Friday, 31 July 2009

Saudis Claim Pig Flu a Western Plot

Saudi Arabian officials in manky Mecca have reported the country's first death from the Sneezy Pig swine flu virus.

The victim was a 95-year-old man, Ali Rectum bin Ramfull, a former magic carpet pilot with the Royal Saudi Air Force, who was admitted to Mecca’s prestigious Veterinarians Hospital on Wednesday suffering from acute bouts of porcine grunting, high fever, and a severe snout blockage.

However he was found dead lying in his trough today after being administered a primary dose of the Novartis Grunt-Gone anti-pig flu vaccine, according to animal health ministry spokesman Sheikh Ramadan Dan.

It was the second death from swine flu in the Middle East since the latest Arab-snuffer pandemic was engineered and spread earlier this year.
The original death in the region was in Egypt on 19th July which WHO doctors claim was a complication of the Sneezy Pig H1N1 virus combined with Pharaoh’s Elbow, Upper Nile distemper, galloping trotter rot and CTS (Curly Tail Syndrome).

There have been more than 300 cases of the virus reported in Saudi Arabia since March.
Considerable concern has been expressed over the impact it could have during this year's Hajj in November, which draws millions of pilgrims to Saudi Arabia – and specifically Mecca - when a broad selection of diseased types and career lepers from all over the world descend on Islam’s Holiest City and shrine to say ‘Hi’ to Allah, do a few Tawaf circuits of the Kabbah and pray for their personal designer miracles.

However, according to one report in the Jolly Jihad Gazette, Arab conspiracy theorists in the Gulf region suspect the H1N1 Sneezy Pig flu virus has been deliberately imported to the kingdom and spread by Western infidel agent provocateurs as swine - and hence any flu associated with them – are haram (forbidden) in the hardcore fundamentalist Muslim nation – even though most of the indigenous Arab population possess the social skills and manners of a pig.

Saudi’s Mutaween religious police chief Sheikh Mustafa Shatt informed a reporter from the Camel Humpers Review “This disease is another evil Zionist Kike plot to snuff us all and seize our oil like they’ve done in Iraq.”
“How can devout Muslims catch pig flu when we don’t eat pork or have any pigs in the country? – apart from the bubble-arsed white whore sows stocking the harems of our exalted Royal family – peace be upon them.”

Monkey Business Threat to Punjabi Government

Wildlife officials in India had planned to build a special school to improve the behaviour of delinquent monkeys.
They claimed their aim was to target miscreant Macaques that had been issued ASBO’s and posed a serious threat to society and civilisation in the state of Punjab.

However government authorities now claim the situation has spun out of control and monkeys have become a growing menace in Punjab as they move into towns and cities, setting up radical militant cadres at the local simian religious madrassa schools and threatening the established human social and political orders.

The recent spate of cross-species social interaction problems have been scrutinised by zoologists and determined to be caused by a sudden surge in the monkey’s IQ powers which conspiracy theorists and doomsayers alike claim is due the apes feasting on Monsanto’s genetically-modified banana and maize crops.

While 50% of the primates have demonstrated definite boosts in intelligence by joining libraries, enrolling for university courses and getting jobs with brand-name banks, many more have devolved into street crimes – shoplifting, drug-pedalling, muggings and armed hold-ups – with legions becoming addicted to chewing the narcotic wild rhubarb which grows in abundance across the province – and consequently becoming total social dropouts – even by mutinous monkey standards.

Alcoholism is also a problem, with the favoured tipple being the potent distilled ‘banana bender’ liquor, brewed exclusively for the discerning primate palate by the Manky Monkey Works in Amritsar.

Punjab authorities suspect the migration of the Macaque primate population into the province’s main cities may be a pre-planned political strategy as it is estimated some of the more radical and rogue elements of the monkey troops have been indoctrinated with the Taliban’s fundamental Islamic ideology and infiltrated into the Punjab from neighbouring Pakistan.

Conversely troops of monkeys have been observed by government spies wearing turbans to copy the headgear of the predominantly Sikh population.

Punjabi Minister for Primate Affairs – Mr. Ramjam Full – speaking candidly with a reporter from the Monkey Business Gazette – opined that he could foresee a Planet of the Apes type scenario manifesting in the province – with the newly-founded Primate Party gaining a majority of seats in the forthcoming elections if monkeys registered with local authorities and were granted voting rights.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

UK ‘Shameless’ Gits Headed for ‘Sin Bins’

Tens of thousands of the worst families in England are to be put in "sin bins" (concentration camps) to improve their behaviour, under yet another of New Labour’s Big Brother Nanny State numpty government schemes.

Under the government plan members of sociopath "Shameless" families are to be given intensive 24/7 supervision by ex-Abu Grahib prison guards to make sure children wipe their arses – and not on the bathroom curtains – that they attend school, go to bed on time and eat proper meals.

Parents are also given help (waterboarding) to stop them leading dysfunctional lives by lying on a couch all day watching retro episodes of Slobs on the Crap Channel, and to combat drug or alcohol addiction – and perhaps eventually find a job – helping the Easter Bunny or preaching the gospel for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The government’s current social control plans encompass staying their hand until the Sneezy Pig swine flu pandemic has finished ravaging the UK population this autumn when all surviving social workers will be trained and upgraded to a para-military classification and equipped with side arms and tasers – then unleashed with a vengeance to re-educate erring Asbo-type psychopath families to comply with the fundamental laws of polite society.

Around 2,000 basket case clans have gone through Family Intervention Projects, but ministers intend to increase its scope to 20,000 more in the next two years – each costing the bankrupt taxpayer anywhere between £5,000 and £20,000.

Ministers hope expanding the scheme will reduce the number of Asbo-tagged yobs who get their names in a local authority’s ‘Naughty Book’ become drawn into lives of crime because of their chaotic family conditions and shit-for-brains parents.

The projects are operating in around half of all Sink or Swim council estates across the country but Children's Secretary Ed Bollocks cllaims that under EU-mandated politically-correct rules then every family in the country – especially so dysfunctional aristocrats and Royals - should be scrutinised through the auspices of the programme.

Conversely the Tory party claim the scheme has been a failure since Day One, with the Shadow Minister For Sorting Shit Out, Hector McTwat, informing reporters “These little pricks should be brought up in an incubator until they’re 16 then put straight out to work.”
“If the parents are total basket cases and been swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool for too long, then strangle the scum at birth and solve the problem totally.”

Conversely 16-year old Vinnie Scrunt, currently confined to a rehab centre for his chronic kleptomania and rhubarb addiction, told a reporter from the Yobs Gazette : “’ow der fuck woz we expected ter grow up like Little Lord Fauntleroy – all Goodie Two-Shoes an’ that kinda shite when our Mum woz too effin’ busy doin’ ‘er fuckin’ O-Level exams ter look after the three of us – an’ all me Gran did woz take us ter the pub an’ Bingo every afternoon.”

Vinnie confided to the media that while he never attended school personally he often played with the kids that did – which accounted for his acquired basic standards of literacy and numeracy when applying for DSS welfare benefits or bail at the local police station.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

New Labour Stealth Taxes Locked n Loaded

Secret Labour stealth taxes – rumoured to have been conjoured and drafted by old rodent features himself - Lord Peter Scandalson - akaVermin in Ermine - are geared up to be imposed on millions of homes and totally bankrupt the middle classes in the process after the no-hoper dead duck government supposedly sweep the ballot in the next General Election.

Shocking details of a stealth tax of up to £600 for middle class householders with views of any kind - or patios, conservatories, greenhouses, garden sheds, swings, rabbit hutches, barbeque tables with Martini umbrellas, car ports, garages and even a nearby bus stop or 24/7 Stop & Rob convenience store - are revealed for the first time today in a secret report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by disaffected back bench Labour MPs.

Further documents obtained under the Parliamentary Snitch and Grassers Act 2008 reveal how millions of homes have already been secretly assessed by Labour’s Gestapo squads in preparation for council tax hikes expected to target the middle class after the next General Election which Labour, in their infinite stupidity, seem convinced – even in the face of all adverse and negative logic and common sense odds – that they are divinely ordained to win.

Homes have been given 'value significant codes' which will make virtually every desirable feature taxable – from a front porch doormat to a patio situated pot-bellied Chimnea.

Although not every home has been assessed, so far nearly 100,000 householders face being penalised simply for having a scenic view from their windows – into next door’s bathroom or overlooking a compost heap.

Even those who have a mere glimpse of a tree, a telephone box, a big puddle, the neighbour’s coal shed, or any other pleasing outlook - such as their local Greedy Grocer Supermarket or an Immigration Detention Centre - stand to pay more under a special category for 'Spectacular Scenic Views'.

Worst hit among the 101 types of scenic panorama are likely to be the 26,346 Flood Plain Folly homes assessed so far as enjoying a full river view as a lazy meandering stream swells from unseasonal torrential rains and bursts its banks yet again - to flow full pelt through the house’s front door and then out the back – taking the carpets, TV set and cat litter box along in the deluge.

People with garages, conservatories and patios - and even parking spaces - are also in the firing line – plus the 21,709 whose homes enjoy a panoramic vista of a Pennines wind farm or lakeside nuclear power station – or coastal landfill site.

While the list is by no means complete, the figures indicate the chilling and draconic detail with which the Big Brother inspectors are examining Britain's homes.

The documents also reveal the sheer pettiness of the new rules. Balconies are divided into those you can swing a cat around on – or two cats – or a small fox terrier - and so on.
The 'Conservatories' category even covers children’s Wendy Houses and wigwams and differentiates between single and double-glazed rabbit hutches.

The Valuation Office Agency, which is compiling the massive database of every home in England, has divided the five million people with conservatories into three groups.

The 2,115,610 with double-glazed conservatories will be hit harder than the 2,543,821 with single glazing – or the estimated 378,409 who covered theirs with cling film and cellotape.

People with patios could be in for a shock. A total of 4,932 homes have been registered as having 'value significant' patios - Whitehall jargon for big ones, perhaps with built-in saunas, jacuzzis and barbecues.
There are likely to be tens of thousands more added to the list by the time the local council’s Civic Enforcement Snitches have finished their current spying campaign of peeping over garden walls with periscopes.

Others who enjoy living in a peaceful area without a Jolly Jihad terrorist branch office or a Yob-Lock Asbo Concentration Camp will soon have to pay for the privilege.
A total of 38,081 homes have so far been given the coding of TQ, which tells council tax chiefs that they live in a quiet street or cul-de-sac – or next door to a care home for deaf mutes

The UP code for those with good access to public transport, such as people living near a train station or a rickshaw stop, may find their council tax goes in the same direction - UP.

Some of the details released by the Orwellian VOA resemble a manual for taxing struggling householders to the point of utter despair and suicide.

