Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Plods Give Barefoot Teen Drunk the Cold Shoulder

Two police officers have defended their decision to let a 14-year-old drunken teenager walk home barefoot shortly before he died of hypothermia on a freezing winter's night.

PC’s Numpty and Dumpty were called to the A666 roundabout on the Smegmadale border in January after receiving reports of a mud-covered half-naked male in the road trying to flag down traffic with his underpants.

The officers told an inquest they found Desmond McDork, 14, semi-coherent but still standing and were "happy" with their actions to let him walk home barefoot and freeze to death. McDork's perma-frosted body was found - Otzi the Iceman style - frozen solid in an abandoned badger set two weeks later.

Officers Numpty and Dumpty, who gave their evidence in private, were called to the Smegmadale-on-Sea area and found the young McDork standing on a traffic roundabout, barefooted, mud-splattered, dressed only in a thin t-shirt.

Officer Numpty, the police driver, said McDork explained he had been to a party at Smegmadale Sands and was ‘pissed as a newt’.
He told the policemen he had been unable to get a lift or a taxi and decided to take a short cut home, and lost his trainers and socks crossing a muddy field, then further asked the officers for a lift.

However, giving evidence with his fingers crossed, Officer Numpty said there had to be a "policing purpose" to give someone a lift – such as arresting them for terrorist activities or the fact they looked like a Brazilian electrician.
He said it would be against force HSE policy, the person would not be insured, and it would leave the officers open to false allegations - and the back seat of their car covered in mud.

Asked by the coroner if the situation might have been different if the stranded person was a 14-year-old female with big tits, covered in mud, barefoot, clad in a wet t-shirt and smelling of alcohol, the officers smiled and replied “Well, she’d have been up for a quick cluster fuck probably. Neither of us fancied young McDork though.”

Giving evidence PC Dumpty, lying under oath, stated that McDork was "dressed suitably for the time of year", and "it wasn't a particularly cold evening".
Conversely the inquest had previously heard how Desmond McDork was spotted by various drivers, who had reported his situation to the police HQ, as wearing just a t-shirt on a night when winter temperatures dropped to about one degree Centigrade - which meteorologists refer to as "fuckin' freezing".

The court, before returning a verdict of misadventure, also heard details of a letter to the coroner from crown prosecutor Jack Frost, explaining that there had been insufficient evidence for a criminal prosecution against the officers as both PC’s Numpty and Dumpty had been cleared of criminal negligence in exercising their duty to the public by the ever-dependable Independent Police Coverups Commission.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Swine Flu : Your Questions

Illuminati NWO agents provocateur around the world are striving to spread a new flu virus suspected of killing more than 300 people in Mexico after being pilfered from the Fort Detrick US Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Disease then released in Mexico City to start a global pandemic.

With over 40 of the West’s top micro-biologists falling victim to the ‘deaths in mysterious circumstances’ syndrome in the last four years, no wonder people are getting paranoid that this one might just be the global killer on a par - if not worse - than the 1918 ‘Spanish Lady’ global flu pandemic that wiped out what historians refer to as a "lot of fucking people".

The negative economic effects of the H1N1 Pig Flu outbreak are already being felt around the world with close-contact professions such as hairdressing, rugby, lap dancing and rub n tug massage ceasing to operate.

So to stir up fears and kick-start a global panic the Daily Shitraker news online put a number of your questions to swine flu expert Morona Porkstein, Head of Pandemic & Genocide Planning at the Rothshite Zionist College of General Quackery in Tel Aviv.


My ‘friend’ recently got back from Mexico and has been feeling ill with difficulty breathing, has spasms of grunting and when his appetite has returned, makes a pig of himself.
Yesterday he suffered a massive fart attack and several feet of slimy purple intestines were blasted from his rear orifice. I haven't been able to contact the doctor as he’s away on holiday in Acapulco. What do you advise? Sarah Numpty, Smegmashire, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Basically your friend has the symptoms of a spot of common stomach flu. If he craps out any major organs or his entire colon, then at this point Paracetamol or Lemsip should be taken every four hours. For more detailed advice it might help to contact NHS Direct.

What is the incubation time of swine flu - from point of exposure to actually dying? Mrs Candida Twatrot, Scunthorpe, UK

Dr Porkstein :
I don't believe we know enough yet about this new genetically-mutated pig flu that has been developed at Fort Detrick to start a global pandemic. From what the Bio-Warfare Gazette’s sales brochure states you should be dead in a couple of days -hopefully.

Is the basic flu jab sufficient to protect against this virus? Janice Dork, Cuntbury, UK

Dr Porkstein :
To be honest – for a change – absolutely not. None of the shit works, it’s loaded with evil crap such as mercury, and will not only deliver a dose of some other nasty pathogen but your own personal 666 Big Brother microchip.

When flu symptoms arise we are told not to bother the doctor, stay at home, keep warm and drink lots of water. Good advice usually but in this case, how do you know when it is necessary to contact the doctor? Lesley Snotford, Syphillis-on-Sea, UK

Dr Porkstein :
It is good advice. However, once an infected person goes cold and stiff and is no longer making any moaning and groaning noises, then that’s usually a good sign you can safely bypass the doctor all together and call the undertaker directly. My advice would be that as soon as you issue the first sneeze, stop paying your bills and go on a bender with a few infected friends – eat plenty of tasty high-cholesterol junk foods, smoke a couple of spliffs and enjoy a bottle or three of Meths Breezers.

How does 'flu' actually 'kill' someone? How long does it take from becoming infected with the virus to actually dying? Graham Munt, Sewerage Sands, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Seasonal flu is an unpleasant illness but one that normally leads to complete recovery within a week or so for most people. Conversely, with this mutated strain of man-made H1N1 pig flu virus, specifically engineered at Fort Detrick to be airborne, it should kill you in a few short days – usually by filling your lungs with septic festering phlegm so you actually choke to death. Could be worse – a car accident or something.

The swine flu is from Mexico but how did it come about and is it going to spread in the UK? Sana Ratwarbler, Rottingham, UK

Dr Porkstein :
The official line is that it was transferred to humans by Mexican swine-herding peasant shagging their pigs. Obviously no government wishes it to be known this is a weapons-grade bio-plague that’s being spread deliberately to cull the Earth’s over-population of useless eaters. Don’t worry, you’re not going to miss out on anything - the UK will be in the centre of a pandemic by next week.

Is there a risk that if the emerging swine flu H1N1 virus comes into contact with the established bird flu H5N1 virus that the two could mix and cause an even bigger pandemic risk? Gladys Scrunt, Knobingdon, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Absolutely, and that’s precisely what the Illuminati’s Masonic psychopath elite are hoping for – so we achieve a swifter infection to kill ratio globally. Oh, don’t worry about us – we already have tried and tested vaccines to immunise ourselves.
It’s just the common herd – including yourself – that’s going to get it in the proverbial neck.

We have booked a holiday to Cancun Mexico in August and have got young children too. Should we cancel and go elsewhere? Myroulla Unpronounceablename, London, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Well, if you have any common sense at all I’d recommend staying well away from Mexico for the next fifty years. However, why bother making that long and expensive flight when you’ll probably be infected with the flu well before August just by remaining in London.

We are a GP surgery with over 80,000 patients. We are obviously awaiting guidance from the Dept of Health. In our pandemic flu plan we have been advised by our local PCT to provide 8 masks a day per member of staff - could you clarify the projected usage of a mask - ie: should they be treated like surgical gloves and disposed of after one use? Sandra Shylock, Ramsbottom, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Masks are ineffective when they become damp or after a few hours in the most general of instances. However, with this newly-tarted up virulent version of the H1N1 virus it has been genetically designed to be so small it can penetrate the mask’s micro-filter. So, whatever you do, basically you’re fucked.

I have no spleen and I'm concerned that I will find it hard to fight the flu virus if contracted. Is there anything I can do to pre-prepare myself? Virginia Muffitch, Gravesend, UK

Dr Porkstein :
Two options - one is to shut yourself in the fridge until the pandemic has finished ravaging the rest of the world. The other is to buy yourself a nice comfy coffin today and not end up in one of those nasty cheap plastic things like the half million that are stacked up in Georgia. Go on – treat yourself to a spot of End of Days Apocalyptic comfort on your credit card.

Do you have any other questions you would like to ask Dr. Porkstein about swine flu or would you rather not bother?

The Rev. Hardly Fuctifino, spokesman for the Church of the Sacred Cosmopolitan Porcupine (Department for Optimism & Yeast Logic) dismissed Dr. Porkstein's terror-mongering and told reporters from the Bio-Hazards Review that exposure to even a minor portion of any shitraking tabloid or TV news media - especially Fox or CNN - means - at best, uninformed blind panic - at worst a miserable death in an NHS trust hospital corridor.

Infections due exposure to panic-mongering journalists usually manifest in an abnormally high level of fretting, worrying and anxious nail-biting, developing over a period of days into mild panic, a paranoid fear of crowds and all forms of mass transit coupled with a psychotic craving to stockpile essential commissary such as Greedy Grocer cans of economy Spam and Monsanto’s Finest Sunny D’ mutant orange drink.

Monday, 27 April 2009

Charles and Dragonilla Meet Pope Benny

The Prince of Wales and the Duchess of Cornbeef met briefly with Pope Benny Mk16 at the Vatican this afternoon. The Pope, wearing a surgical mask and his trail bike goggles, refused to shake hands with the couple due the Mexican pig flu epidemic spreading to Europe.

Newspapers are today speculating the paranoid rumour that this may be due Charlie’s father, Prince Phillip, stating he wanted to cull the world’s population of useless eaters (including Catholics) by being a virus and the Pope wisely advised Charlie might be on a plague-spreading mission for Daddy.

As Cardinal Mozarella snidely remarked to journalists “If Phillip can have MI6 knock off his daughter-in-law just because she’s humping an Arab then the old pig might hold no compunction spreading swine flu round the Vatican for a bit of a perverse laugh.”

Prince Charles and the Royal Slut Dragonilla flew to Rome on her broomstick yesterday as Charles was scheduled to attend a private audience with the pontiff this afternoon.
This was Charles's first audience at the Vatican since the murder of his late wife Princess Diana.

Charles met Pope John Paul II in 1985 when he visited Rome with Diana, Princess of Wales and they enjoyed a few pints and a game of darts together in the Vatican’s exclusive members-only Polish Inquisition Club.

