Saturday, 31 October 2009

School Brands Five-Year Old Racist Pig

Let me tell you about Oriole Jaffacake. He’s a very bright five-year old child and comes from a nice home. Oriole is extremely polite, courteous and a normal healthy boy in both mind and body - and has a friend called Semolina.

While Oriole is a British-born Indian Asian and Semolina O’Dinga a Brit’-born Central African Ugandan negro they are next door neighbours and attend the same class at the Smegmadale Elementary School for Latter Day Bigots.

Last week Oriole confided one of his grandfather’s Kashmiri age-old adages to Semolina – on how God (the Christian bloke that lives in Heaven – not one of your infidel heathen Deities) created humans - and why they are all different colours.

According to Oriole’s Indian grandfather - who lives in the family’s back garden shed with the goats - when God made the first man he formed the desired shape – pretty much in His own image - then baked him in the oven for 30 minutes at Gas Mark 3 - but when he pulled him out he was still uncooked and very pale and white– so that failure was discarded and a called the ‘Honky’.

God’s next attempt went into the oven for a full 90 minutes at Gas Mark 6 and came out all black and burned – so this one He also discarded and called the ‘Nigga’.

Then God had a bit of a think, scratched his head, formed another human and put him in the over at Gas Mark 4 for 45 minutes – and this one came out perfect – a nice even all-over mid-brown – and as God’s masterpiece de resistance was called the ‘Asian Aryan’.

According to Oriole, Semolina found the old proverb funny and they enjoyed a good laugh together.

However last week Oriole and Semolina had a ball-busting argument over who’s turn it was to play ‘The Doctor’ and who’s turn to be ‘de patient’ in their covert ‘comparative anatomy’ games in Oriole’s tree house, with Semolina totally spitting the dummy when Oriole insisted it was his turn to be the Doctor and give her an enema with his water pistol.

Semolina went ballistic and buggered off home in a huff, then – following the premise that ‘revenge is a meal best partaken cold’ - grassed Oriole up to the official School Snitch the following morning regarding his ‘politically incorrect’ Creation story.

Oriole parents were contacted and summoned to the Principal’s office where they were confronted with their son’s radical ‘racially-superior’ mindset - labelling Caucasian whites and Negro blacks as ‘ God’s failures’ and himself – an Asian – as the Aryan Ubermensch.

Oriole’s parents attempted to laugh the matter off as a display of childish trivia not to be taken seriously but were given short shrift and informed that under new EU statutes the Common Purpose-trained (brainwashed) Social Services Gestapo would be involved - and perhaps the police also - to refer the matter to the Director of Public Prosecutions for possible charges to be levelled against the five-year old Oriole for inciting racial discord.

Obviously the school Principal was wholly ignorant of the fact that English Law states without ambiguity that a child under 10 years is incapable of committing a felony – even though upon attaining the age of eleven they can then be charged and prosecuted for crimes against humanity, ethnic cleansing and minor acts of genocide.

Oriole’s paternal grandfather Ramjam Jaffacake, a retired tortoise polisher, told a reporter from the Xenophobia Gazette “Hey the entire world’s gone absolutely bonkers – goodness gracious me - the God baking humans story is a bit of an old comical yarn really and not meant to cause anyone offence.”

“Even now, at 85-years of age, I still joke that I like my women the same way I have my coffee - not too dark, not too light – and definitely not too sweet.”

Friday, 30 October 2009

Scumwood Barmaid Bankrupts Benefits Agency

A part-time barmaid and career welfare cheat was today convicted of multiple counts of benefit fraud.
Bronmai Lawson was given a 12 month suspended prison sentence and ordered to perform 150 hours of unpaid Community Service duty as a ‘pavement licker’ around her Scumwood Housing Estate.

The offender was further ordered to repay £24,000,000 fraudulently claimed for housing and council tax relief, and in disability benefits for her couch spud mutant husband Quasimodo – a former bell-ringer - over the past nine years.

According to reports in the local Sale & Altrincham Shitraker weekly newspaper Bronmai Lawson, aged 65, of Swindler’s Close, Timperley, was grassed up by local benefit fraud snitches after she was seen working in a Pound Stretcher store dressed as Witchie Poo and modelling their current line of occult scary products in the run-up to Halloween.

Manchester Crown Court Judge Wentworth Fuctifino refused to accept Lawson’s plea of ‘Justifiable Diddling’ and her defence statement of “Well, every other fucker and their dog’s on the fiddle – includin’ our own MP – so why can’t I claim a few bob extra too?”

Lawson’s benefit irregularities recently came under Department of Works & Pensions scrutiny after she submitted a claim for a £2,000 ‘disability access’ duck island – with gazebo – for her mobility-impaired mallard ‘Quackers’ – to be build in a non-existent back garden fish pond.

DWP investigators discovered Lawson was also claiming jobseekers allowance for herself while working as a part-time barmaid at the local Rampant Roebuck pub, and was a long-term employee - paid cash-in-hand - at the celebrity-cordon bleu Granny Clampett’s ‘Manky Manger’ chew n spew restaurant.

Lawson, who won the Altrincham Festival’s Miss Poison Dwarf award in 1976 - following her 32FF cup breast enhancement cosmetic surgery proceedure - was grassed up by neighbours pissed off with her boasts of regular lavish vacations at their luxury Greek mansion in the Aegean’s Scallie Islands.

Regular patrons at the Rampant Roebuck affectionately described the top-heavy Lawson as “all tits and nowt much else” – and “havin’ the personality of a landfill site and bein’ as much fun as chemotherapy.”

Lawson herself told the Fux News “I did it fer me shit-fer-brains lad Loopy Leighton ter pay off his drug debts cos he’d come home howlin’ “Mummy, Mummy, me Bench Hill drug supplier’s are gonna trash Dad’’s car wiv sledgehammers again if yer don’t pay ‘em a few hundred quid real quick like!”

Loopy Leighton, a product of copulating at the shallow end of the gene pool, is believed to be hiding out on the local Scrunts Field allotments – disguised as a Cabbage Patch doll.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Church Choirs get ‘Shut Up’ Notices

Two churches in London have been ordered to keep the noise down after neighbours complained about the deafening hymn renditions from their choir’s singing voices at Sunday services.

Noise abatement notices were issued to the Church of Latter Day Rastafarians in Scumborough Hamlets and the Luciano Pavagrotti Christian Centre for Deaf Yodellers at Smegmadale Gardens last week.

The ‘Jesus is the Boss’ Christian Legal Centre described the notices as a "typical example of Big Brother Bully council tactics" but the borough council claims in defence that the notices were a last resort after mediation failed to reduce the decibel levels of some of both church’s West Indian gospel wailers.

Pastor Monty Marley of the Church of Latter Day Rastafarians told a reporter from the Whingeing Gits Gazette that since the notice was served their congregation had lost about 50 of up to 150 worshippers on Sundays - who now simply assemble on Wimbledon Common to bawl their weekly praises to God – and so far no complaints have been received from the indigenous Wombles.

Pastor Marley’s church challenged the noise abatement notice but its appeal was rejected by the magistrates last week – with one of the Scumborough Hamlets council’s petty bureaucratic jobsworths informing the Daily Shitraker that the church faces a fine of £20,000 if it breaks the order in future.

Lamenting the turn of events, Pastor Marley explained "Because we’re an urban church surrounded by heathens, Satanists and Godless atheist type neighbours we’ve had to cut down the steel drums and sing in a real low key – which sorta defeats the point when you’re trying to get the high notes of the Banana Boat song to bounce off Heaven’s Gates – especially the ‘Day-O!” choruses.”

Conversely Mrs. Rita Scrunt, whose end terrace council slum on Haile Selassie Street faces Pastor Marley’s church, told a reporter from the Infidels Gazette “Good bleedin’ riddance I say if they do eff’ off and take their church elsewhere.”

“You should have heard the noise here every Sunday mornin’ while we’re tryin’ to have a lie in bed after a hard week scroungin' down the Jobcentre an’ dodgin’ the benefit fraud blokes.”
“Then in the afternoon yer get their effin’ steel band bangin’ away an’ a bunch of darkies bawlin’ bleedin’ reggae songs while yer trying’ ter watch Match of the Day on the telly – no thanks.”

Closing on a sad note Pastor Marley mentioned that their resident bell-ringer Jason Quasimodo has been placed on suicide watch by the paramilitary Samaritan’s group since being ordered to ring the church bells ‘quietly’.

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Middle Kingdom Makes Green Energy First

Chinese car maker BWB today announced it is about to release a prototype electric vehicle capable of revolutionising the world of motoring.

Senior BWB (Big Wheel Barrow) design engineer Dr. Flip Flop Fong – the man responsible for power steering on Mongolian roller blades - informed reporters from the Shit or Bust Gazette that the company’s new E6 electric car - due to hit European and US markets before the end of the year - will do 250 miles (400km) on a single charge – and even further if left plugged in.

By comparison the Tesla electric sports car can achieve a similar range, but is basically a battery mounted on four wheels with a seat and steering wheel on top - and no room for passengers or luggage.

Conversely the BWB’s E6 model is roomy with space for ten passengers and a good-sized trunk that can hold several sacks of rice or two crates of ducks – with the battery being towed behind on a trailer.

It currently requires 2 days to charge the car’s battery when plugged into a domestic household 220 volt socket but BWB saleswoman Ms Yu Won Wank informed an interviewer from the BBC’s Flop Gear programme a specially developed fast charging point with a lead the diameter of an elephant’s trunk will fill up the car in just one hour – with this facility being available at any local nuclear power station.

BWB's Thaumaturgical Research Division has already established its name and credentials as one of the world's leaders in rechargeable battery technology with their Orme-based / exotic metals super conductor Rampant Rabbit vibrator battery kit that is capable of bringing an entire convent of nuns to orgasm before requiring a fresh charge – with this technology being the foundation for the new E6 vehicle’s power pack.

The green group WWF has just appointed the Chinese energy expert Dr Sum Dum Fuk as its head of global solutions. He advised the Sceptics Review that he would reserve judgment on BWB's claims until he saw further road test endurance results – especially so after learning the company was now planning on attaching a wind turbine to the roof of the E6 coupe model – as an optional extra.

The E6 will sell for 200,000 Yuan and is aimed initially at the Middle Eastern / Gulf region market where BWB’s ‘Camel Jockey’ model will have the entire body fabricated from solar panels so it can be parked or driven in continual charge mode during the daytime.

BWB’s Dubai-based sales rep’ Mohammed al Wang told an interviewer from Scrapheap Challenge “The E6 is set to go and runs a record 250 miles plus in the daytime – but unfortunately comes to a full stop as soon as it goes dark – but we’re working on that minor glitch even as I speak.”