About 13,000 homes with pools are listed, with separate categories for indoor and outdoor – including ponds ranging from goldfish to Koi carp to rainbow trout and GM salmon.
So too are the currently untaxed homes with 1,731 equestrian paddocks; 4,933 stables; 2,863 tennis courts; 2,268 penthouses and 7,854 with customised BD/SM dungeons.

The system gives all 23 million homes in England one of about 100 'dwelling-house codes' for each type, from modest council and housing association slums up to marble mansions with Doric entrance columns for the postman to lean his bike against.

It further takes account of architectural styles and building materials such as cardboard, plastic sheets, corrugated iron, MDF, brick, thatch or stone fascias, sash or barred windows, inside or outside crapper, age periods and the number of dog kennels.

If and when the revaluation takes place – perhaps due God Almighty fiddling the next general election ballot count Diebold-fashion - in New Labour’s favour - council tax will be calculated through a vast and complex formula which uses these codings.

Householders with one or a number of the features could see their council tax band move up by possibly two levels and leave them calling the Samaritans or going straight for the well-cliched and practically proven ‘head in the gas oven’ trick.

Moving up from B and D to Band E could mean a rise of around £300 – while moving up to F (general insolvency bracket) could result in a £600 increase and a guaranteed visit from the council’s bailiffs.

Other categories - such as living in a cardboard box or under a plastic sheet, having a cesspit, no street lighting or squatting under a leukemia friendly radio mast or pylon – or in the middle of a landfill site - could possibly lead to reduced bills if the required application form was received prior to 1997 and the applicant is a paid-up voting member of the Labour party or another similar Communist / Socialist political nihilist group.

London’s Conservative Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense told reporters: "Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown's Civil Enforcement snitches have been caught red-handed preparing the way for massive tax rises on middle England after the next election which the stupid sods still think they’ve got a cat in Hell’s chance of winning.”
“Even his own Labour back benchers in the House of Conmans admit they’re done and dusted.”

"Crikey, only daft Labour would think of taxing people for looking out of their own windows. Just wait until the Tories get voted in again then my mate Big Dave is going to scrap these snidey council tax plans and abolish Nazi tax inspectors' rights of entry into your home."
“Believe old Boris – you’ll never have had it so good.”

Saudi Royal Slut Granted UK Asylum

Political tensions between oil-rich Saudi Arabia and Britain were elevated to a fresh high this week when the leaked news of a Saudi royal princess being granted asylum from religious persecution in the UK hit the media headlines.

The Saudi Arabian princess, who had an illegitimate child by a heathen infidel British man, has been granted asylum in the UK according to a Home Office / Borders Agency secret report leaked to the Sunday Shitraker by a Whitehall cleaning lady – Mrs Rita Snitch.

The classified documents state that 16-year old Princess Fellatia al Shufty Bint – a married woman - was allowed to stay and given asylum in Britain after pleading before an Immigration and Asylum tribunal judge that her love affair left her at risk of being stoned to death or beheaded – or worse - if she returned home to the backward and barbaric Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

Princess Fellatia, who was given a promise of anonymity from the court until her name was obtained by the Sunday Shitraker under the Freedom of Information Act, is married to one of the Saudi royal family’s filthy-rich legions of fat wastrel minor monarchs – Prince Rashid al Nastygit , who is also the Kingdom’s current Minister of Tents.

After her outing the princess agreed to grant an interview to the Seraglio Gazette, informing reporter Candida Muffitch that she had recently been elevated in rank from Favourite Concubine 28 to Wife Number 6 but was sick and tired of having to wear a burkah and hanging around the harem all day watching Koran reading competitions on Saudi’s singular television channel.

She bribed one of the harem eunuch’s to allow her to use his laptop computer and started an illicit affair on Facebook with an Englishman – Morton McScrunt – who was working in Saudi as an oasis consultant.

Princess Fellatia is apparently renown for a history of being a radical non-conformist – dating back to her schooldays when she educated herself in the Three R’s by filling in Sudoku quizzes and reading smuggled copies of the Daily Sport.

She was arrested by Saudi’s sadistic Mutaween religious police at age 13 and sentenced to 20 lashes in Jeddah’s public flogging square for eating Spam Fritters which are considered ‘haram’ - or forbidden - under numpty dumpty Islam’s draconic Sharia dietary laws.

Fellatia’s father, Sheikh Well Before Using, a former tent folder, is the senior secretary at the Ministry of Goats – a position he secured by selling Fellatia off to Prince al Nastygit in 2007.

The Facebook relationship quickly developed and the couple absconded from Jeddah on one of Prince al Nastygit’s favourite racing camels – which promptly gave him the hump and initiated a major manhunt.
However the couple sneaked across the border into the UAE with Fellatia disguised as a British expat plumber’s mate returning to London to treat an oestrogen hormone imbalance.

Once safely ensconced back in the UK Fellatia became pregnant which she initially claimed was due sitting on a hotel bathroom’s toilet seat after her paramour had used it.
After giving birth secretly at a Priory Clinic, she took a case to the Immigration and Asylum tribunal which has now resulted in her being granted permanent refugee status.

The Saudi Embassy has since lodged a formal complaint with the Foreign Office, issuing an ultimatum for the deportation of the princess to Saudi to stand trial before a Sharia Court for her crimes of adultery and procreation with a white infidel pig – further threatening to cut off the UK’s oil supply and cancel all BAE arms deals if their demands are not met.

Gordon Brown’s trouble-shooting Minister for Sorting Shit Out - Sir Wilberforce Fuctifino - today sought to appease the Saudi’s by stating the British government truly envied their strict code of Islamic discipline and wished we had a similar system of laws here in Britain.
Conversely he further pointed out that would unfortunately mean oil-rich Saudi Arabian wastrels could no longer visit Britain to gamble, get pissed and screw white whores around the London night club scene.

Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson, always quick to jump into the thick of things and make himself look a bigger twat than he already is, has – in an effort to stay the threats of an oil embargo and cancellation of the BAE arms deals - reportedly offered the right hand of friendship to the Saudi Ambassador - which apparently belonged to the Immigration and Asylum Tribunal Judge who granted Princess Fellatia refugee status to avoid religious persecution.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Daft Food Issues Dominate Media Headlines

In a desperate bid to broadcast or publish any old shit to keep the British public distracted from the fact that ‘The End is Nigh’ and Western ciivilisation as we know it is about to go tits up in a Busby Berkeley extravaganza fashion, media sources have resorted to reporting on such asinine Earth-shattering news concerning the renaming of a curry and the sexual innuendo involved in advertising sausages.

A Scottish MP has posted a bill in Parliament calling for Glasgow to be officially recognised as the home of Britain's favourite – if misnamed – curry : the Chicken Tikka Masala.

The dish is one of the most popular of the Greedy Grocer’ supermarket chain’s ready-made insta- microwave meals – after, and a close second to, Spam Fritters, Beans on Toast, Toad in the Hole, Deep Fried Insta-Cornflakes – and Chip Butties.

Mohammad al Scumrat , Labour MP for Glasgow’s Gorbals Central, said he wanted the city to be given EU Protected Designation of Origin status for the curry – which should now be re-named Chicken Tikka McSala in recognition of its Scottish Highlands connection.

He has tabled an early day motion in the House of Conmans calling for other numpty Asian politicians to back his time-wasting campaign so it might earn him a few votes at the next election and distract the electorate from the fact he was recently pilloried in the press for claiming millions of pounds in dodgy expenses.

Mr al Scumrat claims the Tikka McSala dish owes its origins to the culinary skills of a certain 19th Century Paki’ chef – Mr Ali Ahmed McTwat, proprietor of the Punjabi ‘See You Jimmy’ restaurant in Caber Tossers Square at the west end of the city.

"Glaswegians loved the flavour of Asian spices but still wanted a bit of gravy on their haggis so Mr. McTwat pioneered great Asian food with a Scottish Highlands and Gorbals Slums twist to it."

Meanwhile, back at the oxygen-deprived deep end of the Advertising Standards Authority’s think tank, officials are ready to uphold complaints against innuendo-filled television adverts for Twatterson’s nine inch long uncircumcised ‘Old Dork’ Widow’s Memories sausages.

The ASA claims the adverts, which informed viewers this was the first sausage with a foreskin, and asked where they would like to "Stick It", should not have been aired when children, born-again Christian types or elderly spinsters were likely to be watching.

The ASA initially agreed with Numpty Kosher Foods, who manufacture the sausages, that the adverts were meant to be tongue-in-cheek, light hearted and were unlikely to cause serious offence to anyone not suffering from severe personality disorders or psychological problems.

The ASA rejected 21,000 complaints that the advertisements were offensive but did agree it constituted a sexually suggestive advertising campaign for ‘Pork’ sausages – which might be interpreted as being doubly offensive to Islamic and Jewish groups – and further construed as deliberately anti-Semitic.

UK Numpty Cops : Plod Shoots Plod

The Thames Valley Police has pleaded guilty to breaching health and safety regulations after their senior Weapons Instructor accidentally shot one of the attendees during a ‘Firearms Awareness’ training course.

Weapons Instructor PC Vinnie Dicklethwaite, 92, shot Mohammed bin Mohammad, 21, in the stomach at the Smegmashire-based Police Training College in May, Scruntford Crown Court heard today.

Mr. Mohammad, an unemployed prayer mat weaver who was training to be a Police Community Support Officer – or Plastic Plod - was shot with a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum revolver and sustained what trauma doctors at Smegmadale Hospital’s A & E department euphemistically
referred to as ‘quite severe injuries’.

Following today’s hearing PC Titsy McGammer, a spokeswoman for Thames Valley Police, told a reporter from the Clumsy Cunts Gazette that the force had imposed drastic procedural and operational changes since the shooting – such as not supplying live ammunition – or firearms - to officers after they came back from the pub at lunchtimes.

PC Dicklethwaite, who has since the incident declared himself as suffering total amnesia due the trauma of the shooting, denies breaking safety rules as he only drank his customary six pints of Old Headbanger lager during his pub visit lunch break.

Thames Valley Police authority confirmed that PC Dicklethwaite was still working as a police officer, but was no longer allowed anywhere near anything considered remotely more dangerous than a truncheon and was further assigned to monitoring speeding offences around the training facility that might be committed by stray tortoises or earthworms.

PC Dicklethwaite remains accused of "negligently engaging in the pointing of weapons and the pulling of a trigger during role-play in the classroom" - "failing to examine or check the pistol’s chamber for live rounds of ammunition" - and finally discharging the weapon "while inadvertently pointing said weapon at Mr. Mohammed bin Mohammad".