The royal couple will spend two days in Italy as part of an official lightning-stop tour before travelling on to Albania to attend the national Black Swan Roasting Festival in Tirana this coming Saturday to mark the Battle of Savra in 1385, where the Albanian Pikey chief Gjergj Balasha got his arse well and truly thrashed by the invading Ottoman armies.

Vatican protocol dictated that Charles met the pontiff alone, with no woman present - a Vatican custom that dates back to the papal reign of the Borgias - to limit female gossip.
In the Middle Ages it was quite common for Rome’s fishwives to have their tongues cut out for tittle-tattling about the pope and back-stabbing his cardinals.

They will be joined by the duchess and other members of the Pontiff’s Household later in the evening for a peacock and baby grey whale banquet, where all attending ladies, Dragonilla included, will be required to wear earplugs and from one to three brown paper bags over their heads depending how they rate on the traditional Medici Ugly Scale.

Although the meeting will involve an exchange of gifts, the Vatican has denied that Prince Charles will receive a memento of Henry VIII's divorce document from Catherine of Aragon – as such never actually took place.

The rumour followed reports the pontiff was to give Charles a xerox copy of the 1530 appeal by English peers for the annulment of Henry's marriage.
However Charles’ gift to His Holiness is thought to be a bespoke Pound Stretcher gift voucher and a jar of Duchy Originals Vegemite.

A Clarence House spokesman said the rest of the royal couple's trip to Rome would focus on the issue of the emergence of the radical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, kissing scabby babies and stroking small dogs.

Charles is also due to give a keynote speech at the Chamber of Deputies and partake in a meeting of Italian Mafia Don greenies to discuss environmental issues and how best to shut Al Bore up ranting on about his lucrative global warming hoax.

The odd couple will later go on to Venice where Dragonilla will attend a reception of menopausal hags to discuss alternative treatments for varicose veins, hemorrhoids, sagging boobs and ravine-depth facial wrinkles.

Meanwhile Charles is scheduled to discuss urban regeneration and the Cap and Trade CO2 Emissions Exchange with a group of potted plants at the Universita Ca’ Foscari di Venezia.

Mexico Flu Outbreak : Start of Planned Global Population Cull

Mexican authorities are taking drastic measures to contain a deadly new strain of the potent Piggy Wiggy Swine Flu virus that has killed what statisticians refer to as “a whole lot of fucking people” and woken the world’s landless peasants up to the fact that this time it might well be the real thing : a plague of Biblical proportions to wipe out a few billion useless eaters once and for all, and clear the way to usher in the Illuminati’s New World Order – manned only by their own select elite who have survived the pandemic : as the rest of us will be dead.

Obviously all the other poisons and nasty toxins they’re slipping into our vaccines, pharma drugs, food, drinks and potable water aren’t working fast enough to suit the impatient elite’s agenda– the ones causing the massive increases in Cancers, Alzheimer’s, Galloping MS, Autism, Aspartame Toxicity Syndrome, the man-made Morgellon’s Disease nano-virus – you name it.

Same story with the GM / Geneticaly-Mutated crops, Chemtrails, AIDS, Ebola, SARS, Bird Flu and MRSA. This stuff, while moderately efficient in achieving an eventual mortality rate, does not have the potential to wipe out entire tribes overnight, alike Sennacherib and Co., and still leave the infrastructure intact.

So, no idiotic posturing about “Oh, if it’s only in Mexico it’ll never get over here.” It’s already here – in Europe - via design – purposely spread by agents provocateur. A quick squirt here and there at major airports around the world and- voila! – the job’s done and dusted.

Of course it is always possible such a contagion was left to the element of chance – such as Nature - that some Mexican tourist would wander into Harrods Food Hall, let loose a couple of ballistic sneezes, and the entire UK population would be infected in a week - and dead the week after that – hopefully having paid all due council tax to date before coughing up their festering lungs and expiring.

As of this morning we have outbreaks in Mexico, then north of the Rio Grande into the US of A, also in France (who deserve it) and far away Kiwiland – New Zealand.
In Israel, medics are testing 26-year-old Isaac Porkenstein who was hospitalised with swine flu-like symptoms – grunting a lot and sweating like a pig - after returning from a trip to Mexico.

While speculation has been postured that the swine flu outbreak has originated with Mexican peon pig-herders who often live in pretty intimate proximity with their animals (as to how intimate – use your imagination) the truth lies in the fact that the virus has been genetically-modified and mutated artificially to infect humans and spread via an airborne medium – courtesy of some spotty government science techie at Fort Detrick, or the Atlanta CDC, or Porton Down.

When it comes to the ‘usual suspects’ for pinning something like this on then the Israelis and Mossad immediately spring to mind.

However, if the swine flu virus does actually contain any piggy wig type genetic bits then perhaps our false flag favourites might shy away from such a Leviticus- forboden source of virus. Top of the ‘treif’ list, your old pig, in the Shylock’s eyes.
A veritable anathema in fact, as stated clearly in the Talmud’s kosher brochure and confirmed for this report by the Protocols of Zion spokesman Chuckles ‘Crazyhorse’ Cohen.

If it was another epidemic of Bird Flu – well, the first choice for blame would be Mossad’s crazies again. Pig Flu ? – Gentiles only – can’t even blame militant Islam’s Jolly Jihadists this time around – pigs are ‘haram’ - hence might well be one of Mr. Rockefeller’s much vaunted population reduction schemes.

Early in March this year, less than two months ago, newspapers around Europe were questioning if the shocking discovery that regular flu vaccines contaminated with the deadly Fat Duck strain of the Manky Mallard avian flu coronavirus - which were distributed to 18 countries by the American company Baxter - were part of a conspiracy to provoke a pandemic.

The claim held weight because, according to the very laboratory protocols that are routine and de rigueur for vaccine makers, mixing a live viral biological weapon with vaccine material by accident is virtually impossible.
This simply isn’t an innocent butterfingers, blonde moment mistake like sprinkling salt onto your cornflakes instead of sugar – it’s a precise splicing operation involving vacuum chambers, electron microscopes and specialist genetic engineering skills.

Okay, let’s just step back one pace: ‘accidental contamination of vaccine with live avian flu virus virtually impossible’. Er, no - not ‘virtually impossible’ - just fucking IMPOSSIBLE - hence DELIBERATE.

And now, over in Mexico, we have – voila – Swine Flu – with government officials and peasants jointly running aimlessly around like some Chinese fire drill wondering what the fuck to do next and shouting “Jesus H Christ – we’re all going to die!”
There is purposely no vaccine available to the great unwashed public masses to prevent, or cure, the new strain of the virus, apart from Tamiflu oral medication which is as much use as tits on a bull.
However severe cases of the flu can be treated by spending a few days in a coffin.

Mexico's President Felipe Fuctifino has announced emergency measures to deal with the situation – wear face masks and breathe as little as possible.
They also include powers to isolate individuals ‘suspected’ of having the virus without fear of legal repercussions. Nice one.

Once the spread of the virus achieves an infection rate of epidemic proportions north of the border in the US this ruling will equate to a mass round-up, and FEMA concentration camp isolation, of hundreds of thousands of hapless peasants – infected or not – and the timely declaration of martial law.
The red zone crematoriums are already getting fired up for the first batch of corpses.

Hey – nobody worked out what the half-million ‘disposable’ Georgia coffins are for yet? Plenty more where they came from – and they’ll be needed too.

But that’s just for us – the peasants. The illustrious elite Masonic-Satanist leaders of the New World Order – those ruling Illuminati shitbags – have already got their immunisation shots.

Once the flu outbreak reaches a global pandemic level then the science buffs will declare they’re working 24/7 on a vaccine to save us all.

But that lie doesn’t pass muster as those responsible would never release and spread such a weapons grade bio-plague, or put their precious blue-blood arses at risk, without first having an effective vaccine (as per AIDS and Ebloa etc) tried, tested and proved on a series of hapless extreme rendition terrorist suspect patsies until they got it spot-on right – to immunise themselves while we all go the way of Donald the Dodo.

Have you been in Mexico for a BeanFest recently? Do you know of any swine herders that have been affected by the outbreak? Have you had any toxic mercury-loaded vaccines injected against your will? When was the last time you suffered a paroxysm of sneezing? Have you had sex with a pig recently? (four-legged variety)

Tell us your experiences by filling in the online form below.

Your comments will be forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security so you’ll receive priority induction at a FEMA concentration camp near you.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Numpty-Dumpty Skewed News Round-Up

Beijing cracks down on religious groups, viewed as dissidents by the country’s geriatric atheist rulers, yet again.
China’s ‘Thought Police’ last night arrested all six members of the immensely fashionable Falun and the Gongs pop group, who are adherents of the Qui Gong mystical religious cult banned by the ruling Politburo.
A Ministry of Paranoia spokesman, Mr. Fok Yew Tu, informed the International Herald Shitraker that the group, who are currently being held at Shanghai’s infamous ‘Smiley Face Organ Donor Prison’ would be charged with sedition.

The Royal Bank of Scumland (RBS) has demanded £40,000 compensation from an unemployed 17-year-old girl who was filmed on CCTV vandalising the bank’s office equipment during the recent G20 protests in London.
The girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons (Slutsy McGammer) admitted criminal damage when protesters targeted the Shitspindle Street branch of the RBS on the 1st April.
Judge Desmond Dunce, presiding over the case, opined that the RBS banksters were a bunch of greedy bastards in demanding £40,000 in compensation for a pc monitor and keyboard smashed by the girl, awarding a more realistic replacement figure of £150 instead.

Fears that an Iranian ban on imports from its arch enemy Israel was flouted by the sale of Jaffa Sunny D’ mutant orange drink have sparked furious reactions and inquiries at both the Ministry of Xenophobia and the Department for Paranoia in Tehran.
Customs official jumped into action after discovering the Israeli ‘Frankenstein flavour’ fruit juice drink was allegedly imported in boxes marked as being of Chinese origin but actually shipped from the crime capital of the Gulf : Dubai.
The Jaffa orange drink, named after a famous Palestinian city, is usually known for its sweetness, however Iranian customs chemists have determined the contraband juice had been tampered with after analysis revealed each and every carton contained massive amounts of human urine.
Revolutionary Guards chief Mustafa Crap told reporters “This is the work of the filthy scumbag Israeli Mossad – pissing in the orange juice then smuggling it to Tehran so our people will drink it. They are mad – this is their sick sense of humour and it is not funny.”
“Just wait until our deep cover moles and agents provocateur finish at the Israeli ‘Dancing Camel’ brewery and see what their ‘Half-Wit’ beer tastes like after its been pissed in by the Gaza gangsters.”

