Monday, 31 August 2009

Murdcock’s Brat-Sprog Curses BBC

News Corporation's CEO, the diminutive Jimbo Murdcock, in typical hereditary Aussie whingeing fashion, has preposterously stated – in an all-out case of the kettle calling the frying pan ‘black arse’ - that a dominant BBC threatens independent journalism in the UK – and specifically the survival of the over-stretched and bloated fascist News Corporation Empire.

The 36-year old baby chairman of the Totalitarian media giant that now owns every newspaper and media outlet on the planet apart from the UK’s iconic Beeb – and the Beano – spat the proverbial dummy and blamed New Labour’s government for regulating the media to suit its own political ends – just like his geriatric father Rupert does when abusing a media Baron's prerogative on a daily basis.

The dictatorial Murdcock was blathering aimlessly on at the MacTaggart lecture at the Edinburgh Television Festival, seeking sympathetic support for his claims that organisations like the BBC, funded by the TV licence fee, as well as the Ofcom regulators, made it harder for other broadcasters to survive.

“The BBC is dominant," Murdcock claimed in practiced histrionic fashion. "Other organisations might rise and fall but the BBC's income is guaranteed and growing – and the scope of its activities and ambitions is chilling – and my old feller can’t buy shares in it."

News Corporation, which owns Sly Television and Pox News, lost what bankers term ‘lots and lots of effing money’ this year to the end of June, which his father, News Corporation Fuhrer 'Raving Rupert', said had been "the biggest fuck up since the last major fuck up – as no fucker or their dog are watching our programmes any more.”

Other media organisations are also struggling as advertising revenues have dropped due the New World Order / Zionist-designed bank crashes and ensuing global recession.

Moreover the once-faithfully gullible unemployed peasants simply cannot afford the monthly subscription fees to view re-hashed tat and crap on the Sly TV network every night – preferring the better entertainment value of peering out of an upstairs window and watching the daily spectacles of neighbouring houses get forcibly repossessed by bank-hired bailiffs from Renta-Thug – or rival gangs of drug-dealing hoodies and chavs fighting in the streets and gutting each other with their Mum’s kitchen knives.

However, lying at the root of Murdcock’s whingeing is the fact News Corporation recently announced it will start charging online customers for news content across all its global websites.

The Murdcockian viewpoint beholds that the free news access on the internet provided by the BBC makes it "incredibly difficult" for private greedy mega-profit news organisations like themselves to force people to pay for their news when they can simply log onto the Beeb’s website and view it for zilch cost.

The senior Murdcock, Wrinkly Rupert, told his own sycophantic hacks from Pox News that “The BBC are getting into the fatally bad habit of telling too much of the truth in their news reporting since the big blow-ups with New Labour and Bliar over the dodgy Iraq war dossiers and their murdering David Kelly to keep his big gob shut.”

“We at News Corporation have a tacit agreement with the dodgy governments of the countries we operate in around the world that we tow the party line, keep the sheeple happy with a few stories and some piccies about who’s just set Greece on fire again or why Gaddafi’s such a loathsome twat – divert attention from the fact Iraq and Afghanistan are both major military fuck-ups, and an attack on a non-nuclear Iran will be even worse – or that Israel’s kike politicos and military are a bigger bunch of cunts than the Nazis ever were."

“Our job’s to promote the sham Sneezy Pig flu pandemic to mass pandemonium levels so everyone screams “Help – save us!” and gets their toxic vaccine shots - and never let the cat out of the bleeding bag by telling the effing truth about the population cull.”

“So, how are we supposed to destroy the four traditional pillars of human identity - family, race, religion and nation - to corrupt human nature and usher in our Masonic Zionist New World Order when institutions like the BBC are getting funded by the peasant taxpayers and then broadcasting more truth than spin and lies?”

Ossetia iPhone Explodes – Millions Feared Dead

French consumer groups are investigating a disturbing bout of recent reports concerning iPhone 3GS models that have exploded or burst into flames spontaneously.

A 96-year old Granny, Madame Hilda La Kunte, from the Paris suburbs, suffered third degree burns and shrapnel trauma when her iPhone exploded while she was answering one of her regular ‘121 Adult Chat’ phone sex calls, according to the current issue of Le Merde magazine.

Consumers across Europe have reported similar problems with a new batch of iPhones just shipped from Apple’s recently-opened 'Outsource' manufacturing plant in Somalia, prompting an EU investigation.

Apple’s Mogadishu spokeswoman Fellattia O’Dinga told reporters that they were aware of the reports and just waiting to receive the cremated remains of the warranty-covered handsets from affected customers - or their surviving relatives.

Ms. O’Dinga denied reports the firm has been trying to hush-up cases of iPhones and iPods heating up and bursting into flames or exploding by threatening the complaining clients with legal action – or a visit from “some very nasty violent men who’ll break your legs.”

Jacko Scruntford and his daughter Blingie, from Liverpool, have accused the firm of trying to silence them with a gagging order after the child's iPod exploded – killing her pet guinea pig and blowing up the garden shed - and the family sought a refund – plus compensation for damages.

Apple UK reportedly offered to reimburse the cost of the iPod and fork out for a new guinea pig and a shed - but only if they kept the terms of the settlement confidential and signed the company’s obligatory ‘Blabber-Mouth’ agreement first.

The European Commission applied its Rapex system to issue an alert to the 27 EU member states about the potential China Syndrome problems with the iPhone 3GS models.

Rapex is the EU rapid alert system for dangerous consumer products which has halted sales – and forced recalls - of various products categorised as hazardous over recent months – such as ‘Home Brew Headbanger lager kits and the Albanian-manufactured Pikey Pete’s Tanning Beds.

A cosmopolitan gaggle of top rank boffins and anoraks were assembled for an emergency crisis meeting in Brussels last week to investigate the problem independently for the International Atomic Energy Agency after one of their weapons inspectors in South Ossetia alerted staff during a telephone call to his Vienna office that his iPhone was heating up - then reached a critical mass and exploded in a mega-nuclear chain reaction – devastating several square kilometres of a prime real estate landfill site.

The Brussels crisis team have so far concluded that the Apple device's unique new ‘sandwich-build’ dilithium crystal and plutonium long-life (sic) batteries could be the source of the problem – and further quoted a history of similar glitches with dilithium layering technology encountered by the Constitution-class Starship warp drive systems in the early 1970’s episodes of Star Trek.

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Quangos Blackball Everyday English Phrases

In a further attempt to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that the World has gone totally tits-up barmy dozens of UK quangos and unleashed taxpayer-funded organisations have ordered a purge of common words and phrases so as not to cause offence to any fucker or their dog – or cat – whatever – and put the Oxford English Dictionary in the library shelves archive section marked – ‘offensive and redundant’ – then throw up a big Sieg Heil salute to Common Purpose.

Among the everyday sayings that are being targeted for elimination in a bid to stamp out racism and sexism – and various other unspecified ‘ism’s’ in this topsy-turvey society are “blacker than the Ace of Spades, “gentleman’s agreement”, “holier-than-thou” - and “right-hand man” – which is seen as discriminating against cack-handed blokes – or women – and disabled persons – male or female – or transvestites.

The Northern Ireland Human Wrongs Commission has advised staff to replace the phrase “black day” with “miserable day”, according to documents released under the Freedom of Idiotic Suggestions Act 2008 - which caused an immediate complaint response from the Society for Miserable Twats (SA).

A survey just released by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money points out that certain words carry with them a “hierarchical valuation of skin colour”.

The report even urges employees to be mindful of the term “ethnic minority” because it can imply “something smaller and less important” – so if there is a singular elderly brown Islamic Asian gay person with a receeding hairline working in the office he - or she - should not be referred to as ‘the ethnic minority’ – even though there’s only one of him – or her – and should henceforth be called that ‘bald old Muslim Paki faggot’ - so as not to upset his ‘ethnic minority racial (or sectarian) sensibilities.

To take a step further into this potential quagmire of political suicide, the Institute for Regional Stupidity believes that the phrase “gentleman’s agreement” is potentially offensive to women and suggests that staff should replace it with “ladies agreement” – which immediately heralded in a rake of complaints from offended male types – and several cross-dressing groups.

Further idiotic advice issued by the Institute states: “Terms such as ‘black sheep of the family’ have no direct link to skin colour but potentially serve to reinforce a negative view of all things black – Africans / soot / boot polish / thunderclouds / coal etc - and really do upset the ‘ethnic minority’ darker-hued members of the sheep flocks in general – especially innocent young lambs – more so than whispering “mint sauce” in their ear.

The term ‘black as night’ is also under fire but nobody can quite decide what to do with the centuries-old phrase as night is, by it’s very nature, and in grand Shakespearean form - dark to the point of absolute –erm - ‘blackness’.

Equally, certain terms imply a negative image of ‘black’ by reinforcing the illusionary but accepted positive aspects of white.
For example, in the context of being above suspicion, the phrases ‘purer than the driven snow’ and ‘whiter than white’ are often used.
This is to be now changed to the religiously-orientated ‘purer than pure’ - which might prove to be a slight problem where paedo’ Catholic priests are concerned.

Many institutions have urged their workforce to be mindful of “gender bias” in language. The Learning and Skills Council wants staff to “perfect” their brief rather than “master” it, while Smegmadale University has singled out the phrase “Master bedroom” as being problematic – especially so when visiting a Pro-Dominatrix for a botty-spanking discipline session where her boudoir would be termed the ‘Mistress bedroom’.

Candida Pratt, spokeswoman for the Plain English Campaign, told a reporter from the Semantics Gazette “Political correctness can have good intentions but things are being taken to an extreme by these Common Purpose clowns and the EU donkeys in Brussells. What is really needed is a bit of common sense – which so far seems to be institutionally lacking all round.”

However the latest edict to be issued by Brussels this evening states quite plainly that the children’s favourite schoolyard skipping chant of “Eeny-meeny miney mo – catch a nigger by the toe’ is definitely OUT!

Ladbrokes Bookies are at this time declining to give odds or take bets on the entire index of Aesop’s Fables and the contents of the English Book of Nursery Rhymes being banned from public readership by Brussels before the year is out – followed by a grand action replay of the Fascist Nazi book-buring bonfires of the mid-1930’s.

Do you call a spade a spade – even if it’s a shovel? Can you tell the difference between black and white? Is pink the new green? In the next release of the Star Wars trilogy what should we call the ‘Dark Side’ of the all-pervasive Cosmic Force – the ‘Bright Side’? Do you think the Sith are a bunch of cunts? Is Darth Vader really such a bad bloke?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a free copy of the EU’s Common Purpose ‘Numpty Guide to Political Correctness’.

