Sunday, 31 May 2009

Compulsory Disorders can be Fun

Did anyone solve the BBC’s online news’ question yesterday : whatever happened to the Boy who couldn’t stop Swearing? Simple - he grew up into the Man who couldn’t stop Swearing.

Yes, twenty years ago this week chronic Coprolalia sufferer Freddie Foulgob became the face of Tourette’s Syndrome across Britain when a BBC QED documentary about his daily battles with the illness became a national gossip topic.

His involuntary cussing made him an unlikely overnight star, but how has he coped with life since? Well, Freddie claims it’s an affliction he swears by – no pun intended.

When Freddie Foulgob sat down to watch the BBC's QED documentary programme about his condition, “Freddie’s a Loonie”, in 1989, he was a lonely 16-year-old boy with such a severe Tourette’s Syndrome condition that he was too scared to venture outside and tell passers-by to ‘fuck off’ so he stayed indoors and screamed strings of swear words at the cat and budgie - and his stone-deaf Granny.

Viewers of the documentary saw how his uncontrollable foul-mouthed outbursts and violent body spasms denied him a normal life. Some people in his hometown of Smegmadale crossed the road to avoid him and told their children not to play with ‘nutty Freddie’.

But the next day, as he stepped out on to the street to nervously assess reaction to the programme, the same people he had been too embarrassed to face were stopping him just to be insulted and sworn at in person. Some even apologised for not swearing back sooner.

"It was a total fuckin’ transformation overnight an’ me fuckin’ life became so much effin’ easier," says Freddie, now 45 and casting his mind back 30 years to the day his life started afresh. Few lives can have been so transformed by an hour-long television documentary - unless it's about MP's dodgy expenses.

Freddie commenced a daily ritual each morning of washing his mouth out with carbolic soap to help cut down on his verbal vulgarities and took up his education from where he left off after getting thrown out of Sunday School - aged six - for calling the vicar a ‘dog-wanker’ and a 'paedo bumboy'.

"I started to make friends with other Tourette’s sufferers and we started our own football team – the Smegmadale Shitbags. There were a few early problems with the referee’s until we found a ref’ who suffered from Tourette’s also, so then we could eff’ and blind’ at each other no fuckin’ probs – without getting a red card.”

Freddie qualified from Smegmadale University with master’s degrees in the Profanities and in Fluid Dynamics, which led to his employment as a botanical companion hydrator at a local garden centre where he’s worked for the past twenty years.

“The day I was awarded my sheepskins it was like I had proved to people that I wasn't mad and I wasn't a freak.”
“I’d become someone who I'd always wanted to be - a normal foul-mouthed yob. I was so happy I ran home and told me Mum and Dad to fuck off.”

Conversely while society has generally become more informed about the condition, Freddie believes the QED programme inadvertently helped foster a misconception that Tourette Syndrome is about swearing (coprolalia) although this affects only one in ten people with the illness.

Freddie's condition encompasses a whole range of other symptoms, such as echolalia, which is repeating others' words, and sudden, violent body movements.

He has a severe form of obsessive compulsive disorder which he says fucks him up like a soup sandwich. He feels he has to walk on pavement cracks with his right foot and touch lamp-posts with his left hand, and gets up six times a night to check the budgie and hamster cages are locked.

There's an invisible side to the condition also. Freddie was constantly resisting bizarre destructive urges that haunted his thoughts. It could be to throw a pint of Stella Headbanger lager over the landlady in the pub if it tasted like shit, or stick the boot through the television screen when X Factor or Big Brother came on, and beat his local council officials to death every time he goes to the Town Hall to pay his council tax.

However once a clinical psychologist specialising in Tourette’s informed Freddie that each of his urges were quite normal and affected everyone the same, it made them easier to live with – even though normal people resisted carrying their urges out.

Do you ever get the urge to set fire to some large public building? Do you ever fancy going postal and walking into work with a pump action 12 gauge under your arm and blasting away the secretary with the botox tits and chronic halitosis?

Do you ever feel like kicking in your boss’s office door and telling him to go and fuck a pig – then peppering the twat with #4 shot?
For a stress-free lifestyle, don’t even think about it twice – just do it.

For further information on the intricacies of Tourette’s Syndrome visit Freddie’s website at

Crackdown on Foreign Scallies in UK

Britain’s newly-formed SuperPlod Squad is launching a drive to track down wanted foreign fugitives from the global criminal syndicate Renta-Crook, believed to be hiding in the UK.

A preliminary search revealed several hiding in Parliament’s House of Conmans posing as MP’s – where they blended in with camouflage perfection with all the other career criminals.

Another quite obvious bunch, hidden in plain sight, from the ranks of Russia’s K.G.-used-to B, were found to be operating under deep cover personas, posing as the billionaire owners of several UK Premier league football clubs.

A detailed list of foreign scallies believed to be hiding in the UK has been published on the Plod-Squad website – complete with a comprehensive album of photographs of people they might know or have at one time sent Christmas cards to.

Coming in a first place for the ugliest on the scally list is Albanian pikey leper Kostas Backlash, who started out life as an old rope salesman before going into Greedy Grocer loyalty voucher counterfeit fraud and is wanted across Europe for his involvement in illicit swan roasting barbeques.

Irish online pornographer Seamus O’Sodom is on the list’s top ten scallies for the most disgusting list of crimes, and sought by plods on all six continents on charges ranging from marketing ‘penguin porn’ to hamster molesting and aggravated duck buggery.

The Shanghai-born Red-Handed Gang Triad leader Fuk Yew Tu gets a mention under several criminal charge headings – from controlling the shipments and sales of the highly addictive Tibetan Yak-brand narcotic rhubarb - to eyeball twisting and impersonating a light bulb.

Television celebrity outdoors survival guru Ray Mears curiously turns up on the Plod Squad’s most wanted list for ‘loitering with a tent’ while waiting for a bus on the southern outskirts of Bavaria’s Black Forest.

Apparently Mears told German Community Gestapo Support officers he was returning from a camping excursion and when they still tried to impose an on-the-spot fine he told them to ‘go and fuck spiders’ then avoided arrest by disguising himself as a patch of nettles.

Reports coming out of Buckingham Palace relate that QE2’s partner Prince Phillip is ‘fuming’ that his name has been added to the Plod Squad’s ‘Top Ten Most Wanted’ register by anarchist hackers who have labelled him a “Wannabee Pandemic Viral Genocidist” by virtue of his reincarnation fantasies.

The Prince was rumoured to be “royally pissed off earlier this month when hackers gained access to his Wikipedia page and described him as an inbred Greek mutant who’d been swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool.

Anyone with information on foreign – or home-grown - scallies listed on the Renta-Crook register can call Crimecroppers anonymously on 0800 555 111 or complete an anonymous online form at

If you want to get some hapless fucker into trouble then simply leave the name and address of a neighbour you don’t like and we’ll send a couple of Community Support thugs round to break their windows and stamp on their cat.

Friday, 29 May 2009

ADHD Drug Enhances Breast Size – in MEN !

The Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder drug Risperdal used to treat ADHD children is causing grave concern in the United States.

Risperdal, manufactured by pharma’ giant Numpty Drug, is supposed to be used primarily for adults with severe psychological problems – such as members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, certified nutters and sectioned headbangers.

Last year alone it was prescribed more than seven million times by doctors who get a kickback from Numpty Drug for boosting the product’s sales – for such medical maladies as acute bat-ears syndrome, chronic rhubarb addiction, IBS, and, in one instance, an ingrowing foreskin.

However, negative side effects include young males developing female sex organs – breasts and vulvas – with their willies withering away and dropping off.

Nineteen-year-old Dorothy (formerly Billy Bob) of Fort Worthless, Texas, was just seven when he began taking Risperdal for ADHD.

Even though the FDA approved the drug only for adult patients who were raving lunatics, Billy Bob’s doctor and other corrupt quacks widely prescribed it to kids for less severe behaviour problems due the attractive payolas it generated – Hawaiian vacations, honorary doctorates and research grants.

Speaking to the medical correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette, Billy Bob’s mom revealed that once he started taking Risperdal he became aggressive, sleepy, developed severe flatulence problems and appeared more stupid than usual.
“The biggest shock came when he was thirteen and started developing breasts and asked me if he was really a girl. That was when he decided he wanted to be called Dorothy.”

It turned out that Risperdal increases the production of a hormone called prolactin, which stimulates breast growth – a condition known as gynecomastia which is irreversible.

With big pharma corrupting doctors to prescribe any old shit by enticing them with attractive allurements, Risperdal and other so-called “atypical anti-psychotics” have exploded in use.

Hundreds of thousands of kids have been prescribed Risperdal in the 14 years it has been on sale – long before the perfidious FDA actually approved it for paediatric use in 2006.

Conversely Billy Bob (Dorothy) and most of the other children were not psychotic at all, but were given Risperdal for behaviour disorders as mundane as not handing school homework in on time.

Attorney Sheldon Slimeberg is suing Risperdal manufacturer Numpty Drug in a class action suit for those adversely affected like Dorothy.
Slimeberg claims Numpty Drug marketed Risperdal for unapproved uses in male children and downplayed serious side effect risks like diabetes, epileptic seizures – and growing tits.

Fellatia van der Gobble, a spokeswoman for Numpty Drug, refused to give an interview but told reporters from the tabloid gutter press that the breast growth risk is “clearly stated in the FDA-approved” labelling on the Risperdal packs - in Arial font 0:02 micro-print.

The emotional trauma caused by Risperdal in Billy Bob’s (Dorothy’s) case has adversely affected the entire family.
Father, Billy Bob Senior, walked out on them declaring “I ain’t fathered no faggot son with tits!”

Elder sister Peggy Spew, previously a pro' cheer leader for the Fort Worthless Rednecks football team, claims her debilitating liquorice sherbet addiction is directly attributable to the negative psychological impact of ‘Dorothy’ having bigger boobs than her 38CC’s.

As for ‘Dorothy’ herself, she simply wants to get married, settle down and have children – and is fascinated by the prospect of breast feeding.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

Thai Kick Boxing Takes off in Amish Land

All is not well with the Old Order Amish in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania (home to Dracula’s US cousins) since 14-year-old Monty Mennonite the Younger came across what has been later referred to by Church Elders as “The work of the Devil” – an old July 2005 copy of Rolling Stone magazine with a centrefold article on Thai kick boxing.

In the article, resplendant with glossy colour photos, Rolling Stone journalist Dork Stringberger extolled the virtues of Thai kick boxing not so much for its violent aspects but the code of discipline and healthy well-being it promotes as a self-defence martial art.