While millions are starving to death across the globe, specifically in the famine-ravaged African nations of Ethiopia, Sudan and Somalia, and no-one in the First World West really giving a flying fuck about the situation or doing anything positively constructive to alleviate the suffering and solve the problem, the EU has decided, in a true to form Alice in Wonderland numpty dumpty paradox that flocks of vultures, suffering from hunger in the mountains of Spain must be nourished at all costs.
The vultures are starving because of previously-enacted EU regulations that aimed to stop the spread of mad-cow disease across Europe, with dead cattle being buried and covered with quick lime.
Brussels-based European MPs voted for a change in the law to allow farmers to leave dead livestock in their fields - providing it is deemed safe and hygienic - with bleeding heart environmentalists describing the birds as "nature's cleaners".
A lack of natural carrion has forced the birds to embark on some rather long-haul trips - one was even spotted recently in the UK town of Smegmadale, perched on top of a bus shelter outside a Greedy Grocer Extra supermarket, feasting on the remains of a homeless Big Issue vendor.
While the World’s criminal governments are continuing to bail out the useless insolvent banksters who have caused the economic collapse and recession, what’s the problem with bailing out another bunch of vultures in Spain?

North Korea has started to reprocess spent fuel rods at its nuclear plant, the country's Central News Agency (Knockers) announced yesterday.
Great Dear Leader Kim Mah Jong, after consulting his favourite trusted Feng Shui man has decided to reopen the Yongbong reactor (closed to comply with UN sanction demands) and commence processing weapons-grade plutonium for the development of thermo-nuclear bombs.
The reprocessing move comes after Pyongyang's successful launch of a long-range intercontinental rocket in April, capable of carrying warhead payloads.
The Minister for Shit-Stirring, Mr. Pak Lunch, told the nuclear physics correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that their Great Dear Leader was sick to the teeth with the Zionist US’s hypocritical and demonising protests about North Korea’s supposed war-like intentions when the US were the ones illegally invading Middle Eastern countries to steal their oil and opium crops and establish permanent military bases.
“No problem – we start reprocessing the spent fuel rods into weapons grade plutonium and make a few nukes – maybe give some left-overs to Iran – really put the willies up America and Israel.”
“We’re all getting fed up with Europe’s and America’s New World Order and their neo-imperialist oppressions. Just watch, all the marginalised and disaffected Third World nations are going to gang up on their past colonial masters and give them some shit back.”
“The reprocessing will contribute to bolstering our nuclear deterrence for self-defence in every way to cope with the increasing military threats from the hostile belligerent forces of the West. We’ll show them the real meaning of their “Axis of Evil".
The UN Security Council imposed sanctions on three North Korean companies in response to the reprocessing announcement.
Conversely Pyongyang said it would ignore the sanctions, describing them as "a wanton violation of the UN charter" and that the Zionist-controlled UN could “kiss their yellow spotty arses.”

Ex-British Slime Minister, Tony Bliar, is set to pitch his candidacy bid to become the next European President.
Backed by the midget French premier Nicknacks Teakozy and various other questionable and dishonest sponsors, Bliar states he wants to build a bridge between Europe and the new O’Barmy pro-Zionist administration – while caustic critics posture that the bridge he wishes to build is more than likely one between the EU’s coffers and his own offshore pension fund to sate the voracious financial appetites of his materialistic grasping spouse Cherie Baby – she of the burst tyre mouth who, being a devout Satanist, has never read Matthew 16:26.
However, Tony Bliar as prime minister or Mid- East peace envoy or EU president is no more ridiculous that Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown being considered as the G-20’s financial guru or Barky O’Barmy as the legitimate President of the USA.

News splattered across the pages of the gutter press announcing that incumbent US President Barky O’Barmy has personally drafted and signed into law a ‘Most Favoured Nation’ trade agreement with Kenya has been blasted by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel Slimeberg as an ‘utter and subversive rumour’.
However a pall of conspiratorial silence descended over the press room when it was pointed out that the White House changed its US suppliers of mangoes, bananas and coconuts to the Nairobi-based ‘O’Barmy United Fruit Company on the 20th January this year.
Further questions of “Where are you buying all the new teleprompters?” went ignored.

Building bigger and stronger levees in New Orleans will not be enough to save the US city from another Hurricane Katrina, according to a survey leaked to the Daily Shitraker.
The survey, sponsored by the Shylock Landgrabbers Group, stated the risks of severe flooding in the city could "never be fully eliminated" especially so when a hurricane like Katrina was spiked up and directed onto the place with HAARP array weather modification technology.
The survey also stated that while the levees were considered adequate for any normal to severe rise in the water levels of Lake Pontchartrain, nothing could stop them being breached if US government agent provocateurs and Blackwater Security operatives were allowed to go round blasting fucking big holes in them with military grade high explosives, as occurred in August 2005.

Mexican authorities have closed schools and public buildings in the capital in a bid to contain a new flu virus suspected of killing over 250 people this week.
The gastro-intestinal virus which was at first considered to be a variant of the seasonal ’bean virus’ which causes sufferers to basically ‘fart to death’ is now being reassessed and early test results indicate it is actually a highly virulent variant mutated strain of ‘swine flu’ which while it can be spread from person to person in the human spectrum by airborne transmission, the initial infections normally originate from horny hard-up peasants shagging pigs.
Doctors in Mexico City and the surrounding rural areas are advising anyone who has actually had sex with a pig recently to seek medical advice and get their flu shot.

Gurkha Veterans Shit on by New Labour:
Campaigners have reacted with anger to new rules on the eligibility of Gurkha veterans to live in the UK.
Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith, the ‘Second Home’ Secretary told the Tortoise Polisher’s review that new rules would allow about 4,300 more to settle, but the Gurkha Justice Campaign said Smith was lying through her teeth as usual and the actual number would be less than 100.
Actress Joanna Scumley, a campaigner for the Gurkhas, said the announcement made her "ashamed of Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s shithouse administration".
Immigration Minister Phil Pockets denied he had betrayed the Gurkhas, adding: "Just because they were in the British Army and fought for us, risking life and limb, doesn’t mean they’re entitled to anything more than a free kitbag and a double ration of Kendal mint cake."
He added: "It has never been the case that all Gurkhas pre-1997 were to be allowed to stay in the country. With their goat-bonking dependants you could be looking at 100,000 people – more than all the sponging Poles and Albanian swan roasting Pikeys we’ve already ended up with camping out here.”
Mr. Pockets concluded with “Let’s be honest, they have my sympathy – which is in the dictionary right between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ - who the fuck wants to live in Nepal anyway– apart from disaffected British hippie types. I suppose it’s okay if you want to get out of bed in a morning and look at Mount Everest, but that’s about all.”

A Japanese pop singer who was arrested for public indecency after being found drunk and naked in a Tokyo park has apologised for his "shameful" conduct by donating his entire fortune to the founding of a ‘Manky Mallard’ Shinto shrine.
"I drank a lot and did not know what I was doing," Turbo Kuntashagi said on Friday after being released by police.
"I deeply apologise to fans for causing so much trouble and worry," he added.
Kuntashagi, 34, shot to fame as a member of 1980s boy band FLASHERS.
At the time of his arrest, Kuntashagi was allegedly sitting on the grass naked, heavily intoxicated and engaged in an unnatural sexual act with one of the park’s Mallard waterfowl.
He was charged with duck buggery, which can carry a sentence of ten years hard labour and mandatory chemical castration. His name and case details have summarily been entered into the national sex offender’s register as a zoophiliac pervert and he is henceforth prohibited from going within 100 meters of a duck pond.
Local media reports said he had drunk more than 10 glasses of Japanese rice wine (saki) and beer before going into the park for a quick hand job.
His arrest has been a major news story in Japan, where Kuntashagi was the face of a government campaign to get the public to buy shares in their ailing and insolvent banks.
Since the arrest, Toyota Motor Corp and other leading companies have cancelled commercials featuring the duck-fucking pop star.

Hillarious Rodent Clinton has landed in the Iraqi capital Baghdad for her first visit to the country as US Secretary of Sleaze.
Clinton touched down on her broomstick amidst a firefight between a squad of Iraqi Shia police and a platoon of Shite military troops, blasting the hell out of each other for control of the airport’s customs depot and lucrative smuggling trade.
Accompanied by her friend and mentor, Sapphie Dildodo, famed feminist and author of the controversial best-seller “Strapon Diplomacy”, the Rodent’s visit comes in the wake of two days of suicide bomb attacks on Baghdad and other Iraqi shitholes which killed at least 155,000 people and wounded several others.
Clinton told unaffiliated reporters from Al Jazeera and other Gulf media stations she wanted to help identify how to counter the violence – to which they politely suggested the US and other neo-colonial warmongers get their arses out of Iraq and put a stop to the illegal occupation.
Broomstick pilot Clinton, who obviously doesn’t understand the first principle of self-determination or the fact that ‘Democracy’ does not really translate as “You’ll do what we say – or else” still cannot comprehend why Iraq will not function peacefully when it is being ‘governed’ (sic) by US-Zionist Shia puppets.
Going into her usual hysterical screaming profanity mode, Clinton howled "I want an evaluation of what these kinds of rejectionist efforts mean and what can be done to prevent them by both the Iraqi government and the US forces – or do we need another dose of ‘Shock and Awe’?"
It will be noted that a lull to the sectarian fighting was observed last month when all sides ran out of ammunition for almost a week.
The US President, Mr. Teleprompter O’Barmy, who visited Iraq a couple of weeks ago for half an hour, has committed the US to withdrawing troops from Iraq by the end of June (2050).

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Rusty’s Skewed News Views : Purveyors of Bespoke Satire

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Botox Betty Becomes Daughter’s Twin

Walking through Smegmadale town centre with Botox Betty and Feral Beryl McScrunt, you immediately notice the number of people staring at them as they walk past, commenting on their moronic Thunderbirds’ Lady Penelope facade.

In their white (size six), matching shell suits, peroxide blonde hair and rather heavy ‘Scrubbers’ brand make-up, they appear to fit in perfectly amongst the Friday night disco crowd of brain-damaged chavettes and slappers abroad for a few Meths Breezers and a quick back alley knee-trembler in the former Lancashire mill-town.