Mr Mohammad was reportedly shot at point-blank range with a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum Revolver, while he was listening to a ‘Firearms Safety’ lecture from PC Dicklethwaite alongside twelve other Plastic Plod volunteer colleagues in May.

One trainee PCSO that was sat close to Mr. Mohammad, a certain Bazzer Fuctifino, told the media “This ponce Dicklethwaite comes back from der boozer full as a tick an’ gobbin’ off about ‘ow good ‘e is wiv guns and shit – an’ starts doing der John Wayne thingy – twirlin’ der pistol around ‘is fingers – then starts pointin’ it at der class an’ goin’ Blam! Blam! Blam! like der effin’ nutter ‘e is.”

“Next fing ‘e points der gun at Mohammed an’ sez “You look like that Brazilian electrician bloke wot fucked up me kitchen wirin'" – then pulls der trigger an’ old Mohammed’s all fucked up like a soup sandwich wiv an’ effin’ big ‘ole in ‘im like an effin’ bucket an’ effin’ blood everywhere. We all shit kittens an’ fucked off sharpish as we reckoned Dicklethwaite ‘ad probably gone postal an’ totally lost it – an’ we woz next on ‘is effin’ list.”

PC Dicklethwaite is on fully-paid unconditional bail until September when a ten minute hearing will decide whether to proceed with the case or dismiss him on full pension.

Deputy Chief Constable Frank Dorkford told Pox News: "Whatever the individual actions involved in the accidental shooting of PCSO Mohammad in May, Thames Valley Police has always accepted that the incident should never have happened.”

"Our guilty plea here today is an acceptance that additional control measures could have prevented the shooting – specifically disallowing firearms officers and weapons instructors to resume normal duties after they’ve spent a lunchtime swilling lager at the local boozer.”

Monday, 27 July 2009

Pro-Dom Prison Officer ‘Too Pretty’

A female prison officer was forced out of her job after being bullied because she was considered too pretty to enforce discipline, a Smegmadale Employment Tribunal heard this week.

Fellatia Sodomberg, 27, a former Albanian BD/SM Pro-Dominatrix, is claiming constructive dismissal and suing Justice Secretary Jack Straw and HM Prison Service after being forced to desert her position at the Smegmadale-on-Sea based Scumbags Young Offenders Holiday Camp.

However one former colleague questioned her behaviour with male inmates and suggested she chose to reject advice about the statuary prison officer’s uniform dress code by wearing black leather mini skirts, suspenders and see-through blouses with a peep-hole bra.
It was further alleged many of the teenage inmates knew where she lived and visited her home when granted ‘good behaviour’ weekend passes.

Chief Prison Officer Ghengis McTwat, who worked with Ms Sodomberg, told the Tribunal "I heard that the area in which she lived and her personal address were common knowledge amongst the inmates."

Rupert Thort-Nott QC, counsel for Ms Sodomberg, accused McTwat of shouting aggressively at his client in an incident where she had simply followed one of his orders to the letter when instructed by McTwat to severely punish one inmate for prostituting himself in a group buggery session.
Apparently Ms Sodomberg did so by stringing him up by his thumbs and sticking red chillis up his rectum.

Her counsel further accused McTwat of threatening behaviour after Ms Sodomberg became stressed out with being verbally harangued and kicked him squarely in the bollocks then lodged a complaint of institutional bullying.

Chlamydia Skank, a female prison officer who took induction at the prison with Ms Sodomberg, said the former Dominatrix did not follow advice regarding hair and make-up and claimed the uniform she wore was snugly fitted and made her appear very sexy.

Mr. Thort-Nott countered Ms. Skank’s testimony as biased due jealousy of Ms. Sodomberg’s curvaceous figure and alluring personal charm whereas her own social skills were on the level of a rutting pig, and her couch potato physique comparable to a sack of shit tied in the middle.

One prisoner called to give evidence on behalf of the Scumbags Young Offenders prison staff – Freddie Barbarossa – a 16-year old Asbo gold medallist and mass murderer from Scrotum-on-the-Wold in Sussex, told the Tribunal : “Ms. Sodomberg woz great. If any of us woz naughty like she used ter order us ter drop our pants an’ bend over an’ gave us a whack across the arse wiv ‘er riding crop while she squeezed yer nuts sack – wot a turn-on.”

“An’ if we woz good fer a month she got us a weekend pass to go down to ‘er place fer a cheese an’ wine party an’ ‘ave a good sniff at ‘er Oh!-zone layer.”
“Bondage an’ forced pussy lickin’ – now that’s wot the British penal system’s lackin’ – a touch of Ms. Fellatia’s style of rehabilitation discipline – well, it works fer me anyway.”

Met Plod CEO Faces 'Racism' Inquiry

According to a report leaked to the Daily Shitraker by an anonymous source inside the Metropolitan Police Authority (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) an independent investigation has begun into claims of racism against Ms. Catherine Crawfish, the 95-year old Gorgonesque chief executive of the MPA.

In a damning complaint filed with the Lord Mayor of London’s office the Metropolitan Permanently Sun-Tanned Police Association (MPSTPA) allege that Ms. Crawfish has repeatedly discriminated against officers classed by the MPA’s white supremacist ruling Masonic elite as ‘gollies’ and ‘darkies’.

However Metropolitan Police Authority spokeswoman Ms. Chlamydia Crawfish (no relation) informed Pox News it had "full confidence in its chief executive" and the complaints were the work of disaffected Brazilian electrician types, under-achieving Muslim fanatics and whingeing Pakis.

The complaints against Ms Crawfish were first published in a letter to Bonkers Boris Nonsense, London's Mayor, in December 2008 by the Metropolitan Black Police Association.

Mayor Nonsense, who chairs the Metropolitan Police Authority when not too busy appearing in episodes of Bell Enders, writing columns for gutter press newspapers, hosting TV quiz shows, bonking someone else’s wife, falling over in rivers or riding his daft bike, replied the following month saying that the matter was being dealt with by Ms. Rita Crawfish (apparently no relation), the MPA’s assistant chief executive.

Rita Crawfish told reporters that she was "minded to stay the complaint" against her sister because it conveniently overlapped with other proceedings involving the back-stabbing and scheming Metropolitan Black Police Association.

The MBPA hit back, stating it was "outrageous" that Mayor Nonsense had delegated the complaint to Ms Rita Crawfish, not only Ms. Catherine Crawfish's deputy but also a close relative.

Eventually, in March 2009, Mayor Nonsense wrote back to the MBPA noting its "deep concern" about Ms Rita Crawfish's involvement in investigating her own sister and stating that he had appointed Mr. Arthur Crawfish, an independent investigator from Crawfish, Crawfish & Crawfish (Solicitors & Commissioners for Oaths) to deal with the matter.
It then took Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense office a further three months to set up the inquiry.

The MBPA says it has been concerned "for some time" about the conduct of Ms Catherine Crawfish.
In legal papers submitted to investigator Arthur Crawfish, the MBPA accuses her of a "failure to truly hold to account" the senior Masonic members of the Met over race and religious discrimination and equality of opportunity.

The legal documents, seen by the Daily Shitraker, suggest that evidence will be submitted from a whistleblower in Ms Crawfish’s headquarters of an alleged "plot" against the Met’s Commander Ali Barbar, president of the National Black Sheep Association.

The source - who has not been named - (Sergeant Candida Muffrot) allegedly warned Commander Barbar that Ms Crawfish and the police authority were "out to get" him and Tangerine Ali Chuff-Chuff, the Met's former assistant commissioner who was recently found dead with 47 stab wounds in his back – which Ms. Crawfish opined was the most determined case of suicide she had ever heard of.

The MBPA alleges that Ms Crawfish suffers from chronic cases of ESI (Ego Surpassing Intellect) and UAS (Unqualified Arrogance Syndrome) – and was further "reluctant" to investigate race discrimination complaints made by her own staff against senior white officers.
Conversely when allegations were made against senior ethnic minority officers she pursued them in the manner of a personal vendetta and witch hunt fashion – and was heard to yell on one occasion “Let’s get the effin’ darkies!”

However the Metropolitan Permanently Sun-Tanned Police Association have now lodged a grievance with the Independent Police Complaints Commission that there are far too many instances of people named Crawfish being involved with the investigation – who have now responded by passing the complaint on to the Minister for Sorting Shit Out – a certain Sir Jarvis Crawfish.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Thai Airport Cops Scam Tourists

Bangkok's new showcase international airport has been mired in controversy ever since the first planning permission and construction tender bid bribes exchanged hands in a downtown Patpong ladyboy bar back in 2001.

Built between 2002 and 2006 under the government of disgraced and exiled Prime Minister Foreskin Shitawaterat, the entire project was dogged by allegations of graft and corruption on a Biblical scale, besides criticism of the Legoland design and poor quality of construction due it being built from recycled egg boxes and corrugated iron sheets.

Now new shit-flinging allegations have hit the fan that legions of foreign passengers are being purposely set up and detained every month in the duty free area on suspicion of shoplifting, then held by the crooked police until they dole out large sums of money to buy their freedom.

That is what happened to Reggie Dorkmann and Candida McScrunt, two licenced cormorant whisperers from Smegmadale, as they were about to board their flight to London on the afternoon of April Fools Day this year.

The couple had been attending the Bangkok-based World Wildlife Fund’s ‘Seabird Communications’ symposium and were browsing in the duty free shop at the airport, admiring the carved ivory dildos and were later approached by security guards, who demanded to search their bags.

They were told a dildo had gone missing from a duty free display and that Ms McScrunt had been seen on a security camera trying one out for a snug fit then taking it out of the shop.
However after searching the couple’s hand baggage the security guards found no dildos on either of them.

Despite that, they were both taken from the departure gate, back through immigration, and held in an airport police office.
That, claims Mr. Dorkmann, is when their ordeal started to take on a very scary aspect.

"The airport plods looked just like characters out of Pirates of the Caribbean – real one-eyed dodgy gits – who ripped our baggage apart then strip searched us both – and even shoved a flashlight up my arse looking for the supposedly missing dildo.”
“Believe me that did not tickle one bit and my effin’ haemorrhoids haven’t felt right since.”

They were then locked in what Dorkmann described as a hot and humid, stinking cell with graffiti painted on the walls in both blood and diarrhoea – with one large piece in English stating ‘Welcome to Hell’ – ‘Sell a kidney and buy your way out’.

Over the following days Dorkmann managed to scavenge bits and pieces of tat and scrap and built a field telephone from a cocoa tin and a long piece of string - then miraculously got into contact with a Bangkok-based branch of the Samaritans.
They arranged for a Thai-speaking Sri Lankan interpreter – a certain Mr. Tony Corruptioni - who worked for Bangkok’s RentaTwat Tourist Assistance agency - to visit and assisst them.

