Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Space Station Bog Standard Regulations

Space - the final frontier - where the petty jealousies of a materialistic corrupt Earth, and other planetary concerns like unpaid mortgages and credit card bills, were left behind.
However, space is no longer the haven of celestial harmony it once was now the shit is about to hit the Cosmic fan.

The International Space Station, previously a place where astronauts would share a campfire, food and facilities, then kiss and cuddle in true male bonding fashion, is said to be embroiled in a Cold War-like Mexican stand-off due asinine political differences between Moscow and Washington DK (District of Kenya).

A Russian cosmonaut has complained he is no longer allowed to piss in the NASA toilet or ride a NASA exercise bike around the space station.

Gennady Vodkalova, 95, told Russia's Derr’mo Gazeta newspaper the lack of sharing was pissing everyone off. The veteran cosmonaut said the problem was due to the ISS becoming a more PFI commercial operation with Earth-based bureaucrats counting the pennies instead of sowing communal good will.

For several years after his first space mission in 1998, Vodkalova and his American colleagues worked in total harmony, he told the newspaper.
But space missions became more commercial in 2003 and Moscow started billing Washington for sending its astronauts into space. Other nations responded in kind.

Colonel Vodkalova told the Derr’mo Gazeta that officials had rejected his request to work out on the NASA exercise bike during their pre-training mission and told him to go and steal one of his own.
Worse than that, they said US and Russian crew members should use their own "national toilets", with the Russian crew being banned from using the luxurious NASA astro-loo and having to shit in a binbag then ditch it out of the airlock into space.

“Have you ever tried to take a dump while you are weightless and floating around? Even if I wear my boots and squat then the turds go drifting off. Imagine the mess to clear up if we go out and get a Vindaloo take-away from the Indian space station the previous night.”

Worse still, the regulations now required US and Russian cosmonauts to eat their own rations, he added. “The Yanks have Big Mac’s with double cheese - and Hershey bars. All we get is bliny, okroshka and pelmeni.

Until now only three astronauts lived on the International Space Station at any one time. But last Saturday a Russian Soyuz rocket blasted off from Kazakhstan to ferry Colonel Vodkalova and two other crew-members to the ISS.

Cosmonaut Vodkalova, the captain of the ship, had to manually dock the vessel at 13:04 GMT after the onboard nuclear reactor went on the blink again, mission control spokesman Valery Fuctifino told Reuters.
"At the last stage of the docking process, the crew had to switch into manual mode, which Colonel Vodkalova is used to doing. This is not unusual for Russian-built spaceship to fuck up," Fuctifino said. "Now everything is fine - until it breaks again."

While doubling the number of crew will allow more scientific research to be carried out, it will also mean there will be less room for visitors – and a queue for potty time.

Among the new crew was US zillionaire space tourist Charlie Simonyi, 60, a Polish virtual plumber (CORGI-registered) who paid $35 million for his 13-day trip, during which he will help erect the Russian's new Galacta-Crapper outside porta-loo, unblock the main bog’s septic tank and check out the double glazing.

Arab Leaders Support Sudan’s Genocidal Dictator

Arab leaders have concluded their annual tea and biscuits summit by showing unified support for Sudanese authoritarian despot Omar al-Basher - who is wanted for war crimes by hypocrites and do-gooders from Western nations.

The Arab League said it rejected the International Criminal Court's decision to issue a warrant for al-Basher’s arrest.

President Basher had earlier spoken at the summit in Qatar, and won strong support from his Syrian counterpart Basher al-Assad. (another ‘al’ and a ‘Basher’)

They were among 17 heads of state in Qatar, but some seats remained empty - the most notable absentee was President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt who aides claim had a dental appointment in Geneva.
However, a correspondent from the Ragheads Gazette claims Mubarak is still ‘pissed off’ with Qatar's pansy stance during the recent Gaza conflict.

The Western gutter press, quick to fed grist into the rumour mill as usual, drew attention to the fact that another Islamic nation conspicuously absent from the summit was Iran – fuelling speculation that they had been barred from attending due their nuclear weapons development research.
(Iran- not being populated by Arabs – alike Norway or Holland -is not a member of the Arab League and hence obviously did not attend)

Meanwhile, the BBC's Chlamydia Twatrot reports that Libyan madman and serial tent-folder Muddled Gaddafi stormed out of the Arab League summit after having his microphone confiscated by security guards for bad-mouthing King Scumbag of Saudi Arabia.

Ms. Twatrot claims that Gaddafi was abusing privilege and using the floor to settle old scores, criticising the Saudi monarch and appearing to reignite a public spat he had at the 2003 summit concerning King Scumbag being granted hereditary grazing rights to the reception area carpets of every hotel in the Middle East.

At Monday's opening session, applying his usual head-banging logic, Gaddafi called the king a Zionist running dog and an American puppet.
However the two leaders met later in the bar for a few cold camel milk shakes during a face to face discussion to bury the hatchet – in each other’s heads. The hatchet was eventually seized by a summit security detail.

At the end of the summit a joint statement by the Arab League said: "We stress our solidarity with Sudan’s President and our rejection of the ICC (International Criminal Court) decision."

Earlier in the day President Basher al-Assad of Syria announced to the summit assembly that those who had "committed massacres and atrocities in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan and Lebanon" should be arrested first” - starting with Binman Nuttyahoo of Israel and the Bush and Bliar administration delinquents such as Bush and Bliar themselves and cohorts including NWO Zionists Donald Bumsfelt, Dirty Dick Cheney and a host of others whose names are entered into Pan-Islam’s Day of Vengeance scroll.

Hector McScrunt of the Atrocities-R-Us website claimed the Sudanese tyrant was flouting an ICC arrest warrant to attend the Arab League summit – and Qatar were obliged to uphold said warrant.

However President Omar al-Basher told the assembly he appreciated their collective support and understanding that a few hundred thousand deaths in Darfur wasn’t really genocide – or significant - as there was nothing to eat or drink in the province anyway and the odd massacre or a spot of ethnic cleansing and population control was what the New World Order mandated.

He further claimed that his troops had been acting out of humanitarian concern, only shooting people who were in agony from starvation, and putting them out of their misery. Al-Basher stated they only bludgeoned refugees to death with rifle butts if ammunition was in short supply.

The combination of decades of drought, desertification, and overpopulation are among the causes of the Darfur conflict. The Baggrat nomads searching for water have to take their livestock further south, to land mainly occupied by Black African farming communities.

The ethnic cleansing towards the non-Arab population by the Janjaweed militia has reportedly reached a death toll between 400,000 to 500,000, while al-Basher’s government has denied this, saying the number of people who are killed in the conflict are less than 10,000 – with the other 490,000 dying of thirst or starvation after their credit cards were cancelled.

The Sudanese government has been accused of suppressing information by jailing and killing witnesses since 2004, and tampering with evidence (such as mass graves) to eliminate their probative value.

In addition, by obstructing and arresting journalists, al-Basher & Co. have been able to obscure much of what has gone on when government troops have held regualr turkey shoots to get rid of refugees, dissidents and other landless peasant fucks.

UN Secretary-General and Zionist Muppet Ban Ki-moon (a non-Arab) initially attended the summit for a free lunch but deferred from performing a citizen’s arrest of al-Basher in the interests of global harmony (and self-preservation).

Monday, 30 March 2009

Myners Appointed Minister for Hypocrisy

Lord Paul Myners, a former NW Rothshite’s junior portfolio gopher, recently appointed as New Labour’s finance minister in charge of the government’s pretend assault on tax havens, has used a three blind mice trust to conceal £250,000 of his own money in an offshore banking shelter.

Details of the secret holding have been obtained by the Daily Shitraker as G20 leaders gather in London pledging to stamp out tax abuses by landless peasants and the unemployed, homeless ex-middle classes.

Myners transferred 500,000 of his own shares in the Happy Hermit privet hedge fund, based in Jersey, into a blind mouse trust when he was bestowed with a life peerage and made a minister last October.

MPs described the holding as “blatant hypocrisy” and said it would undermine the credibility of Gordon Brown’s ‘more scent than substance’ offensive on tax avoidance by the UK’s crooked top commercial earners.

Myners will come under further pressure this week over his role in signing off a £16.9 million golden parachute pension pot for Sir Fred Good-for-Nothing the disgraced former chief executive of Royal Bank of Scumland.
Sir Tom McKilljoy, the former RBS chairman, will hand in a statement to MPs challenging Myners’s dodgy version of events as a ‘crock of shit’, concocted to cover his own arse and shift blame to some poor hapless underling.

Company documents obtained by the Daily Shitraker show Myners held his Happy Hermit shares as recently as last Saturday. He concealed the holding from public scrutiny by placing it in a ministerial blind trust.
Ministers, in typical numpty logic fashion, are not required to disclose publicly the investments transferred to such trusts.

While Myners pledged tough penalties against tax havens last Thursday the dodgy crooked git still owned the shares while overseeing price-sensitive government policy decisions. Did someone just whisper “Insider Trading”?

Morton Barker, the LibDem MP for Old Scrotum, told reporters “Here is a minister calling for greater financial transparency and the end of tax havens while concealing his own tax haven investment. It’s blatant hypocrisy and his name should be written down in the Revenue and Customs naughty book.”

Percy Muff, the Tory chairman of the House of Conmans business and enterprise select committee, called for Myners’ resignation. “It is clear Myners is entangled in tax havens. After his fuck up with the RBS and Fred Good-for-Nothing’s pension he should do the same as disgraced Japanese politicians and committ ritual seppuku with a razor-sharp herring.”

Albermarle Mongoose, Tory Shadow Minister for Potholes, told the media “Myners has just not come clean. The more he is questioned, the more his story unravels as a pack of lies. All too typical of New Labour’s dodgy renta-scandal crew.”

In 2006 Myners backed the £40m acquisition of the Happy Hermit privet hedge fund. He was appointed chairman and had a 5% stake for which he paid next to fuck all in yet another sweetheart deal.
Privet hedge funds operating in Jersey can avoid paying corporate tax on profits and are not required to comply with the tougher regulations of the City of London. They manage (launder) what banking insiders call ‘lots and lots of shifty money’.

Only last month Lord Myners was at the centre of controversy concerning the amount of pension paid to Sir Fred Good-for-Nothing, the former chairman of the Royal Bank of Scumland.
Myners has sworn that he did not approve the details of Sir Fred's ridiculous pension settlement when it was arranged the previous autumn as part of the government's bailout of RBS, pointing out that this was a matter for the Board of the Royal Bank of Scumland.

It was for his part in this fiasco that Myners was labelled by London Lord Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense as "Labour’s Minister for Major Banking Disasters".