Apparently Monty the Younger became fascinated and enamoured by the article and used his high school library computers to access the internet for further information of the subject, downloading reams of instruction data.

He and several reactionary Amish school pals set up their own dojo in a remote barn and met several times a week to practice their martial skills and generally kick the living shit out of each other.

While Amish communities usually abide by a strict code of moral observances – their ‘Ordnung’ – that very base trait of human frailty known as jealously often manifests itself even in the most well regulated of societies.

Hence it was that all the boys involved with Monty the Younger’s martial pugilistics were of a courting age and given to tolerable bouts of ‘rumspringa’ (running around) – but their girl friends were getting suspicious of their sneaking off during the week.

Tracking their various beau’s in concert to the outlying barn, the hormone-fired wenches discovered, to their collective delight, a sight they might only behold in their wildest dreams – half-naked muscled sweaty men engaged in physical combat.

Confronted with their secret and threatened by exposure if they refused to comply, the kick boxers were given an ultimatum – the girls could come and watch their practice bouts – or they’d grass them up to the Amish Elders.

As with all of things a secret is only such when known to one – now it was known to a group of amorous gossiping female too.
Word quickly spread and one evening, under cover of darkness, the barn was surrounded by adult members of the community who feared it was the destination for sordid orgies.

It was with only slightly less abhorrence that they learned the true function of the barn’s covert purpose – kick boxing.

While the seasons of rumspringa in maturing teenage adults might be tolerated with forebearance by the community, this was considered an outrage and far beyond the scope of abidable non-conforming behaviour by those soon to be baptised.

In a pacifist society practicing non-resistance and turning the proverbial ‘other cheek’, the martial group of youths were threatened with shunning if this abominable practice did not cease forthwith.

Monty the Younger, as the instigator of this banned ‘sport’ was issued even sterner warnings but the clincher came when it was noted by the Elders his boxing gi’ was fastened with those most accursed and confounded inventions of Satan’s diabolical armoury – ‘Buttons’.

For this unforgiveable offence he was duly excommunicated – and moved to Thailand - where he became a kick boxing champion.

Hmmmm, a violent Amish – almost makes as much sense as a monogamous Mormon.

Holy Land Charity Jailed for School Donations

Shitcan Abu Bonker, 85, and Gaspipe Elastic, 97, were among the five members of the Holy Land Foundation for Relief and Development in Palestine sentenced to decades in prison on Wednesday in good old JFK murder country : Dallas - Texas by presiding Judge Billy Bob Slimeberg.

The men and the Holy Land Foundation itself were convicted in November last year on 10,800 charges, following a circus-like mistrial in 2007 in which the AIPAC-backed prosecutor Sheldon Weisendork failed to convince any of the common-sense goyim jurors that the charity was a front for terrorist funding.

However the 2008 retrail was assured of convictions when the jury was strategically stacked with twelve brainwashed Zionist kikes who didn’t fancy a late night visit from any of Mossad’s high-fiver mass-murdering psychopaths.

Muffy Mohammad, 79, was sentenced to 200 years on three thousand conspiracy counts. Mohammad al Mohhamed, 83, got 150 years for eight hundred counts of conspiracy to support a terrorist organisation - Palestine.

Abcess Boiledegg was sentenced to 250 years for three conspiracy counts – of reading the Koran, eating Iranian figs and wearing a silly gingham tea towel around his head.

The Holy Land Foundation leaders were convicted on charges picked at random out of the New Talmudic Litigator’s Dictionary – ranging from Aggravated Abortion to Zoophilia.

However the group was not accused of violence, but of charitable works (now a Homeland Security classified crime) which included donating funds for schools and social welfare programmes in the West Bank and Gaza which AIPAC and the crooked Israeli government say are controlled by the democratically-elected government of the independent state of Palestine : the political party Hamas.

Hamas was designated a terrorist organisation by the US government in 1995 on the orders of Dodger Bill Clinton’s Zionist masters as they refused to kiss Israel’s land-grabbing bully boy ass.

Conversely the Holy Land charity's thousand of supporters say the prosecution was a kyke-fixed and politically-motivated product of George W. Bush's "war on terror" and a prime example of continuing post 9/11 - 2001 anti-Islamic sentiments and demonisation to justify the Mid-East invasions and continuing conflicts.

Holy Land Foundation leader, Shitcan Abu Bonker, told Judge Slimeberg in Dallas on Wednesday: "We donated to the Palestinians because we cared about the orphans and the schooling – not to help Hamas."

But prosecutor Sheldon Weisendork argued that the humanitarian aid sent by the charity allowed Hamas to divert resources to militant activities.

This prompted Mr. Bonker to speculate in reply “How are ‘Dot to Dot’ or ‘Abdul meets Fatima’ reading and writing books for 5-year-old's supposed to aid Hamas’ terrorist efforts against Israel I ask you?”

Gold-Digger Gets Guinness Records Placing

Barbara Sludge, known to all her networking psychotic social set and sycophant arse-lickers as HRH Lady Sludge, was today awarded a top slot in the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records as the global champion holder of over a thousand directorships – including the chairmanship of the UK Atomic Energy Authority - without knowing a single iota about matters nuclear – except she seems to believe the sun shines out of her own arse.

Married to Sir Morton Sludge, a principal benefactor of the tax-exempt Sludge College of Recycling (University of Smegmashire) Barbie claims to be a dual citizen of the US of A and the UK : by divine right of birth - and marriage.

Formerly Barbie Doll Thomas, a naturally dumb blonde and self-styled Eva Peron look-alike, she received her Bachelor of Tarts degree from the Cajun University of Shitcreek (Louisiana) and Juris Doctor with honours from the Harlem University School of Street Law in New York.

Babs became a partner of the Boston law firm, Jobsworth, Dogsbody and Scumbag - specialising in dodgy corporate financial transactions – while still a teenager.

In 1981, at the age of 16, she was appointed by US President Alzheimer as the youngest ever Commissioner of the US Securities Insider Trading and Coverups Commission and was a founder of its international ‘Whitewash’ division.

She was later appointed by President Alzheimer to establish the Lagos 419 Scam Stock Exchange in Nigeria, in recognition for which she was made a director of the West African Toxic Landfill Recycling Cooperative.

In 1983 Barbie moved to Hong Kong and became a novice teenage wannabee board director of the Triad-controlled merchant bank Samuel Slimeford & Co., returning to New York in 1987 as Senior Paper Shredder at Banksters Trust.

In 1993 she moved to the United Kingdom as the first split-arsed main board director of Screws International and also became a director of the Titworths Food Group, overseeing the rhubarb and custard division.

She became a director of the UK Atomic Energy Authority in 2002 and has been its Chairman since 2004 after she started glowing in the dark following a visit to the Sellafield Nuclear Mishaps plant.

Barbie is also Chairman of the Institute of Tortoise Polishing, Deputy Chairman of Friends of Idi Amin plc., and also Co-Chairman of the UK/US Task Force on Fiddling Corporate Expenses. From 2003-2006 she was Deputy Chairman of the UK-based Council for Tax Avoidance Schemes.

She is a member of the governing body of the Last Ditch Effort Foundation and became a member of the Trilateral Commission in 1997 after blowing international war criminal Henry Kissinger.

She is also an independent director of Messy Ferguson Tractors, Magna Carta International (Runnymede SA), Stella Beercrate NV (Belgium) and the Board of Governors of the Rockall Institute of Laundromat Operators.

As well as chairing the governing body of the newly-formed School for Oriental and African Piracy in Mogadishu, Barbie is a member of the International Board of Overseers for Saint Sodom’s Church of Latter Day Pederasts in Ireland.

Babs is a trustee of the Royal Academy for Name-Dropping, a senior director of the Wallace and Gromit Foundation – and - a Public Member of the International Ethics Standards Board for the Use of Capital Letters.

‘Bulldog’ Barbie Thomas Sludge – BA, JD, VD & Bar, HIV 1, VHS, DVD – married Tory grandee Sir Morton Sludge after he got rid of his first wife in 2001 (rumouredly due the fact she was past her sell-by date) and assumed the undeserved title of ‘Lady’.

Described by critics as a “gold-digging cunt in cunt’s clothing”, Barbs was fondly remembered by a group of former college peers as a control freak and the type of pushy slut who was more ambitious that Hitler, and destined to shag herself into a top job and cushy lifestyle.

One teenage boyfriend recalls her dentistry left a lot to be desired as she could eat an apple through a tennis racket. Asked what she was like between the sheets he confided “Same as fucking a dead fish– frigid - just flapped around a bit – her pussy smelled like a rotting kipper due some vaginal fungus thing she’d caught from sharing dildo’s at college.”

Other old school contemporaries were more critical and related Barbie suffered repetitive ‘blonde moments’ and hated her sobriquet of ‘old shit-for-brains’ and being labelled a ‘know-all name-dropping twat’,

Husband Sir Morton Sludge, knighted by ex-Conservative leader John Minor for some reason nobody seems to remember, told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “I’m elated Babsy’s got a Guinness record placing as she likes to collect directorships and titles like other women harbour cheap bling.”

“Name a board and she is on it; find a charity and she’ll be associated with it.”
“Mind you, on the QT – up close and confidential – all her directorships are, in essence, jobs for the girls - a triumph of ruthless networking and lobbying – and lying on her back – legs akimbo.”

Inevitably, her achievement in taking on so many roles has brought controversy in its wake: how does she get all these posts, does she deserve them - and can she possibly be doing so many jobs with scrupulous competence and keep a shame-free face for the stipends she’s banking from each?

Questioned how his wife could perform any of her executive duties efficiently with holding so many directorship appointments Sir Morton replied, in true Tory fashion : “Is that relevant?”

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Major Chew n Spew Goes All-Out Halal

Household brand name chew n spew fast food chain KFC is trialling halal and kosher meats in certain restaurants, but some Muslims and Shylocks say it hasn't been killed in the correct Islamic or Jewish manner.

So Pox News religious correspondent Fellatia van der Gobble asks when is halal meat not halal meat and what’s what in the kosher brochure?

KFC may claim its food is "finger lickin' good", but until recently orthodox Muslims and some diehard Kykes have seen a problem with it.

Now KFC is trialling halal meat - meaning it has been killed in accordance with Islamic dietary laws - in eight of its UK restaurants.

But the trial has sparked a debate over what is and what isn't halal, with some Muslims boycotting the restaurants because they say the meat has not been killed correctly – with one teenage Muslim martyr from Smegmadale’s Semtex Central Madrassa blowing up a local KFC outlet with a suicide bomb after they included Mexican Sneezy Pig burgers on their menu.

