Saturday, 31 January 2009

Chinese PM in UK to Drum up Business

The Chinese prime minister, Who What Wen, has arrived in London on a three-day jaunt to the UK, seeking reassurance that the government will join China's fight against global protectionism.
Mr. Wen fears that the current world-wide recession will see the establishment of restrictions on Chinese import quotas in a bid to protect domestic industries, such as the manufacturing of dim sum, spring rolls, chopsticks, disposable plastic coffins and wheelbarrows.
China, always first to state the bloody obvious, say such restrictions might be damaging to its export trade.

The visit follows an announcement earlier this month by Minister for Coal Sheds, David Millipede, that kissing China’s ass is to be a "major priority" for New Labour politicians in the months ahead.
Talks are expected to focus on the global financial downturn.
Both the UK and China are keen to boost their economic ties with each other and intend to sign a mutual trade accord for supplies of old rope, barbed wire, broken glass and the import of several thousand cockle pickers for the innovative Morecambe Bay job creation scheme.
China has reportedly adopted a fast track training programme to teach the freshly recruited pickers how to swim.

Amnesty International has lodged protests with the UK's Ministry of Cages for signing a controversial deal giving China preferred bidder status in a PFI project to run Britain’s prisons.
Their current track record in China relative to prisoner welfare is judged less than exemplary, with released convicts complaining of missing internal organs.

Mr Wen's European tour has also included visits to Germany, Venezuela, Spain, Paraguay, Brussels and the World Economic Forum in Davos. A side trip to Israel to negotiate a multi-billion shekel contract for the harvesting of transplant organs from the Palestinian casualties in battle-scarred Gaza was successfully concluded on Tuesday.

In a 200-page framework document Mr. Millipede said the UK will be candid and forceful when it disagrees with China, but will build a relationship based on placating China’s grumpy, geriatric ruling mandarins.
He also stressed the importance of trade exchanges and emphasised China's growing role in the international transplant organ industry and practiced expertise in "disappearing" such annoying self-determination groups as Falun Gong.

Mr Who What Wen has so far snubbed France during his European tour, reportedly due their midget president, Nicolas Teakozy, inviting the Dalai Lama and Tibet to join the European Union last December.
China reacted at the time by totally spitting the dummy in a typical display of Sino pique, throwing all their toys out of the diplomatic pram and cancelling a scheduled summit with the EU.

The Free Tibet – or Else! protest group said it was planning a number of demonstrations during the visit and boasted it had already sabotaged the delegation’s Chinese New Year celebration banquet by pissing in the shark’s fin soup.

What Shall We Do With Daft Political Correctness?

The opening words of the age-old children’s nursery rhyme ”What shall we do with the drunken sailor?” have been removed from the lyrics in yet another of the Labour government’s stupid EU-compliance nanny state “Let’s re-write history” projects.

The Bonkers Publishing charity says the re-wording of the rhyme from “drunken sailor” to "depressed pirate" simply confuses matters even more, serving to smear and libel sailors by classing them all as rape and pillage buccaneering types instead of a bunch of seafaring alkies.

Barton McCrunt, MP for Twatford-on-the-Wold and Under-Secretary for Goldfish during Tony Bliar’s reign, was appointed Minister for Nursery Rhymes in Gordon Brown’s 2007 cabinet reshuffle.
At yesterday’s press conference he told the media “It simply wasn’t our original intention to re-write the rhyme in entirety. However, altering a couple of lines such as “Put him in a longboat ‘til he’s sober” didn’t seem to convey the message of the negative effects of underage binge drinking and alcoholism.”
“It was considered to modify this to “Send him to AA meetings til he’s abstemious” and even “Stop his rum ration / Cut his White Lightning quota” but these alterations didn’t seem to relate the point we wish to present to children.”

So, eradicated and gone are the time-tested original lines : "Shave his belly with a rusty razor", "Stick him in a bag and beat him senseless" and "Put him in the brig with the captain's daughter” (a euphemism for a lashing from a cat o' nine tails which was deemed to possess BD/SM connotations).

Now instead the hard-drinking sea shanty has been turned into something gentler, with lyrics such as "Tickle his goolies til he’s giggling, early in the morning,” which have drawn strong criticism from parent concern groups as it is deemed to promote gay behaviour.
Mr. McCrunt countered this by pointing out that seafarers were renown for their perverted “rum, bum and baccy” habits.

The newly added line of “Dose him up on Prozac ‘til he’s smiling” has also drawn harsh condemnation from various concern groups but again these have been dismissed by the nursery rhymes ministry with the argument that 95% of all children are prescribed Prozac by the age of six, so quite understand the inherent connotations for cheering up a grumpy and depressed pirate.

But this asinine literary clash over re-writing is only the latest in a series of disputes over nursery rhymes and fairy tales.

There were complaints in 2006 about pre-school children attending a Smegmadale nursery and being taught "Baa! Baa! Rainbow Sheep" so as not to offend children born with permanent sun tans. This resulted in mass confusion when the same children were confronted with the natural reality that 99% of all sheep are white, 1% black, and an absolute 0% the colours of the rainbow.

Last year, a story based on the Three Little Pigs fairy tale was given a coat of politically correct spin by a government agency's awards panel as the subject matter could offend Muslims.
A digital children’s book, re-telling the classic story, was rejected by judges who warned that "the use of pigs raised not only cultural issues but sexual ones also". This was defined by the actions of the little pig in his house of straw telling the wolf to “Blow me!”

However, a study in 2004 by the EU’s Brussels-based Institute for Wasting Time & Money showed that nursery rhymes exposed children to far more violent incidents than an average evening watching television.
This included Humpty Dumpty's serious head injury and getting his brains scrambled, Miss Muffett being stalked and sexually molested by a spider, and Little Bo Peep suffering an anxiety attack and contemplating suicide after her flock of sheep went missing.

The traditional classic “Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle” rhyme was judged as a wholly hallucinogenic and drug-induced departure from reality and stricken from school bookshelves.
The “Guards changing at Buckingham Palace / Christopher Robin went down on Alice” rhyme was axed due subtle connotations to CR performing cunnilingus on the said Alice.

“Georgie Porgie, Pudding and Pie / Kissed the girls and made them cry” was targeted for elimination due promoting sexual harassment as an acceptable social norm, while “Tom, Tom, the Piper’s son / Fucked a pig and away he ran” was stricken from the approved list for representing acts of bestiality and zoophilia, albeit it being an established children’s and adult karaoke recital favourite.

Conversely the “Old Woman who lived in a shoe and had so many children she didn’t know what to do” rhyme was considered a first-rate educational illustration of the results of teenage pregnancies and a promiscuous sexual lifestyle, and ending up at the bottom end of the social housing scale.

Friday, 30 January 2009

US Envoy meets Binbag Nuttyahoo

Bar-rat O’Barmy’s US envoy to the Middle East, George (call me Fatima) Mitchell, is in historic Judea for a meeting with Binman Nuttyahoo, the leader of Israel's opposition Likit Bully Party.
Mr Nuttyahoo, an ex-foreskin pickler, is the leading Likit candidate to be Israel's next Chief Bully and serial incompetent leader.

