In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
In a typical knee-jerk reaction to the absolute fuck up and total loss of public confidence caused by the News Corp’ ‘Hackgate’ scandal and the fact the Met’s Plod Squad will sell anything for a few bob - no questions asked - the Libservative Coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron, has seriously suggested that foreign police chiefs from such human rights friendly nations as Saudi Arabia, China, Israel and North Korea could be recruited to help root out and end the British Freemason-dominated establishment’s culture of the institutionalised Curse of the 4 C’s: Cronyism, Collusion, Corruption, and Complacency.
Conversely, political opponents and critics alike have been quick to piss on Cabbage Patch Dave’s little bonfire, labelling his suggestion the most stupid idea he’s come up with since the last stupid idea.
New Labour leader Ed Millipede stated before the House of Conmans assembly that this was yet another moronic display of public school naivety on Scameron’s part since he hired Andy ‘Hackman’ Coulson as a gopher to go and fetch Number 10’s newspapers every morning - then had the stupidity to defend importing career criminals into Downing Street by claiming Coulson was from a good family who’d been voting Conservative for generations.
Critics aside, Scameron, exercising his democratic right to talk and act like a fool, maintains the rule that now bars police officers from abroad from being allowed to take up senior posts with the British Plod Squad could be dropped.
"At the moment the police system is too closed," he told MPs. “I want to see radical proposals for how we can open up our police force and bring in fresh leadership – perhaps that notorious Inspector Pitbull Nosdork from Poland where they had a very strict regime under General Jaruzelski – or the Rwandan police commissioner, Wormhole Jaffacake, who’s just finished serving time for genocide.”
“Let’s be perfectly honest, reflecting on this recent batch of resignations, we’ve already had our fill of bumbling Inspector Clouseau types who don’t know their arse from their elbow.”
Posh Dave then raised the prospect of former Dodge City lawman, Sheriff Billy Bob Redneck, leading the British force from Sir Paul Stephenson’s now-vacated position – a suggestion critics derided as a gung-ho, lolly-sucking Kojak being brought in to root out police corruption.
Another of the Tory’s possible recruits is Baron Ja’akoff Rothshite’s recommendation of Sheldon Scattstein, the Israeli police commissioner who stamped out protests by marginalised and disaffected Palestinian refugees when he arrested any and all who whinged or complained - and imprisoned the lot behind the Great Apartheid Wall surrounding the Gaza Strip.
Scameron’s asinine ‘grasping at straws’ comments were made as public confidence in the police’s contrived failure to investigate the joint News International Hackgate and Scotland Yard bribery allegations with any degree of marked efficiency fell to the lowest ebb since the Met’s SO19 Armed Response Unit mistook a Brazilian electrician for a Paki Muslim terrorist in 2005, and shot him in the head ten times on Stockwell Tube station.
However, Bazzer McScrote of the government abuse watchdog Ox-Rat stated “The Plod Squad an’ politicians alike are all too effin’ close to the UK’s media organisations an' have a bad habit of selling confidential information to journalists for thirty pieces of silver.”
“I mean, Scameron’s a bloke now stricken with severe credibility issues when one takes a butcher’s at his own personal protection police team, since they’ve now been fingered for booking overtime while sat on their arses at home or down the local pub. It’s all a pile of old bollocks – Scameron’s real political constituency isn’t Shitney in Poxfordshire, but the Fortune 500 company index.”
“Really, Tel Aviv and the Rothshite mafia have his cellphone number on speed dial. The man’s so bent that if he dropped down dead you wouldn’t have to dig a grave to bury him, but just wind him into the ground like a corkscrew.”
Speaking at a Chamber of Commerce dinner in the City, Scameron posed the question: “Why shouldn't someone with a different skill-set – like an executive from Jarvis Junk Rail or RattleTrack, or one of the big Pharmageddon drug corporations be able to join the police force in a senior role?"
"Why shouldn't someone, who has been a proven success overseas – such as Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, Bahrain’s police chief, who stamped out that silly pro-democracy Arab Spring protest thingy, or Mr Berlusconi’s pal, the celebrated Italian sleuth - Chief Inspector Guido Corruptioni - from the Mafiosa-infested island of Sicily - be able to help turn around our police force here?”
In reality, such changes would require the passing of fresh legislation as it is currently illegal for police officers to be overseas citizens. The Home Office states they must be UK born, European Economic Area nationals or have indefinite leave to remain in the UK – such as Somali refugees and swan-roasting Albanian pikeys do. Regardless, the office of Met Commissioner is restricted to British Freemasons of the 30th degree rank and over.
However, the initial reaction to Scameron's idea of opening up police recruitment was one of caution on all fronts.
Genghis Fuctifino, vice-chairman of the Police Federation of England and Wales, informed reporters “For fuck’s sake, I’ve seen better organised riots. Before we even get properly started with this bribery inquiry we’ve got a kneejerk reaction from Posh Dave. Now this gives us real concerns about direct entry to the police service at top rank level as in order to understand and appreciate the importance of policing by consent and the style of operational policing in this country, everyone should start at the rank of constable – and be able to speak English.”
"We also have an entirely different legal system in this country to those used overseas and it’s imperative for senior officers and leaders in policing to have at the very least a bit of a working knowledge of it. I mean to say, if they bring in some barbarian like that Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the top cop from Bahrain as they’ve suggested and he’s been brought up on a strict diet of Sharia Law and torture, then we’re going to see mobile patrol squads tasked with issuing on-the-spot penalties of fifty lashes - or a hand chopped off - for such offences as double parking or shoplifting from Poundland – then our 'progressive society' community service orders and Asbo’s will be out of the window."
Greater Manchester's Chief Constable and Association of Chief Police Officers spokesman, Ron Skanger, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that it wasn't realistic to imagine someone without necessary skills and training could take responsibility for life or death situations.
"Just as we wouldn’t expect a medical student to act as a brain surgeon, it’s an insult to the public to have people on 'work experience' assignments while in charge of high-risk situations – such as the snafu that occurred when someone screwed up big time and made Cressida Knobhead Gold Commander, running ‘Operation Fubar’ in 2005 and her team of trigger-happy morons from SO19 ended up snuffing Brazilian electricians on Stockwell Tube station.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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