However the issue now is whether meat can be halal if it has been slaughtered using mechanical methods - such as roadkill – or twatted with a baseball bat.

Traditionally, halal meats are killed by hand and must be blessed by the person doing the job – the holy butcher. But some devout Muslims say a mechanised form might now be acceptable as long as the machine operator is a qualified Mullah and not some greasy heathen infidel.

The meat is traditionally prepared by slaughtering the animal by a quick chop to the neck with a sharp machete to allow all blood to drain from the animal – just the same as when the Jolly Jihadists are beheading Western hostages on television in Iraq.

However one Smegmadale abattoir that supplies KFC has come under fire for employing an out-of-work Christian vicar to operate the mechanical head-hacker on its chicken snuffing machine – even though he was singing hymns and giving the birds Last Rights – with the processed carcasses being condemned by KFC’s resident Mullah as ‘haram’ – the very negative and exact opposite of halal.

Regardless of whether chickens or fish have been slaughtered in accordance with the stipulated religious requirements would you eat anything that’s covered in feathers, lays eggs and flies through the air squawking - or – pisces aquatus edibilous - swims underwater and breathes through slits in the side of its neck?

Transvestite Soccer Nuns Deported

The shit-for-brains transvestite British members of a Smegmashire football club, who were arrested while dressed and posing as nuns in Crete, are back in the UK.

The men said they were - embarrassment besides - relieved to be home after arriving at Smegmadale Sands International Airport under the cover of darkness.

Seventeen members and former members of the Friendly Faggot Athletics Soccer Club were arrested and held for three days by Greek police, and then taken to court in Malia still wearing their Catholic penguin fancy dress outfits and saucy lingerie.

They were accused of misrepresenting a uniform and taking the piss out of the Catholic faith but the charges were dropped and the case dismissed after the Malian judge, clerk of the court and entire jury were unable to stop laughing at the defendants.

The men found themselves facing charges of "causing a scandal by provocative acts - and misrepresenting a uniform" when the religiously-themed costumes caused a stir on the predominately Greek Orthodox Catholic island.

Club chairman Arthur ‘Call me Dolores’ McScrunt said: "We're very relieved to be home. The prison facilities were horrendous and they stuck us in a male community cell with several convicted rapists and sodomites - still dressed in our fetish convent gear.”

Fortunately the British embassy in Athens heard of their plight and diplomatic staff visited the prison in Malia for a bit of a laugh with the Thomas Cook tour operators, and secured their release and repatriation – albeit with a Crete court order in force that the team had to travel back to the UK in their nun’s habits in what was viewed a fitting punishment for offending the Catholic sensibilities of Malia’s inhabitants.

Speaking to Pox News from Crete on Tuesday the 96-year old McScrunt strongly denied any of the party was on drugs at the time.

“We were all slightly pissed up from the beer-swilling session perhaps and it was definitely poor judgement on our parts to show a leg and do a quick flash for the patrolling police car while wearing the sexy convent gear.”
“It was all okay until one of the cops stuck his hand up Big Frank’s habit and felt a pair of hairy bollocks – that’s when they called back up forces and arrested us.”

The men were taking part in their annual trip, started in the 1960s by the Monday Club league team, which raises funds for the Smegmadale-based charity ‘Sexually-Confused’.

In previous years the team members have dressed up as St Trinian's schoolgirls in Portugal, luscious ladyboys on their Bangkok tour, as Hula dancers while in Hawaii and garbed in full burkhas on a Dubai visit – where two team members were buggered by randy Tuaregs.

For the past several years the Crete seaside resort of Malia has become synonymous with Britons behaving badly and it has been awarded the dubious "Asbo party central" crown previously held by rowdy resorts such as Baghran in Afghanistan’s Helmand Province and Somalia’s riotous centre of buccaneering revelry – Manky Mogadishu.

Pravda Rake up Fake US Moon Landings

Russia’s best-selling state propaganda gutter press tabloid news sheet goes into shit-raking mode this morning by stating there’s something very wrong with all the various US space flights to the Moon.

The legendary space missions are still shrouded in controversy and Mankind, to this day, has a number of valid reasons to cast doubt on the miracle of inter-planetary flights.
A legion of skeptics - including the ones who don’t watch television and on occasions display random bursts of common sense - claim that US astronauts have never landed on the Moon – or anywhere near it.

In 2007 Japan’s Fugu One lunar orbiter took mobs of pictures of the site where Apollo 11 supposedly landed in 1969.
If the astronauts had ever landed there, they should have left a lot of equipment on the site, including their outdoor crapper, radio masts and antennas - and the lunar rovers, on which they traveled over the moon’s surface – plus the ubiquitous Stars and Stripes flag.

The the high resolution / telescopic lens pictures, which the Japanese orbiter took, showed not even the slightest hint of the US presence on the Moon – just hundreds of pockmarked craters resembling the spots on Amy Winehouse’s bottom.

Further, there was only an empty family-sized Shakey’s Pizza carton seen on photographs of the site where Apollo-15 is supposed to have landed at the Hadley Rille site in 1971. The carton, NASA claimed, was conclusive evidence of Apollo 15’s presence on the Moon.

However, Pravda’s critics were quick to point out it was only conclusive evidence that someone had eaten a Shakey’s Pizza on the Moon.

Conversely, the super-skeptic’s cadre threw yet another wrench into the works of rhetoric and logical progression by stating the obvious : there was an empty pizza carton on the moon – which could have been deliberately planted there – or left by alien visitors.

It is an open secret that the Moon’s entire surface is covered with a thick layer of dust due nobody ever bothering to clean up.
US astronauts Neil Smellstrong and Buzz Lightyear took many pictures of their footprints on the Moon’s surface.

Waldo Kipper, a dedicated X-Files fan and researcher of lunar and Martian anomalies, has many questions about the evidence, which the lunar dust provides.

A number of photos taken by Neil and Buzz with their Kodak Instamatic showed their lunar rover standing at a distance from the landing module. There are no wheel tracks seen on the pictures – as if the rover had been levitated – or carried - from the moon lander to the site where it was photographed.

One may assume that the lunar ground was too hard for the wheel tracks to appear in it. However the astronauts boot prints abound in the dust around the rover. They can even be seen even underneath the rover, although there are no wheel tracks on the ground at all.

This only adds to the lunar landings controversy and fuels the skeptics arguments that no fucker – or their dog – have ever landed on the moon and that the entire missions were a fake to make Tricky Dickie Nixon look good and to exaggerate their success and baffle the US’s major rival in the space race - the USSR – and really piss off Brezhnev and the Russian leadership.

One recurring and persistent stock rumour - circulated and maintained by the anti-Semitic forces of Pan-Islam – which originated from the Johnboy Pollard School of Ultra-Secrecy in Tel Aviv – claims the sham lunar landings were all a Shylock plot to claim the Moon for a Zionist land-grab – the same as Palestine.

According to hoax proponents, the U.S. government benefited greatly with the awe and thrall of the counterfeit lunar landings providing a popular distraction from the Vietnam war.
However, lunar activities suddenly stopped, with planned missions cancelled, around the same time that the U.S. ceased its involvement in the Vietnam War and got the fuck out of Saigon faster than a rat out of an aquaduct.

Thus with the essence of the Indo-China debacle rearing its ugly head yet again in the form of the growing military quagmires of Iraq, Afghanistan – and now Pakistan – perhaps NASA might shortly be announcing a programme of manned space flights to ? – Mars? – the Twelfth Planet Nibiru? – or simply Never-Never Land – piloted by Peter Pan and Tinker Belle – to divert the attentions of the gullible voting masses from the impending calamity and disgrace of the US getting beaten yet again by a bunch of ill-equipped Third World peasants armed only with an adequate measure of stoic determination to kick invading foreign aggressors out of their homelands.

FARCE Celebrates 45th Birthday

FARCE, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia insurgents, are celebrating their 45th anniversary, making them the oldest insurgent force in the world - and, despite recent setbacks, still one of the strongest.

Members of FARCE are motivated neither by religion or ethnicity. They are a throwback to the 1960’s, when Cuban-inspired communist insurgent groups sprang up in Central and South America to overthrow the established dynasties of corrupt oligarchs and create their own Utopian reigns.

However, their neo-Marxist idealism was quickly seduced by materialism and capitalist greed and all they generated were states of chaotic Dystopia.

They have recently taken a battering, reduced from almost 16,000 fighters strong in 2002 to only 8,000 not-so-strong, with a record 3,000 deserting ranks in 2008 and signing on for unemployment benefits at Jobcentres across Colombia after the global recession and bank collapses devastated their medical and retirement pension plans.

Last year their founder and legendary leader, Manuel "Shitpot" McScrunt, aged 99, died of a heart attack after sampling a couple of lines of Colombia’s Finest 100% grade from their seasonal rhubarb harvest.

Two other members of the FARCE’s ruling body, the Secretariat, were killed last Christmas – one, Slimeo Corruptioni, when he pulled a booby-trapped Xmas cracker at a party and got blown away - with another, Numpty Decapitato, murdered by his own bodyguard, who cut off his head to show the authorities and claim a reward.

Yet FARCE are far from defeated. They have new leaders, including a bespectacled and bearded anthropologist known by the alias Donny Dildodo, long the movement's ideologue, a committed Marxist Mugabeist and hardliner who limits himself to a couple of sniffs of their own potent hallucinogenic rhubarb product per day – for medicinal purposes only.

He has now established his control over the movement, since the deaths of Corruptioni and Decapitato last Xmas, and delivered a new strategy for the rebels, called Oplan Snort.

Under Dildodo’s stewardship the rebels are trying to move away from their peasant roots and project themselves into the global drugs bourse, aided by training from international project management group Price, Waterbed, Gropers - and public relations specialists such as PR guru Max Cluntford – the man who made Jade Goody look a bigger slag than she already was – and glamourised the 'CUNT’ in the UK’s much-maligned town of SCUNTHORPE.

Today’s FARCE birthday message on the front pages of newspapers across the world, and their own website, celebrating their 45th anniversary, was defiant and optimistic.

Whilst FARCE are ultra conservative in their doctrine and tactics, they have proven themselves to be adept businessmen, latching onto the drugs trade and taking their cut from all the links in the narcotics chain, from the rhubarb growing fields up to the vacuum-packed bricks of refined rhubarb that are smuggled from Colombia's shores at a rate of over 600,000,000 tonnes a year.

Colombia could not have been designed any better for an insurgent force. It has three mountains ranges that trisect the country, with the lower levels coated in dense jungle - and inhabited by even denser peasants – ideal for growing the narcotic rhubarb plants.