US President O’Barmy's new envoy is on a tour of the region, shaking hands and kissing Israeli arses, while pissing on Palestinian and Arab leaders’ feet.
He has said he wants to consolidate the fragile ceasefire agreements arranged last week by Wallace and Gromit to end the senseless Israeli aggression and wholesale slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza.

Mr Mitchell is also scheduled to meet with Issac Warthog, Israel's current ‘Welfare Minister’. (Ed: is this right? – who’s welfare?)
Apparently the US Zionist military-industrial complex barons, after being pinpointed and fingered as the main providers of the high tech armaments used in Israel’s genocide campaign against the Gaza Ghetto Palestinians, want to make sure that this very nasty cat they’ve let out of the bag will shortly be shoved back in : before any nukes start going off – in their hallowed vicinity.

The 97-year old Mitchell, a former cardboard box impersonator, was recently profiled by prestigious GQ magazine and described as being a cosmetic surgeon’s nightmare: with a face resembling a hybrid cross between a camel’s scrotum and a platter of prunes.
Mitchell is considered, by some, to be a superb choice for the position of US Mid-East envoy, defining himself as an Arab-American due his mother, Candeeda al Semtex, being of Lebanese origin.

Mitchell, in his US envoy capacity, has declared that weapons smuggling into Gaza must stop. However, Palestinian Authority leader Mahmoud bin Abscess contradicted this argument with the fact of US weapons were continually being smuggled into Israel. Mitchell countered that US weapons were shipped into Israel legally under their pro-Zion Fair Trade tariff agreement.

On Thursday the United Nations launched an appeal for $613m to help people affected by Israel's three-week military offensive in the Gaza Strip.
This appeal was thrown out in the UK by the Rothschild influenced / Zionist controlled BBC as being partisan and unfair to the Israelis.
The offensive, which ended on 18 January, killed about 1,300 Palestinians, of whom 412 were children; 21,000 homes were destroyed or badly damaged and several thousand garden sheds obliterated.

Thirteen Israelis, all iffy faggot types, received scratches or shit their pants during the three weeks of violence.

In Switzerland, at the Davos World Economic Conference, the conflict between Israel and the Muslim world sparked up afresh.
Turkey's prime minister, Twatlips Er-dogncat, got totally pissed off with Israel's president, Shitbag Peres, during a heated debate on the Gaza Ghetto slaughter.

Peres, a reformed duckfat addict, broke out into a monologue of hysterical squeals as he made an impassioned defence of Israel's actions, jabbing his finger into Mr. Er-dogncat’s chest.
Mr. Er-dogncat responded by stating Peres was a typical Khazar Yid bully whose frenzied diatribe simply served to conceal Israel’s guilt over the Gaza Ghetto atrocities.

After a brief engagement of hair-pulling and scratching, the Turkish PM stuck the head on Peres, booted him squarely in the nuts, then left the conference.

Stop press: Turkish military go to Defcon 1 status in anticipation of Israeli retaliatory attack.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Global Recession Heralds Armageddon

As many as 500 million jobs worldwide could be lost this year due the actions of greedy shitbag bankers and corrupt government officials causing the current global economic crisis, says the UN's Inept Labour Organization (ILO).

The UN agency states that would push up the world's unemployment rate to 72.1% by the end of 2009, compared with 16.0% in 1850, 3.7% in 1491 and only 1.35% during the heyday of the Roman Empire when crucifixion was a major industry.

The fact that unemployment stood at zero per cent during the 5th Century BC was due China building its Great Wall and the rest of the world’s population being browse eaters and enjoying lives of blissful ignorance, shacked up in caves.

By 410 AD the Visigoths had discovered a hundred and one uses for the wheel but not being a society of greedy bastards knew sweet fuck all about fractional reserve banking, financial derivatives, FICO scores or sub-prime loans and thus lived and prospered in a debt-free society.
NB: There is no word for ‘bailiff’ in the early Germanic languages.

The ILO's most optimistic forecast for the close of the first decade of the new Millennium is that 180 million unemployed in the Third World (US / Europe) will despair and commit mass group suicides due the hopelessness of their situations, and thus greatly reduce the unemployment figures.
It says developing countries will suffer most from additional job losses, especially people who have never had a job in the first place and those who don’t even know what a job is.

Speaking to ILO researchers at a JobCentre Plus in Chad, Sayeed al Mange, an unemployed lumberjack who previously worked for a local branch of the defunct Sahara Forest Trading Company, related that the last thing he chopped up was his mother-in-law’s camel, which had died of thirst.

In the Philippines ILO personnel spoke to Ronnie de Guzman who has been unemployed since birth and had only seen people with jobs on a neighbour’s television set. However, not wishing to appear a total dork, he confided that his cousin knew somebody who had once applied for a job (unsuccessfully).

In the UK the deepening recession is going to hit February hard.
While all other months of the year have 30 and 31 days, for 2009 New Labour’s Minister for Bankruptcy, Alistair Starling, (formerly Minister for Train Crashes) has decided cut the February allowance to a mere 28 days.
The cabinet are hoping that consumer confidence can be restored promptly with a reckless display of credit card spending, so the month of March will get its usual annual allotment of 31 days.

RSPCA to Sue Israel on Cruelty Charges

The Gaza Zoo reeks of death after the rabid mad-dog Israeli military decided to shoot everything in Gaza that was considered remotely Palestinian and old enough to bleed : defenceless zoo animals included.

But zookeeper Ali Abu Semtexvest doesn’t appear to react to the stink of rotting carcasses, an exotic blend of animal, vegetable, human, and mineral charnel stenches as he walks around the animals’ enclosures, totting up a list of murdered exotic species for his UN compensation claim.

A month ago, it was attracting families - he says the zoo drew up to a thousand visitors each day - but will hardly achieve that figure anymore with less than a thousand people left with one hoppable leg out of the entire Palestinian population, and the only visible survivors of the zoo slaughter : a colony of very shell-shocked gerbils.

Ali Abu told the media “The Khazar yid bastards shot the monkeys too, even though we have CCTV footage of them dropping their bananas and peanuts and holding up their hands.”
He then points at the huge holes in a slaughtered camel in one of the enclosures. “They used old Humpy for bazooka target practice. Turned her into a Bedouin colander.”

The dismembered body of a thirty foot high giraffe lies hobbled against a zoo boundary wall, with six inch spiked pegs hammered into it’s neck every twelve inches apart, right up to the skull. “They used the giraffe as a ladder and look-out post,” Ali informs us, “Until it keeled over due blood loss. Then they shoved a frag’ grenade up its bum and blew it away.”

It is rumoured that Israeli troops entered the zoo initially to retrieve two Hebrew-speaking parrots from the aviary section, that had been planted there as spies and originally disguised as stool pigeons, but were discovered to have had their tongues cut out.

However, the troops, belonging to the IDF’s Parrot Recovery Paranoia Platoon, claim they got some very funny looks from the hippopotamus enclosure during their extraction manoeuvre and opened fire in self-defence, decimating scores of defenceless small furry mammals and committing a debauched orgy of flamingo buggery in and around the wildfowl ponds.

The big cats’ enclosures came under fire too but a pride of African lions and a gaggle of Smegmadale Razor-Clawed Feral Tomcats leapt over the top of their cages and pursued the fleeing soldiers into the zoo’s rain forest feature, from which only screams and, er, more screams, were heard after.
Ali informed reporters that his average Smegmadale Feral Tomcat weighs about 300kg and can eat its way through several kilos of Israeli troopers in an hour.