Gordon ‘Boring’ Brown's avowed campaign to eliminate offshore tax avoidance was brought into question when the Daily Shitraker article revealed that Lord Myners had been chairman of Aspen Insurance Holdings (a Bermuda-based insurance company) avoiding more than £100 million a year in tax.

The Shitraker went on to report that Myners was still chairman of Happy Hermit, the offshore privet hedge fund based in Jersey of which he still owned 500,000 shares in a blatant breach of trust and disclosure policy.
Besides this, Scruntmore, the fund management company that Lord Myners chaired for 15 years, also ran an Isle of Dogs-based offshore money-laundering business for the Shanghai Green Gang’s illicit pirate DVD interests.

Lord Myners’ extended family were said to be supportive in the exposure of his criminal activities and told reporters they would definitely visit him regularly if he is sent to prison for breaking the 11th Commandment : getting caught.

Myners has four adult daughters from his first marriage, all of whom work in pubic relations as ‘escorts and hostesses’.
Three sons and a spaniel from his second marriage are all gainfully employed as coal heavers and costermongers in the Ukraine.
His third marriage to geneticist Candida Middlesex produced only two children - hermaphrodite amphibian, Blinkie – and a younger sibling, Emu Annie, who flew away shortly after being born.

Expenses Scandal Sweeps Parliament Anew

The New Labour politician with the highest expenses claim of any MP in history has denied he is cheating taxpayers by claiming a second-home allowance while maintaining that his main residences are a single-bedroom schoolhouse and seaside caravan 700 miles from his constituency.

Defiant Left-winger Harold Greedygit told reporters from the Grasping Twats Review “When MPs were given this allowance they were told "Go and spend it, boys" and that is what I have done. It is my right and the whingeing British taxpayer can kiss my fat hairy arse. Anyone saying otherwise is an anti-Semite and a Holohoax denier– so watch out.”

His comments come as the Sunday Shitraker launches a petition to demand a full enquiry into MPs' expenses, to report within three months and NOT after the general election as is currently suggested by Gordon Brown – the prime minister nobody voted for.

Mr Greedygit has claimed every single penny of the maximum £104,701 in House of Conmans expenses in the past five years for his £375,000 property in his Greedford constituency in East London, on the basis that it is his 'second home'.

Astonishingly Greedygit had the barefaced audacity to admit he’s claimed the full second-home allowance since 1990 which means he has pocketed millions of pounds of taxpayers funds: believed to be the largest amount ever claimed by any MP.

Yet he declares on his New Labour website that he and wife Slugsy 'live' in Greedford and 'spend weekends at their static caravan' on Grasping Twat’s Island, an unspoilt stretch of the East Avarice coastline.

Hence if his real main residence is the Greedford house, it means his House of Conmans allowance has funded a holiday home completely unconnected with either his parliamentary or constituency duties.

The couple also own a quaint one-bedroom former schoolhouse in Cuntchester, 20 minutes away, providing them with an ideal 'twin holiday centre' for weekends and summer.

Avarice Island is full of second homes and Mrs Greedygit said there were big advantages to having another home away from her husband's constituency.
'We can claim expenses for being in Cuntchester and no one knows where we are really,' she joked to gobsmacked reporters.

House of Conmans rules for the second-home allowance are very clear: you cannot claim the money for your main home 'where you spend more nights than any other'.
By his own admission, Mr Greedygit spends most nights in London. He would therefore be unable to claim expenses for his Cuntchester home because it has no connection with his political duties, either in his constituency or at Westminster.

Mr Greedygit tops the Conmans expenses league after last week's row over the housing claims of Unemployment Minister Tony McNumpty, a fellow London New Labour sleazbag.
McNumpty was under fresh pressure last night over the £60,000 expenses he claimed for a garden shed at his parents' home at Skidrow-on-Sea - as he registered for the 2009 electoral roll there, even though he now admits he lives permanently in nearby Gluttonsworth with his transvestite partner, Ofsted chief, Feral Beryl McTwat.

While McNumpty denies any wrongdoing, making a false declaration on the electoral roll is a crime with a maximum penalty of £5 or two hours community service in the House of Conmans canteen cleaning up the crumbs and gravy stains left from John Prescott’s lunchtime face-feeding frenzies.

Greedygit is one of three MPs who claim for 'second homes' in London while maintaining other homes by the sea, far from their constituencies – with one blatant Tory example claiming expenses for a second home in Jamaica.

Whatever happened to ‘Pro Bono’? While we don’t expect them to work for nowt - how about fair pay for a fair day’s work – as they expect from the landless peasants they’re supposed to represent – and don’t milk the public coffers dry. Is it any wonder the country’s bankrupt – morally and financially.

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Madonna to Adopt Whole of Darkest Africa

Pop star Madonna has been urged by the ‘Save the Children’ charity not to take their banner too seriously and reconsider her apparent plans to adopt every orphaned child in Africa.

African National Congress officials told reporters that the celebrity super-slapper arrived in Cape Town last week at the start of a drive north to Egypt, criss-crossing the entire continent, and adopting children by the thousands as she goes.

The children will then be shipped by DHL’s ‘package express’ to London and then on to her Wiltshire estate where second-hand battery hen sheds have recently been erected – and fumigated – ready to house the incoming waves of orphans.

The UK-based charity said ideally African orphans should be cared for by their extended family or community – or get recruited into one of the Continent’s many ‘child armies’ - for taking them abroad was "not a solution".

Critics are quick to point out that since Madonna adopted the then 13-month-old David Banda from Malawi in 2006 she has evolved what they term a ‘golliwog fetish’, which is reportedly one reason behind the marriage break up with Guy Twitchie who apparently told her to ’”Stop bringing little darkies home” and if she wanted to foster someone then why not “Adopt a few unemployed hoodies here in the UK.”

Following Madonna’s travelling ‘circus without a tent’ across southern Africa, reporters interviewed Mrs. Gwatcha O’Dinga of 16, Firewood Crescent, Ndola, Zambia, who told them: “Dis stupid blonde slapper she come here an say she give me £20 each for any spare kids I don’t need – so I tells her “Hey honky bitch - you go an fuck a pig!” an she reply ‘Been dere - done dat’ – den throws me de bird – an’ twenty quid – an’ pisses off in de big air-con Chelsea Tractor wid my youngest son – Ringworm Ronnie. Dat’s okay – one less mouth ta feed at Christmas.”

Certain critics have speculated that the super-adoption project is a big personal earner scam as if Madonna does end up with the intended 5,000 adopted children living on her Wiltshire estate then she can claim up to half a million pounds per month in child tax credits.

Save the Children spokesman Dominic Scrunt told the BBC's Adopt-a-Golly programme: "For the most part so-called orphans in African countries tend to have family still available to them, if not actually both parents still living, but whom are quite happy to get shut of their snotty-nosed and AIDS-ridden kids to anyone who offers them a few bob in a stable, negotiable currency such as Tesco discount vouchers or Stainsburys Nectar points.”

African Catholic countries do not, as a rule, approve adoptions for single or divorced people, but ANC officials say that each case is considered not so much on its merits but the size of the ‘facilitation fee’ – or bribe – they pay.

The star also has two biological children – Coco Pops, her son with divorced husband Guy (I’m off down the effin’ pub) Twitchie - and Lourdes, whose father is someone else – often rumoured to be either actor Brad Spitt, celebrity hairdresser Edward Scissorhands or cult movie icon Donnie Darko.

Stabvest Smith ‘Shocked and Livid’ over Porn’ Videos Exposure

New Labour’s scandal-tainted ‘Second Home’ Secretary is to pay back parliamentary allowances claimed for satellite digital television services, reportedly including the pay-per-view charges for a string of pornography class ‘filth’ films.

Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith said she "mistakenly" claimed for the TV package while billing for an internet connection.
The Sunday Shitraker maintains the £600 Virgin Media bill included18-plus rated porn features viewed from last April : specifically "Debbie does Dagenham" and the critically-acclaimed Cannes Film Festival winner - Max Mosley’s five-whore BD/SM “Spankies” movie – the uncut version.

Ms Smith told reporters she was not at any of the various homes she claims expenses for when the films were viewed, sources told the Sunday Shitraker. She lives with her husband Dimwittie at one – or more - of her several addresses.

The Home Secretary, already under investigation by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Bog Standards over her misuse of the second homes allowance, told reporters from the gutter press she would not be resigning and giving up her perks.

The Sunday Shitraker’s political correspondent, Hector McTwat, said Ms Smith was "livid and shocked" when she found out about the porn film charges being made public knowledge and that she’d been caught red-handed once again cheating on her MP expenses.

McTwat further stated Smith was also seriously pissed off with being labelled ‘Minister of Scandals’ by the gutter press and them classing her in the same bent politicians league as Neil ‘The Wheel’ Hamilton, Jeffrey Archer, Derek Conway, Keith Vaz and Lord Peter Mandelslime.

Apparently Smith claims she’d given her husband (who she dubiously claims expenses for as being her parliamentary assistant) a "real ear-bashing" over the porno movie rentals – especially the bestiality genre.
Further, Smith states she’d not been at home when they were viewed – but such a statement issued in the same string as so many previous perjurious deceptions is shrouded by an obvious miasma of disbelief – with reporters stating Smith couldn’t tell the truth even if she didn’t have a lie ready.

The dodgy claim in question was submitted in January as part of Ms Smith's latest list of expenses, the Sunday Shitraker reported.
The films were viewed from April 2008 when Smith took out the Virgin Media deal - with the exclusive Richard Desmond-owned ‘Filth Channels’ option included.

It was also said to incorporate film viewings at £4.75 each – the first of which was ‘Pussy’s Up’.
The press source, regardless of Smith’s denials, maintains the films were viewed at her constituency home in Greeditch, Smegmashire while she was present.

Foreign Secretary David Millipede told the BBC's Andrew ‘Bat Ears’ Marr show : "Jacqui Smith is doing an outstanding job as ‘Second Home’ Secretary and is entitled to watch whatever kinky porno movies she likes.”
"For Christ’s sake, why is the stupid taxpayer complaining – they cost less than a fiver a go – even for the real hard core BD/SM mutant slapper cluster-fuck ones.”

Ms Stabvest said in a statement: "I'm sorry that in claiming for my internet connection I’ve been caught out claiming for a television package alongside it, and I’ve bollocked my husband Dimwittie for watching the Dirty Desmond ‘Wanker’s’ channel and then charging it to my MP’s expenses account by mistake.”
"As soon as the matter was brought to my attention, I took immediate steps to sweep the matter under the rug but some rotten bastard had grassed me up again."
"All money claimed for the television package – and the 285 porno movies viewed - will be paid back in full – once I receive an expenses cheque for my third home and the guard dog’s kennel.”