Like the Taliban in Pakistan and the Vietcong in California, FARCE use the border regions, mostly impenetrable jungle, to rest and recuperate, plan attacks and order supplies and weapons from Wal-Mart online - all out of reach of the lazy-arsed brain-dead Colombian security forces.

Hence the money from their narcotic rhubarb trade continues, whereas the tax revenues the state needs to keep the US-backed military machine on the offensive are shrinking thanks to the Bilderberger’s New World Order instigated global financial crisis.

Thus FARCE can safely celebrate their 45th anniversary secure in the knowledge that it will not be their last – as long as rhubarb remains the narcotic drug of choice and public officials remain open to bribery and corruption – and custard remains freely available on supermarket shelves.

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Nuke Hypocrites Slam N-Korean Bomb Test

The incumbent US Kenyan-Hawaiian hybrid President Bozo O’Barmy today made the wholly useless and sycophantic political gesture of assuring Japan and South Korea of US defence support following North Korea's nuclear test – as if to imply the Nor-Kor’s are intending to nuke Seoul and Tokyo tomorrow.

Mind you, the Japanese have been understandably nervous about possible terrorist state nuclear attacks since the US dropped two very nasty bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki without a mere hint of warning or – ‘by your leave and thank you’ - back in 1945 – simply to see how much damage they’d do to a populated city.

Nor-Kor might be governed by their most eccentric Dear Great Leader – Kim Mah Jong – however he’s never given any indication of being hell-bent on illegally invading anyone else’s sovereign country via false flag attacks or concocted WMD terror tales simply to steal their natural resources – like the US did to achieve it’s Project for the New American Century agenda in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Late on Monday the UN Security Council strongly condemned Pyongyang for developing the technology to blast the living shit out of aggressors – and making a big hole in the ground.

The UN Security Council is composed of five permanent members — China, France, the Russian Federation, the United Kingdom and the United States : all of whom are nuclear powers, and one – the US of A – the only member of the UN to have actually used nuclear weapons against civilian targets in warfare.

So much for selective consciences and duplicitous codes of morality. They simply don't want nasty North Korea joining the club

UN diplomats have begun drafting a resolution to punish the communist state by issuing further sanctions to deny imports of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles but North Korea appears unfazed and doesn't really give a flying fuck about what they do.

The UK's Ambassador to the UN, Sir Jarvis Scumford, explained that the Council had decided to act in two stages, first issuing a statement stating the Nor-Kor’s were “very, very naughty” and sending one of the UN’s new Community Support Officers round to the Dear Great Leader’s house in Pyongyang to impose an on-the-spot fine.

“Secondly we decided to start work immediately on a further Security Council resolution in order to uphold the international peace and security in the region and will be invading Pakistan tomorrow afternoon – just after tea."

Monday's blast, in the remote mountainous Punkrok area, was estimated to have been what international seismologists termed “a fucking big bang” and to have the power of an 8.5 magnitude earthquake, and appeared to have been much more powerful than their last nuclear test in October 2006.

So Kim and his Generals have made their point – yet again. They have nukes – and their kimchi warhead missiles – and aren’t afraid to use them.
Hence the paranoid Western hypocrite brigade now go on the propaganda warpath demonizing the Nor-Kor’s for a change and giving Islam a breather.

Pox News is busy getting the message out – North Korea is a threat to world peace and regional stability – and the people who control the US of A – and Europe - the ones who own and pull the strings of the banks, media – and government – the Zionist Israelis – are shitting kittens that they’re not in control of the situation and a Nor-Kor nuke might just turn up at a Palestinian car boot sale.

But that’s the propaganda angle. As Mark Twain once stated : “A Lie can travel halfway around the world while the Truth is putting on its shoes.”

While Russia and the Middle Kingdom might tolerate Western posturing and sabre rattling against the Nor-Kor’s they will not for one nanosecond allow her sovereign integrity to be compromised by the West – even at the threat of all-out war .

And that is where the line gets drawn in the sand and woe betide any Occidental hawk who dares cross it. A pity the Western hawks simply do not understand the Korean mindset.

They are, after all, of the same race as the stalwart Chinese – and descendants of Ghengis Khan. Faced with nihilism they believe anarchy’s not so bad an option.
Conversely, faced with a New World Order invasion and conquest, perhaps nihilism’s not so bad an option after all.

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Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Conspiracy at a Glance

Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic. A newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Zionist lobby

Psycho Krauts Given ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ Card

The Germany government has discontinued an investigation into the circumstance surrounding a soldier who killed an Afghan woman and two children last year, citing the innovative and novel excuse of ‘Murder by Fright’ as just cause for slaughtering innocent civilians.

The unnamed staff sergeant (Heinz Dorkfelder) from the 350th Military Psychopaths Battalion killed the mother and her two kiddies in a hail of bullets on August 28, 2008, when he opened fire at them from behind in the town of Kuntrut, reported Der Shitraker Online.

He claimed that he was frightened of being attacked and therefore decided to act pre-emptively against the Afghans, although the woman and children were pushing their supermarket trolley in the opposite direction to the German checkpoint.

At the time, the Kuntrut Chief of Police and Security, ‘Big Al’ Qaeda , blasted the Germans for being a bunch of trigger-happy morons. Nevertheless, German authorities decided that the fact that the soldier was frightened and had shit his pants justified his attack.

The soldier's attorney, Berlin lawyer Klaus Klunt welcomed the decision, as it was "an important signal to German troops in Afghanistan," who now have a de facto immunity to shoot first and ask questions later, in whatever circumstances that they see fit.

Bravo and Hooray : yet another first for Western democracy.

Since the 2001 illegal invasion of Afghanistan by the US and its grasping blood-thirsty neo-colonial allies, ostensibly to ‘liberate’ the Afghans from the tyranny of Taliban Dan and play ‘hide and seek’ with Osama bin Laden and his Jolly Jihad mujahideen, tens of thousands of Afghan civilians have been killed by the gung ho psycho’s comprising the occupation forces.

Sagacious observers, displaying at least one ounce of common sense, calculate the resulting resentment for this unjustified slaughter has boosted the resurgence of the Taliban - whose ranks are being regularly reinforced by those seeking revenge after losing their friends and relatives to their Western 'liberators' gun-happy headbangers.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Wanna Drink? – Get in the Queue

A troop of monkeys working around the clock at the prestigious Smegmadale Institute of Advanced Numptynomics for the UK’s moronic Oldham Council have come up with their most stupid idea since the last stupid idea.

Inspired by the latest EU guidelines on sheeple control and how to make the common or garden landless peasants sit up and beg – and say ‘Woof’, Oldham Council have decided to adopt a scheme whereby pub patrons must now queue up for their drinks a la Royal Mail post office style and wait until they are called – “Barmaid number three please.”

Barriers similar to those used in shops and government offices will be installed to keep customers in line – and to lean on if totally pissed already.

All so pretty Polly politically-correct – “Yes please” and “Thank you” – and utterly effin’ boring. What will our Nanny state / Big Brother wannabe masters introduce next on their mind control agenda.

Thus drinkers in pubs are henceforth to stand in a queue and will be banned from ordering more than two drinks at a time – to curb binge drinking – plus not be allowed to drink while standing in said queue.

Reminiscent of the Ancient Mariner’s cry of “Water, water, everywhere – and not a drop to drink” perhaps. A global warming panic dehydrating the boozing population at an evaporatiion rate so rapid that it can only be measured in nano-sec’s – and all a thirsty boozer can get is a couple of pints at a time – then queue up again.

Really, this idea is going to catch on like enrolling for a trial course of chemotherapy or volunteering for community service work in a leper colony.

Fellatia van der Gobble, of the British Beer And Pub Association told a reporter from the Pisshead’s Review 'We have minor issues with tackling problem drinking but this is not the way to go about it.”

'These measures are costly, unnecessary and totally disproportionate at a time when around 40 pubs are closing every week up and down the country.”
'People aren't going to want to drink if they have to queue up as if they're in the post office –then ask for a book of stamps in mistake for a pint of Stella Headbanger lager.'

“It’s the alcoholics I feel sorry for – if they have to buy their beer by the pint pot measure and not the usual bucket full.”

Under plans drawn up by the ‘Fucked-in-the-Brain’ party-controlled Oldham Council, all 22 pubs in the town centre will have to comply with the new rules or risk having their licences revoked.

Oldham council licensing committee member Derek Moron said: 'There would have to be some form of barrier so people couldn't push past - either a rope or perhaps something stronger – like barbed wire or an electrified fence.”

Most variations of this kind of futile attempt to curb binge drinking involve restrictions on opening hours. Oldham, however, thanks to help from the Institute of Advanced Numptynomics’ monkey think tank, has come up with its own ideas and is understood to be the first authority in the country to propose such an idiotic and squirly system.

Alfie McScrunt, a sixteen-year old regular at Oldham’s town centre Asbo Arms told a reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “A gang of us come up ‘ere every effin’ day fer a few pints of Headbanger an’ sum council twat’s gonna tell us we’ve gotta queue up fer a pint an’ we can’t buy a round like, or get more than two pints at a time. Dream on bollocks- it ain’t gonna work.”

Conversely Gladys Dunce, a 97-year old pensioner and daily happy hour regular at the town’s Pig and Whistle lap dancing bar, told the media 'It would be the end of buying a round but there have been fights and stabbings and it's not right that an elderly widow like meself going out for the evening has to worry about being attacked by some chav yob at the bar and have to carry this here sawn-off shotgun with me fer protection.'

Would you queue up for a pint of your favourite tipple? Have you ever queued up in an Oldham post office? Do you even know where Oldham is? Do you really want to know?

Fill in our online questionairre below and we’ll send you a free “Go to the head of the queue” badge – guaranteed to get you a good kicking in any British pub.

Irish Church ‘Sorry’ for Paedo’ Priests

The nine-year long inquiry originally set up to investigate a sixteen centuries-long period of child abuse at Catholic institutions across Ireland has found that church leaders – from the past prelates of Ireland itself up to the Vatican and Holy See - were fully aware that homosexual abuse was "endemic" in boys' institutions – with some senior Catholic officials even arranging to spent perverted ‘shag-a-choirboy’ vacations there.

It also found the physical and emotional abuse and neglect aspects were the major features of these institutions for attracting legions of sadistic pederast priests and secular workers.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Ireland, Cardinal Sean McFaggot, said he was "profoundly sorry and deeply ashamed that children suffered wrecked rectums in these institutions before the advent of KY jelly.”

The nine year / five-volume study conducted by the Office of the Inquisition concluded that church officials encouraged ritual beatings and consistently shielded their orders' maggot faggot paedophiles from arrest amid a "culture of self-serving secrecy".

