Supreme Porridge Wog Gordon ‘Stalin’ Brown has given New Labour’s Soviet commissars the go-ahead to introduce full body scanners at Britain's ‘scareports’ - with scareport operator BAA announcing it would install the machines "as soon as is practical" (read “once some twat coughs up the cash and pays for them”) at Heathrow.
Self-acclaimed experts (sic) told the media that it was about time that whingeing cattle class British travellers were subjected to mega-doses of high intensity lethal radiation - but did actually have the nuance to question the scanners' effectiveness at detecting the type of ‘Dirty Knickers’ bomb allegedly used on Christmas Day in an abortive airborne terrorist attack on a Northwest Scarelines plane over Detroit in which a hapless Nigerian patsy managed to set fire to his pubes.
Currently, not everyone has to pass through full body scanners already installed at some major airports overseas - particularly if they've previously been sterilized or are in transit from a country that doesn’t play host to false flag terrorist types.
This is due to concerns about cost and time delays convincing travellers it would be quicker to actually walk or go on the bus next time around due all the shagging about in the name of intrusive Big Brother security checks.
Full body scanners produce "naked" images of passengers and remove the need for "pat down" searches - which will further please female travellers fed up with getting groped by dodgy security perverts of both the male and androgynous female variety.
However the full body scans have primarily raised concerns about privacy, with campaigners claiming they are tantamount to a "strip search" that could well attract deviant paedophile type operators intent on a spot of virtual reality kiddie fiddling when they scan children.
One machine was recently trialled at Smegmadale International Airport until scanned passengers complained of unsightly radiation burns, hair loss, fingernails dropping out, bleeding from bodily orifices and cancerous skin tumours erupting while they waited to board in the departure lounge.
Dr. Fuk Yew Tu, the official PR spokesman for the body scanner’s manufacturer in mainland China – ‘Dr. Chang’s Lucky X-Ray Sterilization Equipment’ - based in Beijing - informed Pox News these problems arose simply due the machine being set to scan through brick walls and concrete for customs and excise purposes, and needed the penetration intensity turning down to a ‘human’ guinea pig level setting.
Rumours that the company’s main products are high intensity X-ray units for the forced sterilisation of convicted criminals and political prisoners - and other classes of useless eaters unfortunate enough to be born in the basket case People’s Utopian Marxist Republic of China – are reported to be unfounded and total hyperbole.
Speaking on BBC One's Andrew ‘Bat-Ears Marr’ show, Slime Minister Broon announced the government would do everything in its power to tighten security and prevent a repeat of the US attack on Xmas Day when a Nigerian suicide commando belonging to al Queada’s Patsy Martyr’s Brigade was overpowered by airline passengers as he attempted to detonate an Iranian-manufactured sub-nuclear Crotch Bomb.
Broon pledged to the British public “We shall never allow Islamic terrorists to reduce our sceptred isle to ruins – that’s New Labour’s job.”
Security experts however concede that there is no way the new full body scan units – which are basically modified X-ray machines being utilised for passenger / suspect surveillance - can detect if males- or females – have high explosive / nuclear suppositories, pessaries or tampons inserted into their bodily orifices – or if there’s a buttplug-shaped charge of Semtex or C4 stuffed up a wannabe terrorist’s arsehole.
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