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Dubya to Become Moronvational Speaker

Who was the Illuminati’s PNAC stooge that got the US embroiled in two illegal foreign wars – solely to steal oil and opium – then a monster recession of Biblical proportions – ending up his two dodgy four-year terms with a terminal public approval rating of a toxic 2% - in Texas?

Why, George Dubya Bush, of course - for it was he - who since 2001 has inspired millions of people to commit suicide or smite thy good neighbour – and even vote Democrat — is now about to set out on a new career as a highly-paid ‘motivationalising’ speaker.

On Monday the former Republican President – a man who actually talks to God - will appear as the headline speaker on the popular Get Moronvated seminar programme, which describes itself as an “action-packed, inspiring business event that is world famous for its war criminal superstar speakers – like Tony Bliar - and now laugh-a-minute clots like Dubya Bush.

The Shrub is already booked to appear in San Antonio in December - supervising the Santa Claus grotto at Wal-Mart and ‘inspiring pre-schoolers to sign up to serve Uncle Sam as the next generation of cannon fodder' – if they manage to survive their H1N1 Sneezy Pig flu shots.

Monday’s scheduled Forth Worthless event at the Homer Simpson Institute for Advanced Political Science will also feature a celebrity host of other practiced public liars including Co-lin Bowell, a failed Secretary of State; Rudy Lyingit, the former New York Mayor who told the city’s residents – post 9/11 to ‘Breath deep n feel the Force’- and Rick Bellendo, the one-time Microslop executive who claimed Vista was a ‘great system’.

The Get Moronvated programme has been a huge business success, but the appearance of the Shrub at a seminar about, among other things, “How to Master the Art of Effective Leadership” has produced guffaws and outsold world-class stand-up comedians in DVD sales.

“Only the top political scumsters appear on our stage!” declares the Get Moronvated website – further claiming Monday’s event will be a sensational “moronvationalising mega-show that packs more inspirational firepower than a stick of silly putty or a Mexican cattle prod!”

Yet Dubya will probably have the last laugh: he is being paid a reported $100,000 for each appearance. His wife, Laura, is also speaking for Get Moronvated at other events around US state prisons, meaning the former First Couple could have earned what accountants call ‘lots and lots of money’ by the end of the year.

Bush’s handlers are planning to commission a ghost-written book on his catastrophic presidency : The Year of the Goat – to be co-authored with Casper - which can also be read up-side-down - in addition to building a presidential library from tossed out knidergarten books and iconic super hero comics – and all that from a man who’s as literate as a Louisiana swap alligator and is in the Guinness Book of Idiotic Records for his myriads of grammatic faux pas.

Fellattia van der Gamm, the executive vice-president of Get Moronvated, informed a reporter from Fux News “It‘s the pits to bore people with a presentation so speakers need to add humour to their presentations by studying stand-up comedy – and who is a better natural than Dubya on that score, I ask you? - this is the man who put the ‘P in Prat'."

George Dubya will also share his thoughts on decision-making and managing complex situations - like how to juggle two illegal foreign wars - with the publication of a series of “Ask Dick or Laura’ books – to ensue he and Casper’s best-selling political crime thriller‘Scooter gets Off Scot-Free'.

His new ‘Get Motivationalised’ DVD, released last week, now tops the world-wide comedy chart sales – and is reported to be so funny that several people have died from laughter while viewing it – especially the segment where the entire lecture hall audience of thousands stand up in unison and start throwing shoes at him.

The DVD has been greeted with abhorrence and duly castigated by Muslim viewers – especially so Bush’s numpty references to "Givin' ‘Big Al’ Qaeda and his Islama-do-dang buddy Taliban Dan a dose of Uncle Sam’s special ‘Shock n Awe’ pie" – plus how Dubya’s good pal God would “knock six kinds of shit outa their Allah guy in a fair fight."

However, after Dubya stated for the record while on the presidential election campaign trail in Michigan, September 2000, that - “I know human beings and fish can co-exist peacefully” – there’s hope for us all.

Idiotic India Goes on Wicked Witch Hunt

A small coven of women were paraded naked, beaten with sticks of rhubarb and forced to eat human excrement by superstitious villagers after being branded as witches in India's remote northern Moronland province.

Police chief Ramjam Jaffacake told a reporter from the Ducking Stool Gazette that the victims were Muslim widows who had been labelled as witches by a local Hindu fakir – Ragtat Gaga - after he saw them riding broomsticks and fornicating with a ‘man-goat’ in a dream the previous night.

Gaga alerted the local ‘Witchiepoo squad’ and identified five women from the village as being witches who practised sorcery and brought ‘miseries’ to the area – such as repeat television broadcasts of the X-Factor and Big Brother.
The incident occurred on Sunday at a remote village in the isolated Donger district.

Media correspondents say the abuse of women who are branded as witches is common, but digicam footage of the incident posted on YouTube has caused outrage across India – and with the US-Salem-based International Federation of Witches condemning their persecution.

Hundreds of women have been targeted and killed across the basket case sub-continent over the past few years because their brain-dead neighbours believed they were witches solely due the fact they had the odd wart.

However the learned opinions of certain sociologists and police investigators indicate that while superstitious beliefs are behind some of these frenzied mob attacks – normally aimed at single women – and especially so widows – they are being falsely targeted as witches to provide an excuse for greedy grasping villagers to steal their land and property.

One Delhi-based women’s support group – Black Cats and Broomsticks - claim local priests, tribal chiefs or avaricious relatives declare widows or divorcees to be witches so they can take control of their property – and in most cases reports are not made to the police as they too are involved in the crooked land-grabbing scams.

Earlier this year a visiting theatrical troupe – the Samarkand Shakespeare Players – were rehearsing their planned staging of Macbeth in Shitbag Pradesh province when a mob of unwashed peasants - led by the local ganga-fuelled Sadhu holy man – stormed the production and dragged away the three witches – one of which was a Balucchi transvestite – tied them together in a field - covered in hay and doused with kerosene – then set them on fire.

The initial connived police report claimed the local villagers were angered at the Scots-themed 'Tartan and Haggis' production as they wanted to see Romeo and Juliet.

Monday, 26 October 2009

Balkanized Iraq Needs Strong Leadership

At least 132 people have been killed and 520 injured in two massive car bomb attacks in Baghdad, according to the FUBAR News Agency and reports coming in on the Abattoir Channel.

The blasts hit the Department of Injustice building and the nearby Ministry of Firewood near the jolly Green Zone, causing what army ordnance specialists termed ‘lots and lots of damage’.

The explosions occurred in quick succession at approximately 10:30 hours local time as people headed to their local Jobcenntres on scrounging missions or engaged in shoplifting excursions during the morning rush hour.

Foreign war correspondents holding a requiem mass in the lounge bar of the Sheraton Hotel told each other this is the deadliest day in Iraq since the last deadliest day – about a week ago.

The sheer size of the blasts have drawn comparison with a similar incident at the Ministry for Graft and Corruption in August when Mustafa Jaffacake - the Secretary for Bribes’ - over-stuffed wallet reached critical mass and underwent a dynamic chain reaction - exploding in a sub-nuclear fireball, killing at least 100 people and injuring millions more.

But those responsible for today’s destructive atrocities - government spokesman Ali bin Doggybag told one reporter from Fux News - he personally suspected were al-Qaeda's Saracen Scally militants - or perhaps members of Saddam Hussein's former Mukhabarat secret service agents being behind the attacks.

"The initial analysis shows that it might just bear the fingerprint of al-Qaeda or Taliban Dan – or probably the Baathists as the first bomb was concealed in a bathtub stuck on the back of a pickup truck – that is the give-away - definitely Mukhabarat."

There were conflicting reports from the Iraqi police and the military and other security officials about whether suicide bombers were involved or not – but none none of the three groups seemed to have much idea about what the fuck had happened or was going on – apart from the fact it was time for lunch.

The BBC's correspondent in Baghdad, Gerbhard Greenhouse, said he felt the force of the explosions this morning, even though he was several miles away interviewing bar staff for breakfast television at a local halal cocktail and belly dancing lounge.

Iraqi officials claim the number of dead and wounded is likely to rise, as rescue workers dig through the rubble to search for survivors and they count up all the hands and feet that have come to land on neighbouring rooftops.

But once the Ministry for Nasty Rumours has finished spreading lies the finger of blame is likely to point to insurgents or foreign fighters trying to destabilise the already shaky security situation ahead of pre-rigged Iraqi elections early next year.

Overall, violence has dropped dramatically in Iraq compared to a year ago when the gung-ho Yanks were still there as a semi-coherent military force but sporadic attacks still continue in several parts of the country dominated by Zionist Mossad agents.

Iraqi politicians and UN advisors unanimously agree that what the country now needs is a return to the type of strong and determined leadership they had under Saddam Hussein – to bring cohesion back to the fragmented tribal areas that were created and promoted by the meddling Coalition of the Morons following their 2003 illegal invasion.

Ministry of Propaganda spokesman Ramadan Danny summed the current political instability up with this: “We need Saddam back from his secret exile refuge in Kazakhstan – he’s the only bloke who could ever keep this shithole in order.”

“There was no problem between Sunni-side ups and Shites – and the Kurds and other marginalised minorities would never have dared cede from the sovereign state when the Boss was here – as they all feared our weapons of mass distraction would be used against them double-quick – within 45 minutes in fact – then the Americans invade and found out it was all bluff and bluster and we didn’t have any nuclear nasties – shame!”
“Personally I blame David Kelly for that shag-up.”

Sunday, 25 October 2009

BNP Boss Falls Victim to Lynch Mob

It was a moment 5,000 mixed race and ethnic Brit’ protesters – stark-bollock naked, daubed in traditional blue woad and massed outside the London BBC TV Centre - had spent much of the day trying to stop until they got bored and switched to overturning double-decker buses, throwing battle axes at the drawbridge and drowning expense-cheating MP’s in the piranha-infested moat.

But pig-eyed British Nasty Party leader and all-round Aryan superman Nick Griffin finally strode fearlessly – jackboot heels clicking in true neo-Nazi fashion - onto the Question Time TV set and took his place beside David Bumblebee unmolested by those who had campaigned to keep him away - and peremptorily silence his customary racist slurs and immigration diatribes.

Inside the studio there was anger, occasionally instances of jeering, spitting and lobbing dead cats and roadkill hedgehogs – and that from the cameramen alone - but enough order over chaos for the audience to hear what the guests had to say - if they turned up the volume on their deaf aids.

BNP leader Nick Griffin, now the officially-elected MEP for Europe’s East Auschwitz constituency - began with denials of the rumours he was actually related to Adolf Hitler or that his maternal grand-father had been called Schickelgruber and worked as a gas fitter in Vienna.