It further discovered that sadistic government inspectors frequently joined in the chronic beatings, rapes and revelled in the children’s sexual humiliation.

Deplorably more allegations were made by surviving victims against the Christian Bumboy Brothers than all the other male orders combined.

The report reveals that girls supervised by orders of nymphomaniac nuns, chiefly the Sapphic Sisters of the Sacred Strapon at Bally Merkin in County Dyke, suffered frequent lesbian sexual abuse in the name of worshipping their patron - Saint Sappho of Lesbos.
The Mother Superior of the convent, Sapphi Dildodo, was excommunicated in 2007 for acts of gross lechery with young novices in her charge.

The leader of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, the Most Reverend Vincente Montbonk, said those who perpetrated sexual abuse should be held to account, no matter how long ago it happened and called for the posthumous excommunication and stripping of the sainthood from one of Ireland’s most famous Catholic faith missionaries – and habitual boy bonker – St. Sodom of Sligo – and the demolition of his St Sodom’s Church of the Latter Day Pederasts.

Sadly, and too scandalously, the report’s findings will not be used for criminal prosecutions - in part because the Christian Bumboy Brothers successfully sued the commission in 2004 to keep the identities of all of its sphincter-rupturing corrupt members, dead or alive, unnamed in the report.

Texan Takes Crap on Royal Bog

Queen Elizabeth has ordered the suspension of a chauffeur (by the balls) after a troop of rowdy and drunken Texan tourists gained access to her private quarters at Buckingham Palace while she was out shopping for summer sales bargains at a Skidrow Hamlets 'Quid-Stretcher' shop.

A palace spokeswoman told the Daily Shitraker that an investigation would be carried out into allegations that royal chauffer Benny McScrunt, a rehabilitated rhubarb addict, was paid £1,000 to give the Texans a grand tour.

Apparently McScrunt had been moonlighting as a chauffer-driven limo’ at Heathrow Airport in the Queen’s personal ‘state occasions’ Bentley after dropping her and husband Phillip off on her shopping trip at Skidrow Hamlets in London’s east end.

As Her Majesty and Phillip planned on having a few pints at a local pub later, followed by Phillip’s favourite kebab supper - then intended to catch a bus back to Buck’ Palace – McScrunt thought he was safe earning a few quid extra on the side and wouldn’t be missed.

The arriving Texan tourist group were attracted by the black Bentley’s royal coat of arms on the rear doors and fluttering bonnet pennants, and hired McScrunt for an excursion around the city – while downing copious amounts of booze from the on-board bar’s liquor selection.

On learning their driver was actually one of the royal chauffeurs the group bribed him into taking them on a clandestine tour of Buckingham Palace via the back door.
Household guards and security didn’t give a second glance to the returning Bentley, nor could they view the imposter passengers due the smoked glass mirrored windows.

McScrunt parked in the underground garage then sneaked the Texan tourists into the Queen’s private quarters via her personal elevator – where they commenced a video and photo shoot session of each other sitting on the throne, trying the royal crown for size, juggling with the orb and sceptre, playing ‘trampolines’ on her regal four-poster bed, and finally getting caught in the act when the Queen returned home unexpectedly and discovered a hairy-arsed redneck squatting on her imperial lavatory taking a crap.

In recent years there have been a number of high-profile royal security breaches, as in 2003 when the Daily Shitraker reporter Leftie Wright spent two months working undercover as a Buckingham Palace peasant flogger and managed to photocopy Prince Phillip’s prescription for haemorrhoid medication.

The same year comedian Aaron Barkshit set off six alarms and appeared on CCTV several times without sparking a response when he gate crashed a royal Ann Summers lingerie and sex toys party at Windsor Castle.

Last Christmas the UK’s celebrity anarchist graffiti artist Wanksy stole into Balmoral Castle while the Queen was in residence and painted “Phillip’s a Prize Twat’ across the battlements’ masonry in three meter high day-glow fluorescent orange letters.

One unconfirmed rumour reports the Queen as having ‘gone ballistic’ over the intrusion, kicked two of the royal corgis up the arse and bawled out the head of security with: “It was bad enough having that shit-for-brains Texas moron Dubya Bush here, never mind a truckload of his redneck mates!”

Sunday, 24 May 2009

Weekly Skewed News Roundup

A sound slap on the wrist this week for the Greedy Grocer – ‘and’ the Grotty Grocer supermarket chains from the UK’s Foods Regulatory Board concerning the amount of water they’re injecting into fresh meat products to bulk the item’s weight – and too their own disgusting profits.

This reprimand came following a legion of complaints from both housewives and restauranteurs that fresh (sic) beef, pork and meerkat meat products (to name but the standard British kitchen basics) shrank to half their original size during cooking due the evaporation of the huge volume of water injected into the flesh.

Several complainants questioned – tongue in cheek – if the animals had been slaughtered by approved methods in an abbatoir or actually died from drowning.

US President Barky O’Barmy started singing a totally different tune this week after his meeting with Israeli coalition Prime Minister Binman ‘Bully Boy’ Nuttyahoo and is now back on track telling the Pentagon to get ready for the big bad Iran attack on their nuclear facilities – and the Palestinians to ‘go fuck themselves’.

O’Barmy’s earlier pre- meeting Bolshie comments to the media of how he was going to force Nuttyahoo to kiss some Yankie ass, sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty then disarm their nuke weapons arsenal – and come to a satisfactory peace accord with the Palestinians in setting up their promised homeland - all seem to have been more at scent than substance, leaving O’Barmy & Co on their knees kissing some Zionist ass – as per usual.

Nuttyahoo told reporters following his meeting with O’Barmy “I sorted his bleeding heart Liberal ideas out for him. This is what happens when you give these Third World kaffir types a bit of an education – they think they’re smart and get dangerous ideas.”

Still with the US – the Department for Education & Advanced Numptyism has decided – at long last - to officially adopt a four-vowel alphabet with 25 letters.
Hence the letter ‘U’, long abandoned in the American spelling of the good old Queen’s English in words such as labour, honour, rigour - and a legion more – will now be stricken from the Library of Congress record.

Professor Myron Fuctifino, head of English Language at the Harvard University College for Dyslexial Texan Twats told the semantics correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette that the last Americans to demonstrate full and articulate useage of the letter ‘u’ were Thomas Jefferson when he drafted the Declaration of Independence – and Gouverneur Morris when scribing out the finalised draft of the now-redundant US Constitution, in 1787.

A British National Party London Assembly member who invited the BNP leader to a Buckingham Palace event has been asked to rethink his invitation - or else.

The Greater London Authority wrote to Desmond Dumbnuts after he chose the BNP’s head thug Dickie Scrote as his guest for the summer ‘Royal Barbie’ hosted by the Queen.
Like all the other members of the London Assembly, Dumbnuts is in line for two tickets to the party on 21st July.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense accused Mr Dumbnuts of “trying one on” and making the invitation of the loutish Scrote a political grandstanding event.

Sir Quentin McTwat, Her Majesty’s Chief Equerry, informed the court reporter for the Peasant Floggers Gazette that the Queen didn’t like white supremist rowdy gobshite racists attending her barbies – as she already had enough with geriatric hubbie Phillip and his nasty xenophobic remarks.

In a candid aside to reporters Sir Quentin added that Prince Phillip could be taken anywhere ‘twice’ – the second time to apologise.

The crew of the International Space Station have celebrated the successful installation of a new on-board recycling filtration system by throwing a cocktail party with martinis made from their own urine

They clinked their glasses together and informed Mission Control, via a New Delhi call centre, that the tipple tasted like someone had pissed in it – even with the olives.

The innovative system collects urine, sweat and atmospheric moisture, and whatever else it can find hanging around in the limited ISS atmosphere then recycles and converts it into purified 100% proof gin.

The technology is seen as an important step forward in plans to double the schedule of barbeques and benders on the ISS by the end of the year when the astronauts relax together and down a few drinks in a true cosmopolitan bonding session – and no more arguments over who can use which crapper as everyone will be pissing in the same pot.

The three astronauts were given approval to try the gin on Wednesday after tests on a litre sent back to Earth by Fed-Ex parachute declared the tipple ‘very potent’ and ‘a great spot of hangover juice’.

The new hard liquor system is hoped to take the stress out of future long duration missions to the moon and Mars by keeping the astronauts in a maudlin state of inebriation – and add an entirely new meaning to the phrase ‘going on the piss’.

A new book by the Vatican Jesuit friar Tommy Torquemada claims the Spanish dictator, General Francisco Franco, may have had more in common with German Reich Chancellor and serial psychopath Adolf Hitler than previously known – by having only one bollock.

Much like the Nazi leader, Franco's lack of a full bag was reportedly from an injury he suffered by getting kicked in the nadjers by his first wife for being such a two-legged dildo and an all-round annoying twat.

Biographers have long speculated if this state of monorchism affected the reproductive ability of the dictator, who ruled the Costa Fortune coastlines of Spain from 1939 to 1975.

However, he did have a daughter, Carmen del Slut, after losing the one nut, but she is rumoured to have been a grudge baby – as some sneaky Falangist git had it in for him.

Scandal-smeared British MPs are resigning their places at the trough of plenty – or being suspended and fired – faster than you can say ‘interest-free loan’.

However several of their hard-faced aristocratic number are pointing the fickle finger of fate at the landless peasant voters for the expenses’ witch hunt stating it is only jealousy of their perks that has brought this exposure of their ignominy about.

Tory MP for Old Scrotum East, Sir Barton Stench, fired a venomous rebuke at the gutter press’s media hacks, telling them the £5,000 in expenses he claimed for remote-controlled wrought-iron gates to the entrance to his manor house were intended to keep unwashed commoners and whingeing taxpayers out.

In an interview with Radio 4's ‘Scumbags You Voted For’ programme MP Stench suggested his critics were envious because he lived in a large house, publicly stating that "What right does the public have to interfere with my private life? Absolutely none!"

Unfortunately Mr. Stench, the shitbag common sheeple have every right. You are supposedly a publicly-elected government official and come under public scrutiny in all your actions – both public and private. Hence when you start squandering taxpayers’ money on ostentatious luxuries, then the proverbial shit hits the fan – as of now.

Tory MP for Quackers, Sir Peter Sniggers, whose expenses for gardening totalled £30,000,000, is to quit at the direct request of party leader David Cameron after it was discovered he had claimed thousands of pounds to have a ’duck island’ built in his Olympic-sized jacuzzi.

The Conservatives' scrutiny panel will decide what figure MP Sniggers will have to pay back - however insider sources claim it will be what financial experts refer to as ‘a whole shitpile of money’.

