Thursday, 31 December 2009

Crotch Bomber Prompts Invasion of Yemen

So, the preliminary verdict seems to be in on the dastardly Nigerian-born al Qaeda ‘Crotch Bomb’ terrorist - Mr Fukwit Muttonleg – already tried and found Guilty with a large capital ‘G’ by the tabloid gutter press and our iconic Fux News channel – of whatever crimes the Homeland Security thugs and muppets have been instructed to pin on him – up to and including the fact he and his ilk collectively hate our Western Democratic freedoms.

Insh’Allah – and a Happy New Year – and cancel that tourist trip to the sunny Arabic Republic of Yemen.

Thus, Mr. Fukwit Muttonleg has been labelled and stigmatised as a radical Jolly Jihadi member of the good old Big Al Qaeda Gang, no less – who have apparently got pissed off with the over-rated hospitality factor in Hamid Kami-Karzai’s Afghanistan and now shifted their base of operations to North Yemen.

Yep, that’s right –the Yemen Arab Republic – which must constitute as the biggest basket case shithole to run a terrorist network out of on Earth.
Good God – excuse me - Allah - don’t Big Al Qaeda or Taliban Dan the Koran Man ever check the Michelin Guides or Lonely Planet handbooks before they establish a terrorist base?

North Yemen? The place is totally fucked before they even start. Property prices are the shits – same as the property itself. Mud huts and bad guts

Water quality sucks – if you ever get a water supply. Try having your morning paper – or a bottle of milk - delivered. Greedy Grocer online orders? – forget it.
Further, the postal service is a joke and it takes months to get a cable TV connection or a Sky sat’ dish installed.

Check out the Forbes Rich List – any Yemeni’s on it? Get burgled? – dial 999 and call the police – then see how long they take to arrive. Same with all the emergency services there – and while the council tax is relatively low, only the feral goats empty your wheelie bins.
Believe me – the whole place is tits up in a bucket.

So why claim that this latest brainwashed terrorist patsy has any connection to al Qaeda – and to North Yemen? Demonising Islam? Oh sure – but Western intel' can pull a false flag job and do that anytime and anywhere: New York, Madrid's train station, a Bali nightclub, the London Tube system.

What’s so interesting and attractive about the North Yemen?
Well, with being right next to Iran on the PNAC’s ‘Invasion’ list schedule, perhaps its prime geophysical location on the eastern shore of the Bab el-Mandeb Straits – where the Red Sea joins the Gulf of Aden – of significant strategic importance to the Zionist Israeli ‘Ubermench’ - who rule the US of A’s Congress and Senate – to facilitate their coming wars on the African continent – and too dominate a vital sea route..

First they bomb the utter fuck out of the capital Sana’a and do about £20 quid's worth of damage, then give Halliburton a tender-free contract to go and rebuild the infrastructure – along with a few permanent military bases and a crop of coastal desalination plants to service the incoming tribes of Western oil and gas geo’s and techies – and a couple of their ubiquitous ‘extraordinary rendition’ centres.

The US military-industrial combine pronounces overtime all around to feed the latest Shock and Awe extravaganza – and sees stock prices ascend to an all-time high.

Next Slackwater / Xe get a contract to police the dump and kill every fucking local Yemeni old enough to bleed.
Then the Seven Sisters divvy up the giant natural gas field concessions spread deep below the gritty sands in the south of the pox-ridden country.

End of the day, everyone’s happy and earning a dollar – apart from the Yemenis.

All too easy – with thanks to one gullible Nigerian patsy puppet with shit-for-brains for making it all possible.

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

A Farrago of the Vanities

An Israeli magician has begun his attempt to break the world ‘Isolationist’ record for being segregated from contact with the rest of the world by staying inside a monster ice cube.

If successful, Sheldon Weaselberg, the former tomcat strangler who once enthralled a Jerusalem theatre audience by disappearing up his own arsehole, plans to emerge from the eight-tonne ice cube at midnight on New Year's Eve – frostbitten to all buggery and back - but hopefully with a Guinness World Record to his name.

Thousands of shit-for-brains numpty kikes have gathered in Tel Aviv’s Jolly Genocide Square to watch Weaselberg attempt to beat the current record of 58 hours by at least ten minutes – an unparalleled first - set by David Blaine in 2000 when he was frozen in a giant icepop mould with a big lolly stick shoved up his bum.

However Guinness Records spokesman Mick McSpud informed a reporter from the Jerusalem-based Holohoax Gazette “One thing Weaselberg’s PR guys are forgetting is that the actual Isolationist record is still held by the Palestinians since the Israelis built their siege-quality racist barrier Wall of Segregation around Gaza.
The Conservatives, led by Posh Dave Cameron, have attacked Gordon Broon’s Stalinist government over the number of top-of-the-range mobile phones circulating around the UK’s PFI-run prisons.
Ministry of Justice figures show almost 9,000 mobile phones and SIM cards are reportedly in use around the British prison system – according to statistics provided by mail order suppliers Carphone Warehouse.

Cameron and Co. claim the very existence of these cell phones, and the ease that prisoners seem to obtain them, could pose a national security threat if terrorist convicts got hold of them and were able to contact their leader Big Al Qaeda at his new headquarters base in North Yemen.

Justice Secretary Jack Straw accused the Tories of ‘yet another playing fields of Eton’ propaganda trick and said prisons were doing all they could to vet Prison Officers from the Renta-Thug and Sadists-R-Us security agencies for past criminal convictions – which was a problem when most were Albanian and Polish pikey immigrants.

Further, Straw stressed the point that under new Labour legislation, prisoners caught in possession of a mobile phone – while in jail - could face actual criminal charges – and a possible prison sentence.
The man who landed what was dubbed "the best job in the world" as the caretaker on a tropical island off the old British penal colony of Australia has been stung by a lethal jellyfish.

The Smegmadale-on-Sea born Wilf Fuctifino, who beat 34,000,000 applicants to win the sought-after job, was stung by a peanut-sized Irukandji jellyfish while working the final week of his notice.

Wilf, who initially took to the job like a Catholic choirboy takes to buggery, told a reporter from the Lonely Gits Gazette “Wot a cunt of a place this really after a few months – out on an island in the middle of the Barrier Reef and all by yer effin’ self.”

Mr. Fuctifino’s online daily weblog – established to encourage tourism out to the islands – stated this morning "I've been boxed by a kangaroo, nibbled by a shark and bitten on the arse by a redback lurkin’ under me bog seat. Plus I got stalked by funnel-web spiders, chased by a fuckin’ big croc’, and bitten on me cock by a snake while I was takin’ a slash.”

“Now, in me final few days on Hamilton Island I get stung by a jellyfish while havin’ a bit of a paddle. If it’s not bad enough havin’ to drink warm XXXX beer an’ shag cassowaries or a dodgy dingo every time yer get horny, yer riskin’ life an’ limb every time yer go into the sea.”

While reports are still shaky on actually how lethal Fuctifno’s jellyfish sting might have proven, the Australian Tourist Board website has just posted a vacancy for a replacement caretaker on Hamilton Island.
An ‘up close and personal’ survey of more than 1,000,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for the sub-continent’s male population’s weiners.

The study discovered 95% of the men measured were tackled out with penises that were shorter – and thinner - than the required phallic dimensions to elicit the “Oooooh! - Ahhhhh!” factor responses from any self-respecting nymphomaniac.

The two-year survey was carried out by the Indian Council for Cock Studies with 1,200,000 volunteers from up and down the length and breadth of the country having the length and breadth of their members measured precisely - to the last millimetre.

Dr Chipmunk Chuckabutty, head of the Penile Measurement Department at the ICCS, told a reporter from the Well Hung Gazette that the conclusion of this pseudo-scientific endeavour proves that 95% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture – and indicative of the reason that most Indian males sit down to pee.

The issue is serious as nine out of every ten condoms falls off during use and in a country that already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation and a burgeoning population sexplosion, this does present a problem.

Thus enterprising entrepreneurs have now begun producing several sizes of condoms ranging from Large to Medium to Small to Very Small.
The only foreseeable problem will be overcoming the inherent male macho factor of when a man is faced with entering a pharmacy staffed by females of the species and asking for a pack of ‘Very Small’ sized condoms.

To misquote Alexander Pope: “For inches and centimetres, let fools contend."
The Fuk Yoo Tu shopping centre in China has opened a car park that offers women drivers a choice of bigger-than-normal parking spaces to accommodate what it sees as their special needs.

Mr Flip Flop Fong, manager of the shopping centre in Wanking, told a journalist from the Presbyopia Gazette that the ‘split-arsed drivers only’ parking lot aimed to address women's "strong sense of colour and different sense of distance."

The spaces are "one metre wider than normal parking spaces," Fong explained, adding that the mall had "installed signs and security monitoring equipment that corresponded more to women's needs: designed by women – for women."

Driving in China is notoriously dangerous, with nearly 730,500 people killed in road accidents last year, or just over 2000 fatalities per day – (90% of which are caused by women drivers) -which government bureaucrats claim does ultimately help with over-population problems and the carbon cap n trade exchange index.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Vatican Villain Outdoes ‘Fast & Furious’

A Vatican priest led vice squad plods on a high speed car chase around Rome - leaving a trail of mayhem and destruction in his wake - plus several officers injured - after they attempted to pull him over for ‘cruising’ and ‘kerb-crawling’ around the city’s infamous red light district after he was seen leaving the ribald Choir Boys Review Bar.

Father Buggeroffi, 96, told a reporter from the Car Jackers Weekly that he floored his Ferrari Dino sports car after he erroneously assumed the group of plain clothes officers who tried to flag him down at the ‘pederastrian’ crossing outside the Nympho Nun’s Club were part of a gang of thieving Albanian scallies attempting to rob him.

During the twenty minute early hours car chase - which was described in court as "Even better that the Fast and Furious Hollywood movie" two vice squad vehicles crashed – into each other – and left three police officers injured.

The court in Rome heard that Father Buggeroffi was actually a priest who worked in the Vatican's State Department and was also a master of ceremonies at St Sodom's Basilica.

However the vice squad officers claim they gave chase after Father Buggeroffi was spotted driving slowly in the Valle Giulia - the red light area of Rome infamous and renown for every conceivable form of sexual deviation and prostitution – catering to the Vatican’s legions of ordained Catholic kiddie fiddlers, closet transvestities, zoophiles and necrophiliacs.

When eventually cornered and stopped by a Polizia di Stato traffic blockade the errant priest informed stunned officers: "You are all so fucked for arresting me – I only visit the Valle Giulia to hear the confessions of shemales and whores and save their souls from eternal damnation for shagging farm animals.”

Father Buggeroffi stands accused of driving under the influence of altar wine, running over a police officer’s foot, resisting arrest and failing to produce documents for the car or his identity when stopped.