Griffin explained that quotes attributed to him in the newspapers claiming South Africa is now a political and economic basket case solely due the collapse of the white supremist governing regime and their apartheid policies was taken totally out of context when he called Nelson Mandela a ’spade’ – even though he was carrying a shovel.

Quizzed on his recent appearance alongside the Mississippi-based Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard Billy Bob Squashanigger - caught on video and available on YouTube - Griffin claimed the 'Triple K' leader was totally non-violent and simply very particular in his choice of social companions or dinner guests – as he was allergic to darkies – foreigners – Jews – Catholics – and those other guys from India with towels wrapped round their heads – or anyone with a tablecloth on their bonce that rode a camel.

Prodded with sharp sticks by the noose-wielding audience of permanently sun-tanned types Griffin was asked whether he continued to deny the Nazi – Jewish Holohoax had taken place because there were still far too many kikes running the banking system - replying "I cannot explain why I used to say those things any more – probably just to get skinhead votes – but I can tell you I've changed my mind – especially now these new EU laws can have me thrown in prison forever for ‘Holohoax Denial’ and Shylock-bashing.”

Yes, Griffin admitted under the heat of the harsh spotlights and public glare - he still maintained the Islamic religion was a "wicked and vicious faith" because it treated women like chattels and encouraged their radical Jolly Jihadist to blow up the London tube trains and make commuters late for work.

Further, those he described as the "indigenous people" of Britain felt shut out in their own country.
"We’re the effin’ Abo’s here – not these darkie immigrants from Poland and swan-roastin’ pikey twats comin’ over here nickin’ anythin’ that isn’t nailed down an’ claimin’ welfare benefits so they can buy drugs an put their women out on the streets floggin’ their gollies and what have yer," Griffin rambled on.

Fellow Question Time guest, the homophobic Baroness Sayeeda Warti - the Conservative Shadow Minister for Paki’ Rights and Gay Bashings – renown around the House of Conman’s as a diminutive but feisty Muslim motor-mouthed gob-shite – tore into Griffin’s racist past and the core racist ideology of the BNP still dominating political policy.

She then accused Justice Secretary Jack Strawberry of not giving an honest answer when he was questioned whether the Labour government’s bungling immigration policy had contributed to the BNP's success as a political party.

Strawberry replied – in his usual practiced evasive style - that the week’s weather had been quite mild for late Autumn – which proved the case for global warming.

Griffin, as leader of the despised neo-Nazi BNP, is the closest thing the UK has to an actual Anti-Christ and a political figurehead to be ridiculed and despised every time he opens his mouth – since Tony Bliar abdicated his Throne of Evil to the current bungling Scots incumbent.

Conversely the BNP has, under Griffin’s leadership, drastically modified and re-invented itself from being a political assembly of radical skinheads kitted out in Doc Martens steel toe-capped darkie-kicker boots – emerging on today’s national scene as respectable yobs dressed in suits – quite a few of which can now read and write.

Israel Spit Dummy viz IAEA Accord

Israeli Defence Minister Barak (Hey – coincidence or what – he and the all-new American President share a common name) has voiced Tel Aviv's concern about the positive progress in talks between Iran, the IAEA and major world powers on Tehran's purported weapons of mass distraction program in Vienna this week.

Ehud Barak was commenting on a draft accord that the International Atomic Energy Agency has handed to Iran, Russia, the US and France at the UN’s HQ in Austria for approval by Friday.

According to the draft agreement, Iran is to ship 1,200 tons of low yield (3.5-percent-enriched) nuclear rhubarb to Russia before the end of the year to be enriched to a level of 20 percent and then transferred to France, where it will undergo processing into nuclear fuel rods – then returned to Tehran for use in its research reactor and in the production of medical isotopes, dessert crumbles, fruit pies, savoury preserves and missile warheads.

"I repeat that the cessation of enrichment of weapons-grade rhubarb by Iran is needed, and not just the removal of the material to be enriched by Russia" the Warmongers Gazette quoted Minister Barak as saying yesterday.

“Hey, the mad Mullahs are getting it all their own way and that sucks big time considering how many muppets and stooges AIPAC control inside the UN and White House administration.”

“How are we ever going to have an excuse to bomb their nuke facilities and invade the place to create Pan-Zion from the Nile to the Himalayas if the UN and the IAEA reckon Iran’s not a threat to anyone, regardless of their nutty leader’s anti-Semitic rhetoric?”

“So we’ll just carry on sabotaging their nuclear supply train and let Mossad’s ‘Double Tap n Snuff’ teams continue to bump off their scientists.”

Once the agreement is signed the Islamic Republic will receive legitimacy for not only growing and enriching rhubarb inside its sovereign national boundaries - for civilian and peaceful purposes only – but also permission to produce radioactive custard in vast commercial quantities - should the deal be endorsed on schedule.

From the gross hypocrite viewpoint, Israel, which openly opposes Iran's nuclear rhubarb enrichment for peaceful purposes, is the Middle East's sole possessor of a large covert arsenal of nasty nuclear weapons and has never signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty nor the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty.

This factor, they claim, still allows them to detonate micro-nukes around the globe (Bali / WTC 1 & 2 – 9/11) when expediting false flag operations to demonise Islam and anyone else they don’t get along with who has a taste for halal rhubarb and custard.

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Queen’s Royal Mail to be Sold to Dutch

As power mad as ever and still wheeler-dealing and meddling in matters far beyond his scope of limited political and intellectual skills, Labour’s very own Vermin in Ermine, Lord Peter Scandalson, is trying yet again to pawn off the Royal Mail postal service to some infidel Dutch snail mail group with the explosive terrorist title of TNT – in a nasty display of payback and revenge for his earlier defeats to attain the same end in his ‘privatisation’ wars.

Gordon ‘Cyclops’ Broon’s nerafious Business Secretary and de facto Slime Minister-in-Waiting Peter Scandalson has, in typical practiced fashion, sneaked off behind the Royal Mail and representative Communications Workers Union backs yet again to negotiate the fire sale of the highly profitable iconic and regal institution to a bunch of double-Dutch carpet-baggers.

This ‘fire sale’ is a continuation of New Labour’s vandalising policies towards the UK’s postal service since they came into power twelve long and depressing years ago, and have again broken a 1997 Manifesto commitment to preserve the Royal Mail at all costs and against all odds.

Now tens of thousands of postal service workers’ jobs are at risk after the Royal Mail’s management - led by CEO Adam Dozier - and Downing Street have forged a secret Satanic pact to force them into a Catch 22 situation whereby whatever the strike hopes to achieve it will be a ‘heads or tails - we win' situation to the detriment of the Royal Mail’s proletariate staff – to fulfill Labour’s aim of selling off the company regardless.

Until Broon, as Labour’s wholly-inept Chancellor, started leeching the mail service’s mega-billion pound annual profits to the point of severe haemorrhage to fund a variety of his other money-wasting schemes all was honky-dory.

Alas now they are bled dry and left an unhealthy anaemic pale by Broon’s parasitic schemes of robbing Peter to pay Paul – and then robbing Paul to fund catastrophic foreign wars, MP’s pay raises, pensions, and felonious expense claims - and pay the IMF interest on the UK’s national overdraft – then resorts to selling Peter – and Paul – into a life of foreign owned-penal servitude.

They might well be reminded who actually put the ‘Royal’ in Royal Mail – and remember what happens to traitors who would place the welfare of the sovereign Realm in dire jeopardy by pawning it off to a foreign power.

In 1516 Henry VIII established a Master of Posts - and the postal service - manned by a force of official Crown personages and appointees equipped with forked sticks who delivered the mailed messages that were stuck securely in the stick’s cleft.

These were the true heydays of the Royal Mail service - when you could have a parcel of sheepskins or pigs bladders – or a haunch of poached venison - posted for next day delivery service for as little as two groats.

This service later evolved to employ pigeons as carriers of lightweight messages, then onto ponies, then coaches and a team of four, then railway trains, then aeroplanes, and finally a total devolution back to men posting mail door to door – but now represented by a management with forked tongues.

Postmen told Pox News this morning that they are furious the company has stabbed them squarely in the back by advertising for 30,000 temporary staff to beat the two-day strike.

However, the company insists it is acting lawfully and merely trying to illustrate that nobody’s job is safe and there are plenty of Albanian swan-roasting pikeys ready to deliver the coming Christmas rush of mail on foot – and in all weathers - for rock-bottom wages.

Royal Mail management claim there is already a backlog of 30 million items awaiting delivery following regional strikes and this figure is expected to top 150 million by the weekend and will include such perishable items as sheepskins, pigs bladders and haunches of poached venison.

Hopefully the Royal Mail workers don’t take the American term of ‘going postal’ too literally and deliver a parcel of real TNT through Scandalson’s letterbox.

Friday, 23 October 2009

Weapons Inspector: A Suicide Profession?

Police are investigating a possible crime scene after a British atomic energy and weapons specialist involved in negotiations with Iran over its nuclear programme fell 40 metres to his death inside the UN’s headquarters building in Vienna.

Officials announced this morning that the man – named as Professor Timothy Hampton – died on the spot yesterday after a fall from the 17th floor at the Vienna International Kamikaze Centre – one of the United Nations main European HQ’s along with Geneva.

The 47-year-old scientist died instantaneously after falling more than 120ft to the bottom of a stairwell. Preliminary police forensic reports leaked to the Seppuku Gazette indicate that Hampton was wearing neither a regulation hi-viz jacket, safety boots, a parachute nor a crash helmet.

Police detectives photographing Hampton’s felo-de-se ‘launch point’ quickly noted that no evidence of bungee jumping equipment was discovered at the scene either – definitely indicating a motive of self-harm.

Prof. Hampton worked for the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty Organization, an international agency charged with uncovering illicit nuclear weapons programmes - similar to North Korea’s and Israel’s – both non-consignees of the International Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

A UN spokeswoman, Fellattia Slimebaum, based in the Austrian capital, informed Fux News there were no "suspicious circumstances" surrounding the scientist's death, apart from the fact he had a mouthful of Co-Proxamol tablets and exhibited signs of having attempted to slash his own wrists with a blunt penknife.

Vienna CID Inspector Seymour Weaselberg told the media that no suicide note had been discovered so far and that third parties were not believed to have been involved. The fact that the man’s hands were secured behind his back with tie wrap plasti-cuffs simply indicated further evidence of his determination to take his own life.

Further official details were not readily forthcoming nor available - beyond the announcement that an in-camera autopsy would be held once investigators had mopped up all the blood and gore with blotting paper.