Up to a hundred MPs are said to be considering standing down – before actually getting disenfranchised and fired - with several admitting to the Daily Shitraker that they have lost confidence in their abilities to continue fooling their constituents and milk the Parliamentary expenses system so the job’s not worth having any longer.

Following the recent geriatric Bilderberg Club annual meeting in Greece rumours are rife that the scumbag snobs plan to completely destroy the global economy and ultimately lower the world’s population by two thirds - stoking fears among the Illuminati elite themselves that the fallout from such a dystopic chaos could ultimately result in their losing control over world events – al la French and Russian revolutions – or succumb as victims to their own planned viral pandemics or false flag terrorist wars.

One of Bilderberg’s primary concerns is the danger that their zeal to reshape the world by engineering chaos in order to implement their long term agenda could cause the situation to spiral out of control and eventually lead to a scenario where Bilderberg and the global elite in general are overwhelmed by anarchistic events and end up losing what they consider their septic steering hand on the helm of human events.

The economic crisis is a vastly greater threat than a mere recession and that, as long as the present structure of the global economy remains the same, it will ultimately lead to a massive population reduction of two thirds within a generation or two – and guarantee the mineral resources of the Third World fall into their greedy, grasping hands at a ‘cents on the dollar’ fire sale price.

Such a massive crisis would bring many unknowns that terrify some of the more savvy members of the Bilderberg inner circle who are belatedly questioning how far they have actually gone not only to destroy the world but perhaps even destroy themselves with designer viruses like HIV / AIDS and virulent pandemic-capable strains of bird and swine flu – regardless of their current recession-focused “demand destruction” strategy – which aims to destroy demand by crippling the world economy on purpose – precisely what we are witnessing today.

Further, Bilderberg are dead set on pushing through the Lisbon Treaty despite it being rejected by countries in Europe who foolishly allowed their stupid sheeple populations to vote on the issue, and are prepared to manufacture demonization campaigns against anti-EU pressure groups, namely the Eire Libertas organization fronted by Declan Ganley – and all other comers.

Still a top Numero Uno priority on the Bilderberg agenda is the plan to micro-chip the world’s landless peasants and useless eaters on a mass scale, which would be forced through under the pretext of fighting terrorism following a spate of mass destruction nuclear false flag attacks - whereby the “good guys” would be allowed to travel freely so long as their microchip could be scanned and the information stored in a database.

The scandal-hit former president of South Korea, Mr. Ron Moo Cow, who had been under investigation for alleged corruption, has apparently committed suicide by jumping off the side of a mountain cliff face into a deep ravine – with no conspicuous evidence he got a helping kick in the ass.

PC Pak Lunch, a police spokesman, said Ron Moo Cow, 94, appeared to have jumped into a ravine while mountain climbing near his home and had left a brief suicide note saying “Byeeee – and please cremate me if you can find all the bits.”

Last month, Mr Moo Cow apologised publicly for breaking the Christian church’s 11th Commandment of “Thou shalt not get found out” concerning the millions of dollars in bribes he either accepted or demanded from lobbying slimes and canvassers during his 2003-2008 term of office.

Police said the former president had fallen several hundred feet down a mountain near his hometown of Gung Ho and had been transported to Kimchi Veterinary Clinic, where he was pronounced totally fucked up and beyond repair.
A post mortem later revealed Moo Cow had died from massive impact trauma injuries - with his head actually getting stuck up his own arse.

Ron Moo Cow's predecessor, Kim Mah-Jong, told a reporter from the Corruption Weekly Review he had lost his "life-long companion, with whom I used to sit each evening and count out our shares of all the bribe money we’d collected that day.”

Last month, Mr Moo Cow was questioned over allegations that he had taken more than $6 million in bribes from a wealthy Chinese Triad shoe manufacturer, Flip Flop Fong, who was indicted in December on separate charges of bribery, tax evasion and duck buggery.

The former president later apologised for the scandal, telling media reporters from the gutter press "I feel ashamed before my fellow citizens. I am sorry for disappointing you and turning out to be such a useless clunt.”

Pity a few UK scandal-draped MPs don’t follow suit and do the honourable thing : just like Mr. Moo Cow.

Excessive consumption of Coca Cola can lead to anything from mild weakness to profound muscle paralysis – impotence and baldness - and even total brain damage, doctors are warning.

This is because the drink contains so much unhealthy bio-toxic shit and GM artificial sweeteners that can cause blood potassium to drop dangerously low, according to a report in the International Journal of Clinical Guesswork.

Doctors quote the curious case of an Australian ostrich farmer who needed emergency care for lung paralysis and a baseball-sized prostate gland after drinking 4 litres of Coke a day.

He made a full recovery after laying off the noxious lethal brew and was advised to curtail his cola drinking for good – along with cutting down on his intake of fried ostrich burgers - and go back to supping Fosters amber nectar.

Another example included a woman who regularly consumed up to three litres of Coke a day and complained of tiredness, appetite loss, constant diarrhoea, persistent vomiting and an itchy snatch.

A coronary trace revealed she had an irregular heartbeat – it kept stopping or adopting a ‘hop-skip-jump’ rhythm – due her low blood potassium levels from an excessive Coca Cola intake.
Once she stopped drinking Coke, she made a full and uneventful recovery and is now chronically constipated.

The study group’s report maintains it appeared that hypokalaemia (the low blood potassium condition) can be caused by excessive consumption of the most common ingredients in cola drinks - glucose, fructose, fuckknows, brown paint, plutonium, ricin, cockroach shit and caffeine.

UK Conservative party shadown business secretary Kenneth Clarke suffered a severe attack of Alzheimers in Parliament on Friday when he forgot the Labour Prime Minister’s name while addressing the assembly.

Stuttering and verbally- fumbling to get to grips with his subject matter, Clark then called him first George Green – followed by Gorton Black, and finally declaring “The bloke in the kilt who took over from thingy – Tommy Liar – whatever.”

A 96-years old Chinese man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from the Happy Endings Bridge in the Middle Kingdom’s Wankin province was approached by an irate motorist who shoved him over the edge, according to the Transplant Organ Buy n Trade Weekly.

Mr. Fok Yew said he was fed up with the desperate man's "selfish activity" which caused huge traffic jams on the bridge’s access roads.

Mr. Ding Dong Dell plummeted 80 meters into a dry boulder-strewn river bed, missing a half-inflated air cushion that was being prepared by civil defence volunteers from the local Tuff Shit Blind Institute by several meters.

The drama unfolded when Mr Ding Dong climbed on to the Happy Endings Bridge on Thursday afternoon and threatened to jump – in the aim of ending worries over his credit card and mortgage repayment bills, and inability to support his two sixteen-year old mistresses in the manner they had become accustomed – ice cream and video games.

Mr. Fok Yew, stuck in the traffic jam in his taxi, apparently grew impatient with Mr. Ding Dong’s ditherings over whether to jump or talk to a police psychiatrist.

He told reporters “I walked over to him and asked ‘Hey stupid - are you gonna jump or what? My wife just call and say my dinner is on the table and going cold – so get your shit together and do it – okay! Then he tell me he need a few minutes more to make his mind up - so I do it for him and give a helping push.”

Police spokesman Kun Kare Less told the media “We can arrest Mr Fok Yew but doubt a charge of murder will stick as Mr Ding Dong was going to commit suicide anyway.”

God bless Confucian philosophy and logic

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Zionist lobby.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

Kiddie Bankrupts Parents in E-Bay Auction

Three-year-old New Zealand girl Pipi McScrunt is pretty smart on a computer : too smart for her parents, who woke up on Tuesday morning to find she had bought a full-size excavating digger on an auction website for NZ$ 20,000

While Mum and Dad were partaking in a Sunday 'afternoon delight' session behind a locked bedroom door at their home in Smegmadale Bay, near Dorkland, little Pipi got bored and decided to play with the computer while her parents shagged each other’s brains out.

Logging on to the e-Bay auction site which her mother had bookmarked, and after a spot of browsing, she made the top bid for a Kobelco tracked excavator, the most recent item listed on the homepage.

Pipi’s Mum, Slagsy McScrunt, told a reporter from the Kiwi Strangler’s Gazette that the first she knew about her daughter’s bid on e-Bay was when a giant custard-yellow excavator was driven onto their front lawn and the operator presented her with an delivery note and said “Sign here.”

Next came a call from their bank manager advising he wasn’t too happy about their unapproved $19,500 overdraft.

Scrutiny of events revealed an e-mail from e-Bay informing Mrs. Scrunt she’d won the auction and the $20,000 payment had been debited against her bank account.

Slagsy’s hubbie, Norm, an unemployed platypus trainer told reporters Pipi had seen the bright yellow digger and assumed it was a Tonka toy and ideal for playing in her sandpit.

Norm further informed the press “While Pipi’s little online purchase has sort of fucked up our finances big-time and bankrupted us, I’ve had a word with the bank manager and he’s agreed to convert the overdraft into a low-interest business loan.”

“Pipi’s proved herself a dab hand at operating the excavator already and has dug us one beauty of a swimming pool in the back garden – not bad for a three-year old.”

“Anyway, all the neighbours want a pool dug as well, plus the Sky Shite channel want to do a film of Pipi operating her digger – so we’re quids in after all."
"The wee lass is busy browsing round e-Bay for a decent Cat D8 bulldozer right now and wants to start her own company - Pipi’s Plant Hire.”

Friday, 22 May 2009

Wind Farms Cause Goat Insomnia

The chief veterinarian officer for Taiwan’s offshore islands’ Department of Agriculture, Foods, Fisheries & Goats, Dr. Pak Lunch, is investigating reports that a large number of the domesticated species of Capra may have died of exhaustion attributed to the aggravating 24/7 racket from a wind farm adjacent to their grazing lands.

Mr. Dong Mah Jong, a farmer on Wankin Island in Taiwan’s blustery South China Sea ‘Penghu Archipelago’, informed the foreign correspondent from the Tortoise Polishers Gazette that he had lost more than 450 animals after eight giant wind turbines were installed close to his fields.

The Ministry of Agriculture (etc.) says it suspects that noise may have caused the goats' demise through lack of sleep and anxiety attacks.

The electricity company, Tai-Pow, has offered to alleviate Mr. Jong’s losses by supplying his remaining flock with goat-fit ear defenders.

Mr. Fuk Yu Tew, a spokesman for Tai-Pow, said the cause of the goats' deaths still needed to be investigated, but that he doubted the goats died from the noise considering none of their brain-dead workers seemed to lose any sleep due the unholy racket created by the wind turbines.

