Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Aspiring pastry chefs and an assortment of cooks from around the planet have been arriving in Cornwall faster than the customary foul batches of Channel-swimming illegal immigrants – to take part in this stellar first World Pasty Championship.
The event, at the bankrupt Eden Debtocracy Project, close to St Austell, is celebrating the popular local delicacy, which was given Heritage protected status under EUSSR law in 2011.
The iconic pasty has been associated with tin miners in the county and was the main staple of the county’s diet during the Great Grimpen Mire famine of the early 18th Century when the starving peasantry were reduced to eating their own children after they ran out of cats and dogs.
The Oxford English Dictionary claims a ‘Cornish Pastee’ was first identified around 1307 AD when Bishop Quentin Hoggwash gorged on an actual ‘oven’s-worth’ of freshly-baked pasties at Ye Olde Chew n Spew coaching house in Falmouth and literally burst his innards on the cobbled street before reaching the local vomitarium to throw up and make room for seconds – and dessert.
The Cornish Pasty Association, which is backing the gastronomical competition, came up with the "genuine" Cornish pasty recipe as part of its successful Protected Geographical Indication (PGI) application to Brussels last year.
Judges will be looking for the best pasty made to the traditional recipe with a distinctive "D" shape and crimped on one side with a pair of NHS false teeth to provide the symbolic indentations.
The filling should be chunky lumps of lightly stewed or braised squirrel - or a seagull or cormorant breast if the former is unavailable – with chopped swede, potato, nettles and bracken - plus a light seasoning of ground sheep shit - before being slow-baked.
So far the Mexican entry crafted by Ms Fellattia Gonzales - doomed to outright rejection and failure due it being stuffed with nothing but chillied beans – is joined by the Kenyan effort which had a piquant hippopotamus filling.
Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, are giving odds-on favourite status to Achmed’s Jolly Jihad Pasty House of Penzance whose ‘creations’ are crafted and baked according to a cryptic recipe passed to his great-grandmother in a Bombay brothel by a Cornish seaman named ‘Pasty Jack’ in the 1850’s – in exchange for an all-night three-hole humping session.
Included in the line up of gourmet judges will be Lord John ‘Three Chins’ Prescott and Local Communities Minister Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, the Tory MP for Trough’s End.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain slight traces of ‘pasty’ and some squirrel.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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