Saturday, 29 August 2009

False Flag Burka Gang Strike Again

A burka-clad man – or woman - was part of a gang of armed raiders being hunted by police after pirate DVDs worth an estimated £100 were stolen from the Smegmadale branch of Cockbuster Video.

The group burst into the High Street video rental store during the lunchtime rush hour and threatened staff with a bag of monkey nuts and a cucumber.
After grabbing armfuls of Adult Only blue movies they escaped on a waiting string of camels which were ridden off at full gallop along Dune Avenue in the direction of the nearby Oasis Housing Estate.

Police from the town’s elite Infidel Squad are already searching for two persons who raided the town’s branch of Bargain Booze last Friday while wearing burkas and theorise they might be part of the same gang – or copying their modus operandi.

The discount plonk outlet’s staff were terrorised with a pointed carrot by one supposed Muslim scallie while the other crammed their burka pockets with pork scratchings, Cadbury’s cream eggs and cans of Bitch Thumper lager before making good their high speed getaway on an unmarked skateboard.

A person wearing a burka – thought to be a man – or woman - threatened a bus driver on the Smegmadale Sands circular route a week ago with what is thought to be an eggplant before fleeing with the vehicle’s entire stack of gratis copies of the daily Metro newspaper.

Adding to this string of violent crimes a burka-clad robber armed with an aerosol tin of furniture polish and pushing a baby’s pram held up night staff at one of neighbouring Scumford’s branches of the Grotty Grocer 24/7 Stop & Rob franchises – escaping with a haul of several tins of Spam and a pack of Tampax.

Chief Inspector Alf Fuctifino from the Smegmashire Valley police told Pox News "Thankfully nobody was injured during the robbery but obviously the staff were terrified – with poor Achmed actually shitting his shalwar’s – and Janice – that’s the one with the acne – is undergoing psychiatric counselling for trauma and still doped up to her shifty little eyeballs on Beta-Blockers and Prozac.”

“However, with 90% of our population here being comprised of Jolly Jihadi Muslim immigrant types it’s rather difficult to sort out who the fuck is who when all the women – and half their iffy menfolk – are wandering the streets dressed in bedsheets or these ubiquitous black burkas.”

Conversely Sheikh Ali Baba Blacksheep, head of the Smegmadale mosque’s madrassa, opined to a reporter from the Scallies Gazette that “This is another of the evil Zionist Mossad false flag operations to make us look bad like rascals and cause enmity and hatred of the Muslim community by our infidel British neighbours.”

“We know this is the work of shifty kikes from the Weaselberg Street synagogue – they have been seen wearing burkas and trying to blame these robberies on our womenfolk – they stand out like lepers at the Haj.”

UK Plods Stoop to Robbing Cars

While there’s nothing unusual about discovering items of value have been stolen from unlocked (or locked) parked cars – including the actual car wheels or engine – or the car itself – by opportunist thieving Pikey scallies during the deepening recession, it may well come as a bit of a surprise to learn the 'culprit' was a member of your local Plod Squad.

Officers at Smegmadale-on-Sea, on the UK’s tropical south coast, are entering unlocked cars to remove valuables, like handbags, diamond necklaces, gunny sacks filled with £20 notes - or laptops, then leaving a note for the driver to say ‘Ello, ello, ello – look what we’ve just nicked!”

Police Supt Rudyard Fuctifino admitted, "Technically we are guilty of break-in and entry” - but in typical holier-than-thou bureaucratic fashion he denied his plods were breaching any law – simply preventing crime by removing temptation’s source.

Conversely a leading personal injury claims barrister Sue Fleecem QC told one reporter from the Totalitarian Gazette that plods could face civil proceedings for trespass if any items taken by them were damaged.

The new tactic, launched last month under the latest directive from the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, is aimed at tackling thefts from cars in the Smegmadale-on-Sea resort area - which rose by 40% since Christmas - until the beginning of August when the local police took over the car snatch trade from the Scallies-R-Us Gang.

However Supt Fuctifino has vehemently denied the veracity of reports that his officers have been observed actually using a crowbar to force a car boot or open a passenger door or sun roof – regardless of CCTV footage to the contrary.

Fuctifino told Pox News “My officers on patrol are only targeting unlocked cars with valuable items on display. They try to contact the owner, failing which they remove the item and leave a note for the driver to retrieve it from our central police station.” (for a small donation / facilitation fee of £20)

Conversely Mrs. Chlamydia Twatrot told reporters she came out of a local Townswomen’s Guild meeting to find her entire stereo system – CD and digital radio – plus sat-nav – had been ripped out of the dash and stolen – along with her personal vibrating pocket rocket from the glove compartment – and an unopened bag of mint imperials.

“I went back into the meeting hall and got the security guard to replay the car park CCTV camera recording for the previous hour. Two of Smegmadale-on-Sea’s supposed ‘Finest’ came sneaking along – snooping inside the parked cars – then disabled the Mercedes’ alarm, crow-barred the door open and stole items various.”

“When I turned up at the police station to complain they claimed my car’s registration had popped up on a terrorist watch list and that’s why it was broken into – to search for weapons and explosive devices.”
“What a load of old rot – I’m going to be writing to my MP.”

Likewise Ms. Fellatia van der Gobble, a Dutch tourist, went to register a complaint with the police after her car was burglarised only to learn it was the Plod Squad themselves who were responsible – and was further issued with a caution for leaving high value items visible inside the vehicle that could well constitute a breach of the ‘enticement to commit a criminal act’ statutes by providing due cause for some hapless felon to break into said motor vehicle.

When Ms. van der Gobble protested that the only items visible were a half-eaten box of donuts and a bag of M & M’s the Duty Sergeant commented dryly “And very tasty too.”

At the opposing end of the ‘reasonable cause’ spectrum Jacko Scrunt, a trainee benefit cheat, was today acquitted following his arrested by the vehicle crime Plod Squad for copying their routine, after he explained to the magistrate’s court he was simply performing his public duty, much as the police were seen to be doing, by removing the items from ‘temptation’s eyes’ and leaving a note informing the vehicle’s owner which local pawn shop the sequestered goodies could be recovered from.

Friday, 28 August 2009

Numpty News Roundup : August Edition

Controversy was still raging yesterday over the true ‘gender’ of South African athlete Caster Semenski after whinges and complaints from other competitors – the loser variety – in the Berlin World Athletics Championships – that she ‘runs like a bloke with a pair of bollocks’.

Semenski caused a bitter taste in competitor’s mouths after leaving her club-footed rivals trailing and going on to win the 800 meters gold medal in a time of 1:55.45.

Caster has stunned the athletics world with her boosted performances so far this season – prompting rumours and speculation that she’s on drugs or is really a guy – especially so after tests revealed her testosterone level to be three times higher than those normally expected in a female sample, according to a report in the Shitraker Sports News.

Only hours before the race it leaked out that the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) had demanded Semenski take a gender test amid complaints from other athletes she / he should not be allowed to run as a woman.

However IAAF staff physician Dr. Werner Fuctifino told Pox News “Caster possesses all the normal physical attributes of an 18-years old female – breasts, child-bearing hips and a vulva – and shows no evidence of having a pair of testicles. But I was slightly taken aback during her examination as I’ve never seen an erect six inch clitoris before.”


Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s Business Secretary, Lord Peter Scandalson – aka Vermin in Ermine – told media reporters he felt in ‘spiffing good form’ this morning after being discharged from St. Sodom’s Clinic for Latter Day Poofters following surgery to remedy a displaced prostate gland that was causing bladder problems.

As he left hospital Scandalson confided in one reporter from the Turd Burglar Gazette: "I’ve been really well looked after and had a jolly time – having things shoved up my bum by pretty male nurses - and am now back to pissing like a horse.”

To make a positive political point and avoid cross-party criticism Scandalson nixed private medical treatment and had the surgical procedure performed by the maligned NHS - which backfired when Jacko Scrunt, the Anarchists Party MP for Lower Scumdale, posited to the media “Yeah, Poofta Pete might be goin’ on the NHS but I’ll bet an effin’ fiver ‘e didn’t ‘ave ter wait fer six effin’ months ter get ‘is dodgy prostate fixed like the rest of us landless peasant types, eh?”

“My mate Frank woz in the A an’ E last Saturday night wiv a couple of stab wounds in ‘is chest wot ‘e got at the chippy an’ ‘ad ter wait til after lunch on Sunday fer a quack ter cum an’ stitch ‘im up – by which time ‘e’d lost fifteen pints of effin’ blood!”
“But yer get snobby upper-class government twats like Scandalson wot can’t take a piss so they get rushed inter ‘ospital an’ ‘ave an operation done an’ dusted before yer can say “Ow - that fuckin’ ‘urt!”

Prostate specialist nurse Fellattia Gulpington-Smythe of the St. Sodom’s Clinic ventured to Pox News “Benign prostatic hyperplasia is caused by a change in the hormone levels in men as they grow older, which makes the prostate enlarged – and is a very common condition in shirt-lifters like Lord Scandalson who have a natural proclivity for getting shagged up the arse by their Brazilian boyfriends.”

Royal Proctologist and international haemhorroid consultant Sir Peregrine Colonsky, who performed Scandalson’s surgery, is rumoured to have rebuked one reporter who accosted him on leaving the clinic for comment by declaring “Piss off you little twat – I’ve just spent the last two hours looking up an arsehole’s arsehole already!”


A pensioner who was hit on the head by a pineapple and a sack of assorted nuts while shopping intends to sue the supermarket for the ‘shirt off their back’ according to personal injury claims lawyer Sue Fleecem QC.

Rita Scrunt, a 96-year old widowed grandmother, was knocked to the floor by the items that tumbled on top of her when an upper shelf collapsed under the sheer weight of over-ripe discounted tat at the Smegmadale branch of a Grotty Grocer supermarket.

Mrs. Scrunt was medivac’d to hospital where she was later diagnosed with concussion and claims she has suffered brain damage since the incident occurred in June and can no longer remember to feed her goldfish.

She told a reporter from the Euthanasia Gazette "I woz in the cheapo veggies section lookin’ fer a discount cucumber ter keep me company in bed at night when ‘wallop’! - I gets ‘it on the back of the ‘ead wiv a right pile of old shit – pineapples, bags of chestnuts, and then the effin’ shelf as well. Didn’t ‘alf effin’ ‘urt too.”

Her lawyer Ms. Fleecem informed Pox news : "Mrs. Scrunt is suing for compensation on the basis that the Grotty Grocer supermarket negligently stacked the pineapples and bags of chestnuts on a top shelf that was not structurally strong enough to support the load.”