The incident occurred on Tuesday evening as Britain, the United States, France, Russia and Iran held talks on the same floor of the building aimed at cooling tensions over suspicions concerning Tehran's conjectured nuclear programme.

Four months ago another UN scientist - also identified as a British nuclear weapons inspector - fell from the same floor of the same building, according to gossip coming fresh off the rumour mill.

Vienna International Kamikaze Centre maintenance staff employed by the UN informed the Conspiracy Gazette that there had been a similar case in July, when an employee died after he tripped and fell from the same stairwell entrance on the 17th floor to the basement level 40 meters below.

Chinese whispers abound that when he delivered his official specialist report to the IAEA’s multi-national taskforce that afternoon Professor Hampton had clearly stipulated that in his team’s qualified opinion neither the Tehran government nor elite Republican Guard military were pursuing a clandestine nuclear bomb programme –and fabricated evidence of such was based entirely on a US-Israeli generated ‘weapons of mass distraction’ propaganda campaign to provide an excuse to attack and invade the country and steal it’s oil resources – just like Iraq.

Unfortunately Hampton decided to take his own life before publicly revealing the contents of his report at a press conference scheduled for later that evening.

Perhaps prophetically, according to reliable tittle-tattle from UN and IAEA whistleblowers, Hampton ventured to colleagues over lunch that “If I deliver our report this afternoon then I’ll probably be found dead in the woods – or at the bottom of a stairwell.”

Vienna police informed Pox News that Tel Aviv-based Kosher-Cam, the security providers for the UN buildings globally, claimed the CCTV cameras on the 17th floor has experienced a breakdown due solar activity and were not working at the time of the unfortunate accident.

Global Warming Scam Bores Millions to Death

The UK faces a "catastrophe" of floods, droughts and killer heatwaves if world leaders fail to agree a deal on climate change, the prime minister will warn.

Prime Munster Gordon ‘Cry Wolf’ Broon is set to address the Major Economies Forum in London this week, which is striving to bring together a mere 17 of the world's biggest greenhouse gas-emitting countries and get them to admit they’re shagging up the global environment.

Mr Broon will inform them, in a grand theatrical doomsayer performance, there is no time to organise a Plan B if agreement can’t be reached on the existing Plan A at this coming December's UN Climate Change Propaganda Summit in tropical Denmark’s capital of Copenhagen.

However, to date nobody seems to have the slightest idea what Plan A actually is – although sceptics and critics alike claim it’s based on Al Bore’s ‘Inconvenient Truth’ propaganda movie – and further rooted in faulty science, bureaucratic scaremongering and a scheme set up by grasping commercial interests to rake in mega-bucks from the imposition of their dodgy carbon exchange cap and trade bourse after the coming second round collapse of the US dollar, banks, Freddie Frog style mortgage institutions, stock exchanges and the entire dodgy derivatives market.

While ignoring the fact that global temperatures peaked in 1998 and have been ‘dropping’ ever since – for the past eleven years – as we enter another Ice Age - negotiators have 50 days to save the world from global warming Broon intends to declare in a pathetic attempt to add a touch of histrionic emphasis to his speech - by further appearing at the rostrum dressed in a pair of swimming trunks with a 4-knot hankie stuck atop his balding pate.

The Copenhagen summit in December is intended produce a new global climate change deal to replace the threadbare 1997 Kyoto Protocol that no-one really bothered to take much notice of from day one – and the US refused to ratify then totally ignored – while being personally responsible for 36.1% of global emission levels.

"In Britain we face the prospect of more frequent droughts and a rising wave of floods from all the unseasonable summer – and winter - rains," Comrade Broon is NLP-primed to tell delegates.

A quick peek at Gordon’s prepared speech reveals "The extraordinary summer heatwave of 2003 in Europe resulted in over 35,000 extra deaths – with vacationers being parboiled in their bikinis as they sat on beaches and pigeons getting roasted as they flew through the air.”

Further, that by 2015 an extra 1.8 billion people - a quarter of the world's current population - could lack sufficient water to wash their bums or clean their teeth – it would come down to being one or the other.

However Broon and his faulty science stooges seemed to ignore the fact that tropical / torrid zone countries experience these same ‘heatwave’ temperatures – and higher - on a daily basis, along with bollocks-deep monsoon rains – and parched-earth droughts during their six month dry seasons – and have still managed to survive as rural farming communities since time immemorial.

Well, for Gordon and his likely lads at the Ministry of Scaremongering, that’s one side of the story – and they’re sticking to it.

On the other side of the coin the iconic BBC – traditionally a body to faithfully tow the orthodox government line – has permitted its climate change correspondent to place his entire career in dire jeopardy by telling the truth – based on real science - and allowing him to publicly declare that global warming stopped in 1998 – and the entire global warming / greenhouse effect is a commercial scam – with the polar icecaps growing and getting thicker – not melting.

So, hang on a minute - if it’s not got any warmer and only got cooler since 1998 – how the f*ck did Al Bore get a Nobel Peace Prize for his 'A Convenient Pile of Bullshit' movie based on faulty ‘Chicken Little’ science? - researched and engineered to order by the UN's Institute for Scary Propaganda?

Perhaps much the same reasons as Barack Obama got his Nobel Peace Prize for committing more troops to Afghanistan, supporting Israel’s military assaults on Gaza and his bully-boy tactics of poking Iran with a sharp stick.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Diocese Uses Chapter 11 to Hide Kiddie Fiddling

The US Roman Catholic diocese of Wilmington is attempting to delay the start of a paedophile sex abuse trial yet again with a last ditch bankruptcy move to file for Chapter 11 protection since a celebrated deviant clergy / kiddie fiddling scandal erupted in Boston in 2002

Now the Catholic diocese in Delaware has filed for federal bankruptcy protection on the eve of a civil trial in a high-profile choirboy groping pederast case.

The bankruptcy filing, which automatically delays the case, is the seventh time the diocese has filed for Chapter 11 protection since the nationwide scandal erupted several years ago over sex abuse allegations against Catholic clergy in the bumboy’s paradise of Boston.

"This is a painful decision for anyone with haemorrhoids or an enlarged prostate," Fr. Salvatore Deviante, the bishop of St. Sodoms Church, stated on his diocese website.
The dodgy deviant Bishop claims the decision was made "after the most careful consideration and consultation with my close advisers and fellow perverts that we have no other choice if we’re ever going to keep a lid on this scandal".

Ms. Sue Fleecem, a lawyer representing four score and eight of the alleged victims, described the bankruptcy filing as a desperate effort to hide the truth from the public and conceal the thousands of pages of scandalous documents and homosexual kiddie porno photos from being made public in court.

"This filing is the latest, sad chapter in the diocese's decades-long cover-up of these despicable crimes, to maintain the secrecy surrounding its responsibility and complicity in the sexual abuse of hundreds of Catholic children," Ms. Fleecem opined to the Pederasts Gazette.

More than 100 lawsuits were filed this summer, four of which were settled when the claimants were threatened with excommunication if they pushed their abuse claims in court.

Lawyers negotiated throughout yesterday trying to reach a settlement, but failed.

Dioceses in Hawaii, Iowa, Tel Aviv, Portland, Oregon, San Diego, Washington DC and Arizona have also sought bankruptcy protection since 2002 due paedophilia charges brought against priests – with the San Diego Chapter 11 application being dismissed with extreme prejudice after the Bishop turned up at the hearing in his official Rolls Royce outfitted with the personalised registration plate of K4T 4M1T E.

More than 20 plaintiffs alone have filed lawsuits against Francisco De La Sodometti, a former priest who served for 35 years in Delaware until he died of complications from infections of gonorrhea, syphillis, galloping knob rot, scrotum mange and HIV/AIDS last year.

Sodometti was defrocked by the church and his stock of blessed KY Jelly confiscated after being jailed in 2007 in New York for repeatedly molesting a neighbour’s poodle.

Barbara Buggeroff, the head of the advocacy group Survivors Network of Those Shagged up the Ass by Priests, ventured to Fux News that the church had all the resources it needed to take care of victims, and claimed the bankruptcy filing was a way of hiding the truth and preventing the full exposure of the scandal.

The Wilmington diocese has – to date - paid out more than $6.2m (£3.8m) since 2002 to settle sexual abuse lawsuits filed against its paedophile sodomite priests.

This year the US Conference of Catholic Bishops admitted to the Catamites Gazette that the church had paid more than $2.6 billion in settlements and related expenses since 1950.

Now, in anyone’s book that’s quite a sum of money to be forking out to compensate the sins of kiddie-fiddling priests who couldn’t keep their vows of celibacy - nor their dirty deviant pederast fingers off choirboy’s asses.

UN Goldstone Report Hits Israeli War Crimes

The UN Human Rights and Wrongs Council has backed a report into the festive season-of-goodwill Israeli offensive in Gaza that accuses the IDF and the Knesset government of dastardly Nazi-style war crimes bordering on a genocidal mini-Holohoax.

The report, authored by internationally-respected South African jurist Richard Gallstone, calls for credible investigations, admissions and corrections by the Israeli government and military - and suggests international war crimes prosecutions should be filed against the Israeli career psychopaths responsible if they do not - with the cases being referred to the International Criminal Court at The Hague.

Twenty-five countries voted for the resolution to accept and endorse the damning Gallstone report while six of the usual Western Zionist muppet and stooge sovereign nations were against any such castigation being levelled on Israel’s genocidal self-defence actions after receiving nasty phone calls from Lord Jakob Rothshite et Cie.

Both Israel and the Rahm Emmanuel-run White House opposed official endorsement of the report, falsely claiming it would set back their Middle East peace aims (which to date have left the Middle East in ‘Pieces’)

The brown-nosing Palestinian Authority – which does not represent Gaza nor speak for the democratically-elected Hamas - initially backed deferring a vote, but changed its position after receiving intense domestic criticism - and a bomb thrown through President Mahmoud Abbas’ front room window.

Palestinians and human rights groups claim more than 1,400 Gaza residents were killed - and a Biblical legion injured and maimed - in the 22-day fish-in-a-barrel shoot-fest slaughter that ended in January, but Israel decries this and puts the figure at a mere kosher dozen (11).

For the record, throughout the entire blood and guts ethnic cleansing campaign a mere thirteen Israelis soldiers received minor injuries – ranging from scratches to light bruising – with one IDF trooper suffering a profound attack of conscience - following which he deserted and went off to join the Samaritans.

Before the vote in Geneva, from which 11 craven countries abstained, the Palestinian representative tried to back-pedal and argued that the matter was simply about respect for the rule of law – which Israel had been ignoring since stealing Palestine from its rightful owners in 1948.