His lawyer, Guido Corruptioni, told the court in Rome: 'My client is not a procurer or user of prostitutes or transsexuals – he goes to the Valle Giulia to provide spiritual guidance and hear the confessions of the fallen.”

“The condoms and industrial-strength Viagra the police found in his car are the property of his brother – as too is the leather bondage equipment.”
“Conversely the good Father freely admits the scourges and whips are his property – which he uses for his daily self-flaggellation sessions.”

“The vice squad officers are simply inventing this 'kerb crawling' story so they might have a high profile court case embroidered with lots of scandalous innuendo to make a ranking Vatican official look bad.”
“Believe me, do not invoke God’s divine fury by bearing false witness against one of His priests.”

Monday, 28 December 2009

Happy New False Flag Attack: 2010

New Labour’s Ministry of Advanced Scaremongering has issued warnings to businesses in London to expect a Mumbai-style attack on the capital early in the New Year.

At a briefing in the City of London today, a senior detective from SO15, the Metropolitan police domestic terrorism operations command, told a reporter from the False Flag Weekly that “The Mumbai Circus is coming to London.”

During a “commando-style” raid by 10 gunmen on hotels, chew n spew fast food joints and Rub n Tug massage parlours in Mumbai in November 2008, 174 people were killed and more than 300 injured over three days until the police woke up to the fact all the bangs were not the city’s shithouse taxis backfiring but actually guns and hand grenades going off.

Supt. Arthur Fuctifino confided companies should anticipate a shooting and hostage-taking raid “involving a small number of Hebrew-speaking gunmen disguised as Jolly Jihadi mujahideen and Brazilian electricians, armed with light bulbs, multi-testers, handguns and improvised nuclear devices”.
“In fact Tel Aviv might send the same blokes over again wot did the 7/7 tube train bombings cos they know London by now, don’t they.”

The warning — the bluntest issued by Met’ police since their last ‘blunt warning’ — has underlined an MI6 requirement issued by Business Secretary Peter Scandalson that another terrorist attack around the middle of January would be very helpful in diverting the stupid public’s attentions away from their humungous Xmas-spend credit card bills and the fact they’re all still unemployed – and hopefully boost New Labour’s ratings in the polls – especially if the terrorists manage to shoot a few of London’s overpaid banksters in the process..

Supt. Fuctifino added “Our Middle East intelligence source – Al Jazeera – suggests a likely set of patsies might well be the anarchic rockers group Rage Against the Machine - who have long been classed as ‘Luddites’ and got awarded with a domestic terrorist label by MI6 since getting into the charts this Christmas with their hit album tracks ‘Burn the Effin’ Queen’ and ‘Wills is the Anti-Christ’.”
“These blokes are known radicals with infidel Muslim sympathies – they even go drinkin’ in a pub called the Saracen’s Head.”

“Now yer got this other Nigerian bloke – Abdulla Muttonstew - what’s got connections to both the Big Al Qaeda and Taliban Dan gang’ 419 scam networks – gets on a Northwest Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit and he sez to the woman sittin’ next to him “I hate your Democtaric freedoms” then sets his own effin’ leg on fire. Now that’s what I call a suicide arsonist with a mission, no less.”

Earlier reports indicated a raid by the Bradfordistan-based Jolly Jihadi terrorist group was due to strike Western political leaders at the recent United Nations Global Warming Summit in Copenhagen but was called off following a negative ‘risk assessment’ report due the thick snow and icy road conditions and fears someone might get hurt.

Sunday, 27 December 2009

Bliar Compares Himself to Croesus

Tony Bliar has likened himself to Bill Goats, the founder of Microslop Systems and the world’s richest man, going so far as to suggest he could make five times as many lucrative bullshit speeches as he does now.

The former Slime Minister defended his money grubbing activities since leaving office, which have seen him earn an estimated £14 zillion – tax free - in little more than two years – but claimed the bulk of his time is actually being spent on trying to bring peace to the Middle East and compling a long list of excuses as to why he was right to invade Iraq and shouldn’t be charged with war crimes.

As well as a £2 zillion-a-year advisory job with the US investment banks ‘Debt Gobblers’ and ‘Insolvency Corp’ - and a lucrative contract to write his autobiography - ‘Memoires of a Serial Liar’ - Bliar earns hundreds of thousands of pounds for wheeler dealing around the Old Boys network and trading insider information for hard cash and free lunches.

He also rakes in mega-bucks for his contributions of political gossip and tittle-tattle to the Daily Shitraker’s character assassination pages.

Earlier this year, it was reported that he was paid £400,000 for two 30-minute speeches during a 36-hour visit to the Philippines – a basket case Third World dump that doesn’t even have a workable welfare system for its landless peasant types due the nation’s elitist oligarchs buying their political seats and maintaining their self-serving Kleptocracy – but can somehow manage to root up nearly half a millllion quid of public money to pay a career criminal like Bliar for a couple of half hour chats on the fine art of Political Scumbaggery.

Bliar told Pox News that, aged 56, he was young enough to pursue a second career if he can manage to keep his bony arse out of prison on war crimes charges - and compared himself to Bill Goats, the Microslop Systems founder and philanthropist whose personal wealth is estimated at $40 zillion – what accountants refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’.

He added “I got out of politics when it all started going tits up and MI6 made such an amateurish mess of murdering David Kelly. Really, if it wasn’t for my mate Lord Hutton fixing the inquiry I’d have got blamed for that one and be sharing a cell with that moron Tory - Jeffrey Archer.”

Bliar admitted that he spends around three-quarters of his time out of Britain and is far more popular abroad than in the UK, suggesting that people in other countries – like Uzbekistan - don’t object to his being a serial liar who can’t tell the truth even if he doesn’t have a lie ready – or even give a toss about him illegally invading other sovereign states and being a war criminal.

After ten years of totally fucking up the British economy and dragging the country into illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq – plus overseeing the 7/7 false flag terrorist attacks on the London tube system - Bliar now runs several charitable foundations, advises basket case African governments on how to coerce and steal their neighbour’s natural resources.

He further acts as an honourary legal counsel to the Knesset on Lord Rothshite’s behalf, in helping to legalize the apartheid Walls of Segregation around Gaza and the West Bank.

Would you like to earn £400,000 per hour, dodge taxes and be richer that Croesus or Midas? Can you spin a few porky pies like Tony? Can you pass yourself off as a Prize Lying Cunt? Has your missus got a mouth like a burst tyre?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a 2010 Feast of the Pissover sun and fun break at Nutty Rothschild’s opulent Kassiopi villa on the island of Corfu overlooking the Ionian Sea – and trade lies with Tony while rubbing shoulders with all kinds of celebrity scumbags and career scallies like Peter Scandalson, Lord Lucan, Israeli Foreign Minister cum wanted war criminal Tipzi Livid and Russian zillionaire scrap dealer Oleg Mobsaroubles.

Saturday, 26 December 2009

Royal Inbreeds Celebrate Christmas

Queen Elizabeth Mk II (call me Brenda) and other members of her heteroclite mutant family are spending Christmas Day well away from Britain’s whingeing peasant classes at their elitist Sandringham estate in Norfolk.

The Queen's annual condescending Christmas message will be broadcast on both radio and television at 1500 hours, just after everyone’s got back from their Xmas Day lunchtime booze up at the local pub, scoffed the turkey dinner and then crashed out fast asleep in front of the telly.

Regardless of her message falling on deaf ears, Brenda is expected to pay tribute to the work of the armed forces and their efforts to keep Afghanistan ‘British’ and the Crown poppy crops safe.

She will further draw attention to the fact that this year more than 100 British servicemen were killed in Afghanistan while trying to bring Democracy to a very ungrateful infidel population – and stress the fact that youngsters in the UK need to get off their lazy unemployed arses and sign up to join the Queen’s Own Cannon Fodder Regiment to reinforce the Royal Opium Farm Guards.

Rumours are circulating that Brenda will urge opposing political parties around the Commonwealth to come together and discuss solutions for foisting the Copenhagen carbon cap n trade exchange scam on a sceptical public - to convince them that global warming really is a problem and the current sub-zero Arctic temperatures and heavy snowfall are all part of a Marxist Chinese HAARP-engineered plot to undermine St Albert of Gore’s gospel.

The annual speech usually has a strong religious framework that never fails to mention the Windsor’s Divine Right to rule, and further reflects on current issues - often drawing on the 96-year old Queen's worrying concerns that the British proletariat might well one day wake up to their numerical advantage and get it into their stupid heads to have a French – or Russian – style revolution.

In past years Her Majesty has usually reserved the closing minutes of her sanctimonious homily for making excuses over the pathetic and often offensive behaviour of other members of the royal family – usually beginning with her geriatric immigrant husband Phillip – the Royal Virus - for the numerous faux pax regarding his views on eugenics, useless eaters, global genocide and having his daughter-in-law snuffed by the security services for shagging the son of a millionaire Muslim costermonger.

The Prince of Wales always gets a mention for being such an abysmal clot and talking to plants – then marrying a chain-smoking troll like Gorgonella - and last but by no means least - Prince Harry – the Royal Cuckoo – for wearing Nazi uniforms in public and getting into the Guinness Book of World Records due his numerous appearances at Bow Street Magistrate’s Court on drunk and disorderly charges.

The Royal inbreeds are rarely all together under one roof and Christmas is the singular occasion during the year when they gather and try to put up with each other’s annoying habits for a couple of nights and break bread as a family.

The Royal Pigfest will be served in the traditional ‘banqueting trough’ – with this year’s centrepiece being roast black swans garnished with aspic and aardvark vomit – a gastronomical gourmet delight laid on by Lucullus Catering of Monaco.

As in past years they will attend morning service together at their private Church of Mamon’s Altar on the Sandringham estate where they worship their heathen gods of Babylon and pray to Satan for a yet another prosperous New Year – with the Very Reverend Seymour Rothshite officiating.

This is followed by the local Allegiance Ceremony in which a bevvy of servile Sandringham peasants line up outside the church to ritually doff caps, touch forelocks and lick the dogshit from Brenda’s boots as she walks over their prostrate emaciated bodies.

Princes William and Harry - who are both on vacation from their professional commitments - as the trainee Anti-Christ and – respectively - a trainee alcoholic - are expected to be in attendance if the ginger minger doesn’t have to be bailed out of some local police station lock up for another breach of the peace.

Anne, the equine-featured Princess Royal, will be present to perform her official duty of frightening the bats and other vermin out of the Sandringham attics now her deceased mother Margaret – the Royal Bike – is no longer available to do the job.
Her daughter, Zara Phillips, (aka the Royal Dwarf) was snapped by the pestilent paparazzi arriving at the Xmas bash wearing twelve inch stiletto heels and sporting more teeth than a piranha.