Ms. Smith has categorically denied her husband’s name is on the national sex offender’s register - and further denied that she personally had appeared in some of the aforementioned porn movies - specifically ‘FemDom Barbie – Stabvest Strapon Queen’.

Saturday, 28 March 2009

Buy to Rent Tenants Suffer Evictions Crisis

Campaigners are urging the government to help protect millions of private tenants facing eviction as their buy-to-rent landlords increasingly fall into arrears.

The Numpty Dumpty Advice Bureau, charities Samaritans and Cardboard Box, and the Chartered Institute of Tortoise Polishers have joined forces to highlight what they say is an escalating problem of Biblical proportions that could well kick-start a long-overdue revolution by the UK’s unemployed landless peasants.

The charities are petitioning for new laws in England and Wales to give tenants more notice when their home is going to be repossessed by money-grasping mortgage firms.

Currently only fourteen days notice is required, leaving many tenants homeless and without a pot to piss in. The government has so far said it will generously increase this notice period to fifteen days as of 6th April - 2010.

In many cases families are given no warning at all, sometimes returning home to find the front door nailed up and their household possessions dumped in the street by heartless ex-KGB Ukranian bailiffs.

A survey carried out by the Cardboard Box homeless charity found that 80% of destitute tenants had been evicted this way.

In one instance a family of six had to spend the night sleeping in a second-hand binbag, before being moved into one New Labour’s Orwellian ‘useless eaters’ detention camps, when their rented home was repossessed while they were out on a group begging expedition.

The campaigning charities estimate that more than 8,000,000 buy-to-let properties could be repossessed in the coming year, with at least 20,000,000 people being made unexpectedly homeless and ending up in Soviet-style forced labour camps.

Private sector tenants have few rights to protect them when their buy-to-let landlords get into trouble, say the charity campaigners.

They further raise the common sense and logical question as to why aren’t the landlords required by law to take out insurance cover to guarantee repayment of their loans and thus protect their tenants’ right of abode.

While mortgage brokers, whether building societies or banks, require the individual home buyer to purchase insurance to cover their loans, why isn’t it required of multiple buy-to-rent property purchasers?

Obviously someone in government – past or present - has not been on the ball in foreseeing this possibility and protecting the common man and his family from such an indignity and destitution.

Les Scrunt of the Numpty Dumpty Advice Bureau told a reporter from the Repossession Weekly that "Tenants who have kept their side of the bargain by paying their rent are being thrown out onto the street because their shitbag landlords have defaulted on the mortgage and don’t have insurance cover to protect their property loans."

Scrunt further commented “In some cases, landlords might be renting out a property that had an owner-occupier mortgage on it, without the lender's knowledge.”
“The buy-to-rent property scheme really caught on with drug dealers wanting a safe long-term ‘launder and stash’ facility for their illegal incomes, so they over-invested in properties, leasing some to tenants and turning the rest into heroin dens, Rub and Tug massage parlours and cheapo knocking shops.”
“When the arse fell out of the property market they’ve moved onto pastures new, like the dodgy carbon credits bourse, to hide their ill-gotten gains.”

Sir Darcy Fuctifino, MP for Borkam Riff and the government’s Minister of Sheds, told reporters he was pushing lenders to consider continuing a tenancy if a landlord got into difficulties, with the tenant paying their rent directly to the lender for the period of the tenancy – before kicking them out onto the streets.

Are you a private tenant facing eviction? Are you a multiple buy-to-let landlord who’s said “Fuck the mortgages”? Do you believe the next ‘Peasant’s Revolt’ is long overdue? Have you ever lived in a one-room cardboard box? Do you have a pot to piss in?

Send us your comments using the form below :

A selection of comments will be published, displaying your name and location to make it easier for your neighbourhood-friendly bailiffs to find you.

Sino Leather Preservative May Cause Leprosy

A judge is expected to order several UK retailers to pay millions of pounds to people who developed leprosy and suffered radiation poisoning rashes and galloping skin rot from faulty leather sofas and fetish sex BD/SM outfits.

The Leprosy Gazette now has evidence that Argrot, Wormsleys and Lesion Land accept liability for the septic scabs outbreak - subject to it being proved that afflictions were caused by the sofas and leather fetish gear and not from camping in nuclear test sites.

The High Street stores, along with scores of others may have to pay what lawyers described as “lots and lots of lovely money” in compensation and legal costs.
They maintain that makes it "the largest ‘class action’ compensation claim ever seen in British Courts
More than five thousand people assert they were affected by the problem - with tens of thousands more suffering burns not yet traced to the affected sofas.

The Strontium 90 style yak leather sofas were manufactured in China and packed with sachets of radioactive waste to kill infestations of yak fleas and MRSA bacteria, and stop them from going mouldy during storage in humid conditions.

Commonly known as ‘depleted strontium’, the toxic, fine white powder is still being used by some manufacturers to protect leather goods like furniture and bondage outfits from mould even though it is known very small amounts can be harmful and cause contaminated people to glow in the dark – then die.

One Scouse customer, Slutsy McTwat, bought a comfy leather ‘Do Me’ bondage seat from Scabsters Fine Furniture last Christmas to enjoy what she described as “a few leg-spreading festive season fireside fucks wiv some of me boyfriends”.

Almost a week later she started to notice a rash developing on her buttocks and upper thighs.
After a couple of days her pubic hair fell out by the roots and the skin started flaking off her buns. She says the irritation was so bad she was using several tubes of Preparation H a day to ease her affliction.

Slutsy was seen by more than a dozen NHS doctors, whom it took over a month to find her medical records and a further two months of tests to decide they didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with her – or what was causing her skin to peel off like Polish wallpaper

Slutsy explained to the hazardous substances correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette that at first she suspected it was simply another nasty dose of the clap she’d picked up off one of her casual shags. “Anyway, when me snatch started glowin’ in the fuckin’ dark I knew summat woz really wrong.”

A Liverpool venereal diseases consultant specialising in ‘galloping cuntrot’ eventually solved the mystery.
After hearing of an increasing number of female patients with similar symptoms, the doctor discovered they had all recently bought new leather furniture or leather BD/SM outfits, which had been preserved with the radioactive chemical in China.

The doctor tested the contents of one of the sofa preservative sachets by moronically dipping his fingers in it then licking them, and recorded a rapid negative dermal reaction when his tongue fell off.

Meanwhile several ambulance-chasing law firms quickly cottoned on to the fact there could be thousands suffering in ignorance of their affliction’s causes and tens of millions of pounds in legal fees and compensation awards to be squeezed out of a class action suit.

They put advertisements in national newspapers, warning people they may have been affected.
"We advertised in eight national newspapers in January, and purely from those we got another 3,500 people coming forward," said Sue Fleecem of Leech, Parasite and Wanker solicitors.

EU Consumer Affairs Commissioner, Candida Bogbrush said: "We are absolutely certain that the minor quantities of the powdered strontium in leather sofas or BD/SM fetish gear could be dangerous. Anyone experiencing massive hair loss, fingernails falling out, skin lesions or profuse haemorrhaging from bodily orifices is advised to contact their nearest funeral director.”

A further warning was issued by the UK’s atomic weapons establishment at Aldermaston yesterday, directed at informed or affected persons rooting around and retrieving the radioactive sachets from their leather furniture, to contact the authority’s mobile disposal teams and not throw into their recycle-friendly wheelie bins.

A class of fourteen year-old schoolchildren from Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High last week reportedly brought a bag of retrieved strontium sachets into their chemistry class and proceeded to microwave them on full power, causing what insurance assessors have described as a ‘three kiloton nuclear explosion’ which devastated the area, leaving a sixty foot deep crater, half a mile across.
The local council authority, while mourning the massive loss of life, say the crater will come in handy as a landfill site.

Rumours that a truckload of the retrieved nuclear weapons-grade powdered strontium preservative sachets have been hijacked by the Islamic fundamentalist Jolly Jihad terrorist organisation are currently being investigated by a team of SuperPlods from New Scotland Yard.

Friday, 27 March 2009

New 'Apprentice' Series Starts on Sky’s Arrogance Channel

That nail-biting seat-edger ‘The Apprentice’ is back on Sky’s ‘Arrogant Twats’ channel with its usual uber-menche over-confident sycophant candidates ready to kiss Alan Sugar’s wrinkly old spotty arse for a shot at the big time.

It's easy to laugh at their wannabe posturing from the comfort of a Jacuzzi while getting ‘massaged’ by your private stable of Thai ladyboy bitches, but can we learn from their brash approach?

"I was born to do great things." Not the words of a modest T E Lawrence, a Lord Peter Scandalson, or a numpty-dumpty George W. Bush - nor those of Attila the Hun or Heston Bluminheck either.
No, this is the gospel according to a 16-year-old wheelbarrow mechanic from Smegmadale : Gilbert McTwat.

A high school dropout with three Asbo’s to his name, he thinks winning is going to be straightforward. "If I just turn up I've won it, simple as that – or I’ll break that cunt Sugar’s fuckin’ legs for ‘im.”

Such diffidence and humility. But it's what viewers have come to expect from the candidates - bravado and swagger, lashings of it, enough to make the viewer want to spew, then stand up and kick the TV screen in.

They don’t even have the grace to blush self-consciously while describing their deluded selves as "outstanding" or "the complete package" – oblivious to the fact they really are complete and utter walking dildoes.
Just take professional perjurers and influence peddlers like Jeffrey Archer or Keith Vaz as prime examples of the self-delusional ‘Special One’ messianic syndrome.

But ignore the strutting and preening, the vanity and unqualified arrogance. Soaring self-belief and bluster are attributes that can get you far in business and beyond, say banking experts and lifestyle gurus. We can actually learn from shitbags and wankers such as Robert Maxwell, Sir Fred Goodwin, Bernie Madoff or Conrad Black.

"Being extremely confident is a key essential in not only succeeding in business, but succeeding in all areas of your life," says Professor Joseph Goebbels, head of the Propaganda Department at Buenos Aires prestigious Uncle Adolph University, and a specialist in controlling mass opinion.

"Anyone wishing to become a totalitarian dictator needs inspire those around them, give them more confidence and drive them on to improve themselves. That can be Reichstag colleagues, SS storm troopers or an entire Wehrmacht military machine."

Confidence in the workplace is absolutely essential, particularly with so much uncertainty during the current recession, says billionairess Sapphie Dildodo, Italian creator of Lezbo Lingerie and co-founder of Strapon International.

Extreme confidence backfires when it becomes arrogance, says Ms Dildodo. "A confident person isn't afraid to make a decision, like grabbing another girl’s buns if they really fancy them, but at the same time will listen and take on board other people's views on such a situation, such as “Hey, you lezbo cunt – that’s my wife!” - whilst an arrogant person will believe they're the only one who could be right – as I am 100% of the time."