They were taken by Tony to meet the airport police commander Inspector Charlie Zigzag but spent two hours being told how much they would have to pay to get out of jail - with nary a mention of guilt or innocence or a court appearance – or evidence that they had stolen the ivory dildo – if one ever went missing in the first place.

Tony and Inspector Zigzag promised that if Mr. Dorkmann paid them £7,500 they’d get him home to England in time for his mother’s funeral the following week – which quite surprised Dorkmann as she was still alive and well a few days before.

It was then that the couple realised the possible depth and seriousness of their predicament.
They were further informed the charges of shoplifting duty-free sexual aids in Bangkok’s Ripoffs & Sleaze Airport was a very serious offence that could well carry the death penalty.

If they didn’t pay within the next week, they would be transferred to Bangkok’s infamous Paris Hilton no-star prison and would have to wait for up to five years for their case to be processed – by which time they would have missed the funerals of all their family members.

Strangely enough the airport police station had its own ATM machine and foreign exchange counter, so Dorkmann and McScrunt were instructed to draw their respective £300 maximum daily cash limits until both accounts were empty.

They were then were kicked out of the police station and confined to an old garden shed within the airport perimeter, but their passports were held and were warned not to leave or try to contact a lawyer or their embassy – until Mr. Dorkmann’s UK house was sold and the money transferred to Inspector Zigzag’s bank account.

Anyone wishing to really help the couple resolve their current dilemma might consider buying their house and Fed-Ex’ courier pack the purchase price - in high denomination foreign currency banknotes - to Inspector Zigzag at Bangkok’s Ripoffs & Sleaze Airport police headquarters.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Yob Artificial Brain Prototype Test OK

A detailed functional artificial human brain will be available on the National Health Service within the next year – if we don’t all die of Sneezy Pig virus this autumn – or the effects of the toxic anti-flu vaccine - according to scientists and technicians assigned to TV’s Scrapheap Challenge research lab’s.

Several million people in the UK below the age of 25 have been diagnosed with suffering some kind of brain impairment – with 95% of oldies over pensionable age declared totally brain dead.

The causes of such cerebral damage in the young vary – from binge drinking gallons of Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper lagers on a daily basis, to cellphone micro-wave radiation syndrome, and snorting cheap solvents or superglue, or a 24/7 addiction to an MP3 player blasting out Crap Metal music and turning grey cells to toxic sludge.

Dr. Wilton Fuctifino, consultant neurologist to Scrapheap Challenge, told a reporter from the Hypothalmus Review that many of the under-25 brain damaged cases he had studied were the progeny of brain damaged parents – whose actual frontal lobes had visibly shrunk while they watched TV programmes such as Bell-Enders, Big Brother, the X-Factor, Strictly Come Wanking, and Coronation Street.
This apparently resulted in IQ’s and social skills being retarded – at best - to the level of an Irish Pit Bull terrier – and – at worst – to that of an earthworm.

The Numpty Dumpty Brain project, to counter the effects of what has become known in the UK as ‘Emmerdale Syndrome’, was launched by Scrapheap Challenge in 2005 with the aim of reverse engineering the mammalian brain from laboratory data and initially treat Adolescent Dementia in chav and hoodie sub-culture yob types.

Dr. Fuctifino explained "It is not impossible to build a simple human brain and we have already achieved the level of intelligence equal to elements of rodent scavenger mental capacity.”

“We did experienced earlier setbacks by using genetic material from Australian sheep which resulted in a batch of brain-dead teenage yobettes scurrying around the lawn on their hands and knees, chewing the grass and muttering ‘Gidday mate’ – which was a marked improvement on their initial mental states but not the success parameter target level we hoped to achieve.”

The project then evolved to injecting tens of thousands of baboon neurons into a volunteer test subject’s drug-addled brain.

Vinnie McScrunt, an unemployed 16-year old career chav, when told the definition of a volunteer was ‘someone who had totally misunderstood the question put to them’ gave a hearty thumbs-up and declared “Yep, dat’s me folks.”

Vinnie signed up for the artificial brain enhancement project with the hope that, if it was the success the doctors aimed to achieve, then he would be smart enough to wipe his own arse, tie his trainer laces and think up a string of benefit fraud scams.

So far Dr. Fuctiifino claims to be satisfied with progress, informing the media “It’s early days yet but Vinnie’s brain has been regenerated 90% with the baboon neuron injections and he is now smart enough to peel his own bananas and operate a TV remote control with minimal adult assistance.”
“By this time next month we hope to have him reading the Daily Sport and putting bets on at our local bookies.”

Friday, 24 July 2009

Pub Closures Blamed for Binge Drinking

That great traditional stalwart of the British working classes – the iconic local pub - was clocked as closing at a geometric rate of 52 per week in the first half of 2009 – a 30% hike on the same period in 2008 – according to a report just issued by the British Beer and Taverns publication – the Pisshead’s Gazette.

Local pubs became the most vulnerable as communities were hit by the fallout of the economic downturn, with regular drinkers and all-out alcoholics having to resort to cheaper brands of plonk – such as low octane paint stripper, anti-freeze, unleaded sherry, decaffeinated meth’s and semi-fermented dog piss.

Opinions have varied as to the why’s and wherefore’s of binge drinking in the past but Tavistock Institute psychologist Fellatia van der Gobble – who works part-time as a bar maid – postulates, after reading the report, that when the younger generation are out on the lash they drink as much – and as fast – as possible to get their fill before the pub is slapped with an Alcohol Disorder Zone notice halfway through their bender session and converted into yet another of the UK’s ubiquitous Pound Stretcher shops – or gets demolished to construct one more of the local council’s favourite buildings – an additional ‘zero occupancy’ high rise office block.

Candida Mingerot, a 16-year old mother of three, told a reporter from the Alcoholics Review “I can only get out at weekends when me Mum looks after der kids like, so we goes down ter our local boozer an’ yer gotta queue up fer yer drink an’ the effin’ bar staff are such effin’ slackarses an’ so slow that we smuggle a couple of bottles of cheap liquor in wiv us fer top-ups.”

“If der weather’s good we just grab a load of discount plonk from Bargain Booze or Threshers or der Grotty Grocer supermarket an’ we goes an’ squats in a bus shelter or der park an’ gets rat-arsed cos der pubs charge too effin’ much.”

Conversely Vinnie McTwat, a 17-year old apprentice skateboard mechanic, informed Pox News “We woz in de pub celebratin’ like cos me mate Ghengis ‘ad just cum outa court fer stabbin’ two plastic plods an’ ‘e got off wiv an Asbo an’ a Community Service Order cos all the effin’ jails are full like.”

“Anyways we’re ‘avin’ a few pints of Bitch Thumper and this Bob der Builder type bloke comes up an’ tells us all ter fuck off – polite-like – cos they’re turnin’ the boozer inter an effin’ charity shop ter collect money fer gollies in some shit’ole called Africa.”

British Beer and Taverns spokesman Armitage Shanks told the media “Obviously we don’t mind the binge drinking yobs, chavs and hoodie types – they really fill our tills. It’s the old fogeys who come in and sit down with half a pint of Old Headbanger and make it last them the evening while they sit by the fire and read the pub newspapers and watch our tellys.”

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Millipede Promises Green Jobs For All

One of Britain’s biggest employers in the green energy industry is to cease production within hours of a paradoxical government announcement today pledging as many as 400,000 green jobs by 2015.

Ed Millipede, the Global Warming Scare Secretary, claims Britain will become a world leader in low-carbon technology and manufacturing, then further argues that raising household energy bills to pay for investment in nuclear, wind, solar and tidal power is justified not only by the dangers of climate change and marauding polar bears and psychopathic penguins but also the opportunity to totally bankrupt the unemployed British public.

Millipede, younger brother of the infamous David Millipede, the current Minister for Garden Sheds, has the same problems as his sibling when it comes to talking actual common sense.

Regardless of his 400,000 green jobs boast, tomorrow morning the Vestas factory in Newport on the Isle of Wight - Britain’s only significant manufacturer of wind turbines, will produce its last batch of seven-tonne blades for the ubiquitous towering abominations.

More than 600 people working at the plant, and a related facility in Southampton, will be given the push and join the ever-growing queue of unemployed Brtis at the Jolly Jobcentre.

However in keeping with the perfect logic of his green jobs announcement the 7,000 wind turbines that the Government will commit today to installing over the next decade will be manufactured overseas – in sub-standard engineering product shitholes like India and China who don’t even pay lip service to their own carbon footprint or CO2 reductions.

Wind power will be at the centre of today’s Global Warming Hoax Propaganda White Paper, which will set out how each sector of the recession-hit insolvent economy will be forceably milked by iniquitous stealth taxes to meet the overall target of a 34 per cent cut in CO2 emissions by 2150.

Conversely workers at the Vestas plant questioned whether Millipede’s numpty pledges could be taken seriously when the government had done nothing to save the UK’s only wind turbine factory – preferring to totally emasculate our once-sceptered isle – the progenitor of the Industrial Revolution.

However while the global warming scam is set to generate zillions of bucks in profits for the asinine carbon exchange cap and trade industry, who gives a flying shite about 600 jobs on the Isle of Wight.

One ponders when someone is going to latch onto the fact that during the 200 and odd years of the Industrial Revolution, Britain’s pollution levels – especially so the atmospheric elements of the environment (from CO2 and heavy metals – with inefficient coal fires heating every home and the smoke going up the chimney) were deadly and a thousand fold worse than today - causing impenetrable pea soup fogs and respiratory diseases in anybody old enough to cough.

However the ozone layer didn’t actually disappear and we didn’t fry from unfiltered solar radiation, nor did the polar bears drown or migrate due the icecaps melting – and there is no record of anyone getting pecked and savaged by disaffected penguins.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Second Oldest Profession Hits Headlines

A German brothel is doing its bit to help the burgeoning carbon footprint reduction effort by going green in a bid to attract more business in tough economic times – and preserve the environment.

Customers who arrive by bicycle at Berlin's ‘Smiley Face Slut’s Salon’ will receive a five euro discount on the usual fee of 70 euros - plus a free Black Mamba ribbed condom.
The discount also applies to those horny perv’s who can prove they walked or rode public transport to get there, bordello Madame Inger Dropnicks told a reporter from the Knocking Shop Gazette.

"It's good for business, it's good for the environment and it's good for the girls," she added. “The customers are really up for a good shagging session after a spot of cardio-vascular exercise - riding a bike across Berlin to come here and get their rocks off.”

The recession had hit the sex-for-sale industry hard, Ms. Dropnicks related but the offer appeared to be working as their car park was full of bicycles from noon to midnight.

"We have around thirty new customers coming in daily to take advantage of the discount," she claimed, adding the green concession scheme had helped ease traffic congestion and freed up parking in the neighbourhood.