The Gaza Zoo was originally opened and funded by Palestinian leader Yessir Marafat’s “Al Fatah Kisses Israel’s Ass Party” and later lauded as a great success, receiving an expanded budget from Hamas’ “Israel Can Kiss Our Spotty Arab Ass Party” once they were elected to office.

“Ah well, at least the animals got one over on our nasty psychopath neighbours,” Ali giggles to himself then explains “The Israeli murderers shot our Patagonian Pot-Bellied Tuskers then barbequed them with white phosphorus, not realising they’re a type of pig. I hope they all get tape worms and Jehovah sends the lot to Hell for breaking their kosher laws.”

The United Nations and other supposedly august bodies of the civilised (sic) world’s human rights defenders and enforcers are currently stricken by a terminal dose of convenient apathy regarding Israel’s war crimes, blatant breaches of the Geneva Convention and genocide attacks on Gaza’s Palestinian civilian population ( with children as the preferred sniper’s target).

However the UK’s RSPCA and the RSPCC have taken up the fallen global banner of moral social conscience and filed preliminary corresponding cases of cruelty to animals and children against the Israeli government at Bow Street Magistrates Court in London.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Curse of the B-liar Resignations Strikes Again

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian B-liar, who was forced to tender his long overdue resignation in December due a lack of support from London Mayor Boris ‘Goldilocks’ Johnson, is to be replaced by his equally inept deputy.

The media’s occult pundits immediately drew attention to what they term the dreaded “B-liar Curse”, due Sir Ian being the second B-liar forced to resign under the New Labour Government’s incompetent watch.

Sir Paul Stephenson, the 98-year-old deputy to Ian B-liar, was chosen ahead of Sir Huge Codpiece, the Chief Constable for the Isle of Dogs, due his previous experience in covering up the erroneous fatal shootings of innocent civilians by the Met’s armed officers and also knowing the full gamut of secret Masonic handshakes.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith made the decision to enforce B-liar’s resignation after numerous complaints and negative clamour from central London council tax payers that they were running out of tradesmen to expedite property repairs, especially electricians, as the Met’s gun-happy plods kept mistaking them for Islamic terrorists and using them for target practice.

Sir Ian originally threatened to quit in October 2008 during a dummy-spitting press conference where he threw all his toys out of the pram and stated Mayor Boris Johnson didn’t like his Israeli brand of ‘shoot first – ask questions later’ terrorist arrest policy.
His tenure, which began in February 2005, had seen a number of controversies, including the fatal shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, who was mistaken for a firing range bull’s-eye while boarding a train at the Northern line's Jolly Jihad Tube Station in 2005.

Stevenson (whose great grand-father invented Rockets) had been the Met’s Deputy Cover-Up Commissioner for four years, and took over as acting commissioner in December when Ian B-liar started his Christmas job as a stand-in Santa Claus at Harrods.

Two other contenders, chief constables Sir Rupert Snott-Knee, of the West Smegmadale force, and Brenda Hulk-Hogan, from Scouseland, had earlier been eliminated from the running as they weren’t considered high enough in the Masonic pecking order.

Leading a staff of more than 50,000 plods and overseeing a £3.5bn budget, Stevenson will be expected to continue the fight against terrorism by teaching the Met’s armed plods how not to mistake Brazilians for Middle Eastern Islamic suicide bombers, and kiss Mayor Boris Johnson’s arse on a regular basis.

In February 2005 Stevenson moved to the Met from his job at Woolworths, to fill Sir Ian B-liar's role when he slithered his way up to the top job.
So far Stevenson’s duties have included making coffee, watering the office plants, ordering pizzas, getting the Boss’s uniform dry cleaned and saying “Yes”.
He was awarded the Royal Policing Medal for Arse-Creeping in May 2000 and received a knighthood in the Queen’s Cover-up Honours List last June.

It is widely rumoured by government insiders that Sir Ian B-liar will join distant cousin Tony and pose as a part-time Middle East peace negotiator, working out a solution of what to do with several hundred thousand Palestinians once Israel has finally bombed and starved them, and their democratically-elected Hamas government, out of Gaza.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Misogynic Musings & Ironies

If a Vagina be the single part of Woman, Splendid and Unique,
What on Earth is this Cunt of which squalid juveniles speak ?
Alas, such Enigmatic Ciphers are beyond the savvy of a minor,
The Cunt is actually the baggage who owns the damn Vagina !
And if bred of Aristocratic Grain, or some abject Proletariat Hussy
All qualify as basic Life Support systems for the Sacred Pussy,
And whatever Posturing assumed, by histrionic Airs and Graces,
Forget this Shrine’s adjacent to where they pass their faeces;
With entreaties for impromptu genital lavage liable to vex
When one straddles thy face to demand her ration of oral sex.

While bolstering vain Mammarial Prestige with silicon implants
Their Inner Psyche desires to be the one who wears the Pants,
But Brassiereal Pyrotechnics simply allow Gravity its full scope,
And flaccid tits drop to dangle, alike those on the gallows’ rope.

In pursuit of their vaunted metamorphic Gender Evolution
They consider the worship of Self and Sappho a viable solution,
Sliding priapic fruits and veggies into their lubricious pudenda,
( Then later liquefy for face masks by processing in the blender.)
Until addicted to dildos teased up their intromitten genitalia,
Now appraising copulation with Men to be a dismal failure;
Proselytes to those vibrant, battery-powered phallic totems
Never to impregnate, due the lack of testicles and scrotums;
Beyond cares of censure for their socio-moral transgressions,
Just Madam and Eve engaging in clandestine erotic sessions.

Yet how can any Female be truly trusted, when in Dilemma lies,
This fact of profuse monthly hemorrhage, from which she never dies;
What Demonic Pact consecrates such sanguine sacrificial oblation,
Apart one of Diabolic Baptism to the Thralls of Satanic Dedication.
And upon reaching her Climateric’s reign, which few Men can e’r abide,
Capricious moods and Schizophrenia beget Ms. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

Though Man truly be Accursed, as a Devotee and a Slave,
From fickle Pubescence, until he’s one foot in the Grave,
To the Worship of that Goddess which lays twix a woman’s thighs,
After his first Carnal Communion, Evangelic Homage never Dies.

Blindgitt to have More Babies

Former Minister for Cats & Dogs, David Blindgett, is to remarry, his secretary (ex-Playmate of the Month / August 1947) Slutsy McGammer informed the media today.
The 91-year-old Labour MP for Sheffield Shitesides will wed Chlamydia Twatrot, a former veterinarian who is currently employed as a research assistant studying rat and mouse diseases at the local sewerage farm since undergoing rehabilitation for her chronic liquorice addiction.

The couple have been in a relationship for almost three weeks and revealed their plans to friends at Dr Twatrot's 30th birthday party last weekend where she announced, after downing several carafes of White Lightning, that she wished to have Blonkett’s babies.

Bunkett was divorced from his last wife, Grendel - with whom he has three dozen assorted mutants - nearly 20 years ago. He said his new marriage would be a “bit of a walk on the wild side.”