But being so confident can easily flip from inspiring to insufferable, and that comes down to integrity more so than a pair of big kahunas. Bravado is hard to stomach when it’s professed by wimps, nerds and numptys, says Professor Goebbels.

If an apprentice candidate claims to be the brainiest person on the planet - as they often do - one’s left wondering what the fuck they’re doing on the show. Shouldn't they be flying around in an executive jet somewhere, guzzling Dom Perignon and scratching their personal portfolios?

So it isn’t wise to claim the carbon credits exchange business is the new religion and you're its ordained Pope, like one of the latest batch of wannabe candidates, Wilf McScrunt - especially not if you're an unemployed traffic warden.

Do you want to sign up as one of Alan Sugar’s apprentices and be his chief gopher? Could you be the next Special One? Does your inflated ego outweigh your limited intellect? Is the word ‘Greed’ included in your personal lifestyle mantra?

Fill in our online questionnaire below and you could be the next CEO of the UK's Big Issue publishing empire.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Dead Girl Given Final Truancy Warning

The grieving parents of a girl who died suddenly have received an education authority letter demanding she improve her school attendance or she would be barred from attending the school prom.

Candida Muffitch, 16, was pronounced DOA at Smegmadale Hospital’s A & E unit three months ago after partying with friends one Saturday night at the local Tit for Twat Club on a mix of anti-freeze and White Lightning chasers, Lambert and Butler cancer sticks, peanut M & M’s and Spam fritters.

Her parents say they were "floored" by the Smegmadale Asbo Central High School letter (where Candida had been studying for her O-level GCSE’s in Advanced Haiku Structures and Volcanology) which threatened to ban Candida from the end of year prom due her continued truancy.

Candida’s mother, Chlamydia, told reporters “If the school’s that bleedin’ keen on me daughter attendin’ the prom I’ll take ‘er bleedin’ urn an’ ashes round for the evenin’ so they can all ‘ave a dance with ‘er remains.”

The school later apologised for the mistake, which they were quick to claim is the fault of education authorities hiring cheap rate illegal immigrant labour from the Balkans who can only speak enough English to find the local DSS office.

An Ofsted spokeslut said Crapita computer software SLIMES (Slippery Information Management Error Systems) maintained Candida's details.
"Candida's name should have been taken off the school roll when she died, and removed from the main school database," the spokeslut added.

"However, unknown to the school, her details had remained on the computer system due Crapita’s shithouse software system being useless and were called up when the school did a mail merge letter to the parents of all Year 12 students about their forthcoming prom.

Costas Fuctifino, Albanian managing director of Crapita’s SLIMES (Children's Services) said changes would be made to the firm's software to try and ensure the mistake was not repeated – too often.
"When a child is no longer attending a school, for whatever reason, the software will allow the school to continue to produce letters to their parents as occasionally it is necessary to do so and demand they pay the school fees or we will send around a bailiff to break their legs. Merry Christmas and have a good day.”

New Labour’s Schools’ Secretary Ed Balls admitted to reporters “It’s an utter Ed Balls-up. Crapita’s schools software system’s a pile of crapita.”

China Declares War on YouTube, Pentagon & Gerbils

China claims YouTube video footage that purportedly shows Chinese security personnel violently beating Tibetans for fun in Lhasa last week is "a whopping big stinking Western capitalist running dog lie” and have blocked access to its website across the entire Middle Kingdom.

The video apparently shows supermarket shoppers being beaten with rifle butts and pickaxe handles, then kicked and garrotted by China's consumer-friendly security forces.

The Tibetan government-in-exile claim the footage shows China's "brutality" towards the conquered people but Chinese officials say the images and voices in the video have been pieced together with clips from the Simpsons, BBC’s Teletubbies, and Wallace and Gromit cartoon footage.

But Tetanus Sandwichpack, the Dalai Lama's representative, said the footage clearly showed Chinese police arresting and beating shoppers after they complained about the fact the supermarket shelves and fridges were empty, apart from frozen gerbils.

"The footage clearly shows the beating of Tibetan captives even after they are handcuffed and tied," said the representative.

One Tibetan, Tentpeg Crackerbarrel, was on his way to a Falun Gong class when he was beaten while trying to stop Chinese police officers setting fire to a group of Buddhist monks.
He was later discovered partially dead in a rubbish skip with both kidneys and his liver missing, which the police blamed on local Lhasa vampire activity.

In a further outburst over smarting sensibilities this week, Beijing has reacted angrily to a recent Pentagon report on China's burgeoning military, which claimed it was altering the strategic balance of power in Asia : in gross contrast to the US’s Zionist neo-colonial misadventures to achieve military hegemony in the Middle East and Afghanistan, and entire East-Asian Pacific region.

In its annual report to Congress, the Pentagon complained China’s military machine was bigger than the US’s - with them having a strategically-focused and nuclear-backed standing army in excess of five million strong – two million not-so strong – and half a million whimps : compared to the US / Coalition’s regional force of knackered Gulf War Syndrome-afflicted deadbeats and PFI / Blackwater guns-for-hire psychopaths.

Displaying a fit of pique at the negative press reports concerning their illegal occupation of Tibet and video-recorded human rights crimes broadcast globally, coupled with the Pentagon’s anti-Sino ‘Cold War thinking’ report, the Beijing government spit the dummy, with Premier Jabba Who Wat Wen lashing out blindly by declaring open warfare on the gerbil population of Wankin Province : ordering the spreading hundreds of kilos of grain bait laced with contraceptive pills to bring about a genocide event to decimate the rodent’s swelling ranks.

Forestry officials are leaving pills, disguised as bran feed, by the gerbils' burrows to try to cut back the rodent population’s continuing geometric-rate expansion.
The gerbils, officials say, are threatening the fragile desert ecosystem in the vast Wankin region by eating the roots of the opium poppies from inside their burrows.

Trapping the rodents as a food source had proved only a partial success as the indigenous peasants claim the gerbils taste like shit – even when curried.

Double-Whammy Atom Bomb Survivor Gets Award

Japanese Centenarian Turbo Tamagotchi, 128, has been presented, belatedly, with the government’s coveted ‘Hibakusha’ or ‘Jammy Bastard’ award for surviving both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki nuclear bomb attacks by the United States’ ‘hearts & minds’ military in WW2.

Tamagotchi, a former asbestos fire blanket salesman, was in Hiroshima on a business trip on the 6th August 1945 when a US B52 bomber dropped the first atomic weapon.

Interviewed by the Gardening Weekly’s ‘victims of warfare’ correspondent on receipt of his award Tamagotchi related “There I was, enjoyin’ fishheads and rice for me breakfast when ‘Ka-boom!’ a bloody great flash and bang and the boardin' house disappeared – along with the rest of the fuckin’ city.”

“Luckily for me I’d read me horoscope for the 6th the previous evening which said ‘wear something fireproof’. So with the Yanks thermite bombin’ every bugger and their dog all day and night I decided to get kitted out in a pair of me sample pack asbestos overalls – just to be on the safe side.”

“Obviously I had to cancel me Hiroshima sales appointment and buggered off back home to Nagasaki. The asbestos suit was really comfy and warm – better than me pyjamas – so I kept it on, hood up too.”
“A couple of days later, I’m sat having me breakfast – fishheads and Weetabix this time – when ‘Ka-boom!’ – the arsehole Yanks drop another nuke – blow me fuckin’ bungalow all to shit and flatten the entire city as well.”

“So, there I am, surrounded by smouldering furniture, covered in soot, nowhere to live – nowhere to work – the local Jobcentre’s a pile of rubble. If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any.”
“However, by this time I’m startin’ to get a bit paranoid and developin’ some very anti-American sentiments. I’m thinkin’ “Are the Yanks after me personally – or just intent on flattenin' the whole of Japan?”

“So, I buggers off to Kyoto, to me Granny’s place – still wearin’ the asbestos suit to be on the safe side just in case the Yanks drop another nuke.”
“Next thing we know the Emperor’s surrendered, the war’s over, MacArthur’s the new Prime Minister and women get the vote.”

Asked if he returned to his old job as a salesman Tamagotchi replied “Naw, I started glowin’ in the dark every night after the Nagasaki blast so I got a job in a travelling carnival as the Human Firefly.”

Certification as a ‘Hibakusha’ atomic bomb attack survivor qualifies Japanese citizens for government compensation, including medical check-ups, a free wig, and funeral costs (burial in a lead coffin).
In Mr. Tamagotchi’s case, being a ‘Twice in One Week Lucky Git’ survivor, this will be a double indemnity award – backdated to 1945. God bless America.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Millipede Spits Dummy Over Windfarm Protests

Climate Change Minister Edwina Millipede yesterday castigated New Age and environment critics for their protests over the siting of a proposed wind farm at Stonehenge, calling them all a bunch of unemployed landless peasant fucks.

Millipede totally lost it, spit the proverbial dummy and threw all his toys out of the pram during a foot-stamping tantrum which resembled an epileptic seizure, with foaming saliva flying everywhere as he ranted and raved - bug eyes almost popping out of his pointy little head.

“How dare you working class scumbags disagree with my bright ideas – or the government!”
“We’ve got all your smarmy git faces on CCTV footage and Mrs. Smith will have your names and addresses written down somewhere too!”
“Just wait til Homeland Security come round and kick your door down in the middle of the night then cart you all off to one of Common Purpose’s nasty concentration camps!”

Edwina is the twin brother of the celebrated diplomatic faux pas specialist, Foreign Secretary, David Millipede who recently prompted India to pronounce him persona non grata after he presumed to tell top politicians how to run their country and recommended they declare war on neighbouring Pakistan to settle the Kashmir issue.

The twins, now an established New Labour stand up comedy double act, were born conjouned at the hydolephacutus and not seperated until after they graduated from Rotting Corpus College, Oxford.

Edwina, the cross-dressing twin, is currently Labour MP for Wind-in-the-Willows and was appointed to the cabinet as climate change secretary by Gordon Brown in October 2008 as a reward for giving twin David a good slapping for challenging Brown’s position in a bid to gain the party leadership.

In a speech that infuriated rural campaigners, Millipede said the Government should be tougher in pushing through controversial wind turbine schemes.
He further lectured the protesters, saying that opposing wind farms is as 'socially unacceptable' as nose picking, peeing in the jaccuzi or dropping gnarly farts on the bus.”

His comments were made at the screening of a new film, The Age of Stupid, which warns of the future negative effects of permitting any further misgovernance by New Labour’s self-seeking incompetent politicians.
The ironic and nihilistic message of the film is to demand a snap election tomorrow, oust Labour from power and let the Tories totally screw up the country beyond the point of no-return.