Botox Betty, it's fair to say, doesn't look - or dress - like your average 65-year-old.
"People think we must be twin sisters but they'd never believe we woz mother an’ daughter," she tells a reporter from the Yobette’s Weekly Review.

But her ability to fool people about her age hasn't come cheap. Betty reckons her cosmetic surgical enhancements have cost the NHS well over £50,000.

"I were a 34A/B and now I'm a melon-titted 34DD. I ‘ad me squinty eyes straightened an’ me nose reshaped by the same bloke who did Ricky Hatton’s, an’ I got me lips filled with silly putty so I can give a better gam.”

"I decided to do it cos I woz feelin’ like a real worn out old slag at the time wiv just getting’ done for benefit fraud and catchin’ a dose of clap off one of me customers at the Rub n Tug massage parlour.”

“Anyways, I goes to me doctor’s an’ tells ‘im I’m all suicidal an’ depressed an’ that kind of shit so ’e gets me signed up for a load of freebie NHS cosmetic surgery to boost me confidence.”

“Me 25 year-old daughter Beryl’s a real looker so I told the doctors I just wanted to look like ‘er. I ‘ad to go on a fuckin’ strict diet like for weeks, just eatin’ effin’ fruit an’ salads an’ veggies an’ all that kind of shit but I got meself down to a 22 inch waist an’ dress size 6 – same as Beryl.”

Betty, who never went to school, but often played with children that did, went on to reveal: “I’m gonna start an adult trainin’ course at college too – get me 11-plus or an NVQ or summat an’ learn to read an’ write like, then try an’ get me arse on the X-Factor wiv that Slimey Bowel bloke cos I’m not bad at singin’an’ I likes pole dancin’ too.”

And what does daughter Feral Beryl think of mother Betty’s youthful transformation?
“Well, I’m real fuckin’ ‘appy for her like, but I gets pissed off at times when we goes clubbin’ together an’ the blokes want ter shag ‘er more than me cos they reckon she’s a better looker.”

Keyes Warns of O’Barmy Deception

The Zionist-Israeli controlled O’Barmy government will stage further false flag terror attacks in the same mould as 9/11 to generate an excuse for declaring martial law.

This is the ominous prediction of perma-tanned Alan Lee Keyes - a conservative politician, of African descent - just like President Barky O’Barmy - but one whom can actually prove he was born in the United States after the passage of the 13th Amendment.

Former presidential candidate Alan Keyes, now labelled by critics as a ‘conspiracy theory’ nut, served the 1980’s Reagan administration in the prestigious position of Assistant Deputy Under-Secretary for Road Signs.

Today Keyes has given perhaps his most dire warning yet, stating publicly that the O’Barmy administration is preparing to stage terror attacks, declare martial law and cancel the 2012 elections – hence why they are demonizing their political enemies as criminals and terrorists – to conceal the fact they themselves are a bunch of all-round nasty twats.

Keyes, an elegant and charismatic speaker, who has no need of teleprompters, comes across in the primary instance as that rare breed : an honest man.
Keyes : a person of colour who is quite obviously not intellectually-limited or hindered by the Bell Curve Deficiency Syndrome - and can smell a rat a mile off.

As one political contemporary so aptly put it “Alan can sniff out the nigger in the woodpile every time – and in this case it just happens to be the Kenyan in the White House.”

Keyes filed a lawsuit on November 14, 2008 against the then-President-elect Barky O’Barmy seeking to challenge O’Barmy's eligibility for the US Presidency.
The suit requests that Manchurian (Kenyan) candidate O’Barmy provide documentation, apart from a visibly counterfeit and clumsily forged Hawaiian birth certificate, that he is a natural born citizen of the United States and not a Kenyan national.

Following O’Barmy’s inauguration, Keyes denied he had been Constitutionally inaugurated, refused to call him ‘Mista Pressydent’ stating he was an "usurper" and a "radical communist” bent on following his puppet masters’ -Zbigniew Brzezinski and Georgie Soros – orders to destabilize the US and impose a state of martial law through the dastardly application of further false flag terrorist plots – all courtesy of the US military industrial complex and the ever-ready Zionist Israeli mad dog government as per the previous 9/11 attacks which were scandalously blamed on a bunch of Cro-Magnon religious fanatics living in caves across Afghanistan.

“It’s obvious that they will stop at nothing,” Keyes told a cage full of apathetic baboons during a reception at the Fort Wayne Zoo, adding, “We may wake up one day and there’s another series of false flag Mossad terrorist attacks, the economy is paralysed….martial law will be declared everywhere in the United States and it won’t end until World War Three’s devastated the planet, Satanism is the global religion, and Solomon’s Temple is rebuilt to worship Lucifer.”

Keyes said that Americans should be thankful if they even see another election in 2012, stating, “If we don’t wake up and work to see that it happens, we will not see another election and the evil Big Brother New World Order will be in control.”

“The minute they think they can get away with it the crooked Zionists controlling the White House, like Rahm Emanuel Slimeberg and Co., will end this system of government and that is their intention,” added Keyes.

He further noted that everyone acting as if the time we are in was just “business as usual” reminds him of the attitude of politicians in the Weimar Republic when Hitler was rising to power or eastern Europe when the Communists were taking over after the Second World War.

Keyes maintains that because the majority of people are decent-minded (naive) they believe others will play by the rules when this simply isn’t the case, warning that this attitude has allowed a bunch of utter cunts to seize power and take over from the last bunch of cunts before we can do anything about it.

“It is so clear hat we have now put a faction in place - they are not playing by the rules and they don’t intend to play by the rules. If they were playing by the rules they wouldn’t have tried to identify their opposition as criminals,” added Keyes.

Here he was making reference to the recent controversy surrounding the release of the MIAC and Homeland Security reports, which clearly states that Americans who think for themselves, who exercise and are knowledgeable about their constitutional rights are a threat to law enforcement and potential domestic terrorists - the Orwellian prediction of 'thought crime'.

Keyes said that the only solution was from the bottom up because our leaders “are so gutless that they won’t even ask that the Constitution be enforced for clear, plain, absolutely unequivocal requirements,” and respond meekly with “their lips shut and their hearts terrorized that they might lose their trough-guzzling perks.”

Keyes further warned of O’Barmys agenda to create a civilian security force and said it was part of the ultimate agenda to disarm American citizens and create a police state.

Keyes is a shining light in a pall of moral darkness, and a vocal critic of the O’Barmy gang, warning that the bogus President is a radical Communist who is under orders from his Zionist masters to destroy the United States, and that if brain-washed Americans do not get off their complacent arses and wake up to the fact that if this agenda is not stopped then the country as we know it will cease to exist.

Keyes is correct when he quotes the age-old adage of “Just when people decided that things couldn’t get any worse – they did.”

Friday, 24 April 2009

Blood Sporters Boost Tartan Grouse Stocks

Conservationists have released hundreds of tartan grouse into the wild in a bid to reintroduce the birds on that isolated North Atlantic sacred islet - beloved by weather forecast enthusiasts throughout the world – and hated by council tax bailiffs - Rockall.

A total of 300 pairs were brought to the island in February this year after being poached by MacScally Gamekeeping (SA) from the Scottish Isle of Arran.
The female birds will be released after the males have had time to establish territories: by pecking the fuck out of each other.

The last sighting of a tartan grouse on the island was said to be in 1997, when the Conservative party was ousted by New Labour, and the local council, led by the Margrave of Rockall, Squire Desmond MacDunce, (Tory MP for Old Scrotum and Minister for Garden Sheds) went on a vengeful rampage of wholesale ‘scorched earth’ slaughter, beating the heather from one end of the island to another in an act of avian genocide - shotguns a’blazing - to prevent the freshly-elected socialist government from ever deriving sport by hunting the isle’s unique fowl.

This massacre and carnage resulted in the tartan grouse population being decimated to the point of extinction on the island, with several breeding braces shitting themselves and flying off to Arran.
The indigenous Killiwacky bird stocks were also reduced by 50% during the ballistic frenzy, plus the total number of Rockall’s landless peasant beaters shot indiscriminately and wholly annihilated as what was deemed ‘a just reward’ for voting Labour.

The scheme to reintroduce the evasive game fowl is being run by the newly-formed Rockall Tartan Grouse Group, the National Trust for Isolated North Atlantic Crags, and the Rockall Blood Sports Society.

The birds have been electronically tagged so their movements can be tracked by the geostationary ‘Rock-Sat’ weather satellite during their first breeding season on the island, doing away with need for beaters as they can in future be pinpointed, via satnav positioning, then put to flight and have the living shit blown out of them by the lurking shooters.

In 1703, the book Description of the Western Islands of Scotland and the North Atlantic described how the tartan grouse were not allowed to be killed without a permit, under punishment of forty lashes and five years’ hard labour in the island’s guano pit – the same harsh sentence imposed for conviction of gull buggery.

The Rockall Tartan Grouse Society is made up exclusively of Freemasons from the upper echelons of British society, with disaffected peasant fucks and other marginalised useless eaters positively discouraged from applying for membership.

This ruling further excludes all swan-roasting ‘foreign types’ and oil-rich tent-dwelling goat-bonkers with more money than sense.

Conversely all donations and bequests to the society will be gratefully accepted and morons still stubbornly wishing to apply for honourable membership may address their request to the society’s secretary along with a large cheque.

Applicants should be aware that the mandatory rite of passage to earn membership of the society from hereon in consists of an hour in the badger baiting pit – blindfolded and naked –armed with a soup spoon.

Hector MacTwat (Secretary)
Xenophobia Department,
Rockall Tartan Grouse Society,
Laird’s Cottage,
Hall’s Ledge,
North Atlantic. 57*-35’-48” N / 13*-41’-19” W

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Memorial Gardens Vandalised by Trafford Council

It seems quite apt to be writing on this matter of environmental vandalism, authorized and endorsed by our local Trafford council, on actual Earth Day, (22/04/09) to publicly complain, high in oath, mud-splattered and at a full gallop, regarding the wanton destruction – for profit - of a memorial garden bequeathed to the common peasants of Altrincham, in perpetuity, from 1933.

