Monday, 14 August 2017

Health Sec Kunt Blows £44K on Smart Bog

In today’s ‘NHS Funds Down the Swanee’ expos√© edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering profligate hot gossip from our frontline cross-dressing medical media hackette, Sylvie McSnitch, manning the live news cellphone hotline from the 'necrophilia-friendly' underground mortuary unit of Segmadale's prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Clinical Excellence for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

More taxpayers' cash 'flushed' down the drain - literally.

That's the banner headline on this morning's gutter press Daily Shitraker red top tabloid as Ill-Health Secretary Jeremy 'Mr Austerity' Kunt splashes out £44,000 nicker of public funds on an all-new private bathroom – complete with designer 'smart crapper' - for his office - while having the brass necked audacity to demand the National Ill-Health Service expedites £22 billion quid in efficiency savings – by refusing expensive medical treatment any fucker or their dog that has the Grim Reaper knocking on their door – and implementing the euthanasia-orientated Liverpool Deathcare Pathway policy (read 'backdoor murder') on elderly bed-ridden patients.

The smarmy, smug twat minister, who recently called for £22 billion of cuts to be implemented by the NHS immediately – if not sooner – has ordered the spacious luxury 15' by 8' private bathroom suite in his new offices – which includes a designer smart crapper that actually wipes user's arses - along with vanity mirrors, a power shower and floor-to-ceiling trendy slate tiles - so he could freshen up after cycling a couple of kilometres to work in a morning.

The non-tendered contract to install the bathroom suite inside the Health Ministry’s new £25 million quid headquarters at Victoria, central London, was primarily budgeted to cost £44,000 quids-worth of hard earned taxpayers' cash – with £4,000 was reportedly squandered on interior design planning for the suite, £10,000 lashed out on plumbing – plus a sensor-activated dump inducing 'mood lights' system priced at £11,000 nicker.

Reporting live from the Ill-Health Service's new HQ, Sylvie McSnitch related on the level of resentment among Secretary Kunt's NHS minions. "It’s an effin' disgrace that this smary, smirkin' tosser Kunt talks about the need ter save money while getting the taxpayer ter fork out fer a private bathroom fit fer a fuckin' king when patients across the length an' breadth of Britain are waitin' on effin' trolleys at hospitals cos there's no friggin' beds - an' waitin' lists are gettin' longer by the day."

"How the fuck can Mr Kunt justify this shit while tellin' everyone else in the NHS ter tighten their belts cos he's plannin' on slashin' their budget by £22 billion nicker in efficiency savin's. The £44,000 could have funded two qualified male nurses fer a year at Stoke Mandeville's Jimmy Savile Intense Care Gropers Unit - or a hundred plus rounds of chemotherapy or the price of ten pacemakers or five heart bypass surgeries or a couple of dozen female genital mutilation butchery op's down at St Fatima's Halal Clinic."

Conversely, in defence of his extravagant and needless waste of public money on this vanity project, the multi-millionaire Kunt informed one press hack from the Profligacy Review that the bathroom was not for his personal use alone but rather that of long distance cyclist and runner employees set on avoiding the trials and tribulations of attempting to schedule punctual workday travel on Rattletrack or Notwork Rail – via biking and jogging into London of a morning from outlying areas – such as Luton, Cornwall, Manchester and Brighton.

Squandering NHS funds on narcissistic vanity projects besides, Minister Kunt, the Nasty Party's Parliamentary expenses fiddling MP for south-west Slurry, has already earned his days of infamy slot in the black pages of history for erroneously blaming the Hillsborough football stadium disaster on Liverpool soccer fan hooliganism - whereas culpability for the calamity was eventually – and rightly – attributed to the lying bastard Plod Squad psycho scum in charge of crowd control who, with criminal malice aforethought, attempted (and too succeeded for a couple of decades) to lay the guilt on the Scouser fans.

Do you work for the National Ill-Health Service? Do you cycle or jog to work in a morning from the Home Counties? Can you have a complimentary shower, sauna or massage before starting your shift?

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Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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