Asked about his wedding plans, Blankett said: "Yes, we are looking to the future, but have not yet arranged a date. We’ll get down to some serious dirty sex first then schedule the ‘getting hitched’ bit later.”

"This is, of course, an entirely private and personal event and we would be grateful if our privacy could be respected by everyone, apart from all the newspapers and TV stations who are paying me lots of money to cover the event."

Mr Bonnkett, who went blind after contracting severe bouts of ‘Keyhole Peeper’s Eye’ and ‘Wanker’s Glaucoma’ as a child, served as leader of the Borkum Riff Council before becoming an MP in 1924 and being appointed as Minister of Duckponds in Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald’s first Labour government.

Under PM Tony Bliar’s watch he became Minister for Potted Plants but resigned in December 2004 when it emerged an entry visa for dwarf Peruvian Sequoia belonging to his bit-on-the-side / weekend shagbag, the gutter press publisher Quimberley Quimm, had been fast-tracked by the Potted Plants office and brought into the country without a death watch beetle clearance certificate.

Mr Blindgett soon returned to the cabinet, as Rhubarb & Custard Secretary, but quit again in November 2005, after being accused of breaking the ministerial code of conduct over undeclared earnings from his window cleaning round and flogging copies of the Big Issue on a Westminster street corner for his beer money.

It was at this time Bonkett took the lead in New Labour’s tombola competition to see which minister could get sacked and reinstated the most times before the next election, beating His Regal Excellency, Lord Mandelson of Puffs, to first place by a short head, until the Minister for Sodomy himself got fired yet again and was exiled to Brussels as the UK’s EU Dog Wanking representative.

Further, in a history of stumbling blocks and pitfalls, Mr. Blindgit recently lost out on his audition bid to become the BBC’s new Dr. Who after failing to shut the door of the Tardis and caused a massive tear in the time-space continuum which allowed a huge swarm of flesh-eating helgremites from Dimension X to infest the BBC studios and cause the cancellation of Strictly Come Gardening.

Mr Blankett is rumoured to have fathered several hundred children by a cosmopolitan variety of sluts while divorcee Dr. Twatrot has only three teenage daughters : so far.
Bonnkett jested with reporters “That’s all going to change. Chlamydia wants to have my babies so we’re planning to start our grand honeymoon tour at Viagra Falls.”

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Centenarian Lobster Freed by Popular Vote.

Lawyers for a lobster who waded ashore to celebrate his 140th birthday on Canada's Newfoundland coastline have secured his release from the confines of a tank at a New York restaurant.
Lonnie the giant lobster, weighing 9kg (20lb), was caught by a brain-dead Newfie fisherman as he lay on the pebbled beach enjoying a spot of winter sunshine warming his bottle green shell.

The centennial monster crustacean was bought for $100 by the Scratch Ur Crabs seafood outlet in New York and quickly adopted as its mascot, posing for pictures with restaurant patrons.
However, when 9-year old Slutsy McTwat thought it might be fun to poke Lonnie with a fork he grabbed her submerged wrist in a vice-like claw and dragged her into the tank.
When her squeals alerted restaurant staff and patrons to the situation, Slutsy was hauled out of the tank, albeit minus her left hand.
Hysterical roars of “boil the monster” from the offending brat’s parents were taken up by other diners until police arrived on the scene to quell the disturbance and promptly tasered everyone old enough to scream.

Animal rights group Petal (People for the Ethical Treatment of Aardvarks and Lobsters) got involved with the case and sought the crustacean’s release, commencing a legal battle to secure his freedom.

Ingrid Dingledork of Petal told reporters “We recruited the best pro-bono ambulance chasers and bottom feeders on the New York law list to represent Lonnie’s case.”
“He shouldn’t even be in New York without a passport and visa as he’s a Canuck crustacean."
"Homeland Security and the INS want butt-fucking for that screw-up.”

Lawyers acting on Lonnie’s behalf have also elicited a court ruling that entitles him to half of all monies earned by posing for photographs with restaurant customers, and too those fees paid to Scratch Ur Crabs for press and television interviews and film footage relating to their main attraction.

Petal announced that Lonnie’s earnings, invested wisely, would serve to pay for a prime area of private beach frontage around Kennebunkport, where lobster trapping is banned, so Lonnie can live out his days in peace, enjoying an afternoon nap in the sunshine, or perhaps even dancing a Lobster Quadrille with his lady friends on the moonlit sands.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

UFO Attacks X-Files Wind Farm

Enthusiasts from the UFO organisation 13th Planet are claiming the massive damage to a Smegmashire wind farm turbine was caused by a mystery alien spacecraft from the planet Nibiru.

One of the 300 foot high turbines at Doggers Clough lost a 66 foot (20m) blade and another was badly damaged late on Saturday night.

Local landowner and Tory councillor for the area Narville de Plonk told reporters from the Wind Farm Weekly News "I'd just come out of the pub after a spot of Xmas cheer and was staggering down the lane towards home, as one does, when I stopped for a quick slash and actually saw a series of white and coloured lights - round, coloured pulsing lights that seemed to be hovering. That was just before I fell arse-over-tit into the ditch."

Ego-tricity, which manages the site for the Ministry of Defence's X-Projects division, said while investigations continued they were not ruling anything out - but the extent of damage was "unique" as the central hub of the turbine was splattered with blood and white feathers. At this time they discounted a deliberate act of sabotage by one of the many anti-wind farm militant groups.

Both the Catholic and Protestant churches have been inundated by hysterical calls from Christian fundamentalists, alarmed by the Ego-tricity "blood and white feathers" announcement, questioning whether one of God's Christmas angels might have flown into the turbine by accident.

The turbine is one of 20 at the Doggers Clough site, which has been only been fully operational since April 2008. A section of one broken blade has been recovered from where it plunged through a neighbouring cottage roof and is being examined by a team of unemployed Polish boilermakers.

Local ufologists meeting in the Doggers Arms public house to discuss the incident over Guinness and meat pies told the media they had received many reports of activity in the area and had teams searching for clues.

One theory is that the flying saucer responsible for the damage may have received orders from its mother ship to fire a proton torpedo at the wind turbine blades as they were upsetting the balance of the Earth Mother's Gaia spirit.
This speculation is apparently backed by a graffiti-style message stating such that was spray-painted across the wind farm gates – written entirely in fluent Klingon – and signed by Wort the Merciless.

Conversely the UFO lunatic fringe group Bonkers is making claims that an alien flying saucer hit the wind turbine due the fact the blades are not fitted with hi-viz reflectors or lights, and once their craft is repaired they will return for revenge.

"It's gonna be just like that new fuckin' movie, "The Day the Earth Went Ape-Shit", when all them radioactive titanium cockroaches get loose and eat every fuckin' thing in sight. Blow yer effin' mind, mate," their chief spokesnut, Vinnie Scrunt, informed a group of amused media hacks from the tabloid gutter press.

On a saner note, police are currently examining the corpse of a wayward thirty foot wing-spanned Kierkegaard's Giant Albatross - discovered by octogenarian pensioner Ms. Candida Muffrot while walking her dogs – in a terminal state of mortal disarray in the nearby Knee Trembler Woods, with the leading edge portion of a wind turbine blade embedded in its skull.