"As she is still suffering from recurrent headaches and the brain damage factor we shall be seeking several hundred thousand pounds in compensation under the statutes of the Brussels EU 2003 Unsafe Fruit and Nuts Act – which might even gain media notoriety as the actual Fruit and Nut Case."


The US army officer convicted for his part in the notorious My-Oh-My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War has offered his first public apology, according to a report in today’s Hypocrites Gazette.

"There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel pissed off for not shooting out the CCTV cameras first – then the platoon’s do-gooder grassers and born-again Christian snitches," Lt William Calley told the audience of mercenaries he was addressing at the Mousecock NC headquarters of the Blackwater Xe private military security group .

Calley, now 96, was convicted on 220 counts of cold-blooded premeditated murder for the 1968 massacre of 5000 men, women and children in Vietnam – although he insisted that he was only following State department orders to ‘snuff the gooks’.

At the time of the killings the US troops had been on a five day bender downing gallons of cold Budweiser, smoking bongs of grass and shooting up on top grade heroin.

Although the enemy was nowhere to be seen the US soldiers of Good Ole’ Charlie Brown Company rounded up unarmed civilian peasants and gunned them down for looking suspiciously Vietnamese.

Calley was sentenced to life in prison for his role in the killings in 1971 until career scumbag Henry Kissinger advised US President Richard Nixon to commute his sentence to three weeks house arrest – on compassionate grounds.


The UK news gets blown out of all proportion once again in an attempt to distract the gullible peasantry from the fact the Taliban are winning the war in Afghanistan - and both global warming and the Oinkyitis swine flu are big scams.

This time around the distraction is centred on TV coverage reports - backed by both the broadsheet and tabloid gutter press - castigating Libyan nutcase leader Colonel Gaddafi for welcoming Lockerbie bombing dupe Mohammed al Patsy back home after his release from a UK top security jail for medical reasons after contracting colonic cancer following years of a Scottish prison food diet.

Mohammed al Patsy was found guilty in 2001 of blowing up Pan Am flight 103 in December 1988 over Scotland and sentenced to 20 years in prison, while Libyan co-conspirator Lee al Harvey and Swiss businessman Achmed bin McVeigh were acquitted due the lack of planted evidence.

However Libyan leader Gaddafi has defied strong criticism from the UK and the US by meeting the 105-years old Mohammed al Patsy on Libyan TV’s Gaddafi channel where the pair were shown embracing and exchanging anti- British jokes.

The Scottish Government freed the terminally-ill Al Patsy on compassionate grounds, stating “The man has suffered enough for his fabricated crimes – he’s been living on a diet of porridge and haggis for nearly 9 years now.”

Meanwhile Cabinet spokeswoman Fellattia van der Gobble denied claims that Mr Al Patsy was released to secure trade deals with Libya even though the prisoner’s parole immediately follows Lord Scandalson’s holiday visit to the Rothshite family’s Sodomists Paradise villa in Corfu where he was seen cuddled up to Gaddafi’s bloated faggot son, Seif al-Islam and discussing the contractual rights to the 44 billion barrels of low sulphur crude oil as yet untapped on Libyan territory.

However UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede, going into one of his habitual denial modes, rejected suggestions the Labour government had pushed for Al Patsy’s release to improve relations with Libya - and kissing Gaddafi’s spotty arse - so they could get their hands on the oil as "a slur on both myself and Gordon Brown".

Conversely Gaddafi Junior told Libya's Al Wattatwat TV channel "In all commercial contract discussions for oil and gas with Britain, Mohammed Al Patsy’s release was always the loose pawn on the negotiating table."

As Ghengis McTwat, political corespondent for the Daily Shitraker commented in his column today “If New Labour’s got a dirty deal to be done, then Scandalson will have his sticky little power-greedy fingers in it somewhere.”


Over 90% of the UK’s family doctors – and nurses – and the effin’ public at large - don’t want to be innoculated against this coming Autumn’s predicted Sneezy Pig ‘Porcinella’ swine flu pandemic with the all-new Novartis ‘Grunt-Gone’ mass euthenasia toxic vaccine – or any other Baxter-type dodgy injectable prophylactic crap.

GPs will be first in the line for the jabs when they become available but many will say ‘stuff it’, even though they shall be mandated to offer the dodgy poisonous adjuvant-laden vaccine to their patients.

More than two thirds of the GPs who intend to turn the jab down believe it has not been tested enough and they’re personally putting their well-being and lives at risk.

Further an overall majority believe the WHO declaration of an ‘extinction level’ global flu pandemic has turned out to be more at scent than substance and that the vaccine is not meant to cure but further infect and compromise people’s immune systems – and all to service the vast financial profits of big pharma’ corporations.

Last night Government experts – who are wholly unqualified to comment on matters medical - criticised GPs who decide not to have the jab, saying they will put vulnerable patients needlessly at risk if people start thinking for themselves and follow the doctor’s common sense examples.

A week ago, a poll of nurses showed that two-thirds would turn down the opportunity of being vaccinated against swine flu – with the remaining third only agreeing to the jab on the offchance it did make them horribly sick with MS or deadly Guillain-Barre Syndrome brain disease so they could file a substantial mega-bucks personal injury claim and retire to a cosy tropical location – far from the oversight and control of the EU lunatics gang.

News that medics are unconvinced by the need for a vaccine is expected to cause grave concern to patients who will be invited for the jab over the next few months – but on the other hand strengthening the government’s argument that is it necessary to declare martial law and forceably vaccinate the reluctant peasantry whether they like it or not – for someone’s eventual good.

A poll of UK doctors by the Mass Euthenasia news weekly found that 91 per cent would reject the vaccine with the remaining 9 per cent stating they couldn’t give a flying fuck if they caught Mad Pig Disease or not.

In contrast Professor David Slimebury, the Department of Health's director of immunisation and CEO of Noravrtis – the vaccine manufacturer - while denying any conflict of interest - told Global Kill magazine that frontline health workers had a duty to themselves - ‘and the stupid public’ - regarding vaccination.
'They have a duty to do what we in government tell them, and not to infect their patients with Oinkyitis swine flu - plus they have a further duty to sell our vaccines for a profit now we’ve gone and made bucket-loads of the shit.”


The house in which celebrated author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle lived while he attended university in Edinburgh in the 1860s was recently threatened with demolition to make way for one more ubiquitous 100-seat McDonalds Chew n Spew fast food bar.

However protesters and members of the Conan Doyle Society have appealed and won in their efforts to save Liberton Bank House under the charter of Heritage Britain by utilising the main structure as a museum filled with Conan Doyle’s works and memorabilia – and converting the adjacent buildings to an assisted living care residence for the elderly – which they intend to name – in keeping with the foundation stone of Conan-Doyle’s greatest creation - the iconic criminologist – 'Sherlock Homes'.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

How Council Scumbags Spend Your Taxes

First it was the Royal Family parasites, then MPs, then BBC exec’s - and now the sometimes comical extravagant expenses of the UK’s gluttonous council chief executives have been revealed to the gutter press for purview and a well-deserved slagging off in the public domain.

A Sunday Shitraker investigation based on Freedom of Information requests and reports received anonymously under the 2005 Snitch and Grassers Act has laid bare the expenses of more than 100 chief executives over the past year, with the results revealing claims on council taxpayers of zillions of pounds.

Apart from lavish meals, luxury hotel stays, pseudo-working vacations to tropical locations and countless light year distances of petrol claims, the executives have been reimbursed for such ostentatious and extravagant delights as a box of imported Cambodian Pol Pot insta-noodles, a singing sea bass for the office wall, Preparation H haemhorroid ointment, Super-Blue Viagra tablets and dog licence fees.

Conversely some grasping gits claimed for items as trivial as a £1.00 Big Issue, a 20 pence public toilet receipt and a Poundstretcher pack of cheese and biscuits.

The expenses were filed as many local authorities introduced massive council tax hikes to pay for them and still run some pathetic semblance of a council service – such as emptying dustbins every two weeks and employing gangs of spies from Renta-Snitch.

The role of council authority chief executive was introduced into local government in 1974 as a method of rewarding Masonic toadies for their partisan political activities – with these inept clots growing steadily more powerful and voracious – and now receiving a very basic 'minimum' salary of £125,000.

While any council employee is allowed to charge the local authority for reasonable costs incurred while performing their duties, council chiefs' expense claims are signed off by local authority finance directors who are subordinate to them – hence posing the obvious question as to whether they represent an effective safeguard against potential abuse by their superiors.

Questionable expenses were claimed to fund trips to a supposed property conference on the Ross Ice Shelf, a family trip to the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and a fact-finding mission to Tobago by Bellend-on-Sea council exec’ Quentin Scrunt and his secretary Fellattia, to evaluate the quality of the sand on the beaches in comparison to their own seaside location.

Lib-Dem MP for Old Scrotum, Sir Mingin Campbell called for a reform to the dodgy expenses system, adding: ''This tawdry tale of junkets and jollies for people earning over a hundred thousand pounds a year is matched only by their pathetic attempts to claim back a 60p parking ticket.”

Mary von Grunt, the chief executive of Grotty Greenwich Council, weighs in with a salary of £182,000 and hit her council tax payers with an expenses bill for not one – but ‘two’ - trips to Beijing during the 2008 Olympics costing over £8,000 – including – believe it or not - £60 for nine tins of biscuits bought as ‘gifts’.
Hairy Mary told a reporter from the Greedy Gits Gazette that “the visits were to promote inward investment, education and cultural exchange.' Yeah, right on, Mary.

Joe ‘Vera’ Ducksbill, now chief executive of the career criminal-run Newham Council after being ousted from the same position on the Isle of Wight Council for less than 18 months between 2006 and 2008 due dodgy dealings - weighs in with a bloated salary of £240,000.
If salary was paid on merit and performance then Vera wouldn’t even qualify for the UK’s minimum wage bracket.
Vera’s claim to fame in the burgeoning expenses scandal is the £50 bill he submitted for a ‘Sammy the Singing Sea Bass’ ornament for his office wall – batteries not included.

Stephen Screws, chief executive of Brum’s City Council weighs in with a salary of £210,000 and claimed - with ridiculous absurdity - £485 on a dinner meeting to discuss how to achieve 'efficiency savings' at the council – and sinks low enough to submit one expense of a 20 pence turnstile charge for use of a public urinal.

And the list goes endlessly on.

Stop press item : UK council taxes forecast to rise for 2010 period.