Across Europe in London however, where the second oldest profession is still frowned upon and exists as a covert commercial enterprise, a cgeometric increase in prostitution and sex trafficking is forecast for the 2012 Olympics.

A report by the Metropolitan Brazilian Electrician Snuffers Authority (MBESA) warned the increase in dodgy deviants and perverts visiting the city for the games could see a rise in daily instances of rape and kiddie fiddling - apart from the Biblical legions of unemployed slappers taking to the streets and flogging their gollies to horny foreign types with a few bob to spend on a knee trembler.

Thousands of site workers, spectators and athletes are expected to fuel the sex industry boom.

It is estimated that in the lead up to the Games, 100,000 people will be involved with the preparation, and the event itself will manifest the arrival of 10,500 athletes, hundreds of thousands of spectators and 20,000 journalists – all of whom are forecast to be on the lookout for a ‘souvenir quickie’ during their visit.


Japan's love motels are attracting interest from more than just single or adulterous couples looking for a place to spend a few private hours and shag each others brains out in erotic comfort.

Investors are also interested, with this vast market proving more resilient to the recession than luxury tourist and business hotels.

Japan has a conservatively-estimated 25,000 short time love motels which are visited an estimated 500 million times a year – but not by the same couple.

Clustered around train and bus stations, they are doing a brisk business despite the worst recession in living memory.
Flamboyantly designed and exotically named – such as the Pom-Pom Motel or Suck n Fuck Chalet - they offer rooms by the hour, euphemistically marketed for a short rest or a longer – overnight - stay.

Contact with staff is kept to a minimum. This is a business that runs on discretion.
Some have underground car parks and entrances, while others provide screens to shield visitors' number plates from spying private detectives, divorce investigators and a variety of kinky perverts who get off on voyeurism.

Legions of customers use love motels to indulge in illicit and clandestine affairs – with adulterous wives, secretaries willing to do anything for a higher pay scale, and to meet prostitutes, although many are couples escaping the narrow confines of Japanese apartment living for a couple of hours of private carnal pleasure.

Ms Aji No Moto and partner Dim Sum Dum are typical of Japanese in their twenties, still living with their parents and siblings.
Dim Sum told a reporter from the Short Time Gazette “Our apartment only has one big room, apart from the outside crapper and shower, so at night when we make love my Mum and Dad turn the telly off and watch us humping – it is most embarrassing and puts me off my stroke.”

“So when we get our salary each month we head off to the Horny Dragon Motel for a couple of hours of carnal privacy and have a good bonking session.”
“This is very good motel as they have bondage theme rooms where we can dress up and play doctors and nurses or get into Kempeitai uniforms and BD/SM games and spank each other.”

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, Yakuza snitch Fok Yew informed Pox News "Not like city hotels, not like business hotels - for our gang’s short time love motels we have kept a 400% occupancy rate, so each room is, on average, used four times a day – but you get clean sheets after the last occupants have ‘come’ and gone - and – you can have a choice of blow-up dolls with real pubic hair and a vibrating vagina if you’re too ugly to get laid for free – or too cheap to pay a whore for a hour's fun.”

For those who suffered from chronic Truant Syndrome while supposedly attending school, prostitution is classified as the ‘second oldest profession’ - the first being grave-digging.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

UNICEF Pig Flu Propaganda Targets Kiddies

Swedish wooden toy makers Brio have joined up with UNICEF and the criminal World Health Organisation in developing a propaganda game set to target young children and convince them that the fake Sneezy Pig H1N1 swine flu viral pandemic is a real threat - and not more at scent than substance - so they’ll shout out aloud “Mummy! Mummy! I want my piggy wiggy flu vaccination right now and fuck the risk of autism!”

The toy set is designed to make the globalist scumbag UNICEF out to be a rescuing super hero.
The “Immuno Mission” game layout is a classic Brio wooden railway set converted to look like a Bolshevik genre Gulag, and based around a simple story, which will highlight UNICEF’s work having dodgy contaminated vaccines manufactured then injected into hapless kids worldwide.

The product contains scores of play pieces including syringes, body bags, doctors and nurses, Gestapo type Civil Enforcement officials, plastic plods with tasers and guns, a concentration camp style quarantine zone complete with real barbed wire and electrified fence, Blackwater / Xe armed guards, a working gas-fired crematorium, Christian and heathen-faith cemeteries, disposable plastic coffins and that old Swedish fairy tale favourite - Ulf the Undertaker - to dispose of all the five billion silly peasants who don’t get their flu jabs in time and die agonizing deaths by suffering spasms of porcine grunting before coughing up lumps of festering lung tissue.

In the game’s accompanying story book, Oinky, the nasty Sneezy Pig virus comes to the village and the children have to call Cef, the UNICEF hero.
Cef immediately comes to the children’s rescue driving the WHO emergency ambulance and brings Doctor Quack and crates of Baxter's contaminated toxic vaccines for them.

Once the children have been given their immunization jabs they help Cef hunt down Oinky and beat him to death with claw hammers, baseball bats and hockey sticks then burn his battered corpse with white phosphorous grenades.

The product is aimed at children aged 3 years upwards - to the teenage retard chav and hoodie levels.

The mission set has been stealthily developed with both children and adults in mind. Parents can interact with their kiddies by reading the story book to them, which provides an opportunity for the children to ask questions and soak up the perjurious propaganda designed to promote the scare factors of the fake pandemic and convince parents and kids alike that the toxic vaccines are a must to ensure their salvation.

It is hoped by the WHO and other Masonic-Zionist- controlled New World Order eugenics proponents who are planning on achieving a massive global five billion depopulation cull, that their media propaganda campaigns will lure a gullible scare-mongered world-wide public into accepting the planned blanket immunization programmes and thus avoid the requirement for quarantine camps and enforced gunpoint vaccinations – with recalcitrant non-conformist types getting prematurely snuffed from bullet wounds instead of this week’s special offer viral pandemic.

The only conjecture surrounding the current fake H1N1 pandemic centres around the fact of : ‘Is it the real thing?’ – the global killer virus or just another one to further compromise our immune systems – being spread by aerosol methods and contaminated vaccines – or is it simply a test run to measure and judge the public reactions – so the forces of Darkness are fully armed and prepared to implement the real McCoy on schedule?

However it all comes down to a matter of credibility and the fact the WHO etc, et al, pawned their moral franchise decades ago when millions of female Mexicans, Nicaraguans and Filipinas were duped into taking tetanus vaccines which were purposely laced with a female hormone that caused miscarriage and sterilization.

Almost 100 million Africans were inoculated by the WHO in their smallpox eradication program – the vaccine for which was contaminated throughout with HIV-AIDS – which was further introduced to gay males in the U.S. simultaneously in the late 1970’s through the Hepatitis B vaccine developed by Merck, Sharpe, and Dohm Inc.

So, with Satanic pathogenic nasties like weaponised Anthrax, Ebola, AIDS, Morgellons Disease, SARS, Bird flu and Bubonic plague and scores more in the Iluminati’s peasant-culling arsenal, and able to be spread via a myriad of devices – from chemtrails to automatic sneezing machines – is it any wonder nobody has faith in the probity of the big Pharma’ companies – alike the culpable Baxter - manufacturing this toxic crap, or believes anything their respective governments ordain – or trusts the word of a World Health Organisation directly responsible for the intended and deliberate murder of millions.

Keep Britain Tidy – Ship the Shit to Brazil

Two dodgy British companies are being investigated following the discovery of millions of tonnes of hazardous waste shipped from the UK and discarded indiscriminately around Brazilian ports.

Worldwide Shit-Dumpers and UK Brit-Crap Recycling, which coincidently share the same dodgy directors and are based in Scumbury, were named by Brazil’s environment inspectorate, MERDA, as suspected of being involved in the illegal shipment of toxic hospital waste, plus assorted industrial and commercial crap, to the country.

In the Brazilian port of Guarujá, near São Paulo, one reporter from the Daily Shitraker was shown 250 containers yesterday crammed with all kinds of nasty crap shipped across from the UK.

A crushed bottle of Greedy Grocer brand Wankozade isotonic drink and one of Pukesbury’s ‘Snobs’ range of empty orange juice cartons offering the promise of a ticket to the BBC’s ‘Most Crooked MP of the Year” awards betrayed the origin of one consignment.

A box of pirate DVDs entitled ‘The NWO’s Climate Change Conspiracy’ boasting the logo of Britain’s National Environment Research Directorate (NERD) lay on top of another pile.

Empty Chew & Spew polystyrene fast food cartons, bags of over-ripe dogshit - plus boxes of shredded account spread sheets bearing the name of a London bank - and its address and telephone numbers - peeked from the foundations of a new housing estate currently being constructed on top of acres of Brit-Crap garbage illegally dumped on a coastal landfill site.

The Brazilian companies that received some of the containers of waste claimed to have been expecting recyclable sex toys from the prestigious Ann Summers super-dil’ range.
Instead MERDA inspectors rooting amongst the crap for anything of use or resaleable value found syringes, condoms and piles of radioactive waste labelled ‘Sellafield’ in the containers – and only a singular antique clockwork Jackrabbit vibrator with a broken main spring.

UK-based Worldwide Shit-Dumpers is registered at Companies House as “an international sex aids recycling corporation that exports all types of second-hand erotic stimulation devices to our partners in South America.”
The company collects discarded vibrators, butt plugs and blow up dolls from commercial recycling Dildo-Dump wheelie bins across the UK.

Worldwide Shit-Dumpers and UK Brit-Crap Recycling were founded by Cuzo da Paneleiro and Chupa Minha Rola, who originally came to Britain from Brazil in 2005 to fill the gaping vacancies for electricians caused by the Metropolitan Police’s massacre of Arabic-looking South American types at Stockwell tube station that July.

MERDA investigators further claim that not only is toxic
commercial waste being shipped to and dumped in Brazil but also regular household garbage.

Fellatia van der Gobble, the official NERD spokeswoman, informed reporters that with the UK’s local council draconic regulations governing the amounts and types of garbage homeowners can dispose of in their wheelie bins without incurring heavy fines and prison sentences has prompted many people to donate their garbage to Third World charity groups or take the cheaper route of simply posting it via Royal Mail to far away Brazil – where the nuts apparently come from.

Fellatia further opined that Brazil had obviously become the next dumping ground of choice for international criminal gangs of toxic fly-tippers since Ghana was recently declared by the United Nations to be officially full of unwanted shite.

Sunday, 19 July 2009

New Tory Laws Terrify Youth Offenders

Seizing children’s mobile phones, bicycles and Lego sets could deter them from getting into trouble, according to Wentworth Fuctifino, the Conservative Shadow Home Secretary.

