Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A 16-year old mother of four from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, who admitted ripping her boyfriend's scrotum apart with her teeth during a drunken sex romp has copped for a suspended jail term.
Candida ‘Gnashers’ McSkanger, attacked Ron Hopeless at his Scumshawe flat on St Valetine’s Day last February 14th following a binge drinking session in one of the area’s ubiquitous Troublespot Taverns chain pubs – with the 25-year-old unemployed skate board mechanic requiring nineteen stitches to repair the wounds to his lacerated nut sack – now sans the left bollock.
Sir Dinsdale Fuctifino, the Recorder at Manchester Crown Court, handed down a 12 month suspended sentence and further penalised McSkanger with 150 hours of unpaid community service work - plus imposed a restraining order banning her from performing fellatio on other males of the human species while wearing her dentures – and ordered to sign the Sex Offenders Register.
McSkanger, who pleaded guilty to causing grievous bodily harm, spoke to a gaggle of gutter press hacks outside the court, revealing “Me Mum had the kids fer the night so we woz out on the lash wiv Ronnie’s benefits giro an’ got pissed as newts down the Fightin’ Dog an’ Pikey alehouse on Meths Breezers an’ Old Headbanger lager.”
“So we staggers back ter Ronnie’s flat after a stop at the chippy an’ he gets all horny an’ shit an’ wants ter rub some hair off me snatch an’ play 69 – wot’s the pits really cos the tosser always goes ter sleep when he’s bin on the booze an’ supposed ter me givin’ me a good muffin’ – an’ that woz all I needed after a gut-full of lager - a gobfull of his effin’ jism.”
“So when he comes like that in me mouth wivout any warnin’ an’ I pukes it out on the carpet, Ronnie sez “No very ladylike, spittin’ when yer should be swallowin” – an’ that’s when I totally lost it an’ went ballistic an’ sank me effin’ teeth inter his ball bag – but fer the fuck of me I can’t remember swallowin’ one of his nuts.”
“Well, the masochistic little ponce’s always sayin’ “Hurt me, hurt me!” – so I effin’ did – an’ as far as I’m concerned the court’s sentence is a load of old bollocks, if yer’ll excuse the pun.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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