Would you like an expense account to match your council exec’s? Would you bother claiming for shitty little mini-pence outlays or just go for the mega-bucks junkets? Has your wheelie bin been emptied since Christmas? Do you think Guy Fawkes and the Angry Anarchists Brigade should be given a second chance?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win an all-expenses paid trip to your local landfill site.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

UK Roswell Incident Stays on Secret List

General Sir Gaylord Snivellington-Snide, former head of the armed forces, told the Defence Secretary a UFO incident known as Britain's Roswell could be a potential "effing banana skin" - Shitehall-speak for a looming political embarrassment - just waiting for somewhere to happen.

In 1983 Snivellington-Snide spoke to Michael Hasseltine about the "Bliar Twitch Incident" in which a minor Labour party politician – Tony Bliar – the-then unknown and insignificant MP for Slimefield - was abducted by a UFO while on a crop circle night watch at Rendlesham in Wiltshire with his old mate Petey Scandalson.

The ‘flying saucer’, described by eye-witnesses as more of a ‘flying breakfast cereal bowl’, apparently completed its crop circle formation tasks then landed at a nearby Quick Fix garage outlet to expedite repairs - where the crew of Grey aliens abducted the snooping gob-smacked gormless Bliar - taking Scandalson along as a human mammalian-form mutant curiosity to be prodded and poked with sharp implements.

The case is among the latest MoD files on UFOs ready to be released from the National Naughty Archive files – which today got itself slapped with a big ‘No-No’ sticker by Sir Jarvis Fuctifino, the Minister for Keeping Mum.

However, according to disaffected MoD archivist Sid Snitch, speaking to the Daily Shitraker on conditions of anonymity - and a few bob to offset the financial trauma caused by his recent enforced redundancy - the UFO was tracked by MoD radar, travelling on a course for the 12th Planet Nibiru, where Bliar was brainwashed and programmed to join with fellow US abductee Dubya Bush in kick-starting World War Three in the Middle East – then concentrate his political efforts on screwing up the UK economy – a sick galactic joke put in place 18 years before the actual events occurred.

The file maintains that the UFO – or a similar model – returned to the UK skies the following week, collided with a flock of seagulls over the Channel and crash-landed on the A338 trunk road close to Bournemouth, which the MoD were quick to close access to and blame the carnage and entire incident on a prototype SRN 4 Hovercraft going out of control while undergoing sea trials in the Solent.

Bliar and Scandalson, along with several Greys, were pulled from the wreckage unshaven and stinking of cheap booze – and perfume – with a story being put around by MI6 investigators and the debriefing team that the dodgy duo had been on an Old Boy’s buggering bender.

It was duly noted by family, friends and political associates alike that upon their return to Terra Firma, Tony and Petey could no longer tell the truth to any question put to them – even if they didn’t have a lie parcelled and ready to go – a personality fault they’ve successfully managed to maintain to the present day.

Tory Goons Now Accused of Sexism

A Conservative Party member has apologised after suggesting only attractive women should become MPs – the sincerity of which he proved by publicly performing acts of extreme penance - rubbing himself in ashes, wearing sackcloth and flagellating his worthless hide with a lead-tipped lash – in true public school deviant fetish fashion.

Bellend-on-Sea Conservatives Association chairman Armitage Shanks, 93, claims his comments were "tongue in cheek" and he thought the Channel Four ’Dickheads Hour’ interview was over - so could make gratuitous sexist remarks with impunity.

The association has been tasked by Big Dave with finding new parliamentary candidates for the town after MP Sir Peter Jiggers stood down during the recent expenses row.

Jiggers faced a barrage of righteous condemnation for claiming £1,645 on expenses for a floating duck island for his garden jacuzzi.
His gardening claims totalled £30,000 and he resigned at the direct request of party leader David Cameron – who told him, in a candid fashion – to rearrange the following words into a well-known phrase or saying – “Off – Fuck” – and not to collect £200 in expenses as he passed ‘Go’.

Shanks later told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker "Personally I don't have a hard and fast view one way or another if our candidate should be a man or a woman – but obviously a nice looking lass with sexy buns and a big pair of tits is always good for generating a few masturbation fantasies – and that’s what attracts the male votes.”

“However to accuse me of favouritism as I’ve thrown my support behind Ms. Fellattia Frigarotti as our candidate of choice just because she possesses the physical attributes I mentioned during the Dickheads Hour interview is wholly out of order.”

“Fellattia is superbly qualified for the post of Tory MP – ex-Roedean, honours degree in Political Science from Oxford, has a wind turbine in her living room, swings AC/DC sexually and believes gamarouche and sodomy are integral parts of a wife’s conjugal duties.”

”So, who in their right frame of mind is going to vote for some old porcine-featured baggage such as the menopausal Gorgons that New Labour have infesting their Parliamentary ranks like the witches from Macbeth – warts and all?”

Conversely New Labour’s Tessa Bowells, currently MP for Old Scrotum and Dorkwood, and acting Minister for the Cabinet Office, branded Mr. Shanks’ comments as ‘deeply offensive’ – informing the media "In the last two weeks we have seen Tories denying homophobia exists – and they’re all shirt-lifters - and now this blatant sexism."

“If the basic qualification for lady members of Parliament was Mr. Shanks’ chauvinist requirement that they be a blend of Playmate of the Month and Olga Korbut then where would that leave the country’s female political intelligencia possessed of lesser physical attributes, I ask you?”

Simple answer Tessa – queuing up at the Jobcentre with a stack of other pig-ugly broomstick merchants - just like yourself.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Robot Sex for Sale by Christmas

It might just sound more like bullshit than perceived reality – or some Japanese techie’s sci-fi’ BD/SM fetish fantasy, but robot hookers and robot sex are set to be an intregal part of the future for men who can’t pull pussy – or those discerning libidinous gourmets who get fed up with the same old hole and “Have yer finished yet?” statements.

Japanese boffins introduced their new top model today - she stands 5 feet tall, weighs 95 pounds, measures a gainly 36-24-36 and comes equipped with sub-nuclear rice batteries to keep her going – and going – and going – just like those real McCoy human nymphomaniac goers.

The LBFM-ROR-3H is a new dusky Asian cyberbot girl that may put the Honda ASIMO to the test for the title of the world’s most advanced robot. (The LBFM-ROR-3H manufacturing code stands for ‘Little Brown Fucking Machine-Run on Rice-3-Holer’)

This experimental humanoid cyberbot is indeed distinct from anything yet unveiled in the Japanese robotics industry.

Created by Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Kinky Science the LBFM-ROR-3H features 30 motors spread throughout the body which gives it (or her!) a wide range of facial gestures, including surprise, boredom, disgust - or pleasure - and with an additional eight motors in its pelvic region a vagina that can squeeze a lemon dry and spit out the pips to boot.

This ‘Oriental Spice’ robot girl - equipped with a light coffee-coloured synthetic skin covering the entire body, and topped with a crop of black hair (pubic included) is capable of a full range of human coital activities with a unique vaginal lubricant derived from healthy low-cholesterol Omega 3 fish oils that starts to flow during foreplay, which smell and taste just like the real thing.

The LBFM-ROR-3H was developed primarily as a ‘female’ for the entertainment industry and took stroll down the cat-walk at last week’s Tokyo five-day fashion extravaganza, drawing wolf-whistles - and several instances of premature ejaculation amongst the male audience when the prototype Gammo and Wank-Bot models performed a series of seductive lap dancing routines for them.

The Zygbiotics company developing the LBFM-ROR-3H into a marketable CyboSlut claim their evolution of the robot will produce a sophisticated multi-tasking remote-controlled sex partner who can assume a ‘top’ missionary position and move ‘her’ ass faster than a fiddler’s elbow playing the Flight of the Bumblebee.

Equipped with a cerebral-mounted Pentium 5 x 12 Ghz dual-core microprocessor chips and programme files containing the entire Perfumed Garden and Karma Sutra, the CyboSlut will be capable of a wide range of vocabulary tasks including genuine screams and howls of orgasmic pleasure – issuing demands of “Spank me!” - “Pull my hair!” - “Eat my snatch” and “Fuck my brains out!”

Or if your personal CyboSlut starts to get on your nerves - like the thing you were married to - simply hit the remote’s mute button and ‘voila’ – lie back and enjoy a three hole session in perfect peace and silence.

Several models have been undergoing beta-testing since March this year – both the CyboSlut – for male and lesbian buyers - and the Toyboy Bot for widows, grannies and pig-ugly broomstick merchants.

One disaffected techie working for the Zygbiotics Corporation, Hari Snitchimoto, speaking on conditions of anonymity, told a reporter from the Perverts Gazette of the diverse problems that had arisen with the prototype models being tested by the development team.

Following glitches with the Toyboy Bot’s actual penis snapping off during all-night clusterfuck conditions, the newly-modified nine inch 24/7 erection cock performed beyond expectations and got an all-round thumbs-up from volunteers at the Yokohama Townswomen’s Guild – several of whom are still comatose in states of erogenous rhapsody.

CyboSlut too encountered ‘teething’ setbacks - literally – with one prototype biting a techie’s dork off at the stump while performing a test run deep throat blow job which ruptured the bot’s epiglottis - causing it to go into ‘lockjaw’ mode.

But the Zygbiotics sales team are pushing for a December / Christmas stocks launch for CyboSlut and Toyboy Bot regardless – with a GayBot version to keep society’s deviant sodomists happy too.

The initial outcries and criticisms from the Vatican and the Catholic Church in general seem to have subsided to approving whispers and sneaky smirks after the announcement that a special ‘Choirboy’ model – with full cherubic lips and a hydraulic sphincter - was under development.

However not everyone was suitably impressed, with Oxford University Philosphy Professor Milton Fuctifino, winner of the 2006 Nobel Prize for Cynicism, opining to Pox News “Just what I need – a robot lover : cold, emotionless and devoid of all human empathy and feelings – just like the missus.”

Taliban Give Thumbs-Up to MoD Budgeting

According to a secret Shitehall report CD copy left on a Bakerloo line tube train and sold on to the Daily Shitraker for thirty pieces of silver, the Ministry of Defence’s systems for buying new equipment are so inefficient they are hampering the military’s ability to conduct attack – or defence - operations.

The Shitraker claims the dossier concluded the MoD's acquisition programme was £35 zillion over budget and five years behind schedule – and their last inventory still included stocks of longbows and arrows left over from Agincourt – and horse shoe nails from the Wars of the Roses.

The 1,276,348 page report highlights various glaring ‘mammoths in the board room’ such as why it takes 20 years to buy a ship, or an aircraft, or a tank – and why it always seem to cost at least treble the amount originally budgeted.