Millipede, speaking at a press conference following the film’s screening, and obviously distraught by its evident implications, lost his proverbial rag when environmentalists said the massive expansion of onshore wind farms was threatening some of Britain's best-loved countryside and called for a halt to the Wiltshire Stongehenge wind farm project.

Millipede enraged protesters from Druids-R-Us by commenting that Stonehenge was just a pile of tumbling old rocks, then caused further ire among the ranks of the RSPB who say the siting of the wind farm will devastate the nesting grounds of the already-threatened species of lesser spotted cormorants and greater crested killiwacky birds.

Millipede’s moronic answer to this dilemma was “Well, they’ll just have to flutter off and lay their fucking eggs somewhere else, won’t they !”

Millipede informed the assembly that 7,000 new wind turbines have been planned for the UK over the next year to meet critical EU targets on greenhouse gas emissions.
More than half are expected to be built onshore and, because turbines are most efficient on high land, many are being proposed for unspoilt natural beauty areas such as mountains, moors and hillsides.

The global warming deniers lobby, while wholly agreeing with the climate change factor, contested the faulty science that claims global warming is caused by human activity and the emission of greenhouse gases, arguing that the climate change phenomena is due to obscure long-term variations in solar activity.

Once again Millipede displayed his pathetic lack of tact, diplomatic skills and a moron’s level of elementary science knowledge by responding in hysterical soprano fashion, screeching “The Sun ? – for Christ’s sake it’s millions of bloody miles away – how’s that going to cause global warming when we hardly ever see the bloody thing in the UK anyway ?”

Do you have a wind farm in your back garden? What shoe size is your carbon footprint? Do you believe anything the government says? Have you ever been diagnosed as being terminally gullible?

Enter our online global warming quiz and you could win hundreds of carbon credit points to pay for your next holiday at one of the UK’s greenhouse-friendly recycling plants or a fortnight in a rural setting, up to your knees in shit counting cow farts.

Rothshites Dominate Asian Carbon Credit Trading Market

Rothshite Gidday Inc. (Australia) and E3 International (E3 – ‘Environment, Economics and Ethics’ – er ‘Ethics’ – in the same breath - is somebody taking the piss?) are set to become key controllers in the international carbon credit trading market, an emerging commodity gambling bourse that nobody but it’s greedy creators understand, but which gyppo pikey astrologers estimate could be worth a US$750 billion annual turnover by 2012.

In a move that will re-shape the fledgling nasty toxic emissions trading market, Rothshite Gidday and E3 International have announced their intention to launch the Carbon Sting Consortium – yet another dodgy investment vehicle that will replace the burned-out sub-prime mortgage markets and provide myopic companies in the Asia Pacific region with a brand-spanking new innovative way of losing all their money while scratching their heads and learning about the risks of investing in the ‘Al Gore-inspired’ global warming scam’s bullshit carbon credits exchange market.

Currently there are five exchanges trading in carbon allowances: the Chattanooga Choo-Choo Climate Exchange, the Exocet Climate Exchange, the Pol Pot Pool, Power-Bonk and the Manky Mallard Energy Exchange.

However the Carbon Sting Consortium is the first of its kind in the Asia-Pacific Region, and is the pioneer in a series of dodgy investment vehicles that Carbon Sting Pty Ltd will launch in coming years to milk investors dry as long as the money keeps flowing into the scheme and doesn’t go tits up too soon.

The Consortium should appeal to companies that are faced with a greenhouse liability and are significant users or producers of anything emitting the toxic gases that currently make the world go round : from firewood to power stations to crude oil to cow’s arseholes.

The entire carbon trading market is a jealously guarded preserve, cloaked in purpose-built banking and environmentalist jargon such as Kyoto Protocols, Marrakesh Accords, acid rain programs, flexible mechanisms, carbon footprints, emission allowances, clean development instruments and certified emission reductions.

Hence, for benefit of the thick-as-a-plank numpty-dumpty layman, the following explanation of “what der fuck’s a carbon credit?” and the marketing investment strategy involved might be required.

Someone like Tahiti, who produce sweet fuck all but coconuts, breadfruit and postcards would have a surplus of carbon credits, which they can sell, or trade, to a heavy industry polluter like North Korea, so they can keep on conducting nuclear weapons tests and pumping out mega-tons of nauseous carcinogenic toxic fumes into the atmosphere without breaking their industrial advancement in mid-stride.

(China, currently the world’s worst industrial polluter, has told the United Nations carbon assessment agency to ‘go fuck spiders’ and have wisely refused to waste precious money by participating in the pointless exercise.)

Thus the Rothshite / E3 Carbon Sting cabal intends to go around farting little postage stamp non-industrial nations who are awarded mobs of carbon credits, buying these up at ten to the dozen in lieu of dubious future mega-bucks investments then selling them on for major profits to the industrial polluters of the world.

Requiring an initial investment of US$100,000.000 just to join the Zionist-Masonic-controlled ‘Greenies’ club, of which a portion will be returned to investors in the form of environmentally-friendly hedgerow cuttings (hedge fund) and dried seaweed semi-organic compost (Monsanto-FDA approved), Carbon Sting is designed to become the latest and greatest money-grabbing scheme in the Asia-Pacific’s devastated derivatives market.

About Rothshite

Rothshite & Sons (Banksters) has been at the centre of manipulating the world’s financial markets, inciting pogroms and causing wars for over 250 years. Today, the firm is the biggest global loan shark who owns the City of London, Israel and controls governments, corporations and individuals worldwide through a network of no-nonsense door-kicking bailiffs and professional assassins.

About E3

The E3 Group is a Wallace & Gromit designed investment vehicle / asset-free fall-guy organisation set up to take the wrap when the Carbon Sting project falls on its arse and is declared insolvent.
The principal operating company in the group is E3 (Golden Parachutes) Galactic Pty Ltd. SA, which has its registered headquarters on the Moon.

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Millions of Brit’s get Terror Training

Millions of UK workers are being trained to help respond to future terror attacks as part of an updated counter-terrorist strategy, a government spokesman informed the propaganda media this afternoon.

‘Second Home’ Secretary Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith later added that shop and hotel workers would be among 10,000,000 people being trained to deal with a terrorist incident such as disarming a nuclear weapon or leading a first strike SWAT team into action.

The updated approach, aimed at demonising Islam and Middle-Eastern types even further as the singular sources of violent extremism in the known Universe, would be the most comprehensive in the world, Smith informed gutter press hacks; turning every man, woman and child into an assault rifle-wielding front line soldier – as per the brainwashed Israeli model citizen type.

The MI5 / Fabian Society-inspired counter-terrorism document – recently composed by a covert team of Common Purpose’s best fairy tale writers and the pro-Zionist Tavistock Institute’s black propaganda division for the Home Office will revitalise the stale and hackneyed intelligence opinion that the biggest threat to Western civilisation comes from non-existent al-Qaeda-linked groups of Jolly Jihad Muslim fanatics living in caves around Yorkshire and following the orders of leaders who have been dead for years.

The report also takes into account the recent slapdash and blatantly-obvious false flag terrorist attacks on hotels in the Indian city of Mumbai, carried out by the usual suspects (Mossad & Co.) but blamed on Pakistani-based militant groups to stir up further animosity between India and it’s Islamic neighbour.

The ‘Second Home’ Secretary told BBC One's “You’ll Never Believe Them” slimy politician’s interview programme : "What we need to do alongside the ten million people that Common Purpose are now training up to respond to a terrorist threat, in everywhere from Poundstretcher stores to our Bargain Booze outlets, is to recruit and train the nation’s schoolchildren to be the security service’s eyes and ears on the ground also.”

“If their dodgy immigrant neighbours spend too much time in their garden sheds or down at the local mosque then it’s a child’s duty as a UK citizen to grass these people up to their local Gestapo officer – er – Community Enforcement officer.”

"We need to do it alongside the 3,000,000 plastic plods now working as counter-terrorism spies and we need to do it with the neighbourhood kids involved.
It can be a fun thing for them, form their own junior Stasi groups and – ‘Grass up Granny’ – or their parents – for any dodgy political views expressed at home they have that might be construed as terrorist-orientated.”

The updated strategy will increase the focus on challenging any and all individuals and groups who undermine the UK's ‘shared EU values’ - even if they are not breaking the law.
This would automatically include anyone from the country’s burgeoning ranks of the unemployed who dared go into a branch of Jobcentreplus and demand a ’job’ or write to their MP complaining about ‘anything’ – from crap council services to dogshit around the park or potholes in the road.

Gordon Brown, the prime minister nobody voted for, told the media hundreds of thousands of numpty civilians had already undergone NLP brainwashing and training by Common Purpose’s para-military units in how to look out for suspicious behaviour in crowded places, such as shoplifting, paying a bill in cash, wearing a hoodie, carrying a locked and loaded AK47 or struggling to remove the pin from a fragmentation grenade – or - simply being a sun-tanned Latino electrician wearing a back pack and boarding the tube train as if they meant to actually go somewhere.

Brown further stated "There are thousands of people in the public sector who have the necessary knowledge and skills to combat terrorist threats – such as plumbers, girl guides, newspaper boys, Big Issue sellers and Lollipop ladies.
We want them all on New Labour’s side in the fight against anyone who disagrees with our policies."

Conversely Tory shadow home secretary Wentworth Volestrangler, MP for Old Scrotum, welcomed some of the proposals but said too little was being done to tackle the root causes of the current wave of Islamic extremism.

He went on to mention such issues as illegally invading Iraq and Afghanistan to steal their oil and control opium production respectively, and then publicly plan a strategy to let the Israelis bomb Iran back into the Stone Age on the pretext of them developing nukes when the true purpose is to initiate a regime change for a Western-Zionist compliant leadership.

“No wonder the affected Muslim populations of the region are upset and organising Jihads against their aggressors. Forget the fairy tale propaganda that they hate our so-called imaginary freedoms, they just hate us being in their countries illegally, devastating their infrastructures, stealing their natural resources and killing their women and children.”

However, the Western Zionist Axis of Evil’s anti-Islamist myth of “They hate us because of our freedoms” is proven threadbare when our right to demand, under the UK’s Freedom of Information Act, access to documented records of government abuses- such as a record of MP’s expenses – is stonewalled at every turn, with shameless MP’s attempting to introduce legislation to keep said expenses secret lest details of such fall into ‘terrorist’ hands.

Thus the Rothschild Zionist-funded / pro-EU Common Purpose & Co. are training (read NLP brainwashing) up a home-grown neighbourhood watch Stasi / Gestapo force ready to confront and silence anyone who disagrees with the UK government and especially the Brussels-based EU fascists.