Earlier, the United Nations Human Rights and Wrongs Commissioner Heinrich von Yidstamper had insisted that now was the time to end the "culture of impunity" which pervaded every act of so-called ‘self-defence’ that Israel perpetrated when waging war against its purported myriad of Arab and Islamic enemies and hold them fully accountable for their war crimes.

Conversely the holier-than-thou Israeli government says that the Gallstone report is biased against God’s chosen people, and removes the right of nations to defend themselves against terrorists – which would include pre-emptive strikes against Iran.

The US representative at the Human Rights and Wrongs Council – Sheldon Slimeberger - agreed, saying that the resolution - which also criticised Israel for its recent bully boy actions in East Jerusalem and demolishing Palestinian homes - only made the prospect of a meaningful peace process more difficult if the rogue terrorist state of Israel isn’t allowed to carry on doing what it wants across the region.

Israeli authorities are continuing to demolish hundreds of Palestinian-owned homes and business premises in East Jerusalem, in defiance of international calls to stop such actions.
Israeli bulldozers yesterday destroyed the foundations of several other buildings nearby – described by some as including a ‘hospital’, and a ‘kindergarten’ and a ‘mosque’.

However while UN officials say such demolitions violate international law and raise serious humanitarian concerns Myron Scumstein, the Knesset’s Minister for New Settlements, claims all the buildings subject to demolition orders were built without Israeli permits – including the Dome on the Rock and the Al-Aqsa Mosque.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Higgs Boson Secret Remains Secret

Big Bang theories that actually went ‘Bang!’, top quantum physics scientists arrested for belonging to Jolly Jihadi terrorist groups, toxic rhubarb gas leaking into the main critical mass vacuum chambers - and a legion of similar mysterious breakdowns – involving CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - have begun to make the entire shebang appear like the world’s most FUBAR and jinxed experiment since the creation of Communism.

Following the latest catastrophe on Monday when the handle fell off the auxiliary custard feed pipe and the reactor chamber was flooded with yellow goo, the doomsayers are now pronouncing the Large Hadron Collider could be sabotaging itself from the future – as the Higgs Boson is the 'Creation' particle God simply doesn’t want mankind to discover.

This piece of Divine conspiracy theory is being touted by a wide range of anoraks, boffins and beardies involved with the mega-zillion dollar piece of Scrapheap Challenge tat that, since it’s original fire-up date in the autumn of 2008, has done nothing but involve expensive breakdown call-outs from the AA, the RAC and the Polish Institute of Plumbing.

So is this series of reoccuring faults really nothing more than bad luck and the result of cheap sweatshop labour and crap workmanship - or is there something weirder and wholly occult – or supernatural – affecting the programme?

Such speculation generally belongs to the bonkers fringes of the conspiracy theory cults, but one Jesuit physicist, Fr. Analo Sodometti, has come out and suggested that the frequency of the LHC’s accidents and problems is far more than a coincidence.
The LHC, he claims, may be sabotaging itself from the future — twisting time to generate a series of scientific setbacks that will prevent the machine fulfilling its intended destiny.

At a glance this theory fits snugly within the bonkers tradition linking the successful start-up of the LHC (whenever) with forecasts of Apocalyptic disasters – that the £3 zillion particle accelerator will create a black hole capable of swallowing the planet – and that the Earth itself could disappear up it’s own polar region.

Head of the Vatican’s Temporal Science department, Fr. Analo Sodometti is a distinguished physicist who has backed up his theory with a cartload of perspicacious mathematics.
Sodometti ventures that the Higgs Boson, the particle that physicists hope to produce with the LHC, might well be a true abomination of nature.

So, in simple layman’s terms that even thick peasants can understand, this means that the creation of Higgs Boson at some point in the future would then ripple backwards through time to put the kibosh on whatever had created it in the past – in this case CERN’s LHC.

Well, that makes sense – doesn’t it - Que?

Whatever, but Fr. Sodometti’s theory isn’t particularly novel as this time displacement concept has been metaphorically linked to the instance of a person travelling back through time itself and killing their own grand-dad (for scientific experimental reasons only) – which would then mean they could not be born – so hence could not travel back in time to kill anybody – something like that.

To close, Sodometti summed his hypothesis up with the apt statement : “In my humble opinion the CERN LHC is a major fuck-up just waiting to happen – and happen – and happen - over and again – until they give up.”
“The Higgs Boson is God’s divine particle which man shall never know.”

CIA Funding Iranian Terrorist Groups

The United States military hawks have thrown their hands up and cried “Time Out!” as they hotly deny accusations of having played a role in a deadly terrorist suicide bombing in southeast Iran.

"We condemn this act of terrorism and mourn the loss of innocent lives – honest – cross my heart and hope to die," State Department spokesman Sheldon Weaselberg declared – just before dropping stone dead - in a statement to a group of media reporters who looked stupid or gullible enough to still believe anything the US government says.

"Reports of alleged CIA involvement are completely false. I mean- would we do a thing like this? Hey – we’re the White House for Christ’s sake – not some anarchist terror group – we leave that to the Iranians and Hezbollah."

A suicide bomber – identified only as Ali Bang Bang - blew himself up on Sunday at a Southern Baptist Christian revival meeting involving Sunni Sideup and Shite tribal leaders at the village of Pisspot al Haq in Iran’s Baluchistan border province.

The CIA funded and Mossad-trained al Qaeda offshoot ‘Jundullah’ terrorist group, led by Abominable Nastygit, claimed responsibility for the attack that killed several top regional security officials and four provincial commanders of the Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps including Brigadier Numpty Ali Shitorbust and General Dibdab bin Jaffacake.

The explosion also claimed the lives of a group of vacationing rap artists and members of the Iranian chapter of the Wu Tang clan – plus a herd of passing goats.

The US denial reaction followed Sunday's remarks by Iranian Parliament Speaker Ali Laryngitis who accused Washington of playing a role in the attack by invading and occupying Afghanistan, while Iran's Revolutionary Guard forces blamed Britain’s MI6, with the Persian Post news tabloid casting suspicions on 24’s Jack Bauer - and Tehran’s taxi drivers unanimously pointing the fickle finger of blame directly at Zionist stooge Wal-Mart.

"The evil Zionist-backed terrorist attack in Baluchistan was the result of covert US and Israeli military action," Speaker Laryngitis told a reporter from the Nihilists Gazette. “Just wait until our nukes are finished – then the big stick will be on the other foot and we’ll be waving the carrot.”

So, to sift through the outright lies and propaganda bullshit, and get to the truth of the matter, following a 2007 Dubya Bush White House directive to destabilize the Iranian government – at any price and by any means – there has been a wave of CIA / Mossad-funded unrest in the remote ethnic minority border areas of Iran.

Such have been manifested in the form of regular bombing campaigns being launched against weapons-grade rhubarb plantations and nuclear custard factories - plus the selective assassinations of senior staff working at these facilities – with responsibility claimed by the US terrorist group proxy –Jundullah.

The group has been blamed for a number of bombings inside Iran aimed at destabilizing the Ahmadashell regime and is also active in Pakistan – carrying out false flag op’s that are then purposely blamed on the Taliban – who were recently wrongfully fingered for involvement in attacks on Islamabad Coney Island ice cream parlours.

According to one disaffected CIA whistleblower who spoke to the Grassers Gazette on conditions of complete anonymity (Waldo ‘Lefty’ Wright - G5 / Langley) - the Jundullah group is funded and trained by the CIA and Mossad - and is being used to destabilize the legitimate sovereign government of Iran.

Regardless of blanket denials on behalf of the U.S. State Department the fact that these terrorist groups are openly financed and run by the CIA and Mossad is not up for debate and has been widely reported for years.

Agent Wright explained “That moron Dubya gave the CIA approval to launch covert ‘black’ and ‘false flag’ operations to achieve total regime change in Iran by any and all means necessary and bring Christianity to the heathen masses – and restore the monarchy by plonking the nasty old Shah’s son on the throne.”
“Hey, money’s no problem – it all comes directly from the CIA’s classified budget - their personal mega-bucks Afghan opium / heroin crop income.”

Further confirming evidence that Dubya Bush had put his cross and thumbprint on an official document endorsing CIA plans for a propaganda and disinformation campaign intended to destabilize, and eventually topple, the theocratic rule of the mullahs was reported in the Warmongers Gazette in May of 2007.

Part of that destabilization campaign involved the CIA “Giving arms-length support, supplying money and weapons, to an Iranian militant group, Jundullah, which has conducted raids into Iran from bases in Pakistan,” stated the report.

Jundullah was a Sunni Sideup al-Qaeda / Jolly Jihadi offshoot organization that was formerly headed by alleged 9/11 mastermind Mohammed al Mohammad, his younger brother Mohammed bin Mohammad and their British cousins Mohammed al Smith and Jacko Mohammed – until they won first prize in the European Lottery and bought a string of bed and breakfast boarding houses in Cyprus – handing over leadership of the terrorist group to the current serial psychopath - Abominable Nastygit.

However Jundullah is not the only anti-Iranian terror group that US government has been accused of funding in an attempt to pressure the Iranian government.

A Biblical multitude of credible individuals - US intelligence whistleblowers and military personnel not too impressed with the way the PNAC and Mossad carried out 9/11 - have asserted that the U.S. is conducting covert military operations inside Iran using guerilla groups to carry out attacks on Iranian Revolutionary Guard units and pile pressure on the Islamic regime to give up its nuclear program.

Thus, the fact that the Jundullah organisation was being directly supported by the U.S. government under both Bush - and now the Obama administration - sort of shakes the foundations of the whole legitimacy of the ‘war on terror’.
As Mossad's credo states : "By way of Deception shall we wage War".

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Church Declares Halloween ‘Demonic’

A Smegmashire Church of England magazine – the Avenging Angel - has drawn severe criticism from the laity for describing people participating in traditional Halloween celebrations as "siding with the Devil".

The Avenging Angel article also claims the children’s practice of ‘trick or treat’ is based on extortion and blackmail and encourages kids to pursue criminal careers as stockbrokers, bankers and politicians.

The article, which appeared alongside the magazine’s ‘Brimstone & Fire’ classified ‘Indulgences’ section – was penned by the local Protestant fundamentalist and Dogger’s Hill hermit Fr. Quentin Thort-Nott.
Unfortunately Father Thort-Nott was unavailable for media comment due taking his annual sabbatical at The Priory mental institute to undergo treatment for his rumoured chronic rhubarb addiction.

However, the magazine’s executive editor Rev. Jarvis Prude - the Bishop of Smegmadale - candidly ventured to one reporter from the Puritans Gazette that the sanctimonious article "certainly raised some very serious questions about 21st Century morality – especially so where demanding reward via the medium of menaces is concerned.”