The report casts aspersions on the current programme’s affordability in both the short and long terms and opines that the MoD's procurement section should preferably be staffed by persons with a basic education, a proficiency in the application of the three ‘R’s and an IQ score higher than a corgi’s.

It further comments that the established tradition of hiring MoD personnel on the merits they went to the ‘right schools’ – ‘know someone’s father’ – ‘belong to the same Masonic Lodge’ – or any other nepotistic or corrupt crony reason must cease or Shitehall would be wholly taken over by career thickies and Hooray Henry types : precisely the cause of the British Empire coming to an ignoble and untimely end.

"The problems, and the sums of money involved, have lost their power to shock, so endemic is the issue," claims the dossier’s author - Shitehall Mandarin Sir Quentin Snivellington-Snide.

"It seems as though military equipment acquisition is vying in a technological race with the delivery of civilian software systems for the title of 'world's most delayed technical solution' - even the basket case Rattletrack train service cannot compete with these levels of incompetence and mismanagement."

“This is now a mammoth in the government’s Cabinet chamber that has become so massive it has its own postcode and can be picked up on Google Earth.”

Conversely Ministry of Defence spokeswoman Fellatia Sodomberg, a former Anne Summers sales lady, told a press conference "We are constantly improving the procurement process which has seen us deliver £10 billion of equipment to our lads in the K-FOR battle zones of the Balkans since February.”

When informed by one inconsiderate hack from Pox News that the British military contingent of the NATO / K-FOR peacekeeping force had now been reduced to six troopers and an Alsatian guard dog since the conclusion of the Kosovo conflict in 1999, Ms. Sodomberg apparently spit the proverbial dummy and declared “Well, that’s just the effing problem, isn’t it – no fucker tells us anything!”

Last month, the House of Conmans' defence select committee admitted a lack of wheelbarrows was undermining UK forces' operations and troop protection in Afghanistan, where the weekly British death toll has now reached embarrassingly high figures – with daily casualties coming equally from friendly fire by stoned shit-for-brains US troops and the actual perceived enemy – the Taliban.

Criticism has also come from within the government's own ranks. Foreign Office minister Sir Rupert Toerag received an insta-bollocking from Business Secretary Lord Scandalson to row back from his comments after informing a reporter from the Incompetence Review "We definitely don't have enough wheelbarrows” and then making the wholly numpty dumpty suggestion to overcome ammunition shortages in Afghanistan of ”Well, how about they use the bullets again.”

However the official Afghan rebel spokesman Taliban Dan – in London on a BAE Armaments shopping spree with a suitcase full of opium harvest cash - told a reporter from the Extraordinary Rendition Gazette that “We love this British incompetence for expediting logistics – they are winning our war for us. God bless Gordon Brown.”

But all is not lost for Snivellington-Snide’s 1,276.348 page report – for the MoD is planning to outsource the xeroxing of several million copies of the bulky report to India then truck them north to Afghanistan’s Bellend Province- to be used as barricades and for building bomb-proof bunkers.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Most Burgled Postcodes Start House Price War

Homeowners in parts of Snottingham-on Sea and Snobsford in Kent are among the UK's most likely to file burglary claims according to a study just released by the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money.

Five of the top 20 postcode areas where people have made actual genuine home insurance claims for burglary over the past year were in neighbouring Pukesbury, with a total of six in Snottingham, a further six in Snobsford and three in the stockbroker belt haven of Kuntsborough.

Thus the bordering Kent / Sussex / Surrey regions were identified as the worst-hit area through analysis of 2:6 million claims by the Lichtenstein-based Shit or Bust Home Insurance company.

Fellatia van der Gamm, company secretary, informed a reporter from the Stop n Rob Gazette that if burglars were attracted or enticed to a residential area due its potential for high value / unsecured booty – such as an outdoor pond’s Koi carp, antique garden furniture and sculptures - then such an area would obviously be classed as a desirable address – boosting property values – simply due the moronic human nature snobbery factor.

Figures released by the Twatsford Valley Plod Squad showed there were 284,445 house break-ins in their area of responsibility during the 2008 / 2009 financial year, equating to one victim every two minutes – which prompted CID detectives to deduce that fact alone definitely indicated there was more than one gang of break-in and entry scallies active in the area and that the burglary industry seemed quite unaffected by the current economic recession and hadn't been outsourced to India.

Conversely the recession and financial crashes have seen many white collar bankster types cast into unemployment – sans bonuses - and with mega-bucks mortgages to service have resorted to ‘arranging’ burglaries on their own properties and filing false insurance claims after selling off their ‘stolen’ household goods around London’s weekend Pikey Pete’s car boot sales.

At the other end of the social scale, in the grim North-West of our once-sceptered isle, social services, councils and housing associations are encountering problems enticing homeless people to actually move into houses around Wythenshawe’s infamous Scumford council estate in Greater Manchester – which hold the Guinness World Record for the number of burglaries on a single property in a 24 hour period.

Chantelle McSlagg, a 16-year old mother of three and her partner Jacko Scrunt told Pox News “We prefer livin’ ‘ere in dis bus shelter – we ain’t got naff all ter our names – apart from our benefit books - so no twat comes round botherin’ yer like an’ tryin’ ter steal yer shit. We’re neo-nihilist latter-day existentialists – an’ proud of it too.”

But who can blame Chantelle and Jacko for their stand on refusing to be housed in Burglaryville Central - with people breaking into each others houses on a daily / nightly basis around these super-slum Sink or Swim housing estates where the inhabitants are too poor to afford insurance hence if their telly gets nicked they simply go out and steal some other fuckers.

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Plods Can’t be Trusted with Fines

According to a report just released by the UK’s Manky Magistrates Commission the nation’s Plod Squads cannot be trusted to hand out summary justice and will act as “Prosecutor, Judge and Jury” if given further God-like powers to issue on-the-spot fines for simple civil offences - and more serious crimes such as arson, rape or putting your wheelie bin out too early.

In what the Twatsford Valley Police Federation termed ‘an extraordinary and wholly unwarranted attack’ on their integrity and professionalism the Manky Magistrates Commission pronounced it is a “certainty” that officers will misuse powers because they cannot be “relied on” to handle them appropriately and have even less idea about the law than magistrates themselves.

The magistrate’s comments have been made as part of a response to the Government’s plans to allow police to issue £60 fixed penalties for jaywalking through to £500 for driving under the influence of ‘whatever’ – to fixed fines of £1,000 to £5,000 for first offence arrests for armed robbery and premeditated murder.

Plods have been accused of increasingly dealing with offences using on-the-spot fines as an easy way to hit the government’s crime targets and generate massive amounts of ready cash to pay the police station’s utility bills, patrol car fuel costs and everyday operating expenses – and keep new offenders out of already-chocker-block full prisons.

However the Manky Magistrates Commission is worried that the number of offences now dealt with by the national Plod Squad in this manner is keeping some very serious offenders and outright nasty gits from appearing in the courts – and doing magistrates out of a job as a result.

They cited as a typical example the recent armed robbery at Mr. Oppenslimer’s De Queers Jewellers in London’s Blonde Street where the felons made off with a haul of £45 million in cash, precious metals, gemstones, jewellery and scratch cards – only to be cornered by a series of police road blocks where they threw up their hands and declared “It’s a fair cop!”

To the robber’s surprise, while their haul was seized they were only hit with a £3,000 on-the-spot fine and a 200 hour community service order – each – plus issued with Asbo’s to stay out of jewellery stores for twelve months.

Conversely police leaders insist that the use of the fines, which have risen sharply under the New Labour regime since Lord Peter Scandalson became official Business Secretary, have helped to reduce hours of boring paperwork and free up officers’ time so they could concentrate their attentions on saving Western civilisation from imminent destruction by scrutinising the comings and goings of dodgy foreigners and Jolly Jihadi terrorist cadres.

Hence the Commission’s negative report now leaves two of the key bodies charged by the government with responsibility for tackling crime and administering justice at loggerheads.

Opposition MPs expressed surprise that magistrates would have accused police of being untrustworthy and ignorant of the law when they themselves had zero training in the science of jurisprudence and whose diverse professional career backgrounds ranged from retired shopkeepers, school teachers and Freemasons who couldn’t play golf.

Haggis more English than Scots

The proverbial excrement hits the rotating wind generator north of the border with the ever-surly Scots up in arms at suggestions that the earliest recorded haggis recipe was published in an English nun’s cookbook almost several hundred years before any evidence of the dish existed in Bonny Scotland itself, according to yet another idiotic academic study just published by food historian Candida Muffrot on behalf of the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money.

Dr. Muffrot claims she found her earliest references to the dish inside a 1235 AD convent text called ‘Ye Olde English Potty Foods Booke’.
Hence the title definitely pre-dates Robbie Burns' 1786 poem ‘Ode Tae a Dead Haggis’, which brought fame to the delicacy, by several centuries.

But former world champion haggis maker Ghengis McTwat – owner of the Loch Ness-based ‘McTwattie’s Queer Highland Foods’ - insisted: "It may be fact an’ it may well be true, but no fucker or their dog are ever going to believe it."
“Typical of the bleeding English – they nick all our oil and now they want to claim they invented the wee haggis too – Sassenach gits.”

Dr Muffrot informed Pox News that the convent text’s author, a certain Sister Sapphie Dildodo, made it quite clear haggis was a regular part of the English staple diet and not simply a Sunday or festive treat.

She claims "It was popular in England until the middle of the 17th Century when we believe people actually discovered it was all odd bits and pieces of dead animals stuffed in a sheep’s scrotum – with the bollocks included – and the Regency-period English – being real picky spoiled bastards by that time - decided they didn't like it anymore.”
“However, the Scots, who we’re all aware will eat any old shite, took up the recipe as their national dish with gusto.”

Conversely Scottish National Party spokesman Angus McScrunt, Laird of the McScrunt clan, interviewed on the ‘See You Jimmy’ breakfast show, declared “Fer fuck’s sake – what next?”

“The very suggestion that our iconic Scottish haggis originated south o’ the border is nigh on akin ter the bleedin’ Arabs claimin’ ter have invented golf.”
“What the hell are the English gonna grab from us next? Tartan? Tossin’ the caber? Kilts? Sporrans? Highland Malt Whiskey? – or our very own Quaker Oats porridge?”

“Whatever – Robbie Burns wrote a famous ode to the wee haggis a coupla hundred years ago in appreciation of its merit, but I’ve never heard o’ Shakespeare or Wordsworth writing a sonnet or a poem about one.”