This is set to include any person who questions the identity of the true perpetrators of the WTC 9/11 attacks, of the Madrid train bombing, of the Bali micro-nuke bombing, of the 07/07/05 London tube (and double-decker bus) bombings, etc, et al.

Conspiracy theory radicals suggesting any of the above were false flag operations by Western military-industrial cartel / vested oil and banking interests solely to justify the illegal invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq will be pronounced ‘terrorists’ themselves for not towing the New World Order Big Brother party line.
Persons suggesting Mossad’s ‘dancing hi-fivers’ might have be involved will be instantly branded ‘anti-Semites’.

Nothing new to the approach, it was all tried and tested in the Nazi Germany and Stalinist Soviet Russia eras – and still seems to work quite well in China - but now updated and refined to a superior cutting edge with the latest spybot technology.
Further, it all coincides and ties in nicely with the US passing their Mandatory National Service Bill – the Kafkaesque-titled ‘Generations Invigorating Volunteerism and Education Act’ aka the GIMME Act that will result in seven million civilians press-ganged into conscripted government service whether they like it or not, and special dispensations for conscientious objectors denied.

Do you disagree with EU policy and legislation? Are you a Holohoax or global warming denier? Do you think members of New Labour should be charged with war crimes. Did you laugh when someone threw green custard over Lord Peter Scandalson?
Tut-tut. Very politically incorrect - instantly diagnosed as being totally bonkers and a threat to society so off to a mental institute with you.

Have you been brainwashed by Common Purpose to identify potential terrorists? Would you report your neighbours for not using the right recycling bin? Got your mandatory ID card yet? Do you think the government’s correct in assuming the British common herd of sheeple are so stupid they can’t see through the sham reasons for this training?

Are you on the dangerous twats ‘Red’ list, or the bloody nuisance ‘Blue’ list, or the ‘Couldn’t really give a shit’ ‘Yellow’ list? Log onto the Experian website right now and get a free personal ‘terrorist risk assessment’.

Fill in our online questionnaire below and a squad of your local Community Enforcement officers will call round, throw you in the back of a van and drop you off at your nearest dissident-friendly concentration camp.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Pope Benny gets Laid on African Tour

The world’s gutter press tabloids and radical anarchist websites are rife with rumours that Pope Benny, the all-new German built Mk XVI papal model, while on a Beg & Bless mission in Cameroon last week, got his wrinkly old celibate ass laid big-time.

While the Vatican Gestapo have been quick to stamp on the news reports emanating from Cameroon, and even faster in dispatching rumour-mongering members of Rome’s salivating paparazzi to the Inquisition’s dungeons for a spot of NLP, this is a 1 in 3 gradient rolling stone piece of tittle-tattle that’s gathering momentum as it approaches the European Catholic home front impact point.

Pope Benny was greeted and ‘entertained’ during his three-day visit to the country’s macaroon-growing capital of Yaoundé by the wife of the country’s president : Chantal Biya – reckoned by carnally-favoured foreign diplomats and international business dignitaries to be the best three-hole shag in West Africa.

Mrs. Biya, the mulatto product of a French aardvark-fancier and macaroon farming father and a Cameroon Frog-fancying mother, adores to pose in bikini-clad fashion before the cameras of slobbering Western press photographers and regale drooling journalists with tales of her sexual exploits.

The seven foot tall ginger minga Amazon boasts her vulval dynamics are so highly developed that she can squeeze a sopping bath towel dry and has perfected the Karma Sutra’s enigmatic and legendary ‘snapping pussy’ technique that enables a woman to slice carrots (or whatever) with her biting ‘bear trap’ strength vaginal muscles.

First Lady Chantal won the country’s beauty pageant title of ‘Miss Mingerot – Cameroons’ in 1994, then married President Paul Biya following a lightning one-night stand romance after his first wife, Jeanne-Irène Biya, died tragically the previous day in a Formula One wheelbarrow racing event.

Subsequent to her marriage Chantal established several charitable organisations, the foremost being her personal Zurich-based favourites: the ‘Chantal Biya Benevolent Fund’, the 'Chantal Duty-Free Shopping Fund’ and the ‘Chantal Biya Conflict Diamond Endowment’.

Among Cameroonian women, Biya is notorious not only for her ‘material acquisitions’, ravenous libido and Alpha-Domina eroticism but also a collection of emasculated and dried male genitalia culled from lovers who didn’t perform to expectations.

But foremost on the noteriety index come her flamboyant hairstyles that are a frequent cause of hysterical mirth for Western press photographers who have labelled her with the slanderous title of Madame Mop.

Her signature style, called the ‘banana bouffant’ is used for formal occasions and looks like a peacock on speed caught in a forty knot crosswind, which has to be formed around a bamboo scaffolding foundation involving cranes and teams of haute coiffeur technicians working around the clock.

Following the departure of Pope Benny and his entourage of Vatican beggars, First Lady Chantal, in her customary ‘kiss and tell’ boastacious fashion, alluded to the rumour-hungry journalists of her more ‘intimate’ late night moments together with the Pontiff when he personally heard her lengthy confession and how they ate oysters and drank champagne while discussing ‘Uganda’, after which she seduced His Holiness with Cameroon biftas and double-strength Viagra.

The First Lady also confided that Pope Benny had invited her for a reciprocal visit to the Vatican for what she described as an “up close and confidential personal Papal blessing.”

This is the third visit by a Catholic pope to the Cameroons, which has 5 million lapsed and apathetic Catholics out of its 17 million cannibalist heathen , monkey-shagging population.
The late Pope John Paul Mk II (Polish-built model) visited the country in 1995 and, after departing with a shit-eating grin of Biblical proportions, visited again the following year, in 1996, for another serving of Chantal’s legendary hospitality.

Judging from the Cheshire cat smile on Pope Benny’s face when leaving the capital Yaoundé for Angola at weekend, similar sentiuments might well be in his mind, for he stood atop the aircraft boarding gantry, turned to the crowd and, giving his crotch an evocative squeeze declared, MacArthur-fashion, “I shall return.”

Rhubarbe’s Rabid Attack Bitch : HK Assault Charges Nixed

The wife of 125-year-old geriatric Zimbabwean President Robert Rhubarbe has been granted diplomatic immunity over an alleged mad dog attack against a British press photographer in Hong Kong.

Photographer Richard Thort-Nott says he suffered cuts and bruises after Mrs. DisGrace Rhubarabe head-butted then kicked and repeatedly punched him while wearing a conflict diamond-studded knuckle duster and Doc Martin riggers boots in January.

Thort-Nott, who was given anti-rabies shots due the savage venomous bites he received from Rhubarbe during the attack, was taking photos of the 99-year-old serial kleptomaniac and her daughter Slutsy Pickaninny near a luxury hotel for a report about her extravagant shopping blitz holiday in the Far East that was in stark contrast to the lifestyle of the people of Zimbabwe, according to an article on the African 'Basket Case Nations' website.

The alleged incident happened while Mrs Rhubarbe and her entourage of sycophants and elite Black Mumbo security guards were on a £25,000,000 seven-star Asian tour, reportedly paid for with US dollars looted by Minister of Nepotism, Gideon Gonads Rhubarbe, (no relation) from Harare’s central 'Jewel Bank' at a time of chronic poverty, a raging cholera epidemic and hyperinflation in their bankrupt country.

However, Chinese officials state DisGrace has been granted diplomatic immunity over the alleged rabid attack and it was Thort-Nott’s own fault he got mauled and savaged for taking pictures of her shopping for designer clothes and other useless tat and bling in an Imelda Marcos style ‘Shop til you Drop’ spendthrift extravaganza while her home country descended into financial chaos and starvation.

Fifty-two witnesses gave statements and police concluded there was sufficient evidence to prosecute, sources close to the investigation revealed.

But Hong Kong’s Justice Minister Han Ging Wel said last night: “My good friend DisGrace Rhubarbe is not liable to arrest or detention and enjoys immunity from criminal prosecution here after remitting a mutually-agreed 'facilitation fee'.”
The minister declined to discuss how much of a bribe Mrs. Rhubarbe had actually paid to get the charges quashed.

Mrs Rhubarbe, who married the 125-year-old Zimbabwean dictator in 1996 after his first wife was accidently shot while taking a bath, flew on to Dubai and her new Palm Island luxury residence, leaving daughter Slutsy Pickaninny (a Hong Kong student studying Shoplifting and Hedonistic Squandering) to caretake the family’s illicit diamond business and £6 million palatial mansion : Rhubarbe Castle at 18, Shan Tong Road in the New Territories Tai Po district.

Mrs. Rhubarbe, formerly a three minute round bare fists boxing pugilist from Bulawayo won sixty fights with knock-outs and became known as the Bulawayo Amazon Pigdog Bitch before being hired as Rhubarbe’s personal bodyguard and bed warmer.

A keen political observer, and participating in the global acquisitions markets, DisGrace has made a name for herself in ‘mining’ circles, touring the country and viewing white-owned farms, industrial properties and businesses then proclaiming that : “This is Mine”, “That’s Mine” and “That’s Mine too”, much to the chagrin of the actual dispossessed legitimate white, or black, owners.

Since the cholera epidemic took hold, DisGrace Rhubarbe prefers to stay well clear of the blighted Zimbabwe lest she catch something nasty or fall foul of an assassination plot.
While more than seven million people are starving back home DisGrace strolls around the world’s capitals most exclusive boutiques, the plight of the hungry and dying the last thing on her warped mind.

Concealing her bloodshot snake eyes behind £180 Christian Dior sunglasses and with a £25,000 diamond-encrusted knuckle duster hanging off her wrist, the First Lady of Zimbabwe spends all day doing what she does best - shopping.

She recently had the Zimbabwe national anthem changed from ‘Simudzai mureza wedu weZimbabwe’ to the popular German folk song composed by Friedrich-Wilhelm Möller : “I love to go a’ Squandering” to blatantly celebrate her shopaholic addiction.

After a gruelling day of shopping for personal sex toys and thumping impudent paparazzi around Paris earlier this week, DisGrace devours, cannibal-fashion, a £150 appetizer of monkey's testicles and avocado, followed by tender fillets of crocodile steak marinated in dissident’s blood.
She and her geriatric husband then retired to their £10,000-a-night, 33-room suite at the Plaza-Athenee, while back at home poverty-stricken peasant families queued for meager supplies of bread, cooking oil and second-hand toilet paper.

DisGrace, who at 99 is 26 years younger than her deranged despotic husband, has come to represent everything that is wrong with Rhubarbe's tyrannical regime.