The monthly publication goes out to thousands of homes in the Smegmadale Valley region as well as scores of churches and community centres.

The article targets and condemns parents who take their youngsters trick-or-treating, declaring it is a time when normal law-abiding people damage their "good neighbours" property and in some cases terrify elderly people to death with their Satanic ‘tricks’ if the required extorted ‘treat’ is not forthcoming.

Conversely - speaking on behalf of the independent ‘Church of What’s Happening Now’ - the Right Reverend Wilberforce Whippet opined to the Inquisition Weekly Review "Actually I wholly disagree with what this magazine article is focusing on. I think it is raising certain fair questions but it overstates the case.”

"My personal view is that if we are really targeting the Earthly manifest works of Old Nick we should be looking in a different direction – towards Israeli and poor Gaza perhaps to start with – and then on through Iraq to Afghanistan."

The Rev Morton Scrunt, from the Numpty Dumpty Independent Methodist Church, has however joined forces with the article’s author Fr. Quentin Thort-Nott, and further launched an online petition to stop this October’s planned event – publicly declaring to anyone daft enough to listen and pay heed “The annual Halloween carnival encourages Satanism and has brought a curse on the entire Smegmadale Valley.”

“Just look how this curse and pestilence has manifested – all the drains blocked in the High Street every time it rains - and Pukesbury’s supermarket recycling bins being targeted by arsonist yobs last weekend – plus the valley’s internet Broadband cable getting struck by lightning.”

Rev. Scrunt further sermonised “Halloween celebrations are truly the Devil’s work for they attempt to make evil look innocent by the involvement of children,” and appealed for ‘God-fearing’ families to boycott the festival, sell all their material possessions and give the money to the church in return for eternal salvation.

Regardless of the religious zealot’s warnings of ‘Hellfire and Damnation’ the planned annual Triple Six Halloween Carnival will take place as usual on the Smegmadale town green on the 30th and 31st October.

The two-day festival will be packed with barrel-loads of family fun – including magic shows, porno’ movies, demonic possessions, a black cat juggling competition and live human sacrifices - then is planned to culminate in a spectacular firework display to coincide with local broomstick merchants setting fire to the Reverend Scrunt’s Methodist Church.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Streisand Auctions Old Tat to Pay for Nose Job

Fux News channel reports that rap singer and amateur actress Barbra Streisand has been selling clothes, movie costumes, personal sex toys, autographed erotic pantywear and items of garden furniture at a Los Angeles car boot auction due moving to a new home are apparently being hotly contested in light of freshly-circulating gossip hot off the rumour mill that she’s trying to raise money for a mammoth (sic – no pun intended) nose job.

The beaky performer is flogging off items from her vast collections of designer Shylock et Cie dresses, movie costumes and other assorted old tat - in all more than 5000 lots – to raise money for Bechtel Corporation’s construction engineers to carry out cosmetic surgery on her super-shnozz.

For decades Streisand has been collecting kitsch art and furniture from car boot sales, flea markets, Pound Stretcher stores and estate auctions around the world.

The bric-a-brac and bling collection includes a pair of Bobby Fischer’s socks (ankle-length / grey), one of Bill – the Artful Draft Dodger – Clinton’s election campaign ties (stained – will probably wash), sepia photos of Robert Redford and Nick Nolte mooning the camera while sharing Streisand’s Olympic-sized Jacuzzi, and a gift from long-time admirer the Aga Khan – an assortment of exotic Astrakhan sheepskin rugs – with the sheep still in them.

Thousands of people are bidding online - over the telephone and in person - for items from her collection of celebrity rubbish that would normally go ignored and untouched if dumped at a landfill site by a member of the common working class peasantry.

A life-sized plaster cast of her whopping proboscis – crafted by Hollywood sculptor Lars Klutz in 1985 - was bought earlier today for $25 by Napa Valley zillionaire Hector van der Grunt who intends to use the sculpture’s cavernous nostrils as a kennel for his pack of Beaner Hounds

One Streisand fan Miriam Weaselberg, who attended the Los Angeles car boot sale - explained the artist's enduring appeal. "She's Barbra sweetie pie – she’s a living icon!”
"Barbie’s a microcosm of Jewish America – she’s not only got an incredibly big Ashkenazi kike nose but is renown for her philanthropy.”

“You know, without Barbra’s fund-raising charity drives and sponsorship Israel would have gone tits up years ago and then all those nasty smelly Palestinians would be running things again around Jerusalem and Tel Aviv and our poor people would end up marginalised and stuck in some dirty little ghetto - like Gaza.”

In a candid interview with the Los Angeles Shitraker Streisand revealed she got over bitchy comments and references to her having the snout of an aardvark and eyes like pissholes in the snow years ago. “Really, being tagged as Old Trunky and toucan-features doesn’t bother me.”

However, the real reason for the nose job, she confided, was not due being self-conscious of it but just that recently she keeps bumping into things and it gets in the way of seeing where she’s going while driving.

That statement aside, the star became visibly embarrassed and declined to give credence to a news report that one recent ‘medical’ problem for which she was hospitalised for two days at the Mount Belsen Medical Centre was to undergo surgery for the removal of a magpie’s nest from up her right nostril.

The remaining proceeds from the car boot auction of her stacks of memorabilia, gewgaws and doodads – after her cosmetic surgery bill from Bechtel’s is settled - will benefit the Streisand Foundation, a charity that promotes humanitarian causes such as maintaining Israel’s absolute and dominant military superiority across the Middle East. and remaining the sole nuclear power in the region.

Kid’s Balloon Stunt Mobilises US

A six-year-old boy thought to have been carried away by a helium-filled weather balloon in Colorado was in fact hiding in the kitchen fridge – behind the remains of last Thanksgiving’s Day turkey, a Dorksborough County deputy informed Fux News.

Dorksborough Sheriff Billy Bob Moronsky later advised media reporters that apparently the youngster – Roland de Ratte - had been there the whole time.
“The little twat was jest sat there in the fridge nibblin’ away on left-over turkey giblets and cranberry dip while my boys were out there sweatin’ their goddam asses off searchin’ fer the prick right across the Rockies.”

Police officials, National Guardsmen, Homeland Insecurity, the FBI, the CIA and the entire Girl Guides Association of the Americas had been searching for the boy after his brother Norm claimed Roland had taken off with the balloon as he wanted to see the International Space Station ‘from real close up’.

The drama was played out on TV, with US networks devoting their entire airtime to live footage of the balloon drifting across Colorado – in a reminiscent replay of the 1994 “Let’s all follow O J Simpson” low-speed car chase television spectacular.

Roland’s father, Norm Senior, admitted to the media he had bawled the boy out earlier that day for climbing into the weather balloon’s gondola basket and fiddling with the release mechanism and inflation valves.

“I wuz sat on the bog readin’ a copy of Popular Balloonin’ and takin’ my weekly dump when Norm Junior comes bangin’ on the crapper door shoutin’ ‘Hey Dad – Rolly’s jest took off fer the Moon!’ – so I runs outa the door – pants an’ skiddies round me ankles an’ me new effin’ balloon’s a coupla thousand feet up and driftin’ off towards Denver.”

The silver balloon, apparently constructed by Norm’ Senior from scrap TV antennas, pig’s bladders and industrial strength condoms, reportedly reached a height of 7,000 feet before being shot down by a NORAD ground-to-air missile as it breached Denver International Airport air space.

The balloon crash landed in fields after its two-hour flight and was immediately surrounded by Slackwater / Xe mercenaries who reported the scorched and charred gondola was empty – which led to a further search of the de Ratte household.

A smirking Rolly – discovered sat in the fridge - told the media he was fascinated by the new cartoon movie ‘Up’ - and he had pulled the stunt as he wanted a spot of ‘payback’ after his father had gone ballistic and bawled him out for fiddling with the balloon controls.

According to neighbourhood gossip Rolly has now been grounded - quite literally – until his 18th birthday.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Horny Goat Weed Sex Romp Homicide Attempt

A Smegmadale-on-Sea woman lured her 94-year old husband into the dark, deep woods with promises of a wild, drug-fuelled sex romp then slit his throat and left him for dead so she could rendezvous with a cyber-lover she had met on Facebook, according to prosecution evidence presented at Smegmashire Crown Court today.

Nymphella Sodomberg, 19, gave husband Wilf - and herself - mega-doses of the natural aphrodisiac known variously as Horny Goat Weed or Rowdy Lamb Grass, before he was blindfolded and led into the nearby Wankers Wood.

The pair reportedly romped and "rolled about on the crisp autumn leaves and through stands of thistles and nettles" as part of a "playful BD/SM game" to act out a sexual fantasy of Nymphella's – or so Mr Sodomberg believed.

Nymphella then straddled her husband and slit his throat with a spud peeler while shagging the living daylights out of him, leaving a 12 cm wound, before plunging it into his neck and chest several times to enhance his – and her own - orgasmic sexperiences and pleasures.

She then abandoned him after being disturbed by a voyeur would-be dogger shouting “Hey, wot the fuck are yer up to?” and drove to the nearby Smegmadale Railway Station to meet radical anarchist Phil McCavity, a man she had met on the internet’s Facebook social networking site who claimed to be an international assassin for the Wu Tang clan.

The voyeur who disturbed Nymphella’s homicidal sex romp was actually an off-duty bisexual Police Community Support Officer who discovered Wilf’s plight and ‘comforted him’ until emergency services arrived on the scene.

Police arrested Nymphella later that night at the couple's home at Smegmadale Sands, where they discovered she had staked her Facebook swain, the dubious Mr. McCavity, out in true submissive bondage fashion on the back garden lawn and was giving him ‘the business’ doggy style with a strapon dildo after discovering he was a closet transvestite.

A police forensics specialist told Fux News “This Horny Goat Weed really is deadly stuff – even worse than Spanish Fly – it works with equal potency on both sexes and the effects last for hours. Forget that Viagra crap – this gear’s the biscuit.”

Mrs. Sodomberg was later charged with aggravated rape, attempted murder, and grievous bodily harm – then remanded in custody - after treating the arresting officers to an all-round cluster fuck of Biblical proportions.

Tube Train Customer Service Sucks

A London Underground tube train worker has been suspended after a carriage mounted CCTV recording of him yelling at an elderly passenger and calling him a "jumped up wrinkly old git" emerged following a string of complaints by an excess of 200 commuters.

The incident was further captured by several other passengers on their mobile phones and digital video cameras showing the 96-year old disabled pensioner, Arthur Scrunt, involved in a heated conversation with a Transport for London ‘steward’ – later identified as Jasper MacTwatte – from the Renta-Thug Security Agency.

