meals for the region’s unemployed vultures.

The actual mineral exploration and mining concession rights for the Chiadzwa diamond fields were originally registered to celebrity turd-burglar Cecil Rhodes’ ‘British We-Own-Everything Company’ in 1890.

Mr. Scabby Oppenschemer, a former Tel Aviv toucan impersonator, and current chairman of the De Queers Grabbitall Diamond Consortium, informed reporters “These goyim with the Brillo haircuts and sun-tans digging up our diamonds are all scrotes and thieves. This is our country, bought and paid for. God bless Lord Carrington.”

Zimbabwe’s Prime Minister Robert Rhubarbi has recently made several public statements concerning mining, informing the press, as he pointed his nailed-gnawed fingers at a wall-mounted map, “This is mine, and that’s mine and that bit over there is mine too.”

Mr. Rupert Rhubarbi, (no relation), Zimbabwe’s Minister of Nepotism, told the media “Our Prime Minister and De Queers have a private agreement concerning the Chiadzwa diamond fields and anyone criticising it or asking nosy questions might get their legs broken.”

The now-famous Chiadzwa-mined Smegmadale Diamond, a flawless white, slightly larger than an Irish brickie’s teapot, and weighing in at over four thousand carats, will be the centre-piece of Prime Minister Rhubarbie’s crown when he is invested as King of Zimbabwe in the New Year.

The name of our Chiadzwa-based undercover reporter (Swalazi O’Dinga of Fleapit Lane, Harare) has been changed for his own protection.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Somalia's Pirates Buy Tanks, Jets and Nukes

A Ukrainian ship supposedly seized by pirates off the coast of Somalia was carrying battle tanks, fighter jets and tactical nuclear weapons, the Ukrainian defence ministry has confirmed.

Earlier, the country's foreign ministry said the ship and its crew of 21, sailing under a Belize flag from Odessa to the Kenyan port of Mombassa, had been hijacked by pirates but promptly changed their story and came clean when it was revealed by Western intelligence sources the actual destination for the cargo was Eyl Port in the wholly-autonomous Somali region of Poundland.
The ship’s manifest clearly showed the military cargo was destined for Eyl Port, and consigned to the Somali Maritime Authority’s ‘Department of Piracy’.

Ukraine Defence Minister Yury Sellitoff confirmed that 33 Russian T-72 battle tanks, 12 Mig-35 fighter jets and enough ammunition and nuclear ordnance to start and win World War Four were aboard.
Speaking to Jane’s Combat Weekly News, Minister Sellitoff revealed that several representatives of Somalia’s Ministry of Piracy had recently attended one of the Ukraine’s regular military ordnance fire sale auctions and paid cash up front for their purchases with suitcases of US dollars, Euros and pieces of eight.
He said all the weapons had been sold in full compliance with established international armament agreements, and displayed a Somali government end-users certificate, printed out on the back of a corn flakes packet.

“Now we have the weapons to carry out regular piracy patrols to counter the West’s anti-piracy patrols off the Somali coast,” Admiral Bonkers O’Dinga of the Somali Maritime Authority told the media at a press conference in Mogadishu’s premier one star Slumscum Towers Hotel.
“Just wait until the bully-boy Americans come bombing us again to try and halt our only national industry. Now the sandal will be on the other foot when we bomb them back at their bases in Djibouti. Now we are a regional nuclear power like America’s running-dog Zionist Israeli puppets.”

News that celebrity slapperette Miley Cyrus had also been kidnapped by Somali pirates elicited howls of raucous laughter from the gutter press when the ransom note was returned with the message “Keep the little cunt.”

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Mars Rover Discovers Railway Sleeper

A leaked photograph from NASA’s ROV Mars Rover camera shows what appears to be a lump of shaped timber lying in a dried river course running parallel to the planet’s controversial Cydonia Mensae region, famous for it’s giant Sphinx-like face, Inca City and abandoned sawmills.

Rupert Sequoia, resident Alien Arbouralist with the Forestry Commission, and winner of last year’s Eurovision Clog Juggling Contest, told the media “This is definitely a section of shaped or machined wood that had drifted down the river and been left high and dry. We know wood grows on trees, so obviously Mars once had forests.”

Ms. Hazel Beech, chief analyst for Aerial Interpretations, opined to reporters “By referencing the Mars Rover’s arm for size comparison we can determine the distance to the timber artefact and its overall size.”
“At 2:6 metres it matches the dimensions of the railway sleepers or ties we use here on Earth to mount railroad lines, so hence we consider it a relic of the vanished Trans-Martian Railroad which once served the Cydonia region.”

However Astro-Archaeologist Professor Miles Offcourse ventured that the timber relic is tapered towards one end, proving it is a vertical plank from the enclosure that once bordered the Inca City. “Just wait ‘til they find the rest of the fence, then we’ll see who’s laughing,” he fired at giggling reporters.

With both conspiracy theorists and religious fundamentalist maniacs climbing on the speculation bandwagon, the entire issue went from positively daft to outrageously idiotic in one fell swoop.

Southern Baptist Brimstone and Fire preacher Victor McSodom claims the relic is part of the true cross, whereupon Lord Jesus was crucified, and was left on Mars as proof of his Divinity when he ascended to Heaven.