A commemorative stone set in the garden’s lawn bears the carved legend :

This open space was a gift to the people of Altrincham by Henry Shaw in memory of his mother, Mrs. Martha Lydiatt Shaw : 18th January 1933

Located on the north-east corner of the Stamford Street and Barrington Road junction, directly opposite the Old Mill Hotel, and previously juxtaposed on it’s western border by the now-demolished Railway Inn, this once-verdant garden comprised of lawns, shrubs, trees and two splendid mature cherry blossoms has now but a single mature Hawthorne tree standing – the remainder of its former beauty devastated and gone – yet another of Nature’s wards fallen victim to an unscrupulous property developer’s avaricious grasp.

If the garden was falsely sequestered for development in this manner due being classified as an under-utilized green space then the survey must have been embarked upon after dark on a frosty December’s Sunday night .

In the rain-free lunchtime periods - and evenings - of the week, and too in the summer months, it is a most popular green space to relax, even in the midst of the noise and bustle of an adjacent main road. A sanctuary for peace, prayer and meditation.

The current development has fenced off with plywood hoardings a goodly two thirds of the original garden. The shrubs, bushes, trees and two mature cherry blossoms have gone and the garden surface excavated to several feet below its original level and refilled with stone ballast.

The green open space originally formed an L-shaped area of 50 meters on the east boundary and 25 meters on the north boundary – encompassed an approximate total of 706 square meters. Since the scandalous land-grab the remaining open area accessible to the public is now a mere 272 square meters.

The planning permission application for this piece of wanton vandalism reads :

No. H/70261:

Erection of a four storey extension to existing office building, extension of existing car parking area into adjacent open space and alterations to remainder of open space including access ramp, seating, new trees and hedgerow, sculpture and repositioned.

And the beneficiary is ? – the adjacent Spring Bank House, 33 Stamford Street, WA14-1ES – a existing multi-storey office building.

Just what Altrincham requires - yet another office extension.

The town is already in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the most empty offices in the Northern Hemisphere.
A stone’s throw away stands Tabley Court, a pair of huge office complexes spanning Kingsway / Stamford Street across to Victoria Street – both unoccupied and derelict.

(See Victoria Street where a spot of conveniently-timed arson prompted the demolition of a row of functional and period terraced cottages to make way for yet another unoccupied multi-storey shoe box office building (Garden Place) which appears to have been designed by an architect deprived of imagination and vision, apart from the fact he possessed a Lego set as a child, looked through windows and sketched shoe boxes)

It seems a paradox that in this age of Al Bore’s “A Convenient Piece of Propaganda” global warming hoax paranoia, where green spaces are vaunted over CO2-spewing cars, that Trafford Council should decide - topsy-turvy fashion - to bulldoze green open spaces and build further car parks to encourage the use of gas guzzling vehicles belching ‘carbon suicide’.

With a multitude of office buildings such as the afore-mentioned Tabley Court and the newly-constructed Garden Place being wholly empty, coupled to the multitude of vacated and derelict shops in the town’s centre, Altrincham gives the impression it is now as attractive to commercial business interests as a leper colony might be to a couple of honeymooning tourists.

For our EU neighbours, Trafford Metropolitan Borough is located in the grim North West of England, just to the south of mucky Manchester, where the only people not unemployed are the police, JobCentre Plus staff – and the Numpty Dumpty local council officials.
Further, Trafford council’s planning department apparently employs a troop of rock apes working around the clock to consider and approve hair-brained schemes involving environmental vandalism.

The civil engineering contractors employed to expedite the scandalous destruction of Henry Shaw’s bequest are ‘GARIC”, the company responsible for the loosing of the moronic Cro-Magnon Philistines who ripped out of the ground two beautiful mature cherry trees in the full splendour of their Springtime blossoms.

Ignoring the classical architectural credo that ‘form must follow function’, the project is, at best, a scandalous betrayal of trust of the spirit of Henry Shaw’s bequest, made in the name and memory of his mother.

At worst it is an act of negligence wherein council officials have been delinquent in their professional judgment, bordering on moral turpitude and criminal incompetence.

In the immortal words of Shakespeare : “Something stinks in Denmark, and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks”.

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Oz Transport Ministers : Serial Traffic Offenders

In the Australian federal states of New South Wales and Victoria, Transport Minister Kostas Fuctifino has resigned after consistently breaking traffic rules.

His abysmal driving record listed no less than 300 traffic offences - including speeding, running red lights, using a mobile for phone sex chats - and masturbating at the wheel, driving under the influence, one instance of hit and run – and unpaid fines totaling several hundred thousand Australian dollars.

Early on Monday morning, the minister, a former Albanian Pikey car boot pirate DVD vendor, was still convinced that saying ‘sorry’ and paying his outstanding fines would suffice.

However, by the end of the day he resigned after being laughed at by every bugger and their dog, agreeing with Prime Minister Kevin Crudd that he was a walking joke, a liability, and no longer a credible advocate for road safety.

Conversely, Fuctifino, a reformed rhubarb addict who originally entered the cabinet as Minister for Swan Roasting, has accepted a lateral promotion to the less critical post of Minister for Religious Affairs due his recent conversion to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Fuctifino will continue to be able to drive as he has only incurred three points on his licence. The hit and run charge of crashing into a bus shelter full of pissy-arsed abo’s while driving under the influence was dropped by the DPP due the fact none of the victims was wearing a crash helmet or safety belt – and all were too dead to give evidence against him.

Conversely, Queensland’s new Transport Minister Candida Twatrot has been named and shamed by the state’s Daily Shitraker newspaper for being repeatedly fined for speeding since she came to office.

Ms Twatrot, a 17 year-old mother of three, and the MP for Wallmaroo, has incurred five traffic offence fines since she entered parliament in January, with her most recent offence a month ago - for exceeding the speed of light in her Porche 928 S4 on the Brisbane – Cairns expressway.

"I take driving quite seriously when I’m sober and realise my individual responsibility in this regard of being a good example as transport minister.”
"I further realise, though, that this is all the more reason for me to be vigilant and observe the road rules.”
"Hence I will be making an additional effort to make sure I don't drop my guard on driving safely - by keeping my speed trap detector switched on at all times."

Queensland’s Premier Paul Twatrot (no relation) has defended the new transport minister's lead-footed history, informing the press that everyone is human and Candida’s simply a bit of a “clutchy cunt” when she gets behind the wheel.

Premier Twatrot further commented ”We have a demerit points system because people do make mistakes.”

”Now one driving offence is one driving offence too many for any of us - for you - for me - and definitely for the poor hapless peasant down the road who doesn’t know any judges or senior police officials to get the charges dropped.”

”But it's also important to remember that the government is full of stupid blokes and sheilas who fuck up royally and make a few mistakes after a good barbie and a session on the piss – and my sister – I mean the transport secretary – is no different.”

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

UK Budget to Reveal Economic Nightmare

The UK’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is due to issue a Budget statement from his Number 11 Downing Street bunker revealing that the severity of the economic downturn and ensuing recession is likely to be as severe as the one caused by the last Ice Age.

He is expected to unveil that soaring public bail-outs of incompetent banks and building societies have saddled the taxpayer with a debt that if repaid in £20 notes laid end to end would reach the Alpha Centauri star system – with enough cash left over for a three course lunch and a large latte.

Tax rises of 100% and spending cuts of 100% from tomorrow are likely as Darling sets out his plans to screw up the nation’s economy totally – prompting yet another gaggle of bankers and stockbrokers to defenestrate from the upper floors of the City of London’s Greedy Street financial institutions in displays of pants-shitting despair due losing their bonuses yet again.

Meanwhile, the International Monkey Business Fund (IMBF) has admitted it made a mistake when it claimed the UK faced a £200 billion bill for bailing out the nation’s bungling banksters and also the onset of the worst recession since the end of World War Two.

A Treasury spokesman said the under-estimated figure had been issued by the IMBF's Department for Advanced Guessology and was in total error as the amount exceeded £350 billion to date, and the recession was likely to be the worst since the War of the Roses ended in 1487.

Darling took over the Exchequer from Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown in 2007 on his lateral promotion to PM when the former disgraced top dog Tony Bliar pulled a tactical and timely resignation stunt to avoid being heckled out of office by a disgusted British public.

Since New Labour unfortunately came to power in 1997 Darling, a former rhubarb addict, has held the posts of Minister for Social Insecurity and Minister for Transport, both jobs he has managed to successfully fuck up beyond all recognition due his inept performance and unqualified arrogance, with ego far surpassing intellect.

The fact he’s as publicly popular as chemotherapy is reportedly due having his sense of humour surgically removed while supporting the Trotskyist Fourth International in the 1970’s.

Prime Minister Incapability Brown, waffling his customary trademark flannel, told the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette that the Budget will plot a "green" route to economic recovery, with Darling expected to announce the world's first legally-binding budgets for greenhouse gases in an effort to get the UK to cut emissions by an ambitious 1% to 2% by 2055.

Brown further stated the challenge to politicians of all parties was to continue to pull the wool over the eyes of the voting peasantry lest they actually discover the extent of government malfeasance and deceit, kick starting a long-overdue revolution.

A £10 billion aid package aimed at boosting luxury house sales to oil-rich Arabs, African dictators and Third World refugees is expected to include a three-month extension of the stamp duty "holiday" on tents and cardboard boxes costing below £35 for homeless British families which will remain in place until the end of next week.

Tory Shadow chancellor George Snitchborne, MP for Grassers, told the BBC’s ‘Potty Politicians’ programme that estimates of the cost of the bank bail-outs showed the potentially massive cost of Darling's utter failure to understand the first thing about fractional reserve banking or financial derivative investments equating to betting next week’s housekeeping money on a casino roulette wheel.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Greedy Grocer Sales Top £1 Billion per Week

The Greedy Grocer supermarket chain has reported underlying annual pre-tax profits of £300.15 billion, an improvement of 1000% on the previous year.

Its sales topped £1 billion a week for the first time with group sales coming in at £65.4 billion : an amount City of London economic experts and banksters refer to as “lots and lots of fucking money”.

Sir Morton Twatsworth, CEO of the Greedy Grocer group told the BBC’s ‘Grabbing Gits’ consumer issues programme that he was confident the retailer would "continue to maintain its strangulation monopoly even in the current global economic recession".

The Greedy Grocer 2008 -2009 annual shareholders’ statement claims that in the UK it had coped well with maintaining its continuing endeavours to put competitors and small family High Street traders out of business.

It further claims to have managed to increase both the number of customers coming into its stores and the average amount they were spending, due issuing government guaranteed no-limit credit cards to anyone and their dog over the age of eleven.
As the group’s motto states “Every little helps our profits”.