She was accompanied by cousins Princess’s Beatrice and Eugenie – the slack-jawed daughters of the Fat Fergie Beast and Prince Andrew. Both appeared in the gutter press gossip columns recently when the Daily Shitraker mentioned that neither would ever qualify as a suitable role model for virginity.

Eugenie signed on a her local Jobcentre last week and hopes to find employment early in the New Year suited to her academic diplomas in ‘Hedonistic Squandering’, ‘Ostentatious Waste’ and ‘Indolence’.

Prince Andrew himself has now set a tradition of showing up late for the holiday, normally accompanied by a couple of cheap Albanian pikey whores, while younger brother Prince Edward does his bad penny trick and invariably tries to convince Mum to invest in his latest money-losing scheme involving Mark Twatcher and some basket case African shithole.

The Queen's Speech will be broadcast on BBC One at 1500 GMT on Christmas Day, and shown again at 2350 GMT on the ‘Dave’ and ‘Bid’ channels – a good time to watch the Scrapheap Challenge Xmas Special on Channel 194 in which the opposing teams build their own International Space Station and have a race to Mars and back.

Friday, 25 December 2009

UK Change Law to Protect Israeli War Criminals

Due Israel reacting angrily to the issuing by a British court of an arrest warrant for the former ginger minger Israeli Foreign Minister, Tipzi Livni. (aka Zippy the Pinhead) on charges of war crimes, Lord Rothschild and Co. have pressured fellow kikester – UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede - into publicly declaring the Labour government has been deeply embarrassed by the incident, stating the threat of legal action against Israeli officials for simply murdering low-life Palestinian scum is hampering New Labour’s efforts to bring peace to the Middle East.

Rather, the fact is that the only thing hampering efforts to bring peace to the Middle East is the continuing genocidal policies of the Israeli government’s psycopathic Zionist war criminals.

However, after receiving a right royal bollocking off Lord Rothshite Gordon Brown informed the String-Pullers Gazette “The British government will introduce legislation early in the New Year to stop Israeli ministers and officials facing arrest for war crimes every time they visit the UK.”

The move is intended to calm Israeli fury after Titsup Livid, the opposition party leader and foreign minister at the time of the Gaza invasion a year ago, was forced to abandon a trip to London this month because pro-Palestinian activists obtained a warrant for her arrest.

However the warrant, granted by a London court was revoked on Monday when it was learned Ms Livid had decided to stay well away from the UK if there was a chance of her getting arrested for her part in ordering the military assaults and ethnic cleansing horrors visited on Gaza’s civilian population last Christmas.

Conversely the Israelis continuing illegal blockade of Gaza – and too the West Bank - constitutes an act of aggression by a bully state – the type of scenario the Israelis never fail to mention when referring to their beloved Holohoax and WW2 Nazi aggression.

This blockade constitutes a continuing war crime as does the eviction of Palestinian families from their homes in Jerusalem and the theft of West Bank lands.

Hymie Weaselberger, Israel’s ambassador to London, yesterday issued a paranoid diatribe to Fux News staing that the issue of the warrants was symptomatic of the "obsession to de-legitimise and demonise the illegally-founded Jewish state" in the UK and to promote a boycott of Israeli goods by enforcing regulations that supermarkets must label goods from the West Bank as being Palestinian produce or usurper Jewish produce.

Israeli ministers, senior military personnel and other guilty government officials are understood to be boycotting visits to Britain until ministers in London make good their promises to change the law so they can continue to wage war against Palestinian civilians then travel abroad with impunity.

Nevertheless the British government is now powerless to stop individuals applying to a magistrates’ court for arrest warrants under the principle of "Universal Jurisdiction" established under the 1957 Geneva Conventions Act.

Under this jurisdiction, anyone accused of war crimes can be tried anywhere in the world. Additionally, under the 1980 Magistrates’ Courts Act, anyone in England and Wales can apply to a court for an arrest warrant for someone they wish to prosecute privately for a serious crime – even Israeli bully boy – or girl – government ministers.

Under the brown-nosing legislative proposals to be put forward by the government next month to appease the outlaw Zionist state, the approval of the Solicitor General – ‘Dogshit Vera Baird’ - will be needed before any arrest warrants for war crimes can be issued.

FS Millipede told Pox News that the government will be taking this "urgent" action in the wake of the Tipsy Livid warrant because Israeli leaders "must be able to visit London to check on their Rothshite Bank numbered accounts, arrange arms deals and oversee Mossad's false flag terrorist attacks on the London tube system.

However, there are fears in legal circles in Britain that an attempt to change the law simply to placate the Zionist Jewboy Masonic cabals governing our sceptred isle might amount to unacceptable political interference with the independence of the courts.

Whereas the British public must be wondering what has happened to the nation’s backbone – and its moral compass - when they see news headlines like these: "British Foreign Secretary David Milliped yesterday apologized to Prime Minister Binman Nuttyahoo and Ms. Titsy Trollenberg Livid and current Foreign Minister Sheldon Scumstein for the arrest warrant issued against Ms Livid in London earlier this week.”

“FS Millipede promised to begin working immediately to change the UK laws that enable the issue of arrest warrants against Israeli officials accused of war crimes."

Who does this first generation immigrant minister think he is, apologising in the name of patriot English peasants for the operation of British law, especially when the warrant was issued to answer charges of war crimes? Anyone remember the Nuremberg Code?

Then Millipede has the audacity to declare "It’s about the entire State of Israel and our ability to go on working together against common threats."

What common threats? Brits have nothing in common with the illegal Zionist state. The threats Israel faces are caused by its Zionist dogma, its racist expansion, land theft, general lawlessness and hateful attitude towards its Semite neighbours, and by the lethal threat Israel itself presents to others in the region with their nuclear arsenal and paranoid belligerence against anyone threatening their military hegemony.

Yet these Shylock career hypocrites have the audacity to question why they’re as popular as chemotherapy. Throughout their perfidious history why do we have repeated instances of Diasporas, Pogroms, Inquisitions, Exodus’s and Holhoaxes – and always the Jews. Why?

Why – for they – this people who murdered Christ - have made great industry throughout history of promoting themselves as victims.

Though while hyping up and marketing their threadbare Holohoax scam and whingeing over the Nazi genocide supposedly directed against them - the Juden racism, ethnic cleansing, apartheid and horror stories of the Ghettos’ - yet themselves build a foul Walls of Apartheid Racist Segregation around Gaza and the West Bank to entrap the Palestinians inside a ‘Ghetto’ of Zionist Yid design and construction – thus converting an impoverished enclave into a Nazi-style Ghetto.

Well, Slime Minister Binman Nuttyahho and his compatriot Ashkenazi impostor Jews from Russia are not the Chosen People – and the Land of Palestine belongs to the real Semites - the true owners of the Holy Land - the Palestinians.

So, little wonder their anti-Semitic criminal warlike acts of aggression – those inhuman cruelties committed against the Palestinian populations – which they continue to carry out with impunity - incites free-thinking people of conscience to file criminal charges against those Israeli government officials responsible.

This factor is highlighted by an unhealthy lack of criticism or stricture from the UN or the AIPAC Zionist-run United States government that has funded the outlaw state since its inception.

Alas, it is a genetic fault that manifests throughout the Torah and contemporary history – that their Shylock greed knows no bounds. They are their own worst enemy and will again lie dead under the ashes of Topeth and on the fields of Armageddon.

Alas Israel, and too Zionism, History will not treat nor remember you gently.

To conclude, as to apprehending ‘war criminals’, why no simply take a leaf out of Israel’s own outlaw manual and go and grab them anywhere on Earth – such as they felt arrogantly justified to do when they snatched Adolf Eichmann in Argentina.
So, Ms Livid – and numerous others – watch your guilty arses!

Merry Christmas from Rusty’s Skewed News Views: Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic.
A newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

Pope Benny Debagged by Dyke Nutter

Pope Benedict – the 94-year old German Mk. XVI build-to-last Panzer model – was orating Christmas Eve Mass in St Peter's Square when rugby tackled by a radical militant debagger who vaulted a meter-high cardboard security barrier and made her dive for the ex-Nazi Pontiff.

The athletic Amazon, a mentally unstable dyke member of the Lesbians-4-Christ cult succeeded in getting her hands up the floored Pope’s cassock and ripping off his Jimmy Choo Choo designer jockey shorts before Swiss guards managed to beat her to death with pikes, halberds and battle axes.

The 106-year old French Prelate - Cardinal Gaston le Pratt, former Abbot of the infamous St. Sodom’s Monastery, who was standing next to Pope Benny during the incident, minding the Papal ashtray, collapsed in shock and suffered a terminal bowel movement, declaring in high voice “J’avec merde!”- then ballistically excreting his lower colon due a prolapsed anal sphincter.

Once the expired Frog was stretchered off in a body bag the Pontiff received a standing ovation and several rounds of applause, then proceeded with the Mass regardless - telling his amused congregation “If these feminists want a split-arsed Pope that badly they can have my job right now!”

The radical feminist Lesbians-4-Christ movement have carried out similar attacks on ranking Catholic figures over the past year, protesting the fact there has never been a female Archbishop, Cardinal nor Pope elected to date.

In May 2008 the Lesbians-4-Christ cult managed to bring down and debag Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor, the Archbishop of Westminster, pulling his vestments over his head and revealing the shocking fact the Prelate was kitted out in a set of Ann Summers’ black lingerie – complete with crotchless thong, peephole bra, suspender belt and fishnet stockings.

A Vatican spokesman played down scandalous reports of the incident, informing journalists “Hey, it’s no big deal what a priest wears below his cassock – it’s all about personal taste and genital comfort. Think back to Jesus’ time in Palestine – they didn’t bother wearing skiddies under their robes – just let their tackle swing free and kept cool.”

Further weirdo protests have come from one particular numpty fundamentalist Christian sect demanding the Vatican provide a more accessible cuddly type Pontiff to meet their church’s ‘Hug-a-Pope’ criteria.

As members of the 1.1-billion Catholic community celebrated Christmas around the world, thousands of sweltering pilgrims gathered in the West Bank town of Bethlehem’s iconic ‘Manky Manger’ where Latin Patriarch Cardinal Foul Twatte, the most senior Roman Catholic cleric in the Holy Land, declared the region's aspiration of Peace on Earth remained out of reach while the mad dog heathen Israelis kept up their tyrannical Zionist policies of exterminating the ethnic Palestinians and stealing even more of their land with each passing day.

Perhaps in a season of goodwill attempt to kick start World War Three the Patriarch drew his congregation’s attentions to the fact of “Remember, the Israelis are infidel Jewish types whose racist Torah holy book declares hatred of all other religions and we Christians - and just down the road in Jerusalem is where their rabid Rabbis conspired to falsely accuse our Lord Jesus of blasphemy and sedition then crucified Him on two big pieces of wood.”