Saturday, 22 August 2009

Rodent Boosts US Neo-Imperialism in Africa

US Secretary of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton’s eleven-day tour of Darkest Africa took in seven AIDS-ravaged countries across the malfunctional continent.

Following on from President Barky O’Barmy’s trip to Ghana, the Rodent’s personal visit highlights the administration’s unwavering and pertinacious intention to strengthen the US neo-Imperialist position in Africa against the challenge of its BRICSA rivals (Brazil, Russia, India, China and South Africa - the largest of the emerging global economies).

“It’s where his nigger-black blood comes from!” the Mena Mafia’s Matriarch declared to a crowd of stoned gollies in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi, totally forgetting O’Barmy was supposed to be born in Hawaii – and has a forged birth certificate to prove it.

In what has become a dogmatic mantra, the Rodent wholly ignored the effects of centuries of looting and depredation by Catholic missionaries and European Imperialist profiteers – from ‘Jesus Saves’ mind games to the exploitation of raw materials to slavery - and blamed Africa’s present poverty-stricken basket-case status on the Bell Curve Deficiency Syndrome and a lack of good governance – by their own corrupt leaders.

Applying the science of selective political memory the Rodent mentioned nary a whisper of the US roles – past and present - in establishing the iniquitous regimes that govern Africa today – through arranging military coups or the assassinations of uncooperative leaders – such as the Dulles brothers orchestrating the snuffing of Congo’s brilliant Patrice Lumumba in 1961.

Even less reference was focused on the role US-owned multi-national corporations play in nurturing the offshore foreign bank accounts of crooked African politicians and the military hierarchies to achieve their own self-serving ends – to the benefit of the few and the gross detriment of Africa’s penurious – and ignorant - multitudes.

But regardless of all the political posturing and philosophic semantics the sole objective of US foreign policy is to gain dominance and control over the continent’s natural resources and especially the strategically vital Horn of Africa - and the Red Sea / Suez Canal waterways - around which run a greater percentage of the worlds’ major maritime routes and trade goods.

Accompanied by her close friend Sapphie Dildodo - of the Afro-Bitch Black Empowerment Society - the Rodent made a major feminine point of condemning rape as a weapon of war in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) and offered a token $17 in Wal-Mart discount vouchers for its victims when she visited Gonads – the three-hole rape and dirty dogging capital of the eastern DRC.

However, the situation women and girls there face today is the direct result of the decision of the US government to covertly back the Ugandan and Rwandan invasion of the DRC in 1998, which entirely – as planned - destabilized this mineral rich region to internationally-acclaimed tits-up / basket case status.

It was a war which has, to date, claimed some 5.4 million lives and displaced zillions more – with the main villains – the antagonist leaders of Uganda and Rwanda - being among those designated as African Renaissance gurus and patriarchs by the Rodent’s scumbag husband President Bill – the Artful Draft Dodger – at the height of their genocidal activities.

Yet their proxies are responsible for carrying out the very atrocities the Rodent now condemns, with similar outrages against humanity still being committed by the Neanderthal DRC Army – for the transitional insta-lucre of conflict diamond income - with the wholehearted logistic and technical backing of the United Nations and the good ole U. S. of A.

One more major strategy not mentioned during the Rodent’s Hug-a-Golly trip – the real blue whale in the living room fish tank - was the new US military command for Africa - AFRICOM - established under the White House’ 2001-2009 brain-dead Alfred E. Neuman administration.

Previously US military operations in Africa were divided between the Middle East and the European commands. The decision to establish a separate African command represented an intensification of the US military-industrial complex’s grasping greed-inspired thirst for African natural resources and the Shite House-approved founding and deployment of such private military disasters as and Slackwater / Xe .

However in a typical display of ludicrous and obtuse tactical planning by the US Joint Chiefs of Stupidity, Africom’s headquarters are in currently based in Germany – (Que?) - not exactly next door to the Dark Continent – or even within shit-flinging distance.

The original intention was to find a permanent base on the African continent where Uncle Sam might just receive a genuine welcome.
However the morally-bankrupt and untrustworthy Bush administration could not persuade any African country to offer facilities - as no fucker or their dog wanted them there.

Even the most corrupt of regimes – Islamic, Pagan or Christian - felt they could no longer risk such a close association with the US military, after the illegal and disastrous invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan – and the comedy of errors – and terrors – that manifested during their earlier misadventures in Somalia under Dodger Bill’s incompetent watch.

Here the US military masterminds in their Masonic occult five-sided headquarters might now do well to remind themselves of the drubbing and humiliation their hi-tech ‘finest’ Rangers and Delta Force commandos received at the hands of a bunch of untrained permanently-suntanned cowboy rebels in the centre of Somalia’s capital city of Mogadishu in October 1993 during the 16 hour battle following their failed and wholly abortive attempt to illegally kidnap rebel leader Mohamed Farrah Aidid.

The arrogant and racist presence of 28,000 U.S. troops in their country was hated by the Somali people throughout.
Sent originally as an army of neutral and munificent occupation by career criminal kiddie-fiddler George Bush Sr. in December 1992, they had established a disgraceful history of opening machine gun fire on unarmed protesters and flown their helicopters so low over the city that the downdraft pulled the tin roofs off people's houses.

Sadly this immoral militarization of US foreign policy in Africa echoed 19th Century European gun boat diplomacy and today reflects America’s inability to deal with the growing rivalry it faces by economic means alone - for China – at the head of the BRICSA rivals - has by far now surpassed the US to become Africa’s main – and trusted - trading partner.

Apparently the Rodent went ballistic and rapidly exited the end-of-tour press conference ‘stage left’ when questioned about her discussions of the US-sponsored African Growth and Opportunities Act with the Continent’s corrupt political and military leaders.

Clinton totally spat the dummy when it was pointed out by a pair of intrepid journalists who didn’t actually give a flying fuck about career prospects with the Dirty Digger’s Sky News network that all the ‘G & O Act’ had served to achieve to date was open Swiss bank accounts for the incumbent kleptocracies and provide diplomatically-secure conduits for smuggling in-transit shipments of very hard drugs and their cottage industry conflict (blood) diamonds to Europe and the States.

Friday, 21 August 2009

IDF & Mossad Guilty of Jewel n Organ Thefts

In the worst scandal to hit the Israel government since the last scandal, three of the country’s top military officials have been linked to Britain's biggest ever jewellery heist in which cash, gemstones and other assorted high-value crap worth up to £45 million were stolen.

According to a report in the Kike Watchers Gazette, three senior officials in the Israeli military were the main shareholders of the company responsible for guarding Mr. Oppenslimer’s De Queers Diamond Merchants & Jewellers in Blonde Street, central London, where the robbery took place.

The Universal Shysters Group (USG) were contracted to assume charge of the security of the premises after a group of Albanian pikeys -- dubbed the Pink Poofters gang -- carried out an armed raid on the same store in May 2005, taking off with a haul of several million quids-worth of gilded tat, chrome bling and teddy bear’s eyeballs.

Shylock Weaselberg, former Mossad chief and Maj. Gen. Sheldon Shitestein, chief of intelligence in the Israeli army, reportedly resigned from their directorships of the London-based USG group just two days before the latest heist.

The third principal shareholder of the security company is Israeli Prime Minister Binman Nuttyahoo's special adviser on dodgy deals - General Jaackov Scumbaum.

The August 6th raid, which had all the makings of a blockbuster movie, was carried out by two smartly dressed men, who spoke Hebrew to each other in an East Jerusalem accent, and were disguised with make-up professionally layered on latex masks to resemble Statler and Waldorf – the geriatric duo in the audience loge seats at the Muppet Show.

In just minutes, the Gang of Two drew handguns, grabbed a female member of staff by the short and curlies and headed for the exit with a haul of £45 million in cash, precious metals, gemstones, jewellery and scratch cards - all loaded into a Greedy Grocer supermarket trolley.

They fired warning shots at a potential have-a-go Big Issue salesperson, Jimbo McTwat, then jumped onto a passing bendy bus and abandoned their hostage, speeding off through Mayfair.

No one was injured in the incident but several staff and passers-by actually suffered involuntary bladder and bowel movements.

An international manhunt has been in progress following the derring-do raid with poor Mr. Oppenslimer’s insurers offering a one million-pound reward for information leading to the capture of the thieves and recovery of the high value haul.

In a remarkable coincidental aside that cropped up on the Interpol website while researching the De Queers robbery, Heinz Kuntlecken, a reporter for the leading German newspaper - Der Scheisseraker – stumbled onto a joint Red Cross and Amnesty International report that Israeli soldiers are guilty of kidnapping young Palestinians around the West Bank and Gaza to steal their organs and sell them in the black market : via an offshore company – recently identified as the Universal Shysters Group (USG) - owned by three high ranking Israeli military officials - specifically Messers Shylock Weaselberg, Maj. Gen. Sheldon Shitestein and General Jackov Scumbaum.

The report claims Israeli soldiers from the IDF’s Sabra Genocide Battalion, commanded by Maj. Gen. Sheldon Shitestein, abduct young Palestinians from the West Bank and Gaza Strip and return their bodies – usually deceased - to their families after removing their organs.

One of Hamas’ Gaza Gangster pathologists has recently been carrying our post mortems on the returned cadavers only to find every possible transplantable organ had been harvested – including testicles and prostate glands - after the victims were snuffed by asphyxiation.

Der Scheisseraker has now linked the Palestinian youth kidnappings and organ removals to a recently busted Jewish synagogue crime syndicate in New Jersey, which was involved in – believe it or not - organ smuggling.

Several American rabid Rabbis have so far been arrested in connection to the case and the files, accounts, records and office computers of the Jersey-based Universal Shysters Group SA that was responsible for smuggling the organs into the US were seized by the FBI.

Jersey Rabbi Seymour Weaselberg, the 63-year old younger brother of ex-Mossad chief Shylock, was arrested by FBI agents last week for allegedly serving as the USG’s broker in the sale of dodgy transplant organs – in a flagrant breach of the 1984 National Organ Transplant Act – which is punishable by up to five years in prison and a $50,000 fine – for landless peasant goyim types anyway.

According to the charges against him Weaselberg & Co. would smuggle the stolen organs into the US from Palestine where they could sell - say a kidney - for as much as $160,000 – less a small discount for Freemasons.

The FBI is now by-passing the pro-Zionist Israeli government (in Tel Aviv – not the White House) and obtaining DNA samples from the Palestinian youth corpses in Gaza to match against the organs seized from the cold storage room located in the basement of Rabbi Weaselberg’s USG offices in Jersey.