Early assessments by forensic experts reveal the dead seabird may possibly have been involved in the previous night's incident.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Zionist lobby.

Israeli-Palestinian Truce More Scent than Substance

Israel has agreed on ‘the principles’ of a ceasefire proposal, raising hopes for the Palestinian militants in Gaza of a chance to fully rearm themselves.
The development came as Israel halted military operations in Gaza for three hours to aid humanitarian efforts.

The conditional three hour truce, which began about 1100 GMT and ended shortly after 1400 GMT, was the first of what an Israeli spokesman said would be a daily ceasefire to allow the Palestinians to "restock with body bags and get medical attention, seek food and water, take a crap in peace, smuggle in more rockets and mortar shells : whatever they need".

News agencies reported that Gaza residents had rushed out into the streets during the lull to stock up on food and weapons, check their Lotto results and visit relatives in the local cemetery.

While Hamas says any ceasefire deal must include an end to Israel's blockade of Gaza, Israel simply wants the Palestinians to bugger off and live elsewhere.
Sabra IDF Colonel Moshe ben Schnozzer told reporters “We legally stole this land off them in 1948, they gave it up and ran away, and now they want it back. Typical of these grasping Arab types, they’re worse than the Jews.””

However, the Israeli military has been called “an evil bunch of bullying cunts” by International aid agencies who have warned of a mounting humanitarian crisis for the 1.5 million Palestinians in Gaza, who are unable to escape to some peaceful and cosy refugee camp in Lebanon or Cyprus because of Israel's blockade.
The Arab League aid agency Islam-a-Spam warned that Israel has incurred the wrath of Allah for their genocidal attacks on Palestinians and will suffer a mass snuffing alike the historical Sennacherib.

Security sources have confirmed that senior Israeli defence officials Amos and Andy Gonad will travel to Cairo on Thursday to discuss kosher ceasefire options with Baron Rothschild and the Thomas Cook Travel agents.

Palestinian Authority leader Mahmoud Al Kaboom is expected in Cairo a day later for talks with Mohammed al Fayed’s representatives to arrange the opening of a corporate account with Harrods of London : Purveyors of fine jams, cold meats, soups and ballistic missiles.

In a statement released on Wednesday, France's President Nicolas Teakozy welcomed "the acceptance by Israel and the Palestinian Authority" of the French-Egyptian ceasefire plan which was drafted on the back of a bus ticket.
Teakozy’s statement however failed to mention Hamas, who are currently the democratically-elected ‘Palestinian Authority’.

Are you or your friends or family in the region affected by the violence? We pay top dollar / cash-in-hand for graphic photos and film footage of Palestinians being blown to pieces by Israeli bombardments.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Rude English Street Names to Go

Pratts District Council wants to clean up its highway designations, hence road and street names with rude connotations could soon be banned around Sussex to avoid "deliberate misinterpretation".

But throughout England streets with names like ‘Grope Lane’, ‘Titty Ho’ and ‘Dog’s Bollocks’ have a rich history.

A report from the Borough’s Department of Idiocy and Council Tax Wastage says ‘aesthetically unsuitable’ names such as Gaswork Road, Tip Street, Coalpit Close and Dogshit Drive should also be avoided, along with any double entendres.

But Barnton Clunt, co-author of ‘Up Yer Jacksy UK’, believes rude-sounding place names have a cultural significance.
The book, along with later publications ‘Up Yer Arse, Britain’ and ‘Up Yer Jacksy, Brussels’, explores the history of such place names including Twatrot in Cuntshire, Itchy Bollocks in Crabsford, Lickme in Dykesdale, Knob-head in Dorkcester and Scratchy Bottom in Fleasborough.

Slag Lane in Haydock, Merseyside, for example, got its name from the six-penny whores which used to characterise the area in the Thatcher government era.
While Juggs Pier, on the Cornish coast, is thought to have derived its name from the women who carried baskets of fish from the trawlers and had massive tits.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Street, famous throughout North Wales as the longest name, is due for replacement too after it was finally discovered that the real translation from Medieval Welsh into English means “The Prince of Wales can stick his head up his Teutonic arse”.
However, with some logic and truth to the matter, one Welsh councillor commented “About time too, the street sign’s longer than the bleedin’ street is.”

Also to be banned in the upcoming cull are names capable of deliberate misinterpretation like Whore Road, Pisspot Avenue and Quare Feller Street.

In 2008 Dick and Virgie Muffitch moved from their bungalow in Cuntsborough, South Yorkshire, after becoming fed up of living in Butt Plug Road.
The family said they had grown tired of groups of youths posing for photographs by a street sign near their front wall with their buttocks bared.
Taxis and delivery men often failed to turn up, as they did not believe the road existed.
Hopefully their move to 4 Cough Drive in Scunthorpe will prove a more amiable location and home.

Five Ways to Slay the Beast of 2009

January kicks off 2009 with a few depressing issues. Remember that clot Gore and the global warming fiasco of last year ? (we’re all gonna sweat to death or drown due the melting icecaps) Remember the savings made by not having to fork out for anti-freeze for the car this winter.
Whoops, engine block and radiator frozen solid. Maybe a cracked cylinder head, definitely a couple of core plugs shoved out. Another unnecessary expense to lay alongside the mortgage you can’t pay since you were made redundant due the quagmire recession.

However, to help lift the gloom, we asked the government’s Ministry of Optimism to contribute some original, simple ideas for combating the slough of depression enveloping the nation and to boost the feel good factor.

"There are plenty of ways to explore the non-material aspects of life," says transvestite New Age guru and philosopher Vernon Dorkmonger, author of the best-selling self-help book ‘Who Give a Flying Fuck’.

"There are just so many concerts that people can go to for free, and lots of Salvation Army soup kitchens have them. At a choral Evensong Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at the back of Tesco’s you’ll get real quality music that might open you up to a new dimension in life: Really.”
“Even if you don’t get a spiritual buzz, then just sit back, shiver, and enjoy the soup.”

“Growin’ thee own food be th’ perfect tonic for kickin’ th’ New Year blues in th’ fuckin’ ‘ead” says celebrity gardener Morton Sodd.
“Just git out there wi’ thee sledge ‘ammer, chisels an’ pick axe an’ try an’ dig an’ ‘ole in th’ back garden in January wi’ all this effin’ frost around. Good all round exercise though.”

“Wot I normally do is stay in bed an’ stick another bun in th’ oven an’ ‘ave a root through me seed catalogues until March, then kick th’ wife’s arse out inter th’ gardens so she can start diggin’ an’ shit.”
“Bein’ self-sufficient an’ all that crap can be fun but with th’ price of seeds and compost bein’ so effin’ high now I usually say fuck it an’ get me fruit an’ veg’ from th’ local car boot. All imported fresh from Poland an’ it cuts out all th’ shaggin’ around with digging an’ bendin’ down an’ wot-ave yer. ”

“Exercise makes you happy”, says celebrity personal trainer Stevie ‘Starman’ Hawkins, who pushes boxing and martial arts exercise regimes from his mobility-friendly wheerchair office.

"My clients come in from the City stressed and angry and down in the dumps because they’ve made a total bollocks of some hedge fund and lost a few billion pounds. But then you get them on the pads and bashing the old bags who do the cleaning and they’re transformed.”