Meanwhile, back in Rome and St Peter’s Square reporters were gathering spectator’s comments on the Papal debagging incident.

One devout Southern Baptist from Texas who captured the ‘magic moment’ on his cellphone’s camera, related the attacker was dressed in a red hooded sweatshirt and jogging pants, plus black boots and further disguised with a huge white beard when she suddenly leapt over the barrier and downed His Holiness, shouting ‘Ho-ho-ho – have I got a surprise for you Benny boy!”

Eyewitness Billy Bob Fuctifino, travelling with Redneck Tours told the Scandalmongers Gazette: “All of a sudden this body builder bitch in a Santa outfit sort of flew over the barricade like one of the X-Men doing a rugby tackle and the Holy Father went down like a bag of shit.”

“Next thing them there Swiss guard guys were on top of it, you know the whole caboodle there and beat the bejaysus outa the slag and dragged her off – with their CO telling Pope Benny to stop fucking around with the pantomime games and get on with the Mass.”

Vatican press officer, Fr. Guido Buggeroffi, informed Pox News that the decision to hold the ‘Midnight Mass’ two hours earlier – at 2200 hours - was to allow the Pope to attend a traditional Bavarian ‘Horst Wessel’ Xmas party at a downtown ‘Valle Giulia’ red light district lap dancing bar.

Merry Christmas from Rusty’s Skewed News Views: Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic.
A newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Sharia Law: An Eye for an - Ear - or a Nose?

Whatever happened to President Umaru Yar’Adua’s Nigeria - West Africa’s bright shining beacon of Democracy and Civilisation? (Hey, no shit - that’s what it says in the tourist brochure).

Yar’Adua skipped off to Saudi Arabia for a bit of Halal heart surgery and the whole place went to shit in a bucket once the mad Mullahs took charge and kicked off running around condemning every fucker and their dog to barbarous Sharia law punishments that would put the Spanish Inquisition, the noxious Nazis and even Israel’s Knesset to shame.

Fellattia Mingerot, an unmarried – and too unemployed -16-year old mother of three, was this week sentenced to death by stoning for flogging her golly around Lagos to raise a few bob to pay the rent and feed her brood - due the total absence of a welfare state.

Her public stoning extravaganza will involve being buried up to the neck in sand and having a variety of rocks (granite shards, heavy gravel, duckstones and cobbles) thrown at her head until she expires her mortal coil and goes aloft to join Allah’s Choir Invisible.

However, the Islamic court has ruled that the penalty cannot be carried out until Miss Mingerot has finished breastfeeding her baby daughter, Wollygog, which will not be before February 2010 – so at least she’s got the odd Christmas party to look forward to and enjoy a few drinks and a bifta beforehand.

Meanwhile, the sentence has provoked civil unrest, with riots breaking out between Christian and Muslim communities over how far the reach of the moronic Mullah’s imposition of their draconic and idiotic Sharia law might spread.

Last year, a teenage single mother in the capital Abuja was given 100 lashes for adultery, even though she was unmarried and happened to have been raped by three men. Now, beat that for cockamamie Islamic logic.

Sharia law’s application of the absurd does equally well in Pakistani where a religious court has sentenced Najib al Gitt to have his ears and nose cut off, as punishment for paying a neighbour to put out the eyes of a woman who refused to marry him. As the rejected groom, Gitt, is himself blind already it was decided a fitting exchange would be his other cranial appendages.

Government prosecutor Mullah Mohammed al Mohammad informed one reporter from the Sadist’s Gazette that punishment had been awarded in accordance with Islam’s ‘Hadd Offences’ principle of "an eye for an eye – or an ear".
Apparently the neighbour got off lightly and only copped for ten hours community service - licking the mosque floor clean.

Here in the UK we have good Christian folk whingeing and complaining about Britain’s courts and judges being lax when it comes to meting out punishments to fit the crime – with a community service order sentence for multiple homicides or blagging a security van being quite the norm.

Whereas perhaps they’d like to sample a taste of Sharia Law in Saudi Arabia - the basket case foundation stone of Islam – where the sentence for nicking anything – even doing a spot of Christmas or Hari Raya shoplifting - is getting your right hand chopped off.
Keeping up with Amnesty International’s ‘Severity Index, adultery in the hypocritical kingdom carries a penalty of stoning - or beheading – so it’s nice to have a choice of sentence.

Yesterday the Archbishop of York – the Ugandan-born Dr Semengugu -condemned new legislation recently passed by crusading homophobe MPs in Uganda’s corrupt Parliament to impose capital punishment on gay people who have sex with a miner.
As of going to press the law is still unclear if this includes gold, coal and copper miners. Further no mention is made of sex between two consenting miners.

So, what are the worst punishments to be handed out in this ‘enlightened’ day and age?
Well, Islamic Sharia law again comes first place when you can get your cock chopped off for rape – or goat bonking - in most Islamic nations.

In China the standard penalty for anything – even late payment of council tax or using the wrong wheelie bin – is the forced donation of one – or more - vital organs – with kidneys being the all-round favourite in the run up to Christmas.

While manky Malaysia (yup, yet another Islamic society) imposes the death penalty for possession of the Big H (Heroin – not Halibut), neighbouring Singapore dispenses 20 strokes of the rotan for possession of chewing gum but only a S$100 fine for tossing killer litter (read three-piece suite or old ref or gas oven) over the top floor balconies of the island’s government-owned HUD Renta-Slum apartments – which have a bad habit of landing on top of hapless passers-by.

Catholics have traditionally been excommunication (a fate worse than death?) for virtually anything that pissed the Vatican off - from heresy to refusing to cough up a few bob extra for the offertory plate.

Jewish law can be even harsher than its Sharia cousin – with 39 non-kosher actions prohibited on the Sabbath – including extinguishing the flames of a fire if your house is ablaze – with the breach of any of the 39 being a ‘capital offence’.
Ah well, could be worse – Jesus got himself crucified for calling the Sanhedrin and Pilate a bunch of ‘tossers’.

On the Pacific’s Mumbo Jumbo Islands it is a capital offence to steal a bicycle, with voyeurism and sniffing the toilet seats in the ‘Ladies’ section of a public lavatory an exiling offence.
Further, anyone failing to pay their breadfruit tax on schedule gets buggered by the tribal council.

In total contrast jay walking in Las Vegas carries a £100 fine and 15 days in the local Sodomite’s Paradise – the County Jail.

Meanwhile, closer to home, on the North Atlantic’s sacred islet of Rockall, where man-sex with sheep is not only permitted but actively encouraged by members of the all-female Margrave’s Council and Court Leet, harsh penalties dating back to Viking times exist for copulating with sea birds – with gull buggery punishable by 50 lashes of the cat (or dog) and a week in the pillory - and oral sex with a cormorant (RSPB-protected species) carries a sentence of five years hard labour in the island’s guano pit.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Wills Roughs it with the Street People

Prince William has spent a night sleeping rough in an event organised by Brass Monkeys - a charity for the homeless that funds the supply of weatherproof body bags and large cardboard boxes.

William dossed out in a Tog #20 sleeping bag under Blackfriars Bridge in central London last week, looking up at the array of lynched Vatican bankers – left swinging from the girders like morbid Xmas decorations as a warning to other light-fingered gits.

Wills informed a reporter from the Street Urchins Review that he could not "even begin to imagine what it must be like to sleep rough night after night and never have your own warm Royal Palace to go home to at night and cuddle up with Nanny in your four-poster bed.

Clarence House admitted a "small element of security" had remained with the Prince during the night – a fully armed detachment from the Met’s elite CO19 ‘Brazilian Snuffers’ armed response unit plus two squads of 22nd SAS troopers from Regent Park Barracks.

Rumours that helicopters and battle tanks from the Queen’s Own 18th Cannon Fodder Regiment had been deployed to protect the Prince were dismissed as utter nonsense.
A Ministry of Defence spokesman told Pox News the 18th CFR were simply on their scheduled traffic control exercises and manoeuvres around the Blackfriars area.

Prince William told the correspondent from the Silver Spoon Gazette that the experience had deepened his understanding of homelessness.
"Poverty, mental illness, drug and alcohol dependency and family breakdowns cause people to become homeless. Just look at my Mum – she went off to live with some Muslim camel trader chappie so Greek grand-dad Phillip had her murdered.”

Wills was joined by his ginger minger brother Harry and the Brass Monkeys charity's chief executive Marmite Chuckabutty, who said they were almost run over by a road sweeper vehicle until a passing helicopter gunship blasted it with a shit-seeking missile.

Mr Chuckabutty related "For me, it was a scary experience - out of my comfortable bed at Belmarsh Prison and cast into the raw elements on an extremely cold night with temperatures down to -4 C. God, don’t you just hate this global warming thing they switched on in Copenhagen last week.”

"And it was the same for Prince William too. But he was determined to do it in order to raise awareness of the problem and to be able to write to Gordon Brown and tell him what rough sleepers go through night after night when they wake up with frozen haemorrhoids and a blue cock – and all because his Labour government have made a total fuck up of the British economy."

Mr Chuckabutty posted on his charity's website: "We took as much precaution as possible - finding a relatively secluded spot in an alleyway, shielded partly by a row of space heaters and bales of hay.”
"But there was no shielding from the bitter cold and the hard concrete floor, or the fear of being accosted by drug dealers, pimps, transvestite whores or those out to give vagrant homeless scumbags a 'good kicking' just for sport – like the Met’s PCSO’s from Renta-Bully.”

The group slept until 0600 GMT when the princes were taken on a tour of areas where people were sleeping rough in the West End of London had actually become frozen to the pavements, before heading to the Brass Monkeys' Greek Street centre in Soho where they wolfed into a reheated breakfast of pygmy goat kebabs, pizza, garlic bread and spaghetti dug out of a nearby chew n spew fast food joint’s wheelie bin.

Prince Harry, the Royal Cuckoo, told Fux News “It was a spiffing brill’ experience. I met up with this dodgy pikey bloke that’s been on jobseekers allowance and DSS welfare benefits since he left school at 15.”
“He took me down to some DIY place called B & Q where we stocked up on this purple drink called ‘Meths’ – it was great gear and so cheap – and what a buzz off it.”

“Really, it was far better than hanging around Clarence House all night and listening to me Dad talking to the plants while our step-mum Gorgonella’s flat out in front of the telly swilling back cans of Headbanger lager, chain-smoking Tumours full strength and farting every five minutes.”

“It was a real mind-bender – especially the blow job I got off some Albanian pre-op’ tranny for five quid – but I wouldn’t want to sleep rough every night. Thank fuck I wasn’t born a landless peasant.”