Southern Africa's answer to Imelda Marcos, she is known in Zimbabwe as The First Shopper, a woman who has spent £200 million on jet fuel, flying around on her foreign shopping trips, millions more on a pathetic sprawling personal theme park dubbed DisGracelands, and an executive jet once owned by Playboy tycoon Hugh Hefner, still staffed by centrepage models to join in her airborne black-on-white lesbian sex orgies.

Asked by one reckless reporter recently how she justified travelling to Europe to spend thousands of dollars on Ferragamo shoes while her people starved, she replied simply, in practiced diplomatic fashion: “Fuck off honky or I break your scrawny white trash neck."

Her words speak volumes about a country where nepotism and corruption are obliterating what was once a thriving economy before Black Power took over from the patron white administration that had originally developed the country’s haphazard agriculture and sprawls of nomadic warring tribes into cohesive and progressive social infrastructures.

DisGrace is happy to enforce her husband's land reform policy for her own gain - she seized a farm after throwing out its elderly white residents last year - and her influence over him is legendary with many claiming she is a witch and has cast a spell over the doddering senile dictator to create a ruling dynasty.

No one knows what happened to DisGrace's first husband or her gaggle of children, who conveniently disappeared off the scene around the same time as the first Mrs. Rhubarbe - Sally - got snuffed.

Granted special dispensation from the Vatican to remarry in DisGrace’s favoured Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster after having the opposing Bishop of Harare and his choirboys nailed to a tree, the couple married in 1996, in the lavish Busby Berkley style that was to become their trademark of opulent spendthrift waste and has brought the country to its current ‘Circus without a Tent’ basket case status.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

MP’s Expenses more Outrageous than Banker’s Bonuses

Unemployment minister Tony McNumpty told a reporter from the Shitrakers Weekly Review he did nothing wrong by claiming second-home expenses on a shed in the garden of the London house where his parents live due every other MP and their dog milking the same scheme for all it’s worth as the cloth-eared tax-paying public are too stupid to understand they’re getting ripped-off.

McNumpty received allowances worth thousands of pounds for the garden shed in his Skidrow-on-Thames constituency, which is just round the corner from his main home.
He said he made "considerable" use of the shed by staying there occasionally and the expenses claimed for it allowed it him to pay off his credit card bills on time and afford several holidays abroad each year.

Details of McNumpty's dodgy expense claims, the latest to be revealed about leading MPs, appeared in billboard sized fashion ten meters up on the side of the Houses of Parliament – courtesy of radical anarchist and celebrity graffiti artist Wanksy.

The MPs' Additional Costs Allowance of up to £24,000 a year goes to MPs from outside London to cover the cost of staying away from their main home when carrying out parliamentary duties, hiring male prostitutes for paid sex sessions, shagging their Asian au pair girls in seedy hotels or getting tied up and spanked by a Ukranian dominatrix.

Under ridiculous parliamentary rules McNumpty can claim an allowance for a second home in his constituency even though it is only five minutes walk from his main residence.

Earlier this year fat cat ‘Second Home’ Secretary Jacqui Stabvest Smith had to defend her actions with a series of bare-faced lies and outright perjurious denials after it emerged in the radical gutter press’s online scandal sheet websites she had claimed about £116,000 in expenses for her family home in the West Midlands after declaring her sister's property – a derelict squat in Peckham where she visited once a week - as her main residence.

Derek Conman, MP for Old Scrotum and Teacup, was expelled from the Conservative Party last year after being ordered to return £13,161 paid to his youngest son Freddie to work as a researcher while he was already employed as a burger tosser at McAlpine’s Chew and Spew in Vladivostok.

Further, the Commons' Standards and Privileges Committee said Mr Conman had made a "serious lapse of judgement" in paying his eldest son Henry for research into South American gay lifestyles while on a university sabbatical year in Patagonia and was ordered to return £3,757 of taxpayers' money.

Mr. Conman told reporters outside his London club 'Cheets' he intends to stand down at the next general election and run under the Hedonistic Squanderers party banner.

In February this year Parliament's Committee on Standards in Public Life decided against launching an inquiry into MPs' allowances due the festering can of worms scandals that would erupt if such details were exposed in the public arena.
While such an enquiry might well have served the public interest it would definitely not have served those of Parliamentary politicians.

All three above-mentioned opprobrium-tainted political felons recently apologised to the House of Commons representative assembly for being caught out red-handed with their greedy little paws in the public purse and drawing attention to the collective covert scandalous Parliamentary practices of bleeding the taxpayer like parasitic leeches.

Kuwait : A Political Basket Case

If regular elections are a sign of a functioning democracy, politics in Kuwait are in excellent health – at a first glance. However, a peek beneath the veneer of probity reveals a culture of corruption that would shame the Ottoman Empire’s worst excesses.

Only 10 months after the last parliamentary elections were held in the oil-rich emirate, Kuwaitis will once again head to the polls, following a decision by the autocratic ruling Emir to dissolve parliament.

Since 1991, Kuwaitis have voted six times - in 1992, 1996, 1999, 2003, 2006 and 2008.
Emir Sheikh Well Before Using's decision this time was taken after an all-too familiar crisis crippled the country's political system once again : Question Time.

Opposition MPs were eager to quiz the Prime Minister and Secretary for Nepotism over allegations of government corruption and mishandling of economic policy : to the detriment of the many and benefit of the select, royal few.

Rather than face the interrogation and resulting opprobrium, the prime minister, Sheikh Rock an Roll, handed in his resignation.

So, faster than you can say “tax-free lump sum” the ruling Emir, in a fit of pique at anyone questioning the royal family’s timeless and inalienable right to pillage and plunder the postage-stamp nation’s public coffers for their own use, threw a wobbler, spit the dummy, and dissolved parliament like a teaspoon of sugar in their scalding hot, shitty builder’s tea, then called for fresh elections.

As head of state and the country's highest political authority, the Emir also addressed the nation and, in the despotic rhetorical logic preferred by tyrants, delivered a scathing critique of what he saw as abuse by some MPs of their right to question the prime minister, which led to a "distortion of Kuwaiti freedom and democracy".

The reason Kuwaitis are being called back to the polls so frequently is that the underlying reasons for the crises are never addressed : the blatant corrupt practices of the ruling royal family and a farcical Democratic parliamentary structure that equates with the script for a Gilbert and Sullivan opera.

The travesty that serves as government by the people is a music hall display of sleight of hand – Arabian Nights legerdemain.
Any public grilling process, which could lead to a vote of no confidence in the prime minister, is seen by many as too humiliating for a member of the ruling family to endure.

However, analysts stress that from a legal perspective the MPs, however aggressive in their questioning, are within their constitutional rights – which obviously amount to zilch if the Emir can fire the lot out faster than shit through a goose with IBS.

But the plutocratic force of the royal oligarchs and tradition coupled with grudging respect for the ruling family stops the process of questioning in its tracks.

Observers residing a safe distance from the Emir’s wrath speak of two possible solutions to this problem.
The first is installing a "popular government", a term used in Kuwait to describe a cabinet without members of the ruling family.
Proponents say that that would end the sensitivity about holding prime ministers and ministers to account.
As it would also be the first step on undermining the power and authority of the monarchy such a proposal has as much chance of success as a pig farm in Mecca.

The second solution, diametrically opposed to the first, is for the Emir to appoint the crown prince as prime minister. If this were to happen, the difficulty of questioning him would increase tenfold.
The crown prince, after all, is not merely a member of the ruling family, but also the future ruler of the den of corruption.

Regardless of the election results, it is the Emir who appoints prime ministers, and critics say that this lies at the heart of the problem as the PM is not elected by popular vote as in Western democracies.

Nasser al-Bonkers, the head of the Kuwait Society for Window Dressing Democracy, told the AFP news agency just before getting arrested for treason that "'fundamental change" is needed to the political system in Kuwait.

Many Kuwaitis take pride in the fact that Kuwait was, in 1962, the first gulf state to adopt the façade of a parliamentary democracy and a constitution.

The British-educated Emir, who left Oxford with degrees in Tent Folding and Hedonistic Squandering, spends most of his time at his palatial luxury London residence, enjoying the city’s nightlife attractions of gambling, drinking and screwing Caucasian whores while his wives and harem go on shoplifting excursions around the major department stores.

Speaking candidly with Wheelie bin Baggs from the Tent Dwellers Gazette during an interview at the Rub and Tug Massage Club’s ‘Decadence Bar’ the Emir confided : “These landless peasant fucks want democracy and the right to question Me - their ruler! I own Kuwait and they’re all tea towel Tories and goat-bonking Liberals who watch too much television and get silly ideas about political change.”

Saturday, 21 March 2009

Unemployed? Go and Work for Jobcentreplus

Jobseekers have been describing their frustrations in Smegmadale-on-Sea, the most deprived part of the country with the highest percentage of people looking for work in the UK, as the government finally admitted unemployment figures were far higher that their perjuriously-stated two million.

It’s just after dawn in the town centre. On one side of the canal a couple of bankers, a bailiff, and an assortment of traffic wardens and community support officers hang by their thumbs from a bridge, screaming in agony as the magpies and pigeons peck at their eyes and shit all over them.

On the other side, a group of homeless people are propped up against a wall watching their agonised plight and enjoying a good laugh.
They’re all waiting for the job centre to open and collectively look ravenously hungry, absolutely fed up and ready for the revolution to kick off.

"I've lost me home, I've lost me job an’ the bailiff’s just nicked me portable telly last night too," said 25-year-old former hedge fund manager Rupert, injecting rhubarb juice into a vein in his forearm, joining the despondent ranks of Smegmadale’s chronic rhubarb addict population.

19-year-old Biff Bogbrush and his younger brother Snotty have been living in a cardboard box since their parents were evicted from the family's one-bedroom garden shed after redundancies left them unable to pay their mortgage.

Biff, who’s at the Jobcentre to look for work, has no previous experience or trade skills to boost his position and told the careers correspondent from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette “I’ve never ‘ad an effin’ job like cos I got expelled from school when I woz 12 an’ I’ve got no GCSE’s or shit like that, apart from a couple of ASBO’s.”

Frank, a former wheelbarrow mechanic, was laid off after the M827 motorway was completed in 1992 and hasn’t worked since. He told reporters “This country’s fucked wiv a capital ‘F’ – even Sherlock bleedin’ Holmes couldn’t find a job round ‘ere.”

Most of the people going through the Jobcentre’s doors are 'men' in their teens and twenties. This statistic results from the unemployed female youth contingent of Smegmadale’s sink estate society sodding off to Dubai to flog their gollies in the Gulf region’s fastest-growing social service industry : whoring. Cash in hand for lying down on the job.