Before the wind farm was built four years ago, Mr Mah Jong had around 700 goats – thereabouts - if he ever stopped and bothered to count them.
Shortly after the electricity-generating turbines were installed, the 127-year-old farmer says his animals started to die. He now has just 250 emaciated, nervous goats left.

"The goats looked skinny and they weren't eating. One night I went out to the farmhouse and the goats were all standing up, shaking their heads from side to side - they couldn’t sleep because of the noise from the wind farm next door.”
“Next thing they stopped bonking – zero sex drive - so I had no new kids to replace the dying stock.”

Dr. Pak Lunch opined "Abnormal noises could affect the customary growth and feeding intake of animals and cause them to suffer sleep deprivation.”

“However, the goat is a baffling species for feats of endurance inasmuch of what they can eat and survive. They can chew, swallow, digest and excrete landfill materials that defy bio-degradability or recycling by even the most brutal mechanical means – hence it is weird they are being so negatively affected by the turbine noise.”

Farmer Jong at first attempted to cure his goats’ insomnia by filling their drinking trough with Horlicks or camomile tea every night - to no effect. An evening treat of a couple of Sominex sleeping tablets each still didn’t solve the problem either – the goats continued to suffer from loss of appetite and fretted away to skin and bones – and started to rattle as they wandered aimlessly around.

Daily additions of the anti-anxiety drug Xanax to their drinking water was considered a failure when the medication caused half the flock to mosey about in a manic depressive state – and the other half to turn psycho and make futile assaults on the wind turbine masts.

After reading a copy of ‘Insomnia for Dummies’ Farmer Jong commenced a nightly ritual of reading the goat flock bedtime stories and singing them a lullaby before giving each animal in turn a cuddle and a good-night kiss – which resulted in several of the animals committing suicide by leaping over the island’s cliffs : lemming fashion.

Do you live near a wind farm? Do the swishing blades keep you awake at night? Do you have a wind turbine on your roof like David Cameron? Do you live next door to David Cameron? Does Cameron’s wind turbine keep your goats awake at night? Do you think David Cameron claimed for his wind turbine on Parliamentary expenses? Do you think David Cameron’s a wanker? Would you vote for David Cameron? Would you vote for a complete wanker?

Send us your comments to the New Labour Ofiice for Propaganda and Backstabbing using the online form below.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

FBI Foil Own Fake Bomb Plot

Four males have been arrested over alleged plots to attack targets in New York, according to the Fox News ‘Propaganda’ channel.

The men were planning to blow up a chain of Jewish-owned kosher Dimona Deli’s around the Scumdale area of the Bronx, District Attorney Seymour Scroungeberg told a reporter from the Perjurers Weekly Review.

They were also rumoured to be plotting to shoot down National Guard military aircraft stationed at the Neverland Airport, in Crapsburgh to the north of the city.
The group apparently intended to use Stinger surface-to-air missiles to bring the planes down, which they bought from a Homeland Security car boot sale.

The four will appear in court on Thursday in Upstate Patsyville, and face from 100 years to a possible life imprisonment sentence if found guilty of the conjured-up charges.

The four FBI patsies were named as Pierre McPatsy (also known as Abdul Patsy), Jules McDork (aka Abu Dork ), Francois McTwat (aka Ali Twat) and Kermit McFrogge (aka Idi al Gorf). All are unemployed Cajun rednecks and were reportedly born in the United States.

New York Mayor Carlo Corruptioni said in a statement that the alleged plot showed "Islamic militant threats against New York City were sadly all too real and Americans need to remain totally petrified of future terrorist attacks at all times – and to keep taking their daily Xanax panic medication and not get too complacent".

US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napalmo told a reporter from the False Flag Gazette that “Our terrorist attack anxiety readings were right down – the sheeple were getting too smug and relaxed that we and the FBI are on top of the terror situation – which we are simply by being in control of who does what to whom – and where something actually goes ‘Bang!’”

“These people need to realise it’s only a matter of time before the nasty Islamic types get a nuke from Iran or Pakistan – or Israel - and set it off on US soil. That’s why everyone needs to forget this silly out-dated Second Amendment crap about the right to bear arms.”

“They need to dump all their handguns and rifles into our 'Jolly Jihad' firearm recycling bins, get themselves micro-chipped and jump on the freebie DNA register database then we know who’s who – and where every fucker and their dog is at.”

New York City has been on a red alert Panic Level 1 status for fresh terrorist assaults since 9/11 when the World Trade Centre buildings were destroyed in toto by Shylock Silverstein and his high-fiving Israeli Mossad agents from Urban Removals in a set-up airliner attack blamed on non-existent al-Qaeda militants.

Speaking to a reporter from the underground Mole Tunnel Review - on conditions of anonymity - over a few drinks in Brooklyn’s famous Black Op’s Bar, FBI agent Sheldon Machiavelli revealed that Homeland Security’s ‘Demonizing Islam’ division had received direct instructions from David Rockeslime following last week’s Bilderberg caucus that the US population needed a fresh terrorist scare to get them back on track with the New World Order’s agenda.

Machiavelli reckoned “ As the FBI had done a great job of setting up the dork-brained Moslem patsies for the 1993 WTC bombings – supplying them with the plan, explosives and tech’ support – we were asked to help out with this one as well.”

“We originally planned to do another attack on the WTC North Tower but then some smart-ass history nerd mentioned that Mossad blew the whole caboodle up with micro-nukes in 2001 so they could kick-start the military invasion of the Middle East.”

”Luckily we had a Plan B – and a bunch of disaffected unemployed / homeless Cajun rednecks set up for a spot of Weather Men type mischief – and remember these guys have never forgiven Washington for the Louisiana Purchase."
"So we gave them all Muslim code names and a few ‘Them and us / the Jews did it’ type brainwashing sessions, hired a Ryder truck like we used in Oklahoma City, then loaded it up with dummy ground-to-air Stinger missiles and a pallet of house bricks done up in brown paper packages with C4 Plastique stamped on them.”

“As soon as the rednecks got back to their hideout we called the NYPD on the old QT, who then called us - and Homeland Security – and we pulled a pre-emptive strike and voila – an insta-terrorist plot organised and foiled in the same week.”

Are you scarified of where the US military-industrial cabal’s next false flag terrorist attack will occur? Do you ever shit your pants if a car backfires down the street? Would you volunteer for one of our Patriotic Patsy operations? Have you been on anxiety medication since the Ivy League establishment assassinated JFK back in 1963 – or only since the Al Qaeda magicians attacked the Pentagon on 9/11 and then made the airplane disappear?

Send us your negative comments using the online form below and we’ll pass your personal details onto Homeland Security – and the Taliban’s ‘Jolly Jihad’ Brigade.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Fossil Lemur Looks Like Dubya

The pristine fossil remains of a 47-million-year-old lemur-like creature have been unveiled in the US.
Its preservation is so intact it is possible to see the outline of its fur and even traces of its last meal – what appears to resemble a partly-digested McScrunt’s Chew n Spew Spam fritter.

The fossil, nicknamed Titsy, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates – apes, politicians and humans - and more distant relatives – the Hoodie and Chav troglodyte sub-species that developed the first systems of rudimentary cave drainage.

But some independent experts from Fossils-R-Us, awaiting an opportunity to see the new specimen are sceptical of the claim and have been critical of the hype surrounding the presentation of Titsy as an Eocene-era pin-up girl.

The fossil was launched amid great fanfare at the American Museum of Dusty Old Crap in New York, by the city's mayor, Guido Corruptioni.

Although details of the fossil have only just been published in the prestigious scientific journal - Fuctifweno - there is already a TV documentary, a book tie-in, a video game and a t-shirt franchise.

Titsy, apart from being well past her shelf life at 47 million years old, was actually discovered in the 1980’s in a fossil treasure-trove called the Messel Shitpit, near Schwein-en-Schlippe in Germany. For much of the intervening 20-odd year period Titsy has been hidden away in the private collection of US zillionaire miser John D. Rockerscrunt .

The investigation of the fossil's significance was led by Thor Nogson, curator of the Very Old Things Museum in Oslo, Norway.
He personally believes the fossil creature is "the closest thing we can get to a modern day tree squirrel" and described the discovery as ‘a load more fucking work that interfered with his fishing’.

The female animal lived during an epoch in Earth’s history known to archaeologists as a ‘Long, long time ago’, which was crucial for the development of early primates - and at first glance, Titsy resembles a stooping George W. Bush but is actually a type of lemur.

But the creature lacks certain defining primitive features such as a so-called ‘cross mandible’, a specialised feature in which the lower incisor and canine teeth are elongated, crowded together and projecting forward - to bite the living fuck out of its prey.
Titsy also lacks a stylised claw used by sub primate species for grooming hence she probably looked like a right scruffy piece of uncombed shit while still alive.

The team concluded that she was not simply ‘another fucking lemur’ but a new species. They have called her Darwinius masillae, to celebrate her place of origin and the bicentenary of the birth of evolutionist Charles Darwin - renown inventor of the clockwork hedgehog.

Dr Jurgen Schnitter, an expert on the Messel Shitpit and a member of the team, flippantly dismissed Titsy as another effing lemur – nothing too special.
"She belongs to the group from which the banana munchers evolved but my impression is that she is not on the direct ancestor line of Homo Credit Cardus."

Independent experts who were originally keen to see the new fossil but somewhat sceptical of any claim that it could be "a missing link" now estimate Titsy resembles the violent Zimbabwe sub-species of primate – Homo Robertus Mugabius.

Dog Phones 999 – Has Owner Arrested

South London’s Homicide Squad went on full alert after receiving a 999 call suggesting a potential murder was in progress - but it turned out to be a shaggy dog story.

An emergency call operator at Scotland Yard heard muffled voices and a man shouting: "Come out or else, I'm warning yer - I’ll rip yer effin’ bollocks off yer thievin’ git."

The brutal threats were followed by the sounds of whining - then the line went dead. Police immediately returned the call fearing the worst, only to receive a voice messaging service.

PC Numpty of the Armed Response Ballistic Squad told reporters “I was going to leave a message saying “If you have been murdered please call back for assistance at your earliest convenience" – however Sgt. McTwat told us to stop fucking the cat and to trace the call and investigate forthwith.”

The call was tracked down to the city’s Shitdale Hamlets area and the phone registery corresponded to an owner with a home address at 15, Shitdale Crescent.

The responding team, led by CID Inspector Arthur Fuctifino, stormed the property and arrested a white male in his mid-forties who was engaged in a classical Mexican stand-off with an Albanian Pikeyhound.
The dog – hackles raised and snarling – was cornered behind a garden shed by a certain Stanley Gormless who was armed with a garden brush.