Fuctifino told the media that giving the national Plod Squad powers to confiscate children’s property could become a kind of “21st-Century kick up the proverbial arse.”

The Conservatives say the idea is ‘really super’ and part of a broader criminal justice strategy, which is due to be unveiled as soon as anybody comes up with a realistic and workable scheme that stands a chance of being effective in the control of what the Tories term the hoodlum ‘Nokia generation’ – and whom the rest of polite society refer to as ‘yobs, scallies, chav shite, hoodie cunts and deadbeat scumbags.

Mr Fuctifino, who is viewed by critics as slightly out of touch with reality and classed as being ‘off planet’ for a while due his recent rehab’ from rhubarb addiction, claims the scheme came to him while drinking a Starsucks double Crappachino with choccie bits on top.
“We can hit the chavettes by confiscating their bling and doll’s houses and their mascara and lip gloss – then put them on a curfew so they have to be home and in bed by 6:00 pm – and no telly either.”

Fuctifino claims his brand of ‘community punishments’ would help plods to deal with antisocial behaviour without leaving children with a long-term criminal record that could harm their future employment prospects – if the Jobcentre ever has any work to offer them.

But Jack McTwat, assistant general secretary of the National Association of Yob Crushers, dismissed the plans as a superficial gimmick and as much chance of success as ‘shovin’ butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle’.

McTwat further opined to the media: “All the evidence shows that the way forward with these effin’ hoodlums is rehabilitation, not pointless punishment.”
“Takin’ their mobile phones away will just encourage them to nick another one.”

“Wot we need is fresh legislation bringin’ in so kids are brought up in an incubator until they’re 16 years old then and put straight into the army up in Afghanistan’s Shitcreek Province. A couple of years in a cavalry regiment or chained to the oars of a Moroccan slave galley would do ‘em no harm.”

Harrods Bans Last of the Mohicans

A woman whose hair was cut in a Mohican style and dyed incandescent vomit green to raise money for the charity ‘Brain Dead’ was refused entry to Harrods in Shitesbridge because she breached the store’s regulations banning both Cowboys and Indians.

Unemployed wine taster Minnehaha Scruntbury, from the Wankford Reservation in Greater Manchester, was informed she would only be allowed in if she wore a wig or a head covering when she tried to shop at the prestigious London store.

The 17-year-old mother of four told the media she felt upset and embarrassed by the whole ordeal. “’Ere I woz, wiv me mate Hiawatha wot’s got ‘is ‘air all woven wiv mobs of seagull feathers wot we plucked out of dead scavvies at the local landfill site.”
“Anyways we woz just walkin’ in ter the shop an’ dis security guard bloke wiv a big beer gut an’ bad breath - like e’d bin eatin’ dogshit - comes up to me an sez “Fuck off Tonto and take Hawkeye wiv yer too.”

“Well, Hiawatha lost it an’ twatted the prick – really stuck the ‘ead on ‘im – so I put the boot in as well – right in ‘is bollocks - then the plods arrives an’ arrests us both.”

Minnehaha, rumoured by the gutter press to be a reformed rhubarb addict with connections to the Mumbai-based Lakota Sioux tribe of Indian Hindu extremists, originally had her hair styled in Mohican fashion last month to raise money for the Brain Dead charity after a family of nesting mice were surgically removed from inside her skull.

A Harrods PR spokesman, Fellatia Sodomotti, informed reporters : "Part of our dress code for customers includes extremes in personal presentation. If Ms. Scruntbury had agreed to leave her bow and arrows – and tomahawk - at the security counter and worn the proffered burka then there would have been no problem."

Conversely rumours abound that Harrod’s owner and conspiracy nut Pharaoh Mohammed al Fayed - father of Dodi, who was murdered in Paris alongside Princess Di’, has banned all Red Indian types since arch-evil bastard Prince Phillip threatened to have him snuffed for publicly declaring the couple were murdered by a Royal decreed assassination plot – reportedly telling Mr. al Fayed “I’ll have MI6’s Mohican ninjas grab yer scalp and yer scrotum Mohammed me lad, if you don’t keep yer effin' gob buttoned.”

Saturday, 18 July 2009

Masonic Lodge Raided for Witchcraft

A group of dodgy Freemason types were arrested and jailed in Fiji after superstitious local villagers complained to police the group were malevolent kiddie-snatching and Satanists practising witchcraft.

The thirteen men, comprising a traditional Mason’s Dozen, included eight very iffy Australian transvestites, four New Zealand Maori half-caste sheep shaggers and some French- Tahitian twat dressed in suspenders and a corset going by the name of Pierre.

The group, who had convened a full moon mid-night meeting on Denerau Island, told reporters they had spent a "wretched" time in jail, with two of their number falling foul of the infamous Suva Sodomites prison gang and blamed their arrests on ‘stupid shit-for-brains village people".

The arresting officers seized a variety of ritual paraphernalia including butt plugs, dildoes, magic wands, trowels, set squares, sexy lace aprons, fairy dust, bondage devices and a monkey’s skull from the Masonic lodge.
Both still and movie cameras were also seized, the film contents of which will be shortly made available on YouTube and the ever-popular Dirty Digger Deviants website.

One Australian, believed to be a Queensland Member of Parliament, who would only identify himself as ‘Louise’, told the Headhunters Gazette that Tuesday night's meeting was "interrupted by a hammering on the door by the police, and then being confronted with a mob of unwashed village gollies waving crucifixes and demanding we stopped cursing their breadfruit crops."

Louise further maintained there was nothing funny going on and no ritual murders or sacrifices of local children were scheduled before Halloween.

Police director of operations Inspector Whatsit Rhubarbpie told Numpty FM News in Suva that the group was being investigated for "allegedly practicing sorcery" and there had been lots of funny going’s on like strange handshakes – including men dressing as women and sticking unnatural things up each other’s back passages.

Freemasonry is a centuries-old secret society club for silly boyish types who enjoy dressing up in pinafores and so on - that was originally formed by the poofy bricklayer’s union who built King Solomon’s temple in Jerusalem (Palestine) - all of whom still practice arcane rituals, and boast more than five million dodgy members worldwide.

Emergency regulations imposed by Fiji's military regime allow police to detain common criminals or suspected terrorist types for up to 48 hours without charge – with those accused of practicing witchcraft and sorcery liable to be held incommunicado until their trial – after which they would be summarily burned at the stake.

Chinese Electro-Rendition for Net Addiction Banned

Possessing the world's largest online community, numbering over a billion users, China was forced to acknowledged it might have a problem with a growing digital-age scourge : internet addiction.

Tens of millions of people of all ages, and from across the full spectrum of society, suffer from the compulsive use of chat rooms, online gaming and self-gratification porn’ sites prompting the creation of government centres to treat the disorder.

But today it emerged that some of the treatments available are as worrying as the condition itself, prompting Beijing’s Minister of Health, Mr. Fuk Yew Tu to ban the use of electric shocks to cure chronic internet dependency.

Doctors released the first diagnostic definition of internet addiction last year, based on a study of more than 300,000,000 intensive users.
It classed addicts as those who spend at least six hours online a day and exhibit any of a range of symptoms - with losing the use of their legs and becoming glued to a pc chair the most prevalent.

The ban follows reports that Dr Flip Flop Fong of the Smiley Face Organ Donor psychiatric hospital, in Wanking province, was using electro-convulsive therapy (ECT).
According to the Daily Shitraker Fong claims to have invented xingnao ("brain-waking") therapy that involved sending a massive electric current from a wire stuck up the anus to the skull.
He added the stimulation might cause pain and make the patients piss and crap their pants but definitely cured them of their internet addictions.

The media further claims patients received ECT if they broke any of the centre's rules, which included eating chocolate, picking their nose, locking the bathroom door, eating crisps and sitting on Fong's chair without permission.
The parents of 12-year old net addict Dim Sum had to sign a contract before admission acknowledging that their child would be given ECT and might well end up even more of a total basket case.

According to the Brain Dead Gazette, when reporter Mr. Pak Lunch called the centre posing as a potential patient, clinic staff stated the treatment fee for internet addiction was 5,500 yuan (£500) a month - – or the equivalent in Greedy Grocer loyalty vouchers.
Asked whether electric shock therapy would be used he was informed it was termed "pulse therapy" and was also good for the cardio-vascular system, chronic impotence and making the hair stand on end.

Dr Kun Kare Less, who runs a well-known centre for curing internet addiction in the suburbs of Pingpong, told the media: "There are over a billion net users in China and half of them are young people.”

“More net users means more chances to be addicted to the internet. Young people quickly become addicted to computer games – with pervy old men – like myself - more addicted to grooming young girls on chatbox sites."

He said his clinic treated about 2000 patients a month for addiction, 80% of whom were aged 15 to 18 and after receiving a course of daily 30,000 volt shocks up their rear passage tended to avoid computers in entirety lest the treatment was repeated.

Dr Aji No Moto of the Shanghai Rendition Clinic denied his methods of curing internet addiction were an inhumane method of torture where a patient was strapped to a chair in front of a pc and every time they clicked the mouse on the IE icon they got zapped by a high voltage discharge up the rectum.

Dr Moto claims internet addiction is a very serious social problem, with a majority of his patients exhibiting symptoms of the condition that manifest by chewing their own fingers off if sat before a pc screen and denied internet access.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Common Purpose? - Call 666

There are now legions of people in the UK cognisant that the planned Kaflaesque-Orwellian European Union Superstate - following the manipulated ratification of the Lisbon Treaty - is just a matter of time and not one of ‘what if’ but simply ‘when’.

However a Biblical multitude of ordinary decent people are aware that the Masonic-Zionist Illuminati’s New World Order’s Fifth Columnists are actively weakening the UK internally and preparing covertly new government structures, putting in place compliant stooges and Quislings for when this insidious time manifests into hardcore reality.

These pestilent Trojan termites, since Thatcher snuffed the kid’s free milk and de-industrialised Britain, still gnaw away at the core of the established, traditional Anglo-Saxon social order to ensure the absolute destruction of the vital component that makes us all unique – our national identity – followed by the disintegration of the family unit and thus certifying total social fragmentation.

We have long faced the stealthy integration of alien cultures and racial types coupled with the clash of dissimilar religions.
The myopic eye of promotion stands as a paradox to the averted gaze of probity. Chav and hoodie sub-cultures encouraged. Drugs, gun and knife crimes, binge drinking, vandalism – all thrive. Problem – Reaction – Solution.

The forces driving this agenda forward are spread in wide array, but one faction, operating under the fraudulent guise of a charity, is a head of this Hydra that requires what all creatures of the shadows fear - public exposure in the bright light of day - ‘Common Purpose’ – the indoctrinating Gestapo wing of the extensive European Union espionage network in the UK.Common Purpose poses as a charity, albeit a fraudulent one, for according to the statutes of the Charity Commission "An organisation will not be charitable if its purposes are political.”