“We’re simply too civilised now, sitting in cars and offices, but fighting is how we survived when we lived in caves. Judging from the current mortgage and housing repossession crises, quite a few are going to be back in that situation before the year’s out.”

“However, boxing and kicking the living shit out of some hapless twat connects to our primeval survival instincts, releasing anxiety and improving fitness. It gets the adrenalin and serotonin pumping even better than a good wank or a nocturnal al fresco dogging session knee trembler, up against an oak tree, standing bollock naked in a bunch of nettles. Christ, do I remember those days.”

The key to injecting some excitement into a gloomy New Year, says Nigerian personality coach N’donga Amin, is to break up the old routines and meet some new people.
A ‘pisspot-luck’ dinner combines both ingredients, without having the credit card bailiffs kicking your door in again.
"Decide on a theme, such as Indian, get a group of homeless people together, or anyone sitting outside Samaritans doing a spot of self-harm with a Stanley knife blade.”
“Hand out simple self-printed invitation cards with your name and address on and everyone has to bring a contribution dish to the meal. You can do the smart-arse bit and order the main Indian course from the take-away a couple of hours before, then empty all the food into your own kitchenware, dump the fast food packs in the neighbour’s trash can and pretend you cooked it all yourself.”
“There’s nothing wrong starting off new relationships with a generous portion of bullshit. You might just get a ‘thank you’ shag out of it.”

“Anyway, your guests turn up. One might bring a starter, one a dessert, one a bottle of full bodied red, or even a bottle of meths: it all adds to the fun.”
“One guest turned up at my buddy’s house with his mates and they’d all brought their own guns, promptly had him bound and gagged, then cleaned the house out and buggered his corgi for good measure.”

Send love through Meditation, or with a note attached to a smart bomb as the Israelis do to the Gaza Palestinians.
Mongoose Annie, head Swami of the Smegmadale Buddhist Centre, heartily recommends learning metta banana meditation as the best way to feel happier in 2009.
“Metta banana means ‘the cultivation of yellow-skinned phallic fruit’ in Pali and there are five stages, each of which lasts about four hours for a beginner, so it quickly gets very boring and lots of novices quit and go down the pub.”

“But it is about helping individuals to cultivate positive emotion. In order to be happy one really needs to have plenty of money, then you don’t have to worry about paying bills or where the next meal’s coming from.”

“Anyway, if you don’t have money, then the next best thing is to focus inward and concentrate on your ‘metta’ energies. If you start to feel a deep, spreading burning sensation against your back, then you are perhaps sat too close to the fireplace.

Feel the metta, or love for yourself, as you stand on your head, naked, and inhale deeply, massaging your lingam a little faster with each breath until you sexperience a heavenly orgasm. Oh, it’s also wise keep your mouth closed at this stage.”
“However, I recommend you do this in the privacy of your own home and not while travelling on public transport.”

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

UK Appeal for Brain Donors ! Que?

Dr. Sigmund Scrunt, Head of Pathology at the NHS-affiliated PFI company Organs-R-Us, says more people need to donate their brains to medical research if cures for diseases like Athlete’s Foot and Galloping Dandruff are to be found.

Dr. Scrunt explained in an interview with Rupert Minge, neurosurgery correspondent for Gardening Weekly, that research is being hampered by a gross shortage of brains and his organisation is urging healthy people as well as those with brain disorders to become donors.

“We don’t really care if the donor is dead or still alive, as long as the brain tissue is fresh,” Dr. Scrunt emphasised. “I’m not concerned if the brain is from a member of Mensa or a primary school dropout lacking the IQ to wipe his, or her, own arse.”
“We had a regular supply of Falun Gong and general prison population criminal brains from China until recently. Very interesting material to study when a brain’s been fuelled on nothing but rice all its life.”
“However, the greedy Chinese black marketeers have upped the ante and our meagre NHS research grants won’t cover the costs. It’s cheaper for us to sign up donors here in the UK now this great recession’s kicked in and everybody’s short of a few bob.”

Organs-R-Us brain donor posters have been appearing in employment centres and welfare offices across the country recently.
Harry Shipman, a community service officer at Smegmadale-on-Sea’s Skidrow Sands Council Estate, has been rounding up volunteer donors for Dr. Scrunt’s company from among the local homeless hardcore rhubarb addicts.

“They be allright, yer know. Ain’t got two braincells ter rub tergether ter start with.
This ‘ere medical research bunch of cunts pay ready cash fer the brains an’ I gets £20 fer bringin’ ‘em round an’ getting’ ‘em ter sign up.”
“But they be okay after like, yer know, as they can still get down ter th’ Jobcentre and th’ DSS office an’ what-‘ave yer to claim their benefits like, an’ all that good shit.”
“In fact there’s two or three of ‘em who seem smarter after ‘avin’ their brains removed. Sez a lot for modern science, don’t it, eh. Bin thinkin’ of ‘avin’ th’ wife done too. She’s bin brain dead fer years anyways an’ twenty quid buys a few pints don’t it like.”

Monday, 5 January 2009

Nigeria’s Black Gold Curse

Attacks on oil industry facilities and kidnappings for ransom of foreign oil workers are frequent in the festering creeks of the Niger Delta, which is home to Africa's biggest oil and gas industry, and 419 e-mail scams.

The Washington Shitraker’s Polly Fellatrix states the bloody obvious when opining that Nigeria's ‘black gold’ has brought wealth to a few but fuels greed and corruption on a grand scale, in keeping with anywhere else in the Third World where oil, or any precious resource, has been found in abundant commercial quantities.

Oil has provided hundreds of billions of dollars in revenue for the government since it was discovered in the Delta region 50 years ago and yet the country boasts some of the poorest communities in West Africa.

Any of the native leaders possessed of a half-arsed schooling from Western missionaries soon observed, studied and copied the treacherous commercial strategies of their Colonial masters.
Following independence and a period of further education in the national military they were then ready to stage their own rebellion and establish themselves as heads of state: until the next plotting officer rank wannabee pulled his military coup.

So, elections are rigged by money and guns, and corruption pervades society from the top down. The President of the day is normally a top-ranking military officer (or their compliant political puppet) whose tribal group got fed up with the sparse left-over crumbs on the bird table and then initiated their own timely revolt.

"The idea that there is a huge pot of black gold out there for the taking has distorted everyone's values," is how N’Dinga McBonga of the International Basket Case Group reckons the situation.
“The poor of the Delta region see fabulous sums of wealth and cannot quite make out how it is accumulated and so no one works in a systematic way towards making money, apart from pulling their 419 e-mail / internet scams.”

Juxtaposed against a backdrop of white marble mansions belonging to oil barons which line the avenues of the capital of Abuja, people have lost track of the connection between effort and reward. Or have they?

The disproportionate mirrored images of the Delta region’s ‘Have’s’ and ‘Have Not’s’ can produce the most unlikely of reflections.
Possessed of Black Africa’s largest, best-equipped and most well-trained military, Nigeria has a long-established and profitable sideline of hiring mercenary troops to the highest bidder to participate in the continent’s myriad enduring conflicts.

This has further evolved into regional military commanders simply ‘doing their own thing’ and turning covert rogue in an endeavour of self-enterprise. Kidnapping Western / foreign oil workers for their insurance-guaranteed ransoms is but a small part of their remunerative commercial ventures.