After PC Numpty floored Mr. Gormless with a well-aimed baton round to the back of the head the suspect was disarmed, cuffed and given a good kicking - at which point the Pikeyhound relaxed, sat on the lawn and dropped the cellphone he’d been gripping in his mouth.

A hysterical female, identified as Mrs. Gormless, the suspect’s wife, ran screaming into the garden, pleading with the group of police officers to stop booting her husband and let her explain the situation.

Apparently Bonkers, their twelve-month old Albanian Pikeyhound had been forbidden to use the cellphone due his habit of ringing a certain neighbouring poodle bitch and whining down the phone for hours, using up the pay-as-you-go credit.

Husband Stanley caught Bonkers in the act of sneaking the house cellphone off a table and pursued him into the garden, trying to corner the dog with a brush. At which point Bonkers, fearing for his life, dialled 999 for police assistance.

Bonkers was taken into protective custody by an RSPCA officer and will undergo psychological counselling to help alleviate the stress he suffered from the ordeal.

Conversely, while Mr. Gormless, a reformed rhubarb addict, will not be charged with any offence but simply cautioned, his name will be entered into the Pet Offenders Register.

UK Councils Recruit Snoop n Snitch Army

Children as young as three years old are being recruited by the UK’s fascist council commissars to act as Citizen Snoopers, the Daily Shitraker’s banner headline revealed today.

The 'environment support' groups, press-ganged from kindergartens, jobcentres and Asbo registers will report on community vandals, litter louts, noisy neighbours, DIY enthusiasts, people they simply dislike, suspected paedo’s and other poor hapless twats who put their rubbish out on the wrong day : now a capital offence.

There are currently almost 9,000 people – unemployed and homeless peasants - signed up to the schemes, with thousands of juveniles likely to be recruited in the coming months during the scorching summer school recess.

Controversially, Smegmadale Council is purposely running a 'junior' scheme which is recruiting children as neighbourhood spies under their ‘Snoop n Snitch’ community compliance programme.

After basic training at one of the Common Purpose charity’s brainwashing centres - spread across the country like flyshit on an Aussie’s t-shirt - volunteers are expected to be the 'eyes and the ears' of the town hall and will be given a Dick Tracy-type secret ID card and wrist watch, an invisible ink pen and notebook, a water pistol and a cheapo camera cellphone to record and report offenders of the latest moronic Orwellian by-laws.

The kiddie Snitch Squads will also be provided with police training information packs about how to fabricate and plant false evidence, and tips about recording the registration plates of people parked up on a secluded country lane for a dogging session, which could later be used for criminal prosecutions or blackmail.

Kids are encouraged to watch the town hall’s video library collection of WW2 Gestapo and KGB training movies and are being instructed in the use of plastic tie wrap handcuffs, how to waterboard pensioners without drowning them and other approved methods of moderate to extreme rendition.

Volunteers are given a list of things to do when confronted with fly-tippers, or dog owners allowing their canine pets to shit on the pavement and not bagging it up, including taking Ninja-fashion stealth photos of pooch’s crapping or garbage fly-dumpers snapped in the act .

Last year the Ghettoford council undertook a recruitment drive for youngsters aged nine and above, called Junior Grassers. The children were given police notebooks to write down reports on littering or wannabee Wanksie graffiti artists operating around the town.

Mr Frankie Kafka, organiser of the adolescent Gestapo squads in Squalor Hamlets, said: 'It's not possible for the council to see what's going on in the borough 24/7, even with all our ubiquitous CCTV cameras, so our Junior Grasser gangs are a great help, reporting fineable offences like spitting out chewing gum or pissing in the town hall’s letter box.'

The neighbouring borough of Slumford Sands has given its top thousand junior volunteers handheld computers – paid for out of late council tax payment fines – to take photographs of problem areas.
The information is then uploaded to a map of trouble spots which then get a blanket Asbo imposed the following week.

Overall, a total of 8,442 volunteers have signed up at 17 councils in England. Other councils are set to follow their example and set up their own networks of volunteers who will undergo preliminary training at Abu Grahib Prison in Iraq on how to extract confessions from housewives who put mix n match garbage in the wrong recycling wheelie bins.

They say the scheme helps them investigate problems which they might not know about otherwise. But critics claim the schemes will be abused and move from a nuisance ‘Nanny State’ to a pervasive and sinister ‘Big Brother’ totalitarian society.

The move comes as local authorities dish out millions of pounds in fanciful fines to householders who leave out too much garbage or fail to follow recycling rules by gift-wrapping their rubbish.

Dinsdale Scrunt, chief executive of the Tax Payers' Alliance, said: 'Community spirit is one thing, spying on your neighbours is quite another – unless it’s a personal fetish kink thingie.

'It is the job of the police to maintain law and order, and there is no reason taxpayers should have to pay twice for the same service by having their own kids peering through the bedroom window and reporting their Dad for sticking one up Auntie Mildred’s back passage doggy-style while Mum’s out shopping.”

'People are sick and tired of being spied on by their councils and in a recession we simply cannot afford luxuries like handheld computers at a time when the most basic public services, such as getting a weekly handjob off a social worker are being scaled back.'

Skidrow-on-Sea’s innovative scheme is run by waste collection and environmental contractor Skwerco, which hopes to recruit several hundred more school-age volunteers this summer and boost it’s director’s bonuses through council fines levied against hapless residents.

Skwerco said other councils are keen to introduce its handheld computers, although many Sink or Swim council estates were conducting similar schemes using cheaper low-tech methods such as communicating with two cocoa tins and a long piece of string. In various immigrant areas smoke signals and tom-toms were being used to good effect when passing up-to-date information on to council hit squads.

For example Shitborough Council in north London, which has recruited 4,800 volunteers from the age of six over the past year, simply gives its 'Street Sneaks' ball pens, a folder of contact details and a 5% cut of any fines they manage to impose.

Council spokesman Jack Scum told reporters: 'Street Sneaks themselves have confirmed that it is not a scheme where people are asked to spy on neighbours – even though that is precisely what they do.”

“Our Street Sneaks gangs are asked to act just as any other nosy bastard resident might – to report any criminal issues in their local area – such as their MP claiming dodgy expenses or some sadistic para-military plod beating alcoholic news vendors to death for a bit of a laugh.'

Mr. Scum added that a lap dancing bar and two Rub n Tug Happy Ending massage parlours had been closed down this year as a result of their junior Street Sneaks spy teams peeping through the establishments’ windows and grassing up dodgy goings-on.

"These community-spirited residents are not Soviet-KGB style state snoopers. They help councils to impose fines on enemies of society – like senile grannies and disabled twats who can’t park their wheelie bins properly.”

Allergy warning : This news skit was written in a nut-infested environment and may contain traces of squirrel.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Bliar Receives Mega-Bucks Israeli Prize

Ex-British PM Tony Bliar last night received the $1 million ‘Desperate Dan Dirty Tricks’ prize for towing the Zionist warmongers’ line at a ceremony at Tel Aviv’s Rothshite Institute for Bent Politicians, a prize awarded for "achievements having an outstanding cultural and social impact on our world." (read Afghanistan and Iraq)

These include eleven long years of lying to the British public, holding Baby Bush’s hand at the start of the illegal invasion of Afghanistan; lying about WMD in Iraq and again joining the brainless Shrub in kick-starting a war against Saddam Hussein.

Let’s not forget Tony’s essential efforts in sanctioning the ‘assisted suicide’ of Dr. David Kelly; consenting and contriving to expedite the 7/7/2005 tube – and bus - bombings - then demonising Islam and Moslem types in general to further the NWO Orwellian Big Brother agenda of scarifying every bugger and their dog into screaming : “Oh my God – we’re all gonna die! - Tony, save us Tony! – We’ll all be good and carry your new ID cards; snoop and snitch on our neighbours and accept the EU without a referendum – and simply bow to your intended cashless society and go for our toxic vaccinations and get our micro-chips and keep voting New Labour forever. Just stop blowing shit up and blaming it on the Arabs and Paki’s.”

A $1 million prize – wow! Nice one Tony – is that what prostituting your moral franchise and selling one’s soul is worth now?

Blair's office said 50% of the money from the Dirty Tricks prize – named after the Zionist Shylock political meddler Desperate Dan Slimeberger– would be donated to the Cherie Bliar Retirement Fund which promotes materialistic squandering and ostentatious waste.

49% was being set aside for continuing research by cosmetic surgeons, construction architects and civil engineers into the feasability of performing a successful facelift on Cherie Bliar and correcting her burst-tyre, slack-jawed gaping-gob.

The remaining 1% of the prize money is ear-marked for donation – after taxes - to alleviating poverty in and around St. Albans.

The former prime minister has been envoy to the Quartet of the EU, the US, Russia and the UN, for the past two years, negotiating peace between the Israeli land usurpers and the dispossessed Palestinians – single-handedly doing absolutely nothing to stop the genocidal Israeli attacks on Gaza over the Christmas festive season and New Year periods – mainly due the fact he was on holiday and not in a “Peace on Earth” Santa Claus mood.

However, while Bliar refuses to visit Gaza and open a dialogue with the democratically-elected government of Hamas – as the Israelis say he can’t - one of the flagship causes Bliar has championed can be found on the northern edge of the Palestinian shithole of Jenin, on the occupied West Bank.

It has a large stretch of uninspiring land – defined in a dictionary as ‘desert’ - with a handful of second-hand sheds erected to house a weekly car boot sale.
While this is forecast to eventually become an major new industrial park, all it has achieved to date is provide target practice for bored Israeli tank commanders

Muhammed bin Mohammed, the Palestinian governor of Jenin, told a reporter from the Anti-Semites Gazette that Bliar’s efforts had been more scent than substance in boosting the Palestinian economy and he only appeared there for quick photo shoot opportunities while the Israelis were restocking with artillery shells.

The Jenin industrial park is typical of the retarded Palestinian progress, purposely stunted by the racist Israelis. Work has been delayed since 1995, but construction should start next year – or the year after that – perhaps – with a big ‘maybe’ on the perhaps bit.

Security in Jenin, once a city under the sway of the Palestinian militant groups, has improved remarkably – it now has running water (when it rains), a functioning flush toilet and two wheelie bins.
If it ever takes off the weekly car boot sale could provide jobs for several Palestinians, making a welcome dent in the current 100% unemployment levels.

* This article has been corrected to include the fact that the remaining 1% of the prize money intended to alleviate poverty around St. Albans was in fact spent – post-award ceremony - on several rounds of drinks at Jerusalem’s White Phosphorous Bar.