The number of free plastic carrier bags used during the year fell by 50%, due them purposely being moved to the other side of the check-out desks and prompting a gorgonising stare from the ‘green’ cashier if a customer dares ask for one, with their loyalty card being revoked and name entered into Homeland Security’s global warming terrorist data bank.

Conversely, sales of their shitty Third World sweat shop-produced Hessian ‘Bag for Life’ sales increased 75% once the Al Bore 'climate-friendly' autographed edition hit the shelves and patrons cottoned on to the fact they were ideal for shoplifting.

It was further claimed that a quarter of all grocery transactions now went through their new annoying self-service checkouts as long as they were supervised 24/7 by some agile and footsore jobsworth, with only 65% of customers actually kicking the moronic machines to pieces in frustration, and a mere 40% shouting “Fuck it!” halfway through their aggravating check-out process, abandoning their groceries and going round to friendly Scumsburys instead.

The UK retail grocery consumer regulator ‘Scumwatch’ claim the Greedy Grocer attracted customers originally with its stocks of established quality traditional products, got them ensnared with their store loyalty and platinum limit credit cards, then have systematically ceased to stock competitors products, instead filling the shelves with their own crap-brand Greedy Grocer equivalents.

Scumwatch spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gobble told reporters “Their 'Every little helps our profits' motto should be changed to “Conning the debt-ridden public a little more each day.”
“Seriously, our surveys reveal the Greedy Grocer supermarket chain is now the anal sex of British business - people either love it or hate it.”

Fat Gits Causing Global Warming

This week’s Dogwanker’s Review headline reveals that being overweight is bad for the environment as well as your health, according to the results of a leaked survey financed by the Ministry for Wasting Money.

Researchers at the London School for Idiotic Studies found that overweight people were likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions than skinny people because they eat more food and their cars consume more fuel to move the extra weigh around.

The study blamed an increased demand for livestock production for meat, believed to be responsible for 20 per cent of all greenhouse gases due to the toxic methane emitted from the arseholes of milk and beef cattle, porky pigs, chickens – and – fat gits.

The study added that a higher dependency on cars was also a contributing factor. When it comes to food consumption, moving about in a flabby body is like driving around in a gas guzzler.

Morton Scrunt, editor of the Fat Git’s Gazette, claims "The heavier our bodies become the harder and more unpleasant it is to move about in them and the more dependent we become on cars and 4 x 4 mobility scooters – when teletubbies can actually get their obese arses off the couch and go somewhere apart from the larder.”

The study found that ‘slim’ nations like Ethiopia and Sudan consume almost 85 per cent less food than their Western contemporaries due famine, hence produce fewer carbon emissions than a more overweight population, such as the US, where 90 per cent of people have been chronic fat gits since graduating from kindergarten.

The researchers estimated that a lean population of one billion non-smokers on a vegetarian or macro-biotic diet would emit 1,000 million tonnes less carbon dioxide per year than a population of one billion lard-arsed couch spuds guzzling chew n spew fast food crap and swilling down gallons of fizzy soft drinks and Stella Headbanger lager.

In nearly every Western First World country average body mass index (BMI) is still rising regardles of the deepening economic recession. Current EU plans to impose a ‘flab’ tax on fat gits across the European community is conservatively estimated to fill Brussels’ coffers with over £50 billion per annum.

UK PM Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown announced today that he has instructed party whips to ensure all New Labour MP’s adhere to a strict diet to comply with the forthcoming EU legislation, apart from John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott, who has been exempted and labelled a ’hopeless case’.

Monday, 20 April 2009

Soldier’s ‘Lucky Bullet’ Escape

A soldier has been described as "the luckiest twat in the British Army" after a bullet fired by a Taliban Dan Brigade sniper impacted his helmet and went in one ear and out the other, missing his brain by milimeters.

Private Norman “Numpty” Dumpty, 16, a Territorial Army ‘Asbo Regiment’ soldier from Smegmadale, was knocked over by the impact of the shot in Afghanistan.

Pte. Dumpty told the war correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that : “I just ‘eard this whistlin’ sound, then smack – as the bullet ripped an ‘ole in me ‘elmet, went down me fuckin’ ear, through me ‘ead, and out the other ear – and tore another bleedin’ hole in the far side of me ‘elmet.”
“Now I can appreciate being a thick cunt an’ ‘avin’ a brain the size of an effin’ walnut.”

Pte Dumpty was manning an espresso coffee machine during a fierce battle with the elite Taleban Dan Brigade in Helmand Province when he was hit by the 7.62mm AK47 bullet, a spokesman from the UK's Ministry of Illegal Wars and Occupations told reporters.

The father of three was back on duty within an hour of the near-miss, after changing his fouled underpants and with two strips of armoured duct tape covering the entry and exit holes in his helmet.
Pte Dumpty was wearing the standard army Mark 6a helmet, which is constructed from a recycled biscuit tin covered with alternating layers of tinfoil and vinyl wallpaper.

Pte Dumpty's commander, Major Bunny Fuctifino said: "Young Numpty’s a good egg - and a spiffing soldier. He’s very fortunate to have such a minuscule brain and the IQ of a gerbil – otherwise he might have been badly injured – or killed in fact."

Labour Prime Minister Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown was quick to jump feet first into the publicity tub by telling Parliamentary reporters “Pte Dumpty’s the type of soldier this country needs to win its overseas wars – shot through the head and carries on manning his coffee machine regardless. The Tory and Lib-Dem youth movements could learn something from Dumpty’s teenage tenacity.”

The bullet through the skull isn’t Pte Dumpty’s first close brush with the Grim Reaper. In January his parachute failed to open when jumping into the Helmand Province combat zone with him hitting the ground at 120 feet per second, causing mild bruising and a sprained ankle.

During his limping hike to the drop zone’s regroup area he was bitten by a poisonous shit-tailed viper, trod on a land mine, and was attacked by a flock of vultures but came through the ordeal ready for combat deployment grinning like a Cheshire cat.

When asked by the Warmonger’s Gazette what he put such incredible luck down to, Dumpty replied : “I sez me prayers every night before goin’ ter bed.”

Brits Know Ten Recipes by Heart

The average British common or garden peasant can make ten meals from scratch without having to look at a recipe, according to a recent survey carried out by Channel 69’s ‘Pigswill Platters’ programme.

Cheese on toast is the most popular dish in England with 55% of people saying they know the recipe by heart, 20% claiming to have a relative who cooks it on a regular basis, 15% stating they usually phone a friend for advice, with the remaining 10% adamant that it smells like old socks and they’d sooner eat a bowl of ripe dog shit with a crust on.

The traditional egg and chips dinner comes in second place with 54% of the stalwart British public able to prepare it unaided. If this is expanded to a full sausage, egg and chips banquet then 78% admitted they were flummoxed and asked guidance from their mum.

The survey, commissioned by Channel 69’s Pigswill Platters to mark the return of its Clunts in the Kitchen show, involved questioning a mix of 3,000 unemployed peasants and several scores of hoodies living at HM Asbo Central Correctional facility.

However, the survey suggests the average cook is more comfortable tossing trays of ready-made foreign dishes into the microwave than preparing British classics from scratch.

Baked beans is the third most popular dish for cooks to attempt, with 42% saying they can manage to open the can and heat it up without looking at a cookbook or recipe online. A further 65% reckoned they could also toast a couple of rounds of pre-sliced bread to act as the traditional crusty bed for the steaming hot beans.

Some 45% of cooks feel confident they can prepare the classic Italian dish of lasagne if the instructions on the microwave pack are in English.

The research defined a recipe as a main course dish containing three or more ingredients – such as fish fingers, chips, and tomato ketchup.

Only 16% of those aged under 25 could prepare a bowl of corn flakes with milk, compared with 45% of those aged 56 and over who had a fair idea of how to make the traditional and much loved ‘Irish Mixed Grill’ favourite, comprised of boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes and chips.

Conversely a 75% mix of men and women admitted being regular viewers of TV’s ubiquitous Celebrity Chef programmes, with 40% relating they had, at least on one occasion, attempted to emulate the master cooks’ preparations.

Frank McTwat, an unemployed Zeppelin mechanic, related “I got right into it, watchin’ that Gordon effin’ Ramsbottom cookin’ up all kinds of good tasty shit an’ swearin’ at every fucker."
"So I thought “brilliant” an’ got me arse into gear an’ had a go meself – wearin’ a faggy apron an’ a daft chef’s hat – even down to gobbin’ it an’ swearin’ me effin’ head off just like old Gordon.”
“Anyways, I had three pans and the oven on the go at the same time an’ pissed off down the pub for a quick pint an’ a ciggy an’ the effin’ lot got on fire an’ burned me kitchen down. The missus was not a happy woman.”

Virginia Mufitch, presenter of the Pigswill Platters programme, said: "It’s pretty obvious Brit’s prefer to go to the local take-away or the chippy after a few pints in the pub. The more adventurous seem inclined to make the effort and stock their freezers up with microwave ready meals from their local Greedy Grocer outlet.”

The study further revealed British cooks own an average of five recipe books each, usually unwanted Christmas or birthday gifts, or some ‘can’t resist’ bargain picked up at a car boot sale for 50 pence – 95% of which get stuck on a shelf in the kitchen to gather dust.

A startling 38% surveyed claimed to have tried Ray Mears pre-packed ‘Bush Tucker’ roadkill specials on their barbeques but lacked the talents to run their own meals over with a car.

The Greedy Grocer supermarket’s Albanian 'Gyppo' line of oven-ready produce also proved popular for kitchen-shy Brits, with Pikey Pete’s Organic Roast Swan and the microwave Hedgehog Hash topping the sales inventory.

The British all-time classical favourites are listed below :

Cheese on toast (65%)
Egg and chips (54%)
Baked beans on toast (42%)
Greedy Grocer microwave lasagne (41%)
Corn Flakes – with milk (16%)
Fish fingers (38%)
Spam fritters (34%)
Jam butties (32%)
Greedy Grocer 2 for 1 Insta-Pizzas (30%)
Squirrel Curry - take-away (26%)

Source: Channel 69 Pigswill Platters.

* Racial & Cultural Equality Commission footnote : Cheese on toast is an English dish, but known as ‘Welsh Rarebit’ to their Brythonic Celt sheep-shagging Taffy neighbours.

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Israel’s Rabid Regime Ready to Open Pandora’s Box

The Israeli military is preparing itself to launch a massive aerial assault on Iran's nuclear facilities within hours of being given the go-ahead by its newly-installed madcap Nuttyahoo-led coalition government.

