Animal, Vegetable or Mineral?

Many children between the ages of six and sixteen cannot identify the origins of the everyday foods they eat, according to the shocking results of a recent survey funded by the EUSSR’s Brussels-based Ministry for Wasting Time & Money.

In a survey of 1,000 pupils at Smegmadale-on-Sea’s Asbo Central High School less than one in ten kids knew that beef burgers came from cows – along with milk - but unfortunately believed that butter and cheese were made by butterflies.

Most children, however, were able to correctly identify several vegetables and fruits but became confused on the relationship between the stalwart potato and a plate of chips.
Cucumbers were confused with dildos, strawberries with excised cancerous tumours, kiwi fruit with horse manure, black grapes with haemorrhoids, and pumpkins were identified as ‘Halloween’ plants.

The survey was used to determine children's level of awareness and knowledge of vegetables, dairy products and meat produce and to see if they possessed the basic modicum of intelligence required to work out how they are sourced.

Among the more bizarre responses from pupils were those who believed cardboard, plastic or sawdust were the main ingredient of crisps. Two-thirds correctly identified they were made from plastic.
One bright spark – presented with a wedge of Blue Stilton – took a sniff and accurately pronounced it was made from old socks.

However, a large percentage were flummoxed as to the sources of bacon, chicken drumsticks, yoghourt, ketchup – and even bread – and when confronted with the question “Okay, so ‘where does’ this stuff come from?” – answered in unison “The Greedy Grocer supermarket!”

Fourth grader Feryl Beryl McTwat, questioned on the source of McDonalds Chew n Spew burgers replied “Me Dad sez they taste like shit - so they must come from the sewerage farm.”

Head of Smegmadale-on-Sea Asbo Central Ms. Fellattia Gammer told one reporter from the Freegans Gazette she had kick started a ‘Dig Your Own Hole’ campaign, aimed at encouraging children to grow organic produce and increase their food knowledge.

The scheme, which is hoped to create 50 new vegetable gardens in schools across the county is to be officially sponsored by Rupert Mudrock’s Shite TV and was launched live by television gardener Charlie Dumphuck – whom the children found as interesting as watching paint dry – so beat him to death with sticks of rhubarb and buried him in his ‘Own Hole’.

Rumours are currently circulating that the Asbo Central High’s allotments have since been sealed off by police investigating which of the school’s budding agrarian enthusiasts is responsible for the burgeoning crop of California Skunk ripening in the greenhouses.