Hence, Common Purpose is not a charity and further shouldn’t be confused with ‘Common Porpoise’ a genuine registered charity linked to Dolphin Watch - which aids beached and distressed marine mammals.

Thus Common Purpose has illegally redefined the meaning of a 'charity'. Although Common Purpose might refer to itself as an 'educational charity', it is not the poor and marginalised that shall benefit. Instead, the main beneficiaries will be the global rich and shameless corporations.

Common Purpose is, in all truth and reality, a political subterfuge organisation being used to recruit the zealous and compliant bureaucrats needed to run Britain when the country is taken over by the Fascist European Union.

A principal method employed by Common Purpose in subverting Britain is by infiltrating their graduates into managerial positions of power in both local and national levels of government, the media, the NHS, the military, the police and the judiciary - across the entire spectrum of national bureaucracy.

Common Purpose needs these graduates to run the social control bureaucracy of the British regions of the European Union Police State in what they term the 'post-democratic' society.

The EU intelligence and monitoring teams – read spies and snitches - are currently charged with seeing how well the EU's plans are doing and reporting on anti-EU activists and general dissenters.

They not only engage in legitimate, open-source intelligence gathering such as monitoring websites, newspapers and political meetings but also engage in illegal intelligence gathering activities alike bugging, surveillance of individuals and burglary.

Their ideal recruits are legion and the type of personnel who will bear no qualms about ‘following orders’ and will eventually take a sadistic pleasure in turning on the ‘showers’ to gas the bathers while their peers stoke the crematoria.

Conversely those Common Purpose graduates who are salaried public servants collectively breach the Seven Principles of Public Life as set out by the statutes and regulations of the Committee on Standards in Public Life by implementing the EU’s iniquitous agenda – especially so with regards to murder, when the concentration camps are up and running – and filled to capacity.

We now observe the creation of their extended enforcement bureaucracy : the plastic plod patrols – the PCSO Police Community Support Officers, and too the conversion of Traffic Wardens to the sinister-sounding titles of Civil Enforcement Officers – Community Wardens – all so Gestapo-esque and reminiscent of Fascist Germany under the 12 year long catastrophe that was the Nazi’s 'Thousand Year' Third Reich.

To wit, the main objective of Common Purpose is social control in a collectivist and corporatist society preparing to implement the globally-orchestrated plan to introduce compulsory 'community service' – at youth levels and upwards - leading to national military and security service career assignments - to impose yet another layer of the people policing the people and reduce us all eventually to the status of Pavlov’s dog.

Never overlook the Jesuit maxim : “Give me the child until he is seven, and I will show you the man.”

To recap, the primary objectives of Common Purpose are the destruction of the national identity of Britain, the destruction of democracy in Britain, the undermining of traditional beliefs and values and the slow, secretive merging of the public and private sectors into a state-controlled partnership.

This will be achieved by basically promoting and copying the Hegelian dialectic of creating order out of chaos : and wherever chaos does not already exist, Common Purpose graduates will be tasked with creating it via 9/11 and 7/7 style false flag operations – and shooting any and all Brazilian electrician types who get in their way. Create the Problem – foresee the public Reaction – then provide the desired, pre-prepared Solution.

This is what Fabian New Labour, the European Union Police State and Common Purpose are creating for their Masonic-Zionist overlords. The economic and social chaos that we are witnessing in this recession has been deliberately engineered and infected the body politic of Britain with their malignant cancer that must be excised and burned to ashes regardless of the blood spilled or levels of pain endured.

Dodgy Russians Pulling Out of UK

Russian zillionaire Oleg Mobsaroubles today informed the Oligarchs Gazette he is considering breaking off all connections with Britain owing to its recession-hit economy and the fact most of his kowtowing ‘brown envelope’ MP’s were about to get axed from re-running at the next election due their dodgy expense claims.

The possible move also follows the collapse of the Birmingham-based white van manufacturing company - STD Crap - that Mr Mobsaroubles once owned as a money-laundering tax excuse.

Regardless of giving Britain the boot, Mobsaroubles - one of Russia's richest men, still owns a big garden shed bought for an estimated £25 million on one of London's most exclusive landfill sites - the Mayfair Tip.

Last summer the then EU trade commissioner Lord Peter Scandalson and Tory shadow chancellor George Sleazeborne were involved in a massive shit-flinging controversy after a party on his yacht.

Mobsaroubles is particularly annoyed with the UK’s gutter press due their reporting of the party last summer when his 72-metre yacht, the Jolly Rodgering, was moored off Corfu.

"We had a good dinner – baby grey whale and chips with lots of bubbly Bollinger - and there were many people – lots of celebrity high-class whores that can suck the chrome off a caravan towing hitch – and it is all lots of fun.”

“Next thing this little Tory shit George Sleazeborne starts sponging off me for a donation of a few million quid for the Conservative party – promising me I’ll become Sir Oleg once they get into power next year – saying he can introduce me to some guy called Big Dave - so I tells him ‘Maybe’ – with a big ‘perhaps’ on the ‘maybe’.”

“Next thing Sleazebourne and Scandalson are poking at each other across the table with pickle forks – with one calling the other a poof and a faggot and the other saying he’s a silver spoon Tory scumbag – until my good buddy Natty Rothshite gives them both a slap round the head with a sock full of cold caviar. So all was well that ends not so well, okay.”

But ‘all’s well’ wasn’t the case for as soon as they were back in London ninety-nine kinds of shit broke loose in the media with the gutter press labelling the affair Yachtgate – and super-snitch Sleazebourne accusing Scandalson – then EU Trade Secretary who oversaw all EU metal tariffs – of removing punitive import duties on aluminium products that vastly benefitted Mr Mobsaroubles’ company ‘Russ-Crap Ally’.

Scandalson has since vehemently denied doing Mobsaroubles any financial favours although did candidly comment to one reporter “I wouldn’t mind doing Oleg a favour in another department really as he’s so cute and cuddly.”

It is now speculated that this publicised ‘conflict of interest’ and dodgy dealing – whether valid or not – is the reason the Labour government refused to shore up Mobsaroubles ailing STD Crap white van manufacturing company in Birmingham – preferring to keep a political safe distance and let the natural laws of insolvency take their course.

Mr Mobsaroubles told reporter Candida Frigarotti from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “I am not now going to buy any of your English Premier League football clubs. I am so very disappointment with Britain – it is a bigger dump than Russia.”

But for now, Oleg Ivanovich Mobsaroubles has wider problems to consider than Britain.
According to Greed magazine, his burgeoning fortune has shrunk over the last year from £58 zillion to a mere £35 zillion due major negative fluctuations and crashes in the confetti and dolly mixture manufacturing industries.

Yet Mobsaroubles says he doesn't know how much money he has as his core holding company ‘Kriminals’ diversifies into more and more sectors - including potted plants, arms deals, electric cars, theme park construction, aviation, narcotics, financial services, political assassinations, whole wheat bakeries and the international property market.

However the latter venture suffered a recent knockback when his property development wing’s offer to buy Sesame Street was vehemently opposed by radical militant children’s groups acting in coordination with the Wildlife Protection Agency as being the home and nesting grounds of the endangered mustard-yellow Big Bird species, thus resulting in the entire neighbourhood being reclassified as a Grade 1 Heritage conservation site and thus preserved in perpetuity from development.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

NHS : A Shag A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

The UK’s inept National Health Service makes one of its more paradoxical statements - addressed to school children - by announcing their God-given right to 'an orgasm a day' – which in their profound wisdom consider might well keep the doctor away.

The squirly NHS ‘roundabouts and swings’ guidance is advising school pupils that they have a "right" to an enjoyable sex life and that regular sex can be good for their cardiovascular health and relieving all manner of psychological stress.

The advice appears in illustrated booklets circulated to parents, teachers, youth workers and school children from age nine on, and is meant to update sex education by telling students about the benefits of enjoyable sex – including sketches of the Kama Sutra’s Thousand and One sexual positions, how to perform 69 in comfort and not get a stiff neck, the best lubrication for trying anal sex and a blasting of the urban myth for girls that ‘suck and swalow’ is fattening.

The paradox in this case comes from a total 180 degree swing in government policies, for while sermonising to schoolkids on the one hand to abstain from sex before marriage to avoid unwanted pregnancies – and prevent contracting AIDS / HIV and other nasty STD’s such as galloping cock rot or FPS – Festering Pussy Syndrome – now the NHS are telling them to go for it and bedamned.

NHS Muppet Show consultant sexologists, Doctors Statler and Waldorf, the authors of the 'Sex for Dummies' guidance booklet, claim that for too long experts have concentrated on the need for "safe sex" and archaic Church-orientated committed relationships while ignoring the principle reason that many people have sex – because it feels great – and in the case of prostitutes – can earn a whole shitpile of money for lying on your back and enjoying yourself.

Entitled ‘Simple Pleasures’, the booklet has been drawn up by the NHS’s main research think tank in Sesame Street, but is being circulated nationwide and the carries the slogan "An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away".

It also states: "Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes' physical activity three times a week – plus a wank a day if you’re too ugly or stupid to get laid.”

Obviously the booklets have grabbed the attentions of the intended readership, with schoolkids posting their comments and ‘sexperiences’ on the NHS’s ‘Simple Pleasures’ website at a geometric rate of knots.

11-year old Candida Muffitch posted “It woz effin’ great – I got me end away in me Dad’s garden shed wiv a lad from off the next estate wot’s got a paper round down our road. He shagged me brains out then shoved it up me arse as well, then made me give him a gam. Orgasms ? – I reckon I could do wiv three a day.
We’re gonna try bondage and spankin’ next week too.”

Ronnie Scrunt, a 13-year old pupil at Smegmadale Asbo Central High posted “Wot a fab book – best I’ve ever read - I cum dat many times me balls are rattlin’ – but why der fuck does a bitches pussy ‘ave ter smell like a fishmonger’s shop?”

Conversely, the new head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, Archbishop of Westminster Vinnie Nichols, who turns 163 in August, told a reporter from Hustler magazine that while the issues of ‘sex and orgasm’ were not ones he had ever participated in or experienced himself, he considered the booklets were "deplorable" and the NHS now an institution sunk to the levels of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Bonkers Boris Puts Foot in it - Yet Again

Certified squirly stand-up comedian and London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has described his £250,000 per annum for a weekly column scribbled for the Daily Shitraker as "chicken feed".

The arrogant serial idiot later told the BBC's ‘Dog Wankers’ programme that it was wholly reasonable for him take the second salary in addition to the measly £140,000 annual paycheque – plus performance bonuses, perks, and expenses - he gets for posing as a Dick Whittington wannabe too.