Among the steps taken to ready Israeli forces for what would be a risky raid requiring pinpoint aerial strikes are the acquisition of Snitch and Grasser spy drones aircraft - courtesy, as always, of the American taxpayer -and regional air assault missions to simulate the attack – courtesy of Sudan on an aid convoy – whether they liked it or not.

Two nationwide civil defence drills will help to prepare the public for the massive and devastating retaliation that Israel will face once they pre-emptively attack Iran and initiate a Jolly Jihad against themselves and Zionists and Jews around the world involving the combined might of a very pissed-off united Islam.

“The message to Iran is that the threat is not just words,” one senior defence official, Judas Corkscrew, told the Warmonger’s Gazette.
“Israel wants to know that when its forces are given the green light they can strike at Iran in a matter of hours. They are making preparations on every level for this eventuality. Our nukes are stacked up ready at Dimona.”

Western military strategists believe that Israel could be required to hit more than a dozen targets, including moving convoys, while attempting to dodge banks of interceptor missiles and artillery flak.

The sites include Natanz, where thousands of washing machines do the army’s laundry; Esfahan, where tons of canned corned beef are stored in tunnels; and Arak, where a heavy water reactor produces water that weighs a few ounces more than normal tap water.

The distance from Israel to at least one of the sites is more than 870 miles, a journey the Israeli force practised covering in a training exercise last year that involved jeeps, wheel barrows, double decker buses, mountain bikes and pogo sticks.

The possible Israeli strike on Iran has drawn comparisons to its attack on the Osirak milk powder near Baghdad in 1981. That strike, which destroyed the half-built facility in minutes, was completed without Israeli losses and checked Iraqi ambitions to develop its own baby formula industry.

“We would not make the threat against Iran without the force to back it up.
There has been a recent move, a number of on-the-ground preparations, that indicate Israel's usual bully boy willingness to act,” said another over-confident official from Mossad's snitch n spy community.

He added that it was unlikely that Israel would carry out the attack without receiving at least tacit approval from it’s Zionist puppet Barky O’Barmy administration in America.

An Israeli attack on Iran would entail flying over Jordanian and Iraqi airspace, where US forces have a strong presence and can turn a blind eye to any Israeli over-flights.

Ephraim Gam, the deputy director of Tel Aviv’s Institute for Kosher Bacon, said it was unlikely that O’Barmy would approve an attack without some severe arm-twisting by White House Chief of Backstabbing, Rahm Emanuel.
“The American defence establishment is unsure that the operation will be successful. And the results of the operation would only delay Iran's programme by two to four years,” he said.

A visit by President O’Barmy to Israel in June is expected to coincide with the national elections in Iran — timing that would allow the US Administration to re-evaluate diplomatic resolutions with Iran before sanctioning Israel’s pre-emptive ‘first strike’ proposal.

“Many of the leaks or statements made by Israeli leaders and military commanders are meant for deterrence. The message is that if the international community is unable to solve the problem they need to take into account that we will solve it our usual mad dog nihilistic way,” Gam concluded.

Among recent preparations by the airforce was the Israeli attack of a weapons convoy in Sudan, rumoured to be bound for militant seperatist Rockhopper penguins on the Antarctic’s Ross Ice Shelf.

“Sudan was practice for the Israeli forces on a long-range attack,” Rumpled Foreskin, the author of Let’s Blow the Fucking World Up, said. “They wanted to see how they handled the transfer of information, hitting a non-military moving target that was unable to fire back in retaliation. In that sense it was a rehearsal.”

Israel has made public its intention to hold the largest-ever nationwide civil defence drill in May.
Colonel Hi-fiver Sofa told Haaretz, a daily Israeli toilet roll news sheet, that the drill would “train for a reality in which during war missiles can fall on any part of the country without warning - we want the citizens to understand that war can happen tomorrow morning – especially so now we have that lunatic Nuttyahoo back as Prime Minister.”

Israel will also conduct an exercise with US forces to test the ability of Bent Arrow, its US-taxpayer funded missile defence system. The exercise would test whether the system could actually intercept missiles launched at Israel or be like the Patriot system that proved incapable of intercepting sweet fuck all – including the pizza delivery boy’s moped.

Israel, in its customary hypocrite fashion has made it clear that it will not tolerate the threat of a nuclear Iran – whereas the rest of the Middle East, and too Europe and the world, are stuck with reluctantly living under the threat of a nuclear Israel that is governed by the kelev shoteh coalition government of Binman Nuttyahoo, with the certifiable Rabbi Avigdor Lieberman acting as Foreign Minister and chomping on the bit to kick start World War Three by nuking Iran.

According to Israeli intelligence (sic) Iran will have nuclear weapon capabilities within two years. Once they have a bomb it will be too late, and Israel will have no choice to strike — with or without America, an official from the Israeli Ministry of Certifiable Fruitcakes candidly informed the war correspondent for the Cormorant Strangler’s Gazette.

A hypothesis was recently posed focusing on the facts that Iran has now been a fundamentalist Islamic republic for thirty years, since the overthrow of the corrupt US puppet ruler Shah Reza Palaver, and has no lack of funds, due its oil wealth, to pursue military weapons defence (or attack) projects.

Since the break-up of the Soviet Union into satellite state republics – predominantly Islamic and possessing Soviet nukes – and sharing a common border with Iran - precisely how many of their MIRV warheads have been dismantled (twelve per MIRV) and ended up on the illegal arms bourse – and in Iran’s secret stockpile just waiting and ready for the day they are pre-emptively attacked by an illegal terrorist state such as Israel.

What a surprise and smack in the face that would be for Zionist Talmudic arrogance – fail to realise they are opening Pandora’s box.

History, and common sense, indicate that it would be neither prudent nor timely for Israel to engage Greater Persia (plus Russia and China viz the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation) on this issue for they will discover, much to their chagrin and territorial devastation, Iran is no Gaza to be kicked and spat on alike some low caste untouchable leper.

Councils Snooping Powers to be Axed

Councils in England and Wales should not use surveillance powers for minor offences such as targeting gatherings of local anti-Christ Asbo hoodies congregating on street corners and mugging passers-by, the Second Home Secretary informed a reporter from the Expense Fiddler’s Gazette.
Jacqui Smith was speaking as the Home Office launched a review of the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA).

The act allows the council’s Community Support sneaks to use hidden cameras and satellite surveillance to detect crimes such as putting actual kitchen waste into the green recycling wheelie bins, but councils have been accused of targeting minor offences like burglaries or stop and stab muggings.

The RIPA was introduced in 2000 as yet another sneaky tip toe step by step shuffle to usher in the Big Brother New World Order police surveillance state under the excuse it was necessary to fight crime and terrorism more effectively.
The act was later extended to allow local authorities' power-mad plastic plods to use some covert techniques such as peeping through keyholes and down chimneys to secure convictions of benefit fraud against widowed grandmothers claiming welfare benefits for their disabled tomcats.

Defending their position, the local council’s Community Support commander for Smegmadale-on-Sea, Frau Gruppenfuhrer Candida von Twatrot, a former welfare officer at Iraq’s Abu Grahib Prison, told the serious crimes correspondent from the Squirrel Skinner’s Gazette that in one case benefit investigators covertly filmed 95 year-old Gladys Muffitch, a benefits cheat who had claimed £10 in disability allowance payments for her budgerigar by falsely stating it had an arthritic wing disorder and couldn’t fly.

Frau Twatrot further cited the case of 83 year-old Gimpy Mozarella, an Albanian pikey immigrant who acted as a salaried pastor for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster yet claimed disability benefits due only having one leg.
An investigation conducted by the council’s Snitch n Grassers unit revealed he was actually a member of the local athletics club and routinely ran marathons of 25 miles by hopping on his one good leg.

Tory shadow Home Secretary Sir Marmalade Bogbrush told reporters that RPIA had become a ‘snooper’s charter’ and was being abused by local authorities to generate income to cover their capital losses brought about by idiotically investing council funds in dodgy tits-up Icelandic banks and other iffy financial derivative instruments.

The fact they were targeting individuals for such abhorrent crimes of allowing their dogs to shit on the pavement and not potty train them, or not complying with precise positioning of wheelie bins was an absolute abuse of the entire spirit of RIPA.

The Lib Dem shadow Minister for Marmite - Fellatia van der Gobble - told reporters : "Without reform, RIPA will continue to be New Labour’s snoopers charter. Surveillance powers should only be used to investigate serious crimes involving scallies or terrorists and require a magistrate's warrant."

The Local Government Association said its advice to councils clearly stated it was inappropriate to use the powers for less serious matters except in the most unusual and extreme circumstances such as the recent arrest of a homeless man who was living in a tree and shitting on passers-by.

Russia Demands Halt to NATO Exercises in Georgia

Russia is demanding the cancellation of Nato exercises in Georgia saying they are a US-Zionist provocation aimed purposely at what Prime Minister Dumitri Medevac termed “political shit-stirring and games of Western one-upmanship”.

Moscow believes that the planned war games in May "can only complicate further the political and military situations in the region which are a total fuck-up to start with".

The Kremlin’s Red Army spokesperson Igor Crooksky told the military correspondent from Gardener’s Weekly that the plans were "absurd" in the light of tensions with the breakaway Georgian regions of Abkhazia and South Ossetia – which Russia has recognised as independent – as well as violent opposition protests against Georgia’s serial disident burning President Mikheil Sackashit.

“It is a direct provocation conjoured up by the muppet President O’Barmy’s Russia-hating Zionist mind controller Zbigniew Brzezinski – Georgia isn’t even a member of Nato.”
“We will send an e-mail to Nato calling for the exercises to be cancelled, at least for the time being, otherwise our regional military commanders might get jumpy and blast the Nato troops with a tactical nuclear weapon," he added. “Perhaps the same type we are considering selling to Iran.”

Conversely Georgian President Sackashit, a former rhubarb addict and founder of the Tbilisi Halitosis Club, told reporters he wanted to join Nato so their military might could be used to force the breakaway rebel regions of Abkhazia and South Ossetia back under Georgia’s tyrannical thumb.

The exercises, which were announced by puppet master Brzezinski as soon as US President Barky O’Barmy took office in January and appointed belligerent career criminal Hilarious Rodent Clinton as his Secretary of State, will involve about 1,300,000 people from 19 Nato and partner countries and be held at a training centre 20 kilometres (12 miles) east of Tbilisi – with the entire force heading north to Moscow in a mock attack scenario.