The power-mad MacTwatte apparently went into a total frenzied shouting and spitting mode – poking the terrified Mr Scrunt in the chest with his finger and calling him a ‘jumped up little git’ and an ‘effin’ pansy’ before apparently threatening to ‘sling him under the train’ for making a complaint.

Fellow passenger Ms. Chlamydia Muffitch QC, a pro bono attorney for Amnesty International and other human rights and wrongs groups, told Pox News “The elderly disabled man – Mr. Scrunt - had got his leg stuck in the door of the train when it closed prematurely as he was boarding – hence he fell to the floor and howled for help.”
“This so-called TfL steward - Jasper MacTwatte - comes along and drags the old gentleman upright and starts to berate him for getting his foot caught and holding up the train’s departure.”

“Honestly, where does Transport for London get these people from – Bullies-R-Us or a mental institution for psychopaths? They are definitely not hired for their customer service relations skills.”

Ms. Muffitch said when Mr Scrunt attempted to explain how his leg came to be trapped and why he fell MacTwatte started shouting at him, threatening “Listen yer stupid old cunt, if yer try ter make a complaint I’ll sling yer under the effin’ train – so shut the fuck up – or else yer for it.”
“I’m not holdin’ this train up just cos yer got yer stupid leg stuck cos yer an effin’ cripple.”

Apparently the TfL steward then turned to face the other passengers and realised he was being photographed, filmed and recorded and attempted to dismiss the incident with “Disabled people do this on purpose an’ make an effin’ big fuss just so they can file personal injury claims against us.”

Ms Muffitch concluded with the comment she thought the incident was particularly bad timing, coming the day after Mayor of London Bonkers Boris Nonsense announced fare increases on the Underground to cover the costs of their all-new and improved excellent commuter services.

For the benefit of non-Brit's the London Underground is neither an anarchist or terrorist organisation, nor a counter-revolutionary movement.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

UK Freedom of Speech Suspended

A leading UK gutter press tabloid, the Daily Shitraker, has been barred from reporting parliamentary proceedings on legal grounds which appear to call into question privileges guaranteeing free speech established under the centuries-old 1688 Bill of Rights.

Yesterday's House of Conmans order papers contained a question to be answered by a minister later this week.
However the Daily Shitraker is now prevented from identifying the MP who has asked the question, what the question was, which minister might answer it, or where the question is to be found in the Hansard record.

The Shitraker is further forbidden from telling its readers why the paper is prevented – for the first time since the signing of Magna Carta – from reporting Parliament.
Legal obstacles, which cannot be identified, involve secret proceedings, which cannot be mentioned, on behalf of an unknown client who has threatened to sue the living shit out of anyone who mentions their name.

The only fact the crusading Shitraker can report is that the case involves the London solicitors Carter-Fukk who specialise in suing the media for their dodgy clients, which include career embezzlers, war criminals, Third World dictators and despots, terrorist group financiers, celebrity kiddie fiddlers and global corporate felons – not to mention ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTERS.

The right to report the goings-on and daily business of Parliament was the subject of many struggles in the 18th Century, with the MP and journalist John Wilkes fighting every authority – up to the King – over the right to keep the public informed.
After Wilkes's successful battle the historian Robert Hargreaves wrote "It was now established de facto and accepted that the public had a constitutional right to know what their elected representatives were up to".

Thus certain critics and conspiracy theorists – in light of the recent MP’s expenses scandal and the efforts of various ‘duck island’ claimant type offenders to prevent the publication of proof of their personal indexes of embezzlement and swindling the public purse – are working overtime turning the gears of the rumour mill and producing tittle-tattle, canards, scurrilous gossip and gross slander of the finest political quality.

The Daily Shitraker has vowed to go to court to overturn the gag on its reporting with media lawyer Gerald Snivellington-Snide QC quoting Attorney General Lord Mongoose’s ruling in the 1970s that "whatever comments are made in the House of Conmans can be reported in newspapers without fear of contempt”.

The Shitraker’s editor Armitage Shanks told Pox News "The media laws in this country increasingly place newspapers in a Kafkaesque situation in which we cannot tell the public anything about the crimes committed by our own elected Prime Minister such as Tony Bliar illegally declaring war on Afghanistan and Iraq, then having David Kelly murdered to keep the truth from coming out.”

One rumour that was the odds-on favourite with national High Street bookiesShit-or-Bust yesterday focused on the fact of Carter-Fuck being involved in the gagging order then they must – once again - be representing the great celebrity goat-bonking Saudi litigant known around Fleet Street pubs as Sheikh Well Before Using who sued everyone and their dog who even mentioned he was an Arab since he secured Irish citizenship with several high profile investment ‘facilitation fees’ (bribes).

Alas this proved to be a case of flogging a dead donkey when it was pointed out that the camel jockey in question Sheikh Khalid Bin Muffouz – a number one al Qaeda financier – actually popped his clogs last August.

So the Daily Shitraker was stifled in it’s attempts to report the truth – or were they? – as the global scope of the internet’s social media swiftly produced a most interesting reaction to this gagging brouhaha.

The Shitraker may have been prevented from naming the client - although it was allowed make reference to the involvement of media libel specialists Carter-Fuck, which led networking sites such as Twatter, and others – to come up with cybernet postings referencing the case and naming a certain Trafigura - the Dutch-registered company with an office in London which last month announced that it would pay out zillions of pounds without any admission of liability over their dumping toxic waste right along the beaches of the Ivory Coast since 2006 and making the place a bigger shithole than it was to start with.

To wit Carter-Fuck have now backed down firing writs at everyone old enough to read - with a Parliamentary spokesman announcing that the House of Conmans question from Wentworth Gibletts - MP for Old Scrotum – subjected to the reporting ban - was related to the Trafigura toxic waste scandal and whom asked the Secretary of State for Justice, what assessment he has made of the effectiveness of legislation to protect (a) whistleblowers and (b) press freedom following the injunctions obtained in the High Court by Trafigura and Carter-Fuck solicitors on 11 September 2009 on the publication of the Minton report on the alleged dumping of toxic waste in the Ivory Coast, commissioned by Swiss-owned international polluters and environmental hooligans Trafigura.

Friday, 16 October 2009

Tomcat Registered as Hypnotherapist

While the age-old adage of “Even a cat can look at a King” might now be clichéd and threadbare the regulation of Nation Health Service medical staff – specifically qualified hypnotherapists - in the UK is so slipshod that even a cat can become accredited, according to a report in last weekend’s Daily Shitraker magazine supplement.

Turbo Tatswiller, an investigative journalist for the gutter press news tabloid, and an amateur pub magician and mesmerist himself, registered his pet ginger minger tomcat Tiddles with the NHS-registered British Hypnotherapy Practitioner Association (BHPA) on the dubious strength of dodgy qualifications from the Cracow-based ‘Polish Medical Board for Neuro-Linguistic Programming’ and the ‘Nigerian Institute of Advanced 419 Hypnotics’.

The BHPA accepted the spurious certificates from the two overseas institutes as proof of Tiddle's credentials – even though the Polish qualification was printed on the back of a Greedy Grocer supermarket Corn Flakes packet.

Dr. Candida Dorkberg, the chief accrediting officer for the BHPA and herself a practicing clinical psychotherapist at the Smegmadale Lunatic Asylum, told a reporter from the Charlatan’s Gazette “Seriously, I was simply fascinated by Tiddle’s credentials and certificates and especially his PhD thesis work with experimental mesmerism on field mice and Syrian gerbils.”

After the British Hypnotherapy Practitioner Association gross faux pas was recently revealed in the Shitraker’s supplement they filed a High Court lawsuit against the news tabloid and Tatswiller to sue on the grounds of deception.

Tatswiller told the court "In light of the recent scandals involving immigrants coming to the UK and getting jobs in hospitals with nary a clue what they’re doing, I felt I'd test my hypothesis that the British NHS will accredit anybody with a bit of paper – probably forged and printed out from Microslop Publisher – that states they’re qualified as a ‘medical whatever’ – from nurse to neurosurgeon to cardiac specialist to mortician.”

“So I did that by getting my pet tomcat Tiddles certified by a couple of the most prominent online hypnotherapy institutions in Europe and Africa for a moderate fee – the main source of the NHS’s dodgy medical staffers – and the BHPA accepted the cat’s credentials without question.”

Dr. Tiddles (BHPA) is available for consultations at his London-based Harley Street surgery from Monday to Friday - 10:00 am until 5:00pm - and can be contacted for next day appointments via e-mail at

Stop press: Tiddles appears briefly in a cameo role in the new George Clooney hypno-psychic thriller action movie “Men Who Stare at Goats” - due for release in January - in which he attacks a Jolly Jihadi terrorist cell's computer mouse.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Recycling Rules! : Bin Bureaucracy

UK householders could be fined millions of pounds and face up to five years in one of Her Majesty’s overcrowded ‘sodomite paradise’ prisons if they throw food scraps and potato peelings into their wheelie bins under the EU’s draconic new 'zero waste' policy.

Residents will be henceforth forced to sift through their rubbish for anything that can be recycled, reused, rotted, burnt for electricity, given to Oxfam, sold at a car boot or advertised on eBay.
The crackdown will create so much recycleable material that homes could be given even more of the ubiquitous multi-coloured wheelie bins and waste boxes to put the assortment of shit and garbage into.

The controversial zero waste policy - part of the EU Federation’s totalitarian drive to cut greenhouse gas emissions (but not jobsworth bureaucracy) and save the polar bears - will be unveiled tomorrow by the Minister for Old Tat - Mr Hillary Binn.

The plans are due to be outlined at a 'Waste Summit' to be convened in Katmandu in the Himalayas this November and aimed at finding new ways to halve the 62 zillion tons of rubbish dispatched to landfill sites across the UK each year.

The EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money will discuss the issue with the Dalai Lama, then councils, businesses and waste experts from the pikey scavenger ‘off-the-books’ community.

Yesterday, Mr Binn said the Government would launch a programme early next year banning food, unexploded bombs, cans, dead cats, nuclear waste, paper, glass, U2 CD’s and posters of Bono from landfill sites.

Homes that persistently break the rules by putting food waste in the ordinary wheelie bin could face heavy fines and community service orders- and eventually prison sentences for repeat offenders - such as Alzheimer's-stricken pensioners.

“One thing we will start around the turn of the year is banning certain things from going into landfill sites” Binn told an interviewer from the Bureaucratic Bullshit Gazette.