Pipelines running round the Delta’s coast are expertly tapped to siphon off the oil and their flows of ‘black gold’ diverted to coastal jungle sanctuaries where the stinking lubricious liquid is pumped aboard small tankers or loaded onto cargo vessels anchored outside Lagos in 200 litre drums, which then ends up getting refined in Rotterdam or elsewhere.
The proceeds from the illicit sales move magically into numbered accounts for offshore / foreign investment and to purchase more arms to perpetuate the situation.

It’s quite a sophisticated operation, where up to 200,000 barrels a day are stolen and is the direct cause of oil revenues in the Delta slumping by 30% over the past twelve months.
Western oil companies speak optimistically of the Nigerian army and navy overcoming the problem, ignoring, in grand ostrich fashion, the glaring fact that ‘they’ are the problem.

Contact : If you have information regarding the illegal sale of Nigerian oil, please call Lagos Crime Watch on our 0800-234-9-419-419 toll-free number and leave your e-mail address and bank account details.

Smile, and have a nice day.

BBC acts over Light-Skinned Doll

The BBC is to replace a doll based on the Slutsy Mutsy character from the Topsy-Turvey TV show ‘Up yer Garden Path’ following complaints it is too light-skinned, or as one irate West Indian caller aptly phrased it: ‘Jest too Honky’.

A BBC Openwide spokesman said it had conducted research after getting "an absolute shitpot" of complaints that the doll had lighter skin than the TV character and would now bring out a version with "a darker skin tone", possibly a hearty ‘vomit green’ to match the Hulk’s verdant sun tan.

Michelle McScrunt, spokesmuppet for Taiwan's Ragarse Productions, the company behind the show, said the character had not been "intended to represent a specific race or culture".
"The characters are toys, not representations of people, but it seems some ethnically or racially-challenged prats have got to complain regardless and spoil the fun for everyone else.”

According to the Topsy-Turvey website, Slutsy Mutsy and her companions Jiggly Piggly and Makki Pakki are "generally happy and optimistic characters who do not get into racial issues, take drugs, go to dogging sessions or engage in political or sectarian debates”.

Ms. McScrunt observed that “Nobody seems to have complained that Jiggly Piggly’s skin is blue or that the Wottingers resemble small dog turds dressed in Chinese Mandarin coats and hats.”

However the fact that the Wottingers do wear royal blue Mandarin jackets and their neighbours, the Pontipines, wear bright red Mandarin jackets, has been picked up on by the Office of the Chinese Cultural Attaché who filed a complaint with regulator Comoffit, drawing parallels to the dolls actually portraying political opposition parties and posturing a radical revolutionary rival to the established government of the People’s Republic of China.

Allergy warning : This article was spoofed from the BBC’s Totally Bonkers website and definitely contains traces of nuts.

Litterbug Video Up for Cannes Film Festival Award

People who drop litter in a London borough, or commit unsociable acts, could be filmed by a special council team and face £80 fines or an on-the-spot rogering by their PFI-contracted squads of puffy hi-viz environmental snitches.

Slackney Council now employs 200 brain-dead neo-Nazi environmental enforcement sneaks, each of who is equipped with a shoulder-mounted video camera to record offenders shitting in wastebaskets or on the pavement, pissing through letterboxes or simply dropping unwanted litter. Fines will also be imposed on people not cleaning up heaps of steaming dogshit after their canine pets have downloaded yesterday’s ‘Woofie Chunks’ intake.

Slackney Council says there is simply no excuse for not tossing litter into a bin, even if there isn’t an empty one within lobbing distance.
Fiona Flitchalot Fuckwitte, spokeslag for Slackney Council’s Paranoia Department, said: "We know it's only a small minority of people who drop litter deliberately to piss the council off and these are the people we want to see crucified!”
"With over a thousand bins in Slackney, there's no excuse for not using one, even if they are full and overflowing, or have homeless immigrants camping in them."

The council claims it collected nearly 172,487:065 metric tonnes of rubbish from its streets last year, at a cost of £35 million (£15 million of which was actually spent weighing and advertising the collected garbage effort, with a further £12 million getting misplaced by an Icelandic bank)

However, Slackney Council’s strong-arm tactics have recently come to grief when a team of their ‘Community Service’ renta-plod environmental enforcement Gestapo thugs targeted Mr. Delmar McTwat, an unemployed Battersea pit bull strangler, for purportedly loitering without due care and attention as he waited for the High Street pedestrian crossing lights to change.

The six-handed squad of enforcement officers circled Mr. McTwat, pointing their asinine shoulder cams in his face and prodding him with rolled-up council loitering ordnance notices, oblivious, in classical numpty fashion, to the fact that their bully-boy tactics were being recorded not only on their own cams but also by surrounding CCTV equipment.

When one nasty piece of work from the Renta-Thug Security Agency thought it might be a good idea to give Mr. McTwat an intimidating poke in the ribs with his council-approved Taser to elicit compliant cooperation, the reaction was somewhat more than reckoned for.

In the words of passer-by Gladys Muffitch, “I woz just cumin’ outa th’ chippy wiv me dinner when one of th’ stupid council pricks walloped th’ bloke wiv a Taser in ‘is ribs. Sparks all over th’ effin’ place then th’ bloke went ballistic didn’t ‘e. Blood n guts every fuckin’ where. Lays th’ lot out: Snap, Crackle n Pop, just like th’ breakfast cereal advert.”

Police arrived on the scene in their usual lackadaisical fashion, well after the renta-thug squad had been loaded into ambulances and body bags. Once detectives had reviewed the CCTV footage of the incident they politely released the unconcerned Mr. McTwat with a request he didn’t snuff any more plastic plods.

The following morning this self-same CCTV footage had mysteriously migrated to the global Internet, with special extended versions and Director’s cuts available on YouTube.
Martial arts and boxing commentators opined it was the best unrehearsed fight footage they’d viewed since the King Kong vs Godzilla rematch.

CCTV operators RentaSpy submitted an edited copy of their multi-angled film footage recordings to the Cannes Film Festival review board where it has been placed in the top awards category for an impromptu documentary. Classification: Extreme Violence.

Saturday, 3 January 2009

World’s Tallest Building gets Guinness Record

Throughout recorded history, whenever someone’s won a war or where there's been an economic boom and a brief period of fickle confidence, or a major pick up on a National Lottery roll-over, there have been tall pointless structures erected to mark such events.

The Colossus of Rhodes, the Leaning Thing of Pizza Hut, the Great Pyramid of Giza, Blackpool Tower, Cleopatra’s Needle, the Easter Island heads, the Statue of Liberty, Nelson’s Column, the Great Wall of Bolton: the list goes endlessly on.

"They're desperate acts of optimism in a time of recession. They're a dog wanker's dreams rendered in bits of iron and balks of wood, held together with papier mache and duct tape," says Barkley Numbnuts, the chief structural engineer behind what will soon be unveiled as the daftest, albeit tallest, building in the world.

Mr Numbnuts’ company, Skidmark Giraffe, specialises in ill-conceived lofty buildings. He personally designed and stuck together the 100/1scale model of the ‘Burj’ Dubai (which literally means tall pile of shite in Arabic) from 42 Euro-pallets of u-pvc commercial grade Lego.