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Radical Rebel Priest Advocates Shoplifting

A priest in North Yorkshire has advised his congregation there is no sin – mortal or otherwise - attached to shoplifting if they find themselves short of a few bob during this Shylock bankster-engineered recession.

Father Ghengis McTwatte, the parish priest of St. Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Scallies in the village of Skidrow-on-the-Wold, told a reporter from the Kleptomania Gazette people should steal from big department store chains or branches of Pukesbury’s and the Greedy Grocer supermarket outlets rather than small businesses.

McTwatte claims that Jesus Himself would personally approve of them shoplifting, especially now the catastrophic weather effects of the global warming phenomenon have really started to kick in across the UK in the run-up to Christmas and ever bugger and their dog is snow-bound, choking on Chinese CO2 and suffering from the sub-zero freezing Arctic temperatures.

The Skidrow congregation’s good shepherd further maintains that by virtue of being the Messiah’s Vicar on Earth – so too would this Divine approval be bestowed by His Holiness Pope Benny Mk XVI - and the Vatican’s Curia.

During last Sunday’s sermon Fr. Ghengis opined that high society's attitude to those in need "leaves some people no other choice but to turn to crime to support themselves and their families".

“People put out of work - then house and home - forced into a state of impecunious peril by these usurious neshekers who control Satan’s evil Banks of Mamon – we must do with them as our good Lord Jesus did with the Shylock money lenders in the Temple – give them all the hoof.”

“It is the doing of the Fabian Freemasons and Zionist banksters - those Dante placed in the inner ring of the seventh circle of Hell, below even paedo’ kiddie fiddlers – although the felonious MPs who got caught with their greedy paws stuck in the expenses jar earlier this year deserve Divine damnation too.”

“This is an insidious, dangerous, secret coterie that has been working behind the scenes subversively against every nation state’s best interests - to the detriment of the many and the benefit their select elitist few - throughout history.”

Conversely the Archbishop of Westminster told a reporter from the Crucifixion Gazette "The Catholic Church does not advise anyone to shoplift or condone thievery which all boils down to the theft of property.”

“I mean, Father Ghengis might mean well or simply be having another of his minor psychotic episodes – but can you imagine Jesus and the Twelve Disciples going out on a shoplifting binge around Jerusalem to stock up with fish, loaves of bread and a couple of jeroboams of vino for their Last Supper? Perhaps Judas might as he was obviously a bit of an all-round bad sort from Day One.”

For their part North Yorkshire Police spokesman Inspector Mohammed Chuckabutty described the sermon as "highly irresponsible” – and Fr McTwatte as "a radical anarchist preaching subversive propaganda that borders on social nihilism.”

“The Home Office has noted that his sermon is a rallying call to arms aimed at the unemployed and homeless who go cold and hungry - and without shelter - while our criminal Labour government involves itself with illegal Imperialist neo-colonial wars in Iraq and Afghanistan – the cost of which – Fr. Ghengis claims – has contributed directly to the financial quagmire and social catastrophe the UK now finds itself in with no solution in sight – just more of the same.”

“Well, on a candid personal note I couldn’t agree more but our masters in Whitehall have ordered his arrest on charges of inciting insurrection against the democratically-elected government and of being a domestic terrorist.”

“Really, I think Fr. Ghengis is going to end up the same way as that other rebellious Yorkshireman – Guy Fawkes.”

Monday, 21 December 2009

Numpty Dumpty News Roundup

UK consumers defied the harsh winter weather of chill-factor winds and heavy snowfall to spend the last weekend before the Christmas holidays on a final ‘let’s-get-further-in-debt’ shopping spree bonanza.

The Shopaholic Consortium, which represents more than 600 Pound Stretcher outlets, pirate DVD merchants and pikey car boot traders in the Greater London area, claims sales were up 10% on last year's shitty Xmas week trading.

Homeless punters braved the weather and set out in legions, buying shovels to clear their snow-bound shop front squats, rock salt for gritting their personal bit of pavement and genuine wooden logs (the imported real tree type) to fuel their Poundland pot-bellied stoves and keep pot-bellied visiting relatives warm on Xmas Day.

Now the Global Warming scaremongering scam has been exposed as more scent than substance, with government whistleblowers trumpeting the fact we’re on the precipice of another Ice Age - many shoppers went the whole hog – laying in stocks of de-icer underarm spray and investing in discount teams of reindeer and the ever-popular Scandanavian three-door hatchback sleighs.

Credit card giant Mamon Money claims to have processed a new record of more than 17 million transactions in the UK this Sunday after ATM machines froze up during the previous night’s sub-zero Arctic temperatures and cashless shoppers were forced to resort to the plastic fantastic for every transaction – in department stores and street markets alike - including the 20 pence ‘pee fee’ for using a public bog and £3 for a haunch of roast swan in between two slices of Silesian Chleb Razowy.

For the first time since the relief of Mafeking the British Army is to be kitted out with a fresh design of uniform – cunningly camouflaged to blend in with the harsh Afghan landscape.

The new Chameleon Multi-Terrain Pattern (MTP) will replace the traditional four colour urban park playground uniform known by it’s Mumbai Pound Stretcher store supply code as No 69 – Sniper-Friendly Hi-Viz (SFHV) which many critics blame for the recent spate of deaths due the Big Bird fluorescent yellow contrasting with the Barbie Doll shocking pink, Trumpton Fire Engine red and the ubiquitous lime green McE-Coli’s Chew n Spew aprons.

Forces in Afghanistan will be supplied with the first batches of the new uniforms in March next year – if boring Old Labour wins the General Election - with the whole army finally upgraded to camo’ undies by 2025.

Chameleon MTP is designed for a wide range of environments and specifically to blend in perfectly with the poppy fields the troops are primarily there to guard from getting torched by Taliban fire bomb attacks.

British troops in Afghanistan currently use a mix of desert camouflage and temperate DPM, depending on which area of the basket case country they're getting shot in.

There are four main types of terrain in the Afghan theatre of operations. The poppy-coloured ‘Poppy growing zone’, the sandy-coloured ‘Sandy Desert’ zone, the grey, rock-coloured ‘Rocky’ cave-dwelling zone and the shit-brown Mud Hut zones consisting of – er – shitty brown mud huts – and makeshift cemeteries.

One soldier – who spoke to the Warmongers Gazette on conditions of anonymity (Cpl Baz Snitcher) - criticised the amateur mix-and-match attempt at all-terrain camouflage, claiming it was far from ideal and made squaddies stand out, especially in the ‘Blood Red’ zones.

“Wot we need is the same fuckin’ camo’ gear the Taliban use cos yer can never see the cunts but they seem to be able ter spot our lads no effin’ problem.”

Dutch police informed Fux News that teenage sailor Fellattia van der Gamm - who seeks to be the youngest person to sail solo around the world - has been missing since she was last seen – a vague point that is currently cloaked in conjecture.

The 14-year old Fellattia was placed under Nanny State care after a Dutch court blocked her bid to set off on her solo voyage in September, with the Utrecht District Court claiming concerns that she might get lost - or hijacked by kiddie-fiddling Somali paedo’ pirates - were too grave to compromise or dismiss.

The court placed her under state supervision until July 2010, but allowed Miss van der Gamm to continue living on her boat as long as she promised not to sail around the globe – or empty her bank account and skip off to the Dutch Antilles - while nobody was looking.

Court officers told a reporter from the Seadogs Gazette that her 26 foot yacht ‘Gobbler’ was no longer moored at its berth and was last seen heading down the English Channel with a full span of sail.

Dutch police say they have issued an alert to lighthouses around the Earth’s oceans and seas for information to help trace and apprehend the absconded teenager who has still not handed in her school’s Christmas term homework assignment and was due to play the part of the Virgin Mary’s sister - Gladys of Galilee - in this week’s Nativity presentation.

More than 11 million people - with sweet FA better to do on a Saturday night - tuned in to watch the Strictly Come Dancing final, according to a BBC rating statistics press release.

Scrapheap Challenge celebrity mig welder Vinny Scrunt was the surprise winner of the BBC One competition, beating wheelie bin mechanic Ricky Twatte in a public vote after performing four ‘erotic’ dances with his professional Flamenco partner Rita Slagg.

The show attracted a peak audience of 11.7 million viewers, compared to last year's show which hit 13.3 million when Dirty Richard Desmond’s ‘Asian Sluts’ pay-per-wank porn site transmitter was struck by a divine lightning bolt and all the deviants had to quickly swap channels to glimpse a bit of sexy leg before the erectile effect of their Viagra pills wore off.

Scrunt and Ms. Slagg plan on putting their Glitterball trophy up for auction on the Cash in the Attic penny-pinching sell-any-old-shit programme to raise a few bob to pay for a dirty weekend away together in Blackpool.

Bird flu panned out as more scent than substance a couple of years back, and now the H1N1 swine flu pandemic seems to be going the same way with a marked reduction in daily scaremongering propaganda from the WHO and the NHS since no fucker or their dog – medical professionals included - are queuing up to have the adjuvant-loaded toxic vaccine pumped into a perfectly healthy body.

However, to recoup their losses on the batches of unsold vaccine the giant Pharma’ conglomerates have now coerced the World Health organisation into declaring an outbreak of the latest Biblical plague due to devastate the world’s useless eaters this winter - (no, not the politicians, bankers and inbred mutant royalty – the peasants / Us!) – Mole Flu – a killer virus that has a 90% mortality rate, which devastates the immune system and leaves survivors with tunnel vision.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Solicitor-General ‘Above the Law’

The British Transport Police’s pathetic mandarins have decided - against all sense of ‘What is Right’ – that it’s in their future best interests not to take any actions to prosecute a split-arsed gobshite government minister (read Solicitor-General) who got into a very vocal barney with train passengers after her dog crapped on a railway platform and she refused to clean it up.

This incident now proves beyond all doubt – and yet again - that there’s a law for landless peasant fucks and another for ranking government scumbags who think the sun shines out of their arse – and they can shit on who - or what - they like, and too –when and where – and get clean away with guaranteed impunity.

The shrewish ginger minger MP for Red Bull was filmed on CCTV permitting her dozy dawg to foul the platform at Kings Cross station in October, then launching a caustic finger-jabbing diatribe against a young mother with her child when confronted by her to clean up the pile of steaming canine crap – as per the legal statutes of the country which said battle-axe of a Solicitor-General is supposed not only to enforce but observe and obey herself.

BTP enforcers and a Police Community Support Officer (PCSO) from the Renta-Thug Bullies-for-Hire Agency were summoned after train passengers challenged the 67-years old post-menopausal Solicitor General Vera Baird at London's King's Cross and a row ensued over allowing her incontinent barking machine to crap on the platform, then refusing to remove the fectal mess.