Certain honest FBI agents are optimistic and hopeful they will see the accused Rabbi’s – and their murderous Israeli body-snatching suppliers - brought before an international court of law to be prosecuted for their crimes against humanity - although the realists are not holding their breath while White House Chief of Staff Hymie Slimeberger still controls the Barky O’Barmy puppet’s strings.

Converse sectarian opinion might hypothesise that it’s not exactly kosher getting an Arab goyim testicle transplanted and knowing your next little Shylock has been fathered by semen from a pair of Palestinian Muslim bollocks – not to mention what good Jewish girls like little Miriam might have been swallowing - Ugh! – perish the thought.

Did you think the sun-tanned robber in the London jewellery heist looked more like O.J. Simpson than Statler? Have you had any organs stolen by the Israeli Military Mafia or Mossad while vacationing in Israel to see what is was like to be born in a manger - or get crucified on two big pieces of wood? How lively are the lap dancing bars around the Dead Sea? Does Holy Land tourism suck for you?

How would you rate your Gaza trip’s bed and breakfast arrangements? – Satisfactory? – Too much gunfire? - More white phosphorous burns than suntan? Did you get thrown out of your West Bank hotel to make way for another kibbutz?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a discount kidney or whole liver transplant – guaranteed free of bullet holes, shrapnel wounds and depleted uranium contamination– to

Thursday, 20 August 2009

Was Benny Ratflinger a Nasty Nazi?

The famous and controversial “I was never a Nazi – but sometimes played with the kids who were" quote from Pope Benedict XVI – Germany’s first pontiff since 1057 - is about to be called into question, according to deliberately leaked information concerning the plot of iconoclast Dangerous Dan Brown's new book.

The Lost Cymbals looks set to create a huge uproar across the entire Catholic world, with its allegations that far from not being a member of the Nazi party, Benny-boy was an enthusiastic Jew-baiter who, as a 12-year old at the outbreak of World War Two in 1939, played the cymbals in his local Bavarian Marktl am Inn chapter of the Hitler Youth brass band and celebrated the Blitzkrieg attack on Poland by breaking Mr. Shylock’s windows again – for the fourth time that week.

When he assumed the office of Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly the Inquisition - and twice as nasty) Benny had his Jesuit agents (the Vatican’s Men in Black) scouring the Bavarian Nördliche Kalkalpen (Alps) and travelling around Europe to wipe clean any records of his active Nazi past and locate the whereabouts of the missing Marktl am Inn brass band instruments – and specifically secure his personal cymbals engraved with the legends ‘Joey Ratflinger’ – Junior Gruppenfuhrer - along with the damning incised HYBB (Hitler Youth Brass Band) and the SS double-lightning bolt runes.

So Joseph Alois Ratflinger – now Pope Benny the all-new Mark XVI German built to last model – faces a possible career crisis if Brown’s fictitious novel does contain a scintilla of provable fact – and any provenance regarding the missing cymbals.

Vatican lawyers have been doing litigative somersaults and burning the midnight oil to prevent the publication of Dangerous Dan’s latest pot-boiler – all of which he has written to date seem to piss on the proverbial Catholic bonfire – to no avail.

Basing some semblance of truth on the issues of gossip, rumour and hearsay being leaked by printing staff at Knobhead & Doublecross publishers for a few pieces of silver, it seems fair to speculate that Brown’s book will again feature the principle character of Harvard University academic Robert Langdon.

In this adventure he apparently teams up with Dutch WW2 forensic musical instrument hunter Fellatia van der Gobble to track down the missing set of ‘Marktl am Inn’ brass band cymbals - which were reputedly wrapped in pages torn from the Hitler diaries and concealed in the coffin of the Masonic pro-Fascist Pope Pius XII – along with the Bormann Brotherhood and Odessa escape route maps, schedules and destinations for fleeing Nazi types travelling to South America via the Vatican.

Chief of the Vatican’s Swiss Cheese Guards Konrad Sniffler, a former cuckoo clock mechanic, informed a reporter from the Nihilists Gazette that "We are boosting security precautions to safeguard against what has become known as the 'Rosslyn Effect,'" referring to the chaos following the publication of Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code when Rosslyn Chapel in Scotland was deluged by grail seekers and treasure hunters looking for gold chalices that provide Immortality and getting the autograph of anyone directly related to Jesus.

Sniffler continued “We do not want hordes of idiotic fantasists trying to dig up our past Pontiff’s coffin to see if it contains the Hitler diaries and a pair of brass cymbals. This is all a Zionist – Islamic plot to destroy the foundations of the Petrine Rock and our congregation’s faith in the one true Church of God and herald in Armageddon. Dan Brown is the Anti-Christ.”

So perhaps two millenniums of abuse by parties of self-interest has now come full circle.
The Vatican, in its struggle for power, has never shown a single sign of being interested in the happiness or welfare of humankind and attempts to conceal a shameful catalogue of crimes that present a disgrace to civilization.

The Crusades, Persecution of Heretics / Inquisitions / Massacre of St. Bartholomew / Thirty Years' War / destruction of the Aztec and Inca civilisations / and a plethora of other crimes that wouldn’t fit on a commercial-sized bog roll if listed in a number 10 san serif font.

Perhaps God’s self-proclaimed Earthly agents have gone a step too far and Dangerous Dan’s latest iconoclastic book might well be the harbinger of their predicted demise as an institution of religious faith - that in recent years seems to be more crooked than the Mafia, staffed by paedophiles and once again run on nepotism, simony and sodomy.

Cory’s Curse Kicks in Big-Time

Former Republic of the Philistines leader Cory Aquino, Asia's first female president, died a couple of weeks ago at the age of 176.

Aquino had been afflicted with a chronic case of ‘holier-than-thou’ syndrome for decades and been further suffering from galloping bowel rot for more than a year – then recently refused further treatment, declaring to the media she was putting faith and trust in a Divine Power and leaving her fate to God - following which she promptly died.

However just after a priest administered last rites she made, with her dying breath, a totally out of character pronouncement that - to quote “I may be going to meet my Maker but first I lay a curse all those Marcos scumbags who were involved in Ninoy’s murder – fuck the lot of them and may they all burn in Hell” – then promptly popped her clogs and went off to join the Choir Invisible.

Ninoy was Cory Aquino’s politician husband, imprisoned by the Marcos dictatorship following the declaration of martial law in 1972.
He was eventually released and allowed to travel to the US for heart surgery, where he lived in exile until 1983 when he decided, in a moment of asinine obstinacy, to stick his neck out and return to the Philippines to run as a presidential candidate in the forthcoming elections.

Ninoy was gunned down by Marcos’ Avsecom henchmen while being escorted from his incoming flight at Manila Airport and the murder blamed on a Communist NPA patsy named Lee Harvey Galman – whose previously-snuffed inert body was then tossed out of the back of a Ryder truck onto the tarmac and peppered with automatic gunfire.

His wife Cory, a political novice, sought justice for her husband but the actual perpetrators were initially acquitted by the Marcos-controlled – hence corrupted - investigative Agrava Commission.

Nevertheless Cory soldiered on, becoming known to Laban party political supporters as the Lady in Yellow – and conversely to Marcos loyalists as that ‘Do-gooder cunt Cory’ – then stood in opposition against Marcos for the Presidency in the tumultuous snap elections of 1986 - and – against all odds to the contrary - won the day – regardless of ballot box thefts, vote-rigging and government attempts to implement massive Comelec vote-counting fraud.

She eventually teamed up with the Monty Pythonesque-named Manila Catholic prelate ‘Cardinal Sin’, who between them mustered the forces of light on to Edsa to defend the rebel military RAM boys and defy the dictatorial rule of evil emperor Fred Marcos and his bloated kleptomaniac wife Imelda - and forced them to flee the country in what became known as the People’s Power Edsa Revolution.

However Cory only remained in office for a single term due widespread comparative criticisms between her administration and that of the previous Marcos dynasty which stated quite candidly “Ali Baba might have fled to Hawaii but the Forty Thieves were still around.”
This was a direct reference to her personal Cojuangco and Aquino families’ corrupt political practices and influence peddling.

Nevertheless, once invested as President of the Republic in 1986 Aquino ordered a retrial of her husband’s assassins, with the actual murderers finally being convicted of their crime and sentenced to ‘reclusion perpetua’ in 1990 while the ‘masterminds’ – if such an elitist term may be applied to so bungling a schoolboy plot and the clots who organised it – got off Scot free – until now.

Since Cory’s passing and her dying curse becoming public knowledge, speculation is rife that the little Widow in Yellow now sits at the right hand of God – or on the left if He’s busy eating lunch or signing edicts and Holy decrees – and points her fickle finger of vengeful retribution at the parties guilty of planning to snuff Ninoy – and too their progeny.

In a nation force-fed Catholic dogma and fanciful superstitions since the mid-1500’s, rumours naturally abound that Cory’s curse has kick started a sequence of celestial extra-judicial events to equal the storyline plot of the Final Destination horror movie series – with the usual suspects falling foul of the Grim Reaper in domino fashion.

On the day of Cory’s funeral career refitist Imelda Marcos was squashed and actually burst when the shelving in one of her walk-in closets displaying several thousand pairs of her designer size 44 shoes collapsed on top of her.

That night Marcos son Gerald MacBoing-Boing was burned to ashes in what arson investigators claim might be a case of spontaneous combustion after his wallet caught fire.

Eldest Marcos daughter Imee dropped dead the next day during a bout of sneezing which caused her diminutive brain to exit her nostrils like a swathe of watery fectal snot – and thus proved her nickname of ‘shit-for-brains’ was accurate.

Marcos crony and dodgy ex-Defence Minister Juan Ponce Enrile yesterday defied the known and established laws of physics by disappearing up – or down - his own arsehole while taking a crap.

Aquino’s estranged cousin - and main suspect behind Ninoy’s murder - arch-scumbag Danding Cojuangco this morning choked to death on a communion wafer while attending Mass.

So, as the day’s tick by, are the surviving members of Marcos’ Rolex 12 clique and the Avsecom murder gang – and other guilty parties known only to both Divine and Demonic powers - looking over their shoulders with tremulous apprehension – waiting for Cory’s ‘Drag me to Hell’ curse to kick in? We hope so.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Bomber Comedy Pisses Off Muslim Groups

An online sitcom about a group of Islamic suicide bombers living in Bradford, Yorkshire could be more damaging than the real thing, according to the nihilistic ‘Allahu Akbar’ zealots group.

Dr Abdul bin Bagg, of the Manky Muslim Association in Bradford, also claims the series ‘Living with the Infidels’ might upset some young hard-line Wahhabi fundamentalists – especially those belonging to the ultra-radical militant Jolly Jihad sect.