The Rev. Jeremiah Clunt, a pastor of the Church of Latter Day Morons, advised reporters the Angel Moroni told Joseph Smith that Noah’s Ark was transported to Mars by the hand of God during the Great Deluge and once its remains were discovered (like now) they would portend the End of Days and the Second Coming.

Wilberforce Bonkers, publisher of Conspiracy Weekly and the Paranoia Review, employing his usual mix of yeast and fish logic, claims to have seen top secret documents smuggled out of the Grey alien base under Dulce Mountain in New Mexico, written in an archaic Reptilian hieroglyph script.
These purportedly tell of the original Saint Nicholas being taken aloft by the prophet Enoch and landed on Mars. “So, it’s obvious what the relic is,” Bonkers related to Sky One’s Idiot Channel, “It’s part of Santa’s sleigh, one of the runners. Either that or a whoppin’ Cadbury’s flake for a massive 99’er.”
Going into totally silly mode, Bonkers further ventured “It might even be the Captain’s ‘LOG’ from Star Trek, the one that got jettisoned into deep space.
Could be part of a Martian tree house or a lump off the last Irish Mars space probe,” was his final wild, blabbering speculation before he spontaneously combusted.

Bridgit von Forkbender, spokeslut for NASA (Never A Straight Answer) gave reporters an arrogant one finger salute and announced “We already know what it is: a giant Mars Bar.”

Thought for the day, in memory of our late editor: If a tree falls on Mars, does the Pope hear it?

Lapland Park Scam a Huge Rip-off

A newly-opened ‘Winter Wonderland’ theme park has been described as a ‘joke’ and a ‘scam’ by thousands of angry visitors.
Many people have demanded a refund of the £25 they paid to enter the Smegmadale Forest Lapland Leisure Park on the Hampshire-Dorset border over the weekend. Several visitors contacted the BBC saying the standard is extremely poor and bears no resemblance to the glossy Arctic Forest marketing photos rumoured to have been plagiarised from National Geographic’s ‘Banff Winter Vacation’ feature.

Mrs. Chantelle McScat, a fifteen year-old mother of three, had a far stronger opinion for the media. “It’s a total bag of shit an’ a fuckin’ rip-off. Me an’ the kids only came ‘ere cos we got free passes from the DSS. Not a flake of bleedin’ snow anywhere, it just pissed down wiv rain. Santa’s Grotto woz in a poxy shed and the dirty old git dressed up as Santa woz pissed as a rat on cider an’ tryin’ ter get me ter sit on ‘is knee so ‘e could ‘ave a grope. Effin’ pedo’ perv’.”

Lapland Park manager, Louis Scamrat, told reporters: "I don't believe we’re guilty of deceit or ripping anyone off. This is what Lapland and Santa’s Grotto look like right now with this global warming thing: all mud and slush. That’s why the Great Glacier Ice Rink went tits up and the penguins came down with heat exhaustion.”

The park's website, which became unavailable on Monday afternoon, had shown pictures of snowy scenes and icicles, and promised real log cabins, a nativity scene, husky dogs, penguins, polar bears, reindeer and a rare breed of Arctic camel, as well as a ‘bustling’ Christmas market and a genuine Eskimo choir singing traditional carols.
The website proclaimed: "We can assure you of an absolutely magical scene: just look how real and cold the 'snow' appears to be."

But visitors said what they experienced was ‘disorganised chaos on a Biblical scale’.
Glenda Twatrot, a homeopathic cat stroker, of Blandford, Dorset, told the BBC she had worked part time in a local brothel for a fortnight to buy tickets for her family as a Christmas treat.
The place was "a complete misrepresentation, leaving my children totally pissed-off and psychologically traumatised. The Eskimo choir turned out to be a troop of Chinese illegal immigrants singing ‘Good King Wenceslas’ in Mandarin. I intend to sue the arse off the management," she complained.
"The park’s website advertisement led you to believe that this is a snow-covered Lapland village with Hollywood special effects and a bustling Christmas market with an ice rink. The snow was just gooey mud painted with white emulsion and the log cabins a collection of old garden sheds.”

Many others complained that, once inside the park, they had to pay more to use attractions such as Santa’s Merry Mud Skiing Slope, the Twat-a-Dwarf Coconut Shy and the park’s appalling shit-splattered toilets. The centre’s purported ‘bustling’ Xmas market turned out to be a miserable car boot sale run not by Santa's Little Helpers but Chechnyan pikeys dealing in smuggled rolling tobacco, pirate DVD’s and teenage Albanian sex slaves clad in tinsel bikinis.

The Winter Wonderland’s zoo came in for a caning also. RSPCA Inspector Gilbert Ferret informed the press “Santa’s reindeer are all heifers with plastic antlers nailed to their heads. The huskies are ex-Securicor Alsatian dogs that had been bleached and blow-waved. Several of the penguins died of boredom during my visit and who’s ever heard of an Arctic camel?”

Barry Fleecem, manager of Codology Advertising, the park’s marketing agent, told reporters he was "bemused" by the visitors’ complaints.
“I mean, what do the public use for brains? Who in their right mind is actually going to go to Lapland for a pleasant day out. It’s freezing cold. Any bugger with common sense takes off for a few days in the Med’ at this time of year and doesn’t go traipsing around Smegmadale Forest.”