It is a legal offence if an owner does not clean up immediately after their dog has fouled land to which the public has access – specifically parks and ‘railway station platforms’.
A furious row developed which left the youing mother and child in tears and prompted a police investigation into the minister’s disgraceful behaviour - with the incident originally being logged in the police blotter as a ‘crime’.

The fine is usually a £50 fixed penalty notice, but according to official whistleblowing sources Baird took great personal affront at being challenged by the woman and the PCSO, and gave them both a ‘complete mouthful’.
However history shows that it’s always a problem when other people don’t share the same high opinion of, and regard for, the exalted High Panjandrum you promote yourself as being. The Ego surpassing Intellect syndrome has been the downfall of many.

According to the PCSO, when he turned up to deal with the altercation, a by-now furious Solicitor-General Baird made it clear she was ‘above the laws of common peasants’ and shouted at the officer “Don’t you know who I am?”.

Apparently Volatile Vera’s haughty “Don’t you know who I am?” statement met with the PCSO’s reply of “Yeah, you’re the arrogant bitch who’s just let her dog shit all over the station platform and is refusing to clean it up."

When Baird told the PCSO to ‘clean it up himself’ he took note of her personal details and submitted a report suggesting the minister be investigated for the further public order offence of causing ‘harassment, alarm or distress’ – which carries a maximum fine of £1,000.

British Transport Police, who are usually more than ready to intimidate and bully some disabled old age pensioner or vulnerable homeless type who is travelling without a ticket, begging or busking, today informed the Antinomian Gazette that following an investigation a decision was taken by their Freemason bosses not to proceed further as they didn’t want to be in the Attorney-General office’s bad books and cop it in the neck for something down the road.

Mrs. Baird told Fux News "I have received an apology from the BTP to say they were sorry for drawing my attention to the fact my puppy had shit all over their precious station platform and as far as I am concerned the matter is closed. Now eff’ off before I set the dogs on you."

The acid-tongued harridan is no stranger to controversy. Three years ago, as a junior minister, Baird was forced to withdraw highly critical remarks aimed at a judge who she thought had given a lenient sentence to a paedo’ who kidnapped and sexually assaulted a three-year-old girl.
Obviously the back pedal approach doesn’t work when she’s guilty of a public order offence and can use her crooked government connections to squash criminal charges as this case in question demonstrates.

A product of the old ‘Slags-to-Riches’ phenomenon, Baird was born in Oldham’s Slumford Hamlets and went to the local Asbo Central High, where she graduated in ‘Gobbing Off’ and won a Slapper s diploma for ‘Unqualified Arrogance’ at Slagsborough Polytechnic and was awarded the graduating class’s ‘Miss Gorgonella’ rosette.

In May 2009 the Daily Shitraker revealed that Baird had inappropriately attempted to file a claim for £286 of Christmas decorations using her MP expense allowance. Baird has described the dodgy goods as "miscellaneous items", but House of Conmans officials noticed the nature of the items on the receipt and refused to pay.

The light-fingered Baird also cheated on her Additional Costs Allowance ('second homes' allowance) by designating a London flat as her main home while claiming allowances for a four-bedroom property in her constituency as her second home.

Previously known around Whitehall and the House of Conmans respectively as ‘Old Shit for Brains’ and ‘Red Slag’ due her vitriolic temperament, six foot height, ginger minger hair and Bolshie holier-than-every-fucker attitude, the Teesside Labour MP for Red Bull has now been bestowed with the well-deserved and fitting sobriquet of ‘Dogshit Vera’.

Xmas Squirly News Round-Up

Just to prove the fact that Mother Nature is Her own person, has little time for fools and can be a right bitch when so provoked – the Global Warming summit in Copenhagen – assembled by the Zionist cabal controlling the United Nation to ‘carbon tax’ the world’s peasants into extinction - has been blighted with sub-zero freezing temperatures, chill factor winds and several inches of snow.

To emphasise Her point, according to the ‘Gidday Bruce’ column on the Monkey Spanker’s website, summertime Australia has been blessed with Festive Season snow drifts blanketing the desert sand dunes at Wallamaroo.

The Eurostar service running from France to England was suspended indefinitely following several trains malfunctioning and simply refusing to play ball and work, leaving thousands stranded in the Chunnel overnight due electrical faults caused by – believe it or not – unseasonal cold snaps – er – in Winter.

Adding insult to injury regarding the dodgy doctored Anthropogenic Global Warming theory the US weather also refuses to heed the global warming Scare-ocracy’s clarion call and heat up a few drought-inflicting degrees Centigrade.

Winter storms have gripped the Eastern seaboard, dumping 16 inches (40cm) of snow in some areas, snarling up travel and cutting power supplies – with 35 mph (56km/h) winds driving what may be the worst snowstorm to hit since the last one.

The 16 inches of embarrassing white stuff that fell at Reagan National Airport outside Washington was the most ever recorded on a single December day since the release of Al Bore’s Oscar-winning documentary - which came tops on the Hollywood bullshit meter.

Apparently the Eskimo delegation at the Copenhagen junket are still waiting for a reply to their question – when’s it going to get warmer and the Arctic ice cap melt so they can ditch their poxy igloos and get some decent housing at long last.?

So, what’s the comment from the Global Warming guru Al Bore on these snippets of Inconvenient Truth? Nada.

Ah well, the New World Order elitist scum will simply have to bully their carbon exchange ‘cap n trade’ tax agenda through with brute force now the propaganda machine’s gone tits up with the recent damning revelations of Climategate – and a most uncooperative weather system throwing its own spanner into the works.

A petition has been filed with the High Court in London by the ‘Common Purpose’ brainwashing charity’s legal representative, Fellattia van der Gobble, to restrict the movements of Santa Claus around the UK over the Christmas period.

Fellattia heads the Independent Safeguarding Authority and is charged with implementing its newly-introduced Vetting & Banning Scheme which hopes to prohibit raving paedo’s – or other undesirable kiddie-fiddling Catholic priests and dodgy Freemason types - from working with children and vulnerable farm animals.

Fellatia elaborated on the petition’s content to a reporter from the Killjoys Gazette “I mean, just look at this Santa guy – paunchy, unshaved, big red boozer’s nose, double-chinned, grossly overweight - with his arse hanging out of his pants – and children adore sitting on his knee and confiding what they want for Christmas. Who knows what the dirty old sod whispers into their innocent ears?”

“It disturbs me that he spends the whole year at the North Pole shacked up with a small army of elves working for sweatshop minimum wage remuneration. This type of scenario is not healthy and Santa’s far from the ideal role model for anyone to admire or aspire to – especially so impressionable children.”

“Further this asinine practice of encouraging kiddies to leave a glass of sherry and a mince pie by the fireplace for the fat old alcoholic git simply encourages them to start scoffing junk food and go into binge drinking mode at an early age.”

Thieves this week targeted a now-defunct Nazi-run Holohoax theme park in Poland and stole the iconic ‘Welcome to Auschwitz-Birkenau Holiday Camp’ sign from above the front gates.

The wrought iron decorative sign – declaring the typical numpty German credo of ‘Arbeit Macht Frei’ - ‘Work sets you Free’ – was originally believed to have been purlioned to adorn the entrance to a newly-opened branch of Jobcentre Plus in Cracow to cheer up repatriated Polack pikeys and swan roasters laid off in the UK’s festive season ‘Merry Redundancy’ drive.

Poland's chief Rabbi, Shylock Weaselberger, speaking to the media outside his Paranoid Park synagogue, told a reporter from the Gas Oven Gazette he could not imagine who would do such a thing – except disaffected Palestinian militants and Hamas terrorists who want to erect the sign over the Rafah entrance to their Gaza Strip concentration camp.

Rabbi Weaselberger, who is reportedly suffering from terminal halitosis, added "We don't know the identity of the perpetrators for certain but it’s quite obvious the Iranians are behind the theft as they hate our Jewish Democratic freedoms.”

Purging the Free-Thinkers

The dystopic pro-Zionist Anti-Defamation League and their cohorts in AIPAC have launched a vicious new assault on the legions of Alternative News and Truth Movement activist bloggers and members of the anti-NWO global Patriot Community in the form of a novel report that equates skepticism and distrust of government with - quote - “A toxic atmosphere of rage”, which is threatening to boil over and manifest as free-range violence with a capital V. Oh yes, Anarchy with a capital A. Revolution with a capital R.

The tone of the ADL’s hit piece basically implies that these ‘Conspiracy Theorists’ are such a threat to Western Civilisation, Life on Earth and Peace throughout the Galaxy – and specifically the Illuminati’s plans for the New World Order - that they should be ‘removed’ from society, which, ironically, is precisely how Hitler dealt with his political enemies – for a short twelve years.

Hmmm, says he, stepping back for a singular moment and contemplating just that.

Hitler’s Aryan Nazi ‘Thousand Year’ Third Reich lasting a mere twelve – and while his genocidal eugenics programme filled an abundance of mass graves with sub-human foreign types who’d been swimming far too long at the shallow end of the gene pool for his liking, the million or so the Nazi are purported to have ‘exterminated in their so-called ‘Holohoax’ - while simply ‘following orders’ - didn’t put much of a dent in the overall global population they were trying to reduce to pre-Ice Age levels.

So, what odds for the Illuminati’s New World Order (alternatively now commonly titled the ‘Jew World Order’) and their reign of power that intends to reduce the global population from six billion to half a billion and less- through a series of repetitious wars - and bio-plagues disguised as flu viruses – et cetera, et al – and leave their work force of feudal peasant slaves all nicely micro-chipped and subserviently obedient to their Masters commands - Sit, Jump, Fetch, Beg, Roll over, Play dead.

The true significance of this gargantuan hit piece on the patriot movement is the fact that the Royal bloods and military-industrial complex that comprises the world’s shadow government establishments has firmly moved away from portraying them as ignoramuses and firing ridicule in their general direction every time they point out the logical obvious concerning 9/11, dancing Israelis, false flag op’s – and a hole in the Pentagon (where’s the effin’ plane then?).

It is now directly targeting them for elimination – an effective purge of the undesirables – by implying they are inciting hatred and violence and represent an emerging form of domestic terrorism that should therefore be neutralized. Soviet style – mentally disturbed – a danger to themselves and others – confined to the happy home with lots of nice coloured pills and shots of toxic whatever to limit their psychosis.

It worked for Hitler, Stalin – and Mao – and still works in China’s repressive state.

The fact that the global patriot movement has constantly urged unity and discouraged division, while promoting a peaceful message of passivity and non-violence, has infuriated the increasingly incensed establishment because while their credibility has collapsed under the ‘leadership’ of pathetic clowns and morons such as Dubya Bush, Tony Bliar - and now a Kenyan who can’t even produce a genuine US of A birth certificate - the patriotic movement’s has grown in leaps and bounds - and as a result their New World Order agenda has slowed and begun to stall.