Nato spokesman Ghengis Pisspot said that Nato Secretary General Jump tru der Hoop had received a request for a postponement from Moscow but decided it might be good fun to provoke the Russian Bear for a change.

"There is no controversy, no surprise and no connection with the situation in Georgia or in the region," he stressed, adding with emphasis, “However, if the exercise goes well and some of our troops cross over – by accident – into Russian territory and capture the Wankos gas pipeline, well- surprise, surprise. We shall see if the Russians have the balls to stop our advance.”

Saturday, 18 April 2009

O’Barmy Pardons Bush-era CIA Torturers

US President Barky O’Barmy today informed a reporter from the Extreme Rendition Gazette that CIA thugs who used ‘persuasive’ techniques on nasty and evil terrorism suspects during the Bush era will not be prosecuted.

Mr O’Barmy banned the use of interrogation methods such as Auto da Fe and blinding with hot irons during his first week in office but considers scrotum squashing and water boarding to be ‘character-developing rites of passage’.

After receiving a whistle-blowing report from a former Guantanamo Bay welfare officer, O’Barmy has now released a series of memos detailing techniques the CIA was approved to use under the rabid dog Bubba Bush administration.

Rights groups have criticised his decision to protect CIA agents involved in the interrogation procedures which they claim surpass the horrors inflicted on heretics and other Middle Ages non-conformists by the Vatican’s various Inquisitions.

Amnesty International said the Department of Justice was offering a "get-out-of-jail-free card" to individuals who were involved in acts of torture as they collectively claim : ’I was just following orders’ – the tried and tested ‘Nuremberg Defence’

The Centre for Constitutional Wrongs, which has championed the legal rights of the "war on terror" detainees, also expressed its chagrin that some of the Bush administration’s high-ranking arses weren’t going to get skinned and thrown into one of the US’s choice sodomite’s paradise slammers for life – if not longer.

The O’Barmy camp did not say that protection would extend to CIA agents who acted outside the boundaries laid out in the memos, such as Valerie Plame, or to those non-CIA staff involved in approving the interrogation limits.

That leaves open the possibility that the scumbag lawyers who manipulated legal aspects like silly putty in authorising the torture techniques - one of whom is now a federal judge - could yet face legal action – but don’t hold your breath on this.

However civil service insiders claim the O’Barmy administration doesn’t want any prosecutions going ahead, applying the philosophy that once people start throwing shit around some of it inevitably starts to stick to someone else.

O’Barmy’s critics state the move reiterated his previously-stated commitment to end the use of torture by CIA officers, and would protect those who acted within the defined limits set out by previous legal opinion on the use and application of such extreme rendition techniques as the rack, poking with sharp sticks, strappado, boiling in oil, 24 hour listening to The Smiths CDs, watching the X-Factor and force-feeding with McSlug’s Chew & Spew burgers.

Amnesty International analyst Tom Foolery told the Inquisition Weekly Review "These are criminal acts. Torture used to be illegal under American law, it's still illegal under International law. America has been very naughty and is obligated to prosecute the individuals who permitted or performed these acts – starting with the moronic ex-President Dubya and his shitbag VP Cheney."

Mr Foolery said the abhorrent decision to allow the use of pigs in interrogation was reminiscent of the Room 101 nightmare described by George Orwell in his seminal novel, 1984.

The approved tactic - to lock naked and hogtied al-Qaeda terrorist suspects, who are culturally terrified of pigs, inside a cramped cell filled with specially-trained Muslim-bonking porkers high on Viagra – had the suspects confessing to anything their interrogators wanted – including being responsible for sinking the Titanic and burning down the Reichstag.

Royal Families of Europe all Inbred Mutants

A new study by the Institute of Mutantology just leaked to the Daily Shitraker reveals that chronic inbreeding caused the demise of the royal Spanish Hapsburg dynasty, reducing the potency of their DNA to the constituency of minestrone soup.

The Hapsburgs, one of Europe's most powerful royal dynasties, was so obsessed with securing its blue-blooded inheritance through family marriages that it brought about its own extinction through constant inbreeding and not introducing the odd boost of common peasant mongrel genes into the bloodline.

The Hapsburgs are probably best known as supplying all of the formally elected Holy Roman Emperors between 1452 and 1740, as well as rulers of Spain and the Austrian – Hungarian Empire. Originally from Switzerland, the dynasty first reigned in Austria due its monopoly control of imports and supplies of Chinese cocoa, Persian tomcat pelts and Moroccan tortoise polish.

The Hapsburgs ruled Spain from 1516 to 1700, presiding over the first global empire, but died out after generations of swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool, according to this latest genetic analysis report which compares their later descendants to the Adams family.

The moronic European royal fashion of marrying relatives to preserve their reptilian dynastic heritage culminated in a Hapsburg monarch who was so genetically inbred, and such a total wanker, that he was unable to provide an heir and power passed to the equally fucked up French Bourbons.

These congenital defects, both psychological and physical, have served to produce a merry mix of mental midget monarchs, delusional paranoid psychotics and raving psychopaths with the IQ of an autistic hamster.

The physical afflictions affecting the royal houses of Europe to this day manifest themselves as bat ears crying out for otoplasty, piranha teeth, slack jaws, and noses resembling an anteater’s snout. That’s just the visible physical externals.
Let’s not get onto the internal defects such as haemophilia, inherited thyroid deficiency, renal tubular acidosis, epilepsy, premature ejaculation and, conversely, impotency.
If that's Blue Blood, then they can stuff it.

Charlie, the Prince of Wales, a man who, one day, might just be king, holds topical conversations with his fellow veggies and is so bat-eared he resembles a taxi with the back doors open. His grotesque chinless wonder of a sister Anne, aka the Princess Royal, is dentally equipped to eat an apple through a tennis racket.

Mind you, one look at their supercilious and genocidal maniac of a father, Phil the Greek Exterminator, and the origin of their regal pedigree likeness is instantly obvious.

Friday, 17 April 2009

The Dark Side of the Dirty Dubai Dream

It’s a place in the sun for over a million people with any money who holiday there every time the wind blows cold or it pisses down with rain in the inclement Northern climes.
It boasts a host of luxury apartments and villas, attracting rich and shameless jet-setting celebrity scumbags from all over the globe.

But behind the glitz and glamour of Dubai, and other contemporary five-minute wonder economic miracles destined for environmental failure, lies a murky world of exploitation and corruption, and an immigrant work force living on what economists refer to as ‘next to fuck all’.

Hit by the credit crunch and global recession, Dubai's economy has taken a turn for the worse, reliant as it is on tourism, financial services, real estate, drug trans-shipments and sleazy middle-man arms deals.

But those labouring to make the Dubai infrastructure’s Thousand Islands dream a reality, working in shit from dawn to dusk building homes for the mega-wealthy, are facing greater pressures than ever.

A Daily Shitraker reporter posing as a potential buyer, and kitted out with a secret camera sound recording system, met with a company endorsed by celebrities. Footballer Michael Scrunt is a paid ambassador along with England cricketer Jimmie Jackoff and golfer Mad Dan Bittorrent.

A sales representative from The Worst Group, Fellatia van der Gobble, said now was a great time to buy property. She also allayed any concerns about the wellbeing of the company's construction workers as there were plenty to replace any that died or were killed on the job.

“Life’s cheap out here – that’s why it’s so great to do business.” Fellatia stated quite candidly, with only a smidgin of imperialist arrogance in her voice.
“We pay the Third World immigrant workers sweet fuck all really and they’re stuck here whether they like it or not due the recruitment fee loans they took out to buy a job in Dubai. It might seem a savage circle of exploitation, but ‘Hey’ – that’s Life.”

"It's much more difficult to earn some money in their own shithole countries around Asia so people actually save by living in crap company housing, eating cheap slop in the canteen, using our transport and sending their hard luck stories home to their families," Miss van der Gobble added.

It’s the promise of a land of opportunity that’s brought an estimated one million migrant workers to Dubai. Most come from areas of extreme poverty across Asia, from the Philippines to Indonesia, and Pakistan and India to Thailand and Indo-China, where they are easy prey for unscrupulous recruitment agents.

Paying up to £2,000 to ‘buy’ a job and make the trip, the sum often has to be borrowed or family land sold in the belief that within 18 months the debt can be repaid. Stories of people selling a kidney - or their daughters – to raise the recruitments fees are legion.

Regardless of what the recruitment agents promised, on arriving in Dubai they are met with shanty town conditions hidden from public view.

Immigrant Asian workers tell a grim tale. None ever get paid the salaries they were promised by the recruitment agencies, and many can’t afford to eat properly, living on diets of boiled cardboard and recycled palm leaves.

Average salaries for peasant labour are never more than £120 a month. This is for a six-day week, often working up to 12-hour shifts. One company, Exploiters Engineering (SA) paid approximately 30p an hour for overtime.
Dubai's biggest construction firm, Arabshite, was criticised last year for paying its Indian workers in sand.

Hence it is hardly surprising a greater percentage of the female economic migrants, working as domestics and secretaries, moonlight after hours catering to both Arab and Western clienteles with sex for sale at one of Dubai’s many hotel bars or night clubs, such as the Cyclone – informally known as the United Nations of Prostitution due the presence of sex workers from across the globe flogging their gollies for lots of cold, hard cash.

The Rub n Tug Happy Ending massage parlour on Al Raffa Street, located conveniently behind the Al Ghubaiba Bus Station, boasts it can provide their regular discerning- and perennially generous - patrons an athletic ‘hostess’ / masseuse of a different nationality for each visit – all of whom, following the customary brief token back rub, are ready to demonstrate their superbly versed knowledge of the carnal arts.

However, Dubai’s prostitution rackets, like the drugs and illegal arms markets, and blatant gold smuggling, successfully avoid the scrutiny of the religious police and the harsh retributions of Sharia law due the simple fact they’re controlled by the country’s ruling oligarchs.

In this pisspot postage-stamp nation Stone Age laws target journalists reporting stories which negatively reflect the economy or insult the government, imposing massive fines or imprisonment and extreme rendition being a common occurrence.

Persons who’ve had the errant audacity to resort to actual ‘whistle blowing’ normally receive a minimum of fifty lashes before being buggered to death by Bedouin sodomites and dumped down one of the Emirate’s festering sewers.