“I mean, does it make sense to put good food into wheelie bins and then onto landfill sites when some poor bugger’s starving in Ethiopia or Darfur? No it doesn't – so they can parcel the left-overs up and send it off to feed some famished darkie or whatever – and the same’s going to apply to the Chew and Spew fast food outlets and Dodgy Dorothy’s Poxy Pizza Huts also with their left-over stodge.”

Getting carried away by the sound of his own voice and suffering a bout of verbal diarrhoea, Minister Binn further proclaimed “I think we should go back to having every household keep a couple of pigs who can eat the waste food and garden cuttings – then all we have to get rid of is the pigshit – and that can be used for garden compost or generating electricity.”

This latter idea of Mister Binn’s falls under his plan to generate electricity from household waste. Rotting food – and ripe pigshit - release methane - a potent greenhouse gas which can be burnt to create electricity. All the back-yard power station needs is a gas engine, AC generator and power poles and cables to connect it to the national grid – all available at B & Q – with a guaranteed government subsidy.

Earlier this year, the Daily Shitraker highlighted how the rise of wheelie bins is blighting British streets and homes and fuelling arson attacks from pyromaniac yobs after they’ve been on their 12 pints nightly bender of Old Headbanger or Bitch Thumper lager.

Regardless of this budding conflagration risk, under Mr. Binn’s plans all UK householders will be lumbered with a standard black wheelie bin for ‘ordinary’ (sic) waste, a green bin for garden waste, a red bin for vegetable peelings, a blue bin for cardboard, *** a purple bin for deceased pets, a yellow bin for used condoms, tampons, kotex, panty liners and undissolved pessaries - and a pink box for 12 types of recycleable items such as worn-out sex toys, leather bondage equipment, defunct TV remotes, stolen cellphones and coathangers.

An extra ‘brown’ bin will be needed for kitchen slops and piggy wiggy shite to generate renewable energy from methane in the compulsary back garden power station.

*** As of 01/01/2010 it will be a criminal offence to flush dead – or live – household pets such as goldfish, hamsters, gerbils and budgeriegars down the toilet.

Do you think this is the EU’s most stupid idea since their last stupid idea? Do you think Pigshit Power will put E-on or British Gas out of business? How many more bins do you think you can use? Would you like to own the bin that Rin-Tin-Tin shit in? Does anyone remember the iconic Rag and Bone Man? – Steptoe and Son had the recycling thing done and dusted while the EU was more at scent than substance.

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win your very own landfill site, a designer pigsty and a methane-friendly Chinese generator plant.

Allergy warning : this article was written in a nut-infested environment and may contain traces of recycled lunacy.

Dungeon Time for Disability Dragon

A man who claimed disability benefits while regularly going to the gym and appearing as a potential zillionaire investor on the BBC’s Dragon’s Den programme has been jailed for 18 months and ordered to repay £20 million in benefit claims.

Zacharias Scrunt, 46, of Scumford Mansions at Smegmadale-on-Sea, claimed more than £22,000,000 over a nineteen-year period.
He told officials he had a bad back condition known as ‘Matressitis’ and he could hardly walk after slipping on the Jobcentre stairs.

Smegmadale Crown Court heard how Scrunt began claiming disability allowance in October 1989 – and continued for almost twenty years until adroitly spotted by Jack the Grass - a sharp-eyed Benefits Agency snitch - when he appeared as an investor on Dragon’s Den.

Following the tip-off from Mr Grass investigators began a month-long surveillance operation during which they saw no visible signs of Scrunt's alleged disability – apart from when he visited the Benefits Agency office on crutches.
Agents from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) filmed him jogging along the Smegmadale beach front and also break dancing in an adults-only swingers’ nightclub.

During this time he was repeatedly seen carrying large attaché cases full of laundered cash to deposit in his bank and riding his mountain bike up and down ‘mountains’.
Witnesses also told the DWP that Scrunt had been lifting weights and using body building equipment at the elite members-only Disability Benefit Cheats Gym – and was apparently on their Le Parkour free-running team.

Mrs. Rita Scrunt, the accused’s mother, told a reporter from the Scroungers Gazette “Little Zaccy really did hurt his back when he went arse over tit down the Jobcentre stairs that time an’ they started payin’ him all this sickness benefit money an’ he was laid up on the sofa watchin’ telly all day cos he couldn’t walk so he got his head into all these bankin’ programmes an’ he invested it in the stock market an’ other good shit like that an’ ends up makin’ effin’ millions.”

“Anyway some Greek bloke called Theo Fuckinopolis at our yacht club asks him if he wants ter go on Dragon’s Den wiv him an’ invest in some shit-fer-brains punter’s scheme – so Zaccy sez ‘okay’ - just fer a laugh.”
“Next thing some twat recognises him on there an’ grasses him up an’ he gets collared by the DWP’s Gestapo blokes.”
“It’s all bollocks really – but Zaccy got his fifteen minutes of fame like Andy Warhol promised – now he’s in the nick.”

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

EU Bans Pets from Parks

In what community critics across the UK are calling the most stupid idea to be thought up since the last stupid idea was thought up, borough councils in England and Wales have used their draconic new EU powers to ban dogs from parks, open spaces and beaches, often without owners being aware of the restrictions.

In many council-run areas dominated by their Gestapo-style Civil Enforcement Bullies (formerly Traffic Wardens) from the Renta-Thug PFI agency owners are also being made to keep dogs on leads.

Fines for breaching the law vary from £25 to £80, but if a council decides to bring one of their regular spiteful prosecutions against some hapless old age pensioner in a magistrates’ court to make a community pariah example of them, the penalty rises to a maximum of £1,000.

The Smegmadale-based National Kennel Club has been inundated with complaints, and raised concerns with ministers and opposition parties over where their dogs are expected to take daily exercise and have a crap.

Fellattia Sodomberg, senior ‘cack-bagging’ officer for the club, said that the problem arose from powers in the EU’s new Clean Neighbourhood and Environment Act which is a first attempt to push a ban on all types of household pets – from exotics like Komodo dragons and pygmy whire rhino’s to the basic and ubiquitous dogs and cats – then ranging down to budgies and hamsters – and evertually Koi carp and Wu Tang clan goldfish as climate change enforces water rationing.

The numb-witted architect of the EU’s ‘Clean Neighbourhood and Environment Act’ – the Brussels-based Minister for Wasting Time and Money – Pierre de Twatte – told a reporter from the Morons Weekly Review “Now the Irish have ratified the Treaty of Lisbon we are free to go ahead and put our fascist Big Brother Federation plans into action.”

“I am fed up with treading in piles of doggy poo every time I take my lunchtime stroll in the Abbaye de La Cambre park and my secretary, Miss Kafka, is getting very fed up with having to clean shit off my shoes and the office carpets when I return.”
“Thus we shall ban all these nasty dogs from our parks right across Europe.”

One intrepid Fux News reporter questioned Monsieur de Twatte on the existing policy of dog owners having to ‘bag’ their canine’s digestive data when they ‘downloaded’ in the park – to which he responded “This ruling did not work so we consulted our chief EU veterinarian about having dog owners give their animals an enema before they left home to give Fido a run in the park.”
“Unfortunately his opinion was one of “No way I’m sticking an effing hose pipe up a Wolfhound’s arse.”

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Jukebox Politician Bribed by Ukraine Oligarch

Tony Bliar, the firm favourite of his brown-nosing lackeys and stooges to become Europe’s first president now the numpty Irish have ratified the dodgy Treaty of Lisbon, is once again mired in scandal and stands accused of accepting millions of pounds in bribes from a Russian rhubarb zillionaire campaigning for the Banana Republic of the Ukraine to join the European Union.

Yuri Mobsaroubles - the crooked ex-KGB oligarch who got rich by marrying the former President's daughter and cornering control of the country’s high grade custard mines - is championing the country’s bid for EU membership for his own venal ends, has already hired Rupert Throt-Nott, the former Labour Minister for Corruption, to press his case around Europe.

He reportedly paid ex-Labour PM and Anti-Christ Tony Bliar a wheelbarrow full of tax-free dollar bills into his numbered Swiss bank account to give a keynote speech in the Ukrainian capital of Kiev recently and pull a few influence peddling stunts around Brussels with his dodgy deviant mate Lord Peter Scandalson.

Ukrainian diplomats are preparing to launch a membership bid as early as next year and consider Bliar a key ally that can give their petition a right regal nod if he’s appointed to the EU Presidency.
Mobsaroubles informed a reporter from the Graft & Corruption Review “Bliar’s an ideal choice – him and his money-grasping wife are so slimey and dishonest – he’ll do anything for a few quid – apart from tell the truth.”

Several European countries support closer economic ties with Ukraine but have not directly backed a bid. Some, including Germany, are concerned that if the Ukraine is permitted to join the EU then they will flood Europe with cheap rhubarb – and custard - products from Mobsarouble’s zillion hectare fields of the crop and adversely affect the Federation’s base rhubarb price – bankrupting German farmers in the process.

Bliar’s commercial activities and links to key business figures such as the dodgy Mobsaroubles will come under severe scrutiny and criticism in any campaign he and his cronys launch to secure him the EU presidency.

The details of the role and contract of employment for the presidency are expected to be discussed by Gordon ‘Cyclops’ Brown and other EU leaders this month – with certain wits already joking that persons with war crimes charges hanging over their heads should be automatically verboten from assuming candidacy.

Mobsaroubles founded and bankrolled the Yuri's Ukraine Korporation (YUK) campaign for Ukraine to join the EU so he could dominate the entire European rhubarb and custard markets.
The former Labour Minister for Corruption - Rupert Throt-Nott – has now been appointed chairman of the YUK board of directors along with celebrity inventors Wallace and Gromit.

Blair attended the annual YUK board meeting in the Ukrainian city of Yalta in 2008, giving the main speech – for which he was reportedly rewarded with five million quidsworth of Monbsaroubles ‘Russ-Barb Korporation’ shares.

Bliar also attended an event sponsored by the influence-buying Mobsaroubles at the Davos summit in Switzerland earlier this year, along with Microslop boss Billy Bob Gates, Sir Richard Branson Pickle and the priapic Artful Draft Dodger himself - Bill Clinton – there representing the Arkansas Mena Mafia.

Bliar’s claims that he was not paid to attend this event drew rounds of raucous laughter from news hacks who commented that if he didn’t get paid he wouldn’t have shown up.

Jarvic Scrunt, financial corespondent for the Insolvency Gazette, opined “Tony’s not such a bad bloke for a jukebox politician – you stick a few coins in and he plays any tune you like.”
“Just remember not to believe anything he says and check your fingers are all still there if you’re unfortunate enough to shake hands with him.”

Rumours that Tibet is also pushing a bid to break away from big bully boy neighbour – the People Communist Utopia of China – and join the EU remain – as of going to press – unsubstantiated.