Now Abe Poxman’s racist ADL and their cohorts gasp – on the global elitist establishment’s behalf - with a sharp intake of breath - and acknowledge that the grass roots – the common herd – the sheeple – those that lard-arsed Ashkenazi yids like Henry Kissinger – and his ivy-league WASP puppet master Dodgy David Rockefeller - term ‘the world’s useless eaters’ - have duly targeted under the strictures of their genocidal eugenics-fixated depopulation selection policy – now wield the power to stop their elitist’s agenda for a Zionist- headed world government - based in Jerusalem - in its tracks.

This represents a massive sea change and proves the global patriotic movement is expanding at a geometric rate and will, before long, reach a critical mass and produce a chain reaction whose pulsa denura impact shall cause the very skies to tremble.
It further goes to serve as a warning because it is blatantly obvious that the establishment is now committed to taking the patriotic movement down, either by means of character assassination, a patsy set-up - or worse.

Yes, worse – for they’re truly petrified at the sheer numbers of people who are waking up to their litany of lies and tyranny – and stirring in their dissatisfaction.

Oh yes, their analysts have studied and can visualise the implications for freedom if the common herd of humanity used its numerical potential to say “NO MORE’ – FINISH!” to the crooked system and ceases to cooperate with its own enslavement. Ouch! – did I touch on the verboten subjects of Anarchy and Revolution then?

Their days are numbered – and they know it – regardless of the fact they have repealed - with extreme prejudice - the honest concepts of a Montesquieu form of government with separation of powers – Executive, Legislative and Judicial - or any and all concepts of the Four Estates - and further emasculated the Bill of Rights and the Constitution, burdening the World’s nations with anti-terrorist legislation and Big Brother sneak and snitch snoop and spy laws.

A sad fact that they own and control the entire global media, thus their rumours and lies can wang their way around the Earth and back while the truth’s still putting its shoes on – then never gets its honest word in.
Conversely, the truth – either with shoes on – or barefoot - can forever stand the light of day and investigation’s scrutiny - whereas their lies cannot.

Take note of the Ministry of Propaganda and Scaremongering’s H1N1 Sneezy Pig flu pandemic / plague. Toxic adjuvants and preservatives in every syringe full. Baxter Pharma’s ‘special blend – renta-plague – plus nano-bugs and micro-chips – all ready to kill next time around. Locked and loaded for ‘Cytokine Storming’. The Ukraine sprayed with chemtrails then a calamitous outbreak of hemorrhagic pulmonary plague the media pass off as ‘pig flu’.

Sorry boys, we caught on to you quite a while back – long before the Florida vote with Jeb Bush counting sorta looked ‘suspicious’ and we ended up with a moron as Pres’ for eight disastrous years.
Then 9/11 - with a bunch of Afghan-based Muslim cave dwellers bringing the most powerful military machine in history to its knees.

But it all dates back into history. Control of the uneducated superstitious masses via religion – which the elite screwed up through their own greed yet again with nepotism and simony. Cheers to Martin Luther, John Calvin – and Henry VIII.

Jekyll Island and the Fed’. The Peak Oil scam. The fractional reserve banking sham. HAARP- induced hurricanes and earthquakes smiting thine perceived enemies. Made-to-measure Asian tsunamis. Nobel Peace prizes for global warming propaganda scare mongerss, discredited war criminals and Manchurian Candidate Presidential impostors. Life peerages for Shylock banking scum.

Oh my, the Illuminati’s New World Order coffin is now more nails than wood.

But no problems really - history, which they perennially refuse to learn from, is a most elastic piece of kit that has a built-in memory for turning full-circle.

Their little eugenics genocide games will bring the common herd to reach a critical mass, then a catastrophic chain reaction will take place – but unlike the ethnic cleansing of the elite’s Augean stables in 1789 and 1917 this will occur on a global scale – and the NWO puppets and the Ashkennazi Jews running the Zionist apartheid state of Israel, and the rest of the world – media, banks, big pharma, military-industrial complex, crooked shadow governments, plus archaic monarchies well past their use-by dates - will all be called to account for their foul crimes – and a wholesale slaughter ensue that may shock even their gore-thirsty tastes.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Co-op Worker Mistakenly Paid £1.4 Million

A Smegmadale-on-Sea youth who alerted bosses when he was mistakenly paid £1.4 million quid extra on top of his salary has been rewarded with a six pack of Headbanger lager and a bag of pick n mix ‘Dentist’s Delight’ chewy caramels.

Baz Moron, who works at the Co-op supermarket’s distribution centre in Twathead, was alerted to the error in his December salary by a barslut at the Rabid Rat & Parrot pub when he tried to cash his paycheque.

Barmaid Candida Muffrot later told incredulous reporters from the Gift Horse Gazette and the Windfall Weekly “That pillock Bazzer comes in after work fer a pint and sez ’Can yer cash me paycheque?” – like he does every week an’ I goes ter the effin till an’ I looks an’ counts out ‘is usual coupla ‘undred quid then scratches me ‘ead like an’ gets me calculator goin’ an’ sees the till’s gonna be short by £1,399, 800.”

“So I sez ter Bazzer: ‘Ay ‘ave yer got a big pay raise or a bonus or worked a shitload of overtime or summat cos yer only earn £5:70 an hour?”

One unemployed manic depressive bean counter – sitting alone in the pub’s Pariah’s Corner and sipping on half a pint of Speckled Cormorant keg while building up Dutch courage to phone the Samaritans to arrange an assisted suicide pact - offered his expertise in creative accounting.

For the price of another half he postponed his planned auto-de-fe and deduced Moron had been paid £1.4 million for his usual 40 hour week, or £800,000 net after National Insurance and Income Tax deductions – putting him on a par with the Royal Bank of Scumland’s board of directors Christmas bonus payments - earned for making a right pig’s ear of the British economy.

The Co-op’s PR spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gamm informed Pox News "Due to a minor error by our wages department, Barry Moron, a shelf stacker at our Twathead regional distribution depot, received a weekly paycheque of £1.4 million nicker – which after deductions came to around £800,000.”

Mr. Moron, who pursued his vocational training at the Twathead Centre for the Educationally Sub-Normal as a trainee window licker, has worked for the Co-op since attaining his NVQ 1 Advanced Cardboard Box Handling qualification in 2007.

After being informed of his overpayment at the pub, Moron dutifully returned the paycheque to his employer who rewarded him with a free six pack of lager and a bag of caramels.

Co-op manager Frank McGrott told reporters “Bazzer’s a good lad. I gave him a job here cos I knew his father, Baz’ Senior – and young Bazzer’s just like him - an’ all the rest of the Moron family – another right thick cunt.”

Questioned by the media as to why he returned the overpayment and didn’t fly off into the sunset on the first available plane, Bazzer explained “Well, I ‘ad to really cos they said I wouldn’t get me free Christmas cake bonus if I kept the money.”

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

Military Wannabe in Dodgy Medals Scam

Police have now traced the mysterious bat-eared individual who was caught on CCTV cameras displaying a chest-full of military medals he was not entitled to wear during last month’s Armistice Sunday parade in London.

Organisers of the November parade to the City’s Cenotaph told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette they became suspicious of the man's array of seventeen medals, diverse military badges, rosettes, sashes and spurs.

Parade marshals questioned the man about his military service as one medal was for the 1898 Battle of Omdurman in the Sudan which obviously took place long before he was born, along with a Nazi Wehrmacht Iron Cross - with swastikas rampant.

The man then did a runner but was followed and tracked by Ghurkha veterans to Clarence House on Pall Mall, where he was later confronted by police officers - to whom he admitted that he was a complete impostor and currently taking medication as he suffered chronic delusions of grandeur and quite often got carried away with the notion that one day he would be King of England.

The man, known diversely to neighbours as both a ‘lonely old git’ and also ‘a funny twat what talks to plants’ – stated for the record that the medals had actually been given to him by a variety of ranking military figures and foreign Heads of State over the years – and further maintained he was not only a General in the British Army, but also an Air Force Squadron leader and a reserve Admiral in the Royal Navy – adding a humorous emphasis to the comment “They only call it Royal’ cos I’m in it.”

A Met’ police officer informed reporters from the tabloid gutter press that the man, believed to be in his 60’s and a reasonably harmless window-licker, was called Chaz Windsor but liked ‘common peasant’ types to refer to him as ‘Your Highness’ or ‘Prince Charles’.

General Sir Beauford Armitage-Shanks, a member of the National Poppycock Committee, told Fux News “I consider it personally offensive that wannabe’s and impostors can simply turn up at military parades wearing more medals than General Goering, to which they’re not entitled.”

”Here we are gathered to honour the dead of past wars and too our troops who are still fighting for their very lives simply to keep Afghanistan ‘British’ - and this armchair warrior veteran chappie seems to think he can wander around displaying shiny medals like some chav yobette's bling.”

However diligent research undertaken by a team of investigative journalists has uncovered the startling fact that the man in question might well be a member of the Royal Family and a direct relative of Her Majesty the Queen.

Charlie Windsor, aka the Prince of Wales, apparently recently turned 60, an occasion marked not only by getting a free travel pass, but also rising to four-star rank in each of the armed services – his honorary or ceremonial roles of being appointed a general in the Army, admiral in the Navy and air chief marshal in the RAF, further adding to the breast-full of medals he often wears with his various BD/SM fetish and military uniforms.

So, the unwashed ignorant peasantry might ask, what are his collection of thirty-one ‘dodgy’ decorations for?

Unlike his brother Prince Andrew, who actually earned the Battle of Sunninghill Park medal for wounds sustained in combat situations above and beyond the call of duty while fighting a rearguard divorce action against the Royal Lard Arse – the Princess Fergy - Prince Chazzer has never been decorated for active service in any theatre of human conflict – albeit he did once attempt to break up a rather nasty skirmish between a pack of corgi’s bent on ‘having’ a downed cassowary during a weekend Balmoral blood sports shootfest

Instead Chazzer’s honours are made up of awards for serving in a particular time or place, being a member of a high-ranking order or simply freebie gong give-aways from other Third World countries.

Starting with the bar of medals pinned to his left breast, he has the Old Queen's and Faggots Service Order, awarded for hiking through nettles in a kilt; the Gordonstoun Sodomy Achievement medal, awarded in 1959 after failing his 11-plus exam; the Commonwealth Silver Surfer medal, awarded in 1977; the Queen's Golden Goose medal, awarded in 2002; the Baron Rothshite Bum-Kissers Cross, awarded in 2002; the New Zionists False Flag commemorative medal, awarded after 9/11 in 2001, and the Israel First Genocide Star, awarded for supporting the festive season attacks on Gaza last Christmas.