Following a swift elbow dig in the ribs by one of his political minders, the thatch-headed clown then declared to anyone still listening to his blather "Of course I also make substantial donations to charity - by throwing a few bob in my offshore tax-free Bonkers Boris Retirement Fund every chance I get when HM Revenue and Customs aren’t looking.”

However, Lord Mayor Bonkers, who suffers from a chronic case of BMS (Blonde Moment Syndrome), has a habitual mental flaw of opening his mouth before engaging what little brain he possesses, and is often described by the media as a shambolic mess – chaos in motion – and - an impending disaster just waiting for somewhere to happen.

When asked if his actions contradicted Conservative leader ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron's stand on second jobs, Bonkers Boris replied "Well I'm not a member of his shadow cabinet so I don’t really give a flying fuck what they say or do."

Lib Dem frontbencher Norman Fuctifino criticised the mayor for dismissing his second salary in such a disparaging manner.

"There is nothing wrong with people writing newspaper columns, but this is a whole shitpile of money and for Boris Nonsense to dismiss it as 'chicken feed' shows just how out of touch he and the filthy rich spoiled brat Tory party are from the realities of life for millions of unemployed British peasants - struggling to make ends meet in the depths of a recession - on £60 quid a week Jobseekers allowance."

Conversely while Boris might be labelled an eccentric flibbertigibbet by the general public and his political contemporaries for a series of wide-ranging and frequent gaffes, his first year as Lord Mayor has certainly not been uneventful.

He’s waved the Olympic flag, hounded police commissioner Ian Bliar out of office for shooting Brazilian electricians, and sworn repeatedly at a dodgy Labour MP – when he launched a tirade of politically incorrect expletives at Labour’s Mr. Suntan himself - Keith Vaz - chairman of the House of Conmans home affairs committee.

Critics and supporters alike agreed that Bonkers committed one of his customary faux pas and came a wee bit too close to the truth by telling Vaz to go ‘fuck himself’ and calling him a ‘cunt in cunts clothing’.

A few of Mayor Nonsense’s passions and signature policies have become synonymous with his crackpot buffoonery.

The Neanderthal hairstyle, talking bullshit, cycling to and from his office, tree-planting, electric cars, falling over in rivers – all presumably to further bolster his extensive suburban popularity – not to forget his crusading for an extra national holiday to celebrate St George snuffing out old dragons - or trashing the cyclist-crushing bendy bus service and resurrecting the iconic Routemasters.

Could you live on a Jobseeker’s Allowance of £250,000 per year? Do you agree the current £60 a week is chicken feed? Do you live in London? Did you vote for Bonkers Boris? – well then , it all your fault you’ve ended up with the clot as Lord Mayor.

Send us your comments using the online form below and we’ll make sure they get tossed straight into the nearest recycling bin.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Fresh Calls for London 7/7 False Flag Attacks Inquiry

New photographs released on the fourth anniversary of the 7/7 false flag attacks on London transport appear to contradict the government’s official propaganda story that Muslim terrorists with home-made backpack bombs were responsible for the Tube and bus bombings which killed millions of people and wounded several others.

One photo in particular proves several survivors’ eyewitness statements claiming the bombs on the Tube trains were placed underneath the carriages and that manky Muslim Jolly Jihad type suicide bombers were nowhere to be seen.

One very reliable eyewitness statement is crystal clear in making it plain that no suicide bombers were involved, and the bomb could only have been planted underneath the train, contradicting the pre-concocted bullshit official story completely.

The words of 7/7 survivor, Australian tourist Bruce McBruce, who was just yards from the explosion when it happened, cannot be taken out of context.
McBruce, a victim of the Aldgate Station bombing, described to the Irrawaddy Evening News how he and his partner were sitting nearest to the bomb when it detonated.

“We’d been on there for a minute at most and then something went ‘Ka-Fucking-Boom’. The flash was like a huge electricity surge which knocked us out and burst our eardrums.”
He and girl-friend Crystal Tips were helped out of the carriage by a policeman who said “Ello, Ello, Ello - mind that big ‘ole, it’s where the effin’ bomb was.”
“The metal floor of the carriage was pushed upwards due the bomb being underneath the train,” Bruce added.

In their statements McBruce and Crystal Tips make clear four distinct points.
According to what they witnessed, there was no suicide bomber, there was no rucksack or backpack that could have contained a bomb, there was nobody around the location where the bomb exploded, and the bomb explosion erupted upwards from beneath the carriage floor - due being placed underneath the train.

The fact that the ID’s of all the so-called suicide bombers were found in pristine condition right next to where the bombs went off in the carriages strongly suggests the planting of evidence - post-explosions - to frame their Muslim patsies.

Questions surrounding the highly suspicious circumstances of the 7/7 bombings have been met with a stonewall response from the British government – from Tony Bliar to the present incumbent clot – Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown, leading survivors and victims’ relatives to demand an independent inquiry – and not one chaired by another government toady such as Butler or Hutton – or controlled by career scumbag Lord Peter Scandalson – aka Vermin in Ermine.

To add substance to the false flag theory there actually was a mock terrorist exercise going on in London that day on behalf of the Metropolitan Police.
This was revealed by the organiser and former Scotland Yard counter-terrorism officer Peter Porkies of Visor Consultants on Radio Conspiracy right after the atrocities.

Porkies told Pox News “At half-past nine this morning we were running an exercise for a company of over a thousand people in London based on simultaneous bombs going off precisely at the railway stations where it happened – at the same time – now isn’t that an odd coincidence.”

That afternoon Tony Bliar - who was hosting the G8 summit on ways to implement the mass culling of the global population at Gleneagles in Jockland - returned to Downing Street to declare that the attacks were terrorist acts carried out by Muslim crazies in the 'name of Islam'.

Tut-tut – Pinocchio telling big porkies again on behalf of his Masonic-Zionist bosses – to prompt a shit-scared Christian public into screaming “Tony! Tony -Save us Tony!” and thus boost support for their illegal Afghan - Iraq wars – and the eventual planned military actions against Iran.

So, four numpty dumpty patsy Paki’ terrorists from Leeds, who weren’t on the three tube trains that were hit by backpack bombs, or on a suspiciously re-routed double decker bus, but managed to get themselves snuffed later that day at Canary Wharf, supposedly blended a high-brisance explosive mix in a bathtub using chapatti flour and hair bleach - from an online anarchist Granny’s recipe.

Three of their number are then purported to have boarded said tube trains with bombs concealed in their backpacks and, even though miles apart by this time, detonated the bombs at precisely the same second – obviously using some form of electronic trigger and an electrical detonator. Be a wee bit obvious opening the backpack and putting a match to a smoky sizzling blue sump fuse.

So, how did the Jihadists detonate their bombs simultaneously? Good question – because they didn’t.

The explosives – military grade C4 - were pre-planted the previous night by agents provocateur and all detonated simultaneously through a safe frequency radio wave.

A backpack bomb placed on the floor – even if loaded with military grade explosives – would, when detonated, radiate the blast up and outwards – not downwards – hence no hole in the floor – due any air blast taking the path of least resistance.

If we had such a thing as an honest government then a sampling of the post-blast explosive residue subjected to ion chromatographic analysis would have revealed the marker or taggant chemicals - such as 2,3-dimethyl-2,3-dinitrobutane (DMDNB) - to determine the explosive type and identify its source - Israel.

Chapatti flour and hair bleach stirred up in a bathtub – with whatever else might make this unlikely cake mix go BANG! – such as a shock-tolerant additive with a high detonation velocity - alike octanitrocubane - it was not.

Our ruling elites consider themselves so smart – and we the common landless peasants so dumb – that they can get away with blatantly rubbing our noses in it –the brown smelly stuff – time after time.
However they’re not too smart, regardless of their inherent arrogance and false sense of superiority.
They are as transparent as glass and guilty of such crimes against humanity over this past decade that the sins of the Nuremberg Nazis would appear like the antics of Dennis the Menace by comparison – and all deserve their rightful place in Dante’s Ninth Circle of Hell.

The fact they were born with royal mutant blood or attended some public school sodomite’s paradise or were inducted into the Masons – or any one of their countless secret societies - doesn’t boost IQ – or credibility.

For anyone who has military experience from active service, and knowledge of explosives, will look at the evidence every time - 9/11 or 7/7 or the Sari Club micro-nuke in Bali - and know with absolute certainty that someone is telling big porkie pies.

Ten Commandments Redundant under NWO

Knowledge of the Bible is declining among people in the UK according to academics from the National Tubthumpers Literacy Survey who found that young people believe the Good Book is a pile of old-fashioned tat and all about fantasy characters like God and the Devil and blokes getting crucified for giving the Romans shit.

More than 144,000 people from faith and non-faith backgrounds were surveyed, with fewer than 5% able to name half of the Ten Commandments and 3% believing they were part of the new Highway Code.

Seven out of ten believed the Bible was a forged Jewish propaganda treatise, similar to the Protocols of Zion, which falsely established their right to kick some hapless peasant Arab ass, seize their Palestinian homeland and rename it Israel.

Nevertheless the study revealed many homes still retained a Bible amongst their worldly chattels – though normally one pilfered from a holiday hotel bedside table and not a family heirloom.

When asked their main uses for the Holy Book, meaning to imply as a source of spiritual guidance or comfort in times of bereavement and loss, the two main answers were ‘killing wasps’ and ‘proppin’ up the sofa after one of the legs fell off’.

The study revealed that 62% of respondents confused Jonah and the Whale with Moby Dick, and 60% could not name anything about the story of the Good Samaritan apart from the fact they were thought to be a group you could call on the telephone for advice on assisted suicides.

35% thought St. John the Divine was a Pikey car boot vendor, and Revelations was a pop group – just like Genesis – with the Book of Psalms considered to be a do-it-yourself guide to growing indoor tropical plants.

One respondent though David and Goliath were Gay Pride March organisers while another thought Daniel - who survived being thrown into the lions' den - was the Lion King.

A group of semi-academic chavs, several of whom could actually read, argued between themselves as to the Bible being written by “Jesus – or some Jewish twat called Moses”.
One bright spark, although not the sharpest pebble on the beach, ventured that the Commandments had something to do with God giving Moses two tablets - for his bad back.

Conversely, in this age of moral decline where one has to ‘Sin to Win’, what else can we expect.

While the Israeli government since 14th May 1948, and Western governments since 9/11/2001, have broken every commandment in the Bible in pursuit of achieving their own greedy selfish ends – including the sacred 11th – Thou Shall Not Get Found Out - why should the common sheeple even bother to pay lip service to a code of moral laws that their own national ruling authorities ignore and break with continued impunity – citing the threadbare mantra of Manifest Destiny and saving the Third World heathen types from themselves.