The scaffolding used in the construction of the Burj, if laid end to end, would stretch from the Straits of Hormuz, go around the world four times, and end up outside Mrs. McFeeney’s Bakery shop in Oshkosh, Wisconsin.
The sheer amount of scaffolding employed in the construction even surpasses that used in the Irish attempt to scale Everest in 2003, which failed when the mountaineers ran out of cross clamps at 28,000 feet.

However, at an estimated 30,000 feet the Burj Dubai will assume the mantle of the World’s tallest ‘anything’ and simultaneously claim a Guinness record for the loftiest flagpole : 2,700 feet, whose tubular core can be hydraulically extended a further 1,500 feet if any other competitive buildings get close to breaking it’s record height over the next few years.

With the Arabs of the Gulf States not exactly being renown for their construction abilities, apart from cobbling together sandcastles and putting up tents, it is with pride they now boast the Burj’s soaring claim.

But the old and established architectural credo that form must follow function leads one to ponder just what the fuck the designers intend to house at the top end of the Burj: apart from the extendable flagpole. The vista from the top is said be somewhat less that spectacular as the last 300 feet are perpetually engulfed in cloud.

Alike a classical wedding cake its succeeding tiers reduce in size, and while the ground floor might well contain an entire UK bus station, a Tesco Extra and a branch of B & Q, the 2,453rd floor is so narrow and cramped it is already known alternately as the ‘crow’s nest’, the ‘coffin’ and the ‘closet’ and can hardly accommodate its single skeletal Darfurian watchman.

Stop press / Al Jizzero News: Ladbrokes bookies declare the ‘Burj Dubai’ the most likely 2009 target for a Mid’-East terrorist attack or another 9/11 style ‘Let’s turn the building to dust’ DEW experiment.

Friday, 2 January 2009

EU President to Ban Soccer in Europe

The Czech Republic marked the start of its six-month term of the European Union presidency on January 1st 2009 with its deputy Prime Minister in charge of EU affairs, Alexander Armadildo, announcing he intends to enforce a prohibition on professional football throughout the EU member states.

However sports critics across Europe have condemned the proposal, stating it’s an act of spite on Armadildo’s part as the Czech soccer team all have two left feet and never win sweet fuck all unless there’s a Czech referee or linesman on the field.

Candida von Muffitch, official spokeslut for the Brussels-based anti-blood sports agency SoccerBan, who are supporting President Armadildo’s move, told the media “Professional soccer throughout the world has become a joke. The top league players are getting paid more each week than national leaders and corporate CEO’s. More than the Pope in fact.”
“The European teams are targets for money laundering schemes with most of them now owned and controlled by dodgy foreign politicians, oil-rich Arabs, exiled Russian oligarchs with a price on their heads, and their drug-dealing Chechnyan mafia compadres. It’s all got too far out of hand.”

Professor Lionel Crumpledforeskin, Senior Guessologist at London’s prestigious Tavistock Institute for Advanced Mindbending, informed Radio Numbskull’s sports desk “While professional soccer might have proved itself to be an ideal mind control tool for mesmerising the masses into a brain dead state, that’s all it does.”
“Good grief, just look at Smegmadale United’s supporters. They automatically go into a delta brainwave state as soon as a match kicks off. Zombies to a man.”
“We’ve even got fans praying to their idolised premier league players instead of God.”

“To really control the common herd of sheeple needs selective programming, which they can only receive through television as long as we still have to maintain this idiotic charade of democracy and free speech. The sooner a cashless society gets introduced and everyone’s micro-chipped the better, then we’ll be able to fine-tune individual wavelengths to do as they’re told.”

Superintendent Twatcher von Gammer, current head of EuroPlod’s soccer hooliganism task force, opined to EU reporters in Brussels, “It will be good for my officers if there are no more soccer matches to police. Now we can get on with concentrating on the violent antics of the cricket hooligans.”

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Cynics Predict 2009 as Totally Bonkers Year

Cynics worldwide are predicting 2009 will be the barmiest year in recorded history to date, and there may well be some accuracy to their claim as even leaders of the Church of Perpetual Optimism are agreeing with them.

Professor Theobald Headbanger, Senior Cynicist at Princeton’s Institute of Advanced Guesswork, informed the media “A quick glance at the astrological charts for 2009 show some very serious negative alignments. It won’t be so much of Murphy’s Law applying globally, but more at Flanagan’s Precept.”

Asked by reporters to elaborate, Prof. Headbanger explained “Flanagan’s Precept states Murphy was an optimist.”
He went on to proclaim “Chinese New Year on the 26th January sees the end of the Year of the Festering Rat and ushers in the Year of the Spitting Ferret: a wholly malevolent mythical creature whose manifestation is a harbinger of disaster.”

The clots we supposedly vote for to govern us magnanimously are repeatedly proving themselves to be primarily agents of self-interest who eventually rise to achieve their greatest level of incompetence. One ponders what they have in store for the New Year.

A swift eyeball-twisting scan of the online world news for the 1st January indicates that not much is going to change in the immediate future.

Silly season 2009 kicks of with Norway passing legislation to confuse both whores and their clients equally: making it a crime to pay for sex, but not a crime to sell it.
The UK New Year honours list, normally biased and given to political positive discrimination, this year pays tribute to alternative transport by giving a bloke who rides a bike a Knighthood. Another bloke with a great sun tan gets an MBE for driving a car round in circles.
In the US the next president gets ready to assume the mantle of Supreme Leader. A coloured Islamic radical who can’t even prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he’s actually an American citizen.

In the Middle East we have a conundrum to ponder. The Palestinian population are reportedly in dire straights and suffering malnutrition as no food or medical aid is reaching them but seem to maintain an inexhaustible supply of rockets and mortar rounds to fire off into Israel on a daily basis, then whinge like hell when Israel drops bombs on them.

As the world gets both feet firmly mired in the deepening global recession, the Brainiacs in Brussels announce that the EU will stave off the effects of said recession due the fact the populations of member states are free to travel to whichever EU country they desire : to claim unemployment and social security benefits, and sleep rough as homeless itinerants.

The bonny Scots got off to a Merry Madness Highlands Hogmanay celebration by holding their usual al fresco New Year’s Eve Haggis Hunts and street parties in temperatures as low as minus 15 Centigrade, with first malt whiskey icing over in glasses as revellers sang Auld Lang Syne in Edinburgh’s Prince’s Street at midnight.
Hundreds of couples had to be thawed out with steam hoses by emergency services teams this morning after being frozen solid while enjoying a spot of nocturnal Hogmanay dogging in Holyrood Park.

In Glasgow Hector McScrunt, head Jock of the clan McScrunt, was admitted to the Gorbals Park Memorial Hospital in the wee hours and underwent emergency genital surgery after he mistook a feral tomcat for his dropped sporran and attempted to reattach it to his kilt. McScrut, who has a past history of small furry animal and bagpipe abuse, will be interviewed by RSPCA officers later.

To cap it all, in the UK, disaster strikes to the heart and sears sweet memories as everyone recalls their childhood’s favourite shoplifting outlet, Woolworths, now it ceases trading and closes the doors forever, never again to be pillaged by juvenile larcenists.