Some, like the coronation and jubilee awards, mark the fact that he was present for these events and ceremonies – even though probably asleep or busy skulking down with MI6 agents and his father - Virus Phil - scheming to have wife, Lady Diana, murdered for shagging Muslim costermongers – so he could marry his childhood sweetheart Gorgonella.

Below the top rack rests the huge sliver star with the cross of St Sodom in the centre, which to the trained Bilderberger or Illuminati eye, shows he is a Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Crotchless Basque. This was awarded in 1958 when he was nominated as the Prince of Wales and became a Freemason (2nd Degree Stretched Sphincter).

Further, Chazzer is prominently the commanding officer of the ‘Queen’s Own Untouchables’ – so-called as they are invariably based in London and several hundred miles from any nasty and dangerous battle front.

Below are listed a portion of the controversial decorations Prince Chazzer was wearing at the November Armistice Sunday parade.

1: Order of the Royal Tosspots
2: The Marmite Gallantry Medal
3: Woolworths New Year Sales Campaign Star
4: Queen's Carnation Milk Award – with bar
5: Synagogue-Openers Endurance Order
6: Duke of Edinburgh Boredom Cross
7: Manky Mossad Genocide Star of David
8: New Zealand Kiwi-Bonkers Rosette
9: Knight of the Sexy Black Garter

Ex-22 SAS trooper turned best-selling pulp fiction author, Ghengis McTwat – who personally won the Victoria Cross for strangling Saddam Hussein’s Pit Bull terrier pack during Operation Desert What the Fuck in 2003, told the media “Don’t talk ter me about Charlie Windsor’s gong collection – he’s got more than old Idi Amin an’ that pillock Emperor Bokasa combined – an’ the most dangerous an’ life-threatening thing he’s ever done is get out of bed in a morning , take a crap and have to wipe his own arse.”

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Boy Scout Founder Had No VBS Clearance

The iconic and stalward founder of the Scouts, Lord Robert Baden-Powell, in his deceased absence, stands accused of perhaps being a ‘dodgy deviant’ who formed an entire Boy Scout movement in 1907 without ever obtaining a ‘Vetting and Barring Scheme’ police clearance to confirm that he was not a raving paedo’ kiddie fiddler - and thus fit to work with children.

Legal beagle litigators bent on profit - along with academic critics of General Baden-Powell’s military actions during the formation of Britain’s Empire foothold in the Dark Continent in the 1890’s - have been quick to establish a wholly homophobic slant to their stricture and point out he was the type of person who preferred the company of other men - and while being married to a ‘female of the species’ - spent all his spare time with ‘boys’.

Baden-Powell, who will forever be associated with the scouting movement which he founded, today – 68 years after his death – stands wrongfully accused of ordering the summary execution for armed revolt - of one Bolshie native tribal chieftain – Cletus O’Dinga Jaffacake - against the orders of his superiors while serving in Africa with the British Army in 1896.

His critics claim B-P even altered official field campaign diary entries to reflect his version of the story - claiming that Chief Jaffacake, the leader of the Bingo-Bongo tribe in Matabeleland - now the People’s Marxist Utopia of Zimbabwe - was captured in battle, rather than surrendering.

However records of the Matabeleland campaign in both the Colonial Office and War Ministry archives reveal that Chief Jaffacake was a blood-thirsty despot of the Bugandan King Mutesa’s ilk who had led an uprising in which more than 300 British settlers were killed simply because they had borrowed a few thousand hectares of the black bloke’s land.

Cletus Jaffacake claimed to have magical powers which protected him from gunfire – powers which were obviously well past their sell-by date when he was put to death by firing squad following his capture.

Confounded in their attempts to besmear and denigrate Baden-Powell’s meritorious character for ordering Jaffacake’s unlawful execution in 1896 and thus failing to win massive financial compensation for their plaintiff Zimbabwe-based Mugabe family clients, the London law firm of Crater-Phuck have now turned to a vengeful campaign of attrition, laying seige to B-P’s memory across the breadth of the tabloid gutter press with accusations he was a very suspect pederast due his personal involvement with the genesis of the Boy Scout movement.

Conversely, critics of the critics have since drawn attention to the fact that the Vetting and Barring Scheme (VBS) - which is still being bureaucratically tailored to suit purpose and scrutinise those working with children on a regular basis – was not around in 1907 when B-P founded the Scouting movement – when, in those halcyon days of yesteryear – things were all done on ‘trust’.

Regardless of the acrid scents of caution and dread now permeating every facet of public life where children’s welfare is concerned no decision has yet been announced as to whether the new statutory ‘Vetting and Barring Scheme’ will be enforced on the Vatican’s ordained sodomite brigade of ‘paedo’ priests’ prior to them getting deployed around British churches and ‘involved’ with choirboys.

Internet rumours that Santa Claus will not be doing his annual Xmas Eve rounds in the UK this year after refusing to have his character scrutinized under the Independent Safeguarding Authority’s new Vetting and Barring Scheme have been blamed on radical Islamic juvenile hackers from the Midlands Muslim community intent on vandalising the core spirit of the festive season for Christian children.

According to one heathen Jolly Jihadi website, the 'Santa’s a Paedo’ rumours were posted because "We hate your Democratic freedoms".

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Was Jesus a British Citizen?

If one is to believe the latest Gospel being proclaimed from on high by Scottish academic and archaeologist Reverend ‘Gorbals Jack’ McTwattie, Jesus Christ came to Britain to further his education and help out his old pikey Uncle - Joseph of Arimathea – with his pioneering tin canning business.

The Rev. McTwattie, founder of the Highland Church of the Sacred Haggis, makes the claim in a new ‘Porridge Wogs Production’ documentary film entitled ‘See You Jesus!’

The film examines the legend of Jesus' supposed visit, which certain religious fanatical cults claim survives in the popular hymn ‘Jerusalem’.

This was originally a poem written by William Blake in 1804 and made famous as a hymn when set to music by early rap composer Hubert Parry in 1916 – dedicated to the 21st Skidrow-on-Sea Cannon Fodder Regiment who had just seen their ranks decimated to zero in the World War One trenches of Flanders.

The Reverend McTwattie, a former otter juggler, emphatically believes it is "plausible" Jesus came to England to study under the Druids - who were the bees-knees of comprehensive education mentors two thousand years ago – until the Romans appeared on the scene and proceeded to bugger up everything they laid their hands on with their misconceived ‘Shock and Awe’ strategy.

Rev. McTwattie is convinced – more so after a few glasses of sherry - that Jesus had "plenty of time" to do the journey from Palestine to England, as little was known about his life before the age of 30 – except for the odd carpentry anecdote - and not much after - apart from getting himself crucified for bad-mouthing the Sanhedrin and Mr. Pilate, the Procurator Fiscal of Judea.

McTwattie maintains the first words of the hymn Jerusalem - "And did those feet – in ancient times – walk upon England’s mountains green" – is not so much a question posed by Blake but a Masonic ciphered declaration that Jesus came to ancient Britain and studied at the Druid’s Stonehenge College of Megalithic Masonry before going on to complete his Messiah’s degree course at Avebury – getting firsts in ‘Forgiveness’ and ‘Turning the Other Cheek’ .

"Coming to England wasn't in fact that hard in the olden days," Reverend McTwattie informed Fr. Guido Phuckarolli, the Vatican’s travel correspondent. “Jesus would have travelled due west from Palestine by boat, then taken a hard right at Gibraltar and headed north until he hit Cornwall – much the same as sneaky Spanish sardine poachers do today.”

Among the places folklore holds that Jesus visited are Penzance, Falmouth and Bodmin in Cornwall – plus Glastonbury in Scumerset - which has a most peculiar legend concerning the trainee Messiah.
According to this legend St Augustine wrote to the Pope to advise he had discovered a church in Glastonbury built by followers of Jesus in the first century AD.

Conversely St Gildas, a 6th Century Welsh Druid who converted to being a Christian cleric as the salary and pension scheme was better, left oxhide records stating the church was built by Jesus himself before he and Joseph of Arimathea flitted off back to Palestine with a shipload of recyclable tin cans in 28 AD.

The buried ruins of the ancient church were excavated by archaeologists last summer who found clear markings engraved on the main foundation stone revealing – in Aramaic – ‘Jesus was here’ – coupled with ‘So was Kilroy’ – and ‘Shergar – que va?’

Aliens Walk Amongst Us (in Bulgaria Anyway)

Aliens from the Planet Nibiru and also the Pliedes, Lyra and Draco star systems have been visiting Earth for Millenniums - what horologists term 'a very long time' - according to Bulgarian scientist Prof. Gregor von Numpty – and what is more “They speak Bulgarian and adore eating Karvama – as they claim it tastes just like human flesh.”

Professor von Numpty, who recently returned to his studies following a lengthy absence due undergoing a rehab’ course for his chronic rhubarb addiction, told reporters from the tabloid gutter press he had been in contact with extraterrestrial life for years and was currently at work deciphering a complex set of symbols sent to him via fax from a giant Draco Reptilian alien subterranean base at Dulce in New Mexico.

A swift sly peek at the symbols prompted one sober journalist from the Abduction Gazette to remark “Fer fuck’s sake – that’s the assembly sheet from an IKEA flatpack wardrobe kit!”
“Are yer tellin’ me that aliens from an advanced civilization that have travelled through hyper-space ter get here in their UFO can’t put an effin’ IKEA wardrobe together?”

However, Dr Lugnuts Fillitup, deputy director of the Space Research Institute of the Bulgarian Academy of Sciences, which has established its new headquarters and observatory above Kostas’ Fish n Chip Shop on Sofia’s Donald Duckoff Strasse, confirmed the authenticity Prof. von Numpty’s research.

Dr Fillitup informed the media “Our centre's diagnostic software terchnicians are, as I speak, busy analysing 150 crop circles from around the world, which we believe could well solve the riddle of the basic ‘building block’ questions of Life itself – the five ‘W’s and the one ‘H’ – and no, the answer is not Wal-Mart.”

"Aliens are currently all around us, and watching our antics the entire time. You cannot see them unless they wish it as they are fourth-dimensional and vibrate at a higher rate than we do"

“We speak to them at night if they come to Kostas’ shop for a kebab supper. We have posed thirty questions for them to answer – then we shall see how smart they really are – if they can pick the winning numbers for next week’s Euro-Millions Lotto and prophesy who will take first place in the Strictly Come Dancing competition and X-Factor finals.”

"They are not hostile towards us, rather, they want to help us but we have not evolved enough in order to achieve perfect clarity of communication with them."
“It is, to use a metaphor, a bit like trying to get sense out of bureaucrats at your local government office. You write them a letter but never get a clear answer back. It is forever the riddle we have to solve for every snippet of information.”