Dr. bin Bagg also said that "the level of indecency and filthy language" was not representative of young Muslims in one segment portraying the group viewing a late night Sky TV Dogging channel and jacking off while watching a group of drunken Aussies bonk a sheep.

Producers of the series, which is made in London, informed the media they have the backing of the Rothshite Zionist Council for Religious Tolerance in Tel Aviv.
Series director Hymie Weaselberg told a reporter from the Sectarian Gazette that the comedy and satire was the best way of dealing with terrorism’s "huge elephant in the living room" reality.

During the six-part series the main characters – all educational drop-out madrassa brainwashed types, set out to become suicide bombers but find that they are a complete set of incompetent wankers and might even appreciate some aspects of Western / Christian ways of life – such as not having your foreskin cut off just to please Allah – and enjoying bacon butties for brekkers.

One of the characters, Mustafa, has a crisis of idealist faith when he realises that signing up for a career as a suicide bomber and running around in a Semtex vest isn’t so glamourous when it actually blows up.

Achmed too has second thoughts when he learns the job’s long-term employment prospects, profit sharing scheme and pension plan are all more at scent than substance – and goes back to his former job as a halal pole dancer.

However the series has a light-hearted intent, with certain Frank Spencer type farcical interludes, when this group of would-be fanatical extremists are learning to pilot magic carpets with the intent of flying them – bomb-laden - into London’s iconic Gherkin and end up splashing down in the local canal.

Suliman plays the part of the total numpty to a tee – especially so when he researches the English term ‘volunteer’ on Google and learns the definition is “a person who has totally misunderstood the question put to them.” He then falls over in a fit and shits himself when he sees the actual meaning of the word ‘martyr’.

But the final episode where Suliman and Achmed are stewing up the ingredients of an incendiary device on the stove to explode outside Mr. Shylock’s Fish and Chip shop is a classic of the traditional BBC comedy genre, particularly the segment where they get into the cooking sherry and their bomb recipe becomes mixed up with a Mrs. Beaton’s instant pork dumpling pack is hilarious.

More so perhaps when they blow up the kitchen in the process, then get arrested by MI6 and end up on an extraordinary rendition flight to Italy where they get to play water sports in the Vatican’s dungeons with the local Men in Black – the Jesuit’s Inquisition torturers.

That scene alone should be enough to make a bunch of grumpy old Ayatollahs giggle and piss their pants in hysterics - perhaps.

UK Home Repossessions Ease – Que?

The number of homes repossessed in the UK fell 12:83% in the second quarter of 2009 compared with the previous three months, according to propaganda being spread by traditional High Street banksters and building society lenders - since most folks have been evicted and no longer enjoy the comfort and false security of four walls around them and a bit of a roof over their heads.

Conversely the 11,417 homes repossessed was a rise of 14:27% compared with the same period the previous year but the number of repossession orders granted by heartless scumbag judges rose over the same period, up 16% to 19,123 - Mr. Shylock Weaselberg, spokesman for the Council of Loan Sharks and Rip-off Merchants informed the Usury Gazette.

So much for comparative figures, amounts and percentages which mean absolutely zilch when you’re unemployed and living in a rented dog kennel on an urban canal bank with no en suite bathroom facilities or internet connection.

While the Government has prattled on about a number of schemes to try to help people struggling with mortgage repayments to stay in their home most of these initiatives are in the evolving stages – and still being talked about in typical New Labour’s foot-dragging fashion while a further crisis looms in the immediate future.

Homeless charity Shit-or-Bust has warned of a dead certain second wave of home repossessions when interest rates go up again. It further claims that rising unemployment and short time hours would also add to the risk of homeowners being unable to make their regular mortgage repayments in the coming months

The latest figures show only 14 households have so far been accepted on to the Mortgage Rescue Scheme, under which people are coerced sell their home to a Rothshite bankster-owned housing association and lease it back again – for a rent that nigh on equals their original mortgage repayments.

This will eventually re-create a nation of tenants and wholly obliterate the status of mid-income ‘house owner’ and thus the entire middle class – which was invented a century ago by agents of the landed gentry / aristocracy to avoid further blood-letting decimation of their ranks through French and Russian style revolutions.

Thus the middle class became the buffer between the so-called aristocratic nobility (royal spongers) and the poverty-stricken landless peasant working classes.

Conversely when both the middle and lower unemployed non-working classes are forced embarrassingly together – living in tents, internet cafes, under bridges or their cars – with the wife, two kids, the mother-in-law – and her effin’ dog – then something is going to reach a critical mass and go ‘snap!’ with a large ‘S’ initiating a chain reaction of mega-nuclear proportions.

However Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson, a bloke who has turned risk avoidance into an artform and is always the first to conjure self-preservation initiatives, has this week concocted a raft of desperate Chinese fire drill government schemes – including imposing martial law - to stave off a nation-wide revolution that could well decimate the current corrupt banking, political and government civil service structures – including Freemasonry - responsible for the economic chaos.

Disaffected Labour back benchers have leaked information to the Sunday Shitraker that with the recession crisis deepening it is being contemplated by Brown’s hapless government to accept Scandalson’s recommendations and actually go ahead and loose the intended Autumn spread of the new Sneezy Pig swine flu virus a couple of months early – like NOW – to distract a rebellious public from their unemployed homeless plight by presenting them with a genocidal flu pandemic to contend with before the entire population goes ballistic.

Are you a homeowner who is facing repossession? Did you get a ‘sorry for fucking up the economy’ apology letter from Gordon Brown? Have you claimed your free family-sized weatherproof cardboard box to live in yet? Are you aware that possession used to be nine-tenths of the Law? Could your local council fuck up a perfectly good anvil?

Send us your comments and experiences using the online form below and you could win the freehold to a patch of alley or a bridge arch squat with a prestigious City centre postal code.

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Scandalson Targets Internet Download Piracy

Reliable tittle-tattle and rumour-based gossip circulating around the hallowed corridors of Shitehall in susurrant and conspiratorial whispers reports that Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown’s omnipotent Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson is preparing to declare war on teenagers – and anyone else and their dog – guilty of downloading music, games and movies from the internet - just days after dining with American faggot music billionaire Mervyn Gobbler.

Scandalson launched a crackdown on internet piracy directly after meeting the leading Hollywood critic of illegal file sharing – whose own record and entertainment companies rake in trillions of dollars annually from exorbitantly bloated CD and DVD prices.

The Vermin in Ermine Business Secretary, renown for having even less compassion than Torquemada, now plans to criminalise the estimated seven million people – mainly kids - who illicitly download music and films over the internet that they can’t afford to buy.

In what critics describe as a gross attack on civil liberties, those flouting new laws could see their internet accounts go tits up and face fines of £50,000 – for downloaded a freebie movie or CD track - with parents getting thrown off the net if their children are caught downloading files upstairs in their bedrooms – or basements – or gardens sheds - whatever.

Lord Scandalson ordered his lackeys to draw up the draconian regulations days after breaking bread with fellow-sodomite Mervyn Gobbler, who founded the Lunatic record label which signed such famous artists as Bob Slob, Sammy & the Shitstabbers, Frank Zapped, Bonio, the Cormorants and Jackson Greengage.

The pair dined on 7 August at the Rothshite zillionaire Zionist bankster family villa on Corfu, while Scandalson was holidaying – yet again - on the Greek island with his iffy deviant buddy and dynasty heir apparent – Old Etonian scumbag Nutty Natty Rothshite.

Tory backbencher David Dorkpuller speculated to a reporter from the Nepotism Gazette “As always, wherever Scandalson is concerned, such actions do seem a remarkable coincidence and he should be forced to reveal the full extent of his meetings with wealthy friends on holiday and, in the name of openness, disclose exactly what they discussed.”

“Otherwise this incident might well materialise into another corrupt favouritism issue like the one involving Georgie Osborne and Oleg Mobsaroubles in the Corfu Yachtgate brouhaha which ended up as a shit-throwing fight spread across the pages of the tabloid gutter press.”

Scandalson’s proposed controversial new laws, set to be announced in a 'Digital Britain' bill to be published this September, would target internet users who download music and films to avoid paying extortionate product costs and royalty charges.

Conversely former Digital Change Minister Tom Plonker is leading a campaign against the legislation, which is due to form a key plank of this autumn's Queen's Speech.
Writing in the Sunday Shitraker, Mr Plonker stated - with an emphasis on common sense and base logic reasoning that seem to have escaped Scandalson’s limited intellect - that those who ‘upload’ illegal content to the internet are the miscreants who should be targeted - and ‘not’ the downloaders.

Last week the Pirate Party, which won a Swedish European Parliament seat in June on a platform of legal file sharing, announced it would be standing in the next UK General Election.

Mr. Long John Silver, a disabled ex-seaman and leader of the Pirate Party UK, who will be standing against the Scumford Sands Labour MP Candida Muffrot, claims Scandalson’s proposed laws represented an attack on civil liberties.

Silver told a reporter from Pox News “Old Vermin in Ermine has been at it again – personal favours for parties of self-interest which will work for the benefit of the few and to the detriment of the many.”
“As usual, wherever Scandalson’s meddlesome influence-peddling hands have been something stinks in Denmark – and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.”

Ex-MP for Middlesex, outed transvestite Wentworth Scrunt, now the official spokesman for Lord Scandalson, claimed file sharing and illegal downloads were not discussed at the sphincter-stretching get-together with Messers Gobbler and Rothshite.

“Proposed legislation against illegal downloading has been going on for a matter of weeks and was not discussed over dinner in Corfu.”
“The main subjects of conversation – if you must know – was the best medication for suppurating haemhorroids and telling the difference between the taste of semen and mayonaisse.”

Conversely a source inside Scandalson’s business department who spoke to the Sunday Shitraker on conditions of anonymity (Rupert Snitch) revealed “Until the past week Scandalson had shown zero interest in the Digital Britain agenda.”
“Suddenly Petey baby returns from his holiday with Nutty Natty and effectively issued this edict that the regulation needs to be tougher and target all downloaders.'

Yesterday a poll for the prestigious government publication – the 'Shitehall Scumbags Review’ - showed that Lord Scandalson was emerging as a favourite to succeed the hapless Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown as Labour leader.

Scyophantic party members place him second - behind David Millipede - as their choice. However, knowing Scandalson’s deviant sexual proclivity, having him hovering behind you is definitely not a favourable position to be in – regardless of back-stabbing – as an opportunity might well present itself wherein Millipede has occasion to bend over.