But for the male youth at the Jobcentre they say the only jobs on offer are "high profile", in other words professional jobs they are not qualified for, so a few enrolled on an Information Technology (IT) course and turned to office burglaries, stealing computer equipments to sell on at the region’s proliferating car boot sales.
While some will return the following day, hoping that a job at Poundland or with the council’s recycling team (binmen) will finally be on offer, other men here in Smegmadale have taken a different route.

In an outbuilding two miles away at the Numpty Dumpty Skills Academy (NDSA), a group of people are building wooden sheds out of dumped Euro pallets salvaged from a local landfill site (the town’s High Street).
These one-bedroom / outside toilet units are marketed by the local housing authority as ‘affordable and desirable residences’ and can be erected in any field of your choice.

The only employer posting vacancies is the Jobcentreplus : who are hard-pressed to field staff to deal with the burgeoning numbers of the UK’s unemployed population flocking to their doors at an increasing geometric rate each passing day.

Dr. Charlie Windsor Accused of Quackery

Advertisements for herbal medicines from Prince Charles's ‘Dodgy Duchy Originals’ pharma’ company were misleading, a regulatory authority has ruled.
The firm has been told to change the wording of the website adverts after a horde of complaints about claims concerning the effectiveness of their remedies.
The Mongoose and Horticulture products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) stepped in and upheld the complaints.

Earlier this month, a Duchy detox ‘Super-Shit’ laxative product was criticised by experts as being (sic) a ‘pile of crap’.
Adverts for Dodgy Duchy Herbals miracle ‘Bat Ears Ease’ ointment and ‘Happy Haemhorroid Relief’ essence appeared on the company's website in January.

A member of the public who wishes to remain anonymous (Desmond McScrunt of 59, Felo-de-Se Crescent, Old Scrotum, Berks.) alleged the advertising campaign suggested the products had been assessed for efficacy and was therefore not only misleading but ‘a right royal con’.

The innominate Mr. McScrunt told the media “If this ‘ere snake oil crap of Charlie’s is any good, like the overnight ‘Wrinkles Gone’ preparation cream, then why’s ‘is missus, Dragonilla, still lookin’ like a saggy old prune eh?”

The MHRA gave Dodgy Duchy Originals a licence to sell the remedies but did not enable it to make any claims about their efficiency.
A MHRA spokesman told the quackery correspondent from the Duck Stranglers Gazette that their boss granted the licence on the off-chance he might be awarded a knighthood or life peerage for ‘services rendered’.

Apparently no-one at the MHRA was aware the GM (Genetically-Mutated) herbal products would be sold online to a global market, but rather at one-off car boot sales alongside other dodgy products such as pirate DVD’s and Polish Christmas cakes and Albanian roast swan snackies.

The Dodgy Duchy Originals brand was established by the Prince in 1990 "to promote organic food and farming and to help protect and sustain his dwindling Swiss bank accounts".
Prince Charles has hence been accused of exploiting the public in times of hardship by launching what a leading scientist calls a ‘very iffy’ detox mix – specifically the ‘Super Shit’ laxative essence.
Dr. Everhard Fuctifino, the UK's first professor of homeopathic medicine, said the Duchy Originals detox tincture claims were based on "outright bullshit".

Dr. Fuctifino, head of the Numpty Dumpty Medical School, said Prince Charles and his advisers appeared to be deliberately ignoring science, preferring "to rely on make-believe and superstition".
There was no scientific evidence to show that their detox products work, he added.

"Duchy Originals state their laxative and enema detox products are a "natural aid to supporting the body's elimination processes".
"The foul-tasting rhubarb, nettle and shagwort mix is described as "a food supplement to help eliminate toxins and aid digestion. It costs an exorbitant £100 for a 50ml bottle."

Dr. Fuctifino concluded “If you want to ease constipation and have a good colonic clear out then go down to your local pub and swill back a few pints of draught Guinness – on an empty stomach - that will do the trick and at a fraction of the cost.”
“The Dodgy Duchy Originals stuff, their ‘Super Shit’ enema mix, tasted like crap, and for what good it did me I might as well have shoved it up my arse.”

Friday, 20 March 2009

Hewitt Gives Assisted Suicides Thumbs-Up

Former New Labour ill-health secretary Patricia Hewitt is urging MPs to make it legal for people to take depressed or terminally ill patients into a secluded wood to perform their assisted suicides.

Originally it was proposed to convey the intended suicides abroad but the local woods approach will reduce travelling costs, cut airline flight CO2 emissions and reduce the overall carbon footprint effects by providing on-site burial facilities through a ‘bye-bye ceremony’ wherein the intended suicide victim can help to dig their own shallow grave if they so wish.

Hewitt, MP for Red Leicester, who was described by opposition Parliamentarians on her resignation in 2007 as the "worst Health Secretary in the history of the NHS”, claims thousands of people are seeking suicide help since recession-linked mass redundancies have heaved millions out of work over the last few months.

Hewitt told the euthanasia correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that thousands of the people forced into unemployment due the recession had lost their homes and seen credit card limits reduced to zilch, hence could no longer afford tropical destination vacations or Christmas skiing breaks.

“These people, deprived of their wallets full of plastic, have become so despondent and depressed with life they simply want to curl up and die. I believe we should legally sanction them the dignity of ritual seppuku, sooner than shoulder the ignominy of selling Big Issues or sleeping in shop doorways.”

“Just look at how those nice gentlemen from Mossad and MI6 helped Dr. David Kelly with his suicide in a lovely quiet woodland setting. Penknife not too sharp - plenty of co-proxamol tablets, very considerate all round -even if he didn’t actually want to commit suicide. Well, with older people and dementia cases, sometimes you have to make the decision for them – for their own good.”

“We can get local authorities involved to cut down on costs even further if the suicide’s relatives are the hoity-toity types and won’t help. Then one of the council’s friendly Community Support officers can go and assist in putting the noose around their necks or rig up a hose from the exhaust pipe to their car’s interior – then turn the engine off once they’ve finished choking on the fumes. All so environmentally-friendly.”

More than 100 MPs have signed a Commons motion calling for the issue to be debated so they can all have a good laugh and crack a few tasteless jokes on the issues of euthanasia, self-harm and suicide cases not being allowed burial in consecrated ground.

The UK currently has the third longest list of people registered with the Swiss suicide charity Snuffers (after Eritrea and Darfur) awaiting a lift with their mortal exits, an Undertakers-R-Us survey has revealed.

Should the law be changed regarding assisted suicide? Have you ever assisted in a suicide? Have you ever committed suicide yourself? Do you find New Labour’s running of the country so depressing you’re contemplating suicide?
Need a helping hand ? – no problems – just log onto our Felo-De-Se / Self-Snuffers website and get a free copy of our ‘Suicide for Dummies’ handbook.

Why the Pope Opposes Condoms

Government health officials in several EU states, and everyone possessed with a single iota of common sense globally, have criticised Pope Benny Mk16 for declaring that the use of condoms could endanger public health and increase the problem of HIV / AIDS.

The Pope, talking through his geriatric arse, as usual, on a subject he knows next to sweet fuck all about, argued that distribution of condoms aggravated the problem, rather than helping to contain the virus, as he began a visit to Africa this week.

For a man whose office is the supposed essential pinnacle of mortal celibacy and an example to others of similar ilk, why is it that a bloke who isn’t into bonking the female of the species arrogantly assumes to preach such crap to those that do?

France's foreign minister Giscard Fuctifino said condoms were fundamental to ‘prevention’ - of ‘what’ , in typical Gallic fashion, he actually failed to mention.

Germany’s prestigious Institute of Clapology went one further and said it was irresponsible of the Pope, and 21st Century Catholic doctrine, to deny family planning for the poorest of the poor – indicating the intended purpose of end product contraception.

The Dutch health minister Candida van Twatrot was definitely on the ball and well briefed, telling reporters “The Pope is out of his tree. This is the same dogmatic crap the Vatican have been spouting for years. Condoms, while nowhere near foolproof – especially when used by fools – will provide some modicum of protection from unwanted pregnancies, and the transmission of nasty flesh-eating venereal diseases and HIV / AIDS.”

The Roman Catholic Church believes marital fidelity and sexual abstinence are the best way to prevent the spread of pregnancy, and, incidentally, HIV – with pure virgin choirboys their vehicle of choice if the temptation gets too great for priests to resist.

At yesterday’s count there were 54 million people infected with HIV in sub-Saharan Africa, according to UN figures – almost all of whom are Catholics.
The African pagan and heathen religious sects use condoms even for a hand job from the Widow Palm and her five daughters, and definitely for penetration sex with women, other men, goats and small furry animals, and as a result, have a much reduced incidence of HIV in their ranks.

On his way to Cameroon for a State tithing / begging visit to secure a pledge for the donation to the Vatican coffers of a substantial percentage of the nation’s illegal conflict diamond sales from President Umboko Corruptinga, the Pope told reporters that HIV / AIDS was "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, and that definitely cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which only increases the problem".
The solution lay, he said, in a "spiritual and human awakening" and "a woman keeping her legs closed and men keeping their willies in their pants."

Conversely, campaigners say condoms are one of the few methods proven to stop the spread of HIV.

The Church's case has not been helped in the past when senior figures - including the president of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for the Family, Cardinal Alfonse Dildodo - have insisted that HIV inevitably passes through holes in the latex from which condoms are made, a claim dismissed by the World Health Organization as utter bullshit and typical Vatican black propaganda scaremongering to keep the AIDS epidemic rolling and the birth of new brainwashed Catholic recruits an on-going tithing reality.

Pope Benny told African bishops that contraception was foremost among trends leading to a breakdown in sexual morality - very similar to having paedophile priests buggering choirboys.
His rhetorical mumbo-jumbo concluded that: "It is of great concern that the fabric of African life, its very source of hope and stability, is threatened by divorce, abortion, prostitution, human trafficking, arms dealing, drug running and a contraception mentality."

Even some senior Roman Catholics take a pragmatic view of the use of condoms.
The Belgian Cardinal Haut Parleur said in 2008 that using a condom with the intention of stopping disease was morally different from using one to prevent the creation of life.
Just before he was dragged away to face a council of the Inquisition for heresy he managed to add that condoms could be the lesser of the two evils.

Pope Benedict is due to end his African visit this week with a stop in Angola to provide a Vatican-endorsed blessing for the final round of the world championship freestyle minefield hopscotch playoffs.

Are you a Catholic? Do you believe the Vatican’s bullshit? Have you ever enjoyed condom-free sex? Have you ever been a choirboy? Tell us your experiences and horror stories of what went on in the confessional by completing the online questionnaire below and we’ll guarantee you get a personal visit from the Inquisition and excommunicated.